This video was very insightful and gave me a point of view I have not seen before. I am having troubles in my 12yr relationship and just don't know what to do. I will use the advice given in this video and put it to work. I pray constantly to our God to help guide us through this battle and hope for a positive resolve soon.

Guy this is gonna hurt, and hurt hard and deep, you can't control or own her. In !st Cor. 7:10-16 Paul instructs us that if one chooses to leave, (while they should stay, in Christ) let them! And you not under any of the restrictions of the marriage at that point. You can't save her, that is between her and Christ. The Holy Spirit will convict her, but she has the choice to respond or not. The more you insist she stays, the harder her heart becomes toward you and the marriage. From your description of your home life, she has chosen to end it and leave. While this is against scripture, you will end up destroying yourself and your own personal relationship w/God if you can't give it to God and let her leave. This hurts, I KNOW, and I do love you as a brother in Christ, but you need to know that God will give you back more than you have right now if you let go. Don't know what that would be, but Christ does love you very much. I have been thru this myself and I nearly went over the edge. I lost a lot more than I needed to by hanging on so tight and perversely. Pray to God, Know that He is God and He has your life in His hands if you will give this to him. It sounds like you are gonna lose her, and she has made up her mind. In a different way, maybe God is releasing you from some shackles that are dragging you down and under, very destructive. look this over very carefully, pray, give it to God, but let go. If she walks away, you will be so much the "better" and more able to breathe in the Holy Spirit. By the way, did you know that the spirit means breath, not just ghost. Get alone with Him, "Be still and know that I am.....: BUT LET GO for your own sanity and live in peace. Love and Blessings.

This is a cop out response...an easy way out so the husband doesn't have to deal with how he has hurt his wife. Read the response from Chola (he says, I've been there and I feel for you). A man who has destroyed his wife's love for him, needs to do what is on Chola's list, taken from the book "Love and Respect" That's what a REAL man would do.

I've been there and I feel for you.

I can't promise this will work for you, but it did for me.

1)pray your heart out. Ask God to reveal to you your shortcomings as her husband. This is hard to do because it hurts our pride.

2)APOLOGIZE for those things, no matter how insignificant they may seem to you. If they hurt her, they are significant.

3) Be loving to her, ESPECIALLY when she is being disrespectful to you. She will be FLOORED and it will soften her heart.

4) Find ways to be close and connect with her. Help her prepare a meal or sit in the kitchen and talk to her as she prepares a meal. Be affectionate without sexual intentions, hug her when she is upset. Go out of your way to do nice things for her.

5) Ask her to talk about her day/feelings and LISTEN to her without trying to fix it. Maybe go on a walk. If you normally do not open up, share personal things and feelings with her. I don't know why, but women need that to strengthen bonds.

6) Let her vent frustration and hurt without you getting angry or closing her off.

7) Don't correct her in front of the kids (if you have them), don't look lustfully at other women, include her in social gatherings when others may leave spouses home, tell the kids "Don't speak to your mom that way", keep commitments, call to let her know your plans, speak positively of her and the kids.

8)Show her high esteem. Tell her you are proud of a specific way she handles something, speak highly of her in front of others, encourage and praise her, NOTICE SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT HER HAIR OR CLOTHES, be physically affectionate with her in public, teach kids to show her respect, choose family outings over guy things, make her feel first in importance.

9) Start keeping a journal for her that you write in EVERY DAY. Jot down at least 5 things you are thankful for about her, ways she made you proud that day, things you like about her, fond memories you have of her, the qualities you love about her, things you admire about her, etc.

10) Do these regardless of how she is treating, loving or respecting you. ESPECIALLY do them if she is being hurtful to you. This is how you demonstrate God's love and forgiveness to your wife. It will hurt your pride at first, but you will be rewarded. It may take some time.. but a woman cannot resist falling in love (or back in love) with a man who treats her in this way.

(These suggestions are mostly from Dr. Eggerichs' book "Love & Respect")

There are a lot of responses to this that are aired in frustration, which is really upsetting. Treat each other with respect please! That is pleasing to the Lord. Anyhow, I understand the feelings expressed in this letter. I also have been told nearly the same thing by my husband who is currently deployed to Iraq. We have had some rough spots in our 6 years of marriage, who hasn't, and we also have three children under the age of 4. He says he does not love me and is in the process of filing for divorce. I did everything we all do when our spouse announces such a thing-we panic and try to do everything in our power to "win" them back.
I thought my marriage was going well, we all need improvement, but we were tackling some issues and moving along (so I thought). My husband has heaped all the blame on me (it takes two to tango, so I know I contributed) and I have spent a lot of time blaming myself for it all. That also is a lie from the pit of hell!! I asked the Lord to reveal to me what I have done wrong in my marriage, and how I have wronged my husband. 3 whole pages AND COUNTING of what the Lord is revealing to me. We all make bad choices in our marriages, and it is our responsibility to take responsibility for our actions, words and thoughts, confess them to our spouse, and ask for forgiveness. Michael is right-work on youself, I am working on me, and I feel better despite my circumstances BECAUSE I am relying on the Lord. Love IS a choice and for anyone who does not believe it I pray the Lord will reveal what HIS definition of love is.

@JJ- Love is also self sacrificing. You expect love to be a feeling, yet staying in your marriage because you have a good husband and kids is what love does. John 15:13-Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. Sounds to me like you are sacrificing your own feelings for your family. I know (from experience) that the Lord will answer prayer when it comes to love. Ask God to fill you with the feeling of love, and you will realize that those "feelings" are just the icing on the cake to the determination you already have.

Michael is very right, God HATES divorce (Malachi 2:15-16). No one will find peace and happiness by breaking a covenant made with God. I believe God's desire is that my husband and I reconcile, but until my husband chooses to set his eyes on Christ I do not see that happening. Divorce directly contradicts the Word, and even in the instance of adultery it is better to forgive and reconcile than destroy GOD's institution of marriage. I will do whatever God wants me to do, and I will earnestly seek Him as well as seek the counsel of others (like Michael Smalley) to help me on this rough road. My desire is that my husband would turn back to Christ (the way of divorce is not the road toward Christ) and return to us.

I hope and pray for all of us, good marriage or a marriage under serious spiritual attack, that we will seek GOD's will and not our own and believe He knows best!!!

I am in the same situation as the above stated comment. I made a huge mistake during my marriage to a wonderful man, was led astray and we seperated a year and a half ago. Two months ago I returned to my Lord and have totally changed my life around. Since seeking God, I understand that he does not want my husband and I to divorce, but to go through the painful but necessary steps to lead us to reconciliation. However, he has moved on with another and as of yesterday, I was served with divorce papers. Nothing prepared me for the crying of my heart....knowing this goes against what God wants for this family (we also have two beautiful children together). I am praying to God everyday that He will do His will, and in my heart I know that's for my husband to come to Christ, this is the only way he will find forgiveness and be able to move forward with me, in the Lord. I have given up control of my own life, that only leads to destruction and hurt, I have surrendered to God and know that the outcome will be for His glory.

Many blessings, I will pray for all of us who are fighting this battle.

In response to Mark. I know you posted long ago, and I sincerely pray that you and your wife have worked things out. I do not believe that God condones divorce unless your spouse has "cheated" on you. I was always taught in church that the only reason God justifies for divorce is adultry. I do believe you "choose" to Love, just as you "choose" to hate. I belioeve that being "in love" with someone is a feeling though, and a fleetin gone at that. We all know that the "in love" feeling you have when you first meet and get married doesn'e sustain forever, you fall into a normal love. That being said, you will not always love what a person does or says, you may feel like someone else would be better for you and you may have that initial "they hung the moon" feeling. Realize that once you have been with someone for a long time, you will love them differently than the lust love you first feel. That DOES NOT mean you do not lkove the person. Mark, what you can ask your wife is this: imagine your lofe without mew in it, do you see yourself happy and if so, do you think that you will always be happy and never have bad days, if so, that is an unrealistic expectation of "love".
As God so eloquently says "Love is patient, love is kind", loves isn't always what we see in movies a realistic love has ups and downs, and strong people stick with it, and in the end are rewarded.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we have three wonderful kids. We are both Christians but during this 10 years I made two big mistakes and last year my wife was deploy and she told me that when she came back she was leaving me. My life since that point had been upside down. Everybody tells me to trust the Lord and I do. I am about to deploy in two weeks and she wants to get divorce and there is another person involve. I have been looking for support on Rejoice Marriage Ministries sites and it had help me some. But the closer I get to leave to my deployment the more scare that I won't have a family when I come back. I love my wife with all my heart, but if she file for divorce should I sign the papers? I ask because I know that God hates divorce, and I also know that infidelity is ground for divorce on the Bible, but nowhere in the Bible it says that because I committed adultery that we have to get divorce. I need some advice and lots of prayer. I really don't want to lose her which it seems like I already did.

I am praying. I can't thank you both for sacrificing everything even the state of your marriage to serve this country.

God has brought my marriage back from the brink of divorce twice. There was big time infidelity involved once.

There is hope and it is possible. My advice to to start researching as much as you can. Yeah it's time consuming and not your favorite thing.. but your marriage is worth it. Read books from Smalley and others like him. Do NOT ask others in your personal life for advice, but rather seek that kind of counseling from a minister or other trustworthy source such as in Smalley's books. Devote your time to figuring out where you went wrong and your energy to doing things right. Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be open to you.

I am very confused by, and disagree with Michael's statement that "Love is a Choice"....I think that you either love someone or you don't....the choice is whether you choose to stay with that person or not. I have struggled for 17 years with the fact that I chose to marry my husband not because I was 'in love' with him, but because I knew he would be a good husband and Father. I 'chose' to marry him and I 'choose' to remain committed to him and to our marriage. Unfortunately I don't think I have ever fallen, or been 'in love' with him. I beleive that love is a FEELING, not a choice. And if that feeling is gone or was never there in the first place there are many times when lonliness sets in because the other spouse cannot fulfill the 'emptiness' from not being in love. This is such a difficult situation. This is when many people will stray from the marriage. It is very difficult to stay in an unfulfilling relationship. That is when CHOICE comes into play. Not a day has gone by in my marriage that I haven't wondered if I married the wrong man because I was/am not IN love with him. I do love him and respect him, but just never really fell in love with him. I often wonder how it would be to be with someone that I felt a deep love and desire for. However, now that I have made the commitment (and have children), I will choose to stay married because I know that is God's desire.

Love IS a choice. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" That's His ultimate choice to love us when we were unlovable.

In my opinion, you are describing the feeling of being in love. I will concede that this may not be a choice. A close relative of a friend of mine passed away recently. This relative was a hard, bitter, sour old man. Very hard to love. But my friend chose to serve him and take him to his dr. appointments and even moved him into his home to help better care for him. This old man didn't become sweet. He was sour till the day he died. My friend didn't enjoy his company. Didn't enjoy talking to him. Doesn't miss him much at all. But he loved him and showed him love.

I'm not saying love in marriage SHOULD be like this. I'm just confirming that love IS a choice. I think you can choose to be In Love. Can you choose to FEEL "In Love". I don't know. I've heard that given enough time, DOING love and acting out love can help make you feel love. I think this is true for some, but its not guaranteed.

The greatest commandment in the bible is to Love God and then your neighbor. How does that command make any sense if love is the feeling of love?

God: "Love your neighbor."
Me: "But they're jerks! I don't like them"
God: "Do it"
Me: "Do Love?"
God "Yes. Be loving. Show Love."

That being said. I get it. Who doesn't want to be "In Love" with their spouse? Who doesn't want that feeling of romantic love? It would be very difficult and very sad to live with a spouse that you weren't "in love" with. I'm sorry you are in that situation.

Blessings to you sister.

LS

In my opinion Michael Smalley was very soft in his response to this question. Posters are making many non-objective assumptions here, such as:

-That the 'husband' did something wrong and shares responsibility for the 'wife' falling out of love (it is just as possible that he has been an exemplary husband)
-That the 'husband' is pointing fingers (he's simply asking a question)
-That the 'husband' shows no remorse for his failings (haven't established that he had failings. He's just asking a question, not having a public counseling session. Again, he's just asking a question)
-That the counseling with the pastor was bad (it may have been excellent)
-That the pastor had no training (many pastors are trained counselors, and even licensed professionals)
-That the pastor was male (could have been female)
-That no others were present during the counseling (not uncommon for a second person to be present, particularly when someone of the opposite sex is being counseled - the other person will be the same gender as the counselee)
-That the pastor was accusatory/berating/possibly abusive/non-sympathetic to the 'wife'/ganged up on the 'wife' with the husband (no evidence to support this assumption)
-That the husband was not leading the family spiritually as called (being a good family spiritual leader does not guarantee good followers. Look at the example of Hosea and Gomer)
-That the 'husband' is passive/aggressive (no foundation for this assumption)
-That the 'wife' was correct in that she didn't need counseling (whether or not she needs or feels that she needs counseling, she certainly could use some counseling to sort out her feelings, thing through her situation, and make a plan of action)
-That the 'husband' has equal blame (we are talking about the 'wife's' feelings... one can not be blamed for another's feelings)
-That the 'husband' is anti-change (just asking the question suggests that he is willing to change and he also stated that he is making efforts to make the marriage work which suggests he is open to change)
-That the 'husband' does not acknowledge what he's been doing or not doing (neither does the 'wife', but again, this is a question being asked, not a public counseling session)
-That the 'husband' is hiding a lot (completely erroneous assumption)
-That maybe there wasn't really a marriage to begin with (totally left field comment/assumption)

Marriages, relationships, life can not be based on feelings. To do so would create total and absolute chaos. Feelings change, waver, ebb and flow. They are not stable, not dependable. A marriage is based on a vow, a covenant before God... a commitment. This is what sustains us until the unstable feelings pass and morph, moving into another phase.

Conflict is a 2 way street. You can't change the other person but you can own up to and be responsible for your part in it. The wife is being wrong too, but God doesn't tell us to point fingers. He tells us to look within ourselves. The wife's behavior will likely change when she is demonstrated Christ's selfless love by her husband.

It requires a ton of humility and self-sacrifice. It is very arrogant for a person to believe they have been exemplary and done nothing at all wrong. No one is a perfect husband or wife. To feel entitled to a perfect spouse instead of being a perfect spouse is selfish and goes against the very character of Christ himself.

This husband is a finger pointer. He only talks about how the wife this and the wife that... I don't see any remorse for failings on his part or admitting he wants to try harder to love her like he promised in the beginning.
It says she went to one counselling session and after that decided she didn't need counselling.
She went once - to a pastor. I've yet to hear of many pastors being trained well enough who actually help marriages. My guess is the counselling session went like your podcast here - two men against a woman except to tell the guy to do better and then blame it on her by saying her soul is in trouble. Scuse me? If he'd been the man he was called to be in leading that family spiritually I don't think it would be like this now.
Besides if you get a finger pointer passive aggressive type you get an all smiles I'm a great guy kind of lingo and he's only looking for at least equal blame if not all on the wife - and very anti-change. Life is worse with counselling imho with that type and maybe it's more emotional abuse than you think. Why isn't that guy acknowledging what he's been doing or not doing? He's hiding a lot.
Maybe there wasn't really a marriage to start with.

Michael, Just to be clear... My wife has not been told by God to leave me. I am not interested in debating that discussion as I have problems of my own. My wife is my best friend of 29 years who has decided that she is unhappy with me because of how she feels she has been treated over the last many years and is on the verge of leaving me. She feels that she has fallen out of love with me because of her perceived neglect of her needs by me. Her feelings and concerns are all real, and valid and I am hoping that your organization, maybe the MRI program, can help us to get back to a solid happy marriage. She is my world and I feel horrible that I have screwed things up the way I have without realizing it..... Mark

micheal i do have a place in mind that you and your wife can go it is the hideawy it is in texas my wife and i went back last aug of 09 and they gave us some good tools to work on when we got home
it is a great place you can find it on the webb its 4 days of intence theypi it cost 3500 hundred dollars for 4 days the place is thehidewayexperience, but so you know i gave it my best when we got back home but she told me she did not want to work on the marraige at all so its hurts.

Michael - By the way. I do appreciate your response and your honesty, although maybe not how it is presented. I also appreciate the response from Longlove. I have hurt my wife through inattentiveness through the last several years and caused her much unhappiness. I am guilty of losing sight of my priorities as we trudged through life with children and the other normal activities, including jobs, bills, taxes, home repairs etc... I became so wrapped up in making those things happen that I failed to take care of the person that was/is most important to me. I am not ever guilty of not loving her but I have done a poor job of showing her that over the last many years and have hurt her and consequently our marriage. My first exposure to your organization is your dad's book "If he only knew" which m wife purchased for me several years ago and I read at the time but sadly did not appreciate the importance of. I have read it 4 times in the last 6 months and I get it now. I have now purchased a couple of your other books. I like your dad's philosophy and hope to build on that maybe through the MRI program. Thanks

What's funny is how much more confrontational I am on a video than sitting face to face with someone. I do get very upset about those kinds of comments, but I can assure you that it is more important to me that I love people no matter what and treat them with respect and honor. That certainly may not come across on the video, but my heart is to meet people where they are and care for them regardless of how they treat me or others.

Here's the deal, and this is important, when someone takes the position that God is telling them to do something that is completely contrary to biblical truth, it needs to be confronted by someone. We can not be passive in that.

On another note, during an intensive, if a spouse has presented with this kind of problem (i.e. the question that I answered), the key is getting the spouse to share her buttons that have been pushed. The reality is that your wife is feeling something that she is not expressing very well. For example, she may be saying, "I've fallen out of love with you." But what she is really meaning is something more like, "I'm feeling rejected, disconnected, controlled, ignored, worthless, devalued, etc." That is what you want to ask your wife in response to a statement like "I've fallen out of love with you." This is what we do so well in intensives. We help people get to the heart of the problem and to get off the surface level discussions.

You would want to ask something like, "I hear that you have really lost all feelings for me. Can you help me understand why?" We have a list of hot buttons that you can download for free here: http://gosmalley.com/help-your-marriage/special...

Simply hand your wife the sheet and ask her, "Which of these words best describe how I've made you feel over the years?" This question will help her focus her energy on the real problem, which is feeling any of the buttons on the list she is looking at. At this point you can now discuss what's really wrong in the relationship as opposed to talking about issues or facts.

I was disappointed in Michael's response to the Falling out of love question... I thought he was way harsh toward a lady who has feelings that she doesn't understand. She obviously is not a trained counselor and needs help not abuse. Michael makes comments like she is stupid for feeling the way she does. My wife believes she has fallen out of love with me as well. I love her and hope that we can get through this but I would not expose her to being called stupid by Michael Smalley for real feelings that she has and does not understand. We are looking for help not abuse. I have been impressed with Gary Smalley but my first exposure to Michael is not a favorable one based on that video response to an exact issue that my wife and I have and need help addressing....

well i'm going threw the same thing my wife said she falling out of love she says that god real put it back to her one day we all know that god did not remove it from in the first place she does have a hard heart she had me kick out of the house over a year ago she has file for the divorce but she wrote finnily it so i don't want the divorce so she going to have to do it i'm not but her church has told her no divorce so where does that leave me nowhere

I "fell out of love" with my husband too at one point. You know why? It was my own dumb fault. I put unattainably high expectations on him, became hyper critical of everything he did and became envious of other people's relationships and husbands.

A funny thing happened. When I (emphasis on I) changed my attitude.. dropped my expectations, made a point to tell him EVERY DAY the ways I was grateful for him, noticing his positives and ignoring his negatives.. I fell in love with him! Not only that, but he responded by not only meeting my incredibly high expectations I previously set.. he continuously goes over and beyond them.

Love, like attitude is a CHOICE. It's a choice to overlook the bad, stop focusing on other's shortcomings and work on your own. It is a hard concept to grasp until you experience it yourself.

If God says something, TRUST it and DO it. He will bless you beyond your wildest imagination!

Love it! What a powerful way to minister to people through your own transparency! Thank you.

It truly makes me sad that you received me harshly in this answer. My heart is for people to experience joy and happiness in their relationships, and yet, it seems as though we continue to take less, and less responsibility for our hearts and actions. To tell is a spouse that "I've fallen out of love with you" is one of the most ridiculous and hurtful statements someone can make. What does that even mean and who's to say that she won't continue falling out of love with her future spouses?

As my father wrote many years ago, love is a decision. It is not a feeling or a convenience, it is a choice. Even when things are not going my wife, I must choose love. I know very well that a spouse make this kind of statement is obviously very hurt and troubled over the marriage. But it does not make things better to bail out on the marriage.

The best thing you can do if you are suffering through the same kind of hurtful words is to try and ignore the statement and focus on how your spouse is feeling. If you can work on your own stuff, and truly try to become a better spouse, then you will never lose. We can not control what our spouse does, but we can decide to respond lovingly to our spouse's actions or words.

You are clearly hurting and the good news is that you can do something about it. If your spouse asks for space, then give her space, if she asks you to back off, then back off. The best thing you can do right now is to work on you. Don't get caught up in your spouse's hurtful words, but try and seek understanding of what is behind the words.

Michael, My point is that you may be right about the choices to love and the fact that telling a spouse that you have fallen out of love is hurtful but you can't put people down for their feelings and even misunderstandings due to their inexperience and their pain. You have been through this many times in your business and have an understanding of interactions based on experience. Those of us out here living life don't have that experience and look to experts like you for help. We need explanations. We don't need to be told that we are immature or stupid. My wife is an intelligent, wonderful human being (the most wonderful,caring human being that I know) and she certainly does not "take less responsibility for her heart and actions". She does not take the feeling that she has fallen out of love with me lightly. To her that is a real feeling. So I would expect/hope/pray that you could help her (us) understand how you have come to the conclusion that love is a decision/choice, not to tell her that her feelings are "ridiculous". To her they are real feelings. I am hoping to convince her to come to the MRI program that you all have but don't see how I can expose her to you if you are just going to tell her that her feelings are ridiculous. They are not ridiculous. They may be incorrect based on your expertise and I would hope that your MRI would help us understand those realities as they relate to our personal feelings without you beating her up in the process. I choose love.... Mark

Hi Mark, maybe because you're going thru an emotional time that's why you view Michael's response as harsh. I feel Michael was very very objective. God told her to end the marriage?! I actually find it hard to believe God that. Michael talked to both the husband and wife and did quite a good job. If you'll take time to listen to the clip again, maybe you'll see it from another perspective. I sincerely pray from my heart that God will heal your marriage and turn things around.