In full disclosure, both my wife and I use Facebook for our personal lives and our ministry along with my dad. Facebook has not proven to hurt or negatively impact our marriage, but I could not resist posting this very interesting study done in the United Kingdom:
Facebook is bad for your marriage according to research carried out by an online divorce service in the United Kingdom. Divorce-Online scanned their divorce petition database for the use of the word “Facebook” and found 989 instances of the word in over 5,000 divorce petitions sampled.
This means that just under 20% of all the petitions filed through the company had references to Facebook within the text of the divorce petitions.
Managing Director Mark Keenan said “I had heard from my staff that there were a lot of people saying they had found out things about their partners on Facebook and I decided to see how prevalent it was I was really surprised to see 20% of all the petitions containing references to Facebook. The most common reason seemed to be people having inappropriate sexual chats with people they were not supposed to”.
Notes to Editors:
About http://www.Divorce-Online.Co.UK
Founded in 1999, Divorce-Online is the UK leader in online divorce services and solutions that help people obtain an uncontested divorce without the need to visit a solicitor. Divorce-Online.Co.UK has helped over 60,000 couples achieve an amicable divorce.
About the research
Research for Divorce-Online was carried out on 20th December 2009 with a sample size of 5,000 divorce petitions.
So why would Facebook be mentioned in 20% of divorce petitions? My guess is that these couples were abusing the use of Facebook in several different ways:
- Their spouse may be developing inappropriate friendships with the opposite sex. Or maybe, they are even reconnecting with old flames via Facebook.
- Their spouse may be simply using Facebook too much. I’ve heard of people using Facebook for over 6 to 8 hours a day! That would be way too excessive. I think getting on Facebook for about 30 minutes in a day is decent, maybe pushing the limit, but certainly not abusive.
- Their spouse is airing out their dirty laundry through status updates. I’ve certainly heard of people hurt by what their spouse put on Facebook as a status update. An inability to communicate properly could tempt someone to handle their conflict through a social media as opposed to with their spouse.
What do you think? Why else might Facebook be hurting marriages, and have you been hurt by Facebook in your own marriage?
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Some of the games that I play on Facebook (i.e. FarmVille, Scrabble) are fun and can take up a lot of my time.
Michael – thanks for posting the story. Too many couples are inflicting unnecessary harm on their marriages through a lack of boundaries, a lack of integrity, and/or a lack of common sense.
This is why Kelli and I have written articles (and a book due out in February 2010) on the topic.
My concern on the story of the “20% of divorces cite Facebook” is because it has been so oft cited, it is on the verge of becoming an urban myth like the “half of all marriages end in divorce” myth. It is important to keep in mind that this stat originates from:
(1) a single law firm/company that specializes in divorces
(2) it is an online divorce company so the type of clientele is different than the mainstream
(3) the UK which holds a lower public opinion on marriage then the States.
Thanks for keeping up with the culture my friend!
jason,
although some of the data seems a little suspicious the overall fact remains. The rules we should follow in maintaining a healthy and long-lasting marriage are blurred more and more by a post-modern culture that sees nothing wrong with “pleaseing self” or “there’s no harm in it” attitude. your statement about the UK’s attitude about divorce is true and our factbook culture along with other influences continue to make the problem worse…not better.
Tools like Facebook have many qualities. Unfortunately, man has fallen into a trap laid by the evil one to misuse a powerful communication tool.
Jerry Sinclair, Marriage Missionary…to those who have abused the internet & other s*xual sin
We use face book, I have it on my Ipod, and am a great fan of it.. just like with anything else, excess is damaging to any relationship you have, could be spouse, work, kids, and even ministry.. The same can be said for many things such as a persons hobby, overworking,these can be taxing and taking a toll. It is best to balance out what you love to do, with who you love.. include them instead of excluding them…
Great words Ben, and I totally agree. Anything can be taken out of balance or abused. They key is making your spouse and kids the priority in life!
There is a tendency for people to be “friends” with anybody who requests it, and there are people who are trying to make romantic connections, or just plain be inappropriate, so you need to be careful about who you select to be your friends. If someone is befriending you on facebook that you don’t know and is being flirtatious in their comments, I think it best to not accept that person as a friend. Also, so many people come out of the woodwork including old flames, girlfriends/boyfriends, that it can awaken an unhealthy curiosity about someone that you would otherwise not think about. My husband and I have both male and female friends on facebook, but we have to trust that those relationships that we are maintaining are within healthy boundaries.
Evie, I could not have said it better myself.
I originally got on MySpace and Facebook to keep an eye on my kids. To my disappointment, I found out my wife was having an emotional affair with a co-worker young enough to be one of our children. I saw the signs and investigated further. MySpace played a HUGE role in my wife’s downfall. I am thankful that the Lord allowed me to catch this before it became sexual, which is exactly where it was headed. Just so you know, before that, I considered my wife to be the most spiritually strong and knowledgeable person I knew! Her knowledge of scripture is phenomenal. I would have put her up against any minister any day, including Billy Graham. She/we have even counseled other couples in marriage counseling and been successful in saving others’ marriages. I never imagined mine would be one in peril. If I had ever thought that either one of us would have fallen in that area, I would have said me…never my wife of 26 years. But it happened. I have BEGGED her for both of us to get off MS and FB and a counselor agreed. But she won’t do it. She makes excuses as to why “I” need to stay on. I even deleted my FB account once hoping she would do the same. When it became evident she would not, I had no choice but to open mine back up to keep an eye on her. We now have an agreement that we will not accept a friend request from the opposite sex unless that person becomes BOTH of our friends. I enjoy FB and have become addicted to playing Texas HoldEm, in a fun way only. But I would give it all up in a heartbeat if I could convince my wife to do the same.
What happened to all the old postings? Since this has been reposted, all the old comments are no longer accessible. I would like to review them. Where are they concerning the facebook/marriage article?
I honestly have no idea what happened….we will try to figure it out. Thanks for the heads up.
What happened to all the old postings? Since this has been reposted, all the old comments are no longer accessible. I would like to review them. Where are they concerning the facebook/marriage article?
I honestly have no idea what happened….we will try to figure it out. Thanks for the heads up.
A search on opposite sex friendships brought this post to my attention among a few others.
I have found this to be very true. Facebook has been a very devisive tool used by the enemy in my marriage.
Granted, it is always a spouses choice. But most certainly, it is an awful distraction for someone who is already hurting in their lives. Keeps them from the appropriate relationships they should be maintaining. Their relationship with God, with the spouse, and with their children.
In the end, it would seem they will end up severly regretting their losses…at which point in many cases it will be too late.
My wife continues to maintain many oppoosite sex friendships through her Facebook page. Many of them I do not approve of. Yet in spite of this, she continues on. In her own admission it is a stubborness against me that she does it.
Sad.
Recently, as my wife refuses to seek counsel or help to deal with many of her emotional issues (and I have been at her insistence) I have reached the point of considering leaving her. However, the children, for now, keep me attached. I do not know how much longer I can weather the storm.
My wife of 17 months had an emotional sexual relationship with a old high school boyfriend on FaceBook. Yes, we were going through some difficulties, however, this just made everything more difficult to repair. I saw the entire conversation they had and it was shocking how it started so innocently and quickly morphed into sending photos and commenting on past sexual escapades to a desire to meet and rekindle what was done over 20 years ago. The other man even commented that if his wife and kids or me ever saw what was being written that they both would be in big trouble. He later requested to my wife that they move the conversation to his private e-mail so that no one would find out. When I confronted my wife, she said then and still feels now that nothing happened and that it was all done jokingly. Yeah, right. Facebook is extremely dangerous! Husbands and wives beware!