I was so naive and inexperienced to understand what she was saying and what would happen
over the years. Its not surprising that her sex drive was significantly lower than mine simply
because she had several partners and i had -none-.
So foolish.

My parents bought into this Holy Stuff about sex being special etc…
I bought it hook line & sinker along with a deep fear of pregnancy and STD’s.

Bottom line.
Depression is now my constant companion.
Couldn’t cheat if i wanted to. Don’t think anything would work because I would recall
my wife telling me about my lack of experience, sexual talent and “equipment”.

So.
I can honestly and sincerely tell you, anonymously, that Death is an exciting change.
Maybe I will stop feeling like a loser.
Maybe all the memories of a sexless marriage and sexless life will simply be erased.
Maybe in that moment right before oblivion I will feel good about myself.

This story seems like something made up as an internet tear jerker or a story about
a REAL loser.

It’s real.
It’s me.
What a loser…

Thirteen years and five children later (ages 9 and under including a set of two year old twins), I have tried to be faithful to God in serving my husband and family. I have been hard-pressed on all sides, and my husband has chosen to serve himself instead of protecting or caring for me. He himself has preyed upon my faithfulness to God, and I find myself no longer to bear making myself vulnerable. I am bitter and I am dealing with my "faith" crisis.

If it helps, here are the practical things I'm doing:

1) Pursuiting God.

2) Cutting alot of activities out of my life and my family life at the moment so I can focus on what's most important. . . Some may not espouse this in particular, but I'm even cutting out extra church ministry right now. My FIRST ministry is to my husband and children, and we're in crisis. I find the church can unknowingly usurp the sanity of family life with busy-ness. I attend church still, and I find it helps me grow spiritually – but at the moment, I cannot feel the guilty pressure of serving in the ladies ministries, etc. Too bad. We have cut back on our children's activities. We are trying to rebuild a healthy home life that is less stressed and instead is nourishing and recharging to the spirits and relationships here.

3) EXERCISE. I have started making exercise a priority for not just me but each person in our house. Fresh air is also crucial. I think good leaders need to be physically fit and ready to handle stresses, emotional and physical. God wants us to care for the bodies He gave us. This also makes me feel better about myself.

4) EATING HEALTHY.

5) GETTING PLENTY OF SLEEP.

6) COMMUNICATION with respect to all members, not just spouse, in the household.

7) DECLUTTERING our entire home. Materialism stresses me out big time. I just cannot manage all the junk of modern day life in America.
ACCEPTING that this all takes time. Being patient with others and myself.

9) WATCHING MY ATTITUDE. Remembering how the best things in life are truly the free ones. . . Just looking upon God's creation outside helps me with this. When my joy is evident, I feel the people around me joining in and being positive and thankful to God. Even when the chips feel down.

Basically, I'm going back to basics. I'm simplifying my life and focusing on God, my marriage and my family. I find that I cannot tackle these issues in my marriage and home right now with all the extra noise of modern society. I've even quit following the news at the moment.

Don't try to be perfect. When I have, it has only made things worse, and truly – my husband hasn't seemed to care one way or another. It hasn't mattered how "good" I was or how I lovingly served him because he was too wrapped up in himself. Ultimately, this hurting and hurtfulness involves individuals being selfish or wrapped up in themselves. We must be wrapped up in God. Your self-esteem issues can cause you to be wrapped up in yourself. . . And your husband's hurting can result in him being selfish to protect himself. Put your focus on God for your healing, and your husband must focus on God too if he is to heal. Your self-worth will not waver if you remember how much Christ loves you. He died for you. Success in life without bumps and troubles IS NOT evidence of your Christianity; Having your Savior in the boat with you through all that you do is the evidence of your relationship with Him.

God bless you, Beth. Hang in there and know you are not alone. One day and one step at time. This healing is for the long haul. . .

I know this from observation and experience. I married a man who was just like what you're saying. And I'm the sister-in-law of this sort of man. I have seen the ravages of this "enlightened" thinking and how selfish and self-serving it can be. One has to ultimately submit to something even BIGGER than a human mind and its "reason, logic, common sense". Each person can define and argue his or her own "reason, logic, common sense", and that's a formula for two people standing on two different foundations instead of the very same one. . . How is one structure (marriage) supposed to be built strong from two people (husband and wife) standing on different foundations (beliefs and convictions)?

The connection they long for is submission to the one true God. And when a husband and wife BOTH submit, without pride and selfishness – with true humility and service, then they both mutually make their spouse feel important. There is a mystery in this. And it is beautiful.

Do not preach at your hurt bitter spouse. You cannot demand forgiveness from them. As many of you had patient spouses who prayed that you would be touched by Christ so that you could throw off your addictions, selfishness and pride, and like barriers, it is now your time to be patient, merciful, compassionate and self-sacrificing. A mere "I'm sorry" does not erase the fears your hurting spouse has of making herself/himself vulnerable to your abuses again and again. A mere "I'm sorry" and having the attitude that you deserve this scott-free new chance again will not erase the bitterness and deep hurt. Even tearful contriteness will not make your hurt bitter spouse feel safe. . . especially if that spouse spent years, decades even, dealing with your day-to-day abuses, pride and selfishness. You should show every bit of gratefulness that your spouse would be willing to stick it through with you, and you should make your spouses safety and well-being above your own. And you should make it clear that your respect and turn-around is there to stay forever and ever. And you should make it your mission that you have submitted yourself to doing what God has commanded you to do as a husband or wife. If it takes just as long for your spouse to overcome his or her bitterness as it took you to finally come around to actually submitting to God in your marriage as you ought, then you should be willing to give your spouse that time. . . and all the while, you should demonstrate mercy, compassion, and grace towards the very individual you abused.

It should have been this way in the beginning of your relationship: THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR YOUR CHOICES AND ATTITUDES. These affect not just you but very deeply your spouse, children and those around you. Just because you have decided to make it right finally doesn't mean that the fall-out consequences do not exist. You are going to have to deal with consoling, encouraging, uplifting and showing mercy to the very people you were destroying with your issues and poor choices.

Bitterness is a wall built to protect one's heart and soul from the ravages of another's selfishness and pride. Both bitterness and the issues of selfishness/pride can only be torn down by willing submission to God.

Too often, I see the hurtful spouse thinking of themselves as the victim of some long adventure where they were left to wander blind in a dark tunnel. All of a sudden, they get a glimpse of the light and they want to be free. But many times, there were warning signs and outright communications that they were not heeding. . . in the beginning, the signs were gentle and patient, and as the hurtful spouse did not heed the warnings, the signs became louder and more aggressive. Better wake up before it's too late.

Yes, those of us like myself dealing with bitterness must submit to God. But do you have any idea how unsafe I feel submitting to someone who has repeatedly ignored the warning signs – not just my feelings or my children's feelings but also God's commands? Bitterness is not just the burden of the hurt spouse. . . The hurtful spouse upon turning around towards a better marriage, MUST MAKE IT CLEAR that he or she is there to ease the burden of hurt that he or she has caused.

wanted me to find a job or go to school im a stay home mom. it took him leaving to make me open my eyes. i feel like such a failure. i think if i said lets get a divorce right now he would. its so confusing because he has not completely moved out. im on my last hope