22 years after......I waited until I found the "right " one. We received a small amount of marriage coaching; I read everything I could find and spoke to other men in church who were married; some even newly weds. I prayed and fasted. I asked advice from those I trusted. I took a lot of flack from some relatives because they disagreed with my choice; even going as far as banning me from their homes. I have served my wife's family, and tried to honour them, in practical ways. We get on well, and they are good to be around. She does not speak to my family at all. My mother is overseas and in the past when I invite her to speak to my mother, she flatly refuses. Now i don't bother. I surrendered the first 12 years of marriage to being around my wife and children as they came. I attended the births; taking time off work to mother and father the first child as my wife had an op after giving birth and could not care for herself or the child; child 2 & 3 - also took leave to "do my part" as I understood it.I married in my late twenties and lived on my own since leaving school at 16. I am therefore confident of running a home; from cleaning to cooking and everything else in between.
I understood what my responsibility was and took it on, ignoring the personal cost to me. Until about 7 years ago when it dawned on me I was carrying an unfair portion of the responsibilities. I was at home and my wife would be out with friends and ministry teams; serving and socialising. I also have ministry roles. While the children were younger, the idea was to share the babysitting. Often I paid for babysitters so that I could participate in ministry or income generating activities. Travel is a big thing for my wife. Despite the economics, I stayed home and she went on several hollidays /mission trips.. I was confident I could look after the children, and I did, with some support from in-laws. I guess the occasion when she opted to travel with her father around our anniversary time was the dawning of something profound. I had ignored my own legitimate needs. Physical intimacy has long been a challenge. Around 2 years ago I stopped making the effort as I was afraid she may allege I raped her. She regularly cried during any attempt at lovemaking and has not to date given a reason. Involving a third party has been resisted on the basis that its "airing dirty linen in public", and she does not trust anyone at our church, nor out of church! We share silence in the house when the children are not around. I would be content to have my own single bed, 'cos I would be able to roll around at peace. I avoid going to bed until in the wee hours. I sleep on average 5 hours each night which is just about enough to get me thrugh the day. My roles at church are demanding. No one knows the struggles, emptiness, dread, remorse, regret, anger, and sometimes resentment I experience. I am prepared to endure another 6 - 7 years which will ensure the children are adults and then I can find a more satisfying and fulfilling way of living instead of existing. My work has up until recently been aimed at providing for the family's needs. I recall I used to do a second job as a taxi, through the night, and still come home to change nappies , cook and clean. I took it that if I helped my wife, she would be happy and content and in return help meet my needs. How wrong is that thinking. I had an accident, falling asleep at the wheel once. After the police had done their job, I had to walk home from the scene in the small hours of the morning bearing facial injuries. I cleaned up myself and went to bed. The next morning, she took no account of my condition. I became more and more aware that unless I took care of myself , I may not survive. I worked in the hospitality trade doing 12 - 18 hours; coming home to change and then going back to do another 12 - 18 hours. I became despondent because I could not see the sacrifices I was making were in any meaningful to our relationship. It was during this time I first pondered upon suicide. It was a terrifying consideration. I was scared by my own thought. But strangely it persisted and became a dreaded cloud that pursued me constantly. Yet offered a possible release from the agony of rejection and loneliness I endured day after day. Many years have gone since that first encounter with suicidal thoughts. I am more aware of my vulnerability. Over the last two years work and home pressures have again brought on the thoughts with renewed intensity. After almost a year of unemployment which only added to the angst and tension at home and drove the wedge further I am working in a field which services people with mild to moderate depressive and anxiety symptoms. I see so much of myself in many of the clients I interview, and only now realise I have totally neglected my mental health. In all of this I am forced to look afresh at the testimonies i espoused. I am more reflective and less zealous with my mouth. I am grateful to God the children are all actively participating in worship and are living in a way which will bring them into a closer intimate relationship with Christ. This counter balances any thoughts I have of acting foolishly, or impulsively. I am aware of my hurts and the temptation to blame and bitterness. It sometimes feels as if life will have nothing more to offer. Is this the result of waiting almost 30 years? And surrendering another 23 years of life? I hope not. Every so often someon to whom I have served shares an experience or testimony, which reminds me God is still faithful and can do anything. I hope my case is not beyond His miraculous healing hand.

My wife and I continue to struggle through exactly what you are talking about. We have been struggling now for almost half a year. We both start to work on it and then we fall even further away from each other. We are both Christian, but over the years our personal beliefs on the validity of the Bible has grown far apart. What I have noticed is that there seem to be two demons at work in our marriage that is keeping us from seeing each other through the eyes of love. The first one was probably there from the beginning and we never took the time to work on it. That first one is commiunication. Admittedly, over the years, and especially after our children were born, we both craved our "alone time." Unfortunately that alone time became the only time we sought. We never strived to talk to one another, to calibrate our own beliefs, and to even share ourselves. The second item is pride. That creeped in when it had the opportunity and refuses to let its grip go. Every time we start moving closer to one another, something happens and either myself or her or both of us take a deep breath and put the wall up around our hearts so we don't continue to get hurt and then proceed to say something stupid to the other. I don't have an answer to your request, Amy. I am in the throes of this right now. All I know is that if I didn't have God in my life....if I didn't have Jesus as my Savior....if I wasn't filled with the Holy Spirit, then my wife and I would have ended this when it started. God does see something in us. Right now we can't see it, but there is a plan. I just pray that we allow ourselves to be used by God's perfect plan.

the bitterness comes so easily from the other side as well. I was the one with the alcoholism all these years. Now, having had that bondage broken by the power of God here I stand in need of forgiveness and grace. Life is miserable now even after a solid year of working a very active program of recovery that is Christ centered. Why, because it is evident that my wife is very bitter over where our life is at this point. It is not the one dreamed of, not the one I hoped and dreamed of either so many yrs ago. But, I feel like the thief next to Christ. He saved me when I truly thought I would not be able to live another day.
I keep thinking and praying that this miserable existence or living with her wrath, bitterness and general disdain is somehow to a blessing for me and my children.
'Somehow though, it just feels like payback from God.

I agree with what Amy said. A marriage crisis is a faith crisis.
Be encouraged William. You are taking great steps in obedience to the Lord. You are correcting the wrongs in your life and trying to live for Him. Continue to practice what Jesus says to do, and He will honor you.

Be longsuffering with your wife just as Jesus is with you. At this point, your wife is hurting and feeling betrayed by life. In a way, she sees you as the enemy to her happiness which is a hardened condition. Set the example for true, redeeming love and her heart will eventually long to follow your example. She may stay bitter and want to punish you for a time, but, at some point, she may be overwhelmed by your love. Pray for her. Remember to focus on forgiving her continually and not focus on needing her forgiveness. True happiness comes from giving....not in receiving. You can't be let down when you are giving unselfishly, but you almost always will be let down when you are waiting to receive.

Remember that when Jesus was next to that thief on the cross, He looked out on the people hurting Him and putting Him to death and said "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do". Your wife really doesn't know the depth of what she is doing to herself and others with her bitterness and anger. She can't possibly know or she wouldn't do it. Please don't point out her wrongs to her. With God's help, you are showing her love by your actions and (hopefully) kind words....by working to restore what was lost in your relationship and your lives. You have reaped some of what you sowed in the past, but you can plant and continue to reap good things now and for what will come in the future. Sow love, you will reap love. Sow mercy and forgiveness and you will reap mercy and forgiveness. Don't give up no matter how long it takes. Check out Luke 6:27-38.

A hardened heart can be softened by love over time. Her heart has hardened because it feels the need to protect itself through blame, anger, complaining etc. This hardening of her heart is a sign that she is not in fellowship with Him:.

Ephesians 4:18 (NIV)
"They are darkend in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts."

Acts 28:27 (New Living Translation)
27 For the hearts of these people are hardened,
and their ears cannot hear,
and they have closed their eyes—
so their eyes cannot see,
and their ears cannot hear,
and their hearts cannot understand,
and they cannot turn to me
and let me heal them.

We tend to respond to hurt and bitterness with more of the same. Pray without ceasing to avoid this (be mindful of the Lord at all times). Stay in the Word. Faith comes by hearing. Remember that sin entered the Garden when Adam and Eve took their minds off of God long enough for deception to occur.

In case I forgot.....pray for her!

Amy Smalley,
Thank you so much for this post. As I was reading, I could not help but see myself in this type before and in the present. However, I do see the light in the darkness. I was impacted when you mentioned how Jesus chose to forgive the thief while they were up on the cross. For me too, when my girlfriend sometimes says things, does things, that hurts me, I see bitterness forming within my heart. I made a mistake of turning to the world, and I payed the price. But, God has truly blessed the both of us in that we are His children and He truly did make everything better and strengthened us and continues to do so everyday. Praise God our Lord almighty! I pray that your relationship may go stronger as you become closer with God! Thank you for helping out those who are hurting and in dire need of God's grace and love.