Comments on: Eliminating Defensiveness Eliminates Unhappiness

By: Rhonda Hubbard

Rhonda Hubbard — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 19:44:53 +0000

Hey Michael & Amy, Hope you had a blessed Thanksgiving & thanks for the clarification. What should you do if someone is accusing you of doing something you didn't do, or are otherwise treating you unfairly? How do you "defend" (for lack of a better word) yourself or set boundries to let people know you're not going to put up w/it w/out your behavior, or the tone of the situation from taking on a negative connotation? Thanks!

By: Michael Smalley

Michael Smalley — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:41:57 +0000

I’m not sure why you got the impression from this chapter that we are suggesting to allow people to run over you. Maybe my illustration gave that impression, but it was not mean to. Amy picking on me over the bumper is a minor issue and not worth getting defensive over.

Defensiveness is not sticking up for yourself, it is reacting negatively to circumstances or differences of opinions.

Boundaries are how we stick up for ourselves in relationship. A boundary is telling someone that “I am too valuable to be treated this way.”

But if someone accuses us of hurting them by a word or action, and we respond saying something like, “Well that’s ridiculous! I didn’t mean it like that and you’re being unfair!” That would be defensive. It’s not allowing other people to have their own opinion or feelings.

By: Rhonda Hubbard

Rhonda Hubbard — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 04:58:49 +0000

It sounds to me like your advocating that someone just stand there & let someone pick them apart. Defensiveness is not invalidating the other person. It’s about protecting yourself. I have always spoken on behalf of others having their own opinion whether I agree w/them or not, but I don’t understand why you think everyone should be a doormat. Yes, I believe that we can choose our reactions, but to just stand there & let someone run us down & humiliate us-doesn’t that enable them to keep doing it? Please explain why someone should stand there & let someone pick them apart. Don’t they have a right to protect themselves?

By: Eliminating Defensiveness Eliminates Unhappiness

Eliminating Defensiveness Eliminates Unhappiness — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 22:37:56 +0000

[...] Michael and Amy Smalley: Defensiveness causes unhappiness and a breakdown in communication because it escalates the negative emotions we might be experiencing in a conflict (or potential conflict). [...]