I just started a men’s study at our church, WoodsEdge, titled “About a Girl”. Sixty four guys signed up to take part in the class! I’m not sure if that is so much because they want to love their wives better or if it’s their wives telling them they need to learn how to love better (just kidding). This is going to be a four week series and the first week went really well. I figured it might be fun to include what I’m teaching to the rest of our online community as well.
So thus begins a four part series on how men can better love their wives. I want to encourage everyone reading this that the series is not going to be a male bashing experience. Frankly, I’m tired of men continually getting picked on because we love differently than woman do. It feels at times that the socially acceptable way to love someone is how a woman loves. Men want to love and be loved just as much as women, we just tend to do it differently.
But the reality is that men marry women, so we need to learn how to love a woman better. My dad, brother, and I wrote a book titled “The Men’s Relational Toolbox“. We addressed this in the book, that men need to add certain skills to their relational toolbox in order to love their wives and daughters better. This series is teaching four fundamentally important things that men can do to better love their wives!
The first week we learned how to truly “fix it” with our wives by learning how to better listen. Men often get accused of trying to “fix it” too often by their wives. The good news is that men care enough about their wives to want to fix it, but the bad news is that most men go about fixing it in an ineffective manner. Usually the best course of action is to simply shut our mouths and listen.
James 1:19-21 teaches us, ”Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human angers does not produce the righteousness God desires.So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.”
Listening is important because it’s important to our wives and it reflects a godly character (because we’re being obedient to James 1:19-21). But listening also helps increase our emotional and physical intimacy with our wife. When our wife feels loved and listened to, she will also feel more excited about the physical part of our relationship. Now let me be very clear, we do not listen because we want more sex, we listen because it’s the right way to love our wives better (more sex is just an awesome natural result of a close relationship).
Often times we read verses like the ones in James, and we thing, “That sounds great, but how do I do that practically?” Here’s the answer: you need to LUV your wife if you are going to be a better listener. LUV stands for Listen, Understand, and Validate. LUV is the main tenant to our communication method we teach couples at our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.
Listening is all about body language, eye contact, and intention…yes…whether or not we really want to listen.
Understanding comes when we ask questions of our wives when we feel confused or need further clarification. You want your wife to melt at your words, then just say something like, “Honey, I hear that you want to spend more time together, could you let me know what spending time together would look like to you?” Proverbs 15:23; 28 23 “Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time! The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.”
Validating is saying things like, “Yes, I totally hear what you’re saying. Is there anything you need from me?” Validation is the art of allowing your wife the freedom of her own feelings and needs. Proverbs 13:3, “Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.”
This first week is about LUV, which is one of the most powerful ways you can “fix” anything for your wife. Most wives just want to be heard and validated. All you’ve been missing is how to accomplish this, and now you have some simply ways to listen effectively so you can have the kind of marriage you dreamt about during your engagement!
Gary, as usual you have said the perfect things that a woman need. Love the L.U.V.! Many times we as women make the same mistakes. Our husbands need love, too, just not expressed in the say way. But maybe if we wives will work the L.U.V. to our husbands the way we want them to communicate it to us it can help them see it walked out? Thanks for all you do and have done to help our marriage over these many years!Blessings…Tamara <a href="http://www.reachinghurtingwomen.com” target=”_blank”>www.reachinghurtingwomen.com
Hey Tamara, thanks for the kind words =] It was my post, by my dad always appreciates the love =]
He can pray for them and be devoted to them. There is nothing like a husband's prayers.
devotion
He can pray for them and be devoted to them. There is nothing like a husband's prayers.
devotion
When I told my husband that I needed him to validate my feelings, he told me it wasn't his job!! GGRR!! Marriage couselor told him otherwise but he still doesn't do it! Double GGRR!!
When I told my husband that I needed him to validate my feelings, he told me it wasn’t his job!! GGRR!! Marriage couselor told him otherwise but he still doesn’t do it! Double GGRR!!
I'm to the point that I don't want to say ANYTHING to my husband – he turns it back around to me without even listening – it becomes all about him.
(more sex is just an awesome natural result of a close relationship). It "can" be. I know for a fact that my wife feels very close to me. She says almost weekly "I love being married to you!" She does. But that doesn't ever translate to the bedroom. In fact our weekly date nights, and even special nights, Valentines Day, anniversaries, birthdays are our driest times. I chatted with her, mostly listening, for three hours straight last night on date night. I certainly don't have date night or listen to her to get sex. If I did, I would have given those things up 18 years ago. My wife is all over romance. But for her romance just begets romance. Romance doesn't lead to sex. Its almost like the two are unrelated. It would have been easier and less sexually frustrating to stay single….but that ship sailed long ago.I don't know. Perhaps it does work the way its described in the article for most folks. probably does.
Did you actually find what turns her on?Just wondering…
Sounds like he has either gradges (accumulated?) or some dislikes that he can't express…or doesn't feel comfortable to express (feeling of being misunderstood or mistreated). Maybe I am wrong, of course.
Very good idea about training men in relationship with women!
Very good idea about training men in relationship with women!
During our struggles in the early years of our marriage, the only thought that kept coming into my head was that I didn't fee "cherished"….when I tried to define "cherished", I had to think about it…because to me it was a "feeling" and hard to put into words. I tried to equate it with the way my husband felt about his tools or his car…..he was excited to buy a "special" new tool, took really good care of it….protected it….didn't "toss" it aside…kept it in a special place…would get really angry if someone else didn't take care of it….
Later, I realized that for me, "cherished" meant to be held in high regard…to be listened to, to receive one's full attention AND interaction, to be treated as a treasure that could not be replaced…that my needs and well being MATTERED ENOUGH to my husband that he would try to meet them even if HE didn't think it was important.
After 29 years of working on it, we're in a really good place….we truly "cherish" each other.