The young woman’s story seemed all too familiar. She had to do some fast growing up when three major events converged at almost the same time: graduation from high school, a positive outcome on a pregnancy test, and a quick eviction notice from her parents.
The next step was all too familiar. The boyfriend who had impregnated her and spoken with such tenderness suddenly decided he “no longer loved her” and joined the Navy.
Before she could begin to get oriented to the bewildering pace of live change, she found herself with a baby, living in a one-bedroom shack, and working enough hours at a convenience store to pay the rent, hire a baby-sitter, and put food on the table.
Since there was on one else to be angry with, she became angry with her child—the baby boy with blonde hair so like his father. She was never abusive to him. She never screamed at him and always kept him diapered and fed. She simply decided she wasn’t going to touch him. When he cried, she gave him no comfort. When he woke up from a nap, she gave him no smile. For this little boy, there were no pats, no cuddles, no tickles, no handholding, and no kisses. Life had been cold to her; she was going to be cold right back.
By the time the boy was four, he had come to associate any touch at all with the fear of anger and discipline. When he misbehaved, he was spanked. That was the only kind or “touch” he knew.
The teacher of the four-year-olds’ class knew she had a significant problem within five minutes of this boy’s first day in Sunday school. To put it kindly, he was a terror. This wise teacher looked beyond the little boy’s behavior and sat down with his mother the next day. Gently yet firmly, she urged the young mother to talk to their church counselor. After first helping her to see her need of a Savior, this counselor put into her hands a book we recently revised and updated, called The Gift of the Blessing.
She read the pages hungrily and very quickly came to two crushing realizations. First, she realized that one major reason she had so hungered for intimacy with her boyfriend was that neither her mother nor father had touched her or shown any physical tenderness while she was growing up. The second thing she realized was that she was doing the very same thing to her son.
Those realizations brought deep conviction. Suddenly it all seemed clear and she broke down in the counselor’s office and wept. Maybe it wasn’t too late. Her boy was only four. She couldn’t recapture the days that had slipped by … but she could make a new beginning. She decided to make a change that very day by giving her son a big hug.
This change of heart made a deep impression on her boy. In fact, it nearly scared him to death.
“Come here,” she said to him when he came out of the Sunday school room, “Mommy wants to give you a big hug.” The little boy’s eyes went very wide and then he took off like a shot. He probably thought, It’s a trick. She’s going to catch me and then smack me one. The more she tried to catch him and hold him, the more hysterical he became.
It took time. A long time. Over and over she would say, “Now honey, I want to give you a hug—just because I love you.” Just as frequently he would scream, run away, cry, or try to fight his way out of her arms. Then came the day when he looked at her from across the room, smiled shyly, ran into her arms, and gave her a hug. That was the breakthrough in this new relationship between a mom who was learning how to touch with tenderness … and a little boy who was learning how to drink it in.
Later she would laugh and tell her counselor, “I need those hugs as much as he does!” They were both on their way to recovery.
But is touch really that powerful in a person’s life?
Recently, I (John) net a medical doctor at one of the seminars I do around the country on the Old Testament concept of “The Blessing.” After I had stressed the importance of appropriate, meaningful touch, this man told me his story. Even though he knows all about psychology, it took a lesson from a veteran nurse to show him how intensely touch can affect the lives of men, women, and babies!
This cardiologist and his wife had just had their first child-a precious, premature daughter who tipped the scales at just under three pounds. Like most doctors, he knew all too well the many complications and problems that his daughter potentially faced. As she lay hooked up to numerous monitors, it made him reluctant to touch her in her intensive care incubator.
Finally, on the second day, the head nurse of some twenty years told him, “Look, Doctor. Your child needs you to touch her. You just reach your hand in that crib and touch her. And when you do, look at what happens to the monitors.”
Reluctantly, he did so, and as he began to stroke the newborn’s tiny arms and legs, the blood, oxygen, and chemical levels began to change noticeably-and then dramatically. This doctor could read those monitors, and before his eyes he could see the positive changes taking place in her little life through those small act of touch.
It’s no accident that premature babies who are touched and held as a regular part of their hospital stay gain weight some 47 percent faster than those who are not. And it was no accident that this grateful father dates his strong emotional bond with his daughter from that day in the hospital nursery.
Loyalty to the Absent
Posted on November 3, 2010 by Greg Smalley in Marriage
“Mommy,” young Billy asked his mother on the way to school, “where are all the idiots?”
“What!” his mother said in disbelief, “Where on earth did you learn that?”
Confused by his mother’s reaction, young Billy answered, “Yesterday when daddy took me to school we saw five idiots along the way.”
What do you say about your mate in front of your kids? Is it positive or negative? Is it uplifting or does it leave your children with a bitter taste in their mouth? These were questions someone recently asked me. As I considered them, I became incredibly convicted. Like Billy’s father, countless dishonoring words and negative phrases flooded my mind. It’s not like I go around calling my wife an idiot or swearing like a sailor. That’s not my style. However, the times that I made sarcastic comments or gossiped about my wife–these were the things I thought about. Paul’s words in James 3:5-6 are so true, “Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boats. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.” That’s pretty clear. But you might be thinking, “Come on Greg…What’s the big deal?” The problem with what we say in front of others—but especially our children—is threefold.
First, when we gossip or talk negatively about our mate in front of our children it can cause insecurity. As it says in Proverbs 20:19, “A gossip betrays confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.” Likewise, when our children hear us talking about others, at some level, they begin to wonder what we say about them when they’re not present. Gossip breeds insecurity in our loved ones–especially children. This is why our goal should be “loyalty to the absent.” In other words, we should strive to honor our mate with our words (tongues) when they are not present. This creates trust and confidence in our family. If they don’t hear you gossiping about others they will not wonder what you are saying about them when they are gone.
Second, speak negatively about our mate it can cause others to develop negative beliefs about that person.
Negative thinking is when one person consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. The listener’s attitude may change from one of admiration to faultfinding. Then, much of what of what your mate does is interpreted in a negative light. He or she can do no right in the eyes of the person who is developing the negative beliefs. The major problem with negative thinking is that what humans believe about another, they tend to see and hear even if it isn’t true. In other words, what you believe about another person (positive or negative), you will find evidence of that belief in everything he or she says or does. Romans 14:14: “…but to him who thinks anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean.”
Third, gossip can poison our children. Gossip has the ability to fester deep inside someone, ready to explode at any time. As it says in Proverbs 26:22, “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts.” When we talk negatively about people, those little ears listening can begin to take up an offense against that person. When I was young my father used to tell me countless stories about his older brother Ronnie. My Uncle Ronnie would pick on my father, would tease him and do various other dastardly deeds. As you could only imagine, the first time I met my Uncle Ronnie when I was about five, the reception wasn’t as positive as Ronnie probably envisioned. After the two brothers warmly embraced, my father introduced me. As my Uncle affectionately extended his arms to greet me, I walked up, looked him right in the eyes, shouted, “This for my daddy!” and punched in square in the gut. Vengeance had been mine! Oddly enough, my Uncle Ronnie and I were never that close.
If you have been guilty of gossip or speaking negatively about your mate in front of others, the single greatest thing I’d encourage you to do is to keep track of our loved one’s positive behavior. It’s important for couples to be aware of what their mate’s does that is positive and to respond accordingly. A mate may already be doing some positive things, but you may not be totally aware of them. For a start, try to notice methodically what your mate already does that pleases you. In order to note pleasing actions, spouses begin to really look at each other. This will force you to break through the barriers that obstruct your vision of your mate’s good deeds.
The apostle Paul recognized the importance of this when he wrote: “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.” (Philippians 4:8). Then as your mind dwells on the positives you can then “brag” about those things. You can go from gossiping about your mate to bragging on them.
My experience with Uncle Ronnie reminds me why I shouldn’t gossip in front of my children. Not only can it foster insecurity, but it can foster negative beliefs and can pollute the relationship between that person and my children. I do not want my children to take up an offense against others. Instead, through my words, my desire is “loyalty to the absent” and to be a blessing to everyone. “Through the blessing of the upright a city is exalted, but by the mouth of the wicked it is destroyed” (Proverbs 11:11).