Focusing on who you are in the middle of hurtful circumstances is one of the most challenging and rewarding benefits of being a Christ follower. It means you have to let go of what people (especially your spouse) have done to you and focus on what you have done to them or what your attitude has been toward them. If no one is perfect, then everyone can always figure out their part in any conflict. We are never completely innocent in conflict. There is always something we could have done better. This book is about helping you learn how to focus on your own reactions to conflict so you can create an environment for your marriage to thrive.

John and Kris (all names in this book have been changed for privacy, so any names that seem familiar is only coincidence) came to our Marriage Restoration Intensive (MRI) because of John’s affair. If you have not heard about our MRI program, just go to www.gosmalley.com to learn more about how we help couples in conflict. In brief, the MRI program is either a one-day or two-day intensive where couples from all over the country come to Houston, Texas to get help. The intensive format is extremely successful in helping couples in crisis turn their marriage around and stay together and increase their overall marital satisfaction.

We get lots of couples dealing with the devastating effects of an affair. John and Kris were no different. Kris found out about the affair when the woman involved with her husband called her to confess what was happening. What a phone call that must have been! Could you imagine having the woman who was sleeping with your husband call you out-of-the-blue to confess because she was feeling guilty!

Kris was devastated, as any woman should be after getting a call from the mistress of her husband. They initially tried to help themselves through several different books, but their issues were too big to deal with alone. They eventually called us and got scheduled for a MRI with me (Michael). I will never forget this intensive because of the incredible lack of personal responsibility not assumed throughout the intensive.

The MRI was pretty normal through the first half of the day together. Kris was hurting and was lashing out significantly at John for having the affair. This is not abnormal, so I let her get what she needed off her chest. But she was really letting him have it and he was sitting there taking it all on for more than half the day. John was actually quite kind and accepting of his mistake and I could see how bad he felt.

After lunch I was ready to get Kris moving forward and wanted to help her begin the process of forgiveness, but Kris was uninterested in this part of the process. She could not let go of the fact that John had cheated on her. I never want to allow anyone to get out of control during an intensive when sharing hurt feelings. I just do not believe it is productive to handle ourselves in a way that is dishonoring, no matter how hurt we are by a situation. I had to repeatedly interrupt Kris and help her find a different, less aggressive way to word how she felt. It got so bad after lunch that I finally began to get frustrated with her and was becoming impatient with her lack of forgiveness. Even though my wife has never cheated on me, I can understand how miserable an affair must feel. But Kris was really giving it to her husband – one slashing statement after another.

I finally had to take drastic steps to help Kris regain control and to start thinking about her side of the affair. That’s right, there are always two sides to an affair. Rarely does a married person have an affair when the marriage is extremely healthy! This is important to understand. Affairs do not generally happen to happily married couples. An affair simply points out that something was broken in the marriage. This does not mean an affair is a good way to respond to a broken marriage, because it is not. An affair is an incredibly stupid way to respond to a hurting marriage. It only makes everything worse! But that doesn’t mean the person who had the affair was the only person doing anything wrong in the marriage.

I stopped Kris during one of her blasting statements toward John and asked her simply, “What was your part in this affair?” As you can imagine, this was not a question that Kris wanted to say. For a brief moment, I became the focus of her anger and hurt. But when she stopped, I simply asked her again, “What was your part?” She looked at me and said, “I had no part, this is all his fault!” Her statement was not a complete surprise to me, but I had to get her to somehow figure out what she had done wrong in the marriage. So I asked the question in a different way, “Have you ever done anything hurtful in your marriage toward John?” She answered quickly, “I don’t know.”

Now that answer surprised me a little. I could not believe that she was unaware of any past mistakes of her own in the marriage. I looked at John and asked, “Has she ever hurt you in the past?” He looked over at his wife and said, “Can I tell him about the affair you had?”

What! I truly did not believe what I was hearing. “Is it true that she had an affair?” At this point Kris finally looked at me and said, “Yes, but that was almost two-years ago!” Like somehow the fact that she’d cheated on her husband almost two-years ago was not as big of a deal as her husband cheating on her recently! “So let me get this straight. I’ve been listening to you crush your husband for well over four hours because he had an affair. And this entire time you’ve not felt like it was important to tell me that you have also had an affair?” She answered, “I didn’t think it was relevant.”

Friends, your dysfunction is very relevant to the relationship. When we cannot see our own faults, then our most precious relationships suffer dramaticly. The reality is when we fail to take ownership of our own problems, we will blame our spouse of theirs. I spent over four hours listening to Kris trash her husband for cheating on her, and yet, she had also cheated on him. I finally understood why it was so hard for her to forgive him, because his affair was only highlighting her own affair. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she was just as guilty and messed up as him.
We want to let you in on a little secret about all of us. We are all messed up! One of our favorite things to do at the beginning of a seminar is to ask the audience to take a look around at all the people sitting around them. Then we say, “Do you see all these people? They are sick people.” One of the excuses individuals give for avoiding an enrichment seminar is that they do not want other people to know their marriage may be in trouble. Let us ease your mind on this issue, every marriage is in trouble at some point because every marriage is filled with broken, sinful individuals.

In 1 Kings 8:46 we read, “When they sin against you—and they certainly will; there’s no one without sin!” Circle in your book “no one without sin”. The bad news is that we are all infected with this thing called sin. It is our brokenness, our heartache, our mistakes, selfishness, and disconnection from God. The good news is that we are all infected by sin! We are all in this thing together so we can have compassion on each other. We all need grace and forgiveness. There is no one person better than the other and so we all need to take ownership of our own junk. We can be gracious and merciful toward our spouse because we need and desire that same graciousness and mercy. Do not let the knowledge of your sin tear you down, but instead allow it to help you be more humble and loving toward your spouse and others.

When we ignore our sinfulness the divisiveness of pride, impatience, and prejudice are soon to follow. All three of these consequences disconnect us from our spouse. Pride separates us because we are too consumed by what we deserve to see what our spouse needs. Impatience draws us apart because of our irritable and snappy attitudes revealing our focus on our spouse’s issues and irritants. Being judgmental disconnects us because, frankly, who wants to hang out someone who has predetermined exactly what you mean, your intentions, and who you are. No one enjoys being judged, especially our spouse.

• Any kind of physical abuse like hitting or shoving.
• Any kind of verbal abuse like character assassinations, threats of violence or other physical harm. It is important to understand that simply yelling at each other is not necessarily verbal abuse, but when the language becomes threatening and violent, then you are experiencing verbal abuse.
• Someone in a marriage with a spouse who is dealing with a serious personality disorder as diagnosed by a Psychiatrist, medical doctor, or psychologist.
• Any kind of criminal activity.
• Any kind of drug/alcohol addiction.
• Any kind of serial infidelity, where your spouse is committing multiple affairs.
• Any kind of money laundering, draining of bank accounts without your permission, or hiding massive credit card debt from you.

The reason we wanted to list some of these major issues out at the beginning of our book is because personal responsibility will look very different to someone struggling with the above mentioned problems. We would never advocate for someone to remain in a marriage where abuse is taking place in any of its forms. Safety is always your main concern when dealing with the issues mentioned in this disclaimer.

This book is for the vast majority of marriages that do not involve abuse or other complex and dangerous problems. These issues absolutely need the intervention of a police officer or professionally trained counselor.

That is why for the past thirty-five years, I have felt passionate about helping couples, families, and individuals to strengthen, deepen, and enrich their most important relationships. That is what God has called me to do.

In this quest to improve relationships, I am always searching for what works and identifying what doesn’t work. I love to take relationship theories, apply it to my own relationships, and see if it works for me personally. It makes no difference to me if I make the discovery on my own or if the new relationship idea comes from someone else. I’m always hunting.

So for three and a half decades I have traveled all over the world, delivering my message about how to improve relationships. Everywhere I go, I meet people who tell me that one of my conferences or one of my videos or books has helped save their marriage or improve their friendships or reconnect with family members. I feel deeply humbled and grateful for each of these encouraging reports.

Yet I also frequently hear something else, not quite so thrilling. Many people take me aside to say, “I watched your videos—but I lost my marriage.” Or, “I read your book—but my wife still left me.” Or, “I tried your material—but things just didn’t work out.” Whenever I hear stories like these, a deep sadness fills my heart. I know my message has helped a lot of people, but I also know it hasn’t helped everyone. That’s why I’m constantly on the lookout for anything that really works for the vast majority of people I meet.

A Revolutionary Discovery
Two years ago, while searching for information to improve relationships, I made what I now believe is the greatest discovery of my lifetime. Interestingly, it happened right under my nose, in my own backyard. It came from my son Greg’s marriage counseling and research center, the Smalley Marriage Institute.
Soon after Greg earned his doctorate in psychology, he began assembling a team of professional counselors, headed by Robert Paul. Almost immediately they started hearing reports, both encouraging and challenging, about my ministry. People told they that they loved the books and videos and conferences—but many said they wanted more. They needed someone to come alongside them, to get “life-on-life” with them, and to help them put our material into practice.
Greg, Bob, and their highly trained relationship experts began doing what they call “marriage intensives,” where couples on the brink of divorce come for two or four days of intensive work on their relationships. While I wholeheartedly endorsed Greg and Bob’s efforts, at that point I didn’t get deeply involved. I left them alone to do their good work.

But when team recently finished its first five-year study of the couples who came for the intensives, the results were staggering. The team found that 93 percent of the couples are still together—and thriving in solid, healthy relationships! Take a moment to digest that amazing number: That’s a success rate of better than nine in ten! When highly distressed couples learned and applied the material you’re about to read, 93 percent of them not only managed to keep their marriages intact but also have reported much higher satisfaction with their relationships!

After hearing such glowing accounts, I finally decided that I had to find out for myself what was going on. The team penciled me in to take part in both a four-day intensive and a two-day intensive. What I saw was nothing short of amazing. I haven’t been the same since.

As the intensives began, I observed angry couples who couldn’t even stand to look at each other. They refused to hold hands. Many clearly didn’t even want to be there. Tears flowed freely from both the men and the women. I heard wrenching details of illicit affairs and habitual cheating, of serious financial problems, of fierce arguments and violent shouting matches.

Let me share the story of one couple to illustrate what I mean. Jim and Mary were at the end of their rope. After fifteen years of marriage and three children, the couple came to the marriage intensive as a final attempt to salvage their marriage. I heard Jim say that if the marriage intensive didn’t change things, he was going to file for divorce the following week.

To me their situation felt impossible. I wondered if they had any chance at all. They sat glaring at each other, hostility and tension written all over them.
The first years of their marriage had been reasonably good, but as Jim became increasing involved in work and Mary became focused on the kids, their relationship began to spiral into worsening emotional distance, combined with periodic angry outbursts toward one another. Mary felt Jim abandoned her, and she did everything she could to get him to talk about their problems and to work with her to make their marriage and family better. In response to Mary’s pursuit, Jim grew cold, and at the time they entered the intensive, he admitted that he had lost all feelings of love toward Mary. He talked about being so tired of her trying to control his every movement and to manipulate him to do the marriage her way. Over the years they had sought help from several marriage counselors and a pastor, but nothing seemed to make any lasting difference.

The final straw was when Mary discovered that Jim was having an affair with a coworker. Mary felt completely devastated and deeply betrayed. The pain of losing her husband to another woman felt like the death of a loved one. She felt totally alone. But most of all, she felt helpless to keep Jim from this other woman. Mary had seriously considered ending the marriage, but her faith in God and her concern for her children caused her to look for an alternative. She was unsure if she could ever forgive Jim and wondered if she could ever trust him again.

Jim felt just as confused and distraught. His love for his wife was such a distant memory that he seriously doubted whether he could ever love her again. Worst of all, he questioned whether he even wanted to try. The only reason he came to the intensive was concern for his children and a desire to be able to say that he had tried “everything” to save the marriage. Neither Jim nor Mary was overly motivated to make things work.

Before they left for the intensive, their thirteen-year-old daughter, Sandra, had left a note for them:

Dear Mom and Dad,
I don’t know how God will solve this, but I just can’t imagine my parents divorcing and our family breaking apart. Thank you for trying. Yet, I feel like a young puppy left outside in the cold with no shelter. It feels like it’s getting colder and colder each night, and winter will soon be here. The other dogs tell me that I won’t believe how cold it will get. I know the snow is coming, and I feel so helpless to find a way to keep warm. I’m so scared that I’ll freeze to death before it’s over. It’s such a terrible feeling to be alone, and to feel like no one understands what I’m going through. My friends have explained the pain I’ll feel once you divorce, and it scares me. I feel so helpless, like I’m just sitting in my room waiting for the ice storm to hit. Each day is longer and longer, and it feels darker and darker. I’m sick inside all of the time. Please keep trying!
Sandra

Before the intensive begins, the team asks each couple, “Do you believe that God could do a miracle in your marriage and provide a way for you not only to stay together but actually to fall back in love the way you once were?” During the four-day intensive, both Jim and Mary had a series of miraculous encounters that totally surprised them. They began to understand the powerful truths I will unpack for you throughout this book. As they worked through the various steps I’ll share with you, they felt a deep sense of compassion and care for the other. They hadn’t felt this way toward one another for a long time. They also became aware of several significant beliefs that had led to frustration and failure. At one point Jim said, “No wonder our marriage has felt impossible for so long.” And Mary asked with exasperation, “Why hasn’t anyone ever told us about this before?”

By the end of the four days, they both recognized they had a challenging road ahead, but they each felt tremendous hope for the future of their marriage and their family. Jim’s heart began opening to his wife, and he was overwhelmed with gratitude toward God. Mary was thrilled with a new understanding of herself, let alone Jim and their marriage. She felt the new knowledge and key skills were exactly what they needed to create a satisfying and safe marriage that both could be thrilled with. Like most couples who attend one of these intensives, after the third day, Jim and Mary were seen holding hands on the way to dinner.
When Jim and Mary arrived home, they sat down with their children. Jim began, “Kids, we have good news and some bad news. The bad news is that your mom and I will need more prayer and help with our relationship. The good news is that we are staying together. We believe with God’s help and the things we learned in the intensive that we can make it. We want this for us and for you. We love you and want to stay together as a family.”

Instantly, Sandra jumped into their arms. With tears running down her checks, her words were powerful, “Thanks for getting me out of the cold and letting me back into the warm house. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!”

The astounding turnaround just floored me. I’m in my early sixties, and this new discovery not only has changed me but also has taken me to a whole new level of understanding how to enjoy my important relationships. What Greg’s team has taught me these past few years has empowered me to determine how happy I am with each relationship, no matter what others are doing. I get to choose how fulfilled I am and that other people can’t rob me of my being full. When you finish this book, you’ll understand why I’m so excited about this new way of living.

Can you imagine my joy as I saw dozens of couples stabilize their relationships? And it made me wonder: What is the secret to these miraculous turnarounds?

(If you realize that you need one of our intensives for your marriage, then please click here for more information.)

The wife of shamed golfer Tiger Woods is set to move back in with him. Friends of Swedish model Elin yesterday revealed she was prepared to give their troubled marriage another shot. Since Tiger’s string of affairs became public, Elin, 30, has been living in a rented mansion near their home in Windermere, in Orlando, Florida. Celebrity website RadarOnline claim she agreed earlier this week to move back into the family home with their two children. Relations had been thawing in recent weeks. On Wednesday, the couple spent around three hours together at the family home, a source claimed. They were in the backyard and at one point Tiger, 34, kissed Elin three times on the cheek and they hugged. However, Elin has yet to put back on her wedding ring.

Does Tiger deserve another chance? Absolutely! No one is unredeemable, especially if they do the work necessary to repair the damage.  As long as he’s not being abusive currently (either physically, emotionally, or contuing with the affairs) then he deserves another chance.  What do you all think?  We’ve written a few posts on the Tiger situation here.

Does Tiger deserve another go?  What say you…either leave us a comment or vote in our poll.

If the rumors are true, and some very damaging evidence is coming out daily to prove these women’s stories, then Tiger is not just having affairs, he’s in the midst of a potential sexual addiction. Did you know The National Council on Sexual Addiction Compulsivity estimated that:

6%-8% of Americans are sex addicts, which is 16 million-21.5 million people. (Source: Cooper, Alvin, Dana E. Putnam, Lynn A. Planchon, and Sylvain C. Boies. “Online Sexual Compulsivity: Getting Tangled in the Net.” Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 6:79-104.)

Sexual addiction is not rampant, but it certainly is affecting a lot of people in the United States. What is sexual addiction? PsychCentral.com gives a good definition:

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.

For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.

In normal terms, someone with a sexual addiction is not just struggling with affairs or pornography, they are totally engrossed in these activities. It’s like they can not stop themselves and their behavior dramatically hurts their families and work life. Addiction is a horrible thing for people because many addicts do not want to do what ever it is they are addicted to, and most feel horrible about their addiction, but they can not stop themselves without a serious intervention.

I hope Tiger gets his intervention. He needs one and I know he is involved in marital counseling, but he is going to need individual work as well.

Smart Marriages is an organization founded and directed by Diane Sollee and I get Diane’s newsletter each week (sometimes daily). Peggy Vaughan recently wrote to Diane about the societal factors of infidelity, in other words, a powerful reason why someone might seek out an affair:

Dear Diane,

I just watched Oprah which featured a rare on-camera interview with an Amishcouple (taped prior to the Amish school shooting). The interview revealed that in Amish marriages, there are NO divorces and NO extramarital affairs.

As you know, beginning with the initial publication of “The Monogamy Myth” in 1989, I have advocated looking beyond just the personal failures of individuals or particular marriages to recognize that “societal factors” also play a role in affairs.

The Amish society is quite different from our more general society… which leads their attitudes about marriage to be drastically different as well.

Below are some quotes from the interview that demonstrate this:

Oprah: “What happens if you get tired of each other? What if you say, ‘I don’t want to be married to you anymore?’”

Amish: You go into marriage knowing this is for keeps. There is no divorce. You work on it, you talk about it, you go for counseling if need be.”

Oprah: “Is there any adultery?”

Amish: “No, not that I know of.”

Finally, perhaps the most amazing and inspiring comment of all: “We’re really happy. We have 100% contentment.”

Most of us think everything about the Amish way of life would be impossible, but their lives provide hope that it’s possible to change the larger society’s attitudes about marriage and about extramarital affairs.

Peggy Vaughan
website: http://www.dearpeggy.com
Blog: http://www.dearpeggy.com/blog/

Create an environment in your marriage where divorce is not an option and an affair is not an option and see what happens. If you ever think, “Well, if this doesn’t get any better, then I…” or “I wonder what it would be like to sleep with…” These kinds of thoughts undermine your commitment to the marriage and will have financial, emotional, and spiritual consequences if you continue to think about them.

In fact, I’ve known a few A-list and B-list celebrities in my life, and I can assure you that the rumors by TMZ and other tabloid entities are typically totally off base and full of lies. It disgusts me that the tabloid press is not held accountable for blatant lies.

I do not know if Tiger needs marital advice, but if you ever find yourself in a situation described by the media right now for Tiger, then take the following 3 pointers to help create the possibility for restoration in your marriage:

1. Be honest. Never assume that lying will help ease the pain for your spouse. Lying always makes whatever happened even worse. Just be honest and upfront if you’ve had an affair. If you have not had an affair, but your spouse is accusing you of one, then simply validate his or her feelings. Let your spouse know that you understand why he is accusing you of the affair, and then ask what you can do to help him understand the truth of the situation. Getting defensively nasty will only confirm your spouse’s beliefs.
2. Be humble. Now this is a word that can be difficult to do, especially if you are feeling falsely accused of something. But humility is always a great attitude to help people calm down and see things more realistically. One of the definitions of humbleness is to be “courteously respectful”. You are wanting to restore the relationship, so do not get prideful and resistant to validating your spouse’s fair or unfair accusations. Relax. If you are innocent, then you will be proven innocent. The more defensive you get the more guilty you appear. Humble people are kind, relaxed, and understanding. You will need a lot of those kinds of attitudes to repair the relationship.
3. Be patient. I do not know how long it will take for your spouse to open up, and neither do you. So be ready to patiently wait. Sometimes we just need hang on and give our spouse the space to heal and open up. Do not try and rush healing because you do not want to hurt any more. Trust that your spouse will open up and give your spouse the freedom and respect to heal.

Follow these three pointers and you will give your marriage the best chance to be restored.

[UPDATE]

Here’s the statement Tiger Woods released on his website www.tigerwoods.com earlier today:

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.

There are a lot of extra marital affairs each year in the United States. I must admit that I was completely naive about how many affairs were taking place. The research is not clear on just how many, but there are estimates ranging from 30 percent all the way to 60 percent of marriages suffer from the effects of infidelity.

What drives someone to infidelity? There have been books written on this subject, and this post is not trying to summarize the profound literature on this topic. But I thought you should be aware of my top 7 reasons why your spouse would cheat on you. The more you know the better you can protect your marriage.

Amy (my wife) and I have always taken a pretty strong stance against affairs. There are moral reasons for our stance as well as emotional and psychological reasons. But when it comes to protecting our marriage, I believe the smartest thing we did to protect our marriage from infidelity was to both admit that we were capable of having an affair. This might sound strange to you, but think for a second about the consequences of believing that you are incapable of an affair. Pride set in, and you know what comes after pride…the fall!

But this is not a post about protecting your marriage from an affair. This is a post about learning why your spouse would possibly commit an affair (which will ultimately help you protect your marriage from an affair). I do want to make perfectly clear that NONE of these seven reasons are your fault.  It is never your fault that your spouse chooses to have an affair to cope with something broken in the marriage.  But do understand that affairs are a huge signal that something is broken.  Here are 7 reasons that will help answer the question of, “Why?”:

1. Your spouse feels disconnected and shares this with someone of the opposite sex.
   One of the most basic needs of any human is to feel connected.  If your spouse feels disconnected in the marriage, then your marriage is at risk for an affair.  Stay connected with each other by sharing feelings and needs openly and honestly and without condemnation.  If I can’t share my feelings with my spouse, then I’m going to naturally feel disconnected and then I might search for someone to connect with.  This is when it gets dangerous.
2. Your spouse complains about you to the opposite sex.
   The worst way we can handle stress in our marriage is by complaining to other people.  If I choose to complain to someone of the opposite sex, I’m setting myself up to have an affair.  When I complain to someone of the opposite sex, what I’m really doing is telling that person, “Love me unlike my spouse is loving me.”  People will catch this underlying desire and they will act upon it.  The best person to complain about your spouse with is…no one.  Complaining just makes things worse.  Be productive and tell your spouse that something isn’t right and then go seek help from a pastor or marriage coach.
3. Your spouse drinks alcohol heavily while traveling on business.
   This one drives me crazy!  I was at a restaurant bar in Orlando once where I sat next to a man who was hammered.  He could barely sit on his bar stool and he was hitting on the girl next to him like there was no tomorrow.  I noticed the ring on his finger and decided to try and give him a chance to pull out of the situation.  I can’t remember what I said, but I think I asked him how long he’d been married.  Sadly, he laughed off my question and said, “My wife isn’t here, so that doesn’t matter.”  He then went off with the young lady alone.  Drinking too much alcohol is never a good idea, but especially if you are traveling without your spouse.  The majority of affairs are actually one-night-stands that happen outside of the state people live in.
4. Your spouse hangs out with the wrong crowd late in to the evenings.
   This one is very similar to #3, but it is different because it centers around the activity at home.  If your spouse likes to party until late in the evening with single friends or friends who are not good influences (and you know who those are), then your marriage is at risk for an affair.  My mother always told me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.  This is true for your marriage.  Hanging out drinking late in to the evening is a formula for disaster.  Stay home and keep each other company.
5. Your spouse has low self-esteem and likes to be flirted with.
   This one can be a subtle danger to your marriage.  If your spouse feels insecure then she might try to find a new self-image through an opposite sex friendship or flirting.  This can often start off very innocent, but once feelings of security through the flirting and friendship creep in, the emotions will turn romantic.  They always do so do not fool yourself or be fooled.
6. Your spouse feels bored in the marriage and wants more excitement.
   This one bothers me as much as #3!  What a horrible reason to seek out an affair!  Feelings of boredom are natural, but they are in no way an excuse to seek out an affair.  If your spouse ever shares that he is feeling bored or uninterested, do not ignore this plea.  Take it seriously and check out what needs to happen to spice things up (and I’m not hinting at just sex here, but emotionally as well).  If you do not talk with each other, then you set up an environment where an affair becomes much easier to commit.
7. Your spouse feels a lack of attention in the marriage.
   If you ignore your spouse, someone else will give the attention that is being desired.  I will reiterate that if your spouse has an affair, that is not your fault! But…please understand that you do play a role in the problem.  Even though an affair is the most hurtful thing you could do to your spouse, it is just a symptom of a larger problem in the marriage.  So that means both people have to work on making the marriage stronger and resistant to infidelity.

What should you do with this list?  Take a moment to check yourself to see if you (or your spouse) are doing any of these 7 things.  If you realize that one or more of them are occurring in your marriage, then sit down and bring it up before an affair happens.  Be proactive in your marriage and not reactive.  Take steps to connect and care for each other.  The more satisfied your marriage is, the less likely an affair is going to occur.

So what do you think?

[poll id="3"]

Big pain takes big time to heal from:

444 days.  That’s all the headline said about the US hostages being released from Iran in January 1980.  On the day of their release, they had been held hostage 444 days. It’s also the approximate number of days it took for Ann and I to really turn the corner and find release in dealing with our affairs.

I started looking at the number after watching the movie Fireproof.  The Fireproof folks are marketing the Love Dare.  The Love Dare is 40 ways over 40 days that you can be a better spouse to your spouse.

40 days?  Not for what we are usually dealing with on this site.  What would 40 days cover.  40 days just gets you to the reality that this crap isn’t going away anytime soon.  The pain is still intense.  I’d wake up and feel great for a 10th of a second and the pain would come crashing in again.

via Marriages Restored : 444 Days.

Sahar Daftary, 24, from London, fell from one of the 17-storey NV Buildings in Salford Quays over the weekend. Police are investigating her death.

Model falls to death from apartment after discovering boyfriend was married – Telegraph

She feels blue about hubby’s secret Viagra :: CHICAGO SUN-TIMES :: Cheryl Lavin.

Dear Trapped: You’re too young to take a vow of celibacy. I’m afraid the anger you’re suppressing will overwhelm you and one day you’ll do or say something you regret.

No one thinks that an extramarital affair is a good idea, but in your situation, it may save your sanity and, ultimately, your marriage. There’s an enormous difference between having an affair because you’re bored and having one because you’re denying a vital part of yourself.

It’s certainly better than wishing your husband were dead. And no one who isn’t in your shoes should condemn you.

If you were my sister, I’d tell you to find a male friend and have a discreet sexual relationship. I know this advice is controversial and certainly not an ideal solution. But your problem doesn’t have an ideal solution.

Readers, what advice do you have for “Trapped”? (emphasis added)

The woman’s question to Lavin was simply:

I’m a 42-year-old woman. I’ve been married to my husband, who’s 58, for 16 years. We had an extremely active, passionate sex life for the first eight years of our marriage, but none since. I miss sex desperately. I’ve contemplated affairs and divorce many times. I love my husband so much, but I’m miserable without sex.

The reader goes on to share how their sexual relationship originally stopped because of major physical discomfort and even pain from her husband. Hello! She mentions that he’s never gotten any help with the physical issues, which is fairly normal because most men are ashamed when they are not able to perform sexually.

I will say that he is not coping well with his physical issues, and needs to get help. However, the wife is not coping well either by wanting to divorce or have an affair. First things first, a healthy marriage is not just about sex. It is hard to reconcile with someone who says she “loves her husband very much” but then is willing to leave him because he’s hurting or willing to have an affair.

When your marriage comes up against hurt or physical ailment, do not quit. The greatest gift you will ever give yourself is to learn how to love your spouse unconditionally, like Christ loves you. I would never tell this to someone who is in physical danger, but when your spouse is hurting physically or emotionally, the best course of action is to love them through it.

That way, everyone wins.