Michael, Just to be clear... My wife has not been told by God to leave me. I am not interested in debating that discussion as I have problems of my own. My wife is my best friend of 29 years who has decided that she is unhappy with me because of how she feels she has been treated over the last many years and is on the verge of leaving me. She feels that she has fallen out of love with me because of her perceived neglect of her needs by me. Her feelings and concerns are all real, and valid and I am hoping that your organization, maybe the MRI program, can help us to get back to a solid happy marriage. She is my world and I feel horrible that I have screwed things up the way I have without realizing it..... Mark

micheal i do have a place in mind that you and your wife can go it is the hideawy it is in texas my wife and i went back last aug of 09 and they gave us some good tools to work on when we got home
it is a great place you can find it on the webb its 4 days of intence theypi it cost 3500 hundred dollars for 4 days the place is thehidewayexperience, but so you know i gave it my best when we got back home but she told me she did not want to work on the marraige at all so its hurts.

Michael - By the way. I do appreciate your response and your honesty, although maybe not how it is presented. I also appreciate the response from Longlove. I have hurt my wife through inattentiveness through the last several years and caused her much unhappiness. I am guilty of losing sight of my priorities as we trudged through life with children and the other normal activities, including jobs, bills, taxes, home repairs etc... I became so wrapped up in making those things happen that I failed to take care of the person that was/is most important to me. I am not ever guilty of not loving her but I have done a poor job of showing her that over the last many years and have hurt her and consequently our marriage. My first exposure to your organization is your dad's book "If he only knew" which m wife purchased for me several years ago and I read at the time but sadly did not appreciate the importance of. I have read it 4 times in the last 6 months and I get it now. I have now purchased a couple of your other books. I like your dad's philosophy and hope to build on that maybe through the MRI program. Thanks

What's funny is how much more confrontational I am on a video than sitting face to face with someone. I do get very upset about those kinds of comments, but I can assure you that it is more important to me that I love people no matter what and treat them with respect and honor. That certainly may not come across on the video, but my heart is to meet people where they are and care for them regardless of how they treat me or others.

Here's the deal, and this is important, when someone takes the position that God is telling them to do something that is completely contrary to biblical truth, it needs to be confronted by someone. We can not be passive in that.

On another note, during an intensive, if a spouse has presented with this kind of problem (i.e. the question that I answered), the key is getting the spouse to share her buttons that have been pushed. The reality is that your wife is feeling something that she is not expressing very well. For example, she may be saying, "I've fallen out of love with you." But what she is really meaning is something more like, "I'm feeling rejected, disconnected, controlled, ignored, worthless, devalued, etc." That is what you want to ask your wife in response to a statement like "I've fallen out of love with you." This is what we do so well in intensives. We help people get to the heart of the problem and to get off the surface level discussions.

You would want to ask something like, "I hear that you have really lost all feelings for me. Can you help me understand why?" We have a list of hot buttons that you can download for free here: http://gosmalley.com/help-your-marriage/special...

Simply hand your wife the sheet and ask her, "Which of these words best describe how I've made you feel over the years?" This question will help her focus her energy on the real problem, which is feeling any of the buttons on the list she is looking at. At this point you can now discuss what's really wrong in the relationship as opposed to talking about issues or facts.

I was disappointed in Michael's response to the Falling out of love question... I thought he was way harsh toward a lady who has feelings that she doesn't understand. She obviously is not a trained counselor and needs help not abuse. Michael makes comments like she is stupid for feeling the way she does. My wife believes she has fallen out of love with me as well. I love her and hope that we can get through this but I would not expose her to being called stupid by Michael Smalley for real feelings that she has and does not understand. We are looking for help not abuse. I have been impressed with Gary Smalley but my first exposure to Michael is not a favorable one based on that video response to an exact issue that my wife and I have and need help addressing....

well i'm going threw the same thing my wife said she falling out of love she says that god real put it back to her one day we all know that god did not remove it from in the first place she does have a hard heart she had me kick out of the house over a year ago she has file for the divorce but she wrote finnily it so i don't want the divorce so she going to have to do it i'm not but her church has told her no divorce so where does that leave me nowhere

It truly makes me sad that you received me harshly in this answer. My heart is for people to experience joy and happiness in their relationships, and yet, it seems as though we continue to take less, and less responsibility for our hearts and actions. To tell is a spouse that "I've fallen out of love with you" is one of the most ridiculous and hurtful statements someone can make. What does that even mean and who's to say that she won't continue falling out of love with her future spouses?

As my father wrote many years ago, love is a decision. It is not a feeling or a convenience, it is a choice. Even when things are not going my wife, I must choose love. I know very well that a spouse make this kind of statement is obviously very hurt and troubled over the marriage. But it does not make things better to bail out on the marriage.

The best thing you can do if you are suffering through the same kind of hurtful words is to try and ignore the statement and focus on how your spouse is feeling. If you can work on your own stuff, and truly try to become a better spouse, then you will never lose. We can not control what our spouse does, but we can decide to respond lovingly to our spouse's actions or words.

You are clearly hurting and the good news is that you can do something about it. If your spouse asks for space, then give her space, if she asks you to back off, then back off. The best thing you can do right now is to work on you. Don't get caught up in your spouse's hurtful words, but try and seek understanding of what is behind the words.

Michael, My point is that you may be right about the choices to love and the fact that telling a spouse that you have fallen out of love is hurtful but you can't put people down for their feelings and even misunderstandings due to their inexperience and their pain. You have been through this many times in your business and have an understanding of interactions based on experience. Those of us out here living life don't have that experience and look to experts like you for help. We need explanations. We don't need to be told that we are immature or stupid. My wife is an intelligent, wonderful human being (the most wonderful,caring human being that I know) and she certainly does not "take less responsibility for her heart and actions". She does not take the feeling that she has fallen out of love with me lightly. To her that is a real feeling. So I would expect/hope/pray that you could help her (us) understand how you have come to the conclusion that love is a decision/choice, not to tell her that her feelings are "ridiculous". To her they are real feelings. I am hoping to convince her to come to the MRI program that you all have but don't see how I can expose her to you if you are just going to tell her that her feelings are ridiculous. They are not ridiculous. They may be incorrect based on your expertise and I would hope that your MRI would help us understand those realities as they relate to our personal feelings without you beating her up in the process. I choose love.... Mark

Hi Mark, maybe because you're going thru an emotional time that's why you view Michael's response as harsh. I feel Michael was very very objective. God told her to end the marriage?! I actually find it hard to believe God that. Michael talked to both the husband and wife and did quite a good job. If you'll take time to listen to the clip again, maybe you'll see it from another perspective. I sincerely pray from my heart that God will heal your marriage and turn things around.