I am so grieved today by the lost opportunities for true happiness and love because one spouse didn’t see how bad the other was truly hurting. One partner finally wises up and it’s too late- what a shame. Can we promise each other that we will leave our hearts open for our spouses to change at any point God gives them the wake up call?
A marriage crisis is a faith crisis. I’m convinced of it more everyday. I am on my knees praying for you hoping you will listen to God’s wisdom and deep longing to understand your pain. God does see you, but do you see Him? If you are in a marriage and miserable then don’t give up, reach out and reach up. Reach out to someone who will first listen to you and try to understand what you are going through then challenge you to grow. Bitterness is never an option! Tell yourself you will not be bitter you will be better and your marriage can survive. Humble yourself before someone who cares. First go to God- then a counselor or a mentor. Don’t go to the world for advice. Don’t revisit your old high school crushes on Facebook. You are in trouble! You become apart of the problem when you grow bitter. My heart goes out to you because that bitterness is born out of hurt and frustration and for that I am truly sorry. But please don’t shut your heart with bitterness. You are walling yourself off to your Healer and Deliverer. The warm blanket of anger I know full well. It seems like a comfort, like a release of care but it will strangle your life, your passion, and everything good about you.
Please love yourself enough to get help before you do loose hope. In your darkest hours you hear a voice that calls out, “The change isn’t real. You can’t be happy with your spouse. It’s too late.” Oh my friend I’m so glad Jesus didn’t say that to the thief on the cross. As long as we have breathe and conviction we have an opportunity to truly live. Truly living is truly loving. It is the hardest most fulfilling opportunity you’ll ever have.
Can you hear my pain? I need to know that someone has seen the other side. What do I tell these men and women who have admittedly blown it (not physical abuse, affairs or chemical dependence, personality disorder stuff, or just plain stupidity)? How long do they hang on? How long do they try to love their spouse well. How long do they stay out on the limb hoping the other person will see their change? If you have been through this and come out on the other side I want to hear from you. Tell me how to encourage them. I’ve tried validating feelings and challenging negative beliefs but it seems too late.
God help me find a way to make it through. There are so many children’s lives at stake. I know we have free will but why don’t we have compassion? I listen to these cold bitter people and my heart breaks for them because they are hurting too but they don’t see the light. They don’t see joy on the other side of the pain. Let me hear from you. How can I pray for you? Please if you have gone through this post your response.
Amy,
We hear your heart. Great post. This is our daily experience as we coach couples. There is so much unnecessary pain, but thankfully God has given a way that works. We ask a miracle question, “If God wants to give you a miracle for your marriage would you be willing to receive it?” When they say yes it opens the door to hope in faith for something they are not currently experiencing, and they cannot see, but that is when God shows up to humble them with willingness to try by learning and using skills to communicate about their honest thoughts, feelings and desires.
Much more to say, but will save it for a conversation perhaps.
btw, I connected to this via Twitter. OC Marriage follows us, ‘MarriageCoaches’, and they follow you and Michael. Congratulations on writing. We will look forward to more of your heart for couples.
Jeff and Jill Williams
Amy,
Boy you sure didn’t start off with a fluff ball post. This is great. Glad you care so much about helping others.
My wife and I came through a 16 month separation before Jesus helped us to reconcile. Will be pondering this post to give you a longer response.
My wife has requested eggs after her shower, better get cooking.
Amy, you’re heart for people shines thru. It’s a blessing to know that there are still people who really mean it when they say they are and want to see people achieve God’s best for their lives; both as individuals and as couples. Keep ‘em coming!
Kirsten
Hi,
I seem not to be able to fully forgive definatley not forget that my husband had an emotional affair with someone he been friends with over 10 years. I asked him before we got married to stop speaking to her cause he said he was couseling her yet said to me the proper way to counsel is same sex counseling yet he didn’t heed to his advice. Well the Holy Spirit revealed it to me after 3 years of marriage he never stop speaking to her said it was nothing they were friends. I called her their stories are the same. I asked if they had sex she said he’s not my type. A person doesn’t need to be your type to have sex with. I asked my husband when would you be in contact with her he said oh when you and i fought, oh the phone bills showed that and other dates like his birthday he called her. it’s been almost 2 year since this was revealed. i still struggle i don’t have a desire to be with him sexually we are dying on the vine
Thanks
Karrey
My husband and I have had a long history of separateness in our home and emotionally. We have had 2 or 3 councelors over a period of a few years and a pastor councel us for about 6 months. We are 2 different people. I am a people person and he is not. He likes silence, the computer and TV after work and I like communication and planning things together. He does not do anything with me socially with other people or go to church with me anymore. He says that he knows everything there is to know about GOd and he doesnt need to hear it anymore. We have 2 boys and he can be nice and silly 1 minute and the next min he is angry and upset about something and very difficult to want to be around. I am on my last leg and there is much more to tell but I feel dead and done inside. We just do our jobs separately, we do our social lives separately and even my boys say that dad is just really stubborn and he will not change. They avoid saying anything to him that might upset him. I am feeling numb and done and just live in the same house with him. Need desparate advise.
I just finished reading Winning Your Husband Back Before It’s Too Late and am almost finished with From Anger to Intimacy. I am learning so much about myself and how I interact and/or react to people – especially my spouse. I would encourage anyone experiencing marital strife to read these books…not only are they filled with great advice on rebuilding your marriage, but also on evaluating yourself in ways you may have never considered and truly understanding anger as unforgiveness and undealt with pain in your life and your spouse’s. My husband is very much like the men you all have mentioned…selfish, angry, emotionally absent, had an emotional affair with a female coworker – admitting no wrong, not taking responsibility etc. My husband blames me for everything therefore is not willing to look at himself as I am doing. He won’t even attend counseling. We are an emotionally, spiritually, financially and intimately divorced-married couple. We have only been married for 2 years and just had our first child together two months ago. We should be in wedded bliss…but we arent. This is a second marriage for me and a third marriage for him.
I don’t know if God will heal our marriage but I do know that I am growing stronger in the Lord and learning to lean on Him rather than my husband for everything. I am learning to talk to God about my husband rather than my friends and family – which helps me find new ways to pray for my husband.
I don’t have any answers for you all, but God does … bless you all and remember to pray for each other. There are many of us going through the very same thing.
I am stuck in this rut. I realized too late. My husband left me and filed for divorce this past July(14 years of mariage), but our divorce has not gone through. He tells me he wants to see a change in me. Why can’t he see the efforts and changes I am making. We have 2 children and I am so scared that I have lost my family. Nearly 4 months of this is draining the life from me. What am I to do??
Please help
Well ladies, I am glad I am not alone. My husband and I have been having problems the last four years. He is a recovering drug addict who has been unfaithful several times. This last year, I have wanted to give up many times. It has only been through my small group at church that I have had the strength to go on. But you know what, I believe that God will do what he says he will do. If you are faithful, he will bless you abundantly. God can heal or husbands. He can heal us from all the pain. It isn’t easy. I want to give up all the time. Satan constantly attacks my mind, trying to make me think things will never change. I know this is a lie!! God is good. I have two young daughters. I owe to them to make it work. I am going to win my husband back from Satan. My husband acknowledges his addictions (drug and sex). He is working on them and is very remorseful. It gives me hope that things will change. And we will win this spiritual battle. God is good!
Hi,
My “story” is posted on my blog spot http://www.prayinmama.blogspot.com titled “Changing Husbands”.
For 21 years, I kept hoping and praying that my husband would change. I utilized so many scriptural “life preservers” to keep my sanity. 2 things kept me from leaving: I have a personal conviction against remarriage after divorce, so even if I did leave, I knew there would be nothing better for me out there, and secondly, I didn’t want to have to go back to work and leave my kids with someone else. My kids were more important than my pain. If my pain would have been the most important, I probably would have left.
Also, I once heard a preacher say, “If you can leave, go ahead and leave – you never were committed in the first place.” That thought always brought me around.
I just found a card from my 18 yr old daughter that said, “Thanks, Mom for teaching me Bible verses, and teaching me how to pray.” It made me so grateful that I stayed.
Please read my blog.
Blessings,
Kim
I thank you ladies for your stories. I am newly married, it will be 3 years in April. We have 1 beautiful 18 month old daughter and 1 amazing bundle of joy due in 4-5 weeks. I truly understand your pain with the emotional cheating. My husband has reached out to this woman from his home town within the last 3-4 months and now their out having drinks when he gets mad at me. I’m really scared but I know God has never failed me. I will ask God to change me and help me with my fear. I just don’t understand his reasoning for things and he still doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. Please keep me in prayer.
Thank you.
I thank you ladies for your stories. I am newly married, it will be 3 years in April. We have 1 beautiful 18 month old daughter and 1 amazing bundle of joy due in 4-5 weeks. I truly understand your pain with the emotional cheating. My husband has reached out to this woman from his home town within the last 3-4 months and now their out having drinks when he gets mad at me. I’m really scared but I know God has never failed me. I will ask God to change me and help me with my fear. I just don’t understand his reasoning for things and he still doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. Please keep me in prayer.
Thank you to all who have responded to this blog. I am a pastors wife and a minister myself. I’ve been married for three very long years!! My husband is very dominant, he wants to do everything his way, and his way only. I used to laugh when people said “find the middle ground.” Because they truly don’t know the marriage I’ve been in. There is no middle ground, my only option is to do what my husband wants to do. If not he makes life miserable for me, yelling, screaming, putting me down, telling me I have a bad spirit. You name it I think I’ve heard them all. Was this the ideal partner that I wanted for marriage, no, is this the way I envisioned my life, definitely not. Whenever I bring up how wrong he is, he uses the verses in the Bible how I need to submit to him. I find this infuriating because I know the scripture like the back of my hand, and he’s twisted it so bad. At church, he’s a totally different person. I have a mentor, thankfully for that, and for the longest time, she could never believe my husband was the way he is. Now she’s started to see this. In my heart I wonder if he will ever change? And is this the burden that I will have to carry for the rest of my life? I know for a fact that God loves me, and thankfully my self value is in him, not what my husband thinks of me, but I find myself thinking, is God mad at me? I’ve asked my husband several times for counseling, and of course he tells me how he’s fine but its me who needs help. Then he goes onto say, “well if your unhappy, then just leave.” I’m kinda lost of this whole thing, and truthfully, I’m surprised. Being educated and not coming from this environment, I always thought I knew what I would do, in a case like this, now I’m not so sure. Any advice and insight would be helpful! Please keep me in your prayers. And feel free to email me, ttmariott@yahoo.com
Ladies, my heart is so grieved for ALL of us – let us keep doing what is right…praying day and night for our husbands & children. I have this verse posted in my little cubbie at work: Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus 1 Thes. 5:16-18.
Don’t give up…your not alone & God sees every situation.
I came onto this website to get encouraged, but it’s just made me see that there isn’t anything better out there. I’ve been married nearly six years. I’m a pastor’s daughter who quote on quote did everything right. He ended up being abusive, and alcoholic, a pothead, a cheater (many times), and every other horrible thing you could imagine. We seperated for a year and our church kind of forced me back into the situation because “I’m supposed to pray through”. I’m sick of it. I saved myself sexually for marriage and now never get satisfied, I long just to be loved and he treats me worse than anyone would ever treat their dog, I pray and fast and have read every book under the sun and I’ve not seen any changes except in the physical abuse. He’s still verbally and emotionally abusive and I have not idea if he’s faithful. I just want to give up! Listening to all of your replies makes me see there aren’t any better men out there. Are there? What am I doing this for. I really am a good wife and I don’t know why God would allow this.
Casey,
I am so sorry you are going through what seems like a terrible marriage. My encouragement to you is this… you are far too valuable to be cheated on and verbally abused. I have a temper (I don’t hit Michael but my mouth can be dishonoring- so I feel like I might be able to speak a bit for your husband) — It’s not in his best interest or yours to keep up the pattern you have currently. The control and dominance that anger can have isn’t healthy- it leaves you feeling demeaned and him feeling prideful on the one hand and guilty on the other. (I know he might ever admit it)
The best way I know to protect and encourage change is to stand up and say something like. “We can’t keep going on the way we have. I have to change. I have to draw a boundary around what I will hear. When you start cussing or demeaning me in anyway I will need to leave the room. Please do not follow me. I will come back, but I need time to cool down. If you continue to follow me I will call the police or go to a relatives. We need to have some structure in how we deal with each other. There are limits to what we can and can’t say to each other.” — I hope that helps.
God please protect Casey as she tries to honor herself like You do.
Casey, it may get worse before it gets better. This is the best chance you have for writing a new message on your heart about your worth. Hear the words fall from your lips over and over. I am worthy, I am a child of the King, Jesus died for me, He will never leave me of forsake me… (not to push our stuff but… in the Protecting Your Family Project we did with Ed Lamance there’s an awesome exercise you might consider following– It has scripture references along with who we are in Christ— What has happened to you is not ok! Stay with this journey long enough to find God’s peace, comfort, and understanding.
Casey,
First, let me say that I could not go away from this site without leaving you a “hug” and word of encouragement. Please know that there are people out here that care. and yes! there are still God-fearing men out there too, who do know how to treat a lady! I know…I have been where you are, and it is possible to come out on the othter side. God will give you the strength! I know my God loves you and does not want you hurting or to be hurt like that!
You don’t have to put up with abuse! I say that as a God-fearing Christian who has been there! I am praying for you and your safety, as well as guidance from the Lord.
In His name and with His guidance,
Karen
My wife of 24 years moved from our home on 6/22. She filed for divorce on 7/15. She said it was because she had no say in the marriage. I later found out she was having an affair. We had our first court apearence on 10/15 where I was awarded primary custody of our minor child. She has visitation every other weekend. I would do anything to stay married. I know the good person I married is in there somewhere. It is so hard to see the person that you love with all your heart act the way she is acting and throw awat the life we have built. I feel so sad for her and pray that God will soften her heart so that he can confort her and bring her back to him. Do any women like this ever wake up before it is too late
My husband and I have now been married for 30 years. It has not always been easy. My husband is a christian but his walk with God has had it’s ups and downs. Before we were married, he had a drug problem. He overcame the problem before we were married, but about a year and a half after we were married he had a relapse and started using again. During this time he was also unfaithful. I did a lot of praying and he agreed to go to counseling. He was able to overcome the drugs and we were able to work thru his being unfaithful. His walk with God strengthend and our marriage was good for about 8 years.
We moved to another state and, although we still attended church, we never really found a church we were happy with. But during this time he started drifting away from God again. He started drifting away from our marriage also. Years lated I would find out that he started visiting strip clubs during this time. We drifted thru the next 6 years and then were able to move back to our home town area and to a supportive and vibrant church. Both we and our marriage improved and we had another good 5 years or so. Our children grew up and graduated high school. About this time my husband started traveling to Asia with his job. Again our marriage started to slip and the next 4-5 years were very strained. It was during this time I found out he had been visiting Strip clubs off and on during the time we lived out of state and also more recently. He agreed to stop. But he started traveling more and more.. both within the US and also asia. It got to the point he was traveling 70-80% of the time. I suspected infidelity while he was travleing, but had no proof. Of course my husband vehemently denied everything and told me I was crazy and paranoid. I poured my heart out to God and asked him to reveal the truth to me… and He did! I found confirmation of the sordid lifestyle he was living and everything fell apart. I told my husband I could not stay married to him if he continued to live this lifestyle. After much pain and heartache, he (reluctantly) agreed to go to counseling with me. We found a very good christian counselor who was able to guide us thru the healing process. I realized I also had things that I needed to change that were contributing to an unhealthy marriage. (notice I didn’t say what I did caused him to be unfaithful, that was purely his choice, but I did cause him to feel unappreciated and disrespected) Things improved and we were good for a few years until about 2-1/2 years ago when I again sensed my husband drifting from God and me. I again started fasting and praying and seeking God’s wisdom. I found out my husband was again being unfaithful. This time it had only been for a couple of months. However, I was completely devastated! I confronted my husband with what I had found and we both fell apart. I solicited prayers from all of my christian friends and relatives. I was ready to call it quits. However, God prompted me not to make drastic decisions. So we again we went back to our counselor. I had little hope that our marriage could be saved this time. However, through our counselor and much prayer and support from many friends, God has worked a miracle in both of our lives. With God’s help and my husband’s commitment to making things right, I have been able to forgive him. There is no doubt in my mind that my that this time my husband has completely 100% given his life to Christ. Our marriage and life are now the best they have ever been and better than I had ever imagined. It has taken a long time; the mercy, grace, and healing power of a loving savior; and a lot of commitment and work by both of us to bring us to this point. I hope and pray for the same for all of you.
Today I stumbled onto this particular ‘blog’. I can see there are some REALLY discouraged and hurting young women out there…
I just wanted to share that I do believe there are GOOD MEN out there. Men who love God and who love their families. Sometimes, as in my case, us women don’t always recognize them or don’t ALWAYS appreciate their seemingly “plainness” compared to ‘prince charmings’ that might try to command more of our attention (I am referring to the dating stage and seeing who is avail. as a potential spouse).
I starting getting to know my husband in a children’s minstry situation (quite unintended but we both ‘happened’ to work on the same project in my neighbourhood). I was a single mom of two boys (from different biological fathers) and DID NOT want another relationship with a man…unless it was from God…and I wanted insight from others in my life FIRST concerning this CRUCIAL decision. (insight from my parents and spiritual leaders at church…so I didn’t end up where I was before swooning over some ‘prince’).
My husband had never dated before (let’s say he never used to dress to attract any attention from the ladies.. to be polite) and he was quiet, hard working, attended church regulary and lived a ‘plain’ and quite ‘ordinary’ life. He was faithful with money (we paid over 25% down on our home when we married), was very thrifty (later I have come to resent that at times-HAH!), and is very even-keel with his emotions (can be frustrating when you are trying to be romantic). I point these aspects out to re-iterate sometimes the things we get attracted to (like the excitement, emotionalism, thrills and ‘frills’ men present sometimes during the dating stage) can lead us to relationships that potentially will have more issues in marriage due to lack of character in our spouse. (or us)
I really feel for women who have made a choice that maybe was a bit irrational or emotional for their husband. I didn’t marry either one of the fathers of my 2 older sons but I did have a very emotional (rollercoaster) relationship with each one of them. It was very detrimental to my emotional health and spiritual well being. After pregnant with my secondborn I came to the point where I chose to repent and follow God/Christ. I thought, well if (my ex at the time) he wants to come along for the ride then great! and if not…well then I can do this
5 years after my marriage vows to my husband I must tell you….. I realize more and more that he has been such a blessing to me & the kids. However things still have not been ALL roses. I think we expect, at times, too much of others in their character and not enough from ourselves. At least this is what I have done often. In my marriage we have fought…and had seasons where I thought this is never going to end! There was a time period (not long ago) that I wanted to walk out on him……Huh? what you say??!! Divorce the man who has all the above wonderful traits? But you know what? After time we can all tend to take people for granted. Being thrifty can be seen as cheap and thoughtless. Being plain and unemotional can be seen as uncaring/unloving…and so forth. Recently God has shown me through various avenues to enjoy the life He has given me (including my ‘ordinary’ husband), ask Him for direction each step and obey His leading. Enjoying my marriage isn’t always easy PERIOD. Even with a ‘good’ man! But I’m sure God will give us the grace each day as we ask Him. (or wisdom to know what to do in each specific situation).
I have been through a lot in my marriage of 5 years, and sometimes it is difficult to continue in my marriage. My husband cheated on me nine momths after we were married and a child was produced which of course was very difficult for me. But after long thought I decided to forgive him and work through our problems, everything seemed fine. However, while I was pregnant with our first child I found out later that he was having emotional affairs with numerous women through emails and some of these I have reason to believe were more than emotional. The mother of his out of wedlock child has also been contacting him trying to get him to come back to her. I have been hurt so many times, and I have heard the “I am a changed person” so many times, I don’t know what to believe anymore. I have become so bitter from all of these incidences that I struggle to keep afloat. I put my husband down and sometimes I say mean things to him out of frustration and anger. I feel unloved, unappreciated, ugly, and resented. I feel like I am the one that has to deal with his problems, while he pretends to forget them. That I have to just suck it up and get over it (that is how he makes me feel). Sometimes I think that he wants me to leave him, yet he tells me that my son and I mean everything to him. But I dont feel it in his voice or see it in his face. He says that he wants to live life the right way and walk the right path with God, but a lot of the behaviors I saw before are creeping up now and then. I pray for God to help me with my marriage, but sometimes I feel like I don’t have the strength to continue. Sometimes I feel that the fact that my marriage is not getting better is a sign from God that it is time for divorce.
I have been reading postings on this site and I realize so many of us are hurting. My husband of 20 years was caught at a hotel with another mans wife 2 years ago. The husband got there before the two of them could “consumate” their romantic interlude.
I am still angry, bitter and humiliated. I want to move forward. He has never done that before…always was good husband & father. He is very remorseful but I seem to be stuck. I have such negative emotions toward him now & I cant seem to shake them. I pray, read the Word and ask the Lord to help me, but I feel so horrible. Plus this happened just as I was beginning Perimenopause…I lost all self esteem, am ashamed and just generally unhappy. I know this is not something to divorce over, but I just dont know how to move forward. Please give me suggestions and PRAY for us…and I will pray for you all. God bless
i am married to a pastor, we deceied to move out of state, then i found out that my disabled son would not be able to get any services. So I could not go but my husband went with out me, I know God is everywhere, and he can pastor any where, he was not called to a church he wanted to start a new church. I think that if he really loves me he would come back here with us. Since the move I have been back and forth he has never came here, only once because a church wanted him to come and preach, but not to see me, i just happen to be here already, what should i do it is almost a year, i really don’t know anymore!
After a very rough 20 years of marriage with my husband who has been abusive, bad temper and unfaithful on many occasions, I have finally confirmed my fears beginning this year about his affairs and the years of cheating and lying. There were signs throughout the years but always believe that he will stay faithful at least not sleep with someone else (or many ones – that was his past life before he was married). Don’t get the notion that you can change a man who has this kind of past life which I thought I could.
I am not sure if he has a child out of wedlock. He still refused to admit anything although I have all his steamy emails and definitely not want to go counselling or church but only listen to Joyce Meyer online when we have church in the home with our two girls. I see my identity with Ann and am very sad that my lovely girls have a dysfunctional father.
I feel stuck in this situation as he has not a proper job for the last four years and all his investments have so far failed. I am partly supporting the family.
I am seriously contemplating whether I should be kicking him out of the house or move out myself and feel unfair that I should be staying out….
I have hope for a change in him but so far no….
Life in Bangkok, Thailand is very challenging for husbands to stay in a healthy marriage unless they are really born again and strong..
I need all the prayers to stay sane for the next few months before moving back to australia with my girls.
Oh Betty,
I am so sorry to hear about your marriage and the deception and lies told to you. You are so right when you say that a husband staying healthy in Thailand is difficult. Men and women need to think about what type of environment they are putting themselves in- we are all vulnerable. And just because we are Christians doesn’t mean we don’t need to use the head God gave us- If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. Now how you confront and heal is up to you! I do pray right here and now for God’s sanity as you move with your girls to Australia. You need time to heal and family and friends to love and comfort you. I know this is devastating to God because He knows you far better than I do and it breaks my heart to hear your pain.– My human understanding and love only goes so far but God’s love never ends and I’m sure of this– He wants you to reach for him more than ever. Please allow God to find and comfort you! The path you take will be your journey with God. I pray you make the effort even in the middle of the most trying, stressful and insane time in your life. Please don’t allow your husband’s mistakes to take away your tender love for God and others.
The anger and fear can be overwhelming but it cannot overtake you unless you allow it. Seek support. Be strong for you girls. Take time to cry. Allow yourself time to find peace with what has happened to you. This may feel like a fire burning up your life but God is the master of bringing beauty from the ashes!
I have been married for 8 years this month and can identify with many of you who have submitted entries. It is nice to not feel so alone! My husband is a deacon at our church, the chairman of ushers & greeters, and a department chairman for a Sunday School class. All this to say “woo hoo” but what is happening to our home? My husband is very critical with myself and our three children: 7, 5 1/2, and 2 1/2. It seems that he is exceptionally “resentful” and harsh on our oldest daughter. She does have some special needs and has required a lot of my attention but I have always asked for, and frankly begged for, my husband’s involvement as we have progressed to try and help our daughter. He is essentially non-reponsive when it comes to addressing her needs which in turn puts 100% of the responsibility on my shoulders. Everytime we have something with her, I ask for his opinions and wisdom to no avail. The one way conversation ends up with me passionately asking for his prayers as I am having to make very difficult decisions on my own.
LONG story short, I have been praying about my own critical tone and verbage with my children and the Lord has revealed my angry and bitter heart that is shutting itself off from my husband and trying to just be numb. I just don’t know how it is I am supposed to handle an 0630 “yelling at” in front of two children for something he failed to ask me but insists he did! He never owns his mistakes, never! When I have absolutely needed to address things between us, he sits like a statue and remains stone cold. I have sat waiting on a response to a direct question for over 90 minutes before giving up on it. Then enduring the silent treatment for 1-3 days depending on how severely I “insulted” him. Yet, never to get a response on any issue. When I have had issues I absolutely needed him on, I found that email was a way that I could at least get something out of him. However, if it had anything emotional to it, I get a canned response of “We’ll talk when I get home” that never happens. I have worked painfully at making sure that my tone and verbage are not condescending or insulting to him. I have worked meticulously at making sure that I do not interrupt his “down time”. I have affirmed, affirmed, and affirmed . . . arranged weekends away . . . pushed myself to absolute exhaustion making sure the kids are cared for and house looks the best it can only to face “nit picking” when he arrives. I have been publically humiliated in front of friends and his colleagues. I pray constantly seeking God as my true husband. How do I not get hurt so much! How do I guard my heart without falling prey to bitterness and anger? We have tried counseling twice. But he talks the talk SO smoothely that I am made a fool every time. He promises things in session and leaves them there. Why would I return with him to have him twist things up and be sugar sweet and come home as Mr. Hyde? Our pastor has been no comfort. He wearily offers intervention but states that it usually makes things far worse. My choices are to press on or shrivel up and die on the inside. Most days I press on, a few days, I just shrivel a little more.
My poor, sweet children see a very hurt and angry Mom. I want to show the love of Christ to them and fail miserably on a frequent basis.
My heart has gone back and questioned many times whether I made the right decision to marry this man. Over and over and over again, I have known that the Lord wanted me to marry him. But now, I just think I was messed up. This most definitely is not the man I married. He seems to love his TV and computer more than any of us. What do I do? I will continue to pray and pray and pray. I have read and read and read. Now, I am exhausted. I am afraid to read anything else because it is one more thing I have to do to try and make this surviveable.
Boy, what a difference it would make to have a single “shred” of a carrot thrown out! His thank you’s are empty because they are never followed up with any action. Just a statement to get him “off the hook” if we should ever return to counseling.
So here I am fussing about my marriage and I am surrounded by sweet friends that:
1)have a husband that has deserted her and three kids. She desperately loves him and wants him back.
2)a husband who had a massive heart attack that was mentally disabiling in his 40’s and now she carries the load for her family;
3)buried her husband at age 39 because he wouldn’t take care of himself yet she misses him dearly; and
4)a lonely widow who longs for the mere presence of her love.
Please tell me, what is this lesson that I am to learn? What is the TRUE picture of Christ and the Church? I have to trust that God has our bests in mind, He’s all that I can trust in.
Nickel,
I’ve thought and prayed for you over the last couple of days. I just wrote a post about “A gentle answer turning away wrath… Really?” with you and others in mind. It seems God is putting the 4 women you mentioned in your path for a reason-find it… I think you can deal with the day-to-day struggles if you think with a long term perceptive. You can stand up for yourself in a loving manner- you just might not have figured it out yet.- Living in bitterness isn’t fun- I know you see that in yourself now see that in your husband.
Sit down and talk about what messages he is being sent in your marriage- Maybe he feels unappreciated (I know you probably have tried in the past to appreciate him but just listen to him and let the words-” I understand how you could feel (that) way” fall from your lips — then stop… don’t say another word. Just let the validation hang out there with no buts, or contradictions. Just be quiet! If he goes off on you with a bunch of facts and reasons why he feels the way he does say, “You don’t have to prove to me how you feel. If you feel it then that’s enough for me.” Feelings aren’t wrong- it’s what we do with them. Don’t allow him to belittle or demean you- if he does then stop the conversation and say something like- “I want to hear your feelings but I can’t hear you when I feel attacked. Let’s stop right here take a break and come back to this … when the kids go to bed… or in an hour…” If he shuts down – then let it him. The hardest part is to disengage your anger. I don’t want to compare him to a two year old but as a mom I hope you’ll understand my point. When I kids throw a fit the more we engage in the “fit” the longer and bigger it gets. It’s not about you at that point so don’t take it that way. Leave him and hope that he “comes out to play”later and be willing to engage when he has calmed down.
That’s a start. I hope you can be encouraged that YOU can change your marriage! It’s a balance between vulnerability, humility, self-worth, and strength. Find God’s wisdom, love and comfort.
In His service and yours,
Amy Smalley
What to do when your husband constantly blames you for all the problems in the marriage, raising the children, constant accusations
of lying. I have gone to counseling with & without him. He always
says the counselors say I have the problem but I am not hearing that.
I hear that we both are to blame. He uses very vulgar language,
even in front of my children and my mother. He embarrasses me in
front of our friends and so on. I have built a wall that seems
impossible to tear down. He is so negative and always says if I
would just change than everything would be fine. It’s so hard
to take the verbal abuse and just be able to continue as though
nothing has happened. He does not believe he is doing anything
wrong, he says I provoke him and that is how men react. I need
to submit to him. Please shed some light on how much I am to
submit to him. I believe that I submit to him is if he is projecting
a loving spirit, not of anger and in ways that seem to be hurtful
not only to myself but others. He says he is not racist but he
constantly is making jokes of other races and so forth. Don’t
know where to turn anymore. I do believe Christ is charge but
it is so difficult.
Katrina,
Your walls are your protection, keep them up and I believe you feel verbally attacked by your husband. Submitting to him and allowing him to attack you are very different things. I believe you can impact your marriage by learning how to draw boundaries in a humble yet firm way. “When you speak to me that way it hurts me. I’m going to take a break. Do you think we could try to take about this after the kids go to bed?” If he continues. You calmly walk away- do not engage!! Teach him and yourself that it’s not about the facts of whatever is going on it’s the tone and delivery that is so unsetting. He needs to value you! (as much for you as for him) When he gets into the pattern of treating you this way it feeds on the very hard part of him that is taking him and you over. Don’t allow yourself to loose your good nature.
How would you treat your two year old that was throwing a fit? It’s different I know but the concept of separating the behavior from the person is necessary. You don’t have to withdraw your love you can stand up and say, “Honey I love you but you need to take responsibility for your actions. And your tone and anger are driving me away. I want to have an open heart toward you but it’s so hurt by the way you respond to me.” And then tell him how you feel — without facts only feels. I feel demeaned. I feel worthless. — Do not talk about facts. Your feelings are so much more powerful. And if he asks for examples or tries to shift the blame then calmly walk away and say when you are ready to hear my side and try to understand me I’ll be ready. I need you to try to understand me first and then I can try to understand you.
Good Morning I pray. My husband sneaks a women into our house at night. I hear her sneeze,cough etc. when there is no noise on in the house.She wears my clothes and perfume.She sneaks around the house. I have told my husband I want it to stop and it still continues. He says I cannot prove it.(We stopped sleeping together after I went on a vacation ,came back and found a bunch of clothes under my side of the bed.)This has been going on since my son left for college.One and a half years of lies,deceit and I am bitter, I am angery…I pray and its good for awhile and then we go back to the same old rut. Thanks for this web site. God Bless all of you struggling people. Jennifer
Jennifer,
OMG! What in the world? Girl you need an intensive with Michael. Your husband needs to be spoken to by another man that will speak the truth in love. If you have a small group or a pastor or some one he will be influenced by then call on them. This has got to stop! If what you think somehow isn’t true you will still need your feelings around the issue to be validated and a plan to re-establish trust implemented.
But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, EXCEPT FOR MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. Matthew 5:32
I would have to say that this means also, anyone who divorces her husband…
If you KNOW that there is another woman in the house… Go confirm it. I don’t believe that God expects you to stay in a marriage that is full of adultery.
I pray for you and God’s grace upon your life.
I have been married for 7 years. My husband, Jeremy, is 8 years younger than I and we married, while in sin.
This is my second marriage. I have 2 children by my first husband and another child, Luke, with my husband now.
I can’t help but know in my heart that it was a mistake from the very beginning. The decisions I made while in sin were not from God. But, I do know that God expects me to repair the damage that has been done.
Now, both my husband and I are saved, by the grace of God. I am on fire for God, babtized in the holy spirit and thank my King every day that I have a relationship with Him.
My husband, on the other hand, is lacking spiritually and feel that he would not even go to church, if it weren’t for me. Over the past year, we have grown apart considerably. We are more different than night and day. He is imature, shallow and un-trustworthy. When I try to talk to him, he just sits and listens but has nothing to say. When I ask him what he thinks, he will just say something like, “I don’t know.” It’s so frustrating. I know that I am to blame, as well, because I have let myself grow away from him and find myself belittling him or criticizing him often, but I’m not sure how to “get it back.” There is much more going on than posted, but it would take forever to write it all. There is also problems with my 6 yr. old and my husbands’ relationship.
I know there is spiritual warfare in my home and am determined to fight it with all that I am. I pray that God will change my husbands heart every day. I also pray that God will change me and make me love unconditionally and give me humbleness.
I would like to seek counseling, but do not even know where to begin to look.
After reading all these womens posts, my problems seem a bit un-valid. But, when you don’t have a relationship with your husband, it’s a very valid problem. I want to save what we have now, before we grow apart even more.
I’m praying for all of you. Please do the same for me and my family.
Angela
Hello I need to read this because right now my heart is really hurting and I feel so insecure. I have been married for 10 years and my husband has cheated on me 4 times and I guess I have not really forgiven him because I find myself getting angry at him and throwing each situation up to him. But recently this past Saturday night my husband said to me if he see someone he chooses to have sex with and he wants to he will because he is a grown man. This really hurt me when my husband said this to me. He tells me he loves me but his action speaks different. I have for 10 years try to express to my husband how he hurts me but he always tells me it wasn’t about anything with those women but I feel in my spirit he actually had sex with one of those women. Then he had the nerves to tell me if he wasn’t married to me he would have made one of the women his girlfriend but he was at the same time trying to get her to have sex with him. Please help me give me some advise I am so tired of being insecure with this man I don’t trust him we constantly throw up the past to each other. He tells me I disrepect him I tried to tear down his self esteem when I said to him this girl must have rejected him. But I said to him you are a married man you have no business trying to pursue another relationship. I am so ready to leave this man but I keep telling myself I am trying to do what God wants me to do but do God see all that my husband is doing by cheating on me and continuing to tell me I have a problem. I want to change please tell me how to let go of my insecurity. bitternes, anger, resentment, and frustration towards my husband?
Connie,
Your marriage is in trouble and you need help. The anger and bitterness you are feeling is a message that something needs to change. It seems the past has not been resolved in your marriage. In order for the two of you to move forward you need to talk about what is really going on and that is the feelings that lie beneath the anger. Your insecurity seems to be coming from a place of doubt about your husbands fidelity. Do you realize your husband needs to be faithful for himself as much as for you? The message that he is sending himself is horrible- that could be where his anger is coming from.– Disappointment in himself but it comes across as frustration with you. I hope you will seek good council together. I am so sorry you are hurting. I hear your frustration and your desire to be free from the chains of insecurity and anger.
Hi,
I read these stories looking for hope. I have been married for 9 years and I am a good and kind person. My husband has been selfish and immature. I have lost my patience and hope. His behavior will not change. I am so frustrated my heart hurts. I can not bring myself to try another technique to save us. Last year I started studying Beth Moore, Joyce Myers and Gary Smalley’s book change your heart change your life. They are excellent books, the problem is that I am only human. and I want my companion to stop being my opponent. I issued a request for peace to him demanding that he complete an anger management, spouse and child raising class by JAn 15, 2010 or he needs to live elsewhere. He was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with ADHD and he is taking meds for it. He finished the anger management class, but did not take the spouse or child raising class. I want change yesterday. How is my husband supposed to be our leader if he can’t take care of himself. I have lost all hope, respect and patience with his pathetic excuses and bad behavior. I took us to marriage retreats, vacations, church, marital counseling, I have had counseling, I pray without ceasing. What in the world is God hoping that I may learn from this experience?! I looked at the help this article offers and the MRI looks promising but I can’t make myself be the repairperson in the marriage just to face my husbands wrath of non-commitment and failure anymore. I feel like I am raising an angry teenage son on drugs, he is beligerant, resents me, and does the opposite of what the counselors, pastors and I suggest. Then he apologizes and I swear I can not listen to one more lame empty apology from this man.
My husband acts like he hates me. For 9 years I have worked hard to make this marriage work and he crushes and destroys it every chance he gets. His selfishness is overwelming and he destroys my selfesteem,worth and just me all the time. I try to uplift him his spirit and hold him up when he needs it but I get nothing in return. He makes fun of me and ignores me all the time. I have tried telling him how I feel and how much he hurts me,hurts us by acting this way he just smirks at me and ignores me. I get the silent treatment daily. Plus I basically got kicked out of the bedroom and now sleep in our daughters room. He has been caught looking at porn too. I made a huge mistake doing everything for him paying off debts,financial help,help with illness and other medical problems I have faced it all and done my best but it seems not good enough for him. Why would someone who is suppose to love you want you to suffer so much. At times I feel dying would be the answer cause at least the pain would stop. It affects our child too she treats me the way he does cause she thinks thats right. I fear for her future if she ends up like him. I prey all the time for answers from God what I should be doing but so far I feel alone in all of this. Lately I have been down so low for so long I dont think I will ever be able to get up again this time. What can I do.
This can be a I love a few of the articles which have been written, and especially the comments posted! I will definately be visiting again!
I’m just so confused but relieved to hear that I’m not alone in my situation. I have been married to my husband for 8 years and we are currently separated for the 2nd time. He is very inmature and insecure which has translated into fits of rage. They have escalated over the years and to the point that he brutally beat up one of our dogs. My 15 yr old son from a previous relationship simply watched the attack along side me in horror because we knew better than to touch him when he was enraged. Our dog died shortly after. I should have called the police but my husband begged me for forgiveness and said he was sorry. I forgave him but that hurt my relationship with my son who witnessed the attack to our beloved dog. At that point I gave up on my dreams of having children with my husband. That enraged him even further and the physical abuse turned to me. To this day he still thinks I was over reacting and is in denial about how his anger has hurt our relationship. After our first separation he agreed to go to anger managment classes. After a few months that we got back together he returned to his old ways. This time the anger was worse because I “made” him go and he was “holding back” months of anger during our separation.
I learned early on in my marriage to downplay my career success and gave up many of my friends who in his mind were too “educated” for him to have conversations with. I downplayed my intellect and only maintained friendships with his friends. He’s disrepected each of my family members, neighbors and doesn’t believe in going to church. He was my relationship..the end. I tried to set boundaries in the beginning but he’d find a way to guilt me into tearing them down by putting me down. I’ve changed so much over the years in order to try and save my marriage that I don’t remember what it is like to be just me anymore.
Now it’s the 7th month of our separation and he claims to be living the life he always wanted. He’s been in clubs in Las Vegas and now heading to Miami to “celebrate his independence” with his friends. And we’re not even divorced! He already has plans to move out of state to run a business with some relatives. He’s simply waiting for our court date so that he doesn’t have additional travel expenses to return.
So there is a divorce in progress but I find myself stalling on any correspondence my lawyer asks me for. In the end, I feel hurt and resentful, bitter and abandoned. My son is also struggling with these feelings even though my husband is not his biological father. He also took all of our money from our checking and savings accounts when he left so the home my son and I live in is in forclosure and I’ve been stuck paying the minimum on all our credit cards. I know that God will provide for me and my son but what do I do about my pending divorce?
I’m desperately sitting on the fence between doing what God asks me to do as a wife or letting my husband go which he seems determined to do anyways. I feel hopless, scared and confused. Please pray for my situation.
Dear Scared and Confused,
I want to reach out my arms of protection right now. So just image how much more God wants to protect you. The abuse you are feeling is real and you need to seek out support from family and friends. Heed the advise of others that are trying to help you.
It appears right now you are feel torn between trying to save an abusive relationship and trying to save yourself. God loves you, do you love you? I don’t always ask that question but in cases where abuse is taking place it is necessary. Pride or bitterness toward your spouse does not seem to the issue. It seems you are waiting for God to rescue you. And He desperately wants to- You need to look for where the rescue is happening. Your husband’s rejection could be your protection right now. Thank God that your husband is cutting off the relationship because you couldn’t. God wants to value you and protect you. You have an opportunity to seek understanding and know God in a deeper more powerful way. God is growing your character- find strength in doing empowering acts that reveal your worthiness. If you can’t do it for you do it for your son. He needs to know how to stand up to bullies- And frankly your husband doesn’t want to be a bully really- he’s has allowed his anger to control him. It’s not a good place for him. I’m so sorry his angry has made you feel hopeless and controlled. It’s time you and God take you back!
Amy Smalley,
Thank you so much for this post. As I was reading, I could not help but see myself in this type before and in the present. However, I do see the light in the darkness. I was impacted when you mentioned how Jesus chose to forgive the thief while they were up on the cross. For me too, when my girlfriend sometimes says things, does things, that hurts me, I see bitterness forming within my heart. I made a mistake of turning to the world, and I payed the price. But, God has truly blessed the both of us in that we are His children and He truly did make everything better and strengthened us and continues to do so everyday. Praise God our Lord almighty! I pray that your relationship may go stronger as you become closer with God! Thank you for helping out those who are hurting and in dire need of God's grace and love.
the bitterness comes so easily from the other side as well. I was the one with the alcoholism all these years. Now, having had that bondage broken by the power of God here I stand in need of forgiveness and grace. Life is miserable now even after a solid year of working a very active program of recovery that is Christ centered. Why, because it is evident that my wife is very bitter over where our life is at this point. It is not the one dreamed of, not the one I hoped and dreamed of either so many yrs ago. But, I feel like the thief next to Christ. He saved me when I truly thought I would not be able to live another day.
I keep thinking and praying that this miserable existence or living with her wrath, bitterness and general disdain is somehow to a blessing for me and my children.
'Somehow though, it just feels like payback from God.
I agree with what Amy said. A marriage crisis is a faith crisis.
Be encouraged William. You are taking great steps in obedience to the Lord. You are correcting the wrongs in your life and trying to live for Him. Continue to practice what Jesus says to do, and He will honor you.
Be longsuffering with your wife just as Jesus is with you. At this point, your wife is hurting and feeling betrayed by life. In a way, she sees you as the enemy to her happiness which is a hardened condition. Set the example for true, redeeming love and her heart will eventually long to follow your example. She may stay bitter and want to punish you for a time, but, at some point, she may be overwhelmed by your love. Pray for her. Remember to focus on forgiving her continually and not focus on needing her forgiveness. True happiness comes from giving….not in receiving. You can't be let down when you are giving unselfishly, but you almost always will be let down when you are waiting to receive.
Remember that when Jesus was next to that thief on the cross, He looked out on the people hurting Him and putting Him to death and said “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do”. Your wife really doesn't know the depth of what she is doing to herself and others with her bitterness and anger. She can't possibly know or she wouldn't do it. Please don't point out her wrongs. With God's help, you are showing her love by your actions and (hopefully) kind words….by working to restore what was lost in your relationship and your lives. You have reaped some of what you sowed in the past, but you can plant and continue to reap good things now and for what will come in the future. Sow love, you will reap love. Sow mercy and forgiveness and you will reap mercy and forgiveness. Don't give up no matter how long it takes. Check out Luke 6:27-38.
A hardened heart can be softened by love over time. Her heart has hardened because it feels the need to protect itself through blame, anger, complaining etc. This hardening of her heart is a sign that she is not in fellowship with Him:.
Ephesians 4:18 (NIV)
“They are darkend in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.”
Acts 28:27 (New Living Translation)
27 For the hearts of these people are hardened,
and their ears cannot hear,
and they have closed their eyes—
so their eyes cannot see,
and their ears cannot hear,
and their hearts cannot understand,
and they cannot turn to me
and let me heal them.
We tend to respond to hurt and bitterness with more of the same. Pray without ceasing to avoid this (be mindful of the Lord at all times). Stay in the Word. Faith comes by hearing. Remember that sin entered the Garden when Adam and Eve took their minds off of God long enough for deception to occur.
In case I forgot…..pray for her!
My wife and I continue to struggle through exactly what you are talking about. We have been struggling now for almost half a year. We both start to work on it and then we fall even further away from each other. We are both Christian, but over the years our personal beliefs on the validity of the Bible has grown far apart. What I have noticed is that there seem to be two demons at work in our marriage that is keeping us from seeing each other through the eyes of love. The first one was probably there from the beginning and we never took the time to work on it. That first one is commiunication. Admittedly, over the years, and especially after our children were born, we both craved our “alone time.” Unfortunately that alone time became the only time we sought. We never strived to talk to one another, to calibrate our own beliefs, and to even share ourselves. The second item is pride. That creeped in when it had the opportunity and refuses to let its grip go. Every time we start moving closer to one another, something happens and either myself or her or both of us take a deep breath and put the wall up around our hearts so we don't continue to get hurt and then proceed to say something stupid to the other. I don't have an answer to your request, Amy. I am in the throes of this right now. All I know is that if I didn't have God in my life….if I didn't have Jesus as my Savior….if I wasn't filled with the Holy Spirit, then my wife and I would have ended this when it started. God does see something in us. Right now we can't see it, but there is a plan. I just pray that we allow ourselves to be used by God's perfect plan.
22 years after……I waited until I found the “right ” one. We received a small amount of marriage coaching; I read everything I could find and spoke to other men in church who were married; some even newly weds. I prayed and fasted. I asked advice from those I trusted. I took a lot of flack from some relatives because they disagreed with my choice; even going as far as banning me from their homes. I have served my wife's family, and tried to honour them, in practical ways. We get on well, and they are good to be around. She does not speak to my family at all. My mother is overseas and in the past when I invite her to speak to my mother, she flatly refuses. Now i don't bother. I surrendered the first 12 years of marriage to being around my wife and children as they came. I attended the births; taking time off work to mother and father the first child as my wife had an op after giving birth and could not care for herself or the child; child 2 & 3 – also took leave to “do my part” as I understood it.I married in my late twenties and lived on my own since leaving school at 16. I am therefore confident of running a home; from cleaning to cooking and everything else in between.
I understood what my responsibility was and took it on, ignoring the personal cost to me. Until about 7 years ago when it dawned on me I was carrying an unfair portion of the responsibilities. I was at home and my wife would be out with friends and ministry teams; serving and socialising. I also have ministry roles. While the children were younger, the idea was to share the babysitting. Often I paid for babysitters so that I could participate in ministry or income generating activities. Travel is a big thing for my wife. Despite the economics, I stayed home and she went on several hollidays /mission trips.. I was confident I could look after the children, and I did, with some support from in-laws. I guess the occasion when she opted to travel with her father around our anniversary time was the dawning of something profound. I had ignored my own legitimate needs. Physical intimacy has long been a challenge. Around 2 years ago I stopped making the effort as I was afraid she may allege I raped her. She regularly cried during any attempt at lovemaking and has not to date given a reason. Involving a third party has been resisted on the basis that its “airing dirty linen in public”, and she does not trust anyone at our church, nor out of church! We share silence in the house when the children are not around. I would be content to have my own single bed, 'cos I would be able to roll around at peace. I avoid going to bed until in the wee hours. I sleep on average 5 hours each night which is just about enough to get me thrugh the day. My roles at church are demanding. No one knows the struggles, emptiness, dread, remorse, regret, anger, and sometimes resentment I experience. I am prepared to endure another 6 – 7 years which will ensure the children are adults and then I can find a more satisfying and fulfilling way of living instead of existing. My work has up until recently been aimed at providing for the family's needs. I recall I used to do a second job as a taxi, through the night, and still come home to change nappies , cook and clean. I took it that if I helped my wife, she would be happy and content and in return help meet my needs. How wrong is that thinking. I had an accident, falling asleep at the wheel once. After the police had done their job, I had to walk home from the scene in the small hours of the morning bearing facial injuries. I cleaned up myself and went to bed. The next morning, she took no account of my condition. I became more and more aware that unless I took care of myself , I may not survive. I worked in the hospitality trade doing 12 – 18 hours; coming home to change and then going back to do another 12 – 18 hours. I became despondent because I could not see the sacrifices I was making were in any meaningful to our relationship. It was during this time I first pondered upon suicide. It was a terrifying consideration. I was scared by my own thought. But strangely it persisted and became a dreaded cloud that pursued me constantly. Yet offered a possible release from the agony of rejection and loneliness I endured day after day. Many years have gone since that first encounter with suicidal thoughts. I am more aware of my vulnerability. Over the last two years work and home pressures have again brought on the thoughts with renewed intensity. After almost a year of unemployment which only added to the angst and tension at home and drove the wedge further I am working in a field which services people with mild to moderate depressive and anxiety symptoms. I see so much of myself in many of the clients I interview, and only now realise I have totally neglected my mental health. In all of this I am forced to look afresh at the testimonies i espoused. I am more reflective and less zealous with my mouth. I am grateful to God the children are all actively participating in worship and are living in a way which will bring them into a closer intimate relationship with Christ. This counter balances any thoughts I have of acting foolishly, or impulsively. I am aware of my hurts and the temptation to blame and bitterness. It sometimes feels as if life will have nothing more to offer. Is this the result of waiting almost 30 years? And surrendering another 23 years of life? I hope not. Every so often someon to whom I have served shares an experience or testimony, which reminds me God is still faithful and can do anything. I hope my case is not beyond His miraculous healing hand.
Cathy,
Email me if you’d like. It sounds like we are alike in our situations.
Rachel
rla11@students.uwf.edu
I feel exactly as you do! My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years and have 4 daughters, but nothing else. He is noncommunicative- to me and everyone else, he prefers his TV or computer, while I have lots of friends and am very social. We simply live in the same house, and sometimes share parenting. Sometimes… when I ask him to help out. We, too, walk on eggshells, lest we anger him, and then he explodes. We have been through counseling 3 times, and it gets a little better, or mainly, I have learned not to take his silence personnally anymore, and I have learned to get my self-worth from who I am in Christ not who I am to my husband.
I just finished reading “The Emotionally Destructive Relationship” and found the validation I have been craving for the first time in 18 years. I highly recommend it!!
Alco, you might want to get involved in a Celebrate Recovery group somewhere. It has made all the difference, and changed my life. And just remember “DON’T QUIT BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS!!
Rachel,
I am praying for you and your children – know that you are loved by your Heavenly Father. He sees your pain and is holding you in loving arms. Seek other women or counseling at church.
Mireya
Tracy,
I love the insights you made about not taking it personally. Many times anger has nothing to do with the spouse or the kids but the feelings of powerlessness or worthlessness. If you can, softly ask the question “What’s really going on right now? What are you frustrated about? Then probe for feelings not belittling comments! If those start stop the conversation- Teach your spouse how to treat you. Give the message- I will listen to your feelings and needs, but I will not tolerate belittlement.