I too saw red flags early on in my relationship with my husband and ignored them thinking he was going to change. Unfortunately his anger issues escalated as the years pressed on to the point that I “chose” not to have children with him. After 8 years putting up with his rage, my dreams of having a family have been broken as well as my heart. He simply didn’t respect me and therefore I couldn’t trust him to build a family with him.

To the young lady with the cheating fiance: Please break off your engagement. His wedding vows to you will contain the phrase “to honor you” and he’s already not honoring you by disrespecting your relationship. There’s already an important part of the foundation for a healthy marriage which is trust. What’s going to happen when you bring children into your marriage and he’s not coming home at a normal hour? If you can’t trust him now, he’s not going to change just because you have a marriage certificate. If anything, you are giving him the okay to continue doing what he is doing and showing him that you will accept his immoral behavior.

I know that love can be blind. I had my entire family telling me on my wedding day in the back of the church not to marry my husband. I did it anyways.

You have a family of Christians here that care about you and are advising you to break of your engagement. Please seriously consider it. God wants you to have a God-centered marriage, family and home. Marrying this guy will not get you there.

One week after his engagement (which I knew nothing about at the time), he invited me to spend the weekend with him for his birthday. We live in different states, he relocated 2 years into our relationship and had asked me to relocate to be with him. Our relationship became strained, we actually broke up twice and got back together. His fiance’ actually lives in the same area that I do and I found out that he had been dating her simultaneous to dating me.

When I found out about his engagement not only did he deny it, he denied being involved with the young lady. Someone told her about his still being involved with me and of course he denied it too. I don’t know the young lady personally – an associate of mine is friends with a good friend of the young lady – that is how I found out about the engagement after the fact.

It’s my understanding that she believes the lies that he told her – even though from what I have been told, she knew of his and our past relationship – and she is planning to relocate and go through with the wedding.

This whole thing was a huge blow to me because I had been with this man for such an extended period of time and really trusted him. Both of us commuted back and forth to see one another after he relocated. We had issues, but none to the point to make me suspect he was involved with another woman to the extend of getting engaged. I literally went from being his woman to his other woman and never even knew it!

My suggestion to the woman who knows her fiance’ cheated is to leave him alone. Just from my experience and how my ex- lied so much to me and his fiance’ just baffles me. I believe in forgiveness, I even told my ex- that I wished him well. As soon as I found out about this, the first thing I did was ask God to give me the strength and courage to deal with it. There is a lot more detail involved….my ex- and I practically lived together before he relocated; I went with him to meet his new bosses; helped him select a place to stay in his new town, etc….and he still cheated, lied, and even told me he still loved me after all this happened…but he has a fiance’ !!! I think something is seriously wrong when a person can not be faithful after they make a commitment to marry someone..it is an indication of their TRUE character…people have a way of only showing their GOOD side…but if you pray and ask God to help you see the person for who they truly are…HE will!

Pray for God to give you an answer…

The first time my fiance cheated on me, I tried to move past it. One year later he did it again and this time while I was pregnant. A friend guilted me into giving him a chance to be a good father.

He IS trying to be a better person but I don’t trust him, I never will. I always look for signs that he is cheating again, I have no sex drive anymore because he cheated on me because I couldnt have sex during my pregnancy. I’m afraid that if he cheats again our daughter will find out and she will never trust men. He swears he isnt the same person but deep down I fear he will decide he doesnt want to work at being a good man any longer. Part of me hates him, part of me hates myself for not leaving. It’s exhausting.

I’ve heard anger is like taking poison while waiting for the other person to die. It’s true. The constant mistrust I have for him eats away at me with each minute he is late coming home from work or if he is gone to the grocery store a moment to long. It’s destroying me.

We have shared debt now with our daughter and I cannot leave and care for my daughter too so I stay with a man I do not trust who I know can’t honestly be happy since I have no interest in intimacy anymore. Do not accept betrayal from someone you love as a part of life. Find someone who loves you enough to be faithful.

I agree that God can do all things but I also know we have to beleive in Him to receive help and most of all we have to recognize when we need help and ask for it. While I should have asked these questions when he showed himself to me early on, I feel it’s never too late to make a change.

Please pray for me that I will have the courage needed to follow the guidance that God has provided and continue to seek his plan for my life. God Bless You and your family.

Nilsa

I have read many of the replies posted here and most are very black and white. The only problem with that is that love is not logical.

While it IS of paramount importance that we strive to walk out and seek out the Lord’s plan for our lives (which includes seeking out the person God has for us and being sure to make prayerful decisions) it is not so simple to just walk away from our shattered dream and dismiss a person’s iniquity with the phrase “once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater” (which equates to NO HOPE)… that would be like God saying to a person coming to the cross for salvation “once a sinner, always a sinner – no hope for you..” ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS YOU. If this young lady has prayerfully sought the Lord and is certain this man is the one God has chosen for her, it is important for the two to walk through this problem together – as the Lord may be doing a very early work in their relationship that will be a testiment later on. If she is not certain he is the right man, she must first seek the Lord. She must continue to seek the Lord until she is able to move forward with clear direction from Him.

The hurt, disgrace, regret, sorrow, heartbreak, fear, rejection and lonliness that has been inflicted upon her due to this unfortunate circumstance will not be left unanswered by a just and loving God. This young man will reap a harvest from that which he has sown, and this young lady will surely receive double for her trouble as long as she allows the Lord to make her better not bitter. Praying the best of success for those involoved in this situation as heartache is not easily overcome. I pray compassion, wisdom, and faith unto these people.

You can find out what kind of love they have in their heart before getting romantically entangled. Most people don’t know how. Ask God. He wants marriages to glorify Him but He lets us choose anyway. Be careful who you give your free gift of absolute unconditional lifetime commitment to. I don’t necessarily recommend she give up on this guy, but she ought to tell him what kind of love she believes marriage should be about and ask him if he has absolute unconditional love in his heart right now. Seems he has proven the kind of love in his heart is the kind that fails (dictionary).

This kind of person usually has an anger problem. His lust problem is obvious. He is looking to a human and other worldly pleasures to make him happy. It won’t work. It is no fun giving unconditional love to someone who doesn’t return it, someone who blames you for their wrong behavior and choices. Add children and bills into the mix and his selfishness will be much more obvious and he will merely blame others for his stress and outbursts or mental or physical adultery. No one needs God to experience romance. Only because of Jesus can anyone offer true absolute unconditional love. If she is a Christian, she is commanded NOT to marry an unbeliever.

A tree is known by its fruit. If this man is a believer and she still wants to give her free gift of absolute unconditional love to him for a lifetime no way out, then she needs to give him space to repent in a very serious way. She should drop all contact 100% after telling him of her definition of love and God’s roles for husbands and wives and the divine purpose for marriage and that he can only be happy in marriage doing it God’s way. If he is truly sorry and truly a believer who desires to obey God out of thankfulness for the free gift of Salvation, then he will repent and prove it in time. She is not to find anyone else. Flirting got her into this mess in the first place.

Those who flirt to arrive at engagement do not trust God for romance. They trust in their emotions and usually do not ask mentors to inspect the heart of suitors before they allow themselves to get emotionally addicted to someone. I suspect she is emotionally addicted and after 10 years of living with this lustful adulterous man and dealing with his impatience with the children and irresponsible financial maneuvers, her “love” will fade and die. She can find out if her love is God’s love through her that will never fail, or dictionary love that fails.

If there is ANY reason whatever that she would think divorce would be necessary someday if he did the unthinkables A,B,C, then she does not have God’s love to give. If she is not willing to submit to his God given leadership of the home 100% in all areas, trusting God to protect her or the kids, then she will be moody and argumentative and often disrespectful and push him away eventually. Few men love their kids enough to stay and put up with a grumpy wife depressed over marital disappointment. Christian dating is a new phenomena and it is failing Christians and marriages and children. It is of the world and there is little to no safety in it.

Breaking up is of the world too, but if the man is an unbeliever, she has no choice. God would have told her to run away from him before the first date had she asked. If he is a believer, then her cutting off the relationship until either he repents for real or a strong believer asks for her hand in marriage that will never fail 100% guaranteed. She needs to ask herself if her love is merely an addiction, a form of idolatry (he will make me happy or I can make him happy). She can spend her freedom from this relationship for the next year or two in learning life skills and growing closer to the only true source of happiness, peace, and security Jesus Christ.

She won’t be doing her fiance any favors by enabling his lust problem with rushed forgiveness before true repentance has been proven to her and many others especially her parents, her future inlaws, her pastor, the elders or other mentors. There is safety in the multitude of counselors. She sought no ones mentoring before beginning this romance I am guessing. Why are so many people afraid to ask the BIG questions about character & faith before they get emotionally bonded? Fear of rejection or offending? They do that later in their marriage anyway, there is no escape. Why not expose poor character early when people are motivated to do something about it.

After the wedding day, motivation goes way way way down. Sold! As is, no warranty. We reap what we sow. Be smart girl, don’t go looking for a husband, but don’t marry this guy anytime soon. Give him a chance to repent. God will bring another man to be your husband if He knows your current fiance will not fully repent. His emotional apologies and promises do not represent true repentance. You are biased. Get your dad and a lot of others to interview him and watch him like a hawk for a couple months, but only if your fiance is willing to submit to open scrutiny. If he is not, why would he submit to God’s commands in how to treat a wife and children? If he is sorry for real, he will submit to examination and ask for a LOT of help to stop sinning. You are young. Impatient people are not that much fun being married to.

Don’t be impatient in this. There is NO biblical grounds for divorce despite what some tell you and what some bible interpretations say. If we cannot lose our free gift of salvation, then no one can lose the free gift of lifetime commitment that was promised to them on their wedding day. If you give your fiance real room to repent (no dating or phone calls etc till all your and his mentors say you both are ready to glorify God with your union), then you are blessing him beyond measure. Allow him to get away with this through premature forgiveness, then he will suffer terribly with guilt and your mistrust, and worse consequences.

Allow him to be set free of this sin God’s way and you both will be blessed. Don’t rescue him. True love doesn’t enable. He needs time to repent and prove it. Don’t even think about other men right now. No female needs to look for a husband or fantasize about who it will be. God will let her know when the time is right. Allow your fiance time to get strong enough to resist the flirtations of loose women. In the future he may just look at pictures, but its all adultery. Jesus said thoughts count too. We are all guilty of adultery as defined in Matthew, which leaves no way out of marriage for it, but who did it first and how. Matthew 5:32 and 19:9. Only those who think we can give humans a different kind of love and forgiveness than God gives us believe God is OK with divorce (for those who were Biblically available on their wedding day).

Adam and Eve had no one else to date or marry if they broke up. A covenant is supposed to be a two way street. Make sure you are building your house (marriage) on the rock of Jesus and not the sand of emotions. If your fiance is not saved (church elders and pastor and other Christian mentors can investigate if he will submit to it. If he won’t that is proof he is rebellious and secretive and doesn’t think you are worth the trouble and embarassment and isn’t really that sorry about his adultery).

Break off any romance with an unbeliever immediately and never start another with one. They won’t be happy being married to you. Your parenting standards will be far too different and it will matter a lot. Jesus defined adultery as lustful thoughts as well as fornication whether married or not. This is serious. Do not put your emotions over God’s commands. He wants to keep you safe and wants your marriage to draw others to Him by example of peaceful, joyful, unconditional love and great teamwork. Your fiance is not capable of this yet.

Give him space and time. Involvement with you will delay this process. Get into a ministry and learn life skills to keep yourself busy. God promised to not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear and always provides a way of escape from temptation. No believer is a slave to sin. Jesus set us free indeed! He came that we might have life abundantly. That is not possible with a marriage suffering mistrust and insecurity about staying married for life. The kids will suffer terribly from this atmosphere.

If you love the kids you haven’t had yet, please trust God for a husband one way or another. Avoid all flirters. Don’t flirt. Flirting is to keep marriage strong, not to arrive at the wedding altar! You don’t have to break off the engagement yet if he claims to be a believer, but there will have to be a serious intense time of him seeking much accountability and help and training in being a godly husband and father and provider. If he is a believer, he will welcome the help.

I also believe in mercy and grace. But she still can show mercy and grace and still not marry him. If she is entertaining the thought of keeping the relationship, then she needs to require solo counseling on his part as well as joint counseling. In marriage, each spouse brings in enough baggage that they must learn to work through. His act of betrayal now brings an enormous amount of unnecessary baggage to this relationship. What a horrible way to begin a marital relationship. She will be wondering if he is really meaning his “I Do’s”. Is it really worth it to her? Is he really worth it? Is she really ready for this long difficult road? Difficult questions to ask while in pain but necessary. If they were married already, this would be an entirely different conversation. But she has an opportunity to decide what is best for her life with no strings of attachment.

“I thought it was a general question. Yes, if they are NOT married yet, they should NOT get married. She should get some counseling so she can appreciate the bullet she has missed by not being committed for life to this loser. This is just one more reason why you should save sex for marriage.

She is more bonded to him than she would have been, I believe, because of the physical relationship. If you are involved on that level, you want to overlook danger signs and rationalize almost any kind of bad behavior to “give it one more chance” and will unfortunately often ignore the advice of those who love you because you are more invested in the guy. He keeps you a bit jealous so he can have the emotional upper hand and have all the benefits of a long-term relationship along with the license to run around at will.

She should RUN in the opposite direction, get some counseling to find out why she got involved with someone like that and then not get involved with anyone else for at least a year. And thank God every day that she got the wake up call before marriage.

My friend’s situation was very different because it was a one time thing, he was remorseful and knew he loved his wife and child and needed to work on the marriage. Big difference.”

“I’ve also known married people who have worked it out. My own parents among them. But this couple is not married. And getting married won’t fix this. What concerns me most is that this seems to be an indication that she’s more invested than he is. And she’s still madly in love with him. It’s hard for a woman to love more than she is loved. Think about what happens after marriage when men go back to their “normal” lives and are no longer in pursuit mode. That’s tough enough for couples who had an idyllic dating experience, but if the romance portion of their love story contains infidelity, it’s going to be that much harder for her to hang in there when the going’s rough.

It’s not undoable. But that also doesn’t mean that it’s wise to do, or good to do.”

“I have friends who are Christians and who had their 30th anniversary this year. They dealt with infidelity and worked it out. They have one of the strongest marriages I know now days. This happened more than 20 years ago. It took a LOT of forgiveness but the work to restore faith and love was worth it.”

“I think it needs to be a matter of conscience where working it out goes. They are not married. Joseph was gracious to Mary when he wanted to put her away privately (end their engagement) for what he supposed was her sexual violation of their betrothal. That was merciful for him to do. The difference is that in Mary’s case, she hadn’t been unfaithful at all.

I think it’s important to separate this young lady ending her engagement (which I feel is warranted in her situation, but that’s for her to decide) from the idea of passing judgment on the young man. Whether she stays or goes, the act was sinful yet he’s no more or less sinful than any of the rest of us. I feel he’s not ready for marriage based on his actions. That doesn’t mean that I think he’s not ready to be reconciled to God. My advice to not take him back does not include condemning him or not forgiving him.

For her own sake, I hope she forgives. But forgiveness, trust and reconciliation are three separate things. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to trust someone or that you have to take them back. It means you release them from the debt their sin creates. It means you let go of the bitterness and resentment. It means that you let God work in your heart so that you can want good for them instead of what’s coming to them. It’s a process, not an event.

What I would hate to see is for her to feel pressured – because she is a Christian – to take him back. That’s an unfair burden to place on a person who has just received such a blow and still loves this man despite his failure to honor and be faithful to her.

He does need help and he does need a second chance. But that’s for God to give him. No one should require the person he hurt to give him those things.”

LaDonna Stewart Jensen

“If you are both Christians I say you have to try. If your a mixed religious couple with one not a Christian then I say God has something better for you and you should be single until he brings the right one in your path. Ultimately God wants us to be happy and we have to ask ourselves, “Did God bring this person into my life?” If the answer is yes then you trust it.”

James Duncan

“I feel she should break off the engagement as this guy has already shown his character and the fact that he will not be true to her. If she were marry him she would be just asking for unhappiness.”

Melissa Barr Smith

“I agree with you Melanie!! Your thoughts very similar to mine that I left on the go smalley website.

This is so sad and terribly hurtful but thankfully there is no marriage yet and no kids!

Praying for this lady and this man that she may get through the hurt and go on to love a faithful man and have a beautiful marriage and praying for this man that he may see his mistake and go on to have a faithful relationship with someone else.”

“My thoughts….once a cheater always a cheater. It will not change…if he is willing to do this to you right now, while engaged then he is willing to do this to you when you are married. Sorry to hear that he has been such a jerk to you, but it is better to break it off now when there is no kids involved than to break it off when you are married and have kids. I will be praying for you.”

Melanie Bee