Here's the deal, and this is important, when someone takes the position that God is telling them to do something that is completely contrary to biblical truth, it needs to be confronted by someone. We can not be passive in that.

On another note, during an intensive, if a spouse has presented with this kind of problem (i.e. the question that I answered), the key is getting the spouse to share her buttons that have been pushed. The reality is that your wife is feeling something that she is not expressing very well. For example, she may be saying, “I've fallen out of love with you.” But what she is really meaning is something more like, “I'm feeling rejected, disconnected, controlled, ignored, worthless, devalued, etc.” That is what you want to ask your wife in response to a statement like “I've fallen out of love with you.” This is what we do so well in intensives. We help people get to the heart of the problem and to get off the surface level discussions.

You would want to ask something like, “I hear that you have really lost all feelings for me. Can you help me understand why?” We have a list of hot buttons that you can download for free here: http://gosmalley.com/help-your-marriage/special...

Simply hand your wife the sheet and ask her, “Which of these words best describe how I've made you feel over the years?” This question will help her focus her energy on the real problem, which is feeling any of the buttons on the list she is looking at. At this point you can now discuss what's really wrong in the relationship as opposed to talking about issues or facts.

As my father wrote many years ago, love is a decision. It is not a feeling or a convenience, it is a choice. Even when things are not going my wife, I must choose love. I know very well that a spouse make this kind of statement is obviously very hurt and troubled over the marriage. But it does not make things better to bail out on the marriage.

The best thing you can do if you are suffering through the same kind of hurtful words is to try and ignore the statement and focus on how your spouse is feeling. If you can work on your own stuff, and truly try to become a better spouse, then you will never lose. We can not control what our spouse does, but we can decide to respond lovingly to our spouse's actions or words.

You are clearly hurting and the good news is that you can do something about it. If your spouse asks for space, then give her space, if she asks you to back off, then back off. The best thing you can do right now is to work on you. Don't get caught up in your spouse's hurtful words, but try and seek understanding of what is behind the words.

What men seem to forget is that if they start a new relationship they are just changing the scenery; but taking their problems with them & sooner or later they will crop back up again.

You mentioned video games; I like them them a lot also.
It is a way to escape yes but its also a way to get a sense of achievement and this is important to men.
I remember when I was out of a job I played my favorite game more & more because I couldn’t control my real circumstances but could control / conquer the digital world (boosted the ego).

You have a great outlook on the situation, keep it up and continue to do what you’ve been doing; praying & seeking God’s will.

We aren’t restored yet, but I’m not giving up. God has SHOWN me what He has in store for us and it’s beautiful. He is using me to save my husband and bring us and our toddler to a one-ness with Him.

I’m not going to lie, standing is a rough road. It’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but the end result makes it so worth it. I pray constantly for everything, but mostly my husband’s salvation and the restoration of our marriage. And I know that when GOD’s timing is perfect, it will happen. “But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.” [2 Peter 3:8-9]

I’ve been attacked almost unmercilessly by the enemy we fight. The destroyer of all things holy, the epitome of evil: Satan. And I’m FINALLY at the point, a year and a half into our separation, that I can look at Satan and just laugh. I KNOW my God is going to win. I KNOW my God will prevail. I see Satan’s attempts to hurt me as futile and oftentimes comical. And of course, I combat by praying. It really is the most effective weapon we have against this enemy.

My family WILL be restored. My son will finally know his father. (My husband has only seen him a few times when he was 2 months old. He’s now 17 months old.) My marriage will be even better than I thought it was pre-attack. We will be a Godly family and we will rejoice in all that He has blessed us with. I’d like to think that it’s going to happen soon. I surely pray for it. But only God knows for sure. I have complete and total faith in Him. Do you?

I know I have to put this in Gods hands and tell myself everyday that he would not put this on my shoulders if I could not handle it. I pray for the insight to understand what I need to do and the strength to accept it.

Can you talk with your mother-in-law? She would be a good person to help if possible. Please don’t dwell on this but you shouldn’t of left (even living at his folks) unless they told you point blank to leave (you validated his actions by leaving).

This may be radical but I would go back and tell him you love him and you are sorry for leaving in the first place and you want to be with him and have your family complete.

You say you miss him and want to be with him.
What’s the worst thing that could happen? They call the cops and force you to leave; at least you show him you care about your marriage.

(I know this sounds simplistic & maybe it is but a marriage is hard work & full of sacrifice).

I’m no psychologist but I am a man & I’ll tell you that we are stimulated visually, big time.
If you start dressing sensually (not trashy) he will notice; he may not act like it, but he will. The next time you have to got to the grocery store were something nice instead of the regular clothes (show him subliminally what he is missing).

Very important (this may be the hardest part) be confident; If you are praying for him & your marriage than God will take care of you no matter what happens and confidence is sexy.

I don’t think you are fooling yourself and your marriage IS salvageable but it may be difficult.
It may also require some womanly charms and flirting.

Just wondering how things are going with you now as its been a month since your post. I am in the exact same situation as you.

Part of me believes it is true, there wasn’t that much of a sexual connection, but the fact is, we did get married, there is love there. We are best friends and cannot imagine my life with anyone else. I don’t believe in divorce- I am Catholic and he does not practice any religion.

I want more than anything for our marriage to work. We’ve even seen a counsellor and he has even said if there is no sexual connection or attraction, it would be very difficult to salvage. Yet, I still have hope. I believe he can find a connection with me and not seek that elsewhere if we were to divorce. I know it can be there, we just never really tried for it. I pray day in and day out, surrending my fears and worries to God, knowing that he will take care of this. Sometimes it can be very hard to keep hope, but I’m trying. Listening to all of your stories gives me hope, especially Kristina, where you said your husband prayed for your relationship daily, and how you’re marriage kept in tact where it seemed impossible. That God can change hearts and relationships. This is how I feel now, that it is impossible. I read all of your stories everyday since I’ve found this website.

My husband and I are still living in the same house, but it is so different. Up to a month ago, I had been used to getting hugs and kisses everyday. Not a day would go by without us telling each other we loved each other. All of a sudden, that has just stopped. I am devastated and cry all the time, I hate going to work, I dread getting out of bed. I just want to curl up and die sometimes.

Is our marriage salvagable if there was never a sexual connection??? I am fooling myself?? If there is any other piece of advice or comment anyone out there can make to help during this troubling time would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks to you all and God Bless you all.

CG