Then, her twin sister, Josefin, came to her and persuaded her not to file the papers while she was so emotional. She urged Elin to think of the children and let the papers sit until she could make the decision rationally, rather than out of anger. Then, when Tiger finally came to Elin to apologize, it was Josefin who insisted that she could repair her marriage if she wanted to.

Read More: Tiger Has His Sister-In-Law To Thank For His Marriage! | PerezHilton.com http://perezhilton.com/2010-03-11-tiger-has-his-sister-in-law-to-thank-for-his-marriage#ixzz0hw2dnpiB
Celebrity Juice, Not from Concentrate

Why was this post important? Because every marriage needs a Josefin.  Whether this post is true or not, does not matter to me.  Because  the point is true, we all need someone in our lives that encourages us to stay together whether that be for the kids, our own lives, or something else.  Too many marriages end in divorce when they do not need to end in divorce.  Sometimes we need to suck it up and hang in there, patiently waiting for God to change our spouse’s heart.

If we bail too quickly, we run the risk of missing out on a miracle or our spouse’s change of heart.  What’s the rush? Slow down and take your time.  Divorce is so painful, and frankly, it practically always makes things worse.  There’s no need to rush to divorce.  Let the “Josefins” in your life encourage you when you need encouragement the most.

[Leave a comment with your ideas and get entered to win a copy of "Joy that Lasts", a great resource when things get tough!]

If I’m honest I can’t say that every time Michael gave me a gentle answer I turned from my wrath. So does it mean that this scripture doesn’t apply to me or us? I know that’s not the right answer but that’s how I feel. As a Christ follower, I am confronted with my own questioning and doubt in this area of my life. And as we hear from so many of you I hear your frustration of wanting and doing the right thing- like turning away anger with a gentle response. So what gives?

When I don’t know the answers to my questions I go back to a prayer I have prayed since high school. “God give me wisdom and understanding.” Solomon was the wisest and richest man that supposedly ever lived. He seemed like a great person to pattern my life after. He was rich and he made wise choices. Asking for wisdom is like a buy one get three free coupon. I ask for wisdom but what I get has multiple positive outcomes.

Gaining wisdom helps me gain perspective. Do you remember the Matrix movie? Remember Orpheus asking Neal if he wanted to take the red pill or the blue pill? Neal chose to see the alternate dimension that was a reality he wasn’t aware of before. I like to think of wisdom as choosing to see the multiple layers of the human condition that is happening all around. I want to know why so I can understand and possibly react in a way that might help that person make a better choice. Some of you may be married to someone like me who flies off the handle- I’m not physically abusive but my words can pierce like an arrow. I am learning how to deal with my tongue and can see the freedom of taking responsibility for my tone, my harshness, my unrealistic expectations, etc. that drive people away from me.

It is in my nature to want to fight, to pursue, and to finish what I start. I’m not a quitter and in the past I felt like if I stopped an argument I was giving up—so I left my Michael verbally bloodied and bruised. I’m not saying he didn’t throw a few verbal punishes my way, but I was the professional at anger, and still am, unfortunately. So what has made a difference? Michael’s gentle answers, firm boundaries, and the conviction of the Holy Spirit have set me up to succeed. If you know someone who struggles with a temper like me- I want you to feel the freedom to stand up for yourself. If the person you love is a Christ follower then by confronting the person in love you are keeping them from sinning against you.

I suggest you start taking some time to think and pray about what to say. Second, pick the right time and place. And then when you are ready, humbly approach the person by saying something like, “I recognize our relationship has been difficult and there are some things I want to do differently. ___________ Fill in the blank with something personal you want to change that doesn’t blame, shame, or criticize your spouse. “I don’t want to allow things to build up and for me to become more resentful. I want to commit to handling myself better.” Then, and only then, share your need for change in the dynamic of your relationship. You might say something like, “I need us to commit to allowing each other to take a time-out when either one of us feels like the conversation isn’t going well. I will commit to coming back to the topic at a specified time, but I cannot allow us to demean each other like we have in the past. It is not good for you or me to get out of hand like we have.” (The “we” statements will help the other person not feel totally at fault- remember it’s not about assigning blame it’s about setting a boundary)

If your spouse shuts down and seems to punish you when you share hurtful feelings then approaching the situation with prayer, good timing, and vulnerability looks a little different. When I do it right I say things like this to Michael when I know he is shut down, “It seems like you are really upset right now. I want to let you know when you are ready to talk I will be open to hearing your feelings and needs.” Then I walk away and leave the ball in his court. He has tested me for a while but if I don’t act mad or upset he usually opens up and let’s me know what is bothering him. If days were to go by and I could still tell he was shut down then I would call in back up, like our small group or a trusted mentor.

I recently visited with a couple where the man shut down because he felt that by not engaging, he was being loving because he wasn’t adding to the chaos of the argument. If this is the case please try to understand that not engaging might be sending the message of not caring. His intention may very well be to care enough to not allow chaos to rein or to hurt the relationship more than what it was currently experiencing. But it might just send the wrong signal and end up hurting the relationship anyways. I like to call this behavior the “peace at all cost” type.

The war rages underneath the pleasant and many times not so pleasant surface. If you identify with this scenario know those around you feel the tension and the jabs you take at each other. Your kids rarely miss jabs.

So to finish this post, I think the thing that has changed the most in me is my self-justification of my anger. I no longer blame others for my poor response. I recognize the absolute dishonor and sin that it is. There’s something about agreeing with God and allowing Him to use my sin to draw me into a more humble attitude. I no longer want to tolerate my anger as just “how I am.” I am a child of a King, dearly loved, and called by my Father to love others fully and completely. And allowing my defensive, critical, and blaming attitude does not produce the righteous life God desires.

I have been set free to love others- even when I’m cranky- I really do have a choice and the more I recognize it the more freedom I have through Christ to live free from the bondage of my anger or expectations of others. My slavery probably looks different than many of yours but my deliverer doesn’t. I love this verse “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery Gal. 5:1.

If you really want to learn how to resolve conflict and to improve your marital satisfaction, then check out our Embrace series instant download.  You get our full seminar for couples on audio, powerpoint files, handouts, and a great workbook that you can print out as many times as you want! Click here to purchase today for only $49.95!

Smart Marriages is an organization founded and directed by Diane Sollee and I get Diane’s newsletter each week (sometimes daily). Peggy Vaughan recently wrote to Diane about the societal factors of infidelity, in other words, a powerful reason why someone might seek out an affair:

Dear Diane,

I just watched Oprah which featured a rare on-camera interview with an Amishcouple (taped prior to the Amish school shooting). The interview revealed that in Amish marriages, there are NO divorces and NO extramarital affairs.

As you know, beginning with the initial publication of “The Monogamy Myth” in 1989, I have advocated looking beyond just the personal failures of individuals or particular marriages to recognize that “societal factors” also play a role in affairs.

The Amish society is quite different from our more general society… which leads their attitudes about marriage to be drastically different as well.

Below are some quotes from the interview that demonstrate this:

Oprah: “What happens if you get tired of each other? What if you say, ‘I don’t want to be married to you anymore?’”

Amish: You go into marriage knowing this is for keeps. There is no divorce. You work on it, you talk about it, you go for counseling if need be.”

Oprah: “Is there any adultery?”

Amish: “No, not that I know of.”

Finally, perhaps the most amazing and inspiring comment of all: “We’re really happy. We have 100% contentment.”

Most of us think everything about the Amish way of life would be impossible, but their lives provide hope that it’s possible to change the larger society’s attitudes about marriage and about extramarital affairs.

Peggy Vaughan
website: http://www.dearpeggy.com
Blog: http://www.dearpeggy.com/blog/

Create an environment in your marriage where divorce is not an option and an affair is not an option and see what happens. If you ever think, “Well, if this doesn’t get any better, then I…” or “I wonder what it would be like to sleep with…” These kinds of thoughts undermine your commitment to the marriage and will have financial, emotional, and spiritual consequences if you continue to think about them.

Sadly, some of us use anger as a tool to manipulate or intimidate another person into giving up or to control the discussion. Some of us protest with anger when we are not getting our way.

Anger generally creates anger or withdrawal in the other party. What starts out to be a legitimate attempt to communicate or resolve a difficult problem becomes worse. Anger often prevents clear thinking and interferes with goodwill.

What is anger’s purpose?

Anger is like pain. It is a warning. Pain tells us that something is wrong in our body and that we need to attend to it and take corrective action. People who ignore chronic pain without understanding its source take a chance that the cause of the pain will become aggravated by neglect.

via Anger is normal: It’s all in how you deal with it | INFORUM | Fargo, ND .

Maybe you’re a blamer. Frustrated with your job, you struggle through all of your relationships. You blame your problems on trivial things. Blaming others make winning almost impossible because arguments and fighting usually result.

I encourage you to resist making “you” statements such as, “You’re the one who needs to change,” “You should have warned me that our marriage was in trouble,” “You’re not the same woman I married,” and “You weren’t submissive enough,” as reasons for your behavior. These “you” statements are devastating, and they seldom improve your situation.

Using a statement such as, “You were just too sensitive,” stirs up more anger. As this happens, the blaming backfires and exposes your resistance to improve or change.

You are not at the mercy of those who push your buttons. They do not have to control how you react. You do not have to give them the power to determine what you think or what you do. You must take control of yourself and your emotions. You must learn that blaming others for our insecurities and fears is a dead end.

When we stop blaming others for our shortcomings, we diffuse anger and resolve conflicts.

The degree of self-control you have is in direct proportion to the degree of self-acceptance you have. Put another way, if you don’t value yourself, you won’t tend to put any “reins” on your behavior.

In Biblical Greek, the word picture for the word self-control is of a horseman “pulling in the reins” on a horse. In our lives, it’s a picture of our need to “pull in the reins” on a habit.

Ask yourself today, “Are there any habits or attitudes that you need to “pull in the reins” on? Like anger? Selfishness? Envy?

If we don’t see our tremendous value in Christ, our self-worth won’t be very high. And carrying around low self-worth is an open invitation to bad habits and a loss of control.

Thank You, Lord, that because I’m so valuable to You, I can say “no” to those things I need to.

2. Understand, as much as possible, what the other person has endured. It’s important to genuinely understand the pain your mate feels and how she has interpreted your offensive behavior. Ask for her interpretation of what occurred. The goal is to listen and understand what your mate is feeling. Resist defending yourself, lecturing, or questioning why she did or didn’t do something. The best way to accomplish this is by using the “Drive-through Talking” technique described on p. 18.

3. Admit the person has been wounded and admit any wrong in provoking that hurt. The third step is to take ownership of your offensive behavior. A person feels valuable when she hears you admit your mistake, and sees that you understand how she feels. Sometimes this is all it takes to open a closed spirit.

4. Touch the person gently. If you try to touch someone with a spirit knotted in anger, you will find out just how deep the hurt is. The first response may very well be a stiffening or pulling away—but persistent softness expressed in meaningful touches, like the gentle massage of a knotted muscle, can go a long way toward draining anger and negative feelings.

5. Seek forgiveness—and wait for a response. The final step is to give the person the opportunity to respond to your confession. Ask if she could find it in her heart to forgive you. You’ll know true restoration has occurred when forgiveness is granted and she allows you to touch her.

There is a multitude of stage theories, so which one is the correct one? There are theories involving three, four, five, six, seven, ten, and twelve different stages. The most famous model is a misapplication of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of coping with dying: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (DABDA for short). This model for mourning is the most egregious one since it is a totally erroneous application of her work.

via Stages of Grief – Time For a New Model | Psychology Today.

via Face Off: Misunderstood Expressions Facilitate Adolescent Aggression.

It is next to impossible to have an open heart, receptive to God’s will, if we are in serious conflict with others. God desires a sincere gift, not tarnished with unreconciled differences and past hurts. We are responsible to make sure people we have offended, or been offended by, are freed from the bondage’s of anger, vengeance, or hate.

So is anyone excluded from receiving our forgiveness? According to Matthew 5:44-48, even our enemies are worthy of forgiveness:

“But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

What a verse! Again it touches on the very nature of our incredible God who is merciful and gracious to all. We are called to be perfect, “as your heavenly Father is perfect”. Understanding that we cannot be perfect while existing on this planet, the verse is calling us to strive for Christ’s perfection. Christ’s willingness to love those who were unlovable. To care for those who were prostitutes, thieves, and yes, even tax collectors. To forgive those who most offend us. Why our enemies? God knows how much unresolved anger kills the spirit within, and designs this command to help free us from eternal regret.

No one is to be excluded from our forgiveness. Some of the greatest verses exploring the complexity of forgiveness are Romans 12:14-21. We will quote the passage at length because of their foundational quality regarding forgiveness:

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live I harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary:
‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’”
We are encouraged to bless people who persecute us. To some Christians, and probably many nonChristians, this seems very masochistic. Bless our enemies! Sure, if we were Christ maybe we could pull that off, but we are human. Remember, being human means we are created in God’s image, therefore we have the capacity to pull this off. Trust in God that this humanitarian rule serves to better the human condition rather than defile it. Think of all the hate crimes that never seem to find a resolution. This idea of blessing reminds us of turning the other cheek. Evil begets evil and love begets love.

In the passage we also read, “In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head”. When I first read this passage I imagined that forgiveness and love toward those who hurt us is painful for the perpetrator. My mind wanted to believe that loving and forgiving made evil people suffer. However, this was not Christ’s message. In further study I learned the custom of placing hot coals on someone’s head was actually a kind gesture. A surprise to me! I’m not sure how I would receive someone placing hot coals on my head. But it was a different time.

Placing coals on someone’s head was helpful because it kept the weary traveler warm throughout the cold desert nights. It was a way of honoring someone. This is why we are commanded to forgive. Remember the “Golden Rule”? We need to do for others what we would want done to us. Would we want someone to refuse to forgive us because we sinned against him or her?

At one time we were great friends. Then I sensed there was a wall between us. We were still casual friends, and I attributed any distance between us to the fact that we no longer lived in the same city; we now lived halfway across the country from each other. And anyway, I figured if there were anything between us, he would talk to me about it.

Well, not long ago, I was staying in a hotel in the town where Larry lives. While I was there, I got a call from him. “We’ve got to talk,” he said.

“All right,” I answered, “about what?”

“I’ve been upset with you for about nine years now,” he answered, amazing me. As he went on, I was even more appalled. “I’ve been really angry with you all that time, and I can’t shake it,” he said, his voice quivering. “I’ve tried to tell myself I would get over it in time, but it won’t go away. I think about it a lot. Now it’s affecting what I do in my job and my other relationships too. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I have to get this thing resolved. Can we meet?”

Words like that from a friend make you sick to your stomach. As Larry spoke I asked myself over and over, What did I do? What does this involve? Of course I agreed to meet with him.

We got together at a restaurant, and there the story came out, though it took about five hours. Larry cried, I cried, and at one point it got so emotional that his nose started bleeding. One messy scene! But he finally got out this deep anger he had been carrying for all those years.

The problem had grown out of a decision we had made nine years before: Together we were going to confront a guy with whom we both had major disagreements. This was a very serious situation, and we were both equally upset. We went to see the man, and when we got there, the guy said to me, “I’ll discuss the problem you and I have with each other, but I’d rather not have both of you ganging up on me.”

So I talked it over with Larry, who agreed to leave the conversation—and the scene. I remember, as we parted, telling Larry I was sorry and that we would talk later. But as things turned out, Larry thought I had sided with the other guy and deserted him as a friend. I had actually doubled Larry’s anger. I left him with his anger toward the other person unresolved and unintentionally I also added hurt to his anger.

So Larry walked away thinking, How could Gary have done this to me? We were going to talk to the man together, and he just discarded me like I’m not of any value. Yet I had never understood what I had done or how my friend felt about it until that day in the restaurant.

When I heard his feelings and how the incident had affected him for nine years, I grieved deeply. I had not intended to give more loyalty to our adversary than to my good friend.

Fortunately, our relationship was healed that day. We cried together, hugged each other, and sought each other’s forgiveness. The anger was finally drained out of my friend but not before he had suffered depression and other signs of unhappiness for nine years. And since that time, we’ve gone on to develop a deeper friendship than ever before.

Some might say that Larry was overreacting and in time would have gotten over it. That’s what he had thought would happen, but it didn’t. There are thousands of people who wish they could shake off the effects of old offenses, but the truth is, many just can’t. And because they aren’t able to get over it, the damage continues inside them, sometimes for years.

Most of us bury our anger so quickly that we don’t know what we’re doing. Then it does its sneaky damage. It often leads to our lashing out at others. Or it gets turned inward, where it can become depression. Some may pretend it’s simply not there, but it is.

“What do you need…right now…to feel loved…to know you’re number one…?”

Ezra 7:28 (Those who honor God will be honored; the same is true with earthly relationships)
“And praise him for demonstrating such unfailing love to me by honoring me before the king, his council, and all his mighty princes! I felt encouraged because the gracious hand of the LORD my God was on me. And I gathered some of the leaders of Israel to return with me to Jerusalem.”

Romans 12:10 (Giving honor is better than receiving honor)
“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.”

When you learn to ask this kind of question, the focus of your relationship goes from problem focused to solution focused or a positive focus.

When you ask the question, you had better make sure you LISTEN

L ook your mate in the eyes
I nquire for clarity
S earch for the meaning
Mark 4:12
‘They see what I do, but they don’t perceive its meaning. They hear my words, but they don’t understand. So they will
not turn from their sins and be forgiven.”’
T alk in aggreement
E ngage in solutions
N ever critisize

You can not listen if you are not humble. Proud is loud!

1 Kings 19:12-13 (If we are proud we are loud and we can’t hear the gentle whisper of God, like Elijah)
“And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave.”

In Middle Eastern countries, it was the slaves who washed the feet of guests; here Christ took the place of a slave. He makes this clear to His disciples: if their Lord and Teacher has washed their feet, then they should wash one another’s feet, that is, serve each other in humility. This must have been a striking rebuke to the Twelve, for just that evening they had been debating who was to be the greatest!

Luke 22:24–26
“And they began to argue among themselves as to who would be the greatest in the coming Kingdom. Jesus told them, “In this world the kings and great men order their people around, and yet they are called ‘friends of the people.’ But among you, those who are the greatest should take the lowest rank, and the leader should be like a servant.”

Listening allows us to learn from our spouse. Talking too much can indicate that our ideas are better than our spouse’s.

James 1:19-20
“My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God’s sight.”

When we truly LISTEN, it is always followed by action.

No one likes divorce, especially a guy who works very hard at helping couples to avoid it. But there are literally millions of couples and families dealing with the hurtful effects from divorce, and I need to do a better job reaching out and posting specific articles, research, and other helpful tips for couples who want to be successful in their second (or more) marriages.

Our intensive program is full of couples who are on their second marriage. Even though I have not experienced divorce myself, I do get the chance to work many hours with the effects and special issues of second marriages and stepfamilies through our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.

How do you ensure a successful second marriage? Easy. Work. Education. Work. Patience. Work. More education. Lots more work. And tons of grace. I’m not trying to be goofy, but the very real reality is that second marriages have an even higher divorce rate than first marriages. My simplified understanding to this problem is because of the amount of hurt, conflict, and stress the second marriage begins with.

If you want to be successful at your second marriage then you are going to have to put in the time to love each other well and learn each others’ love language (check out Gary Chapman’s book on this). But here are three concrete things you can do to make your second marriage a success:

1. Recognize what you did wrong in the first marriage and fix that immediately.
   You were not perfect, even if you were only at fault for 20% of the problems in your first marriage, you need to spend 100% of your time fixing that 20%.  Whatever dysfunction you had in the first marriage will not magically disappear in your second marriage.  Negative patterns and behaviors have a way of repeating themselves.  Your new marriage will have its own set of issues, so please do not bring in old issues.
2. Learn new ways of dealing with hurt feelings (LUV Talk), anger (LUV Talk), and unmet expectations (LUV Talk).
   LUV Talk is our communication method that you can learn through Embrace, The DNA of Relationships, or Don’t Date Naked and More than a Match.  When things go wrong you need a strict way of communicating feelings and needs.  You need a system to follow in order to keep the conversation safe and productive.  But let me just say this, one of the greatest things you can do when you experience a negative reaction is to simply take a time-out.  This is not permission to withdraw or avoid, but simply permission to say something like, “I am really upset right now and I need about an hour to calm down.  Can we talk in an hour?”
3. Give your stepchildren a break and simply take a big breath.
   One of the most stressful things about a second marriage are the stepkids.  This is not a slam on stepchildren, but rather a reality of second marriages.  Kids from divorce usually do not like the fact that their parents got divorced.  This anger and sadness carries itself in to the stepfamily.  Relax.  Give the kids room to be hurt and upset.  Work on validating any feelings or needs that come out (even if they do it unfairly or angrily).  They need time to adjust to the new family and forcing them to like the new parent will never work out in your best interest.

Well what do you think?  Do these three ideas seem possible?  You can make a second marriage work, it just takes work.  Do not give up, another divorce is only going to make things even more difficult and more painful.  You can do this and you will if you work at becoming more loving and caring toward your spouse and children.

A marriage crisis is a faith crisis. I’m convinced of it more everyday. I am on my knees praying for you hoping you will listen to God’s wisdom and deep longing to understand your pain. God does see you, but do you see Him? If you are in a marriage and miserable then don’t give up, reach out and reach up. Reach out to someone who will first listen to you and try to understand what you are going through then challenge you to grow. Bitterness is never an option! Tell yourself you will not be bitter you will be better and your marriage can survive. Humble yourself before someone who cares.  First go to God- then a counselor or a mentor. Don’t go to the world for advice. Don’t revisit your old high school crushes on Facebook. You are in trouble! You become apart of the problem when you grow bitter. My heart goes out to you because that bitterness is born out of hurt and frustration and for that I am truly sorry. But please don’t shut your heart with bitterness. You are walling yourself off to your Healer and Deliverer. The warm blanket of anger I know full well. It seems like a comfort, like a release of care but it will strangle your life, your passion, and everything good about you.

Please love yourself enough to get help before you do loose hope.  In your darkest hours you hear a voice that calls out, “The change isn’t real.  You can’t be happy with your spouse.  It’s too late.” Oh my friend I’m so glad Jesus didn’t say that to the thief on the cross. As long as we have breathe and conviction we have an opportunity to truly live. Truly living is truly loving.  It is the hardest most fulfilling opportunity you’ll ever have.

Can you hear my pain? I need to know that someone has seen the other side. What do I tell these men and women who have admittedly blown it (not physical abuse, affairs or chemical dependence, personality disorder stuff, or just plain stupidity)? How long do they hang on? How long do they try to love their spouse well. How long do they stay out on the limb hoping the other person will see their change? If you have been through this and come out on the other side I want to hear from you. Tell me how to encourage them. I’ve tried validating feelings and challenging negative beliefs but it seems too late.

God help me find a way to make it through. There are so many children’s lives at stake. I know we have free will but why don’t we have compassion? I listen to these cold bitter people and my heart breaks for them because they are hurting too but they don’t see the light. They don’t see joy on the other side of the pain. Let me hear from you. How can I pray for you? Please if you have gone through this post your response.

What’s better than the lazy, lump-on-a-log dad stereotype? Well, the whiney, nagging wife stereotype of course. Thanks to Melissa Kossler Dutton at Patagraph.com we got a decent dose of both. In her March 9^th article, “Moms mad at dad: A touch of rage on the homefront” Dutton aims blame squarely on dads as she assesses, “Men still don’t pull their weight.”

Dutton’s article focuses on the fact that moms are filled with rage because of their husbands. Moms almost walk on water and their anger is given a pass time and time again. Her article is a reactionary piece like many similar gripe session articles that all were born from the article “Mad at Dad” from Parenting.com. The “Mad at Dad” article is a real gem and pulls on such great statistics like:

Fatherhood Examiner: Angry Wives Examined: Who’s to Blame?.

Just to be clear, NO YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ANGER!  Did I make my point clear enough? No one makes us angry, we choose to be angry no matter how worthless your husband may be with the kids, it is up to you on how you respond to it.

Check out my sermon notes below and let me know what you think. I do not know if they are going to record my sermon tomorrow, but if they do, I will add the audio to this post later on Sunday.  Here are my notes:

Red Letters: Counter culture Christ; what Jesus said about love.

Luke 6:27-36 (The Message)

1. Love your enemies

27-30″To you who are ready for the truth, I say this: Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person. If someone slaps you in the face, stand there and take it. If someone grabs your shirt, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.

a. The people who hassle you (the car in front of me today whipping in and out of traffic on Gosling!)
b. The people who abuse you

“Forgiveness means it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back.” Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith (Riverhead Trade, 2006)

c. The people who steal from you
d. This is so important that he repeats it a second time!

35-36 “I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.

Every night on the news, we hear horrifying reports from Iraq. In a recent Breakpoint Commentary, Charles Colson shared this moving story about a U.S. triage facility doing its best to save the lives of two Iraqi insurgents:  The U.S. medical team moved heaven and earth to save their lives. One insurgent, however, was not going to survive unless he got 30 pints of blood…  The call went out for volunteer donors; minutes later, dozens of GIs had lined up.  At the head of the line was a battle-hardened soldier named Brian Suam. Asked if it mattered that his blood was going to an insurgent, he smiled and said no—”A human life is a human life.” – Chuck Colson

e. It might help your enemy, but I can promise that it will help you!

“Ye have enemies, for who can live on this Earth without them? Take heed to yourselves: love them. In no way can thine enemy so hurt thee by his violence, as thou dost hurt thyself if thou love him not.”  St. Augustine

2. Selfless love

31-34″Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that. If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal? Garden-variety sinners do that. If you only give for what you hope to get out of it, do you think that’s charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that.

a. You know what you want, now go and do that for others
b. Love those who are hard to love

John 14:15 (NLT) “If you love me, obey my commandments.”

Bible College professor Yohanna Katanacho pastored a small church in the Israeli city of Jerusalem. As a Palestinian living in Israel, and a Christian to boot, he faces a wide variety of persecution. One of the more dangerous forms of harassment comes from the Israeli soldiers who patrol the city, looking for potential terrorists. These soldiers routinely impose spontaneous curfews on Palestinians, and even have the legal right to shoot at a Palestinian if he or she does not respond quickly enough to their summons.

Christ’s command in the Sermon on the Mount to “love your enemies” seemed impossible to Yohanna. And yet there it was—unambiguous and unchanging. “For me, love was an active and counter-cultural decision, because I was living in a culture that promoted hatred of the other,” Yohanna says. “And not only did the context promote hate, but the circumstances fed it on a daily basis—the newspapers, television, media, neighbors, everything. One of the markers of the Israeli Jews and the Palestinian Arabs is alienating the other. To break that marker, I must have some other worldview.”

At first, Yohanna tried and failed in his attempts to feel love. Instead, the Israeli soldiers’ random, daily checks for Palestinian identification cards—sometimes stopping them for hours—fed Yohanna’s fear and anger. As he confessed his inability to God, Yohanna realized something significant. The radical love of Christ is not an emotion, but a decision. He decided to show love, however reluctantly, by sharing the gospel message with the soldiers on the street. With new resolution, Yohanna began to carry copies of a flyer with him, written in Hebrew and English, with a quotation from Isaiah 53 and the words “Real Love” printed across the top. Every time a soldier stopped him, he handed him both his ID card and the flyer. Because the quote came from the Hebrew Scriptures, the soldier usually asked him about it before letting him go.

After several months of this, Yohanna suddenly noticed his feelings toward the soldiers had changed. “I was surprised, you know?” he says. “It was a process, but I didn’t pay attention to that process. My older feelings were not there anymore. I would pass in the same street, see the same soldiers as before, but now find myself praying, ‘Lord, let them stop me, so that I can share with them the love of Christ.’”

“When Love Is Impossible,” Trinity Magazine

Our training program consists of a one-day workshop and it prepares individuals to present the Marriage Restoration Intensive program (a marriage intensive) or the Engaged: the eight fundamentals to lasting love program. Once you have completed the training, you are officially certified to present either of our programs.

Certification gives you the following benefits:

• You become an officially certified Smalley Marriage Consultant.
• You get listed in our approved providers section that is promoted nation wide at live events and online through our family of websites that reach tens of thousands of unique people a month.
• You get trained to work with couples in a one-day intensive format that is very powerful compared to traditional weekly counseling.
• You can increase your ministry or practice through one-day or two-day intensives for couples.
• You get to work with couples utilizing our Marriage Restoration Intensive program or the Engaged program.

Topics covered in our training program include conflict resolution, personal responsibility, validation, communication, handling anger, sexual intimacy, and much more.

The cost of our full-day training program is $2,500 plus travel expenses for an individual. If you are going to have at least 8 or more individuals at your training workshop, the price drops to $350 per person.

HOMESTUDY OPTION NOW AVAILABLE!

The cost for this self-study course is $249. You can order this program online here. If you want Michael Smalley to personally come and train you or a group, please fill out the form below.

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The reason couples stress out, and eventually get divorced, is because they don’t know what it is they are arguing about.  Couples usually believe they are arguing about finances, children, parenting strategies, affairs, chores (or the chores not being finished in the case of my house).

But these things are not why couples argue, couples argue because of core relational fears, or core fears.  Core relational fears are at the very heart of conflict.  They are at the deepest level of your hurt and they drive your anger and your frustration in your arguments with each other.

I want you to download this list of core relational fears, or core fears, and print this list out and put it in your wallet or your purse.  The next time you get upset about something and experience a negative feeling (fear, frustration, or hurt) I want you to pull this list out and pick which word (or words) that stands out the most to you at that moment.  Which ever word, or words, that stands out the most to you at that moment is your core relational fear.  The word you choose is what I want you to discuss from that moment forward.  Nothing else is as important as the feeling words on the list you can download from this post.

If you are discussing any other thing than the core relational fears list you can download from this post, you are just wasting your time arguing about meaningless things.

The reason I am posting these images is two fold: 1. They are hilarious, and frightening! 2. They remind me, believe it or not, of a marriage principle.

How could these photos possibly remind me of a marriage principle? The point of the photos in the email I received from a friend was to show that the last picture is always the worst. In marriage, this can be equally true when you do not know how to communicate effectively.

Usually the last word ends up being the last.

Here are some great resources we have to help you learn how to better communicate:

• Embrace: 7 powerful discoveries to help any marriage! This series has an excellent session on LUV Talk, which is our communication method for when you are in conflict.
• Reconstructing Love: 4 essentials for lasting love. This DVD series comes with a free workbook and has two really great sessions on how to handle anger and to communicate more effectively with each other.