I am so grieved today by the lost opportunities for true happiness and love because one spouse didn’t see how bad the other was truly hurting. One partner finally wises up and it’s too late- what a shame. Can we promise each other that we will leave our hearts open for our spouses to change at any point God gives them the wake up call?
A marriage crisis is a faith crisis. I’m convinced of it more everyday. I am on my knees praying for you hoping you will listen to God’s wisdom and deep longing to understand your pain. God does see you, but do you see Him? If you are in a marriage and miserable then don’t give up, reach out and reach up. Reach out to someone who will first listen to you and try to understand what you are going through then challenge you to grow. Bitterness is never an option! Tell yourself you will not be bitter you will be better and your marriage can survive. Humble yourself before someone who cares. First go to God- then a counselor or a mentor. Don’t go to the world for advice. Don’t revisit your old high school crushes on Facebook. You are in trouble! You become apart of the problem when you grow bitter. My heart goes out to you because that bitterness is born out of hurt and frustration and for that I am truly sorry. But please don’t shut your heart with bitterness. You are walling yourself off to your Healer and Deliverer. The warm blanket of anger I know full well. It seems like a comfort, like a release of care but it will strangle your life, your passion, and everything good about you.
Please love yourself enough to get help before you do loose hope. In your darkest hours you hear a voice that calls out, “The change isn’t real. You can’t be happy with your spouse. It’s too late.” Oh my friend I’m so glad Jesus didn’t say that to the thief on the cross. As long as we have breathe and conviction we have an opportunity to truly live. Truly living is truly loving. It is the hardest most fulfilling opportunity you’ll ever have.
Can you hear my pain? I need to know that someone has seen the other side. What do I tell these men and women who have admittedly blown it (not physical abuse, affairs or chemical dependence, personality disorder stuff, or just plain stupidity)? How long do they hang on? How long do they try to love their spouse well. How long do they stay out on the limb hoping the other person will see their change? If you have been through this and come out on the other side I want to hear from you. Tell me how to encourage them. I’ve tried validating feelings and challenging negative beliefs but it seems too late.
God help me find a way to make it through. There are so many children’s lives at stake. I know we have free will but why don’t we have compassion? I listen to these cold bitter people and my heart breaks for them because they are hurting too but they don’t see the light. They don’t see joy on the other side of the pain. Let me hear from you. How can I pray for you? Please if you have gone through this post your response.
It’s been a journey through this storm that made me this person that I’ve become. I too carried this bitterness in my marriage. It was when my husband betrayed the vow we took 15 years ago. I felt lonely, hurt, angry and bitter. I’ve always been a positive person with a good self-esteem but my husband’s negative thinking and actions brought me down to nothing. When I was at that lowest point of my life, it was God that never left my side. He did things that I can’t explain. Miracles. He taught me so much. He helped me change. I knew I couldn’t change my husband but I have a choice to change myself. I learned to forgive, to be patient, and to love (agape love). When I prayed, I would ask God to reveal the source of this problem in our marriage so that we can heal. Little by little God revealed it. Closer and closer he’s revealing the core. I had to learn about the man I married. I had to learn about myself and my child life that is living in me now. I learned to find value in myself, finding my God given gifts that I have. I learned about what our love language was, what made me feel loved, what made him feel loved. I learned to trust God, to give him everything including my marriage. I learned to forgive my husband and others. As a women I had to learn to be patient, God’s time is always the best not mines. I had to learn to love (agape love). I had to learn how to empathies, putting myself in his shoes. Right now I am learning how to communicate without hurting. And I just started learning how to control my thoughts. I am currently reading two books. It’s so funny that as a child I hated reading. I still don’t like reading but I enjoy the knowledge that I’m reading. I’m driven to it. The two books that I’m currently reading are “Communication Miracles for Couples” by Jonathan Robinson. And “Love is Never Enough” by Aaron Beck, M.D. I truly believe that God can heal a marriage, of course he created marriage. I’ve come to love God and in my journey having a personal relationship with him has changed my life. Pray that you too will have a personal relationship with Jesus, with God, and to follow . . . healing in yourself and in your marriage. God is everything good.
I have been dealing with this kind of pain for seven years now. My husband has unrealistic standards of me, and when (not if) I do not measure up, he is full of verbal criticism, which hurts my soul, leaving me feeling crushed and ashamed of who I am. Then, when I express my hurt feelings, he takes it to another level, saying hurtful, insulting comments that I can never forget. He turns the situation around on me, saying that it is completely my fault, that every fight is started by me, and even stoops so low as to make fun of me if I begin to cry, calling it “blubbering”, and making sure I know that he does not care how I feel, and does not wish to “discuss” feelings. My options are then to apologize to him (he has never apologized for one thing during 7 years of marriage) even if I know I am not to blame, in order to have some semblance of peace, or stick to my guns and prolong the fight. I am always left feeling unfulfilled, and depressed. I am scared of the future for us, and for him.
I too have been dealing with this. I recently started to work again after 2 years at home with my children and feel that I am slowly being replace by some of his friends. When I do tr to talk to him about how I feel I am told to get over it and that my feelings are unfounded. I know that I am not perfect and I admit that and I am working on my insecurites but I dont know what to do to open his eyes to me again and see how much I am hurting.
Hello, Rachel, i know what you are talking about. This is my marriage that you just describe word for word. I have thought of leaving but i know it is not God's plan for us, praying is the only thing i have now. I do not even have a mentor or christian friend to talk to. Keeping it inside me is killing me, but i will continue. I will also remember to pray for you, hold on God has a plan for us. We will rejoice.
Bible says we should be of good cheer cos He has overcome the world.
God help me not to be bitter because it creeps in slowly when you think you are coping.
Wow! After listening to all of your comments, I'm glad I'm divorced. 8 years now, and still single. Talk about bitterness. I'm the queen of it. Ask my family or friends. I've broken up with every guy I've dated since my divorce. My lovely lying, cheating, emotionally/verbally abusive ex-husband is remarried with a 10 month old baby boy. My boys are now 15 and 10. The 10 year old never even remembers living with his dad. Nice, huh? They now get to see their little half-brother and step-mom have everything that used to be, and should be, ours. I've tried so hard not to bad mouth their dad, but I do tell them the truth, when necessary.
I swear I had married the devil! He was awful after we got married, and it turned into a war during the divorce. He was a cop, then turned federal agent. He thought he WAS the law and made the law. He expected me to obey like his work dog, or I received the same comparable verbal treatment as the dog. (the dog he beat the holy crap out of).
I've spent ALL these years resenting him, hating him for what he did to me and our kids. Mainly, our kids. I can understand making a mistake, changing your mind me, etc., but why did he have to make me suffer? Why did he treat me so hatefully? Why did he make our kids suffer? Why was he such a horrible father? Why? Why? Why? I've asked myself a gazillion times. What could I have done differently? What was the problem? All those questions that drive one insane. And still no answers.
I can't answer them. What if I would have stayed? Would we have eventually been the way he and his wife are now? How are they, anyhow? Is it all a facade? I know ours was because everyone was in complete and utter shock when we got divorced. He's really good at lying and putting on an act.
What do I know now? I know that I am NOT responsible for him or the choices he made or makes. I am only responsible, and can only control, myself. So, I've let it go. I have to remind myself of this, sometimes more frequently than others. And yes, before you get your Bibles all raised in the air, I DO pray for him, his wife, their marriage, and their child (my children's brother). I told my ex he was a much better father when he was in a steady relationship. Ironically, he can now give my kids everything I can't! A family. Money. A sense of wholeness. (Yeah, when we first got divorced, I thought I was going to show him! I thought it'd be a piece of cake to find a better husband and father than him. Yeah, I showed him…I'm still single. I just can't settle though.)
My boys want so desperately for me to get remarried, to not be alone, and be happy. I just can't seem to find someone I can see spending my life with. I don't know if it's fear, or the bitterness, or both? Plus, it's really difficult to meet, then date someone, when you have children, and their activites, pretty much 24/7.
Anyhow, I started lifting weights and exercising. It has done wonders for my outlook and attitude. Lifting weights has helped me get rid of a lot of stress and resentment. Also, it's just “me” time, so it clears my head and I can meditate, focus, and even pray. I've read almost every self help Christian book out there. I know I need to forgive. They said forgive, even if you don't feel it, and eventually, you will feel it. It's taken me 8 years of forgiving, praying, and putting one foot in front of the other, but I've finally learned to just let it go, and just be. I now actually “feel” like I'm forgiving, instead of just saying it.
I think God has recently put some girlfriends in my life who are filled with the Holy Spirit. They're kind of rubbing off on me. I've been so focused and busy being strong and tough, I didn't know how to respond to any crisis without anger. They're reminding me of how I used to be. I'm slowly getting back to my kind-hearted, spirit and love filled self. I feel little twings here and there of goodness, joy, and peace…and sometimes I can even feel God's love again. Of course, it's been a conscious effort. All these years I've been praying and reading the Bible, then sitting and waiting for God to jump into action. Well, I'm the one who had to jump into action. I finally decided that, for my kids' sake, I wanted to be that loving, patient mom that I used to be a long time ago. I also realized, that as I waste my life away being bitter and resentful, I'm doing just that! Wasting my life. It dawned on me that the devil has control over me when I allow myself to behave that way. Why would I let him do that? Nope. Not anymore. I'm not wasting anymore time or my life giving him any kind of glory. Plus, the more time I spend being bitter, is making it take me that much longer to find a mate.
So, knowing I can trust God, and wait on Him (God knows I've been waiting a long time, I've gotten good at it), and open my heart to love and kindness so I can LOVE MY CHILDREN…and ultimately, myself. You know, you really can't love anyone, let alone yourself, as long as bitterness and resentment live in your heart. And you know what else? Bitterness and resentment are not from God. Right? So, bitterness and resentment cannot live in your heart with Jesus. There just isn't enough room. (They don't mix either!)
I don't know what else to say? I don't think I have ANY answers. I'm the one who is divorced. But, I can tell you how I am still here and my kids love me more than anything. They think I'm the best mom. (honestly, I don't see how seeing how I've been so hard and closed-hearted?) They think I'm the strongest person they know. (I don't feel like it at all.)
I guess it's because I've stayed focused. Focused on my children and on bettering myself for them. I've kept looking forward. Never stopped, never gave up, never rested, just kept on moving. (believe me, there have been and still are times I have my own little pity parties…but guess who the guest of honor is? So, I don't do that so much anymore. Now, I stay positive and I have “give God the glory” parties, even when I don't see it, even when I don't feel it, even when my brain is saying I'm crazy to. Just do it!)
Focus on yourself. That's the only person you can change. Pray for others, pray for yourself…to learn whatever lesson you are supposed to be learning from all your pain. And be thankful you're not Job! Stay positive, thank God over and over and over for EVERY little good thing you have in your life! Whether you feel like it or not! You may feel like you're on the cross, but you're not. So, remember that. And no matter what, someone else has it worse than you. I promise.
Make yourself happy. Find a hobby. Do something that makes you a better person, independent of your spouse. When you die, your spouse is not going to vouch for you on judgement day, from what I've been told. (Thank God, in my case!!!) Help others! Stop focusing on all your problems and everything that's wrong. Focus on the good. FOCUS on the GOOD! Whether you want to or not! Tell your stupid, prideful brain to shut up and take a break. Let God do it. After lots of practice, it's not so hard to let God take over. He actually starts coming out first in your responses and reactions, instead of you know who!
I can't tell you how to make a marriage, or even a relationship for that matter, work. I am a failure. But, these are things that I've done to bring me back from the edge. I'm still not there. Not by any means! But, at least now I can feel God in my heart again. Wow! It sure is a nice feeling. I will pray for each and everyone of you, and your marriages. I refuse to give evil anymore glory and I will do everything I can to keep children from going through the horrendous pain my children have gone through. I have to set the example to not be bitter so my children will not grow up to be bitter, but instead, will use their pain to honor God by helping others. But, thank God, they're already doing it! : )
(Don't forget, everyone is human. We are all flawed. Just accept that. Aren't you grateful someone loves you although you're not perfect, and they know that, but love you anyway? Look at others that way.)
I have prayed that you will prayerfully seek someone to share with. To give you Godly counsel and to just be an ear for you. That is so important.
Thank you Carla, i am prayerfully seeking such a person. Thank you for your prayer.
When trust is broken it takes time to rebuild that foundation. People put unrealistic goals on their spouses that they don't fulfill & God does not put on them. It didn't happen overnight that you became an alcoholic, or that God released you from it, so neither will the consequences. Sin has an affect on people's lives. How do to broken people live together to the glory of God? Both need to seek out the Lord, and righteousness will be added. Don't get mixed up with the World's 'microwave results' on your marriage. Give your wife the assurance she needs to rebuild that foundation of 'trust'. She needs it. Have someone you're accountable to & can talk to for mentorship. Just as we are to be prepared for Christ's coming as the bride, what do we do to prepare ourselves in our marriages? Are we washing our wives with the Word of God, do we call her blessed? Are we blessed?
MAI,
For the past 6 yrs now I've lived in a tormenting relationship with a husband (3yrs) who is bitter, angry, resentful. This bitterness has robbed our marriage of physical intimacy which my husband has used to punish me for several years now. This bitterness stems from arguments we've had in the past where I've told him that he is a weak man, because whenever I confront him with an issue, he won't take responsibility for his actions. Instead he will start searching the data base of past arguments, to see what he can find in it, that I did, that was the same as what I'm confronting him with. To this day he won't stand on his own and defend himself without involving me or something that I said or did in the past. He regularly neglects to value my needs, my ideas and my concerns. He has a hard time forgiving me when I offend him and because of it has built a wall of bitterness that causes all discussions, confrontations and opinions to end up in an outright blow up every time without exception. I do not feel safe with him anymore. When I express my feelings to him he criticizes them. I'm so grieved by his reluctancy to seek help for our marriage. I've suggested counseling and he tells me that he doesn't feel it would help. I know this bitterness is born out of frustration and hurt and it pains me to see him destroying the relationship of the one person that truly cares for him and loves him. I pray without ceasing and although I know God sees what's happening and does hear my prayer, I feel as if He doesn't. I'm weary and discouraged. I just want to be free. Free to express my opinions without paying the high price of rejection and ridicule. Free to love and be loved for who I am. I'm considering divorce. I can't take any more of this added daily stress. We are losing our home because he lost one of his jobs and we were unable to keep up with our financial obligation of a mortgage. Our automobile has almost 200,000 miles and I can't drive it because it's falling apart and the automated seat doesn't go forward anymore and I can't reach the gas pedal. I spend most of my days at home alone. I've tried to try to rely on other for rides but mostly there is always something getting in the way. Most people have to many personal obligations to make time to give me a ride. I've tried to have people over to entertain, but it's seldom that we have the funds to do so or again others are too busy to make time to honor an invitation to come over. My husband works most weekends and is off during the week and most people have their schedule packed with activities during the week. So we live a very isolated life. Finances are not what they used to be. Anger and bitterness rules in this home. I just want to be free. I don't feel safe in my own home. I'm tired of feeling insignificant in my most significant relationship.
Hi. I read a few of your other posts and wanted to know if you would be interested in exchanging links?
I have been married for 25 very long and painful years, I have been waiting for it to get better and it only gets more painful and depressing. We have 3 very smart and beautiful daughters about 2 years ago one of them was cutting and made suicidal comments and ended up in a behavioral health treatment center. Ever since that time we have been going to family therapy, I have found out from family therapy that my husband blames me for everything bad that has ever happened. He holds me completely responsible for what my daughter has been going through. I know this because he stated this in therapy I can’t change the way he feels nor do I want to, I feel extreme bitterness towards him and he does not seem to understand why about 5 months ago he shoved me down in a fit of rage and tells me that it is also all my fault. I do not want to be in this marriage anymore, I believe I can forgive him but I do not ever want to be around him or have him ever touch me. He has truly broken me and he has never supported me only blamed me. Yes I can truly say that when bitterness comes to the marriage it is hard to make it better. I pray every day and ask God if this is the life he wanted me to live. I am trying to get out of this situation but my daughters problems come first and that is now what I am taking care of. I pray for better times for all of us.
How true these words are about bitterness. It ruled my life about my wife until I hit rock bottom (serverd divorce papers). I then looked and saw the person who I'd become and it was scary. I can only imagined how my wife felt for 17 years. The bitterness became anger. Since the papers were delivered to me, I have recommited my life to Jesus, and my old life full of bitterness and anger is history. I can honestly say I have never been happier than I am now. When I feel an episode come on that in the past would cause the bitterness, I take a step back and resolve it before it becomes more of a problem. I talk about things with my wife now. I have Faith that God will touch my wife's heart (already has) and our marriage will be reconcilled. Bitterness and anger are brutal and took over my life. I am now 31 days free…..
I need help to fix all the lose ends with my wife. My life seem to be of a struggle mainly concerning my wife and I. I have totally given my life to Jesus Christ living everything behind, but still I find difficulties to have peace with my wife. I really love her and after all the arguments and fights that we would go through I would always pray for her and myself to be a happy couple. That seemed to be a trouble, but I’m not giving up that easily. We both are young couples and really need prayer assistance for our relationship to work out. Actually sometimes I’m lost and fell like it the end for me and her but I have a forgiving heart and I would great full if you would advice me as to how i could go about this problem of mine.
I need help to fix all the lose ends with my wife. My life seem to be of a struggle mainly concerning my wife and I. I have totally given my life to Jesus Christ living everything behind, but still I find difficulties to have peace with my wife. I really love her and after all the arguments and fights that we would go through I would always pray for her and myself to be a happy couple. That seemed to be a trouble, but I'm not giving up that easily. We both are young couples and really need prayer assistance for our relationship to work out. Actually sometimes I'm lost and fell like it the end for me and her but I have a forgiving heart and I would great full if you would advice me as to how i could go about this problem of mine.
i am having a lot of problems in my marriage my husband is addicted to drugs porn and women he cheated the whole marriage i have tried everything that i can think of to restore the marriage nothing is working he gets mad when I go through his phone and catches him he stays out all night until the next morning with other women he comes home high on drugs and gets on the internet looking at porn and snuffing co-cain and mastubates from my heart I have love for him but now it is fading away i give up there is nothing else I can do because all the problems that he is having he says is all my fault he never takes responsiblity for his own mistakes it is hurt on me Wher is God? I have cried out to God but no answer at all don’t know where to turn too help! hurt person.
“Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with ME”.
I have celebrated my 29th anniversary. There was a time when I NEVER thought I would see that.
My first marriage ended after 3.5 years and two children. It was an emotionally bankrupt relationship; my husband didn’t believe in “psycho-babble” of meeting needs, having dreams and goals, etc. He was an only child with all of the negatives that such status can bring…self-centered, self-absorbed; everyone else was “wrong” except him. Verbally abusive and then, one day, he hit me. I took my two little babies and ran…..and never went back.
I met my second husband shortly after. We had a long relationship before we married…I was being cautious…it was not only about me any more….I had two children.
Our start was rocky from the beginning because of the stress of life….having two babies, moving from CA to NJ (I couldn’t live there after the earthquake), finding new jobs, etc. but we muddled thru. Then around the fifth year, I was having lunch with man I knew from work. He was funny…..I was laughing very hard at a story he was telling me and suddenly, I began sobbing uncontrollably. I realized at that moment that I no longer laughed…that my life had no joy, no fun. It was a very dangerous moment…..I translated those feelings into “He made me laugh…I enjoyed bbeing with him….I felt like “myself” again” and thus, “HE” became the answer to what I realized was my dismal life. My husband was a good man, a hard worker…but he didn’t notice me anymore….he didn’t share feelings, goals, ideas, etc. I had even dyed my hair red and he didn’t notice. So, feeling “unloved” and “invisible” enabled me to begin an affair with someone….totally unexpected….not planned….it just “happened”. What a slippery slope that is…….the few moments of “fun, companionship, connecting” led to a very real personal crisis for me. I felt guilty, weak, unclean, worthless. This spiraled into a full blown depression and admission to the hospital for 30 days in a “locked” ward. Best thing that ever happened to me. I was forced to deal with ME…..the baggage I was carrying from childhood until now….the focus was NOT on what the other person did or did not do, but MY own feelings and behaviors. Why I do what I do. When I got out of the hospital, the counseling continued and eventually involved my husband as well. I learned so many techniques to help me change the way I saw things….which in turn changed my behavior. I no longer yelled at the kids as much, my stress level was being better managed, etc. But my husband didn’t see these changes…he still behaved the same as he did before. He did forgive my infidelity….and he did want to work things out….but he just couldn’t seem to change himself—-to be more open with his feelings. I could tell when he was upset and would ask him “Hon, what’s wrong”. “Nothing”. “please talk to me–I can see something is bothering you”. Nothing. Despite all the counseling and hard work….we still saw each other the same way…He didn’t see that my behavior changed-so he thought I was still the same. I could see he was still the same. We had trust issues on both sides…..I always felt he was looking for someone else who was prettier, more fun to be with, etc. I knew he loved me but I did not fee loved. And now it was worse because I knew how hard Iwas working on myself to make things better. This continued for a number of years. But with a difference. Instead of focusing on all of the things he WASN’T, on a daily basis I kept looking at all of the good things he WAS….and why I loved him. I used to tell him “I love you, but I’m not sure I can live with you for the rest of my life….we don’t seem to be good for each other”. And that was how I felt. And slowly the bitterness crept in despite my best efforts. I would think “Yes, I had made a mistake…but if he hadn’t been so unavailable, I wouldn’t have been “driven” to it; I worked hard to change, but he didn’t; I’m the only one working to save our marriage….and then the anger and resentment. “What did I come back here for after the hospital?” I should’ve just left then….my life would be better than it is now. I used to tell him “You could put ANYONE here in my spot and you wouldn’t even notice..as long as the cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc got done” “I could be ANYONE to you.”. He still was not meetng my need to be “cherished” which is the word I used to tell him. On the verge of divorce, again, my sister got involved. She “made” us go to a FOF series at her church and we gained some insight into the dynamics of male-female relationships. She then bought us the book Men are From Mars, Women from Venus. It was like lightening struck us both!!!! We each saw ourselves in that book….my husband even marked some pages and wrote “this is me!”. We each bbegan to try to focus on one or two things we could begin to incorporate into our lives….and we each saw the other responding in a positive way. Once we saw even the smallest improvements, it gave us the momentum to continue….it didnt’ magically all get better…..but two people who love each other will grasp at the tiniest improvement and use it as impetus to keep going. The real work is not on CHANGING THE OTHER PERSON BUT CHANGING YOURSELF. How you react to the other person, the words you CHOOSE to say to the other person….acknowledging that the other person has needs…and finding out what they are…and how you can meet them…IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU….your words, actions, efforts….when YOU change, the other person will react…and sometimes it takes a long time for the other person to notice you’ve changed…but YOU know you have and your commitment to and love of that other person will keep you going…until the other one catches up. If I work on ME and you work on YOU….we will bring a better “self” to the relationship. You cannot change someone else….only how you think, feel and react to them. You can change YOU.
As bad as things got at some points, we never lost respect for each other. We never “yelled” at each other…there was never name calling, belittling, etc. Both of us grew up with the “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. We rarely argued in the heat of our anger…..I’d storm out of the house….he’d take off in the car…..until we cooled down. There was no blaming…and NEVER bringing up past mistakes. So we had alot going for us to start with. These were just “personal” beliefs we both held……respect for each other.
LIfe still had struggles…slipping back into “non communication”. I accepted the fact that he just isn’t the type to share all of his feelings….and trusted that if he wanted to share, he would. He accepted my need to feel loved and learned to be a better listener, to be “engaged” in the business of our daily lives…to be “present” when I needed him. He learned what was important to me and tried to comply….I learned that there are differences in what is important to men and women and tried to cut him some slack (leaving glasses in the living room, not “feeling” what I felt, etc). We made changes to ourselves FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE OTHER…without sacrificing who we are and what we hold dear.
Through all of this, I talked to God constantly and asked for guidance, patience, wisdom, the “right” words, strength and forgiveness. He helped me focus on what was right and good in my husband instead of his flaws. And He helped me focus on my flaws so I could work on them.
I can’t tell you how many times I look at my husband today and am overwhelmed with gratitude, love, respect,,,,we gave a lifetime of shared memories…good and bad….but they are OURS and we do have a STORY…not a HIS-story or HER-story…we have shared our children’s weddings and the birth of our grandchildren….we have buried loved ones….we miss each other during the day, we encourage each other to grow—I just finished nursing school at 54 yrs old and could not have done it without his help.
Now, I’m trying to help my daughter and son-in-law who are in the midst of their own marital struggles. I see the bitterness, the blame game, the hopelessness, the extreme lack of joy. And somehow I’m not getting thru. We’ve shared our story and what worked and what didn’t, we gave them our marked up books, but I don’t think they’ve read them. I feel so inadequate that I can’t get thru. They have one beautiful daugther and another baby on the way…..I am terrified for them because I know the depth of the darkeness they are in…..they tried counseling and it was helping for awhile but their financial situation changed and they had to stop (I’m looking for a job right now and hopefully will find one so I can help them before it’s too late). There’s so much anger on both sides and neither one can see the other’s pain. I see so much of our relationship in theirs….her need to feel “loved”, his need for respect….her hurt, his pain. Right now, all I can do is pray that God will intervene with one action to at least open their eyes and hearts to the idea that they can save their marriage….and then take one step forward.
Cathy,
Email me if you’d like. It sounds like we are alike in our situations.
Rachel
rla11@students.uwf.edu
I feel exactly as you do! My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years and have 4 daughters, but nothing else. He is noncommunicative- to me and everyone else, he prefers his TV or computer, while I have lots of friends and am very social. We simply live in the same house, and sometimes share parenting. Sometimes… when I ask him to help out. We, too, walk on eggshells, lest we anger him, and then he explodes. We have been through counseling 3 times, and it gets a little better, or mainly, I have learned not to take his silence personnally anymore, and I have learned to get my self-worth from who I am in Christ not who I am to my husband.
I just finished reading “The Emotionally Destructive Relationship” and found the validation I have been craving for the first time in 18 years. I highly recommend it!!
Alco, you might want to get involved in a Celebrate Recovery group somewhere. It has made all the difference, and changed my life. And just remember “DON’T QUIT BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS!!
Rachel,
I am praying for you and your children – know that you are loved by your Heavenly Father. He sees your pain and is holding you in loving arms. Seek other women or counseling at church.
Mireya
Tracy,
I love the insights you made about not taking it personally. Many times anger has nothing to do with the spouse or the kids but the feelings of powerlessness or worthlessness. If you can, softly ask the question “What’s really going on right now? What are you frustrated about? Then probe for feelings not belittling comments! If those start stop the conversation- Teach your spouse how to treat you. Give the message- I will listen to your feelings and needs, but I will not tolerate belittlement.