Tag Archives: affairs

A surprising way to a stronger marriage – the truth can be difficult

Posted on October 11, 2010 by in Marriage

You do not want to hear what we are about to say. Before we say it, please understand our pleasure and our burden is loving couples in crisis. We sit with individuals much like you and our hearts ache when we see you suffer. The hurt you feel is real and we are so sorry you are currently going through relational pain or you will most likely experience it soon. Our encouragement to you is learn what you can do to prepare for, grow from, and mature through your pain. Sometimes the most difficult thing to recognize is that you may not have control over your circumstances but you do have control over who you are in them.

Focusing on who you are in the middle of hurtful circumstances is one of the most challenging and rewarding benefits of being a Christ follower. It means you have to let go of what people (especially your spouse) have done to you and focus on what you have done to them or what your attitude has been toward them. If no one is perfect, then everyone can always figure out their part in any conflict. We are never completely innocent in conflict. There is always something we could have done better. This book is about helping you learn how to focus on your own reactions to conflict so you can create an environment for your marriage to thrive.

John and Kris (all names in this book have been changed for privacy, so any names that seem familiar is only coincidence) came to our Marriage Restoration Intensive (MRI) because of John’s affair. If you have not heard about our MRI program, just go to www.gosmalley.com to learn more about how we help couples in conflict. In brief, the MRI program is either a one-day or two-day intensive where couples from all over the country come to Houston, Texas to get help. The intensive format is extremely successful in helping couples in crisis turn their marriage around and stay together and increase their overall marital satisfaction.

We get lots of couples dealing with the devastating effects of an affair. John and Kris were no different. Kris found out about the affair when the woman involved with her husband called her to confess what was happening. What a phone call that must have been! Could you imagine having the woman who was sleeping with your husband call you out-of-the-blue to confess because she was feeling guilty!

Kris was devastated, as any woman should be after getting a call from the mistress of her husband. They initially tried to help themselves through several different books, but their issues were too big to deal with alone. They eventually called us and got scheduled for a MRI with me (Michael). I will never forget this intensive because of the incredible lack of personal responsibility not assumed throughout the intensive.

The MRI was pretty normal through the first half of the day together. Kris was hurting and was lashing out significantly at John for having the affair. This is not abnormal, so I let her get what she needed off her chest. But she was really letting him have it and he was sitting there taking it all on for more than half the day. John was actually quite kind and accepting of his mistake and I could see how bad he felt.

After lunch I was ready to get Kris moving forward and wanted to help her begin the process of forgiveness, but Kris was uninterested in this part of the process. She could not let go of the fact that John had cheated on her. I never want to allow anyone to get out of control during an intensive when sharing hurt feelings. I just do not believe it is productive to handle ourselves in a way that is dishonoring, no matter how hurt we are by a situation. I had to repeatedly interrupt Kris and help her find a different, less aggressive way to word how she felt. It got so bad after lunch that I finally began to get frustrated with her and was becoming impatient with her lack of forgiveness. Even though my wife has never cheated on me, I can understand how miserable an affair must feel. But Kris was really giving it to her husband – one slashing statement after another.

I finally had to take drastic steps to help Kris regain control and to start thinking about her side of the affair. That’s right, there are always two sides to an affair. Rarely does a married person have an affair when the marriage is extremely healthy! This is important to understand. Affairs do not generally happen to happily married couples. An affair simply points out that something was broken in the marriage. This does not mean an affair is a good way to respond to a broken marriage, because it is not. An affair is an incredibly stupid way to respond to a hurting marriage. It only makes everything worse! But that doesn’t mean the person who had the affair was the only person doing anything wrong in the marriage.

I stopped Kris during one of her blasting statements toward John and asked her simply, “What was your part in this affair?” As you can imagine, this was not a question that Kris wanted to say. For a brief moment, I became the focus of her anger and hurt. But when she stopped, I simply asked her again, “What was your part?” She looked at me and said, “I had no part, this is all his fault!” Her statement was not a complete surprise to me, but I had to get her to somehow figure out what she had done wrong in the marriage. So I asked the question in a different way, “Have you ever done anything hurtful in your marriage toward John?” She answered quickly, “I don’t know.”

Now that answer surprised me a little. I could not believe that she was unaware of any past mistakes of her own in the marriage. I looked at John and asked, “Has she ever hurt you in the past?” He looked over at his wife and said, “Can I tell him about the affair you had?”

What! I truly did not believe what I was hearing. “Is it true that she had an affair?” At this point Kris finally looked at me and said, “Yes, but that was almost two-years ago!” Like somehow the fact that she’d cheated on her husband almost two-years ago was not as big of a deal as her husband cheating on her recently! “So let me get this straight. I’ve been listening to you crush your husband for well over four hours because he had an affair. And this entire time you’ve not felt like it was important to tell me that you have also had an affair?” She answered, “I didn’t think it was relevant.”

Friends, your dysfunction is very relevant to the relationship. When we cannot see our own faults, then our most precious relationships suffer dramaticly. The reality is when we fail to take ownership of our own problems, we will blame our spouse of theirs. I spent over four hours listening to Kris trash her husband for cheating on her, and yet, she had also cheated on him. I finally understood why it was so hard for her to forgive him, because his affair was only highlighting her own affair. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she was just as guilty and messed up as him.
We want to let you in on a little secret about all of us. We are all messed up! One of our favorite things to do at the beginning of a seminar is to ask the audience to take a look around at all the people sitting around them. Then we say, “Do you see all these people? They are sick people.” One of the excuses individuals give for avoiding an enrichment seminar is that they do not want other people to know their marriage may be in trouble. Let us ease your mind on this issue, every marriage is in trouble at some point because every marriage is filled with broken, sinful individuals.

In 1 Kings 8:46 we read, “When they sin against you—and they certainly will; there’s no one without sin!” Circle in your book “no one without sin”. The bad news is that we are all infected with this thing called sin. It is our brokenness, our heartache, our mistakes, selfishness, and disconnection from God. The good news is that we are all infected by sin! We are all in this thing together so we can have compassion on each other. We all need grace and forgiveness. There is no one person better than the other and so we all need to take ownership of our own junk. We can be gracious and merciful toward our spouse because we need and desire that same graciousness and mercy. Do not let the knowledge of your sin tear you down, but instead allow it to help you be more humble and loving toward your spouse and others.

When we ignore our sinfulness the divisiveness of pride, impatience, and prejudice are soon to follow. All three of these consequences disconnect us from our spouse. Pride separates us because we are too consumed by what we deserve to see what our spouse needs. Impatience draws us apart because of our irritable and snappy attitudes revealing our focus on our spouse’s issues and irritants. Being judgmental disconnects us because, frankly, who wants to hang out someone who has predetermined exactly what you mean, your intentions, and who you are. No one enjoys being judged, especially our spouse.

A Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage – Disclaimer

Posted on October 4, 2010 by in Marriage

Our newest book is “A Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage: how the power of one changes everything!”  This book is the culmination of working many years with couples in conflict through our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.  It is the most powerful thing a person can do to positively impact/influence their marriage.  We want to be perfectly clear on the intended audience for this book. A Simple Solution to a Happy Marriage is for the normal marriage struggling with common issues that prevent the kind of intimacy most couples desire. Our book is not intended for anyone struggling in an abusive marriage. If your marriage has any of the following issues, then you are possibly in an abusive marriage:

  • Any kind of physical abuse like hitting or shoving.
  • Any kind of verbal abuse like character assassinations, threats of violence or other physical harm. It is important to understand that simply yelling at each other is not necessarily verbal abuse, but when the language becomes threatening and violent, then you are experiencing verbal abuse.
  • Someone in a marriage with a spouse who is dealing with a serious personality disorder as diagnosed by a Psychiatrist, medical doctor, or psychologist.
  • Any kind of criminal activity.
  • Any kind of drug/alcohol addiction.
  • Any kind of serial infidelity, where your spouse is committing multiple affairs.
  • Any kind of money laundering, draining of bank accounts without your permission, or hiding massive credit card debt from you.

The reason we wanted to list some of these major issues out at the beginning of our book is because personal responsibility will look very different to someone struggling with the above mentioned problems. We would never advocate for someone to remain in a marriage where abuse is taking place in any of its forms. Safety is always your main concern when dealing with the issues mentioned in this disclaimer.

This book is for the vast majority of marriages that do not involve abuse or other complex and dangerous problems. These issues absolutely need the intervention of a police officer or professionally trained counselor.

The DNA of Relationships: Relationship Revolution! Part 1

Posted on September 15, 2010 by in Conflict Resolution, Marriage

Life is relationships; the rest is just details.
This is the greatest truth. Everything in life that truly matters can be boiled down to relationships. Almost everything we do touches a relationship in some way. Just think about your day. Whether you’re at home or at work, driving your car, playing, exercising, shopping, vacationing, worshipping at church, or doing any one of the many activities you and I do everyday, we are constantly involved with people. We even interact with people in our sleep. There is no escaping relationships.

That is why for the past thirty-five years, I have felt passionate about helping couples, families, and individuals to strengthen, deepen, and enrich their most important relationships. That is what God has called me to do.

In this quest to improve relationships, I am always searching for what works and identifying what doesn’t work. I love to take relationship theories, apply it to my own relationships, and see if it works for me personally. It makes no difference to me if I make the discovery on my own or if the new relationship idea comes from someone else. I’m always hunting.

So for three and a half decades I have traveled all over the world, delivering my message about how to improve relationships. Everywhere I go, I meet people who tell me that one of my conferences or one of my videos or books has helped save their marriage or improve their friendships or reconnect with family members. I feel deeply humbled and grateful for each of these encouraging reports.

Yet I also frequently hear something else, not quite so thrilling. Many people take me aside to say, “I watched your videos—but I lost my marriage.” Or, “I read your book—but my wife still left me.” Or, “I tried your material—but things just didn’t work out.” Whenever I hear stories like these, a deep sadness fills my heart. I know my message has helped a lot of people, but I also know it hasn’t helped everyone. That’s why I’m constantly on the lookout for anything that really works for the vast majority of people I meet.

A Revolutionary Discovery
Two years ago, while searching for information to improve relationships, I made what I now believe is the greatest discovery of my lifetime. Interestingly, it happened right under my nose, in my own backyard. It came from my son Greg’s marriage counseling and research center, the Smalley Marriage Institute.
Soon after Greg earned his doctorate in psychology, he began assembling a team of professional counselors, headed by Robert Paul. Almost immediately they started hearing reports, both encouraging and challenging, about my ministry. People told they that they loved the books and videos and conferences—but many said they wanted more. They needed someone to come alongside them, to get “life-on-life” with them, and to help them put our material into practice.
Greg, Bob, and their highly trained relationship experts began doing what they call “marriage intensives,” where couples on the brink of divorce come for two or four days of intensive work on their relationships. While I wholeheartedly endorsed Greg and Bob’s efforts, at that point I didn’t get deeply involved. I left them alone to do their good work.

But when team recently finished its first five-year study of the couples who came for the intensives, the results were staggering. The team found that 93 percent of the couples are still together—and thriving in solid, healthy relationships! Take a moment to digest that amazing number: That’s a success rate of better than nine in ten! When highly distressed couples learned and applied the material you’re about to read, 93 percent of them not only managed to keep their marriages intact but also have reported much higher satisfaction with their relationships!

After hearing such glowing accounts, I finally decided that I had to find out for myself what was going on. The team penciled me in to take part in both a four-day intensive and a two-day intensive. What I saw was nothing short of amazing. I haven’t been the same since.

As the intensives began, I observed angry couples who couldn’t even stand to look at each other. They refused to hold hands. Many clearly didn’t even want to be there. Tears flowed freely from both the men and the women. I heard wrenching details of illicit affairs and habitual cheating, of serious financial problems, of fierce arguments and violent shouting matches.

Let me share the story of one couple to illustrate what I mean. Jim and Mary were at the end of their rope. After fifteen years of marriage and three children, the couple came to the marriage intensive as a final attempt to salvage their marriage. I heard Jim say that if the marriage intensive didn’t change things, he was going to file for divorce the following week.

To me their situation felt impossible. I wondered if they had any chance at all. They sat glaring at each other, hostility and tension written all over them.
The first years of their marriage had been reasonably good, but as Jim became increasing involved in work and Mary became focused on the kids, their relationship began to spiral into worsening emotional distance, combined with periodic angry outbursts toward one another. Mary felt Jim abandoned her, and she did everything she could to get him to talk about their problems and to work with her to make their marriage and family better. In response to Mary’s pursuit, Jim grew cold, and at the time they entered the intensive, he admitted that he had lost all feelings of love toward Mary. He talked about being so tired of her trying to control his every movement and to manipulate him to do the marriage her way. Over the years they had sought help from several marriage counselors and a pastor, but nothing seemed to make any lasting difference.

The final straw was when Mary discovered that Jim was having an affair with a coworker. Mary felt completely devastated and deeply betrayed. The pain of losing her husband to another woman felt like the death of a loved one. She felt totally alone. But most of all, she felt helpless to keep Jim from this other woman. Mary had seriously considered ending the marriage, but her faith in God and her concern for her children caused her to look for an alternative. She was unsure if she could ever forgive Jim and wondered if she could ever trust him again.

Jim felt just as confused and distraught. His love for his wife was such a distant memory that he seriously doubted whether he could ever love her again. Worst of all, he questioned whether he even wanted to try. The only reason he came to the intensive was concern for his children and a desire to be able to say that he had tried “everything” to save the marriage. Neither Jim nor Mary was overly motivated to make things work.

Before they left for the intensive, their thirteen-year-old daughter, Sandra, had left a note for them:

Dear Mom and Dad,
I don’t know how God will solve this, but I just can’t imagine my parents divorcing and our family breaking apart. Thank you for trying. Yet, I feel like a young puppy left outside in the cold with no shelter. It feels like it’s getting colder and colder each night, and winter will soon be here. The other dogs tell me that I won’t believe how cold it will get. I know the snow is coming, and I feel so helpless to find a way to keep warm. I’m so scared that I’ll freeze to death before it’s over. It’s such a terrible feeling to be alone, and to feel like no one understands what I’m going through. My friends have explained the pain I’ll feel once you divorce, and it scares me. I feel so helpless, like I’m just sitting in my room waiting for the ice storm to hit. Each day is longer and longer, and it feels darker and darker. I’m sick inside all of the time. Please keep trying!
Sandra

Before the intensive begins, the team asks each couple, “Do you believe that God could do a miracle in your marriage and provide a way for you not only to stay together but actually to fall back in love the way you once were?” During the four-day intensive, both Jim and Mary had a series of miraculous encounters that totally surprised them. They began to understand the powerful truths I will unpack for you throughout this book. As they worked through the various steps I’ll share with you, they felt a deep sense of compassion and care for the other. They hadn’t felt this way toward one another for a long time. They also became aware of several significant beliefs that had led to frustration and failure. At one point Jim said, “No wonder our marriage has felt impossible for so long.” And Mary asked with exasperation, “Why hasn’t anyone ever told us about this before?”

By the end of the four days, they both recognized they had a challenging road ahead, but they each felt tremendous hope for the future of their marriage and their family. Jim’s heart began opening to his wife, and he was overwhelmed with gratitude toward God. Mary was thrilled with a new understanding of herself, let alone Jim and their marriage. She felt the new knowledge and key skills were exactly what they needed to create a satisfying and safe marriage that both could be thrilled with. Like most couples who attend one of these intensives, after the third day, Jim and Mary were seen holding hands on the way to dinner.
When Jim and Mary arrived home, they sat down with their children. Jim began, “Kids, we have good news and some bad news. The bad news is that your mom and I will need more prayer and help with our relationship. The good news is that we are staying together. We believe with God’s help and the things we learned in the intensive that we can make it. We want this for us and for you. We love you and want to stay together as a family.”

Instantly, Sandra jumped into their arms. With tears running down her checks, her words were powerful, “Thanks for getting me out of the cold and letting me back into the warm house. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!”

The astounding turnaround just floored me. I’m in my early sixties, and this new discovery not only has changed me but also has taken me to a whole new level of understanding how to enjoy my important relationships. What Greg’s team has taught me these past few years has empowered me to determine how happy I am with each relationship, no matter what others are doing. I get to choose how fulfilled I am and that other people can’t rob me of my being full. When you finish this book, you’ll understand why I’m so excited about this new way of living.

Can you imagine my joy as I saw dozens of couples stabilize their relationships? And it made me wonder: What is the secret to these miraculous turnarounds?

(If you realize that you need one of our intensives for your marriage, then please click here for more information.)

Does Tiger Woods deserve another chance?

Posted on March 5, 2010 by in Celebrity Love, Forgiveness

The Daily Record is reporting that Tiger’s wife, Elin, is giving the marriage another try:

The wife of shamed golfer Tiger Woods is set to move back in with him. Friends of Swedish model Elin yesterday revealed she was prepared to give their troubled marriage another shot. Since Tiger’s string of affairs became public, Elin, 30, has been living in a rented mansion near their home in Windermere, in Orlando, Florida. Celebrity website RadarOnline claim she agreed earlier this week to move back into the family home with their two children. Relations had been thawing in recent weeks. On Wednesday, the couple spent around three hours together at the family home, a source claimed. They were in the backyard and at one point Tiger, 34, kissed Elin three times on the cheek and they hugged. However, Elin has yet to put back on her wedding ring.

Does Tiger deserve another chance? Absolutely! No one is unredeemable, especially if they do the work necessary to repair the damage.  As long as he’s not being abusive currently (either physically, emotionally, or contuing with the affairs) then he deserves another chance.  What do you all think?  We’ve written a few posts on the Tiger situation here.

Does Tiger deserve another go?  What say you…either leave us a comment or vote in our poll.

Q&A: “How do I survive my wife’s second affair?”

Posted on February 12, 2010 by in Conflict Resolution, Q&A, Sexual Intimacy, Video Podcasts

Watch as Michael helps this husband learn what true unconditional love is and whether or not this husband should leave his wife after a second affair.

On Tiger Woods: Why isn’t anyone talking about this issue!

Posted on December 9, 2009 by in Celebrity Love, Featured, Sexual Intimacy

I’ve been a supporter of Tiger ever since he burst on to the scene as a professional golfer, and honestly, even before that when he was winning amateur championships. It pains me to see what he is going through and to be hearing all the rumors of sex with other women. Things seem to be getting worse for Tiger, and sponsors may be starting to rethink their support. Tiger is on every newspaper, magazine, and TV news-lead in the country, but no one is talking about his potential sexual addiction.

If the rumors are true, and some very damaging evidence is coming out daily to prove these women’s stories, then Tiger is not just having affairs, he’s in the midst of a potential sexual addiction. Did you know The National Council on Sexual Addiction Compulsivity estimated that:

6%-8% of Americans are sex addicts, which is 16 million-21.5 million people. (Source: Cooper, Alvin, Dana E. Putnam, Lynn A. Planchon, and Sylvain C. Boies. “Online Sexual Compulsivity: Getting Tangled in the Net.” Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 6:79-104.)

Sexual addiction is not rampant, but it certainly is affecting a lot of people in the United States. What is sexual addiction? PsychCentral.com gives a good definition:

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.

For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.

In normal terms, someone with a sexual addiction is not just struggling with affairs or pornography, they are totally engrossed in these activities. It’s like they can not stop themselves and their behavior dramatically hurts their families and work life. Addiction is a horrible thing for people because many addicts do not want to do what ever it is they are addicted to, and most feel horrible about their addiction, but they can not stop themselves without a serious intervention.

I hope Tiger gets his intervention. He needs one and I know he is involved in marital counseling, but he is going to need individual work as well.

At least one reason your spouse might cheat on you

Posted on December 7, 2009 by in Marriage, Sexual Intimacy

Why do people have affairs? I’ve counseled many couples in crisis due to the damaging experience of an affair or infidelity and the victimized spouse almost always wants to know why. Why would he do this to me? Why would she need another man? The questions are painful and filled with hurt, anger, and frustration.

Smart Marriages is an organization founded and directed by Diane Sollee and I get Diane’s newsletter each week (sometimes daily). Peggy Vaughan recently wrote to Diane about the societal factors of infidelity, in other words, a powerful reason why someone might seek out an affair:

Dear Diane,

I just watched Oprah which featured a rare on-camera interview with an Amishcouple (taped prior to the Amish school shooting). The interview revealed that in Amish marriages, there are NO divorces and NO extramarital affairs.

As you know, beginning with the initial publication of “The Monogamy Myth” in 1989, I have advocated looking beyond just the personal failures of individuals or particular marriages to recognize that “societal factors” also play a role in affairs.

The Amish society is quite different from our more general society… which leads their attitudes about marriage to be drastically different as well.

Below are some quotes from the interview that demonstrate this:

Oprah: “What happens if you get tired of each other? What if you say, ‘I don’t want to be married to you anymore?’”

Amish: You go into marriage knowing this is for keeps. There is no divorce. You work on it, you talk about it, you go for counseling if need be.”

Oprah: “Is there any adultery?”

Amish: “No, not that I know of.”

Finally, perhaps the most amazing and inspiring comment of all: “We’re really happy. We have 100% contentment.”

Most of us think everything about the Amish way of life would be impossible, but their lives provide hope that it’s possible to change the larger society’s attitudes about marriage and about extramarital affairs.

Peggy Vaughan
website: http://www.dearpeggy.com
Blog: http://www.dearpeggy.com/blog/

Create an environment in your marriage where divorce is not an option and an affair is not an option and see what happens. If you ever think, “Well, if this doesn’t get any better, then I…” or “I wonder what it would be like to sleep with…” These kinds of thoughts undermine your commitment to the marriage and will have financial, emotional, and spiritual consequences if you continue to think about them.

Gary gives advice for Tiger Woods and anyone else hurting in their marriage

Posted on December 3, 2009 by in Sexual Intimacy, Video Podcasts

What does Tiger need to do next for his marriage? Watch and find out what Gary has to say to Tiger.