Touch has the power to instantly calm, reassure, transfer courage, and stabilize a situation beginning to spin out of control. With touch, we push back the threatening shadows of anger, bitterness, loneliness, and insecurity. Romantic touching and hugging can convey peace and comfort, as well as love. To the degree that we employ it with our mate, we remove the emotional threats that block intimacy.

Men nurture a forever marriage by finding out how their wives like to be touched, how often, when, and where.

Meaningful touching outside the bedroom can create sparks in a marriage, and meaningful communication can fan the flames. Most women report that they need to feel emotionally connected to enjoy physical intimacy. They need to feel loved and cherished. They need displays of physical affection, but not necessarily the sex act itself. Men, however, are motivated by the sexual act. They need sexual intimacy and state that physical affection and feeling cherished aren’t always necessary for them to feel sexually satisfied. However, men still need affection and cherishing in the overall relationship.

These are the four elements of marital intimacy:

1. Unconditional security, a lifetime commitment to care for someone.
2. Meaningful communication, daily sharing your feelings, needs, hopes, and dreams (and being a good listener when the other person speaks).
3. Romantic experiences, setting your schedule to include intimate times together rather than letting the pressures of life set your schedule for you.
4. Intimate touch, since 8 to 10 loving touches a day keep the marriage counselor away!

When used correctly, the differences in the way men and women respond to sex can complement each other. When not taken into consideration, these differences will tear apart the very fabric of your mutual fulfillment. Decide to stop waiting for things to get better. Only the two of you working together toward love will make the intimate difference. Acquire and practice new attitudes and skills that lead to fulfilling relationships.

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“Love grows. Lust wastes by Enjoyment, and the Reason is, that one springs from a Union of Souls, and the other from a Union of Sense.”
William Penn

A question from one of our listeners, “Dr. Smalley, Please share with me how the Lord gave you victory over lustful thoughts, especially sexual thoughts. In Jesus’ name.”

1 Peter 2:11 NLT “Dear friends, I warn you as “temporary residents and foreigners” to keep away from worldly desires that wage war against your very souls.”

TED Talks – Philip Zimbardo: The demise of guys (http://www.ted.com/talks/zimchallenge.html)

The difference between Porn addiction and all other addictions!

1. The difference between our conscience mind and our heart
2. What’s in our heart, flows
Galatians 5:13-14
“For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.14 For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
3. Change our heart through excited new thoughts, which overshadow the old ones

Gary’s favorite verse to memorize and meditate on!
John 15:9-14
“I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. 10 When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. 11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! 12 This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. 13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.14 You are my friends if you do what I command.

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Norma: One way I’ve tried to build security in our marriage is that I’ve consciously and deliberately never used the words hate or divorce or leave with Gary, even in our most heated “discussions.” I’ll admit I thought the words on a number of occasions in years gone by. But I’ve seen the devastation done to individuals – men and women as well as children – and families by separation and divorce, and I never want any part of that. Even more, when I vowed on our wedding day to love and remain faithful to Gary, I was making that promise to God. I was making it to Gary as well, but I was especially making it to God, and I take that very seriously.

Gary: Another thing that has helped to build security in our relationship is that we pray together about anything in our family or ministry that looks challenging. There’s a great sense of peace and oneness that comes from going to God together and placing a difficult matter in His hands.

We also know that when we’re both seeking His will for a particular concern, we’re on the right track to finding a good answer, because self-centeredness and ego have been taken out of play. We both want what’s best for each other, for our marriage, for our family, or whatever the case may be.

Norma: It’s nice to get flowers and to go out for fancy dinners. Those kinds of things do develop the feelings of romance that are so enjoyable, and I certainly like it when they’re a part of our relationship. I’ve learned, however, that as nice as the feelings of romance are, they’re no substitute for the security of a rock-solid commitment. Knowing that your love and your marriage will truly last “till death do us part” is the greatest feeling of all! During hard times, when I don’t feel love toward Gary, I always remember that feelings change so many times during the day because situations change—but my decision to love him was a commitment for life.

Gary: Intimacy does not start in the bedroom; it has its fulfillment in the bedroom. Romantic expressions shared throughout your days can keep the sense of warmth and desire alive even when difficult times arise. The small things, good or bad, often are the ones that shape your relationship in the long term.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – 96% OF OUR FORMER COUPLES WOULD RECOMMEND OUR PROGRAM TO YOU IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDED HELP! SMALLEY CENTER OR CALL US AT 800-975-8748 THAT’S 800-975-8748.

7 Ways to Defuse a Difficult Encounter

Having learned the hard way, Vancouver physician (and PT blogger) Susan Biali offers concrete steps for dealing with unreasonable person.
(http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life)

1. Minimize time with problem people.
 [I always say “short and simple”]
2. Give up the dream that they will one day be the person you wish them to be. There are people in our lives who have moments when they seem to be the parent/partner/spouse/friend/whatever we’ve always wanted. Yet they end up disappointing or hurting us. Accepting the person as is can be a remarkable relief.
3. Avoid topics that get you into trouble. Before any interaction with a difficult person, mentally review the topics that invite attack and make an effort to avoid them. If your in-laws always demean your choice of career, change the topic immediately if they ask how your work is going.
4. Don’t try to get them to see your point of view. Don’t try to explain yourself or get them to empathize with you.They won’t. And you’ll just feel worse for trying.

The problem with difficult people, for me, is that they don’t want to change. Please pay attention to #1!

I was speaking to a group of youth pastors….when out on a date with your spouse, how do you tell someone who’s called you and has an emergency that you can’t come and help them? Don’t answer the phone!

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In today’s show you will….

• To divorce or not to divorce….that is the question on today’s show where you will learn
• What a new form of couples therapy is all about called “Discernment Counseling” started by Bill Doherty, from the University of Minnesota.
• And the signs of whether you should call it quits or if you should hang in there!

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CLIP FROM RICKY BOBBY

Why that clip? Because the first priority of today’s show is to make sure that everyone listening fully understands how stupid divorce is. Now don’t feel ashamed if you’ve already been divorced, but you actually know what I’m talking about!

Discernment Counseling is…

1. Makes a couple decide what they are doing in counseling
2. Puts them on a track right from the beginning

This is what I do in intensives, so I like it, but the research is still out.

So when should you call it quits?

Physical or emotional abuse. (listen to the show on what defines emotional abuse)

When should you hang in there?

• Poor communication or conflict resolution
• That’s it! There’s not a million other reasons!

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Many men don’t realize it, but more than 80 percent of a woman’s need for meaningful touch is nonsexual. Sex does not begin in the bedroom. It actually starts in the everyday acts of truthfulness, consistency, kindness, touching, and talking that build a growing desire in a woman.

No one can long ignore considerate, loving actions. Make your mate feel special and you increase his or her desire to do the same for you.

Genuine love doesn’t necessarily spring from feelings. Its basis is primarily a concern for the welfare of another. Although the feelings of affection will follow, genuine love is initially an action directed toward fulfilling an- other person’s needs. Persistent love—like the dripping of water on a rock can wear away a person’s resistance. It’s nearly impossible to stay angry with or emotionally distant from someone who unconditionally loves and values you.

So many men and women treat each other as objects to be used. They may not verbalize it, but they maintain an inward conviction that their mate should do things that have never been discussed. This is like steadily pouring acid on intimacy. From time to time, my wife and I get together on a date, for breakfast out or just a retreat from home. During that time, we list our personal goals and com- mit ourselves to helping each other fulfill those desires. I feel so satisfied knowing that my wife is committed enough to sacrifice for my goals and that I have the same commitment toward her.

True happiness comes by reaching out to others with a desire for them to feel love from us.

One way intimacy is blocked is when lives are filled with unhealthy behavior, poor health choices or sexual addictions that affect our daily conduct. To change those habits and addictions, we should first recognize our mistakes and admit when we’re at fault. Second, we must keep an attitude of wanting to improve. Third, we should share our feelings and needs with our mate and seek his or her understanding and support.

Keeping your written relationship menu posted in a prominent household location provides a continual reminder of which values and rules you’re working toward. It generally takes about 30 days to start a new habit. So if you’re regularly working on attaining your goals, it will only take a month before you notice significant changes in your relationship.

4 ways of building intimacy:

1. Stop waiting for things to get better —make a decision to work on them.
2. Acquire and practice new attitudes and skills that lead to fulfilling relation- ships.
3. Commit to changing your own be- haviors first, without expecting your partner to change his or hers.
4. Support each other in your efforts so that neither of you feels alone or inferior.

• Understand what Jesus taught about compassion and what that matters to your relationship.
• Finally understand why Jesus probably didn’t really care about slapping so much, as he did about your attitude toward the people who irritate you the most!
• The easiest way to win an argument

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Mark Opperman, a pastor, once said this “We must be more concerned with showing the generous love of God than with receiving proper treatment from others.”

Teaches about Revenge (this is really about compassion)
Matthew 5:38-42 NLT 38 “You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’39 But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also.40 If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too.41 If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile,t carry it two miles. 42 Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow.

Point #1 – Be who you want others to be! Show it, and stop expecting it.

Point #2 – If they don’t respond, get over it. They eventually will unless you somehow managed to marry pure evil.

Point #3 – The easiest way to win an argument, think about what you are wanting, and then give that to them.

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A how-to book for men that seeks to clarify distinctions between the sexes with a view toward building a stronger marital relationship with this understanding.

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When you go to a restaurant, you request items off a menu. The same principle can be applied to a relationship. Request what you want from your mate for example, a daily hug, help around the house, or appreciation for a job well done. Decide what’s most important in your marriage, and put those things in writing. One menu item I suggest you include is an agreement that during an argument, you’ll both list all the positive and negative aspects of the issue at hand. Seeing both sides can bring about a quicker resolution and also the unity you both desire.

It’s crucial that we develop healthy relationships. Doctors have found that tension from a poor marriage or friendship can actually cause illness and shorten a person’s life! Not only that, but our children also gain or suffer from the model we provide them every day. One of the keys in any healthy relationship is a willingness to say, “I’m more interested in understanding what you’re saying than in thinking of what I’m going to say once you’re done talking.”

A husband and wife need to establish a routine pattern of meaningful communication—times of sharing feelings, hopes, dreams, and fears. “Weather report” comments like “How’s it going?” “How was the traffic today?” and other safe questions aren’t enough. Every day, spouses need to add the water of well spoken words to keep their relationship strong and healthy.

In a nurturing and healthy relationship, you perceive that your ideas and insights are valuable, and you learn how to negoti- ate and listen to the other person’s views. You hear things like “What did you say?” “You always know the right thing to say,” or “Let’s talk about this.”

In a healthy relationship, not only are you encouraged to feel, but you’re also sensitive to others’ feelings. You perceive that how you feel is valuable and that you’re safe when sharing your feelings. You might hear things like “How do you feel about this?” “It’s okay to feel like that,” or “What can I do to make you feel better?”

When you honor your spouse above yourself, you develop close- knit feelings of belonging. In this atmosphere, you spend a great deal of quality time together. You might hear things like “Let’s spend some time together,” “What can I do to become closer to you?” or “What can I do to make you feel closer to me?”

When you and your spouse agree to live in oneness, you’re con- sequently willing to spend more time listening and discussing in order to resolve important issues and so build intimacy. When-
ever a husband and wife agree on the main areas of their lives, they become bonded together and achieve a unique strength. Two people united are much stronger than one.

Frequent praise builds strength. The simplest way to make your spouse feel good is to say, “Well done!”

One way to cherish our mates is to help them become fulfilled as people. We can do this by discovering their personal goals and looking for ways to help them reach those objectives. We all love knowing someone is pulling for us. We should discuss our roles in marriage and what areas we need encouragement with. We should choose areas based on genuine love and not on expectations that have never been discussed.