Comments on: A Sharp Warning Your Marriage is in Trouble- When Bitterness Creeps In http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in Expert advice on dating, marriage, and parenting Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:47:25 -0500 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Norbert http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-62841 Norbert Sun, 07 Mar 2010 01:51:44 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-62841 22 years after......I waited until I found the "right " one. We received a small amount of marriage coaching; I read everything I could find and spoke to other men in church who were married; some even newly weds. I prayed and fasted. I asked advice from those I trusted. I took a lot of flack from some relatives because they disagreed with my choice; even going as far as banning me from their homes. I have served my wife's family, and tried to honour them, in practical ways. We get on well, and they are good to be around. She does not speak to my family at all. My mother is overseas and in the past when I invite her to speak to my mother, she flatly refuses. Now i don't bother. I surrendered the first 12 years of marriage to being around my wife and children as they came. I attended the births; taking time off work to mother and father the first child as my wife had an op after giving birth and could not care for herself or the child; child 2 & 3 - also took leave to "do my part" as I understood it.I married in my late twenties and lived on my own since leaving school at 16. I am therefore confident of running a home; from cleaning to cooking and everything else in between. <br>I understood what my responsibility was and took it on, ignoring the personal cost to me. Until about 7 years ago when it dawned on me I was carrying an unfair portion of the responsibilities. I was at home and my wife would be out with friends and ministry teams; serving and socialising. I also have ministry roles. While the children were younger, the idea was to share the babysitting. Often I paid for babysitters so that I could participate in ministry or income generating activities. Travel is a big thing for my wife. Despite the economics, I stayed home and she went on several hollidays /mission trips.. I was confident I could look after the children, and I did, with some support from in-laws. I guess the occasion when she opted to travel with her father around our anniversary time was the dawning of something profound. I had ignored my own legitimate needs. Physical intimacy has long been a challenge. Around 2 years ago I stopped making the effort as I was afraid she may allege I raped her. She regularly cried during any attempt at lovemaking and has not to date given a reason. Involving a third party has been resisted on the basis that its "airing dirty linen in public", and she does not trust anyone at our church, nor out of church! We share silence in the house when the children are not around. I would be content to have my own single bed, 'cos I would be able to roll around at peace. I avoid going to bed until in the wee hours. I sleep on average 5 hours each night which is just about enough to get me thrugh the day. My roles at church are demanding. No one knows the struggles, emptiness, dread, remorse, regret, anger, and sometimes resentment I experience. I am prepared to endure another 6 - 7 years which will ensure the children are adults and then I can find a more satisfying and fulfilling way of living instead of existing. My work has up until recently been aimed at providing for the family's needs. I recall I used to do a second job as a taxi, through the night, and still come home to change nappies , cook and clean. I took it that if I helped my wife, she would be happy and content and in return help meet my needs. How wrong is that thinking. I had an accident, falling asleep at the wheel once. After the police had done their job, I had to walk home from the scene in the small hours of the morning bearing facial injuries. I cleaned up myself and went to bed. The next morning, she took no account of my condition. I became more and more aware that unless I took care of myself , I may not survive. I worked in the hospitality trade doing 12 - 18 hours; coming home to change and then going back to do another 12 - 18 hours. I became despondent because I could not see the sacrifices I was making were in any meaningful to our relationship. It was during this time I first pondered upon suicide. It was a terrifying consideration. I was scared by my own thought. But strangely it persisted and became a dreaded cloud that pursued me constantly. Yet offered a possible release from the agony of rejection and loneliness I endured day after day. Many years have gone since that first encounter with suicidal thoughts. I am more aware of my vulnerability. Over the last two years work and home pressures have again brought on the thoughts with renewed intensity. After almost a year of unemployment which only added to the angst and tension at home and drove the wedge further I am working in a field which services people with mild to moderate depressive and anxiety symptoms. I see so much of myself in many of the clients I interview, and only now realise I have totally neglected my mental health. In all of this I am forced to look afresh at the testimonies i espoused. I am more reflective and less zealous with my mouth. I am grateful to God the children are all actively participating in worship and are living in a way which will bring them into a closer intimate relationship with Christ. This counter balances any thoughts I have of acting foolishly, or impulsively. I am aware of my hurts and the temptation to blame and bitterness. It sometimes feels as if life will have nothing more to offer. Is this the result of waiting almost 30 years? And surrendering another 23 years of life? I hope not. Every so often someon to whom I have served shares an experience or testimony, which reminds me God is still faithful and can do anything. I hope my case is not beyond His miraculous healing hand. 22 years after……I waited until I found the “right ” one. We received a small amount of marriage coaching; I read everything I could find and spoke to other men in church who were married; some even newly weds. I prayed and fasted. I asked advice from those I trusted. I took a lot of flack from some relatives because they disagreed with my choice; even going as far as banning me from their homes. I have served my wife's family, and tried to honour them, in practical ways. We get on well, and they are good to be around. She does not speak to my family at all. My mother is overseas and in the past when I invite her to speak to my mother, she flatly refuses. Now i don't bother. I surrendered the first 12 years of marriage to being around my wife and children as they came. I attended the births; taking time off work to mother and father the first child as my wife had an op after giving birth and could not care for herself or the child; child 2 & 3 – also took leave to “do my part” as I understood it.I married in my late twenties and lived on my own since leaving school at 16. I am therefore confident of running a home; from cleaning to cooking and everything else in between.
I understood what my responsibility was and took it on, ignoring the personal cost to me. Until about 7 years ago when it dawned on me I was carrying an unfair portion of the responsibilities. I was at home and my wife would be out with friends and ministry teams; serving and socialising. I also have ministry roles. While the children were younger, the idea was to share the babysitting. Often I paid for babysitters so that I could participate in ministry or income generating activities. Travel is a big thing for my wife. Despite the economics, I stayed home and she went on several hollidays /mission trips.. I was confident I could look after the children, and I did, with some support from in-laws. I guess the occasion when she opted to travel with her father around our anniversary time was the dawning of something profound. I had ignored my own legitimate needs. Physical intimacy has long been a challenge. Around 2 years ago I stopped making the effort as I was afraid she may allege I raped her. She regularly cried during any attempt at lovemaking and has not to date given a reason. Involving a third party has been resisted on the basis that its “airing dirty linen in public”, and she does not trust anyone at our church, nor out of church! We share silence in the house when the children are not around. I would be content to have my own single bed, 'cos I would be able to roll around at peace. I avoid going to bed until in the wee hours. I sleep on average 5 hours each night which is just about enough to get me thrugh the day. My roles at church are demanding. No one knows the struggles, emptiness, dread, remorse, regret, anger, and sometimes resentment I experience. I am prepared to endure another 6 – 7 years which will ensure the children are adults and then I can find a more satisfying and fulfilling way of living instead of existing. My work has up until recently been aimed at providing for the family's needs. I recall I used to do a second job as a taxi, through the night, and still come home to change nappies , cook and clean. I took it that if I helped my wife, she would be happy and content and in return help meet my needs. How wrong is that thinking. I had an accident, falling asleep at the wheel once. After the police had done their job, I had to walk home from the scene in the small hours of the morning bearing facial injuries. I cleaned up myself and went to bed. The next morning, she took no account of my condition. I became more and more aware that unless I took care of myself , I may not survive. I worked in the hospitality trade doing 12 – 18 hours; coming home to change and then going back to do another 12 – 18 hours. I became despondent because I could not see the sacrifices I was making were in any meaningful to our relationship. It was during this time I first pondered upon suicide. It was a terrifying consideration. I was scared by my own thought. But strangely it persisted and became a dreaded cloud that pursued me constantly. Yet offered a possible release from the agony of rejection and loneliness I endured day after day. Many years have gone since that first encounter with suicidal thoughts. I am more aware of my vulnerability. Over the last two years work and home pressures have again brought on the thoughts with renewed intensity. After almost a year of unemployment which only added to the angst and tension at home and drove the wedge further I am working in a field which services people with mild to moderate depressive and anxiety symptoms. I see so much of myself in many of the clients I interview, and only now realise I have totally neglected my mental health. In all of this I am forced to look afresh at the testimonies i espoused. I am more reflective and less zealous with my mouth. I am grateful to God the children are all actively participating in worship and are living in a way which will bring them into a closer intimate relationship with Christ. This counter balances any thoughts I have of acting foolishly, or impulsively. I am aware of my hurts and the temptation to blame and bitterness. It sometimes feels as if life will have nothing more to offer. Is this the result of waiting almost 30 years? And surrendering another 23 years of life? I hope not. Every so often someon to whom I have served shares an experience or testimony, which reminds me God is still faithful and can do anything. I hope my case is not beyond His miraculous healing hand.

]]> By: fred http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-62822 fred Tue, 02 Mar 2010 11:45:42 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-62822 My wife and I continue to struggle through exactly what you are talking about. We have been struggling now for almost half a year. We both start to work on it and then we fall even further away from each other. We are both Christian, but over the years our personal beliefs on the validity of the Bible has grown far apart. What I have noticed is that there seem to be two demons at work in our marriage that is keeping us from seeing each other through the eyes of love. The first one was probably there from the beginning and we never took the time to work on it. That first one is commiunication. Admittedly, over the years, and especially after our children were born, we both craved our "alone time." Unfortunately that alone time became the only time we sought. We never strived to talk to one another, to calibrate our own beliefs, and to even share ourselves. The second item is pride. That creeped in when it had the opportunity and refuses to let its grip go. Every time we start moving closer to one another, something happens and either myself or her or both of us take a deep breath and put the wall up around our hearts so we don't continue to get hurt and then proceed to say something stupid to the other. I don't have an answer to your request, Amy. I am in the throes of this right now. All I know is that if I didn't have God in my life....if I didn't have Jesus as my Savior....if I wasn't filled with the Holy Spirit, then my wife and I would have ended this when it started. God does see something in us. Right now we can't see it, but there is a plan. I just pray that we allow ourselves to be used by God's perfect plan. My wife and I continue to struggle through exactly what you are talking about. We have been struggling now for almost half a year. We both start to work on it and then we fall even further away from each other. We are both Christian, but over the years our personal beliefs on the validity of the Bible has grown far apart. What I have noticed is that there seem to be two demons at work in our marriage that is keeping us from seeing each other through the eyes of love. The first one was probably there from the beginning and we never took the time to work on it. That first one is commiunication. Admittedly, over the years, and especially after our children were born, we both craved our “alone time.” Unfortunately that alone time became the only time we sought. We never strived to talk to one another, to calibrate our own beliefs, and to even share ourselves. The second item is pride. That creeped in when it had the opportunity and refuses to let its grip go. Every time we start moving closer to one another, something happens and either myself or her or both of us take a deep breath and put the wall up around our hearts so we don't continue to get hurt and then proceed to say something stupid to the other. I don't have an answer to your request, Amy. I am in the throes of this right now. All I know is that if I didn't have God in my life….if I didn't have Jesus as my Savior….if I wasn't filled with the Holy Spirit, then my wife and I would have ended this when it started. God does see something in us. Right now we can't see it, but there is a plan. I just pray that we allow ourselves to be used by God's perfect plan.

]]> By: pdr777 http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-62653 pdr777 Fri, 26 Feb 2010 08:25:13 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-62653 I agree with what Amy said. A marriage crisis is a faith crisis. <br>Be encouraged William. You are taking great steps in obedience to the Lord. You are correcting the wrongs in your life and trying to live for Him. Continue to practice what Jesus says to do, and He will honor you. <br><br>Be longsuffering with your wife just as Jesus is with you. At this point, your wife is hurting and feeling betrayed by life. In a way, she sees you as the enemy to her happiness which is a hardened condition. Set the example for true, redeeming love and her heart will eventually long to follow your example. She may stay bitter and want to punish you for a time, but, at some point, she may be overwhelmed by your love. Pray for her. Remember to focus on forgiving her continually and not focus on needing her forgiveness. True happiness comes from giving....not in receiving. You can't be let down when you are giving unselfishly, but you almost always will be let down when you are waiting to receive.<br><br>Remember that when Jesus was next to that thief on the cross, He looked out on the people hurting Him and putting Him to death and said "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do". Your wife really doesn't know the depth of what she is doing to herself and others with her bitterness and anger. She can't possibly know or she wouldn't do it. Please don't point out her wrongs. With God's help, you are showing her love by your actions and (hopefully) kind words....by working to restore what was lost in your relationship and your lives. You have reaped some of what you sowed in the past, but you can plant and continue to reap good things now and for what will come in the future. Sow love, you will reap love. Sow mercy and forgiveness and you will reap mercy and forgiveness. Don't give up no matter how long it takes. Check out Luke 6:27-38.<br><br>A hardened heart can be softened by love over time. Her heart has hardened because it feels the need to protect itself through blame, anger, complaining etc. This hardening of her heart is a sign that she is not in fellowship with Him:. <br><br>Ephesians 4:18 (NIV)<br> "They are darkend in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts." <br><br>Acts 28:27 (New Living Translation)<br> 27 For the hearts of these people are hardened,<br> and their ears cannot hear,<br> and they have closed their eyes—<br> so their eyes cannot see,<br> and their ears cannot hear,<br> and their hearts cannot understand,<br> and they cannot turn to me<br> and let me heal them.<br><br>We tend to respond to hurt and bitterness with more of the same. Pray without ceasing to avoid this (be mindful of the Lord at all times). Stay in the Word. Faith comes by hearing. Remember that sin entered the Garden when Adam and Eve took their minds off of God long enough for deception to occur. <br><br>In case I forgot.....pray for her! I agree with what Amy said. A marriage crisis is a faith crisis.
Be encouraged William. You are taking great steps in obedience to the Lord. You are correcting the wrongs in your life and trying to live for Him. Continue to practice what Jesus says to do, and He will honor you.

Be longsuffering with your wife just as Jesus is with you. At this point, your wife is hurting and feeling betrayed by life. In a way, she sees you as the enemy to her happiness which is a hardened condition. Set the example for true, redeeming love and her heart will eventually long to follow your example. She may stay bitter and want to punish you for a time, but, at some point, she may be overwhelmed by your love. Pray for her. Remember to focus on forgiving her continually and not focus on needing her forgiveness. True happiness comes from giving….not in receiving. You can't be let down when you are giving unselfishly, but you almost always will be let down when you are waiting to receive.

Remember that when Jesus was next to that thief on the cross, He looked out on the people hurting Him and putting Him to death and said “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do”. Your wife really doesn't know the depth of what she is doing to herself and others with her bitterness and anger. She can't possibly know or she wouldn't do it. Please don't point out her wrongs. With God's help, you are showing her love by your actions and (hopefully) kind words….by working to restore what was lost in your relationship and your lives. You have reaped some of what you sowed in the past, but you can plant and continue to reap good things now and for what will come in the future. Sow love, you will reap love. Sow mercy and forgiveness and you will reap mercy and forgiveness. Don't give up no matter how long it takes. Check out Luke 6:27-38.

A hardened heart can be softened by love over time. Her heart has hardened because it feels the need to protect itself through blame, anger, complaining etc. This hardening of her heart is a sign that she is not in fellowship with Him:.

Ephesians 4:18 (NIV)
“They are darkend in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.”

Acts 28:27 (New Living Translation)
27 For the hearts of these people are hardened,
and their ears cannot hear,
and they have closed their eyes—
so their eyes cannot see,
and their ears cannot hear,
and their hearts cannot understand,
and they cannot turn to me
and let me heal them.

We tend to respond to hurt and bitterness with more of the same. Pray without ceasing to avoid this (be mindful of the Lord at all times). Stay in the Word. Faith comes by hearing. Remember that sin entered the Garden when Adam and Eve took their minds off of God long enough for deception to occur.

In case I forgot…..pray for her!

]]> By: william http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-61893 william Sat, 13 Feb 2010 20:31:31 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-61893 the bitterness comes so easily from the other side as well. I was the one with the alcoholism all these years. Now, having had that bondage broken by the power of God here I stand in need of forgiveness and grace. Life is miserable now even after a solid year of working a very active program of recovery that is Christ centered. Why, because it is evident that my wife is very bitter over where our life is at this point. It is not the one dreamed of, not the one I hoped and dreamed of either so many yrs ago. But, I feel like the thief next to Christ. He saved me when I truly thought I would not be able to live another day. <br>I keep thinking and praying that this miserable existence or living with her wrath, bitterness and general disdain is somehow to a blessing for me and my children. <br>'Somehow though, it just feels like payback from God. the bitterness comes so easily from the other side as well. I was the one with the alcoholism all these years. Now, having had that bondage broken by the power of God here I stand in need of forgiveness and grace. Life is miserable now even after a solid year of working a very active program of recovery that is Christ centered. Why, because it is evident that my wife is very bitter over where our life is at this point. It is not the one dreamed of, not the one I hoped and dreamed of either so many yrs ago. But, I feel like the thief next to Christ. He saved me when I truly thought I would not be able to live another day.
I keep thinking and praying that this miserable existence or living with her wrath, bitterness and general disdain is somehow to a blessing for me and my children.
'Somehow though, it just feels like payback from God.

]]> By: Tony Chang http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-61471 Tony Chang Fri, 05 Feb 2010 20:02:14 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-61471 Amy Smalley,<br> Thank you so much for this post. As I was reading, I could not help but see myself in this type before and in the present. However, I do see the light in the darkness. I was impacted when you mentioned how Jesus chose to forgive the thief while they were up on the cross. For me too, when my girlfriend sometimes says things, does things, that hurts me, I see bitterness forming within my heart. I made a mistake of turning to the world, and I payed the price. But, God has truly blessed the both of us in that we are His children and He truly did make everything better and strengthened us and continues to do so everyday. Praise God our Lord almighty! I pray that your relationship may go stronger as you become closer with God! Thank you for helping out those who are hurting and in dire need of God's grace and love. Amy Smalley,
Thank you so much for this post. As I was reading, I could not help but see myself in this type before and in the present. However, I do see the light in the darkness. I was impacted when you mentioned how Jesus chose to forgive the thief while they were up on the cross. For me too, when my girlfriend sometimes says things, does things, that hurts me, I see bitterness forming within my heart. I made a mistake of turning to the world, and I payed the price. But, God has truly blessed the both of us in that we are His children and He truly did make everything better and strengthened us and continues to do so everyday. Praise God our Lord almighty! I pray that your relationship may go stronger as you become closer with God! Thank you for helping out those who are hurting and in dire need of God's grace and love.

]]> By: Amy Smalley http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-61313 Amy Smalley Tue, 02 Feb 2010 15:43:12 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-61313 Dear Scared and Confused, I want to reach out my arms of protection right now. So just image how much more God wants to protect you. The abuse you are feeling is real and you need to seek out support from family and friends. Heed the advise of others that are trying to help you. It appears right now you are feel torn between trying to save an abusive relationship and trying to save yourself. God loves you, do you love you? I don't always ask that question but in cases where abuse is taking place it is necessary. Pride or bitterness toward your spouse does not seem to the issue. It seems you are waiting for God to rescue you. And He desperately wants to- You need to look for where the rescue is happening. Your husband's rejection could be your protection right now. Thank God that your husband is cutting off the relationship because you couldn't. God wants to value you and protect you. You have an opportunity to seek understanding and know God in a deeper more powerful way. God is growing your character- find strength in doing empowering acts that reveal your worthiness. If you can't do it for you do it for your son. He needs to know how to stand up to bullies- And frankly your husband doesn't want to be a bully really- he's has allowed his anger to control him. It's not a good place for him. I'm so sorry his angry has made you feel hopeless and controlled. It's time you and God take you back! Dear Scared and Confused,

I want to reach out my arms of protection right now. So just image how much more God wants to protect you. The abuse you are feeling is real and you need to seek out support from family and friends. Heed the advise of others that are trying to help you.
It appears right now you are feel torn between trying to save an abusive relationship and trying to save yourself. God loves you, do you love you? I don’t always ask that question but in cases where abuse is taking place it is necessary. Pride or bitterness toward your spouse does not seem to the issue. It seems you are waiting for God to rescue you. And He desperately wants to- You need to look for where the rescue is happening. Your husband’s rejection could be your protection right now. Thank God that your husband is cutting off the relationship because you couldn’t. God wants to value you and protect you. You have an opportunity to seek understanding and know God in a deeper more powerful way. God is growing your character- find strength in doing empowering acts that reveal your worthiness. If you can’t do it for you do it for your son. He needs to know how to stand up to bullies- And frankly your husband doesn’t want to be a bully really- he’s has allowed his anger to control him. It’s not a good place for him. I’m so sorry his angry has made you feel hopeless and controlled. It’s time you and God take you back!

]]> By: scared and confused http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-61200 scared and confused Mon, 01 Feb 2010 19:54:55 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-61200 I'm just so confused but relieved to hear that I'm not alone in my situation. I have been married to my husband for 8 years and we are currently separated for the 2nd time. He is very inmature and insecure which has translated into fits of rage. They have escalated over the years and to the point that he brutally beat up one of our dogs. My 15 yr old son from a previous relationship simply watched the attack along side me in horror because we knew better than to touch him when he was enraged. Our dog died shortly after. I should have called the police but my husband begged me for forgiveness and said he was sorry. I forgave him but that hurt my relationship with my son who witnessed the attack to our beloved dog. At that point I gave up on my dreams of having children with my husband. That enraged him even further and the physical abuse turned to me. To this day he still thinks I was over reacting and is in denial about how his anger has hurt our relationship. After our first separation he agreed to go to anger managment classes. After a few months that we got back together he returned to his old ways. This time the anger was worse because I "made" him go and he was "holding back" months of anger during our separation. I learned early on in my marriage to downplay my career success and gave up many of my friends who in his mind were too "educated" for him to have conversations with. I downplayed my intellect and only maintained friendships with his friends. He's disrepected each of my family members, neighbors and doesn't believe in going to church. He was my relationship..the end. I tried to set boundaries in the beginning but he'd find a way to guilt me into tearing them down by putting me down. I've changed so much over the years in order to try and save my marriage that I don't remember what it is like to be just me anymore. Now it's the 7th month of our separation and he claims to be living the life he always wanted. He's been in clubs in Las Vegas and now heading to Miami to "celebrate his independence" with his friends. And we're not even divorced! He already has plans to move out of state to run a business with some relatives. He's simply waiting for our court date so that he doesn't have additional travel expenses to return. So there is a divorce in progress but I find myself stalling on any correspondence my lawyer asks me for. In the end, I feel hurt and resentful, bitter and abandoned. My son is also struggling with these feelings even though my husband is not his biological father. He also took all of our money from our checking and savings accounts when he left so the home my son and I live in is in forclosure and I've been stuck paying the minimum on all our credit cards. I know that God will provide for me and my son but what do I do about my pending divorce? I'm desperately sitting on the fence between doing what God asks me to do as a wife or letting my husband go which he seems determined to do anyways. I feel hopless, scared and confused. Please pray for my situation. I’m just so confused but relieved to hear that I’m not alone in my situation. I have been married to my husband for 8 years and we are currently separated for the 2nd time. He is very inmature and insecure which has translated into fits of rage. They have escalated over the years and to the point that he brutally beat up one of our dogs. My 15 yr old son from a previous relationship simply watched the attack along side me in horror because we knew better than to touch him when he was enraged. Our dog died shortly after. I should have called the police but my husband begged me for forgiveness and said he was sorry. I forgave him but that hurt my relationship with my son who witnessed the attack to our beloved dog. At that point I gave up on my dreams of having children with my husband. That enraged him even further and the physical abuse turned to me. To this day he still thinks I was over reacting and is in denial about how his anger has hurt our relationship. After our first separation he agreed to go to anger managment classes. After a few months that we got back together he returned to his old ways. This time the anger was worse because I “made” him go and he was “holding back” months of anger during our separation.

I learned early on in my marriage to downplay my career success and gave up many of my friends who in his mind were too “educated” for him to have conversations with. I downplayed my intellect and only maintained friendships with his friends. He’s disrepected each of my family members, neighbors and doesn’t believe in going to church. He was my relationship..the end. I tried to set boundaries in the beginning but he’d find a way to guilt me into tearing them down by putting me down. I’ve changed so much over the years in order to try and save my marriage that I don’t remember what it is like to be just me anymore.

Now it’s the 7th month of our separation and he claims to be living the life he always wanted. He’s been in clubs in Las Vegas and now heading to Miami to “celebrate his independence” with his friends. And we’re not even divorced! He already has plans to move out of state to run a business with some relatives. He’s simply waiting for our court date so that he doesn’t have additional travel expenses to return.

So there is a divorce in progress but I find myself stalling on any correspondence my lawyer asks me for. In the end, I feel hurt and resentful, bitter and abandoned. My son is also struggling with these feelings even though my husband is not his biological father. He also took all of our money from our checking and savings accounts when he left so the home my son and I live in is in forclosure and I’ve been stuck paying the minimum on all our credit cards. I know that God will provide for me and my son but what do I do about my pending divorce?
I’m desperately sitting on the fence between doing what God asks me to do as a wife or letting my husband go which he seems determined to do anyways. I feel hopless, scared and confused. Please pray for my situation.

]]> By: Brian Herrera http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-60674 Brian Herrera Thu, 28 Jan 2010 06:57:34 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-60674 This can be a I love a few of the articles which have been written, and especially the comments posted! I will definately be visiting again! This can be a I love a few of the articles which have been written, and especially the comments posted! I will definately be visiting again!

]]> By: Kelly http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-60560 Kelly Tue, 26 Jan 2010 15:52:06 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-60560 My husband acts like he hates me. For 9 years I have worked hard to make this marriage work and he crushes and destroys it every chance he gets. His selfishness is overwelming and he destroys my selfesteem,worth and just me all the time. I try to uplift him his spirit and hold him up when he needs it but I get nothing in return. He makes fun of me and ignores me all the time. I have tried telling him how I feel and how much he hurts me,hurts us by acting this way he just smirks at me and ignores me. I get the silent treatment daily. Plus I basically got kicked out of the bedroom and now sleep in our daughters room. He has been caught looking at porn too. I made a huge mistake doing everything for him paying off debts,financial help,help with illness and other medical problems I have faced it all and done my best but it seems not good enough for him. Why would someone who is suppose to love you want you to suffer so much. At times I feel dying would be the answer cause at least the pain would stop. It affects our child too she treats me the way he does cause she thinks thats right. I fear for her future if she ends up like him. I prey all the time for answers from God what I should be doing but so far I feel alone in all of this. Lately I have been down so low for so long I dont think I will ever be able to get up again this time. What can I do. My husband acts like he hates me. For 9 years I have worked hard to make this marriage work and he crushes and destroys it every chance he gets. His selfishness is overwelming and he destroys my selfesteem,worth and just me all the time. I try to uplift him his spirit and hold him up when he needs it but I get nothing in return. He makes fun of me and ignores me all the time. I have tried telling him how I feel and how much he hurts me,hurts us by acting this way he just smirks at me and ignores me. I get the silent treatment daily. Plus I basically got kicked out of the bedroom and now sleep in our daughters room. He has been caught looking at porn too. I made a huge mistake doing everything for him paying off debts,financial help,help with illness and other medical problems I have faced it all and done my best but it seems not good enough for him. Why would someone who is suppose to love you want you to suffer so much. At times I feel dying would be the answer cause at least the pain would stop. It affects our child too she treats me the way he does cause she thinks thats right. I fear for her future if she ends up like him. I prey all the time for answers from God what I should be doing but so far I feel alone in all of this. Lately I have been down so low for so long I dont think I will ever be able to get up again this time. What can I do.

]]> By: CoCo http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-60557 CoCo Tue, 26 Jan 2010 14:19:49 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-60557 Hi, I read these stories looking for hope. I have been married for 9 years and I am a good and kind person. My husband has been selfish and immature. I have lost my patience and hope. His behavior will not change. I am so frustrated my heart hurts. I can not bring myself to try another technique to save us. Last year I started studying Beth Moore, Joyce Myers and Gary Smalley's book change your heart change your life. They are excellent books, the problem is that I am only human. and I want my companion to stop being my opponent. I issued a request for peace to him demanding that he complete an anger management, spouse and child raising class by JAn 15, 2010 or he needs to live elsewhere. He was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with ADHD and he is taking meds for it. He finished the anger management class, but did not take the spouse or child raising class. I want change yesterday. How is my husband supposed to be our leader if he can't take care of himself. I have lost all hope, respect and patience with his pathetic excuses and bad behavior. I took us to marriage retreats, vacations, church, marital counseling, I have had counseling, I pray without ceasing. What in the world is God hoping that I may learn from this experience?! I looked at the help this article offers and the MRI looks promising but I can't make myself be the repairperson in the marriage just to face my husbands wrath of non-commitment and failure anymore. I feel like I am raising an angry teenage son on drugs, he is beligerant, resents me, and does the opposite of what the counselors, pastors and I suggest. Then he apologizes and I swear I can not listen to one more lame empty apology from this man. Hi,
I read these stories looking for hope. I have been married for 9 years and I am a good and kind person. My husband has been selfish and immature. I have lost my patience and hope. His behavior will not change. I am so frustrated my heart hurts. I can not bring myself to try another technique to save us. Last year I started studying Beth Moore, Joyce Myers and Gary Smalley’s book change your heart change your life. They are excellent books, the problem is that I am only human. and I want my companion to stop being my opponent. I issued a request for peace to him demanding that he complete an anger management, spouse and child raising class by JAn 15, 2010 or he needs to live elsewhere. He was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with ADHD and he is taking meds for it. He finished the anger management class, but did not take the spouse or child raising class. I want change yesterday. How is my husband supposed to be our leader if he can’t take care of himself. I have lost all hope, respect and patience with his pathetic excuses and bad behavior. I took us to marriage retreats, vacations, church, marital counseling, I have had counseling, I pray without ceasing. What in the world is God hoping that I may learn from this experience?! I looked at the help this article offers and the MRI looks promising but I can’t make myself be the repairperson in the marriage just to face my husbands wrath of non-commitment and failure anymore. I feel like I am raising an angry teenage son on drugs, he is beligerant, resents me, and does the opposite of what the counselors, pastors and I suggest. Then he apologizes and I swear I can not listen to one more lame empty apology from this man.

]]> By: Amy Smalley http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-60556 Amy Smalley Tue, 26 Jan 2010 14:06:57 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-60556 Connie, Your marriage is in trouble and you need help. The anger and bitterness you are feeling is a message that something needs to change. It seems the past has not been resolved in your marriage. In order for the two of you to move forward you need to talk about what is really going on and that is the feelings that lie beneath the anger. Your insecurity seems to be coming from a place of doubt about your husbands fidelity. Do you realize your husband needs to be faithful for himself as much as for you? The message that he is sending himself is horrible- that could be where his anger is coming from.-- Disappointment in himself but it comes across as frustration with you. I hope you will seek good council together. I am so sorry you are hurting. I hear your frustration and your desire to be free from the chains of insecurity and anger. Connie,
Your marriage is in trouble and you need help. The anger and bitterness you are feeling is a message that something needs to change. It seems the past has not been resolved in your marriage. In order for the two of you to move forward you need to talk about what is really going on and that is the feelings that lie beneath the anger. Your insecurity seems to be coming from a place of doubt about your husbands fidelity. Do you realize your husband needs to be faithful for himself as much as for you? The message that he is sending himself is horrible- that could be where his anger is coming from.– Disappointment in himself but it comes across as frustration with you. I hope you will seek good council together. I am so sorry you are hurting. I hear your frustration and your desire to be free from the chains of insecurity and anger.

]]> By: Connie http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-60505 Connie Tue, 26 Jan 2010 02:11:01 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-60505 Hello I need to read this because right now my heart is really hurting and I feel so insecure. I have been married for 10 years and my husband has cheated on me 4 times and I guess I have not really forgiven him because I find myself getting angry at him and throwing each situation up to him. But recently this past Saturday night my husband said to me if he see someone he chooses to have sex with and he wants to he will because he is a grown man. This really hurt me when my husband said this to me. He tells me he loves me but his action speaks different. I have for 10 years try to express to my husband how he hurts me but he always tells me it wasn't about anything with those women but I feel in my spirit he actually had sex with one of those women. Then he had the nerves to tell me if he wasn't married to me he would have made one of the women his girlfriend but he was at the same time trying to get her to have sex with him. Please help me give me some advise I am so tired of being insecure with this man I don't trust him we constantly throw up the past to each other. He tells me I disrepect him I tried to tear down his self esteem when I said to him this girl must have rejected him. But I said to him you are a married man you have no business trying to pursue another relationship. I am so ready to leave this man but I keep telling myself I am trying to do what God wants me to do but do God see all that my husband is doing by cheating on me and continuing to tell me I have a problem. I want to change please tell me how to let go of my insecurity. bitternes, anger, resentment, and frustration towards my husband? Hello I need to read this because right now my heart is really hurting and I feel so insecure. I have been married for 10 years and my husband has cheated on me 4 times and I guess I have not really forgiven him because I find myself getting angry at him and throwing each situation up to him. But recently this past Saturday night my husband said to me if he see someone he chooses to have sex with and he wants to he will because he is a grown man. This really hurt me when my husband said this to me. He tells me he loves me but his action speaks different. I have for 10 years try to express to my husband how he hurts me but he always tells me it wasn’t about anything with those women but I feel in my spirit he actually had sex with one of those women. Then he had the nerves to tell me if he wasn’t married to me he would have made one of the women his girlfriend but he was at the same time trying to get her to have sex with him. Please help me give me some advise I am so tired of being insecure with this man I don’t trust him we constantly throw up the past to each other. He tells me I disrepect him I tried to tear down his self esteem when I said to him this girl must have rejected him. But I said to him you are a married man you have no business trying to pursue another relationship. I am so ready to leave this man but I keep telling myself I am trying to do what God wants me to do but do God see all that my husband is doing by cheating on me and continuing to tell me I have a problem. I want to change please tell me how to let go of my insecurity. bitternes, anger, resentment, and frustration towards my husband?

]]> By: Angela http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-59560 Angela Sun, 17 Jan 2010 15:47:42 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-59560 I have been married for 7 years. My husband, Jeremy, is 8 years younger than I and we married, while in sin. This is my second marriage. I have 2 children by my first husband and another child, Luke, with my husband now. I can't help but know in my heart that it was a mistake from the very beginning. The decisions I made while in sin were not from God. But, I do know that God expects me to repair the damage that has been done. Now, both my husband and I are saved, by the grace of God. I am on fire for God, babtized in the holy spirit and thank my King every day that I have a relationship with Him. My husband, on the other hand, is lacking spiritually and feel that he would not even go to church, if it weren't for me. Over the past year, we have grown apart considerably. We are more different than night and day. He is imature, shallow and un-trustworthy. When I try to talk to him, he just sits and listens but has nothing to say. When I ask him what he thinks, he will just say something like, "I don't know." It's so frustrating. I know that I am to blame, as well, because I have let myself grow away from him and find myself belittling him or criticizing him often, but I'm not sure how to "get it back." There is much more going on than posted, but it would take forever to write it all. There is also problems with my 6 yr. old and my husbands' relationship. I know there is spiritual warfare in my home and am determined to fight it with all that I am. I pray that God will change my husbands heart every day. I also pray that God will change me and make me love unconditionally and give me humbleness. I would like to seek counseling, but do not even know where to begin to look. After reading all these womens posts, my problems seem a bit un-valid. But, when you don't have a relationship with your husband, it's a very valid problem. I want to save what we have now, before we grow apart even more. I'm praying for all of you. Please do the same for me and my family. Angela I have been married for 7 years. My husband, Jeremy, is 8 years younger than I and we married, while in sin.
This is my second marriage. I have 2 children by my first husband and another child, Luke, with my husband now.
I can’t help but know in my heart that it was a mistake from the very beginning. The decisions I made while in sin were not from God. But, I do know that God expects me to repair the damage that has been done.
Now, both my husband and I are saved, by the grace of God. I am on fire for God, babtized in the holy spirit and thank my King every day that I have a relationship with Him.
My husband, on the other hand, is lacking spiritually and feel that he would not even go to church, if it weren’t for me. Over the past year, we have grown apart considerably. We are more different than night and day. He is imature, shallow and un-trustworthy. When I try to talk to him, he just sits and listens but has nothing to say. When I ask him what he thinks, he will just say something like, “I don’t know.” It’s so frustrating. I know that I am to blame, as well, because I have let myself grow away from him and find myself belittling him or criticizing him often, but I’m not sure how to “get it back.” There is much more going on than posted, but it would take forever to write it all. There is also problems with my 6 yr. old and my husbands’ relationship.
I know there is spiritual warfare in my home and am determined to fight it with all that I am. I pray that God will change my husbands heart every day. I also pray that God will change me and make me love unconditionally and give me humbleness.
I would like to seek counseling, but do not even know where to begin to look.
After reading all these womens posts, my problems seem a bit un-valid. But, when you don’t have a relationship with your husband, it’s a very valid problem. I want to save what we have now, before we grow apart even more.
I’m praying for all of you. Please do the same for me and my family.
Angela

]]> By: Angela http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-59558 Angela Sun, 17 Jan 2010 15:23:50 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-59558 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, EXCEPT FOR MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. Matthew 5:32 I would have to say that this means also, anyone who divorces her husband... If you KNOW that there is another woman in the house... Go confirm it. I don't believe that God expects you to stay in a marriage that is full of adultery. I pray for you and God's grace upon your life. But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, EXCEPT FOR MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. Matthew 5:32
I would have to say that this means also, anyone who divorces her husband…
If you KNOW that there is another woman in the house… Go confirm it. I don’t believe that God expects you to stay in a marriage that is full of adultery.
I pray for you and God’s grace upon your life.

]]> By: Amy Smalley http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-59397 Amy Smalley Fri, 15 Jan 2010 13:57:00 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-59397 Jennifer, OMG! What in the world? Girl you need an intensive with Michael. Your husband needs to be spoken to by another man that will speak the truth in love. If you have a small group or a pastor or some one he will be influenced by then call on them. This has got to stop! If what you think somehow isn't true you will still need your feelings around the issue to be validated and a plan to re-establish trust implemented. Jennifer,
OMG! What in the world? Girl you need an intensive with Michael. Your husband needs to be spoken to by another man that will speak the truth in love. If you have a small group or a pastor or some one he will be influenced by then call on them. This has got to stop! If what you think somehow isn’t true you will still need your feelings around the issue to be validated and a plan to re-establish trust implemented.

]]> By: Amy Smalley http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-59396 Amy Smalley Fri, 15 Jan 2010 13:47:22 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-59396 Katrina, Your walls are your protection, keep them up and I believe you feel verbally attacked by your husband. Submitting to him and allowing him to attack you are very different things. I believe you can impact your marriage by learning how to draw boundaries in a humble yet firm way. "When you speak to me that way it hurts me. I'm going to take a break. Do you think we could try to take about this after the kids go to bed?" If he continues. You calmly walk away- do not engage!! Teach him and yourself that it's not about the facts of whatever is going on it's the tone and delivery that is so unsetting. He needs to value you! (as much for you as for him) When he gets into the pattern of treating you this way it feeds on the very hard part of him that is taking him and you over. Don't allow yourself to loose your good nature. How would you treat your two year old that was throwing a fit? It's different I know but the concept of separating the behavior from the person is necessary. You don't have to withdraw your love you can stand up and say, "Honey I love you but you need to take responsibility for your actions. And your tone and anger are driving me away. I want to have an open heart toward you but it's so hurt by the way you respond to me." And then tell him how you feel --- without facts only feels. I feel demeaned. I feel worthless. -- Do not talk about facts. Your feelings are so much more powerful. And if he asks for examples or tries to shift the blame then calmly walk away and say when you are ready to hear my side and try to understand me I'll be ready. I need you to try to understand me first and then I can try to understand you. Katrina,
Your walls are your protection, keep them up and I believe you feel verbally attacked by your husband. Submitting to him and allowing him to attack you are very different things. I believe you can impact your marriage by learning how to draw boundaries in a humble yet firm way. “When you speak to me that way it hurts me. I’m going to take a break. Do you think we could try to take about this after the kids go to bed?” If he continues. You calmly walk away- do not engage!! Teach him and yourself that it’s not about the facts of whatever is going on it’s the tone and delivery that is so unsetting. He needs to value you! (as much for you as for him) When he gets into the pattern of treating you this way it feeds on the very hard part of him that is taking him and you over. Don’t allow yourself to loose your good nature.

How would you treat your two year old that was throwing a fit? It’s different I know but the concept of separating the behavior from the person is necessary. You don’t have to withdraw your love you can stand up and say, “Honey I love you but you need to take responsibility for your actions. And your tone and anger are driving me away. I want to have an open heart toward you but it’s so hurt by the way you respond to me.” And then tell him how you feel — without facts only feels. I feel demeaned. I feel worthless. — Do not talk about facts. Your feelings are so much more powerful. And if he asks for examples or tries to shift the blame then calmly walk away and say when you are ready to hear my side and try to understand me I’ll be ready. I need you to try to understand me first and then I can try to understand you.

]]> By: jennifer http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-59393 jennifer Fri, 15 Jan 2010 13:26:33 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-59393 Good Morning I pray. My husband sneaks a women into our house at night. I hear her sneeze,cough etc. when there is no noise on in the house.She wears my clothes and perfume.She sneaks around the house. I have told my husband I want it to stop and it still continues. He says I cannot prove it.(We stopped sleeping together after I went on a vacation ,came back and found a bunch of clothes under my side of the bed.)This has been going on since my son left for college.One and a half years of lies,deceit and I am bitter, I am angery...I pray and its good for awhile and then we go back to the same old rut. Thanks for this web site. God Bless all of you struggling people. Jennifer Good Morning I pray. My husband sneaks a women into our house at night. I hear her sneeze,cough etc. when there is no noise on in the house.She wears my clothes and perfume.She sneaks around the house. I have told my husband I want it to stop and it still continues. He says I cannot prove it.(We stopped sleeping together after I went on a vacation ,came back and found a bunch of clothes under my side of the bed.)This has been going on since my son left for college.One and a half years of lies,deceit and I am bitter, I am angery…I pray and its good for awhile and then we go back to the same old rut. Thanks for this web site. God Bless all of you struggling people. Jennifer

]]> By: Katrina http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-59296 Katrina Thu, 14 Jan 2010 17:54:11 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-59296 What to do when your husband constantly blames you for all the problems in the marriage, raising the children, constant accusations of lying. I have gone to counseling with & without him. He always says the counselors say I have the problem but I am not hearing that. I hear that we both are to blame. He uses very vulgar language, even in front of my children and my mother. He embarrasses me in front of our friends and so on. I have built a wall that seems impossible to tear down. He is so negative and always says if I would just change than everything would be fine. It's so hard to take the verbal abuse and just be able to continue as though nothing has happened. He does not believe he is doing anything wrong, he says I provoke him and that is how men react. I need to submit to him. Please shed some light on how much I am to submit to him. I believe that I submit to him is if he is projecting a loving spirit, not of anger and in ways that seem to be hurtful not only to myself but others. He says he is not racist but he constantly is making jokes of other races and so forth. Don't know where to turn anymore. I do believe Christ is charge but it is so difficult. What to do when your husband constantly blames you for all the problems in the marriage, raising the children, constant accusations
of lying. I have gone to counseling with & without him. He always
says the counselors say I have the problem but I am not hearing that.
I hear that we both are to blame. He uses very vulgar language,
even in front of my children and my mother. He embarrasses me in
front of our friends and so on. I have built a wall that seems
impossible to tear down. He is so negative and always says if I
would just change than everything would be fine. It’s so hard
to take the verbal abuse and just be able to continue as though
nothing has happened. He does not believe he is doing anything
wrong, he says I provoke him and that is how men react. I need
to submit to him. Please shed some light on how much I am to
submit to him. I believe that I submit to him is if he is projecting
a loving spirit, not of anger and in ways that seem to be hurtful
not only to myself but others. He says he is not racist but he
constantly is making jokes of other races and so forth. Don’t
know where to turn anymore. I do believe Christ is charge but
it is so difficult.

]]> By: Amy Smalley http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-#comment-59020 Amy Smalley Mon, 11 Jan 2010 14:38:49 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-59020 Tracy, I love the insights you made about not taking it personally. Many times anger has nothing to do with the spouse or the kids but the feelings of powerlessness or worthlessness. If you can, softly ask the question "What's really going on right now? What are you frustrated about? Then probe for feelings not belittling comments! If those start stop the conversation- Teach your spouse how to treat you. Give the message- I will listen to your feelings and needs, but I will not tolerate belittlement. Tracy,

I love the insights you made about not taking it personally. Many times anger has nothing to do with the spouse or the kids but the feelings of powerlessness or worthlessness. If you can, softly ask the question “What’s really going on right now? What are you frustrated about? Then probe for feelings not belittling comments! If those start stop the conversation- Teach your spouse how to treat you. Give the message- I will listen to your feelings and needs, but I will not tolerate belittlement.

]]> By: Amy Smalley http://smalley.cc/a-sharp-warning-your-marriage-is-in-trouble-when-bitterness-creeps-in/comment-page-1#comment-59018 Amy Smalley Mon, 11 Jan 2010 14:24:19 +0000 http://www.gosmalley.com/?p=2739#comment-59018 Nickel, I've thought and prayed for you over the last couple of days. I just wrote a post about "A gentle answer turning away wrath... Really?" with you and others in mind. It seems God is putting the 4 women you mentioned in your path for a reason-find it... I think you can deal with the day-to-day struggles if you think with a long term perceptive. You can stand up for yourself in a loving manner- you just might not have figured it out yet.- Living in bitterness isn't fun- I know you see that in yourself now see that in your husband. Sit down and talk about what messages he is being sent in your marriage- Maybe he feels unappreciated (I know you probably have tried in the past to appreciate him but just listen to him and let the words-" I understand how you could feel (that) way" fall from your lips -- then stop... don't say another word. Just let the validation hang out there with no buts, or contradictions. Just be quiet! If he goes off on you with a bunch of facts and reasons why he feels the way he does say, "You don't have to prove to me how you feel. If you feel it then that's enough for me." Feelings aren't wrong- it's what we do with them. Don't allow him to belittle or demean you- if he does then stop the conversation and say something like- "I want to hear your feelings but I can't hear you when I feel attacked. Let's stop right here take a break and come back to this ... when the kids go to bed... or in an hour..." If he shuts down - then let it him. The hardest part is to disengage your anger. I don't want to compare him to a two year old but as a mom I hope you'll understand my point. When I kids throw a fit the more we engage in the "fit" the longer and bigger it gets. It's not about you at that point so don't take it that way. Leave him and hope that he "comes out to play"later and be willing to engage when he has calmed down. That's a start. I hope you can be encouraged that YOU can change your marriage! It's a balance between vulnerability, humility, self-worth, and strength. Find God's wisdom, love and comfort. In His service and yours, Amy Smalley Nickel,

I’ve thought and prayed for you over the last couple of days. I just wrote a post about “A gentle answer turning away wrath… Really?” with you and others in mind. It seems God is putting the 4 women you mentioned in your path for a reason-find it… I think you can deal with the day-to-day struggles if you think with a long term perceptive. You can stand up for yourself in a loving manner- you just might not have figured it out yet.- Living in bitterness isn’t fun- I know you see that in yourself now see that in your husband.

Sit down and talk about what messages he is being sent in your marriage- Maybe he feels unappreciated (I know you probably have tried in the past to appreciate him but just listen to him and let the words-” I understand how you could feel (that) way” fall from your lips — then stop… don’t say another word. Just let the validation hang out there with no buts, or contradictions. Just be quiet! If he goes off on you with a bunch of facts and reasons why he feels the way he does say, “You don’t have to prove to me how you feel. If you feel it then that’s enough for me.” Feelings aren’t wrong- it’s what we do with them. Don’t allow him to belittle or demean you- if he does then stop the conversation and say something like- “I want to hear your feelings but I can’t hear you when I feel attacked. Let’s stop right here take a break and come back to this … when the kids go to bed… or in an hour…” If he shuts down – then let it him. The hardest part is to disengage your anger. I don’t want to compare him to a two year old but as a mom I hope you’ll understand my point. When I kids throw a fit the more we engage in the “fit” the longer and bigger it gets. It’s not about you at that point so don’t take it that way. Leave him and hope that he “comes out to play”later and be willing to engage when he has calmed down.

That’s a start. I hope you can be encouraged that YOU can change your marriage! It’s a balance between vulnerability, humility, self-worth, and strength. Find God’s wisdom, love and comfort.

In His service and yours,

Amy Smalley

]]>