You might be thinking this question is ridiculous and absurd, but it is not. I’ve run in to enough couples in my life as a Marriage Consultant (This is my new term, I love it, but what do you think?) who ask this very question. Sometimes I am the one who has to bring to their attention that it is not healthy or okay to watch pornography with each other. I hear them say, “What’s the big deal if we are watching it together?” My response? “What’s the big deal if you two go and murder someone together?” Just because you do it together, does not mean it is okay to do.
Check out my podcast interview with Luke Gilkerson from Covenant Eyes and listen to why I think it is a bad idea to watch pornography together. Â If you have a couple friend who is doing this right now, make sure and forward this post on to them. Â They need it.
Play the Podcast
Watching porn together is OK: That is like saying it is OK to have a threesome, because you are sharing the third person together!
The marriage bed belongs to the TWO people in the marriage, period.
I have read these post. I don’t lean to either side of the fence. I do question those that say they watch porn with their spouses. Exactly, why? If you are happy with each other then why watch it. What’s so special about porn that you can’t create yourselves. Try this instead of watching porn hang mirrors and watch each other. This way everywhere you look you see one another. I’ve seen some of the things done on these sites and let’s just say there are somethings i will not do. I know my husband has watched it, but at the end of the day it is I that he comes to. I wish all the best in the decision “to watch are not to watch” but is that the real question.
The question I ask is “why do we have to watch?”
Why watch two or three(or more) people having publicized sex when i’d much rather watch me and my spouse.
My advice “mirrors” it makes for some of the best porn you can ever watch and it’s just you and him/her.
If a husband and wife stiffle their communication, nothing good can come of it. The barriers increase, connection is lost, and divorce is around the corner.
If a husband and wife BOTH enjoy watching a G rated movie together that is OK-right?
How about an R rated movie together? Same answer…good.
So why would watching an x rated movie be any different? Just because the stimulation becomes physical as opposed to emotional? Hmmm…let’s see. If I watch “ET: The extra terrestrial” and get a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye, isn’t that a physical manifestation of an emotional response. Doesn’t going to the movies in and of itself ALWAYS going to be a journey into some sort of fantasy (G, R or X rated)
A committed couple can do whatever they need and want to do in the comfort and privacy of their own home. If the couple has secrets and/or communcation issues, then yes…watching porn might lead them to an area of communciation that does not build a relationship, but set them up for disappointment.
The rule of thumb should be communication first and foremost…about EVERYTHING including a person’s fantasies. Limiting communication at any level is a recipe for disaster.
Interesting take on pornography Doug. However, there are some flaws in your theory. Comparing a G rated movie to an X rated movie is much like comparing little orphan annie to Hitler. There is overwhelming research on the astounding negative effects of pornography on the human soul. Porn, in essence. objectifies men and women and deteriorates people in to selfish, narcissistic people.
Open communication is good and important, but that has nothing to do with a couple watching porn together. Good communication is about loving and serving each other by asking questions like, “How can I love you better today?” I can not love my wife better by watching porn with her. I can fantasize about my wife and get creative with my wife, but not with a third party, which porn is a third party.
Did you know that porn is more addictive than Crack? I’ve never met anyone who can’t help themselves and constantly have to watch G rated movies. To my knowledge, no one has lost their job because of an addiction to G rated movies. Yet those who get in to porn end up spending thousands, even tens of thousands on the porn habit and can not make it a day without seeing porn.
The reality is that there is good fantasy and bad fantasy. Lord of the Rings, creative and cool, Pornography, destructive and desensitizing. We do not have the right to do whatever we want to, this is not how a healthy society operates. Just because it’s private, doesn’t mean it’s not destructive. With freedom comes great responsibility (Spiderman’s uncle taught us something similar). Just because I have the freedom to do whatever I want doesn’t mean I can or should.
Haha, Michael. Now I see why you and Ted get along! Your ‘FUNdamentals’ are showing!
My opinion in watching porn together or seperate is the same….it’s WRONG! My husband ruined our 19 yr marriage by getting hooked into internet pornography and masturbation 7 years ago. It has cost us everything for his immediate gratification habit. It’s been 7 years and our marriage has been ruined. God says your body is not your own, it is the Temple. Would you really be having internet sex knowing that your body belongs to God? It’s like God having sex with porn. This is not pleasing to God’s Eyes. When that person has sex with himself, can he/she really not have any shame or guilt afterwards?
I hate the Porn industry, and I hate what it did to our marriage. I would be on vacation with my husband and kids this week, if he had not gotten hooked onto porn.
Not much of a debate here, I think we are clear on the views of Michael.
However, you asked for my opinion on Twitter… and I shall give it. I agree with Doug that pornography can be a productive tool in the bedroom for couples to communicate (verbally and physically.) Without open lines of communication it’s a sinking ship.
Michael, I don’t agree with you about “all porn objectifies women and men.” Most do, but not all. The core of this conversation is moderation. IF the couple can communicate about the feelings, fantasies and opinions that porn brings up, it can be a good thing. IF one person in the relationship begins to form an addiction and feeds the need outside of the partnership, then it becomes a bad thing. Hopefully the communication can avoid that from happening.
Full disclosure – I have a porn problem and am working through it with my wife by my side. We talk about it, read about it, pray about it. And through our communication we’ve decided not to have pornography in the house.
But I have to walk the talk of the libertarian in me. Just because I can’t handle it I shouldn’t want to ban it from other people. It is a fair debate point to use my situation as an example for other men/couples and say “see, I told you it was bad! Look what happened to him!” However, I have some unusual circumstances that helped me feed the porn addiction AND this issue has brought me closer to God, to my wife and allowed me to know myself better. And the benefits outweigh the negatives that came from my situation. Back to Doug’s point – it helped me communicate more.
Is porn the best thing in the world? Nah. But it’s not worth taking a grand moral stance and say it should be avoided at all costs.
OK Michael – rip me up.
Thanks for the permission to ‘rip you up’
I hope that I’m not coming across mean in any of my responses. Here’s my question, on what are you basing your statement of “pornography can be a productive tool in the bedroom for couples to communicate (verbally and physically.)” Too what research are you referring too? Because everything I’ve ever read on this subject of pornography and the marriage is negative and destructive (see: http://www.gosmalley.com/an-excellent-paper-on-the-negative-effects-of-pornography).
Here is a direct link to some great research on the issue, and this was done by a secular researcher and not a FUNdamental (http://www.heritage.org/Research/Family/upload/85273_1.pdf). Also, thanks for admitting that you have a porn problem, that is my point with porn! You can’t just casually watch porn and be okay and have it not become an addiction and destructive toward your relationships. When we don’t put boundaries on our sexual lives, our sexual lives will degrade to problems that we would never have thought would be a problem.
I’m not taking a grand moral stance. That makes me feel like I’m judging you or anyone who watches porn. I’m just as broken as the next person. But asking me to relax on watching porn would be like asking me to relax on you trying Meth! What is unhealthy is simply unhealthy.
Hmm, my wife and I have been watching porn together for 17 yrs. While it’s not a daily ritual it sure is a lot of fun when we do it. If you can’t put it in perspective and view it as a sex toy then you are definitely headed for trouble. Otherwise, it is just good fun.
I would wonder if you’ve ever had an honest, safe conversation with your wife about how she feels about watching porn together. I just have not met a women who does not feel objectified after watching porn. But maybe she’s different.
Thanks for your opinion. I value it and understand your perspective.
I don’t know how much pornography you have seen, but I have never finished watching a movie-ever. “How can I love you today” is an action, belief and set of words that my wife and I affirm together, too.
Just as a couple may talk, role play or use words to stimulate each other, my committed relationship with my wife works just fine with and without porn. We are not addicted to it and probably use it like a couple takes a vacation to disneyland (sorry for the comparison). For the uncommitted couple or addictive personality, you are correct, it may not help.
I respect your opinion and hope you understand that while porn can be descrtuctive to those who abuse it, It’s not heroin for a committed couple. It certainly hasn’t destroyed our relationship…quite the contrary. It probably was another factor that rescued it from boredom.
Keep up the good work!
Marriage is about oneness — each completing the other. Sexual intimacy is an aspect of that but not the focal point of it. The more the focus of the relationship is sex and not oneness, the more difficulties you can anticipate in the relationship.
Scripture makes it clear, but if that’s not enough authority for you, the latest neuroscience is also building that indicates that pornography is not harmless, even when it’s an agreement between husband and wife.
My eyes are for my wife only and my wife is for my eyes only. We do not invite anyone else — fictional or real — into our intimate marriage relationship. That is the way God designed it to be, and I challenge anyone to prove otherwise.
porn takes our mind to fantasy, and we can reach such hights with the fantasy that the real life we can not get what we fantisize. that is what draws us more to porn and we get deeper into the fantasy lust and loose the reality. porn is a bait of satan to take us into dark road and only fulfilment we can receive if we submit to slave master.
Pornography is addictive, progressive and destructive. I am an addict in recovery the past 7 years. I realized after using pornography for many years that “it had me” instead of me just using it. I now help facilitate a faith based men’s accountability group, and while I haven’t heard everything, I’ve heard more than most of you want to know.
Using pornography in form is a bad idea. Pornography will rob you of the intimacy with your spouse because if focuses on the physical, and will turn you into yourself. For the woman, will often lead to extra marital affairs (emotional and/or physical). It will also steal your joy.
There’s much more that can be said, but I’ll keep it short. Pornography use by anyone is DESTRUCTIVE.
Great insight Ed. I really appreciate your honesty and the kindness in your words. It is always more helpful when someone shares their own experience, keep up the good work!
This book I read with my husband called, “Love and Pornography” has such a positive approach that opened my world up to deal with porn instead of making it more confining.
Authors Victoria Prater and Garry Prater are open and honest and it was fun to read, and learn how to experience new things together.
When I did a search for their resource, I found this very interesting post on FoxNews:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,251728,00.html
I’m still searching them out and will hopefully respond when I find out more about them. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Michael,
We became aware of this discussion through Google Alerts and thought we would respond to give you our point of view.
Our book describes how porn challenged our marriage and how my wife and I turned it into a valuable learning experience. You can find more at our website, GetHelpwithPorn.com. As one technique in our process, we experimented with watching porn together as a way to talk and learn about our feelings. We worked hard in letting go of right and wrong labels because we were more curious about what’s important to each of us about porn. My wife was able to express what made her so uncomfortable with porn and I was able to understand it more clearly than before when I heard it as a shaming/blaming message.
In addition, we both were able to see more clearly what I was after when looking at porn (not as obvious as one would think). Through a deeper understanding of my own, and my wife’s, feelings and needs, we connected with each other on a deeper level and were able to find our way out of the porn dilemma.
We appreciate your great site and the opportunity to discuss this challenging topic. Please contact me if you would like to review our book. Thank you.
when we dated, my wife and I looked at porn together and enjoyed it. After 21 years of marriage and two teen sons, we still enjoy watching porn.
For the couple who thinks they need new ideas on technique and position from p0rn, let me say that one partner or both spouses can be harmed by the images portrayed on video and in sex-help books. These images are seared into the brain like a hot branding iron on a baby steer’s hindquarter. P0rn videos may seem harmless, but God wants what is best for us and the least bit of lust towards anyone other than your spouse caries a severe warning in Matthew 5.
Ten years after watching these protrayals, they wont seem so harmless and will bring up jealosy, rage, low self-esteem and a poor sense of what is righ or wrong in a marriage.
My Husband’s addiction to pornography has destroyed my marriage and my self-esteem. So much so that I was willingly engaging in activities with other couples and threesomes. We are still married. I, alone and together have gone to counseling and he for a short time attended a sex addiction recovery group. I am broken. I have sinned and I am ashamed. I feel porn equals disaster.
Thanks for your honesty Jennifer, and I just wanted to encourage you that God is a loving and forgiving God. If you ask to be restored, He will do it! =] No one is free from hurt, disappointment, and regret. We all live with this crud in our lives, but Jesus is the great healer, so just make sure and grant Him access to your wounds through prayer and Christian community.
I am a single woman who plans to marry one day. I hope to have a fulfilling marriage both physically and otherwise. After reading all of the posts, both for and against porn, something was missing.
Though porn may be only fantasy to you and your spouse, the people in the movies are very real. Do you ever think of the people in the movies? The porn industry attracts broken, abused and often otherwise emotionally scarred people and manipulates and lures them with the promise of fame and money (similar to other sex industries).
Can you honestly in good conscience support an industry that is nothing more than legalized prostitution (money for sex)?
Sex is not meant to be a voyeuristic activity, it is a private and sacred act between one man and one woman!
Just because through the use of technology we are able to view these images after the fact does not make it any more right than if we were sit in a room and watch people have sex in person. How is porn any different?
Before we can ask is porn ok to watch in your marriage, shouldn’t we ask is porn ok period? Would this be an acceptable “career” for your own sons and daughters?
Great thoughts Toni! I totally agree, and personalizing it to our own sons and daughters makes a lot of sense. The industry is so abusive to women and men, how could we ever in good conscience support them? Thanks for your input.
Michael, thanks for this open and honest forum. I can hardly believe I clicked on the link to this question. You site is so human and encouraging, and here I am!
I praise the Lord for His wisdom, and may we all seek His eternal sacred love!
Isaac
The article by the priest was interesting, but I don’t think that he is qualified to comment really – he is not even married or in a sexual relationship. Not only that, but this is just his opinion – where is the empirical evidence. As an academic, and a Christian, I have make some effort to read about this issue, but there is no conclusive evidence either way from what I can see. Just because a few people become addicted, it doesn’t automatically mean that it is evil or that every person who has watched it has become addicted or will do so.
Having said that, I agree that pornography can be addictive, but I am not sure that it needs to be demonized. The Church, (esp. American Church) tends to be pretty ‘high and mighty’ about the issue of sexuality, making it out to be some God ordained and sacred act. Sex is a good thing and a gift, not some religious act – rather it is primarily about making babies, forming a connection between a couple, and having some fun too! Certainly there is something special about it for a committed couple, but it is no more spiritual than breathing air or taking a walk down the street.
As consenting adults, married couples should be able to decide for themselves what is appropriate, not be told what is OK and what is not. Whether you agree with porn or not, you do not have a right to tell others how to conduct themselves in marriage. It should be judged on an individual basis based on its effect on the marriage…
Remember also, that there are also different types of what might be classified as pornography. My wife and I have watched some pretty erotic foreign films which we have found to be fun and useful for our sexual relationship, but neither of us like the ‘debby does dallas’ kind of porn that some are into. We have had open discussions about what we feel OK about issues like masturbation, pornography, etc and come to an respectful and loving decision based on each others needs and feelings. This has come from experimenting with the boundaries within the frame of our value set, and being brave enough to confront our fears and question our assumptions. We don’t feel OK about rampant porn, but feel OK about erotic and quite sensual films. Having said that, this is not an overly regular event for us.
There are shades of grey and as adults we need to decide what is beneficial for our relationships…..even the Apostle Paul said that everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. I live by that and use my mature adult judgment to decide what is best.
I used to think watching porn was good as you could learn different positions and ideals to enhance sex-but the problem is that women do many things in porn movies that many women dont want to do and find degrading-and even unsanitary and painful-when you watch these you want your wife to do these things and if she wont it can be problem-you may respond to her wishes with love and respect but deep down there are still those desires-deep down will you resent that your wife wont do these things and envy for women that will-and besides finding porn that features just one man and one woman in scenes is almost impossible
Guys,Guys,n women also,
What are we forgetting?Intimacy,design by God for couples.This pleasure God gave to us,sexually,was designed out of his love for us.He did not say,”I will add” and if he did add,it was his son,to show how much he loved us.If my wife fell ill or became disable,I would still love her very intimately.Pornography,whether little or alot,takes your eyes of your spouse period.Remember satan has been good at what he does best,(deception)he’s been doing it over 2,000 yrs.The only thing thats adding to your marriage thru pornography,is disaster.C’mon just love your spouses the way Jesus loved the church,”Agape”
I must say that I am some what confused that any person who seeks to do the will of God would think that God would approve of watching porn. When Christ returns is that what you want to be engaged in at that moment? Is that what you want him to see you doing?
It is my view that this is clearly the work of satan. It starts with 2 women kissing each other on an awards show in front of millions of viewers and creeps it’s way subtly into our homes that we then think it’s normal and ok.
This is a struggle for most men and we would look for any “out” to be able to get to do what we want to.
Porn is so privately excess able that we think no one is watching us and there is no shame in getting it because no one sees us. It’s not like having to ask for the magazine behind the clerk’s shoulder while there are 10 people in line behind you.
I really cannot believe we are having this discussion… really thankful for men like Michael Smalley who speak the truth in love. I don’t know about you, but as a Christian, I do my best to live a life that pleases God… I’m reminded of Col 3:17, “whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord” … yikes! Seriously… can you sit there watching porn in the name of the Lord… to His glory? And then 1 Cor 6:18 says to “shun immorality and all sexual looseness [flee from impurity in thought, word, or deed].” I don’t know if there’s any wiggle room there… thought – word – deed… hmmm
My Michael: thought you might like this new video we made at Covenant Eyes. Tells a good story about how pornography can break a marriage and how God can restore it.
http://www.the-intimate-couple.com/index.html
Thank you for this. I’m new to you as I’ve just typed in google, “is it ok for christian couples to watch porn” LOL I’m very pleased to have so much perspective out there.
When I first approached my husband about me secretly viewig porn for the past two months, he was able to open up and admit that he had been secretly buying and watching online porn for two years. I’m glad that this is now out in the open and we talk about it often. I’m no prude. I enjoy sex. Alot. This has opened up many opportunities to ‘jump each other’
On the other hand – as a survivor of child-sexual abuse – it conflicted me greatly to see these woman demoralised. Because I didnt grow up looking at any porn at all I was shocked to see how a few ‘clicks’ can get you from looking at ‘consensual sex’ to looking at full blown disgusting hurtful & demoralising behaviours. This is why I’ve backed off porn also.
I now read literotica a little and this tickles my taste buds to chase after my ever patient husband…. Because I’m more often aroused and enjoy sex ALOT more (ie: every other day as opposed to every other month) then his need for to watch porn has backed off immensely and I totally am the object of his affection
)
I’m still in the middle about this one… Thinking on it and praying on it but i’m sure God will give me clarity and this website has been helpful also. Thanks Smalley’s!
xl_mama – Australia
Hi Michael,
As a couple we are grateful to be able to help other couples and young adults wade through some of the misconceptions and minefields relating to sex and marriage–as we pursue God’s design revealed in Scripture.
Honestly, we have never met any couple (ourselves included) where any exposure or addiction to porn has brought genuine benefit and/or deepened authentic intimacy between them.
We liken intimacy to an iceberg: when people hear the term “intimacy” they think of sex–much like the tip of the iceberg. However, 90% is found below the surface! Emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy define the vast majority of the iceberg.
Using this analogy, couples viewing porn together may experience a temporary improvement in sex itself; yet there will certainly be an erosion of intimacy–emotional, intellectual, and spiritual dynamics are eroded and negatively impacted by viewing pornography!
Jim and Carrie
pls send me garysmalley’s free personality/love tests.
comparing committing murder together and watching pornography together? Really? come on. This is what turned me off of this question and this answer. Why do you Christians always take everything so far?! come on…give me a real answer. i really want to know if this is something that GOD says is wrong
I’m sorry that none of the comments above helped give you any clear direction on this issue. But God is very clear on honoring and respecting people. How anyone could ever say that porn is honoring to the actors, viewers, or victims would be beyond me. TV and movies try and glamorize it, but if you’ve ever spent event 5 minutes with a former porn person, then you’d know immediately that the industry is disgusting in how it treats people and it’s audience.
Bible verses to look up: Matthew 5:28 1
Corinthians 6:18-20
Hebrews 13:4
1 Corinthians 6:18
This is a big issue for me at this time. My husband has been watching porn for some time and has hid it. It really has hurt me and my self esteem. I am now seeking counselling and he ahs agreed to go. I am not sure how we will get through this but I am thankful for the information you have provided.
My wife and I are Christians. We love Christ and seek to follow him in our lives. Unfortunately, what we’ve discovered is that, while the Bible is an amazing guidebook for connecting with Christ and learning to regard others with his love and respect, it’s a really crappy guidebook when it comes to sex. Is it no wonder that the divorce rate is higher among Christians in the U.S. than it is among non-Christians? For me, the truth is that the Bible did little but fill me with shame, humiliation, and guilt when it came to my own sexuality. It was a real turning point for me when I finally let go of that, when I could finally say the Bible (especially the Apostle Paul) was just plain wrong about a few things, and that my life didn’t suddenly come crashing down. I discovered I could still honor Christ and follow him without “agreeing” with every word in the Bible, and that has provided such a great feeling of freedom and relief. In fact, it has allowed me to truly love Christ and follow him. The idol that we have made of the Bible is, I believe, one of the great sins of modern Christianity (and it IS a fairly modern development when one looks at the whole history of Christian thought).
My wife and I do occasionally enjoy porn together. She has fantasies about being with other women, and we sometimes like to indulge in that fantasy, without actually acting on it (to actually act on it would introduce too many risks to our marriage; that is what would be sinful). A lot of Christians would say we’re engaged in deeply disturbing, sinful behavior. I would just say we’re acting like grown-ups, and those Christians ought to go mind their own business. I tried their so-called “Biblical way” for 30 years. It left me empty, depressed, ashamed, afraid, emasculated, and wanting more. With some research, I also found out that the so-called “Biblical way” wasn’t very Biblical at all. It’s really just taking a few verses here and there out of both their literary and sociocultural context.
Go enjoy one another as God created you! Really, the main guiding rule when it comes to sex is, simply, don’t do anything without the other person’s consent.
Seriously? Comparing watching porn to murdering? Religious nut job alert!!!!
My husband and I have been married for two years and he has become deeply depressed due to situations beyond our control. He feels inadequate and I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that there’s nothing I can do to make him feel otherwise. His depression keeps us from being intimate for weeks and when it does “happen” can make him lose interest almost immediately. I know he’s not cheating and he feels horrible about it, which doesn’t help.
We were given a Karma Sutra instructional tape as a gag wedding gift and just recently found it and watched it. It showed 50 different positions and which are good for what etc. It really helped us – and him – be much more confident and feel like he is making me happy. He never believed before because he heard so much about women “faking it”.
Anyway, we are both Theology students and it suddenly occurred to me that video was really porn. I know it’s silly that I didn’t think of that two weeks ago, but I’m really concerned about.. sin and stuff. Any thoughts?
As a side note. We’ve had amazing sex at least once a day since then. Amazing! And my husband isn’t sullen. He helps out more, kisses me more, holds me more all day long. I know it’s too soon to tell but It’s almost like his depression has lifted. Can something that helped so much be sinful?