Let’s face it. In America today, men tend to get a bad rap. In movies and on TV, husbands are often lumped into two categories: abusive or comically stupid. We read stories in the news about deadbeat dads and watch fallen politicians and televangelists apologize for their sexual exploits. We want to reassure you right up front that we know there are still many intelligent men with integrity who want to embody the great character qualities found in Titus 2:2. We know there are a lot of men who marry the woman they love and stay faithful to her, men who plan to work hard to keep their marriage and family intact. If you’re reading this book (or your wife is reading it to you), we applaud you for being one of those men, a husband who isn’t afraid to learn how to love better and who wants to see his remarriage succeed. If we were standing next to you now, we’d give you a hearty handshake or a solid clap on the back. We know you want your remarriage to thrive, and we want to stand with you as you work toward that goal.

In the first section of this book, you learned a lot about the damage that has been done to your heart over the years and how to undo it by healing and guarding your heart. We pray that you are now (if you weren’t before) firmly connected in a rich personal relationship with Christ and are allowing Him to transform your mind and beliefs by meditating on His Word and memorizing it. If you love God, and His love is flowing through you to your wife and family, you are off to a great start.

Now we want to take you a step further into the unique role that a remarried husband plays. We’ll lay out some of the challenges and circumstances you may face in your remarriage that could cause your heart to harden and then give you insight into your own feelings and behaviors, as well as offer some practical ways to keep your heart as a remarried husband feeling like the safest place on earth (without getting overly mushy or anything).

The Remarried Husband’s Need for Respect

A few years ago, a senior pastor named Emerson Eggerichs uncovered a biblical secret he says was a “truth hidden in plain sight for 2,000 years.”22 It is found in Ephesians 5:33, and you probably know it by heart. It’s the verse that instructs husbands to love their wives as they love their own bodies. Pastors have preached this message to the men in their congregations over and over again. Every Christian husband knows he is supposed to love his wife unconditionally. That means he loves her on bad hair days, bad mood days, bad everything days. He has to love her, no matter what. The Bible tells him so.

What Eggerichs discovered was the second half of this verse, the part that is often glossed over but says, “and the wife must respect her husband.” A light bulb went off when he realized the implications of this in marriage, and he went on to develop highly successful marriage conferences and a best-selling book called Love & Respect from his revelation. Eggerichs believes (and we agree) that men were commanded by God to love their wives with no conditions attached because loving doesn’t come naturally for men, yet their wives were created with a deep need to feel loved and cherished. The pastor then quickly connected the dots that wives must have been commanded to respect their husbands for the same reason. Wives are to respect their husbands unconditionally because respect does not come easy for women, but men need it, as Eggerichs puts it, “like they need air to breathe.”

Men need unconditional respect from their wives, but a remarried husband may quickly feel like he’s having a tough time getting it. We want you to know that your desire for respect is normal and okay. It’s a deep-seated part of the way God wired you as a man. You need to recognize that, as a husband, you want your wife to respect you more than anyone else does. Her opinion of you counts the most, and you need to feel that she is your biggest cheerleader. In the workplace, at church, and among male friends and acquaintances, respect is the code of honor you live by. But once you walk through the front door after work, respect may feel like it goes right out the window. When your wife hands you the trash you forgot to take out and complains that your ex-wife just called asking for more money that you don’t have, the feeling of disrespect may rear its ugly head.

Thank your wife for being your biggest fan.

You feel respected when your wife puts you first, ahead of the kids, her phone calls, her friends, or her work. You are the head of your household, called by God to provide for it and protect it. But if your wife was a single mom before you two married, she may have been used to looking out for herself. Learning to live under your headship may feel unnatural, and you may interpret her discomfort as disrespect. As a remarried husband, you will need to work with your wife to define each of your roles in the home and distribute the balance of power so that you feel respected, and your wife doesn’t feel stripped of her identity or purpose.

When men feel disrespected, their natural tendency is to do one of two things: 1) shut their hearts down or 2) lash out in anger. Neither reaction is healthy, and both can do serious damage to a marriage. When remarriage occurs, the feeling of disrespect can be compounded because both spouses bring some of the emotional baggage from their former marriages with them. If you are a remarried husband who experienced divorce, you may have felt disrespected by your former wife for years, so you may approach every encounter with your new wife with built-in wariness that she is not going to respect you. You may also be battling a loss of respect for yourself because of the damage divorce did to your children, the financial comfort that was stripped away, or the behavior you displayed in your angriest moments. You may not respect yourself because you were unfaithful or did things in your past you are not proud of, and that can create very shaky ground in remarriage. The walls around your poor, disrespected heart may be high and almost impenetrable. It will be a top priority for you in remarriage to start dismantling those barriers and reveal the real you to your wife.

When you fell in love and remarried, part of what you fell for was the mirror image you saw reflected in your new spouse’s eyes. She adored you, and that felt great. It made you stand taller, forget your mistakes, and once again feel like you could conquer the world. When the routine and pressures of remarriage set in, you may think the stars in your spouse’s eyes have faded and she can’t possible respect you, the man she lives with everyday. You have to ask God to remove the lie etched on your heart that your wife does not respect you and replace it with the belief that she deeply respects you—and that as a husband now living for God and his family you are worthy of respect.

Your wife also brings her emotional past to your marriage, and she may speak to you or look at you in ways that come across as disrespectful, especially in times of conflict. A disdainful look or sarcastic tone violates your code of honor as a man, and your heart clamps down. You will have to be vigilant in remarriage in guarding your heart from hardening when you feel disrespected. It is also important to determine whether your wife is truly acting disrespectfully or if you are seeing her actions through the lens of your past.

In a time of non-conflict, talk openly with your wife about what specific actions, facial expressions, body language or speaking tones set you off or cause you to shut down.

You and your wife need to learn to recognize what triggers feelings of disrespect in you as a remarried husband, so that you don’t fall into the same unhealthy patterns that reigned in your former marriage. When you feel respected, your heart can remain fully open and engaged. You will experience more satisfaction and will want to love your wife more.

“Can you fix this marriage in 30 second or less?”

Wow. We would like to fancy ourselves as talented and productive relationship consultants, but this guy was asking for a miracle; and he was serious. Thirty seconds or less? Are you kidding? But then it hit us, like Mike Tyson hitting Michael Spinks, but it took less than 92 seconds for us to come up with his answer. “You want to fix your marriage in 30 seconds or less? Then start with changing yourself and decide to be a loving, supportive, active, and growing husband.”

Not surprisingly, he didn’t take to our answer. This guy is like a lot of people in our country. America is no longer the land of the free and the home of the brave, but more accurately the land of the irresponsible and home of the no fault lawsuit; the demise of our relationships is are the proof.
If you are wanting a book that will give you excuses, then you can stop reading now. If you are wanting a book that will coddle you and make you feel better about yourself, then stop reading now. It’s about time we all start growing up. Being an adult does not mean things become easier, in fact, it really means things become more difficult because, as adults, we are responsible for all of our own actions and feelings. We can no longer be victims, like we were as children, but instead we must start assuming the power of one which is the simple solution to a happy marriage.

One of our favorite first lines when working with a client in a clinical setting is, “What brings you in today.” We’re not the first people to ask this question, but it does have special meaning for us. “What brings you in today” is at the heart of many people’s issues. How people typically respond to this question will tell us a lot of how successful they will be in getting helped. If they start listing a long line of issues about their spouse as the reason they are coming to one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives, then we know we are in a battle. The problem with your marriage, however, is not your long list of issues or complaints about your spouse. Honestly, it is the level at which each of you is willing to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage. Issues are just issues. Couples are stressed out in their marriage because neither is willing to do the right thing (unless the other is willing to do it first).

What brings you to reading this book today? Are you frustrated in love? Does your spouse not meet your needs like you want? Do you feel alone, rejected, or disconnected? Has life turned out to be one huge disappointing experience after another? What brings you to reading this book today?
Be careful with your answer. It’s an important question. If you answer, “My spouse… my child… my boss…” Then you’re not ready for the following pages. In fact, they might even upset the very core of your being.

This book is not about what your spouse must do so you can enjoy a satisfied and happy marriage. This book is about learning what YOU can do to help create an environment where a satisfied and happy marriage is possible.

We are not slaves to our past. We have a choice. We do not become angry because someone says something mean. We do not get sad because someone says something hurtful. Every emotion we display is our choice. Let us say this another way, we decide whether or not we are going to be upset, sad, frustrated, mad, or hurt.

We are in control of our own destinies and emotion. People, places, or things do not make us unhappy in life. We choose to feel unhappy as a result of what happens around us. We will address this concept in much more depth later on in chapter seven. But it is important to note here, at the beginning of this book. You can choose how you respond to circumstances.

We know you can not control what happens to you by other people. If you catch your spouse in an affair, your initial reaction will be your gut reaction. Your gut reaction is what’s natural to you. We are not talking about controlling what initially happens to you when faced with hardships or heartache. We are talking about controlling how you move forward and how you respond to tough circumstances. If someone says something mean to me (Amy), it is natural for me to feel hurt – initially. But if I go home and then take out my frustration or hurt on my kids or husband, then that is my fault. If I loose sleep that night because I’m still ruminating over what happened to me earlier in the day, then that is my fault.

The old saying that it takes two to save a marriage could not be more wrong. We’ve seen marriages experience the warmth and grace God intended because one spouse decided to make a change, which always results in the marriage, or any relationship for that matter, experiencing real change – and usually in a positive manner.

Perhaps you’ve heard of the story from a Turkish village that was devastated by an earthquake. Earlier in the morning before the quake hit the village, a young father had dropped his son off at school. It was just like any other day, and like all the days before, the father told his tiny son, “I’ll be back to pick you up after school.” The little boy always made him promise. “Promise?” the boy said to his reassuring father. “Yes, son, I promise.”

The village had experienced much violence from the various clans fighting in the area and children were often afraid they would not see their parents after school, it had happened many times before. The earth quake hit some time in the middle of the school day, and it was ferocious. The earth moved with such force that every building in the village was completely destroyed, including the elementary where the father had dropped his son off that morning.

The entire village headed for what remained of the collapsed school. When people started arriving they were met with horror. The school, once a haven for protecting the children, was no longer.
But the worst part was not the sight of the fallen school or the total devastation from the earthquake, no, the worst part was that there were no screams to be heard from the rubble. No moans or cries from children trapped in the wreckage, only the terrifying silence after the storm.

Immediately rescue workers and parents began to remove the stones and splintered wood beams to try and find any survivors; including the young father who had promised his son he would return to pick him up.

Hour after hour the hopes of a village sank as one dead child after another was pulled from the pile of debris. Soon parents and rescue workers began to lose hope that any survivors would be found. After a full 24 hours of continuous digging, many families and friends began to disappear along with their hopes of finding their precious children. All the families but one. The little boy’s father was still digging.

After 48 hours many of the rescue workers were leaving the site and they begged the young father stop hoping and accept the fact that his son was dead. But the father would not hear any of them. He had made a promise to his son, and no one could pull him from the rubble. All he had for sustenance the last 48 hours was what little water people had offered him. His fingers, hands, elbows, and knees were bleeding and cut to the bone from the continual lifting and moving of the heavy stones.
It had now been almost three days since the tragic earthquake destroyed the elementary school. No one was left digging except that young father. People in the village had accepted the fact that this young father was going to die on that pile of rubble along with the children. But the father was determined. Several rescue workers watched as the father continued to dig, tears streaming down his face, desperate to find his son who he had promised to see again.

When out of the dust and chaos the young father heard a slight, but proud voice come from beneath the rubble, “Daddy? Is that you daddy?” The little boy heard the digging from above him, where he and 19 of his classroom friends had survived the quake because of a God-inspired pocket of space and clean air.

“Yes! Son, it is me your father!” The young man could hardly believe his ears. But his energy quickly renewed and he kept digging toward the voice of his little boy who was telling his classmates, “See. I told you my daddy would come for us. He promised me he would.”

That is the power of one (or personal responsibility) and the simple solution to a happy marriage. You can not hope that your spouse does the work that you need to do. If you want your relationship to be better, then be better yourself. The power of one is about understanding that you have tremendous influence over relationship when you focus of your energy on being the kind of person you want your spouse to be.

The following pages will reveal to you how to take personal responsibility in your most important relationship on earth, your marriage. They will guide you to a better understanding of yourself and what is behind people who take the power of one. Jesus once said, “do unto other as you would have done unto you.” This little book is that message. Do for your spouse what you want done to you.
“The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate.” Reference?

These are Paul’s words as written in Romans chapter seven, and these are the words of the suffering. Not the impoverished who suffer, but rather the people like you and us who suffer every day – every week – trying to get our relationship to a place where it brings us happiness. We want to do the right thing, but yet we still manage to make a mess of things. We struggle, we fall, we humiliate ourselves all in the pursuit of a happy marriage. What makes this book a simple solution to a happy marriage is that it taps in to one of the biggest themes of the Bible. Personal responsibility. God does not do the work for us when it comes to salvation. Salvation is ours because we choose to believe that Jesus is who He said He is. The bible does not promote victims, the bible promotes strength, courage, perseverance, righteousness, patience, kindness, mercy, grace, selflessness, hope, and much, much more. What is the theme that binds all of this together? Personal responsibility. None of the things God asks of us is possible without us taking action and doing it ourselves. The same is true for marriage. A great marriage is not because you are compatible or married the one and only person on earth that was right for you. Great marriages happen because two individuals do the work to make the marriage great.

All we are asking of you through this book is to take a look at what you can do to make a difference in your marriage. We wish we could develop some magical pill to make your marriage the absolute best, but alas, that kind of pill is not possible. What we can do is show you how to behave better and to take the power of your own change to make a positive impact on the marriage. Does this book guarantee a happy marriage? No. There are no guarantees and anyone who tries to sell you that line is a liar. But we can assure you that if you take the time to get as healthy as possible, you will change. When you change your spouse will take notice.

As we once wrote in the DNA of Relationships, God created all of us for relationships. That is the good news! We crave, at the very fiber of our being, to be in relationship with others. Personal responsibility is so important because when we start behaving well toward others (especially our spouse), how do you think they will respond? Will they get mad because you are treating them so well? Probably not. More than likely your spouse or others will respond in kind. They will treat you well because they are being treated well. It’s the results of the Golden Rule! The old saying, “What goes around comes around”, is not just a statement for bad things. This statement works for those who choose to do good things. Loving your spouse to the best of your ability can only end up well. Even if it takes time, hang in there and keep learning how to do the right thing. This book is about doing the right thing. The more you know how to behave and handle yourself in different situations, the better your relationships will be. In fact, one of the cool things we are doing throughout this book is giving your “Simple Solution Scenarios”. These scenarios are every day examples of how to apply the lessons being learned throughout this book. Hopefully you will be able to relate to them on a deep and real level. We will write out a typical scenario in marriage where things could go horrible wrong (i.e. like finding out about an affair) and then we will walk you through how to apply the pages of this book to the specific situation.

You will also find a study guide at the back of the book as well. This study guide is an incredibly important piece of this book and the health and happiness of your marriage. The study guide is meant for a small group. You will learn later on in the book how important a small group is to your marriage, but if you are already involved in a small group then please encourage your group to go through this book together. The study guide will give you helpful discussion questions and it will highlight the most important concepts we want you to get from each chapter.

You are now ready to begin a Simple Solution to a Happy Marriage. If you feel resistence resistant to reading the this book, then just know there are forces which do not want you to be successful in your marriage. Resist! Keep moving forward and keep learning everything you can to make yourself a better lover, wife, husband, father, or mother. In fact, let’s start with a simple prayer to make sure you begin this book with the right mindset and the proper protection:

Dear heavenly Father, forgive me of my sins against You and my marriage (feel free to pray any specific sins that God brings to your mind at this moment). Father, I ask for protection as I read this book. If there is anything that wants to distract from the truth, then I ask that you keep it away. Father, help me keep an open heart and an open mind to Your will. I want your will done in my life and my marriage. Amen.”

Friends, suffer no more! Experience the life changing freedom of a simple solution to a happy marriage.

I second your to do’s! If people would only take a look inside and own their own junk it would make the world a better place. We all need grace and mercy! We “set others up” to meet our needs when we first know our shortcomings. An example might be… if you know you have a hard time admitting when you’re feelings get hurt then you probably do one of the following… shut down… stop talking… assume the other person doesn’t care… get mad about something totally silly… shoot back with defensiveness, criticism, or shame.

By identifying an unhealthy behavior doesn’t mean the other person’s behavior is ok it’s just your part. None of us want to grow up but we all need to. And maturity is a life long process we are all suppose to be doing. The moment we look to another person as both the problem and the solution we are stuck. Maturity happens independently of the other person.

These are some more great thoughts on second marriages (and any marriage for that matter).  Thanks Amy =]

No one likes divorce, especially a guy who works very hard at helping couples to avoid it. But there are literally millions of couples and families dealing with the hurtful effects from divorce, and I need to do a better job reaching out and posting specific articles, research, and other helpful tips for couples who want to be successful in their second (or more) marriages.

Our intensive program is full of couples who are on their second marriage. Even though I have not experienced divorce myself, I do get the chance to work many hours with the effects and special issues of second marriages and stepfamilies through our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.

How do you ensure a successful second marriage? Easy. Work. Education. Work. Patience. Work. More education. Lots more work. And tons of grace. I’m not trying to be goofy, but the very real reality is that second marriages have an even higher divorce rate than first marriages. My simplified understanding to this problem is because of the amount of hurt, conflict, and stress the second marriage begins with.

If you want to be successful at your second marriage then you are going to have to put in the time to love each other well and learn each others’ love language (check out Gary Chapman’s book on this). But here are three concrete things you can do to make your second marriage a success:

1. Recognize what you did wrong in the first marriage and fix that immediately.
   You were not perfect, even if you were only at fault for 20% of the problems in your first marriage, you need to spend 100% of your time fixing that 20%.  Whatever dysfunction you had in the first marriage will not magically disappear in your second marriage.  Negative patterns and behaviors have a way of repeating themselves.  Your new marriage will have its own set of issues, so please do not bring in old issues.
2. Learn new ways of dealing with hurt feelings (LUV Talk), anger (LUV Talk), and unmet expectations (LUV Talk).
   LUV Talk is our communication method that you can learn through Embrace, The DNA of Relationships, or Don’t Date Naked and More than a Match.  When things go wrong you need a strict way of communicating feelings and needs.  You need a system to follow in order to keep the conversation safe and productive.  But let me just say this, one of the greatest things you can do when you experience a negative reaction is to simply take a time-out.  This is not permission to withdraw or avoid, but simply permission to say something like, “I am really upset right now and I need about an hour to calm down.  Can we talk in an hour?”
3. Give your stepchildren a break and simply take a big breath.
   One of the most stressful things about a second marriage are the stepkids.  This is not a slam on stepchildren, but rather a reality of second marriages.  Kids from divorce usually do not like the fact that their parents got divorced.  This anger and sadness carries itself in to the stepfamily.  Relax.  Give the kids room to be hurt and upset.  Work on validating any feelings or needs that come out (even if they do it unfairly or angrily).  They need time to adjust to the new family and forcing them to like the new parent will never work out in your best interest.

Well what do you think?  Do these three ideas seem possible?  You can make a second marriage work, it just takes work.  Do not give up, another divorce is only going to make things even more difficult and more painful.  You can do this and you will if you work at becoming more loving and caring toward your spouse and children.

Dear Michael and Amy,
I recently read your book “Don’t Date Naked“. I thought it was the best dating book I have ever read! Down to earth, no sugar coating and full of grace. So of course I recommended the book to my boyfriend and a lot of the girls in my Young Adults group (25-35′s). I knew they would love it…. well the response was so great that I’ve been asked to do a small group study on it.

I first want to say thank you to this young lady who wrote so kindly about our book. Secondly, it reminded me of how important I feel this book is for young adults and their dating relationships. We wrote the book in response to the movement of “kissing dating good-bye”.

Young people can be successful in dating and they do not have to simply throw it away! If you can honor your marriage and God, then you can honor some young man or lady and God as well. Kids just have to know how to set themselves up to be successful in dating. I think that is what Don’t Date Naked does, it gives the tools and education for young adults to be healthy in their dating lives.

THE FOUNDERS

Amy Smalley, Founder

Amy Smalley specializes in teaching women and couples the principles of loving well and loving for a lifetime. Her popularity as a nationally renowned marriage builder and couples expert quickly grew through her signature straightforward, no-nonsense advice. Amy’s message inspires, motivates and challenges people to thrive in their most important relationships.

Amy’s love story with her husband, Michael, began while she was an undergraduate at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. After graduation, she went on to earn a master;s degree in clinical psychology from Wheaton College in Chicago, Illinois. Amy has authored several best-selling relationship advice books including More than a Match, and Don’t Date Naked.

For the past 12 years she has spoken to people around the world through live events, international evangelistic events, and special speaking.

Amy teaches with passion through stories and illustrations, allowing her audiences to learn through her own transparency. In 2005, Amy launched the Marriage Restoration Intensives, working hand-in-hand with couples to teach them valuable skills to maintain their marriages. Amy currently serves as the co-founder of the Smalley Marriage and Family Center in The Woodlands, just outside Houston, Texas. The center provides local counseling, special intensive marriage retreats, and training for professionals and lay-people.

Amy has enjoyed 14 years of marriage to only Michael and makes her home near Houston, Texas. They have three children, Cole, Reagan, and David.

Michael Smalley, Founder

Michael Smalley specializes in teaching couples the principles of loving well and loving for a lifetime. His popularity as a nationally renowned marriage builder and couples counselor quickly grew through his signature straightforward, no-nonsense advice. Michael’s message inspires, motivates and challenges people to thrive in their most important relationships.

For the past 15 years he has spoken to millions of people around the world through his live events, international evangelistic events, and special speaking. Michael’s style in the Marriage Restoration Intensive program is to bring use his humor to help couples move through difficult times and learn new skills through laughter.

THE MARRIAGE CONSULTANTS

Jenny Reid

Jenny Reid

As a Licensed Professional Counselor, Jenny Glaske Reid has been working with families and couples for over 12 years. She is particularly passionate about helping couples reignite the fun and passion in their marriage and helping them work together to be better parents and have a stronger family.

She has presented the PREP marriage curriculum to couples across Texas and has particular expertise in helping adoptive couples and families. She utilizes her wry sense of humor and a pragmatic style to provide real help and genuine relief for struggling relationships.

Jenny received her Master of Science degree in Counseling from the University of Central Arkansas. Early in her counseling practice, Jenny met her husband, Brandon. They moved to Houston in 2002 where Jenny has worked with couples and families who have adopted children from the Child Welfare System. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor with a passion for helping new therapists learn more about relationship education and spreading the word in their communities.

Jenny and her husband Brandon have been married for 10 years and reside in Houston. They have two adorable children, Brady and Julia.

Matthew Whalen

Matthew Whalen is a Licensed Professional Counselor Intern whose training and experience as a marriage and family counselor has given him the opportunity to help many individuals, couples and families restore balance and overcome life’s obstacles. He currently works as a marriage consultant for the Smalley Marriage and Family Center and provides counseling services at the Barnabas Center for Biblical Guidance at Second Baptist Church in Houston, Texas.

Matthew has a wide array of experience with helping individuals, couples and families develop the skills necessary to successfully overcome challenges surrounding interpersonal communication, marital and relational intimacy, work/life balance, forgiveness, conflict resolution and infidelity.

Matthew’s background as a Junior High and High School counselor also gives him a wealth of experience from which to draw when working with families and young adults.
His ability to quickly build client rapport and a collaborative environment, work to set the tone necessary for productive interaction. His ultimate goal is to empower his clients to make positive life changes while renewing their hope and confidence in their own ability to achieve a healthy and fun balance in all aspects of life.

Matthew and his wife Jessica recently celebrated the ten year anniversary of their first date! They currently reside in Houston, Texas where they settled after graduating from the University of Colorado at Boulder. Matthew received his masters in counseling at Sam Houston State University and his undergraduate degree in psychology at the University of Colorado.

Jennifer Meredith

Jennifer Meredith has a passion for walking alongside couples as they work to enhance their marital satisfaction. She teaches by using her life experiences and openness to connect with couples. When working with Jennifer, you will feel like you are talking to a trusted friend. She brings a relaxing and calming approach to her work with individuals and couples.

Jennifer is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over twelve years of experience working with families in a variety of settings, including individual, couple and group counseling with families in adoption and in grief and loss settings. She is experienced in helping families resolve conflict and work together in crisis. Along with her professional experience, she worked along side her husband in youth and family ministry for ten years. These experiences, combined with her love for families, are what have brought her to work with couples in Marriage Restoration Intensives. It is her desire to help couples live life together at their fullest potential rather than just surviving the day-to-day routine.

Jennifer received her master of science in social work from the University of Texas in Austin. She is recognized by the Texas Social Work Board as an approved supervisor, able to supervise new therapists entering the field of clinical social work. She and her husband, David, began their relationship while in college at Abilene Christian University, where Jennifer received her bachelor’s of science in social work. They have been married for twelve years and they are continuing to learn how to love the Lord, and each other, better. They currently reside in the Woodlands and have two children, Austin and Katie.

As we spoke, a revelation of sorts came to me about one of the keys to a successful marriage. We all pretty much know that marriage is about compromise and self sacrifice. You suddenly put two very different people together who have lots of expectations about this new relationship. Most of the time, whether we realize it or not, we put pressure on our spouse to meet OUR needs. And we forget that THEY have needs too.

My revelation was that marriage is about doing the things that don’t come naturally. It’s about working hard to do the things that are NOT second nature to us. What exactly does that mean? Well, think of it this way. We all have a primary love language. That means we feel loved in a certain way. Some need to spend time with their spouse, some need to hear comforting words, some require more physical intimacy and so on…. (Please read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages” for more info.)

The way we receive love is often different than the way our spouse does. Since the two are different, we now have to work at demonstrating love the way they receive it. We have to do things that probably do not come naturally. Communicating may be difficult for one spouse. But you know how essential it is for any marriage. That may mean that you now have to work really hard at talking and opening up to your mate. It may be a foreign concept for you, but if you want your marriage to be healthy and happy, communication is essential, and you have to learn how to do it. Another spouse may need to hear encouraging words to know they are appreciated. Perhaps you forget to compliment your spouse or say thank you for some of the simple things. You may have to find a way to remind yourself to say something nice.

Do you see what I mean? Marriage has always been about give and take, but I think we have to understand that the giving part is more important. It requires that we give something of ourselves that may be difficult. We may have to sometimes fight against what we know and learn something new. And when we give of ourselves out of love for our spouse, the return can only be wonderful.

Divorce can strengthen kids’ ability to sustain successful relationships, but only if their parents stay supportive throughout the ordeal—and afterward. Parents should explain their marital dilemmas to their children to alert them to problems they might otherwise duplicate. In the end, good communication can prevent romantic history from repeating itself.

My first thoughts wonder about the validity of David Mahl’s research methods.  Mahl makes a very unique statement about children of divorce, one that I’m not accustomed to seeing in any other research (not that I’ve done all the research possible).  Secondly, I wonder why the parents couldn’t get along in their marriage when it seems apparent that they need to get along in their divorce in order for the children to do well in future relationships.

Divorce doesn’t need to be a reality, and this is something I tell couples frequently.  Listen…if your children are going to avoid the tremendously negative effects of divorce, then you will have to learn how to get along with each other.  So why not do that in your marriage as opposed getting along after your divorce?

The following topics are covered in our Embrace marriage event:

1. Why Marriages are Miserable
   Learn about the ONE reason why couples stress out and what you can do about it.
2. The Power of One
   Even if your spouse doesn’t want to change, you can make an incredible impact on your marriage.
3. Resolving Your Toughest Conflicts
   Connect to the heart of your mate by learning how to successfully communicate and resolve conflict.
4. Creating a Marriage Worth Being in
   The natural outcome of a safe marriage is openness and intimacy. Learn 5 ways to restore the safety in your marriage.
5. The Secret to Sexual Intimacy
   Great sex is an outcome of a great relationship. Learn what it takes to ignite the flames of passion by simply cleaning the dishes.

Here’s what the experts say:

“I’ve seen Michael grow and mature over the years and I’m so proud of the husband, father and man he has become. I’ve seen them in action,and they are one of the most entertaining and inspirational couples I know. The Smalleys will knock your socks off and teach you what it takes to thrive in your marriage.”
Dr. Joe White, President Kanakuk Kamps

“I love Michael Smalley – he’s so imperfect! Talk about a man who married up, wait ’til you see Amy. They’re great teachers about life… you’ll enjoy them and be helped by them.”
Dr. Kevin Leman, Author of Sheet Music (Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage)

“Michael and Amy are an inspiration to Norma and me. Their relationship both on stage and off is a testimony of a continual growing love. I am truly proud to call them one of my best legacies.”
Dr. Gary Smalley

Here’s what the attendees say:

• “Great team presentation–appreciate the humor, especially with tough issues.”
• “They are real & honest.”
• “Very clear, well presented, respectful and entertaining.”
• “Very good, fun, informative, and scriptural.”
• “Hit home in a lot of areas.”
• “Amazing, hilarious, we personally related to their stories.”
• “Superb! Better than anything I could have anticipated.”
• “Great presentation. I laughed so hard it hurt.”

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So this morning I decided that I would not wait for impending disaster any longer, but instead, would actually try to get ahead of the game and go to God’s word ahead of schedule and seek God’s counsel through prayer before I’m in total crisis.

I was reading 1 Peter, which is an excellent book to go with if you want to feel really successful, because you can read the entire thing at one sitting A particular verse popped out at me this morning (I was reading from The Message) and I want to share it with you:

Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. (1 Peter 4:8)

I have a client who’s husband could be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality disorder. He’s been nothing short of horrible through abuse, affairs, and inappropriate threats to her life. I will protect her privacy, but her upbringing was even worse than her marriage! She is not from this country and has survived things that you and I could never understand.

But she has taught me something through our time together. She is living 1 Peter 4:8. Even though her husband has treated her horribly, she has not responded in kind, rather, she has done the right thing. She is a believer and does not think she should be cruel back to him, and just the other day he actually said to her, “Why haven’t you done anything bad back to me?”

There’s some powerful research coming out on how to help someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and guess what? The most promising therapy is couples therapy! That’s right, a Narcissist needs someone who is capable of loving them and empathizing with them despite all the horrible things they do.

I always tell clients (and remind myself a lot), no matter what, do the right thing and things will go well for you.

Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless – that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing. Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, Here’s what you do: Say nothing evil or hurtful; Snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all you’re worth. God looks on all this with approval, listening and responding well to what he’s asked; But he turns his back on those who do evil things. If with heart and soul you’re doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you’re still better off. Don’t give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you’re living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. (1 Peter 3: 8-15)

It was the fall of our third year of marriage.  We’d already survived several major arguments, and actually came out closer as friends and lovers.  But this one was different.  Before, when we argued, the resolution seemed to always make sense.  Like the time we survived the big “Money Management Fight”.  I finally understood it wasn’t “smart” financing to not tell my wife when and how much money I withdrew from that wonderful invention, the ATM machine.  Therefore our checkbook never matched the bank statement which would arrive once a month.  The checkbook not matching up to the bank statement did not bother me because my philosophy for a balanced checking account was to switch banks when things got “confused”!  However, Amy had a different opinion than mine.  The resolution to this problem was fairly obvious, KEEP THE RECEIPTS! Though the argument we were locked in now had no possible Win/Win solution, or at least it didn’t seem to have one in the beginning.

It all started one night as I returned home from my work as a marriage and family intern therapist.  I immediately sensed the mood in the room.  There was a familiar aura about it, then it struck me.  Before Amy could say anything, I knew she was pregnant.  We were going to have our second OOOPS.  You might think that after our first unplanned pregnancy we would have learned how to prevent a second, but alas, we were slow learners.

Both of us immediately panicked.  Actually, Amy had already spent the better part of the day panicked.  How could we finish school with two children?  I had one more year in my masters program, but Amy had just started her two-year program.  That meant that Amy would be pregnant during her first year, and we would have two children during her second year in the program.

We wouldn’t be able to afford to have both children in daycare, and were not truly willing to put an infant in daycare.  This meant that either Amy had to drop out of Wheaton College and attend a school closer to family in Missouri so we could both pursue our dreams, or I could take a year off from my work to stay at home full time so Amy could finish at Wheaton College.

As marriage and family therapists, we were able to recognize that both of us had legitimate needs and feelings.  I had just spent three grueling years obtaining my education and I had an intense need to use that education.  Amy had a legitimate need to finish her education at an elite program in which she had already developed many lasting friendships.  We were stuck.

I felt that she was being selfish in not wanting to move to Missouri, where we could both pursue our dreams while family and friends helped with the children.  She felt that I was being selfish in not wanting to stay at home for one year so she could finish her degree at Wheaton College.

Then one day, after two solid weeks of arguing, we reached the breaking point.  In a small bagel shop in Wheaton, Illinois, Amy and I exploded, only as therapists can explode.  There we were quietly bombarding each other with hurtful words and false accusations, making sure no one could hear us.  I finally stood up and announced, “Well fine! I have to go now and counsel couples!”  I stormed out of the restaurant and headed for the counseling clinic, where I was supposed to help couples get along better!

What happened next was nothing short of a miracle.  Before I entered the counseling room, I met with my supervisor.  I stepped into her office, definitely not in the mood to discuss anything close to therapy or helping people.  She never looked at me, but simply said, “I think we need to just meet in silence.”  So there I sat, sprawled on her couch, eyes closed, and head leaned back.  It was then the miracle occurred.

Lying there on her couch, an image entered my head so clear that I nearly reached out to touch it.  It was Christ gently laying down his left hand to be nailed to the cross.  Next came his right hand, in the same fashion he gently laid down to be hammered to his wooden cross.  It was such a powerful image that I immediately began to weep.

This was the answer to our struggle.  This was the answer to any couple’s struggle.  Laying down your life for the needs and feelings of your mate.  Christ literally went through Hell so we might have life and have it more abundantly.  I wasn’t willing to give up one year of work to spend valuable time with my children and to help my wife finish her degree at a school she loved.

If we want to have a satisfying marriage, one where the passion and excitement never end, we must be willing to sacrifice our own needs for the needs of our mate.  In other words, we need to be selfless.

When couples are entrenched in conflict, there is one major theme pervading the problem.  Neither side is willing to give up their position.  How can we have harmony when we are not willing to accept the feelings of our mate?  In order to successfully solve our marriage conflicts, we must be able to take on the perspective of our mate.  We must be focused toward enhancing the welfare of our mate.

When we are selfless, it is like a beautiful dance, where both partners glide around the room of marriage with utter ease and confidence.  But the key is that it is a couple’s dance.  There’s no room for stylish, single’s dancing.  This is meant to be a Waltz, not a Mosh Pit!  If only one spouse is concentrating on being selfless, the strategy will fail.  It takes two to tango, and two to make selflessness work in marriage.

By becoming selfless, we open the possibilities to truly experience the joy and satisfaction in our marriage God intended.  When God said, “and the two shall become one”, what do you think God meant?  My feeling is that the only way we can experience the full benefit of marriage is when we give of ourselves for the good of our mate.  This is the ultimate oneness!

So how did Amy and I resolve our dilemma?  After my clear image of what Christ did for me, it was simple. I told Amy I would do whatever it took to help her finish school at Wheaton College.  Amy was overcome with gladness, and amazingly, so was I.

We had no idea at the time how valuable my year would be as a stay-at-home father.  One of the most amazing lessons learned from our experience was that of reciprocation.  Because I was willing to put Amy’s needs ahead of mine, she intern was willing to do the same for me .  When couples act for the complete good of their mate, guess what, their mate wants to do the same.  It’s like the most infectious disease ever discovered.

God does a funny thing when we are truly selfless; God rewards us.  We know it would have been a different outcome if I was simply “giving in” to Amy just so God would reward me later.  It does not work that way.  Only when selflessness comes from a complete desire for the good of our mate, and not our own, will we reap the rewards for ourselves as well as the marriage.  The reward will be the true intimacy and passion that God intended for marriage.