Comments for The official Smalley Programs in | Christian Marriage Counseling | Couples Counseling | Marriage Intensives | Marriage Conferences http://smalley.cc Wed, 16 May 2012 19:54:32 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 Comment on How to win 100% of your arguments 30% of the time! What Jesus said about compassion (Episode 40) by Michael Smalley http://smalley.cc/how-to-win-100-of-your-arguments-30-of-the-time-what-jesus-said-about-compassion#comment-265 Michael Smalley Wed, 16 May 2012 19:54:32 +0000 https://smalley.cc/?p=694#comment-265 I'd never have anyone act like they are not hurt. You are always allowed to share your buttons, feelings like being unwanted, controlled, rejected, etc. But what you have to let go of, and the source of your anxiety and fear, is the reality that you want him to do something specific. When you have expectations of someone that are not being met, but you keep having them anyways, the expectations will wipe you out! What you need are boundaries. A boundary says, "Hey, I deserve to be treated like....so if that is not going to happen, then I am going to have to...." For example, if I ask my wife not to scream at me, and she continues to scream at me, then I might say something like, "Hey, I love you, I really do, but I am not okay with being screamed at like this. So I am going to either ask this to stop, or I will need to take myself out of this room or house so I am not being screamed at." Notice how I didn't threaten divorce, or get nasty. But I did get firm and say that I'm not going to allow myself to be treated in such a manner. Another example might be, "Okay, I've asked for us to go to counseling for a few years. I can see that this does not seem like an option for you. I will not force you into counseling. I would appreciate you coming with me, but that is up to you. I want you to know that I love you, but I really need help with the stuff that is going on in our marriage. So I'm am going to start counseling next week because I need help." It doesn't take two people to save a marriage, it just takes one. If your husband starts coming at you in a way that is going to give you wounds, your job is to say something like, "Please, stop. I'm not okay with what is being said." Remove yourself from the situation long before he has a chance to really hurt you again. Usually, when we take a stand for ourselves, this is the very thing that gets our spouse to start looking at themselves, and then making a change. It doesn't guarantee anything, but it certainly sets up an environment for change. I’d never have anyone act like they are not hurt. You are always allowed to share your buttons, feelings like being unwanted, controlled, rejected, etc. But what you have to let go of, and the source of your anxiety and fear, is the reality that you want him to do something specific. When you have expectations of someone that are not being met, but you keep having them anyways, the expectations will wipe you out!

What you need are boundaries. A boundary says, “Hey, I deserve to be treated like….so if that is not going to happen, then I am going to have to….” For example, if I ask my wife not to scream at me, and she continues to scream at me, then I might say something like, “Hey, I love you, I really do, but I am not okay with being screamed at like this. So I am going to either ask this to stop, or I will need to take myself out of this room or house so I am not being screamed at.” Notice how I didn’t threaten divorce, or get nasty. But I did get firm and say that I’m not going to allow myself to be treated in such a manner.

Another example might be, “Okay, I’ve asked for us to go to counseling for a few years. I can see that this does not seem like an option for you. I will not force you into counseling. I would appreciate you coming with me, but that is up to you. I want you to know that I love you, but I really need help with the stuff that is going on in our marriage. So I’m am going to start counseling next week because I need help.” It doesn’t take two people to save a marriage, it just takes one.

If your husband starts coming at you in a way that is going to give you wounds, your job is to say something like, “Please, stop. I’m not okay with what is being said.” Remove yourself from the situation long before he has a chance to really hurt you again. Usually, when we take a stand for ourselves, this is the very thing that gets our spouse to start looking at themselves, and then making a change. It doesn’t guarantee anything, but it certainly sets up an environment for change.

]]> Comment on How to win 100% of your arguments 30% of the time! What Jesus said about compassion (Episode 40) by Dorenna http://smalley.cc/how-to-win-100-of-your-arguments-30-of-the-time-what-jesus-said-about-compassion#comment-264 Dorenna Wed, 16 May 2012 18:47:03 +0000 https://smalley.cc/?p=694#comment-264 Michael, I certainly understand what your saying, though, I am uncertain how to separate myself from my emotional wounds and continue to love and act like I'm not hurt when my spouse is insensitive and cold. In times before, I lick my wounds and move on just to have the issues go unresolved and repeated. Maybe I'm missing the point. Help! Michael, I certainly understand what your saying, though, I am uncertain how to separate myself from my emotional wounds and continue to love and act like I’m not hurt when my spouse is insensitive and cold. In times before, I lick my wounds and move on just to have the issues go unresolved and repeated. Maybe I’m missing the point. Help!

]]> Comment on Keep the Flame Burning by Michael Smalley http://smalley.cc/keep-the-flame-burning#comment-259 Michael Smalley Sat, 12 May 2012 15:31:07 +0000 http://smalley.cc/?p=735#comment-259 The hardest lesson in life you are learning is that you can not control others. If your spouse is determined to divorce you, it is impossible to stop. You can certainly share that a divorce is something you are not wanting, but if your husband is unwilling to reconcile, you are left to pray and ask God what His will is for you and your actions, spirit, and response. It is miserable when a spouse hurts us, and we can not stop them from continuing to hurt us. Be sure to surround yourself with people who love you, encourage you, support you, and help you keep your eyes focused on Christ. Self-care is one of the things we get into in the DNA of Relationships book and DVD study (<a href="http://store.smalley.cc/DNA-of-Relationships-Softcover_p_91.html" rel="nofollow">http://store.smalley.cc/DNA-of-Relationships-Softcover_p_91.html</a>) (<a href="http://store.smalley.cc/DNA-of-Relationships-DVD-Study_p_93.html" rel="nofollow">http://store.smalley.cc/DNA-of-Relationships-DVD-Study_p_93.html</a>). Jesus teaches us that we can not love others if we do not first love ourselves. It is not a selfish kind of love, but rather we love ourselves because we can not give what we do not have. Do not allow yourself to get wiped out or bulldozed by this behavior. Put up the proper boundaries, and if he walks away from the marriage, you have to allow him to walk away and not blame yourself. The hardest lesson in life you are learning is that you can not control others. If your spouse is determined to divorce you, it is impossible to stop. You can certainly share that a divorce is something you are not wanting, but if your husband is unwilling to reconcile, you are left to pray and ask God what His will is for you and your actions, spirit, and response.

It is miserable when a spouse hurts us, and we can not stop them from continuing to hurt us. Be sure to surround yourself with people who love you, encourage you, support you, and help you keep your eyes focused on Christ. Self-care is one of the things we get into in the DNA of Relationships book and DVD study (http://store.smalley.cc/DNA-of-Relationships-Softcover_p_91.html) (http://store.smalley.cc/DNA-of-Relationships-DVD-Study_p_93.html). Jesus teaches us that we can not love others if we do not first love ourselves. It is not a selfish kind of love, but rather we love ourselves because we can not give what we do not have. Do not allow yourself to get wiped out or bulldozed by this behavior. Put up the proper boundaries, and if he walks away from the marriage, you have to allow him to walk away and not blame yourself.

]]> Comment on Keep the Flame Burning by ss http://smalley.cc/keep-the-flame-burning#comment-258 ss Thu, 10 May 2012 22:44:29 +0000 http://smalley.cc/?p=735#comment-258 What do you do when he moved out a year and three months ago? The day he left he said he didn't want to be married anymore. He has since hired an attorney and so did I. I have asked for a reconciliation, but his response was, "God has put us on different paths, and he prays for me." Just a little history, our 32nd wedding anniversary was in April, our 3 children are grown, when my son joined the military in 2010, my husband felt like he lost control. To understand my husband, you would see he has a textbook Narcistic personality, and is very charming. We attended one of your conferences when you came to town a couple of years ago. What do you do when he moved out a year and three months ago? The day he left he said he didn’t want to be married anymore. He has since hired an attorney and so did I. I have asked for a reconciliation, but his response was, “God has put us on different paths, and he prays for me.” Just a little history, our 32nd wedding anniversary was in April, our 3 children are grown, when my son joined the military in 2010, my husband felt like he lost control. To understand my husband, you would see he has a textbook Narcistic personality, and is very charming. We attended one of your conferences when you came to town a couple of years ago.

]]> Comment on It doesn’t begin in the bedroom by Michael Smalley http://smalley.cc/it-doesnt-begin-in-the-bedroom#comment-257 Michael Smalley Tue, 08 May 2012 21:46:10 +0000 https://smalley.cc/?p=716#comment-257 Words can not express how much I hurt for your situation. First, you need to call the police. It is never acceptable for a husband to kick his wife, child, or anyone for that matter. You can not allow yourself to be treated in such a manner. If you have any family that is supportive of you like a mom, dad, brother, sister, etc...you need to call them and meet them somewhere to get you to safety and your children. Do not confront your husband on your own. Allow the authorities to handle any confrontation. Your job is to get to safety. So please call someone who can help you get to a safe place. With what is described in this comment, there's no need for consideration. Safety is your #1 priority. Words can not express how much I hurt for your situation. First, you need to call the police. It is never acceptable for a husband to kick his wife, child, or anyone for that matter. You can not allow yourself to be treated in such a manner. If you have any family that is supportive of you like a mom, dad, brother, sister, etc…you need to call them and meet them somewhere to get you to safety and your children. Do not confront your husband on your own. Allow the authorities to handle any confrontation. Your job is to get to safety. So please call someone who can help you get to a safe place. With what is described in this comment, there’s no need for consideration. Safety is your #1 priority.

]]> Comment on It doesn’t begin in the bedroom by amy http://smalley.cc/it-doesnt-begin-in-the-bedroom#comment-255 amy Mon, 07 May 2012 23:33:07 +0000 https://smalley.cc/?p=716#comment-255 I have been married a little over 26 1/2 years. For the last 25 years he has been physically and emotionally abusive. I was depressed for many of those years. I finally got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore. I was physically and emotionally in a fight or flight mode several times a day. He would start yelling and cussing and name calling and all of a sudden I would realize my body was one big knot. I told him the abuse had to stop. He has never acknowledged that he is abusive. It was always because of something that I had done or not done. It would have been 2 years this month since he has physically abused me, but 3 weeks ago he kicked me in the backside because he was mad. A few weeks before that he threw something at me. The emotional abuse has never stopped. I have been a stay at home mom for 25 years and was recently put in the position of having to get a job. I was terrified. I was so afraid of not being able to do the job, of making a mistake and being yelled at or being fired. I asked questions because I didn't trust my own judgement and I didn't want to get yelled at. I want out of my marriage. I don't love him anymore. I am here out of commitment only and it is destroying me. I am seriously considering moving out and getting a divorce. I don't know what to do. I have been married a little over 26 1/2 years. For the last 25 years he has been physically and emotionally abusive. I was depressed for many of those years. I finally got to the point where I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was physically and emotionally in a fight or flight mode several times a day. He would start yelling and cussing and name calling and all of a sudden I would realize my body was one big knot. I told him the abuse had to stop. He has never acknowledged that he is abusive. It was always because of something that I had done or not done. It would have been 2 years this month since he has physically abused me, but 3 weeks ago he kicked me in the backside because he was mad. A few weeks before that he threw something at me. The emotional abuse has never stopped. I have been a stay at home mom for 25 years and was recently put in the position of having to get a job. I was terrified. I was so afraid of not being able to do the job, of making a mistake and being yelled at or being fired. I asked questions because I didn’t trust my own judgement and I didn’t want to get yelled at. I want out of my marriage. I don’t love him anymore. I am here out of commitment only and it is destroying me. I am seriously considering moving out and getting a divorce. I don’t know what to do.

]]> Comment on To divorce or not to divorce…that is the question (Episode 41) by Michael Smalley http://smalley.cc/to-divorce-or-not-to-divorce-that-is-the-question-episode-41#comment-254 Michael Smalley Mon, 07 May 2012 21:50:25 +0000 https://smalley.cc/?p=721#comment-254 You can find me at http://facebook.com/michaelandamy. We are not currently in Oklahoma, but our Smalley Centers are growing rapidly! You can find out where they are here: http://smalley.cc/the-smalley-center/smalley-center-locations. It's such a great blessing to learn this stuff and to pass it on to your kids. It is never too young to learn how to love well. My kids have been hearing these lessons since they were born. My hope is that by the time they are married, it is second nature to them on how to resolve conflict. You can find me at http://facebook.com/michaelandamy. We are not currently in Oklahoma, but our Smalley Centers are growing rapidly! You can find out where they are here: http://smalley.cc/the-smalley-center/smalley-center-locations.

It’s such a great blessing to learn this stuff and to pass it on to your kids. It is never too young to learn how to love well. My kids have been hearing these lessons since they were born. My hope is that by the time they are married, it is second nature to them on how to resolve conflict.

]]> Comment on To divorce or not to divorce…that is the question (Episode 41) by Samantha http://smalley.cc/to-divorce-or-not-to-divorce-that-is-the-question-episode-41#comment-252 Samantha Mon, 07 May 2012 17:18:51 +0000 https://smalley.cc/?p=721#comment-252 I cannot find Smalley podcast on Facebook, so I am posting here. First, do you have counselors in Oklahoma? I would like to find someone to teach me one on one so this becomes second nature to me. I would also have to pass it knowledge on to my children but they are still young 3 or 4, and I am not sure how to do that. Second, I love your podcast. I just discovered it and have downloaded them and working my way through them. Thank you for sharing. I cannot find Smalley podcast on Facebook, so I am posting here. First, do you have counselors in Oklahoma? I would like to find someone to teach me one on one so this becomes second nature to me. I would also have to pass it knowledge on to my children but they are still young 3 or 4, and I am not sure how to do that. Second, I love your podcast. I just discovered it and have downloaded them and working my way through them. Thank you for sharing.

]]> Comment on What can you do if someone refuses to change? (Episode 37) by Michael Smalley http://smalley.cc/what-can-you-do-if-someone-refuses-to-change-episode-37#comment-250 Michael Smalley Fri, 04 May 2012 21:33:54 +0000 http://smalley.cc/?p=611#comment-250 First thing, understand that it is not okay to be lashed out at, or to be escalated with. So when your husband begins to go there, you have permission to excuse yourself from the situation. You do not need to be rude, mean, or ugly about it. It would make it worse to blame, criticize or shame him for being angry. But you might say something like, "I'm really needing to take a time-out" or "I honestly don't feel like this conversation is going good....so I need to take a break." You can change it to your language, but the point is that you are allowed to dismiss yourself. You do not stand there and "take it". That only fuels the fire. You also don't want to fuel the anger by escalating back at him or making any kind of threats about leaving or divorcing. When it gets too negative, the less words possible is the best policy. Keep it simple and get yourself out of the situation. That will protect both of you. People are usually defensive when they are feeling blamed or guilty. Sometimes asking him if he is feeling like something you did or said came across as blaming or shaming might help validate him. Validation is always a great way to help someone calm down when they are feeling defensive. "I know you are hurting, and I am so sorry..." Just let him feel whatever it is he is feeling. That doesn't mean you agree with him. It doesn't mean you think he's right, wrong, or anything. It just means that you allow him to be or feel whatever it is in the moment. Instead of telling him, "I don't like being treated this way..." Try wording it, "When I'm lashed out at, I feel rejected or worthless." When you stick to feelings rather than facts, that will help him respond less defensively. Check this page out: https://smalley.cc/the-core-fears-test First thing, understand that it is not okay to be lashed out at, or to be escalated with. So when your husband begins to go there, you have permission to excuse yourself from the situation. You do not need to be rude, mean, or ugly about it. It would make it worse to blame, criticize or shame him for being angry. But you might say something like, “I’m really needing to take a time-out” or “I honestly don’t feel like this conversation is going good….so I need to take a break.” You can change it to your language, but the point is that you are allowed to dismiss yourself. You do not stand there and “take it”. That only fuels the fire. You also don’t want to fuel the anger by escalating back at him or making any kind of threats about leaving or divorcing. When it gets too negative, the less words possible is the best policy. Keep it simple and get yourself out of the situation. That will protect both of you.

People are usually defensive when they are feeling blamed or guilty. Sometimes asking him if he is feeling like something you did or said came across as blaming or shaming might help validate him. Validation is always a great way to help someone calm down when they are feeling defensive. “I know you are hurting, and I am so sorry…” Just let him feel whatever it is he is feeling. That doesn’t mean you agree with him. It doesn’t mean you think he’s right, wrong, or anything. It just means that you allow him to be or feel whatever it is in the moment.

Instead of telling him, “I don’t like being treated this way…” Try wording it, “When I’m lashed out at, I feel rejected or worthless.” When you stick to feelings rather than facts, that will help him respond less defensively. Check this page out: https://smalley.cc/the-core-fears-test

]]> Comment on What can you do if someone refuses to change? (Episode 37) by carol http://smalley.cc/what-can-you-do-if-someone-refuses-to-change-episode-37#comment-249 carol Fri, 04 May 2012 21:13:03 +0000 http://smalley.cc/?p=611#comment-249 Great to listen to, but I have a question for Gary and Michael. What is you do these things. I am often hurt by my husband. He has a problem with anger and often lashes out at me. I have told him I dont' like being treated this way and he gets defensive. How do you handle defensiveness? He has a lot of hurt from his past, was often put down as a child, was married twice and has 6 children (5 are illegitmate). He's not proud of his past and if he could change things I'm sure he would. I have asked him to be gentle and he choses not to be. I dont' know what else I can do. We are looking into an intensive for the summer. thanks. Great to listen to, but I have a question for Gary and Michael. What is you do these things. I am often hurt by my husband. He has a problem with anger and often lashes out at me. I have told him I dont’ like being treated this way and he gets defensive. How do you handle defensiveness? He has a lot of hurt from his past, was often put down as a child, was married twice and has 6 children (5 are illegitmate). He’s not proud of his past and if he could change things I’m sure he would. I have asked him to be gentle and he choses not to be. I dont’ know what else I can do. We are looking into an intensive for the summer. thanks.

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