This post is about helping you let go of complaints about your spouse. So let it all out! But remember to keep these ideas private from your mate, because ultimately, the biggest thing you can do to impact your marriage is worry more about your issues than your spouse’s issues.
About Michael Smalley
"Some of my favorite resources are our latest book A Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage, Don't Date Naked (for young adults).140 Responses to “If you could change one thing about your spouse, what would it be?”
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April 26, 2010
[...] week we had a huge response on what you would want to change in your spouse. This week we are focusing on you! What would be that one big thing you would want to change in [...]
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I know my husband does not listen when I talk to him about important matters. Unless these matters are important to him. I think more and more; after 13 years of marriage, he is tuning me out. This makes me feel that what is important to me is not important to him. I am mostly talking about appointments for the children, events involving the children. When something is important to him or pertains to him, he seems to have an excellent memory. For example, my daughter had an eye doctor appointment at 8:15 a.m. My husband works nights. I asked him yesterday, will you be home by 7:45 a.m. to watch our son. He said, "yes". This morning came, 8:00 a.m. He still was not home. I called him on his cell phone. His comment was that I should use my head, how could he possible be home by 7:45 a.m. He would be home at 8:15 a.m. I ended up taking my son along, we were late, but luckily the doctor saw us. Later, he would not admit he was wrong, or say that he was sorry. Finally, I got him to say, "If I said 7:45 a.m. than I am sorry." Everyone makes mistakes, I told him that I was not mad about him being late. I was angry because he refused to simply say, " I am sorry, I was wrong." He was not really listening, he had already tuned me out.
I totally understand how you feel but maybe in a different way. After 25 years of marriage I just found out that my husband has feelings for another woman. He says that he is sorry and wants to make our marriage work but I too feel sick to my stomach over this whole thing! We just celebrated 25 years of marriage . I thought he loved me. I thought I was special to him. I knew things were not perfect but not so bad as to warrant an emotional affair!!! Pornography to me is similiar because it too is like an affair. My husbands was an emotional affair and yours is physical. It makes you feel devalued. It makes your relationship feel undermined . It can ruin that close, intimate ,affectionate bond that you have with that person. I am a christian and I understand that whole forgiveness thing but I do think that in a marriage God understands the kind of hurt that a spouse feels when they have been so deeply ,especially this kind. Isn't is supposed to be that the two shall become one? I hope that you can heal and trust him again but he may start to feel that he should be concerned about trusting you?
The one thing I would change at this moment about my husband is: I would love to be able to share our interests…we seem to have nothing in common..it's very hard trying to find topics to talk about. I love to talk about God and he likes to talk about politics..I want to please God in EVERY area of my life, and he chooses to pick and choose..Help!! what to do!
The one thing I would change at this moment about my husband is: I would love to be able to share our interests…we seem to have nothing in common..it’s very hard trying to find topics to talk about. I love to talk about God and he likes to talk about politics..I want to please God in EVERY area of my life, and he chooses to pick and choose..Help!! what to do!
I would want him to be honest and dependable. When he says he will do something he would do it. Also, communicate more
A simple piece of advice that worked for me: I set up a separate checking account and we agreed on an amount of money to go into it every month. From that amount I took care of our home and the kids. My husband paid the bills that were important to him (mortage, utility bills, etc.) and it was obvious to him how much money he had to play with.
It lifted a heavy weight in my life and created a little more harmony. But perhaps most importantly, there was a little more equality.
I agree. Our sex life could stand some improvements, too.
I just wish my husband would be more affectionate. Hug me, kiss, me hold my hand, just touching. I need to feel his touch more. He is a good man, but has never been affectionate. Our sex life could stand improvement, too. I know he works hard & comes home tired, but he still needs to put more effort into 'us'.
You need to start romancing her…. any woman loves to be romanced…. listen past the hurt she is expressing and meet her needs….. you know what makes her happy, because that is what you have been withholding from her! Give her what she needs not what you are willing to give her…… come to her humbly and really listen….
You are a wise man!….. keep at it, you are on the very right track!!!
I am in the same situation with my husband and his daughter. He has asked me to treat her as my own, discipline her as my own, teach her responsibilities, teach her rights from wrongs. I now know that was not a fair request on his part. Blood is thick and I am not in that mix. When I try to do any type of discipline, even the slightest reminder such as saying "yes ma'am"or "no ma'am" I am given the angry silent treatment as if I've done the wrong. It has caused a great deal of hardship in our marriage. I have read "The Smart Stepfamily" and "Step Coupling" but when he agreed to read the books and watch the DVD's but hasn't put forth the effort yet, some of the solutions they suggest can't be put into place so it all stays the same. I think he feels that all of the problems revolve around me. He has a lack of discipline because he feels guilty about the situation his daughter was put in to when they divorced. However, she loves this situation…she sometimes has 5 Christmas' and at least 2 Birthday parties every year !!!! What 10 year old wouldn't love that !
I wish he knew how much his on-line activity was hurting me and pushing me away – telling him isn't helping.
i wished my husband would stop acting
grazy and would not need someone
to boost his ego
because mostly this are the wron people
his stupid family!
Wives that want to be touched without it always being about sex…. I have a true way to solve the issue. My wife does this, it works. As a man we usually think "Oh she is touching me I better "get some" while getting some is good". We can, (once we get older then say 20) only have sex so many times and only so many times in a week. We think we would like sex as often as you would allow. This is wrong on our part. You set you mind to touch us daily in a "sexual" nature, then be available and eventually we(the guys) are gonna be the ones saying, "babe, I'm tired tonight". Your response could be "no problem sweetheart, I just like touching you". Thus begins the retraining of our sexual expectations. Keep it up, you'll soon see we "settle down a lot" when touched and learn to enjoy the act of touch, without it always jumping to sex. Now, knowing that I can enjoy sex with my wife nearly any day, It's not such a "worry". I can relax, knowing that she is so available. I hope I'm making my point here correctly. Touch him a lot more, tire him initially with "too much sex", then relax into knowing touch or sexual touch does not always mean taking it all the way. It's a great place to be. Peace in Christ
My husband is very very affectionate, but it's to the point I feel like I'm being smothered! Sometimes literally. Most of the time our apartment is a wreck because when he's home he just wants to lay in bed ALL THE TIME with me and I can't get anything done. Nothing gets done. He's also very irresponsible. Today he used the debit card after I had specifically told him we have only 2 dollars and he bought something he could have waited for very easily. And he's got the only job he's ever kept more than a year (2 now), but he ignores me when I encourage him to be ontime to work. He's late almost everyday and he's already been warned. He claims he wants to do the things I like doing, but everytime I bring something up there's some reason he can't or he makes me feel like he thinks it's not fun or stupid. To be honest I'd say on a scale of 1-10 my marriage is about a 1! I'm miserable most of the time. We've been to counseling and marriage seminars and talked to couples one on one and nothing helps. We pray together and have Bible Studies, but life is miserable for me and I'm at a loss of what to do.
My wife is a wonderful woman, loving, caring, compassionate. But since you asked the question, what is one thing I would change about her is this, that she would be a better house keeper. Better yet, that she would simply do anything about keeping house. There, I said it, now it's out in the open and off of my chest.
my husband and i have been married for about 3 year snow and have a beautiful little baby girl. We found out i was pregnant about 6 weeks after we were married ( i was 4 weeks along ! ) and it has been a wild ride ever since. I love my family, but i don't call them and give them a play by play of my day or tell them how my dr's appointments etc. go.. I'm kind of a private person. My husband on the other hand is a BIG momma's boy. he is the only child and super super close with his parents. in fact, they live just a few houses down from ours. This is a second marriage for both of us. his parents cll us when we get home late at night or if they dont see the lights on they'll call wanting to know where we're at. they go to the same church we do, his parents ride along with him when he goes on a day trip out of town for work….. and then he turns around and makes comments about other guys needing to cut the cord with their mommies !!!!! I think if he would step back and see himself he'd realize that maybe he needs to cut the cord too instead of just stretching it. I just want the man that i dated back, because i honestly don't know if i love the man that i have now the way i should as a wife. I do love him but i think it's like a friend. I don't want to end up divorcing because i want more for my daughter, but we can't keep going like we are. i'm miserable all the time, and i am begining to think we've made a horrible mistake by getting married. please help.
After many years of marriage, I love my husband so much, but there are some things that are repeatedly painful for me, and have kept our relationship from being all it could be ( distancing himself form me, and pornography being among them), I think everything could be dealt with, if he would A) Truly trust and open up to God and develop a relationship with Jesus. and b) Open up to me, share his inner self, and allow me to be a real partner and helpmate to him.
This is to much…Me and my husband we being together for 11yrs. theres something that i will change about him, he love to watch porn a 70% of the time that we are going to make love. At first i used to get mad at him, but now i just dont care.I let him watch that because i just find out that he was unfaithfull to me and i think it was because i didnt let him watch that. I feel like he needs to watch that just to be with me. And its not that i dont look ok, because i take good care of me, I take care of me like the first time we met. So… take care of my hair, i dress nice for him even in the house,even dow if were not going out. I really dont know what to do, maybe its me, hes not interest in me anymore. I dont know what to do…Please help before this come to an end…
I would like him to look within himself and to the Holy Spirit, to see how God would like to shape him, and just submit. I am learning Godly submission to him and the Lord and I think that it would be nicer if my husband could do the same.
My prayer is that my husband will come to have a personal relationship with Christ. Right now he attends church for about one hour a week and thinks that is it for the week. He does not udnerstand the need to be accountable to other Godly men and has no desire or care in the world to be in a couple BIble study to get close to other christians and to become friends with anyone other that the people he works with at a Federal prison that donot have any Godly goals or principles. It is destroying our marriage and he will notleave the church he has attended since birth even though the Holy spirit is lacking and worship is void. The bible is taught but only to a degree. He had never heard of "Born Again" until he met me and just does not understand that there is a real difference in how a true christian is to live. The issue that contributes to this is that his parents live literally 150 ft from our house and attend the same church…forever and the church is across the street from our house. I see that it is a convenient way to attend but there is no commitment to Christ and how He wants us to be as a married couple, only about how he has lived his entire life. He is living a learned behavior and not a true fellowship with Christ.
If I could change one thing? That would be if my covenant husband will come to the realization that he is in adultery and that his soul will perish if he does not repent and leave the adulterous woman he is with.
sounds like you and me are in the same boat and it sucks. God answers prayer is all I can tell ya
my husband stays out all night. unacceptable
The one thing I would change is that he would fall in love with the Lord
Nothing is ever good enough…but he never wants to do anything to improve the quailty of our life. He is mean and has no sympathy for anyone. I try to change my the color of my hair and buy different dresses to get him to want me again . He always tells me he wishes i looked like I did when he first met me and it breaks my heart a little more each time. I never thought in a million years it would end up this way and that marriage would be this hard. It's a never ending battle and I'm tired but he is my best friend and I still love him.
I wish my husband paid as much attention to me as strangers did..he doesn’t have sex with me often enough and is not affectionate enough.. He knew when I met him how much I needed sex alot and to be touched and told nice things but men always tell you they have the same thing in common with you in the beginning but that changes.. I realize we’ve been married for 10 Years and I’m not new and exciting because of this but why not make it new sometimes.. I’m the only one who initiates everything !!!!!
Thanks bro for writing this very informative article.
His insecurities that keep him needing validation to feel significance.
This blocks any opportunity for him to provide a safe environment for me to be able to speak of my needs or goals or, him to be available to be my team mate and playmate.
But honestly, it’s not my job to make a person feel secure…that is his responsibility. Just not really sure how to explain this to him without him getting more insecure. UGH.