But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
James 1:19

Dr. Howard Markman and Dr. Scott Stanley have discovered through over 20 years of research that there are four main risk factors that can lead to divorce. In their excellent book, Fighting For Your Marriage, they share that we greatly increase our chances of staying in love and in harmony if we avoid these four negative patterns. Here are the four main patterns that can produce too much anger and possibly lead to divorce:

Four Destructive Relational Patterns

1. Withdrawal. Walking away from an argument without resolving it.
2. Escalation. Emotions increase to name calling, yelling or anger.
3. Invalidation. Not allowing someone to feel like his own needs, feeling, or thoughts are valid.
4. Negative Beliefs. Believing that the other person is intentionally trying to hurt or upset you.

In order to deal with these four patterns and start divorce-proofing your relationship, we encourage mastering one of the greatest communication tools we’ve found. We call this “Drive-Through Talking.” The reason we call this “Drive-Through Talking” is because of what takes place at the drive-through window of any fast-food restaurant. Let us explain!

How To Start “Drive-Through Talking”

The rules for this communication method are simple, but they are very important in keeping the argument honoring. One person agrees to start INSIDE the fast food restaurant (the employee) and the other starts the discussion OUTSIDE in the car by the menu (the customer). The employee says something like, “Welcome to the Smith home, may I take your order?”

The customer can only share his feelings or his needs about the current conflict. Also, the customer can’t bring up anything from the past or start a new argument. We can deal with only one argument at a time. Finally, the customer needs to share small amounts of information at a time. Making large statements or blending two ideas together can cause the employee to forget or miss something important that you said.

The employee’s job is to only repeat what is said by the customer, and isn’t allowed to evaluate anything that is said. For example, have you ever heard McDonalds say after you order a Super-Sized Meal: “Sir, I can see you in my mirror and you look like a rather large individual. Are you sure you want the Big Mac? Do you know how many fat grams it has? May I recommend the McLean.” Absolutely not! You’d drive away furious and maybe never visit again.

The key for “Drive-Through Talking” success is helping your mate to feel safe in order to share his or her current needs and feelings. Safety is extremely important. Safety develops when your mate trusts that your goal is on listening and understanding, not on defending and challenging. This is why when listening to someone share his or her needs or feelings, we do not evaluate, edit or defend ourselves. Instead, we simply listen and repeat. Listen and repeat.

How do we know if “Drive-Through Talking” will really work with our spouse? If you enter into this method with a spirit of honor by listening and repeating, you will provide her with a tremendously safe environment to share her feelings. Sit back and let God do the rest. Remember, the reason that we call this “Drive-Through Talking” is that McDonalds and others have spent millions of dollars testing their ordering methods. Have you ever seen their signs “Over Six Billion Happy & Satisfied Customers.” If they can satisfy that many people, why don’t we use their knowledge to keep our “family customers” happy and satisfied? We can!

The amazing part of this method is how fast anger is resolved. When you have someone who is listening with great concern and they are valuing who you are, the anger seems to drain away. Once each person feels heard, understood and validated, then you can begin to look for solutions to the problem if necessary. You’ll be amazed at how easy some arguments are solved after you both feel understood and valued. We have not left out how to find solutions to your conflicts. Instead, before you think about solving your argument, we want to practice mastering “Drive-Through Talking.”

Summary of “Drive-Through Talking” Rules

McDONALDS’ EMPLOYEE (Listener)

• This person receives the order inside the fast food restaurant.
• When receiving an order, you must only repeat back what you’ve heard. No editing, evaluating, or defending one’s self. You can ask to have the order repeated if you did not understand something. However, this is only for clarity—you don’t have to agree.

CUSTOMER (speaker)

• This person places an order at the drive-through menu/speaker box.
• While placing an order, this person must only share needs or feelings using “I” statements. No bringing up past issues, starting new argument, or make blaming “You” statements (e.g., “You always …”)
• Share small thoughts or information so that the other person can remember in order to repeat it back correctly.

General Rules

• When the customer feels heard and validated then you switch places.
• You are not looking for solutions at this time. Solutions can be dealt with after each person feels heard and validated.
• Agree to take a time-out if withdrawal, escalation, invalidation, or negative beliefs creep into the conversation.
• Above all else, strive to honor one another in all that is said and repeated!