What’s acceptable to keep from your spouse? I get this question a lot in my marriage consulting work. People do things that they know will hurt their spouse and they don’t want to tell them, so they ask, “Why do I have to say anything? Can’t I just keep this between us and go on living my life? Wouldn’t it just make things worse?”
First, you should ask these questions before you do something potentially hurtful! Secondly, it’s going to hurt no matter what. If the offense is big enough, it’s going to hurt worse if you don’t come out with it. Just because you don’t say anything doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t feel that something is wrong or something has happened; they just can’t put their finger on it and it will drive them mad. Also, the truth always, ALWAYS, comes out. So you might think you’re smarter than everyone else, but reality is that your spouse will find out and be even more hurt because you tried to keep it from him (or her).
The following is a list of things you have to tell your spouse no matter what the consequences:
- If an affair has occurred (kissing, hugging, sex, or even emotional [for example, you're hanging out too much with someone and you're thinking about things you shouldn't be thinking about]).
- If something has happened to one of your children (abuse of some sort).
- If something has happened to you that is abusive sexually or physically by someone else.
The basic idea is that BIG things can happen in your life, and those big things should not be hidden from your mate. It would cause too great of a divide between you and your marriage would suffer.
Michael,
Very well said. I look at this way…the secret is not the deal killer but keeping a secret can be a deal killer. I have to remind me that I work with, telling the truth will not destroy your marriage, but sin that you are hiding can destroy the marriage. Don't blame the truth telling for the pain. Every wife that is associated with our ministry says, "the lies and lack of truth telling is what bothers me the most and the hardest to overcome."
One final thought…if our spouse is our best friend, soul mate, parent to our children, always there for us, claims the live every day for us, etc. why would we not want them to help us through a painful time? Not that we want to hurt them, but, if we have a problem listed above and even if I am to blame, would it be wise to take it to our close friend and confidant'?
my husban has bin online with dateing sites and talking to women he has been emailing them talking dirty and exchanging pic but he tries to play like he is not doing anything wrong. he hides under fake names,and emails.thinking that im in the dark about it all.when i know eveything he does. will ask him if he has found someone to talk to yet but he says no
I am haveing a hard time with dealing with secrets also. I know my wife has something in the past she keeps hidden. She told me one time that someday she will tell me and than another time she tells me there is nothing she is hiding. She went to a counselor several years ago and when we were in marriage counseling and I mentioned it she got upset and did not want him to contact the other counselor.
The Christian counselor we went to told us it was Ok to keep secrets and that our walk with God was our own and not any of our spouses concern.. We stopped going after that as he was doing more harm than good. I love my wife but at times really struggle with not having someone I feel I can open up to and share with and also to help encourage me in my walk with God. There are times I just wish God permitted divorce because it hurts so bad even though I really love her.
I am not one who holds the past against people, and just feel confused and hurt.
my wife and i recently separated for about 4 months there were multiple men she became involved with over that period of time. we are now working on our marriage and are living together again. i understand that things happen in life and we were separated but now she refuses to be open and honest with me about her life. she is hiding her emails when i walk into the room and refuses to tell me why. i fell she is still holding onto some of these men or they are just refusing to leave her alone. in either case i wish she would just talk to me about what is going on here or, should i just deal with it and get over her having secrets. i am unsure of the right path. all i know is secrets are hurting me and i am thinking about not pursuing the relationship any farther. Life is to short.
What about financial secrets?