I am so grieved today by the lost opportunities for true happiness and love because one spouse didn’t see how bad the other was truly hurting. One partner finally wises up and it’s too late- what a shame. Can we promise each other that we will leave our hearts open for our spouses to change at any point God gives them the wake up call?
A marriage crisis is a faith crisis. I’m convinced of it more everyday. I am on my knees praying for you hoping you will listen to God’s wisdom and deep longing to understand your pain. God does see you, but do you see Him? If you are in a marriage and miserable then don’t give up, reach out and reach up. Reach out to someone who will first listen to you and try to understand what you are going through then challenge you to grow. Bitterness is never an option! Tell yourself you will not be bitter you will be better and your marriage can survive. Humble yourself before someone who cares. First go to God- then a counselor or a mentor. Don’t go to the world for advice. Don’t revisit your old high school crushes on Facebook. You are in trouble! You become apart of the problem when you grow bitter. My heart goes out to you because that bitterness is born out of hurt and frustration and for that I am truly sorry. But please don’t shut your heart with bitterness. You are walling yourself off to your Healer and Deliverer. The warm blanket of anger I know full well. It seems like a comfort, like a release of care but it will strangle your life, your passion, and everything good about you.
Please love yourself enough to get help before you do loose hope. In your darkest hours you hear a voice that calls out, “The change isn’t real. You can’t be happy with your spouse. It’s too late.” Oh my friend I’m so glad Jesus didn’t say that to the thief on the cross. As long as we have breathe and conviction we have an opportunity to truly live. Truly living is truly loving. It is the hardest most fulfilling opportunity you’ll ever have.
Can you hear my pain? I need to know that someone has seen the other side. What do I tell these men and women who have admittedly blown it (not physical abuse, affairs or chemical dependence, personality disorder stuff, or just plain stupidity)? How long do they hang on? How long do they try to love their spouse well. How long do they stay out on the limb hoping the other person will see their change? If you have been through this and come out on the other side I want to hear from you. Tell me how to encourage them. I’ve tried validating feelings and challenging negative beliefs but it seems too late.
God help me find a way to make it through. There are so many children’s lives at stake. I know we have free will but why don’t we have compassion? I listen to these cold bitter people and my heart breaks for them because they are hurting too but they don’t see the light. They don’t see joy on the other side of the pain. Let me hear from you. How can I pray for you? Please if you have gone through this post your response.
I spent the last five years being bitter – so bitter that God couldn't get through to me. A month after my husband and I separated, I let down my wall and God came in. The bitterness is gone and now I'm fighting for my marriage. I'm praying that God show my husband what He has shown me and that my husband receive it. I have so much faith that my husband and I will rebuilt and God will be the foundation of our marriage!
That is so true if you know God has told you that is your husband than keep praying and fighting for the promiss of God and watch him bless yall beyond your wildest dream. Just keep praying and being faithful and he will bring it to pass that your husband come home, and don’t forget that God is behind you 100% because he ordaned marriage and will always listen when it come to something he designed for our good, when you come right and the way God made he will step in hands down. He want us to be happy so if we continue to listen he can bless us and give us our hearts desire accordinly. He love us so much and want us to know that and always have our best at heart forever and ever!!!
I want my marriage to work. Now the big but, my husband does have a personality disorder, OCPD (not OCD). This makes working on our marriage nearly impossible. Arguments over ridiculous petty subjects have caused us to stop working on our marriage in the middle of marriage seminars. One continuous argument is over semantics, specifically my husband using this word as a way to shut down our 'intimate' conversations during seminars. He believes I'm too focused on sharing feelings and he doesn't need to share his feelings. It is common for persons with OCPD to be uncomfortable with feelings and to shut down intimate conversations to avoid those feelings. They frequently use verbal abuse in the form of rages, outbursts, and arguments to keep the relationship under their control.On my part, I'm a survivor of childhood abuse where there was no safe place and the abuse was horrific. I've worked through most of my abuse and now want a more intimate relationship. During my healing, I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. That was a turning point in my healing and life. I began listening to the still small voice within me and trusting God with my healing. True healing began to happen.While my relationship in Christ grew, my husband's dwindled. After being diagnosed with OCPD, he placed his healing on the back burner. Instead he focused on what was wrong with me and our marriage. From that point on, our marriage slid back into a less intimate one. We no longer shared our spiritual journey together. We no longer shared a physical intimate journey. We no longer shared our feelings. We've been at the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd levels of intimacy for our entire marriage. This year we've been married 25 years.I hold onto the possibility of an intimate, sharing relationship.My husband holds onto the possibility of sex relations. Although, he's unwilling to seek treatment for the OCPD. He doesn't want anything else. No feelings shared. No deepest needs shared. He's too nervous about letting his emotions out. His health is poor now, a disabling disease.I know he is unwilling to go through any more 'marriage seminars'. He's told me that Jesus doesn't answer prayers and therefore he no longer prays. He hasn't prayed or desired to attend a church since 2003. He just gave up. Years ago, during his first marriage, he had a close relationship with the Lord. But when his wife had an affair and left him, he turned to false religions. Soon after, I met him. I was in the NAM for twenty-five years and that is why my future husband was interested in me. But when I accepted Jesus only six years later, my husband didn't return to the robust relationship he'd had with Christ during his first marriage.I, on the other hand, haven't given up hope in Jesus. I've seen Him answer so many prayers since I became a Christian in 1991. The proof is real. I was overly involved in my church soon after becoming a Christian in 1991. In 2003, Jesus sent me on my first 'mission' and ever since his commissioning I've felt the most balanced as a Christian. I know what my calling is and I'm doing it daily.I want intimacy.
Hi everyone, I am a man a special kind but very imperfect, my wife tells me that I push her buttons to the point where she screams at me for hours on end telling me vindictive things such as: her going to find a real man that will support her life style, or I am going to find a real man, I am going to have sex in our bed with another man, my parents where right about you, I am poor, I am not a real…. I am bitter and angry, I follow the bible the best that I can, I am shut Down like a cold sheet of metal waiting to be tempered, I have no thoughts, no goals, nothing… I try to make my self cry to let it out and it's easy at times but hard other times, when I do go to church I have this strong peirceing angery of tears just waiting to pour out of my eyes but I hold them back as if I am being tourtured…. I want this bitter away from me I want to share my thoughts in love I want so much more for my self I am 31 this June 7th 2010, what a great birthday week so far.. I am sorry for being who I am, I love you all and good bye
It's been a journey through this storm that made me this person that I've become. I too carried this bitterness in my marriage. It was when my husband betrayed the vow we took 15 years ago. I felt lonely, hurt, angry and bitter. I've always been a positive person with a good self-esteem but my husband's negative thinking and actions brought me down to nothing. When I was at that lowest point of my life, it was God that never left my side. He did things that I can't explain. Miracles. He taught me so much. He helped me change. I knew I couldn't change my husband but I have a choice to change myself. I learned to forgive, to be patient, and to love (agape love). When I prayed, I would ask God to reveal the source of this problem in our marriage so that we can heal. Little by little God revealed it. Closer and closer he's revealing the core. I had to learn about the man I married. I had to learn about myself and my child life that is living in me now. I learned to find value in myself, finding my God given gifts that I have. I learned about what our love language was, what made me feel loved, what made him feel loved. I learned to trust God, to give him everything including my marriage. I learned to forgive my husband and others. As a women I had to learn to be patient, God's time is always the best not mines. I had to learn to love (agape love). I had to learn how to empathies, putting myself in his shoes. Right now I am learning how to communicate without hurting. And I just started learning how to control my thoughts. I am currently reading two books. It's so funny that as a child I hated reading. I still don't like reading but I enjoy the knowledge that I'm reading. I'm driven to it. The two books that I'm currently reading are "Communication Miracles for Couples” by Jonathan Robinson. And "Love is Never Enough" by Aaron Beck, M.D. I truly believe that God can heal a marriage, of course he created marriage. I've come to love God and in my journey having a personal relationship with him has changed my life. Pray that you too will have a personal relationship with Jesus, with God, and to follow . . . healing in yourself and in your marriage. God is everything good.
I have been dealing with this kind of pain for seven years now. My husband has unrealistic standards of me, and when (not if) I do not measure up, he is full of verbal criticism, which hurts my soul, leaving me feeling crushed and ashamed of who I am. Then, when I express my hurt feelings, he takes it to another level, saying hurtful, insulting comments that I can never forget. He turns the situation around on me, saying that it is completely my fault, that every fight is started by me, and even stoops so low as to make fun of me if I begin to cry, calling it "blubbering", and making sure I know that he does not care how I feel, and does not wish to "discuss" feelings. My options are then to apologize to him (he has never apologized for one thing during 7 years of marriage) even if I know I am not to blame, in order to have some semblance of peace, or stick to my guns and prolong the fight. I am always left feeling unfulfilled, and depressed. I am scared of the future for us, and for him.
I too have been dealing with this. I recently started to work again after 2 years at home with my children and feel that I am slowly being replace by some of his friends. When I do tr to talk to him about how I feel I am told to get over it and that my feelings are unfounded. I know that I am not perfect and I admit that and I am working on my insecurites but I dont know what to do to open his eyes to me again and see how much I am hurting.
Rachel, “I am your husband”! Please please do talk to him. I see my wife in exactly the same situation. You have one great weapon – your husband most probably means well. However has not understood like I did not for a long time that sometime feelings take priority over reason. Please please read on; You have to try and learn a little of his language which is REASON and then try and teach him a little of your language FEELING. For you how you feel is every thing, but for him REASON is everything. If my experience is remotely close to you and your husbands, you must persevere with trying to understand it and engage in dialogue. It is much more difficult to accept when you tell someone with a limited budget that i am going to NewYork for the weekend because I feel like doing that. It is a lot easier to understand if you said my mother is sick and needs my help so I need to arrange to make sure our home does not suffer but I want to go to NewYork to see my sick mother. Feeling is a reason but not enough reason. It has been said that menstrual tension is enough reason for murder by a woman. That will be a had sell before a jury so try and understand what he is saying and at least try to reason with him.
Hello, Rachel, i know what you are talking about. This is my marriage that you just describe word for word. I have thought of leaving but i know it is not God's plan for us, praying is the only thing i have now. I do not even have a mentor or christian friend to talk to. Keeping it inside me is killing me, but i will continue. I will also remember to pray for you, hold on God has a plan for us. We will rejoice.Bible says we should be of good cheer cos He has overcome the world.
God help me not to be bitter because it creeps in slowly when you think you are coping.
Wow! After listening to all of your comments, I'm glad I'm divorced. 8 years now, and still single. Talk about bitterness. I'm the queen of it. Ask my family or friends. I've broken up with every guy I've dated since my divorce. My lovely lying, cheating, emotionally/verbally abusive ex-husband is remarried with a 10 month old baby boy. My boys are now 15 and 10. The 10 year old never even remembers living with his dad. Nice, huh? They now get to see their little half-brother and step-mom have everything that used to be, and should be, ours. I've tried so hard not to bad mouth their dad, but I do tell them the truth, when necessary. I swear I had married the devil! He was awful after we got married, and it turned into a war during the divorce. He was a cop, then turned federal agent. He thought he WAS the law and made the law. He expected me to obey like his work dog, or I received the same comparable verbal treatment as the dog. (the dog he beat the holy crap out of). I've spent ALL these years resenting him, hating him for what he did to me and our kids. Mainly, our kids. I can understand making a mistake, changing your mind me, etc., but why did he have to make me suffer? Why did he treat me so hatefully? Why did he make our kids suffer? Why was he such a horrible father? Why? Why? Why? I've asked myself a gazillion times. What could I have done differently? What was the problem? All those questions that drive one insane. And still no answers.I can't answer them. What if I would have stayed? Would we have eventually been the way he and his wife are now? How are they, anyhow? Is it all a facade? I know ours was because everyone was in complete and utter shock when we got divorced. He's really good at lying and putting on an act.What do I know now? I know that I am NOT responsible for him or the choices he made or makes. I am only responsible, and can only control, myself. So, I've let it go. I have to remind myself of this, sometimes more frequently than others. And yes, before you get your Bibles all raised in the air, I DO pray for him, his wife, their marriage, and their child (my children's brother). I told my ex he was a much better father when he was in a steady relationship. Ironically, he can now give my kids everything I can't! A family. Money. A sense of wholeness. (Yeah, when we first got divorced, I thought I was going to show him! I thought it'd be a piece of cake to find a better husband and father than him. Yeah, I showed him…I'm still single. I just can't settle though.)My boys want so desperately for me to get remarried, to not be alone, and be happy. I just can't seem to find someone I can see spending my life with. I don't know if it's fear, or the bitterness, or both? Plus, it's really difficult to meet, then date someone, when you have children, and their activites, pretty much 24/7. Anyhow, I started lifting weights and exercising. It has done wonders for my outlook and attitude. Lifting weights has helped me get rid of a lot of stress and resentment. Also, it's just "me" time, so it clears my head and I can meditate, focus, and even pray. I've read almost every self help Christian book out there. I know I need to forgive. They said forgive, even if you don't feel it, and eventually, you will feel it. It's taken me 8 years of forgiving, praying, and putting one foot in front of the other, but I've finally learned to just let it go, and just be. I now actually "feel" like I'm forgiving, instead of just saying it. I think God has recently put some girlfriends in my life who are filled with the Holy Spirit. They're kind of rubbing off on me. I've been so focused and busy being strong and tough, I didn't know how to respond to any crisis without anger. They're reminding me of how I used to be. I'm slowly getting back to my kind-hearted, spirit and love filled self. I feel little twings here and there of goodness, joy, and peace…and sometimes I can even feel God's love again. Of course, it's been a conscious effort. All these years I've been praying and reading the Bible, then sitting and waiting for God to jump into action. Well, I'm the one who had to jump into action. I finally decided that, for my kids' sake, I wanted to be that loving, patient mom that I used to be a long time ago. I also realized, that as I waste my life away being bitter and resentful, I'm doing just that! Wasting my life. It dawned on me that the devil has control over me when I allow myself to behave that way. Why would I let him do that? Nope. Not anymore. I'm not wasting anymore time or my life giving him any kind of glory. Plus, the more time I spend being bitter, is making it take me that much longer to find a mate.So, knowing I can trust God, and wait on Him (God knows I've been waiting a long time, I've gotten good at it), and open my heart to love and kindness so I can LOVE MY CHILDREN…and ultimately, myself. You know, you really can't love anyone, let alone yourself, as long as bitterness and resentment live in your heart. And you know what else? Bitterness and resentment are not from God. Right? So, bitterness and resentment cannot live in your heart with Jesus. There just isn't enough room. (They don't mix either!)I don't know what else to say? I don't think I have ANY answers. I'm the one who is divorced. But, I can tell you how I am still here and my kids love me more than anything. They think I'm the best mom. (honestly, I don't see how seeing how I've been so hard and closed-hearted?) They think I'm the strongest person they know. (I don't feel like it at all.) I guess it's because I've stayed focused. Focused on my children and on bettering myself for them. I've kept looking forward. Never stopped, never gave up, never rested, just kept on moving. (believe me, there have been and still are times I have my own little pity parties…but guess who the guest of honor is? So, I don't do that so much anymore. Now, I stay positive and I have "give God the glory" parties, even when I don't see it, even when I don't feel it, even when my brain is saying I'm crazy to. Just do it!)Focus on yourself. That's the only person you can change. Pray for others, pray for yourself…to learn whatever lesson you are supposed to be learning from all your pain. And be thankful you're not Job! Stay positive, thank God over and over and over for EVERY little good thing you have in your life! Whether you feel like it or not! You may feel like you're on the cross, but you're not. So, remember that. And no matter what, someone else has it worse than you. I promise.Make yourself happy. Find a hobby. Do something that makes you a better person, independent of your spouse. When you die, your spouse is not going to vouch for you on judgement day, from what I've been told. (Thank God, in my case!!!) Help others! Stop focusing on all your problems and everything that's wrong. Focus on the good. FOCUS on the GOOD! Whether you want to or not! Tell your stupid, prideful brain to shut up and take a break. Let God do it. After lots of practice, it's not so hard to let God take over. He actually starts coming out first in your responses and reactions, instead of you know who! I can't tell you how to make a marriage, or even a relationship for that matter, work. I am a failure. But, these are things that I've done to bring me back from the edge. I'm still not there. Not by any means! But, at least now I can feel God in my heart again. Wow! It sure is a nice feeling. I will pray for each and everyone of you, and your marriages. I refuse to give evil anymore glory and I will do everything I can to keep children from going through the horrendous pain my children have gone through. I have to set the example to not be bitter so my children will not grow up to be bitter, but instead, will use their pain to honor God by helping others. But, thank God, they're already doing it! : ) (Don't forget, everyone is human. We are all flawed. Just accept that. Aren't you grateful someone loves you although you're not perfect, and they know that, but love you anyway? Look at others that way.)
I have prayed that you will prayerfully seek someone to share with. To give you Godly counsel and to just be an ear for you. That is so important.
Thank you Carla, i am prayerfully seeking such a person. Thank you for your prayer.
When trust is broken it takes time to rebuild that foundation. People put unrealistic goals on their spouses that they don't fulfill & God does not put on them. It didn't happen overnight that you became an alcoholic, or that God released you from it, so neither will the consequences. Sin has an affect on people's lives. How do to broken people live together to the glory of God? Both need to seek out the Lord, and righteousness will be added. Don't get mixed up with the World's 'microwave results' on your marriage. Give your wife the assurance she needs to rebuild that foundation of 'trust'. She needs it. Have someone you're accountable to & can talk to for mentorship. Just as we are to be prepared for Christ's coming as the bride, what do we do to prepare ourselves in our marriages? Are we washing our wives with the Word of God, do we call her blessed? Are we blessed?
I agree with Christian. How many years did your wife have to live with your addiction? She needs time and unconditional reassurance to heal. She stayed in this relationship for you. It sounds like you still have some addiction behaviors to deal with. You are putting blame and bitterness on her still also.
MAI,For the past 6 yrs now I've lived in a tormenting relationship with a husband (3yrs) who is bitter, angry, resentful. This bitterness has robbed our marriage of physical intimacy which my husband has used to punish me for several years now. This bitterness stems from arguments we've had in the past where I've told him that he is a weak man, because whenever I confront him with an issue, he won't take responsibility for his actions. Instead he will start searching the data base of past arguments, to see what he can find in it, that I did, that was the same as what I'm confronting him with. To this day he won't stand on his own and defend himself without involving me or something that I said or did in the past. He regularly neglects to value my needs, my ideas and my concerns. He has a hard time forgiving me when I offend him and because of it has built a wall of bitterness that causes all discussions, confrontations and opinions to end up in an outright blow up every time without exception. I do not feel safe with him anymore. When I express my feelings to him he criticizes them. I'm so grieved by his reluctancy to seek help for our marriage. I've suggested counseling and he tells me that he doesn't feel it would help. I know this bitterness is born out of frustration and hurt and it pains me to see him destroying the relationship of the one person that truly cares for him and loves him. I pray without ceasing and although I know God sees what's happening and does hear my prayer, I feel as if He doesn't. I'm weary and discouraged. I just want to be free. Free to express my opinions without paying the high price of rejection and ridicule. Free to love and be loved for who I am. I'm considering divorce. I can't take any more of this added daily stress. We are losing our home because he lost one of his jobs and we were unable to keep up with our financial obligation of a mortgage. Our automobile has almost 200,000 miles and I can't drive it because it's falling apart and the automated seat doesn't go forward anymore and I can't reach the gas pedal. I spend most of my days at home alone. I've tried to try to rely on other for rides but mostly there is always something getting in the way. Most people have to many personal obligations to make time to give me a ride. I've tried to have people over to entertain, but it's seldom that we have the funds to do so or again others are too busy to make time to honor an invitation to come over. My husband works most weekends and is off during the week and most people have their schedule packed with activities during the week. So we live a very isolated life. Finances are not what they used to be. Anger and bitterness rules in this home. I just want to be free. I don't feel safe in my own home. I'm tired of feeling insignificant in my most significant relationship.
Hi. I read a few of your other posts and wanted to know if you would be interested in exchanging links?
I have been married for 25 very long and painful years, I have been waiting for it to get better and it only gets more painful and depressing. We have 3 very smart and beautiful daughters about 2 years ago one of them was cutting and made suicidal comments and ended up in a behavioral health treatment center. Ever since that time we have been going to family therapy, I have found out from family therapy that my husband blames me for everything bad that has ever happened. He holds me completely responsible for what my daughter has been going through. I know this because he stated this in therapy I can't change the way he feels nor do I want to, I feel extreme bitterness towards him and he does not seem to understand why about 5 months ago he shoved me down in a fit of rage and tells me that it is also all my fault. I do not want to be in this marriage anymore, I believe I can forgive him but I do not ever want to be around him or have him ever touch me. He has truly broken me and he has never supported me only blamed me. Yes I can truly say that when bitterness comes to the marriage it is hard to make it better. I pray every day and ask God if this is the life he wanted me to live. I am trying to get out of this situation but my daughters problems come first and that is now what I am taking care of. I pray for better times for all of us.
How true these words are about bitterness. It ruled my life about my wife until I hit rock bottom (serverd divorce papers). I then looked and saw the person who I'd become and it was scary. I can only imagined how my wife felt for 17 years. The bitterness became anger. Since the papers were delivered to me, I have recommited my life to Jesus, and my old life full of bitterness and anger is history. I can honestly say I have never been happier than I am now. When I feel an episode come on that in the past would cause the bitterness, I take a step back and resolve it before it becomes more of a problem. I talk about things with my wife now. I have Faith that God will touch my wife's heart (already has) and our marriage will be reconcilled. Bitterness and anger are brutal and took over my life. I am now 31 days free…..
I need help to fix all the lose ends with my wife. My life seem to be of a struggle mainly concerning my wife and I. I have totally given my life to Jesus Christ living everything behind, but still I find difficulties to have peace with my wife. I really love her and after all the arguments and fights that we would go through I would always pray for her and myself to be a happy couple. That seemed to be a trouble, but I'm not giving up that easily. We both are young couples and really need prayer assistance for our relationship to work out. Actually sometimes I'm lost and fell like it the end for me and her but I have a forgiving heart and I would great full if you would advice me as to how i could go about this problem of mine.
I need help to fix all the lose ends with my wife. My life seem to be of a struggle mainly concerning my wife and I. I have totally given my life to Jesus Christ living everything behind, but still I find difficulties to have peace with my wife. I really love her and after all the arguments and fights that we would go through I would always pray for her and myself to be a happy couple. That seemed to be a trouble, but I’m not giving up that easily. We both are young couples and really need prayer assistance for our relationship to work out. Actually sometimes I’m lost and fell like it the end for me and her but I have a forgiving heart and I would great full if you would advice me as to how i could go about this problem of mine.
i am having a lot of problems in my marriage my husband is addicted to drugs porn and women he cheated the whole marriage i have tried everything that i can think of to restore the marriage nothing is working he gets mad when I go through his phone and catches him he stays out all night until the next morning with other women he comes home high on drugs and gets on the internet looking at porn and snuffing co-cain and mastubates from my heart I have love for him but now it is fading away i give up there is nothing else I can do because all the problems that he is having he says is all my fault he never takes responsiblity for his own mistakes it is hurt on me Wher is God? I have cried out to God but no answer at all don't know where to turn too help! hurt person.
"Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with ME".
I have celebrated my 29th anniversary. There was a time when I NEVER thought I would see that.
My first marriage ended after 3.5 years and two children. It was an emotionally bankrupt relationship; my husband didn't believe in "psycho-babble" of meeting needs, having dreams and goals, etc. He was an only child with all of the negatives that such status can bring…self-centered, self-absorbed; everyone else was "wrong" except him. Verbally abusive and then, one day, he hit me. I took my two little babies and ran…..and never went back.
I met my second husband shortly after. We had a long relationship before we married…I was being cautious…it was not only about me any more….I had two children.
Our start was rocky from the beginning because of the stress of life….having two babies, moving from CA to NJ (I couldn't live there after the earthquake), finding new jobs, etc. but we muddled thru. Then around the fifth year, I was having lunch with man I knew from work. He was funny…..I was laughing very hard at a story he was telling me and suddenly, I began sobbing uncontrollably. I realized at that moment that I no longer laughed…that my life had no joy, no fun. It was a very dangerous moment…..I translated those feelings into "He made me laugh…I enjoyed bbeing with him….I felt like "myself" again" and thus, "HE" became the answer to what I realized was my dismal life. My husband was a good man, a hard worker…but he didn't notice me anymore….he didn't share feelings, goals, ideas, etc. I had even dyed my hair red and he didn't notice. So, feeling "unloved" and "invisible" enabled me to begin an affair with someone….totally unexpected….not planned….it just "happened". What a slippery slope that is…….the few moments of "fun, companionship, connecting" led to a very real personal crisis for me. I felt guilty, weak, unclean, worthless. This spiraled into a full blown depression and admission to the hospital for 30 days in a "locked" ward. Best thing that ever happened to me. I was forced to deal with ME…..the baggage I was carrying from childhood until now….the focus was NOT on what the other person did or did not do, but MY own feelings and behaviors. Why I do what I do. When I got out of the hospital, the counseling continued and eventually involved my husband as well. I learned so many techniques to help me change the way I saw things….which in turn changed my behavior. I no longer yelled at the kids as much, my stress level was being better managed, etc. But my husband didn't see these changes…he still behaved the same as he did before. He did forgive my infidelity….and he did want to work things out….but he just couldn't seem to change himself—-to be more open with his feelings. I could tell when he was upset and would ask him "Hon, what's wrong". "Nothing". "please talk to me–I can see something is bothering you". Nothing. Despite all the counseling and hard work….we still saw each other the same way…He didn't see that my behavior changed-so he thought I was still the same. I could see he was still the same. We had trust issues on both sides…..I always felt he was looking for someone else who was prettier, more fun to be with, etc. I knew he loved me but I did not fee loved. And now it was worse because I knew how hard Iwas working on myself to make things better. This continued for a number of years. But with a difference. Instead of focusing on all of the things he WASN'T, on a daily basis I kept looking at all of the good things he WAS….and why I loved him. I used to tell him "I love you, but I'm not sure I can live with you for the rest of my life….we don't seem to be good for each other". And that was how I felt. And slowly the bitterness crept in despite my best efforts. I would think "Yes, I had made a mistake…but if he hadn't been so unavailable, I wouldn't have been "driven" to it; I worked hard to change, but he didn't; I'm the only one working to save our marriage….and then the anger and resentment. "What did I come back here for after the hospital?" I should've just left then….my life would be better than it is now. I used to tell him "You could put ANYONE here in my spot and you wouldn't even notice..as long as the cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc got done" "I could be ANYONE to you.". He still was not meetng my need to be "cherished" which is the word I used to tell him. On the verge of divorce, again, my sister got involved. She "made" us go to a FOF series at her church and we gained some insight into the dynamics of male-female relationships. She then bought us the book Men are From Mars, Women from Venus. It was like lightening struck us both!!!! We each saw ourselves in that book….my husband even marked some pages and wrote "this is me!". We each bbegan to try to focus on one or two things we could begin to incorporate into our lives….and we each saw the other responding in a positive way. Once we saw even the smallest improvements, it gave us the momentum to continue….it didnt' magically all get better…..but two people who love each other will grasp at the tiniest improvement and use it as impetus to keep going. The real work is not on CHANGING THE OTHER PERSON BUT CHANGING YOURSELF. How you react to the other person, the words you CHOOSE to say to the other person….acknowledging that the other person has needs…and finding out what they are…and how you can meet them…IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU….your words, actions, efforts….when YOU change, the other person will react…and sometimes it takes a long time for the other person to notice you've changed…but YOU know you have and your commitment to and love of that other person will keep you going…until the other one catches up. If I work on ME and you work on YOU….we will bring a better "self" to the relationship. You cannot change someone else….only how you think, feel and react to them. You can change YOU.
As bad as things got at some points, we never lost respect for each other. We never "yelled" at each other…there was never name calling, belittling, etc. Both of us grew up with the "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". We rarely argued in the heat of our anger…..I'd storm out of the house….he'd take off in the car…..until we cooled down. There was no blaming…and NEVER bringing up past mistakes. So we had alot going for us to start with. These were just "personal" beliefs we both held……respect for each other.
LIfe still had struggles…slipping back into "non communication". I accepted the fact that he just isn't the type to share all of his feelings….and trusted that if he wanted to share, he would. He accepted my need to feel loved and learned to be a better listener, to be "engaged" in the business of our daily lives…to be "present" when I needed him. He learned what was important to me and tried to comply….I learned that there are differences in what is important to men and women and tried to cut him some slack (leaving glasses in the living room, not "feeling" what I felt, etc). We made changes to ourselves FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE OTHER…without sacrificing who we are and what we hold dear.
Through all of this, I talked to God constantly and asked for guidance, patience, wisdom, the "right" words, strength and forgiveness. He helped me focus on what was right and good in my husband instead of his flaws. And He helped me focus on my flaws so I could work on them.
I can't tell you how many times I look at my husband today and am overwhelmed with gratitude, love, respect,,,,we gave a lifetime of shared memories…good and bad….but they are OURS and we do have a STORY…not a HIS-story or HER-story…we have shared our children's weddings and the birth of our grandchildren….we have buried loved ones….we miss each other during the day, we encourage each other to grow—I just finished nursing school at 54 yrs old and could not have done it without his help.
Now, I'm trying to help my daughter and son-in-law who are in the midst of their own marital struggles. I see the bitterness, the blame game, the hopelessness, the extreme lack of joy. And somehow I'm not getting thru. We've shared our story and what worked and what didn't, we gave them our marked up books, but I don't think they've read them. I feel so inadequate that I can't get thru. They have one beautiful daugther and another baby on the way…..I am terrified for them because I know the depth of the darkeness they are in…..they tried counseling and it was helping for awhile but their financial situation changed and they had to stop (I'm looking for a job right now and hopefully will find one so I can help them before it's too late). There's so much anger on both sides and neither one can see the other's pain. I see so much of our relationship in theirs….her need to feel "loved", his need for respect….her hurt, his pain. Right now, all I can do is pray that God will intervene with one action to at least open their eyes and hearts to the idea that they can save their marriage….and then take one step forward.
I have bitterness, not so much because change isn't happening, but becasue denial isn't allowing it. It's so difficult for me to express my hurt and my husband has excuses for hurting me – "it isn't personal" is his favorite. There comes a time when we all need to be responsible for our actions and take hold of our feelings. Some things in a marriage aren't appropriate and "it's not personal", makes the matter worse. Denial is killing our marriage.
I do not feel it is 'payback from God'. I do not believe God is vindictive, but He does allow us to suffer the consequences of our actions, even if it seems to be coming through anohter person involved. Sometimes it takes a long time to work through the hurt that has been felt as the alcoholism controlled the relationship. Trust will have to be built, and the fruit of repentance may take a while to ripen. Hnag in there. I will also say, counseling on the part of herself, yourself, and together is always a great option to rely on in order to get through this undoubtedly tough time. I see it has been 7 months since this post and I truly pray that light is beginning to be seen.
I have been married 19 years and we have three children. I have been dealing with panic disorder and depression since I was a little girl. My husband knew when he married me of my past and my problems with these issues. I have been in and out of counseling and tried many medications to deal with this problem. For the last 4 years I have been with the same counselor and under the care of a psychiatrist. We have been trying to find a medication to help with my energy, panic and depression but the medication is either not effective or the side effects force me to discontinue. My husband is unhappy with me, he doesn't believe I love him because I don't do enough for him. He says that all he wants is a clean house and meals and he says I never give it to him and that I don't care that he is working so hard. He feels the depression is just an excuse and he is tired of putting up with me and all of my problems. I don't want to become bitter, I am fighting bitterness every day. I am trying to be a better housekeeper, mother and wife. I truly am, God knows I am. But my husband only sees my faults, he sees no good in me. And because of this, I am growing cold toward him. I have a lot of issues from childhood that effect me even today, which is rediculous I know. I am fighting those issues too. How do I convince my husband I am worth being married to and yet still repair my self esteem which I am not sure I ever had? I have tried to deny myself, deny my feelings, and what I got was 5 days in a mental hospital because I couldn't relax, I was in a constant state of panic. I want to be pleasing to God, my husband and my children, but I also want to feel good about myself. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.
Beth, when I entered my marriage 13 years ago, I came in as a serving wife, centering my life first on God and second on my husband. It didn't matter what I did or how I sacrificed myself, my husband was bent on serving himself. He never seemed happy with me, and I came to wonder why he even asked me to marry him. He was even embarrassed of me. (I am not overweight, am attractive, have (well, had) a joyful attitude towards life, encouraged him, kept the house cleaned, prepared good meals, etc. I poured myself into our marriage and communicated clearly how I cared for him. He rejected me over and over in small ways. I was never good enough, and it seemed his parents communicated the same thing.
Thirteen years and five children later (ages 9 and under including a set of two year old twins), I have tried to be faithful to God in serving my husband and family. I have been hard-pressed on all sides, and my husband has chosen to serve himself instead of protecting or caring for me. He himself has preyed upon my faithfulness to God, and I find myself no longer to bear making myself vulnerable. I am bitter and I am dealing with my "faith" crisis.
If it helps, here are the practical things I'm doing:
1) Pursuiting God.
2) Cutting alot of activities out of my life and my family life at the moment so I can focus on what's most important. . . Some may not espouse this in particular, but I'm even cutting out extra church ministry right now. My FIRST ministry is to my husband and children, and we're in crisis. I find the church can unknowingly usurp the sanity of family life with busy-ness. I attend church still, and I find it helps me grow spiritually – but at the moment, I cannot feel the guilty pressure of serving in the ladies ministries, etc. Too bad. We have cut back on our children's activities. We are trying to rebuild a healthy home life that is less stressed and instead is nourishing and recharging to the spirits and relationships here.
3) EXERCISE. I have started making exercise a priority for not just me but each person in our house. Fresh air is also crucial. I think good leaders need to be physically fit and ready to handle stresses, emotional and physical. God wants us to care for the bodies He gave us. This also makes me feel better about myself.
4) EATING HEALTHY.
5) GETTING PLENTY OF SLEEP.
6) COMMUNICATION with respect to all members, not just spouse, in the household.
7) DECLUTTERING our entire home. Materialism stresses me out big time. I just cannot manage all the junk of modern day life in America.
ACCEPTING that this all takes time. Being patient with others and myself.
9) WATCHING MY ATTITUDE. Remembering how the best things in life are truly the free ones. . . Just looking upon God's creation outside helps me with this. When my joy is evident, I feel the people around me joining in and being positive and thankful to God. Even when the chips feel down.
Basically, I'm going back to basics. I'm simplifying my life and focusing on God, my marriage and my family. I find that I cannot tackle these issues in my marriage and home right now with all the extra noise of modern society. I've even quit following the news at the moment.
Don't try to be perfect. When I have, it has only made things worse, and truly – my husband hasn't seemed to care one way or another. It hasn't mattered how "good" I was or how I lovingly served him because he was too wrapped up in himself. Ultimately, this hurting and hurtfulness involves individuals being selfish or wrapped up in themselves. We must be wrapped up in God. Your self-esteem issues can cause you to be wrapped up in yourself. . . And your husband's hurting can result in him being selfish to protect himself. Put your focus on God for your healing, and your husband must focus on God too if he is to heal. Your self-worth will not waver if you remember how much Christ loves you. He died for you. Success in life without bumps and troubles IS NOT evidence of your Christianity; Having your Savior in the boat with you through all that you do is the evidence of your relationship with Him.
God bless you, Beth. Hang in there and know you are not alone. One day and one step at time. This healing is for the long haul. . .
Thank you, Emily. I needed to read that.
A marriage crisis is an EMOTIONAL crisis based on the need for human connection. Dr. Susan Johnson in the book "Hold Me Tight" gives some deep answers to the crisis of relational difficulties in our western society. They are based on the EMOTIONAL repsonses of the couples. Her Emotional Focused Couples Therapy is being used all over the world and it would be wonderful if this institute would have a few trained in that therapy style. Many of us are not Christians and would still like to have a good marriage. I for one am a Deist who believes in God, and doesn't believe in man made revealed religion. We base our understandings on REASON, LOGIC and common sense rather than some book that folks want to shove down our throat. I for one would love to utilize the potential of the Smalley Institute to help my wife and I of 35 years to regain the lost connection that we had many years ago that is tearing us apart at this point.
The REASON they are hurting, Amy, is because they long for the CONNECTION that is wired into the human system. All married couples need to feel that they are something important to their spouse.
The bottom line is EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.
I would like to say that understanding sexuality theologically would probably make Dr. Johnson's therapy ideas look like elementary child's play. Until people are connected to the one true God personally, they will not be completely satisfied with life and relationships of all kinds. Humanism creeping in has only cheapened our lives and our marriages.
I know this from observation and experience. I married a man who was just like what you're saying. And I'm the sister-in-law of this sort of man. I have seen the ravages of this "enlightened" thinking and how selfish and self-serving it can be. One has to ultimately submit to something even BIGGER than a human mind and its "reason, logic, common sense". Each person can define and argue his or her own "reason, logic, common sense", and that's a formula for two people standing on two different foundations instead of the very same one. . . How is one structure (marriage) supposed to be built strong from two people (husband and wife) standing on different foundations (beliefs and convictions)?
The connection they long for is submission to the one true God. And when a husband and wife BOTH submit, without pride and selfishness – with true humility and service, then they both mutually make their spouse feel important. There is a mystery in this. And it is beautiful.
I am a follower of Jesus and am going through this right now. I've been married for a whole 2 months and I feel hopeless. I have so much bitterness and rage against my husband and I have no idea why. Am I depressed? How can you pinpoint where the rage comes from? His responses to my cries are always harsh. What do I do? I have cried out to God and I cannot hear him. I feel totally lost and alone. Please help me.
i could write a book about what is going on right now. i feel so hopeless. my husband of 11 years i would moved out. he says he loves me but he has resentment towards me and i have harden his heart. going through alot of stuff we owe the irs house might go in foreclosure. been fighting alot
wanted me to find a job or go to school im a stay home mom. it took him leaving to make me open my eyes. i feel like such a failure. i think if i said lets get a divorce right now he would. its so confusing because he has not completely moved out. im on my last hope
I will not share the details of my own marriage here, but I would like to add a warning to men and women who are having trouble breaking free and healing their marriages due to residual bitterness in their hurting spouses.
Do not preach at your hurt bitter spouse. You cannot demand forgiveness from them. As many of you had patient spouses who prayed that you would be touched by Christ so that you could throw off your addictions, selfishness and pride, and like barriers, it is now your time to be patient, merciful, compassionate and self-sacrificing. A mere "I'm sorry" does not erase the fears your hurting spouse has of making herself/himself vulnerable to your abuses again and again. A mere "I'm sorry" and having the attitude that you deserve this scott-free new chance again will not erase the bitterness and deep hurt. Even tearful contriteness will not make your hurt bitter spouse feel safe. . . especially if that spouse spent years, decades even, dealing with your day-to-day abuses, pride and selfishness. You should show every bit of gratefulness that your spouse would be willing to stick it through with you, and you should make your spouses safety and well-being above your own. And you should make it clear that your respect and turn-around is there to stay forever and ever. And you should make it your mission that you have submitted yourself to doing what God has commanded you to do as a husband or wife. If it takes just as long for your spouse to overcome his or her bitterness as it took you to finally come around to actually submitting to God in your marriage as you ought, then you should be willing to give your spouse that time. . . and all the while, you should demonstrate mercy, compassion, and grace towards the very individual you abused.
It should have been this way in the beginning of your relationship: THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR YOUR CHOICES AND ATTITUDES. These affect not just you but very deeply your spouse, children and those around you. Just because you have decided to make it right finally doesn't mean that the fall-out consequences do not exist. You are going to have to deal with consoling, encouraging, uplifting and showing mercy to the very people you were destroying with your issues and poor choices.
Bitterness is a wall built to protect one's heart and soul from the ravages of another's selfishness and pride. Both bitterness and the issues of selfishness/pride can only be torn down by willing submission to God.
Too often, I see the hurtful spouse thinking of themselves as the victim of some long adventure where they were left to wander blind in a dark tunnel. All of a sudden, they get a glimpse of the light and they want to be free. But many times, there were warning signs and outright communications that they were not heeding. . . in the beginning, the signs were gentle and patient, and as the hurtful spouse did not heed the warnings, the signs became louder and more aggressive. Better wake up before it's too late.
Yes, those of us like myself dealing with bitterness must submit to God. But do you have any idea how unsafe I feel submitting to someone who has repeatedly ignored the warning signs – not just my feelings or my children's feelings but also God's commands? Bitterness is not just the burden of the hurt spouse. . . The hurtful spouse upon turning around towards a better marriage, MUST MAKE IT CLEAR that he or she is there to ease the burden of hurt that he or she has caused.
I was there 2 years ago and I was at the end of my rope when my husband picked up Love is a Decision by Gary S.
It has changed our marriage and has given me a love for others out there who are hurting. I do believe that traditional marriage counseling does not work. It needs to be more than just a one hour a week meeting that often produces the worst fight of your life or leaves one party starving to be validated. I thank all of you guys- Ultimately Gary and Norma for speaking out years ago and for all of the Smalley children and spouses for loving God enough to help save marriages at ANY cost. No matter what situation a couple is in- THEY CAN BE REDEEMED and have an incredible marriage- My husband and I are living proof of what God can do!! I just want to encourage everyone out there who is struggling to seek help!
I was in a marriage for almost 18 years that was full of turmoil, and tears. My husband was controlling, abusive and determined to make me into a clone of himself. I begged, prayed, tried to reason, but nothing changed. I went for counseling and he went ONCE. He was head deacon at church, head usher, Sunday School Superintendent, and church accountant. He was a totally different person at home than at church. I was raised in a Christian home as was he and taught divorce is WRONG. My son has Crohn's Disease and it seemed he took the brunt of all the abuse. My husband never hit me, but he would beat my son with a belt whenever he was angry with me for some minor error my son would make. He began to get sicker and sicker until I took him to the doctor and they admitted him. He had a perforated bowel from the stress and nearly died. My husband was raised by an abusive alcoholic, but his dad became a Christian when my husband was in first grade. Sadly, the alcoholic sobered up, but the personality stayed the same. He knew nothing but control and discipline. After my son's 6 week hospitalization and PT and OT and another surgery to reverse the ostomy, we left and moved to another state where my family is. I found out from later counseling that he has Borderline Personality Disorder. It was textbook. I'm very glad I made the decision to leave because it was leaving lasting scars on all of us. But I value the fact that I showed my children to give it all you've got and give people a chance to change. That's what Christ does for us. How long is long enough? Only the person in the situation can decide that. For me, being in a small town and single, with few jobs available, I was glad that my children were old enough that I wouldn't need a sitter any longer. I could have never afforded it. I was scared to death to leave, but GOD IS FAITHFUL and He provided our needs every step of the way.
I was one of those bitter people and I am now suffering the consequences of that bitterness. Just when I was on the verge of turning to God with my bitterness and allowing Him to work in my life, my husband decided we should get separated and announced he was getting divorce papers. We have been separated now for almost six months and I have been served with divorce papers. He has come to see our three young children only once during the past six months. (We are overseas). During this whole time the Lord has delivered me from this bitterness toward my husband. I pray for him fervently and honestly–from the bottom of my heart. I remember not too long ago when I didn't even want to pray, even less pray for him. I was disgusted by him and felt nothing but pure hatred toward him. This is exactly why I avoided God for the longest time–because I knew He would want to address this in my heart and I was unwilling to allow Him. At this point his desire is for the divorce to go through as fast as possible and I barely recognize him. He has become like me now. He is bitter, cold, dettached, emotionally dead, and I even suspect he has found someone else. PLEASE PRAY for the restoration of our marriage.
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My wife of 30+ years was _so_ excited to tell me about the men she slept with including
married men. This even happened during the first years of our marriage.
If she wanted to to make sure I knew my place – i do – last.
I was so naive and inexperienced to understand what she was saying and what would happen
over the years. Its not surprising that her sex drive was significantly lower than mine simply
because she had several partners and i had -none-.
So foolish.
My parents bought into this Holy Stuff about sex being special etc…
I bought it hook line & sinker along with a deep fear of pregnancy and STD’s.
Bottom line.
Depression is now my constant companion.
Couldn’t cheat if i wanted to. Don’t think anything would work because I would recall
my wife telling me about my lack of experience, sexual talent and “equipment”.
So.
I can honestly and sincerely tell you, anonymously, that Death is an exciting change.
Maybe I will stop feeling like a loser.
Maybe all the memories of a sexless marriage and sexless life will simply be erased.
Maybe in that moment right before oblivion I will feel good about myself.
This story seems like something made up as an internet tear jerker or a story about
a REAL loser.
It’s real.
It’s me.
What a loser…
I’m consumed by bitterness for my husband. It’s very important to me that we are intimate because we are trying to have a baby. I often feel that is is just I who am trying. He doesn’t seem to care much about that or anything that I care about (or anything at all for that matter) I am a very passionate person, especially when it comes to God, my children, art, music…life in general, but he is not this way at all. I sometimes wonder if I’ve made the mistake (again, for this is my second marriage) of marrying the wrong person. I feel hopeless and utterly alone. I know I need to seek the Lord to fulfill me but I am so hurt and angry that it’s hard to go to Him this way, plus my fath is weak. Please pray for me.
Cathy,
Email me if you'd like. It sounds like we are alike in our situations.
Rachel
rla11@students.uwf.edu
I feel exactly as you do! My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years and have 4 daughters, but nothing else. He is noncommunicative- to me and everyone else, he prefers his TV or computer, while I have lots of friends and am very social. We simply live in the same house, and sometimes share parenting. Sometimes… when I ask him to help out. We, too, walk on eggshells, lest we anger him, and then he explodes. We have been through counseling 3 times, and it gets a little better, or mainly, I have learned not to take his silence personnally anymore, and I have learned to get my self-worth from who I am in Christ not who I am to my husband.
I just finished reading "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" and found the validation I have been craving for the first time in 18 years. I highly recommend it!!
Alco, you might want to get involved in a Celebrate Recovery group somewhere. It has made all the difference, and changed my life. And just remember "DON'T QUIT BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS!!
Rachel,
I am praying for you and your children – know that you are loved by your Heavenly Father. He sees your pain and is holding you in loving arms. Seek other women or counseling at church.
Mireya
Tracy,
I love the insights you made about not taking it personally. Many times anger has nothing to do with the spouse or the kids but the feelings of powerlessness or worthlessness. If you can, softly ask the question "What's really going on right now? What are you frustrated about? Then probe for feelings not belittling comments! If those start stop the conversation- Teach your spouse how to treat you. Give the message- I will listen to your feelings and needs, but I will not tolerate belittlement.