Why do people have affairs? I’ve counseled many couples in crisis due to the damaging experience of an affair or infidelity and the victimized spouse almost always wants to know why. Why would he do this to me? Why would she need another man? The questions are painful and filled with hurt, anger, and frustration.
Smart Marriages is an organization founded and directed by Diane Sollee and I get Diane’s newsletter each week (sometimes daily). Peggy Vaughan recently wrote to Diane about the societal factors of infidelity, in other words, a powerful reason why someone might seek out an affair:
Dear Diane,
I just watched Oprah which featured a rare on-camera interview with an Amishcouple (taped prior to the Amish school shooting). The interview revealed that in Amish marriages, there are NO divorces and NO extramarital affairs.
As you know, beginning with the initial publication of “The Monogamy Myth” in 1989, I have advocated looking beyond just the personal failures of individuals or particular marriages to recognize that “societal factors” also play a role in affairs.
The Amish society is quite different from our more general society… which leads their attitudes about marriage to be drastically different as well.
Below are some quotes from the interview that demonstrate this:
Oprah: “What happens if you get tired of each other? What if you say, ‘I don’t want to be married to you anymore?’”
Amish: You go into marriage knowing this is for keeps. There is no divorce. You work on it, you talk about it, you go for counseling if need be.”
Oprah: “Is there any adultery?”
Amish: “No, not that I know of.”
Finally, perhaps the most amazing and inspiring comment of all: “We’re really happy. We have 100% contentment.”
Most of us think everything about the Amish way of life would be impossible, but their lives provide hope that it’s possible to change the larger society’s attitudes about marriage and about extramarital affairs.
Peggy Vaughan
website: http://www.dearpeggy.com
Blog: http://www.dearpeggy.com/blog/
Create an environment in your marriage where divorce is not an option and an affair is not an option and see what happens. If you ever think, “Well, if this doesn’t get any better, then I…” or “I wonder what it would be like to sleep with…” These kinds of thoughts undermine your commitment to the marriage and will have financial, emotional, and spiritual consequences if you continue to think about them.
This is such …… When I traveled in the Arab world, you hear the “party line” that says homosexual activity is forbidden and punishable by death, but a lack of women available to unmarried men means there’s a lot of sub-rosa gay interaction.
Just because one Amish couple insists there’s no infidelity, you buy it? Come on!
Like philosophy- how can you be certain of anything? I love how sure people are of the world. What about the entire concept that infidelity usually involves secrecy? Either we are time traveling or we are living in a time when people consider things that should have been solved centuries ago when people got ate up by fleas!
That doesn't give a reason why a spouse would cheat, it just talks about an interview w/an Amish couple.
That doesn't give a reason why a spouse would cheat, it just talks about an interview w/an Amish couple.