Tag Archives: anger

A surprising way to a stronger marriage – How to let God handle the hard stuff

Posted on October 25, 2010 by in Marriage

I (Michael) have struggled with weight issues for more years than I care to admit. Sometimes I can feel like my addiction to food is as intense as a person’s addiction to heroin. Currently I am down 25 pounds and am developing what I like to call a “Lifestyle Revolution”.

If you have not noticed yet, the keyword being used thus far in this introductory paragraph is “I”. I have the weight problem and I am the one who is going to need to get the help and encouragement to change.

For many years Amy and I were extremely conflicted about my weight issues. I am the luckiest man on earth to be married to Amy. If you have read our first two books, More than a Match and Don’t Date Naked, then you already know about our love story. The very first time I laid eyes on my bride I was instantly in love with her! Of course I now understand that what I was really feeling toward Amy was more like, infatuation, but it certainly grew from there into a beautiful and authentic appreciation and love! But I was so enamored, that I actually became a male cheerleader to get her to notice me and to fall in love with me too (because she was a cheerleader at Baylor). This is a long story which we unpacked extensively in our first two books. But when I married Amy, I married the woman of my dreams!

Then we started having children! Each time Amy got pregnant she would relax on her very healthy eating habits. I can remember driving to the ice cream store in the late evenings because Amy had cravings, and naturally I would buy something for her AND something for me. Three kids later I was massively overweight. I probably averaged close to 25 pounds per kid. I know this might sound strange, a man sharing how having children caused weight gain, but it is true. What really bothers me, thinking back on those days, is that after Amy would give birth, literally within two weeks she would be back to her pre-pregnant weight! It was totally unfair.

Once our third and final kid was born, I announced to Amy that I was finished putting on all her pregnant weight for her! Obviously I understand that Amy getting pregnant was not the root cause of my weight gain. But my weight gain caused Amy a lot of frustration.

[Now it's my turn to talk - Amy]

I’ve never had a problem with being over weight. My problem was feeling a pressure to be under weight. As a collegiate cheerleader I felt the expectations of weight and guys talking about how hard it was to lift a certain girl. I never wanted to be “that girl.” I dealt with my need to be the lightest by eating very little. I don’t believe I was ever anorexic but I felt a need to control of my weight at an intense level. Watching Michael gain weight at the beginning of our marriage was difficult. I could not understand why he couldn’t control his weight like me. I tried to “help” by presenting health information, commenting on his sugar and fat intake, criticizing and shaming him.

For years we fought and fought over eating habits. The more I tried to get Michael to eat better and exercise, the worse things got. It was almost like I was a major hindrance to him losing weight. I struggled with this issue for many years, trying to get him to change. And for years it seemed like the problem only got more severe. We would fight and things would get ugly with name calling from both of sides.

Until one day, God finally got through to me and convinced me of a different strategy to help Michael. Back off. It was like God said, “If you stop pushing so hard maybe I can get through to him. He will always have an excuse if you keep opening your big mouth and messing everything up.” God talks to me that way- I don’t know if He does the same to you but I need to be whacked up side the head sometimes.

He also asked me this question, “How much anger weight have you lost?” God knew that was my biggest struggle. I thought about it and responded with, “Maybe 10 to 15 lbs.” God answered, “And how much do you still need to loose?” I felt like the biggest heel, “A lot” Then my biggest whacking, “Then why don’t you focus on that because I could tell you all the health reasons etc. why you need to loose anger weight.” It was true and I knew it. I went to Michael and said, “Oh Michael, love of my life, I am so sorry for harping on your junk when I have just as much of my own. I will love you for as many days as we have together and I will not allow myself to miss out on a single day longer by focusing on your weight. Please forgive me.”

[Now I'm back - Michael]

Several years ago Amy approached me with her new insight about my weight issues. I can vividly remember her releasing me to God for help with my struggle. Suddenly, once Amy handed me over to God, I had no one to blame for my weight problem but myself.

Have you ever tried to change something in your spouse? Maybe your spouse is addicted to smoking, drinking, drugs, pornography, lying, or is resistant to a relationship with God. Whatever the problem is for your spouse, trying to change it for them will only make it worse! Haven’t you tried it before? How did that work for you? This is a question we love to ask audiences at our live events. How did that work for you? The crazy thing about us people is that we will keep doing the very things that we have already proven to be unsuccessful. If you want things to improve in your marriage, what we are hinting at is to try something different. Try handing over your spouse’s issues to God. We know this sound incredibly cliche, but it is completely necessary. Remember, however, our disclaimer at the beginning of this book. We are not telling the abused individual to simply hand over the abuse to God and then stay in the marriage. Safety is your primary concern when in an abusive marriage.

We know some of you reading this chapter are getting ready to close the book and toss it in the trash. In your mind you are thinking, “I’ve tried that, giving it over to God, and it did not work!” This kind of thinking is destructive. Why give up on God? How long have you tried? One year. Five years. Fifteen years. How much time is enough time to allow God to change your spouse?
Our belief is that we should never put a time-limit on God’s will. We cannot understand the plans of God and we must be unabashedly patient with God. The bible never gives us an out on relying on God! Where’s the verse that says we can quit? God is a God of healing and restoration. Our job is to get out of the way and allow God to do His.

“They should gently teach those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will believe the truth.” 2 Timothy 2:25 (NLT) In our interaction with our spouse and their sin against us, we must be gentle. Being cruel, rude, or critical to our spouse is a losing formula. We can not sin against our spouse because our spouse is sinning against us.
We can relax in the knowledge that God wants the best for us and our spouse. God is the change agent for our spouse:

“Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.” Romans 12:2

When we are struggling with the messes of our spouse we need to spend our energy on God. We need to “fix our attention” on God because if we spend our energy and focus on what is broken with our spouse, we know how it will end. Even if your spouse does not believe in God or is being resistant, God can still make an impact. God is much bigger than people who resist his influence and authority.

A surprising way to a stronger marriage – You are in control!

Posted on October 20, 2010 by in Marriage

Have you ever been utterly humiliated by your spouse in public? I (Amy) got to experience humiliation by the hands of my husband back in February of 2009. It was David’s, our youngest child, seventh birthday. I love this illustration because it is one of the times where I actually handled myself correctly (which is more than I can say for Michael) :-) . Usually I am the escalator and the one needing to apologize for mishandling myself during a conflict. But the disfunction falls directly on Michael’s shoulders this time!

Our son David loves routine and for the third year in a row he wanted to have his birthday at a place near our house called Pump It Up. It is a great venue for kids and is filled from floor to ceiling with these awesome air-blown trampolines, slides, and obstacle courses. We decided to download the birthday invitations so we could fold and hand them out to all the kids in his class.

Over the years, Michael has learned how to use graphic design programs like Photoshop and Adobe Indesign. When you can’t hire a graphic design team, you do the graphic design work yourself. After we downloaded the invitation, Michael had the idea of making custom changes to the invitation. I was thrilled by his suggestions and gave him the thumbs up to make some changes. We talked about what we wanted added to the cards and then he made the changes. I was quite excited about what we had done to the card! And this would be the last time I felt any kind of positive emotion about this invitation.

The very next morning was the start of a two-day Marriage Restoration Intensive with a couple in crisis for me. This is a program of ours that helps couples in crisis get through trama and hopefully regain a happy marriage. I had to leave early in the morning and was gone before my kids even awoke. Michael was in his office putting the finishing touches on the birthday invitation when our 7-year old walked in and excitedly asked what he was doing. He showed him the card on the computer and David loved it! Then our son asked a question. The answer Michael gave to his question will haunt me for the rest of my days. “Daddy, can you put on the card what I want for my birthday?”

Sounds like an innocent question, doesn’t it. But Michael had no idea of the consequences his decision would reap in only two short days.

Michael replied to David’s question with a resounding, “Of course! Daddy can put whatever you want on this card!” So our son asked for him to put on his birthday card (that was going to be handed over to every single mother in David’s class), “David is requesting CASH for his birthday present.”

I still have a hard time believing that Michael didn’t even consider how this request may come across as inappropriate and rude. But alas, he did not. Michael printed the cards, folded them up, and handed them out to each kid in the class. It wasn’t till later that day, when Michael was sitting under the big Oak tree at our kid’s school, that he wondered if it was weird to put such a request on a birthday card.
One of the moms in our son’s class was sitting next to him under the tree. Michael leaned over and asked her if she had opened the invitation yet. She said no. He then asked her if it was weird to put David’s request for CASH on the birthday invitation. Her response was classic, “Oh no. You did not put that on David’s birthday card?” He said yes. She then asked if I knew what had been added to the card, and he told her that I had not seen the cards yet. The mom then said to him, “Don’t tell her.”

We are not usually ones to endorse keeping secrets, but Michael did feel that this secret did have real implications on his life going on or ending. Which he was probably correct! I know the wives reading this story are weeping in empathy for me, thanks girls!

The party came and I was clueless about the invitation. I did wonder why all the moms were only bringing envelopes as gifts, however. I even brought this to Michael’s attention! It did not bother me, in fact, it was quite the opposite. I was actually pretty happy that the moms did not feel obligated to bring David more gifts. You see, I assumed that the cards were only cards. I did not know yet that the cards contained CASH! I just figured David already had enough toys and was content with no new presents to eventually organize and clean.

[I, Michael, must interject at this point of the story]

Can you imagine my horror at the total health of my wife! Here I was, getting prepared to be lambasted by my wife, and she pulls out this statement! I could not believe my ears. I knew Amy was loving and gracious, but this was crazy! I already felt bad for what she was about to find out, but then her attitude of graciousness at thinking no one was bringing any gifts only made my sickness even worse.

[I've said my peace, Amy can continue now]

Thanks for giving me permission to continue, sweetie =]. Michael was quickly becoming aware of how much trouble his little invitation was about to get him into. And then it happened. One of the moms, who is also a good friend of ours, came right up to me with David’s present. It was a nicely colored tin jar filled to the brim with coins. She was quite proud of her sarcastic moment and winked towards Michael, knowing full well that she was getting him into trouble! She knew what Michael had done and she was making sure he got in trouble for it. She then handed me the invitation and politely said, “I was so thankful your husband let us all know what David wanted for his birthday present.”

That was it. The secret was out and I did what any wife would do in that moment, I whacked Michael on the arm and then pulled him close to my lips and whispered, “We’ll talk about this later.”
I did it! I actually controlled my emotions and put them on hold until we could finish David’s birthday party. Nothing is worse than ruining a party with a horrible fight. I knew this and actually made a decision to put off the discussion until we got home. I wanted to keep David’s party sacred and the reality was that I did not have to respond with anger. I had a choice, and so do you.
Here is the reality. We all have a choice when it comes to our reactions. There are no victims in a healthy marriage, only two people totally responsible for their own emotions and reactions. We have already outlined for you in the beginning chapters on why you do not want to be a victim in any relationship. Victims feel powerless and out-of-control. The reality is that we are not powerless nor out-of-control. We contain the ability to choose how we respond to any circumstance or situation.

If we do not take control over our emotions and reactions, then Mr. Powerless and Mrs. Fear are going to take control for us. Because if we are not taking command of how we respond, then the only choice we leave ourselves is powerlessness and fear.

One of the more poignant things we learned early on in our marriage is that we did not make each other feel anything. This might sound like an impossible statement. But it is true. People, places, or things can not make us feel or do anything. It is our choice in response to someone’s demands or sin against us.

2 Corinthians 5:10 reads, “Sooner or later we’ll all have to face God, regardless of our conditions. We will appear before Christ and take what’s coming to us as a result of our actions, either good or bad.” Notice that this verse says nothing about other people. It only mentions us. We will appear in front of Christ one day and will take responsibility for how we handled ourself while living on Earth. There is no mention of circumstances or other people.

Why won’t you trust me?

Posted on September 15, 2010 by in Marriage

One of the most frequently asked questions I hear is “My spouse doesn’t trust me, how do I regain his or her trust?”

Issues of trust touch all relationships in one way or another. We either have difficulty trusting others or are frustrated that someone won’t trust us.
Intimacy actually is opening yourself up and sharing some of the deeper parts of yourself with another; therefore, it always exposes some degree of vulnerability and involves an element of risk. As soon as you open up, you expose yourself to the possibility of being hurt. You’ve opened to being ridiculed or rejected, and you’ve chosen to lay down your normal protective barriers. Even the simple act of opening your heart and caring is risky. As soon as you care about someone, what happens with them and to them really matters. You become exposed to loss and disappointment.

Ultimately, trust has to do with feeling safe to be open and vulnerable with someone, trusting that they will respect, honor and care for you and your feelings. Trust occurs best when we feel completely safe. We are then able to relax, let our guard down, and just be ourselves without having to worry about being hurt or needing to be self-conscious in fear of being judged, ridiculed or rejected. It is in this open, honest, and exposed state that deep intimacy truly flourishes. Much like being with someone in a perfect garden—like the Garden of Eden—where the weather is ideal, there is no hint of danger, and you feel completely safe with and confident in the person you are with.

Even though the prospect of actually creating a relational Eden is a bit idealistic, this is the environment that we were created to exist in and is something we can deliberately strive towards even if we can’t perfectly pull it off. If we can commit ourselves to creating an umbrella of safety over our relationship we can create a shelter under which we can relax, and openly and intimately enjoy our lives together. Our relationship becomes a sanctuary, a safe harbor, a place we long to come home to.

Creating a relational sanctuary requires a mutual commitment to making the environment a safe place to be open, vulnerable, and free from self-consciousness and fear. This mutual commitment plants the seed from which trust grows. There are two key commitments that each person must maintain in order to create the umbrella of safety and begin to establish a foundation of trust. In order for this endeavor to work well, both people must consistently follow through and act out both commitments.

The first commitment involves how you treat others: Commit yourself to being trustworthy. Trustworthiness exists when a person always recognizes and respects the incredible infinite worth and value of another, and remembers that they are vulnerable and can be hurt. This is not to say that we can’t be playful, and sometimes even rowdy. But when we are given access to a person’s innermost self, we recognize it as a special privilege and remember that this is where they are vulnerable. We realize our potential to hurt them and we commit ourselves to doing everything in our power to avoid hurting, devaluing, disrespecting or dishonoring them. We commit ourselves to being trustworthy. We recognize that no one owes us trust. In fact, if we truly care about the other’s well-being we would do well not to even ask them to trust us. Rather we can simply focus on being as trustworthy as possible and humbly allow them to determine the extent to which they feel safe trusting us.

The second commitment involves how I treat myself. This is actually the key element: Require others to be trustworthy toward you. This commitment requires that you first recognize and respect your own incredible worth and value, your own vulnerability. As a result, you require anyone that you allow access into your inner sanctuary to proceed with honor and care. When someone gets distracted and forgets to treat you with honor, you respectfully inform them that access to your inner sanctuary is a special privilege that is granted by invitation only, that they will be asked to leave if they continue to behave poorly, and future access may be denied. They need to prove themselves worthy of your trust. You do not owe them your trust, it is earned and must be maintained and continually reestablished through respectful, honoring behavior.

It is important to understand that trust is never something that is earned once and for all. Trust is something that is warranted by consistent honor and care towards another. Trust can be betrayed in an instant. Becoming caught up in your own feelings while even momentarily forgetting about the ultimate well-being of the other is all it takes to be untrustworthy. Thus, focusing on being trustworthy towards the other is far more useful then focusing on getting the other to trust you. When you additionally make respect and honor of you a prerequisite to allowing someone access to your own vulnerable places you begin to trust yourself, and feel deeply cared for and self-confident. Therefore, even if the other person forgets to care about you, even for a moment, you know that you won’t forget!

When two people mutually commit themselves to being simultaneously trustworthy towards the other, and require the other to treat them with honor and respect, the relationship begins to feel extremely safe. Both will tend to relax and open up, creating greater opportunities for deep and satisfying intimacy. If you consistently act in a trustworthy manner others will be far more likely to choose to trust you. After all, isn’t feeling safe enough to relax, open up and just be yourself without the fear of being ridiculed or rejected the state that most of us want to live in. And isn’t the ideal relationship one where entering into the other’s presence feels like coming home into the safety of the garden.

Why Won’t You Trust Me?

Posted on July 27, 2010 by in Marriage

One of the most frequently asked questions I hear is “My spouse doesn’t trust me, how do I regain his or her trust?”

Issues of trust touch all relationships in one way or another. We either have difficulty trusting others or are frustrated that someone won’t trust us.

Intimacy actually is opening yourself up and sharing some of the deeper parts of yourself with another; therefore, it always exposes some degree of vulnerability and involves an element of risk. As soon as you open up, you expose yourself to the possibility of being hurt. You’ve opened to being ridiculed or rejected, and you’ve chosen to lay down your normal protective barriers. Even the simple act of opening your heart and caring is risky. As soon as you care about someone, what happens with them and to them really matters. You become exposed to loss and disappointment.

Ultimately, trust has to do with feeling safe to be open and vulnerable with someone, trusting that they will respect, honor and care for you and your feelings. Trust occurs best when we feel completely safe. We are then able to relax, let our guard down, and just be ourselves without having to worry about being hurt or needing to be self-conscious in fear of being judged, ridiculed or rejected. It is in this open, honest, and exposed state that deep intimacy truly flourishes. Much like being with someone in a perfect garden—like the Garden of Eden—where the weather is ideal, there is no hint of danger, and you feel completely safe with and confident in the person you are with.

Even though the prospect of actually creating a relational Eden is a bit idealistic, this is the environment that we were created to exist in and is something we can deliberately strive towards even if we can’t perfectly pull it off. If we can commit ourselves to creating an umbrella of safety over our relationship we can create a shelter under which we can relax, and openly and intimately enjoy our lives together. Our relationship becomes a sanctuary, a safe harbor, a place we long to come home to.

Creating a relational sanctuary requires a mutual commitment to making the environment a safe place to be open, vulnerable, and free from self-consciousness and fear. This mutual commitment plants the seed from which trust grows. There are two key commitments that each person must maintain in order to create the umbrella of safety and begin to establish a foundation of trust. In order for this endeavor to work well, both people must consistently follow through and act out both commitments.

The first commitment involves how you treat others: Commit yourself to being trustworthy. Trustworthiness exists when a person always recognizes and respects the incredible infinite worth and value of another, and remembers that they are vulnerable and can be hurt. This is not to say that we can’t be playful, and sometimes even rowdy. But when we are given access to a person’s innermost self, we recognize it as a special privilege and remember that this is where they are vulnerable. We realize our potential to hurt them and we commit ourselves to doing everything in our power to avoid hurting, devaluing, disrespecting or dishonoring them. We commit ourselves to being trustworthy. We recognize that no one owes us trust. In fact, if we truly care about the other’s well-being we would do well not to even ask them to trust us. Rather we can simply focus on being as trustworthy as possible and humbly allow them to determine the extent to which they feel safe trusting us.

The second commitment involves how I treat myself. This is actually the key element: Require others to be trustworthy toward you. This commitment requires that you first recognize and respect your own incredible worth and value, your own vulnerability. As a result, you require anyone that you allow access into your inner sanctuary to proceed with honor and care. When someone gets distracted and forgets to treat you with honor, you respectfully inform them that access to your inner sanctuary is a special privilege that is granted by invitation only, that they will be asked to leave if they continue to behave poorly, and future access may be denied. They need to prove themselves worthy of your trust. You do not owe them your trust, it is earned and must be maintained and continually reestablished through respectful, honoring behavior.

It is important to understand that trust is never something that is earned once and for all. Trust is something that is warranted by consistent honor and care towards another. Trust can be betrayed in an instant. Becoming caught up in your own feelings while even momentarily forgetting about the ultimate well-being of the other is all it takes to be untrustworthy. Thus, focusing on being trustworthy towards the other is far more useful then focusing on getting the other to trust you. When you additionally make respect and honor of you a prerequisite to allowing someone access to your own vulnerable places you begin to trust yourself, and feel deeply cared for and self-confident. Therefore, even if the other person forgets to care about you, even for a moment, you know that you won’t forget!

When two people mutually commit themselves to being simultaneously trustworthy towards the other, and require the other to treat them with honor and respect, the relationship begins to feel extremely safe. Both will tend to relax and open up, creating greater opportunities for deep and satisfying intimacy. If you consistently act in a trustworthy manner others will be far more likely to choose to trust you. After all, isn’t feeling safe enough to relax, open up and just be yourself without the fear of being ridiculed or rejected the state that most of us want to live in. And isn’t the ideal relationship one where entering into the other’s presence feels like coming home into the safety of the garden.

Five Keys Steps to Forgiveness

Posted on May 24, 2010 by in Conflict Resolution, Featured

1. Become soft and tender with the person. The first step is to become soft in your mind and spirit. Lower your voice and relax your facial expressions. This reflects honor and humility; and as Proverbs 15:1 suggests, “A gentle answer turns away anger.”

2. Understand, as much as possible, what the other person has endured. It’s important to genuinely understand the pain your mate feels and how she has interpreted your offensive behavior. Ask for her interpretation of what occurred. The goal is to listen and understand what your mate is feeling. Resist defending yourself, lecturing, or questioning why she did or didn’t do something. The best way to accomplish this is by using the “Drive-through Talking” technique described on p. 18.

3. Admit the person has been wounded and admit any wrong in provoking that hurt. The third step is to take ownership of your offensive behavior. A person feels valuable when she hears you admit your mistake, and sees that you understand how she feels. Sometimes this is all it takes to open a closed spirit.

4. Touch the person gently. If you try to touch someone with a spirit knotted in anger, you will find out just how deep the hurt is. The first response may very well be a stiffening or pulling away—but persistent softness expressed in meaningful touches, like the gentle massage of a knotted muscle, can go a long way toward draining anger and negative feelings.

5. Seek forgiveness and wait for a response. The final step is to give the person the opportunity to respond to your confession. Ask if she could find it in her heart to forgive you. You’ll know true restoration has occurred when forgiveness is granted and she allows you to touch her.

Tiger can thank his sister-in-law for his marriage and so can you!

Posted on March 11, 2010 by in Celebrity Love, Forgiveness

I was browsing my marriage articles I read each week and found this post by Perez Hilton (who I certainly do not endorse, but found the article led me to some important insights):

Then, her twin sister, Josefin, came to her and persuaded her not to file the papers while she was so emotional. She urged Elin to think of the children and let the papers sit until she could make the decision rationally, rather than out of anger. Then, when Tiger finally came to Elin to apologize, it was Josefin who insisted that she could repair her marriage if she wanted to.

Read More: Tiger Has His Sister-In-Law To Thank For His Marriage! | PerezHilton.com http://perezhilton.com/2010-03-11-tiger-has-his-sister-in-law-to-thank-for-his-marriage#ixzz0hw2dnpiB
Celebrity Juice, Not from Concentrate

Why was this post important? Because every marriage needs a Josefin.  Whether this post is true or not, does not matter to me.  Because  the point is true, we all need someone in our lives that encourages us to stay together whether that be for the kids, our own lives, or something else.  Too many marriages end in divorce when they do not need to end in divorce.  Sometimes we need to suck it up and hang in there, patiently waiting for God to change our spouse’s heart.

If we bail too quickly, we run the risk of missing out on a miracle or our spouse’s change of heart.  What’s the rush? Slow down and take your time.  Divorce is so painful, and frankly, it practically always makes things worse.  There’s no need to rush to divorce.  Let the “Josefins” in your life encourage you when you need encouragement the most.

Why do Christians do bad things?

Posted on January 26, 2010 by in Life, Q&A, Video Podcasts

Watch as Michael Smalley helps this user understand why people who claim to be Christians do hurtful things.

[Leave a comment with your ideas and get entered to win a copy of "Joy that Lasts", a great resource when things get tough!]

A Gentle Answer Turns Away Wrath… Really?

Posted on January 8, 2010 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Forgiveness

I reconnected with an old friend today. This verse in Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stirs up anger.” I was challenged to look back and see if we’ve made any progress in putting this message into practice. As I look back on the last 15 years of my marriage to Michael I see many times I’ve blown it and blown up at Michael, the kids or others. And there have been some victories as well when I have held my tongue, turned the other cheek, and responded with patience and gentleness.

If I’m honest I can’t say that every time Michael gave me a gentle answer I turned from my wrath. So does it mean that this scripture doesn’t apply to me or us? I know that’s not the right answer but that’s how I feel. As a Christ follower, I am confronted with my own questioning and doubt in this area of my life. And as we hear from so many of you I hear your frustration of wanting and doing the right thing- like turning away anger with a gentle response. So what gives?

When I don’t know the answers to my questions I go back to a prayer I have prayed since high school. “God give me wisdom and understanding.” Solomon was the wisest and richest man that supposedly ever lived. He seemed like a great person to pattern my life after. He was rich and he made wise choices. Asking for wisdom is like a buy one get three free coupon. I ask for wisdom but what I get has multiple positive outcomes.

Gaining wisdom helps me gain perspective. Do you remember the Matrix movie? Remember Orpheus asking Neal if he wanted to take the red pill or the blue pill? Neal chose to see the alternate dimension that was a reality he wasn’t aware of before. I like to think of wisdom as choosing to see the multiple layers of the human condition that is happening all around. I want to know why so I can understand and possibly react in a way that might help that person make a better choice. Some of you may be married to someone like me who flies off the handle- I’m not physically abusive but my words can pierce like an arrow. I am learning how to deal with my tongue and can see the freedom of taking responsibility for my tone, my harshness, my unrealistic expectations, etc. that drive people away from me.

It is in my nature to want to fight, to pursue, and to finish what I start. I’m not a quitter and in the past I felt like if I stopped an argument I was giving up—so I left my Michael verbally bloodied and bruised. I’m not saying he didn’t throw a few verbal punishes my way, but I was the professional at anger, and still am, unfortunately. So what has made a difference? Michael’s gentle answers, firm boundaries, and the conviction of the Holy Spirit have set me up to succeed. If you know someone who struggles with a temper like me- I want you to feel the freedom to stand up for yourself. If the person you love is a Christ follower then by confronting the person in love you are keeping them from sinning against you.

I suggest you start taking some time to think and pray about what to say. Second, pick the right time and place. And then when you are ready, humbly approach the person by saying something like, “I recognize our relationship has been difficult and there are some things I want to do differently. ___________ Fill in the blank with something personal you want to change that doesn’t blame, shame, or criticize your spouse. “I don’t want to allow things to build up and for me to become more resentful. I want to commit to handling myself better.” Then, and only then, share your need for change in the dynamic of your relationship. You might say something like, “I need us to commit to allowing each other to take a time-out when either one of us feels like the conversation isn’t going well. I will commit to coming back to the topic at a specified time, but I cannot allow us to demean each other like we have in the past. It is not good for you or me to get out of hand like we have.” (The “we” statements will help the other person not feel totally at fault- remember it’s not about assigning blame it’s about setting a boundary)

If your spouse shuts down and seems to punish you when you share hurtful feelings then approaching the situation with prayer, good timing, and vulnerability looks a little different. When I do it right I say things like this to Michael when I know he is shut down, “It seems like you are really upset right now. I want to let you know when you are ready to talk I will be open to hearing your feelings and needs.” Then I walk away and leave the ball in his court. He has tested me for a while but if I don’t act mad or upset he usually opens up and let’s me know what is bothering him. If days were to go by and I could still tell he was shut down then I would call in back up, like our small group or a trusted mentor.

I recently visited with a couple where the man shut down because he felt that by not engaging, he was being loving because he wasn’t adding to the chaos of the argument. If this is the case please try to understand that not engaging might be sending the message of not caring. His intention may very well be to care enough to not allow chaos to rein or to hurt the relationship more than what it was currently experiencing. But it might just send the wrong signal and end up hurting the relationship anyways. I like to call this behavior the “peace at all cost” type.

The war rages underneath the pleasant and many times not so pleasant surface. If you identify with this scenario know those around you feel the tension and the jabs you take at each other. Your kids rarely miss jabs.

So to finish this post, I think the thing that has changed the most in me is my self-justification of my anger. I no longer blame others for my poor response. I recognize the absolute dishonor and sin that it is. There’s something about agreeing with God and allowing Him to use my sin to draw me into a more humble attitude. I no longer want to tolerate my anger as just “how I am.” I am a child of a King, dearly loved, and called by my Father to love others fully and completely. And allowing my defensive, critical, and blaming attitude does not produce the righteous life God desires.

I have been set free to love others- even when I’m cranky- I really do have a choice and the more I recognize it the more freedom I have through Christ to live free from the bondage of my anger or expectations of others. My slavery probably looks different than many of yours but my deliverer doesn’t. I love this verse “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery Gal. 5:1.

If you really want to learn how to resolve conflict and to improve your marital satisfaction, then check out our Embrace series instant download.  You get our full seminar for couples on audio, powerpoint files, handouts, and a great workbook that you can print out as many times as you want! Click here to purchase today for only $49.95!