Tag Archives: communication

Those days are gonna come

Posted on December 12, 2011 by in Marriage

Gary: Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship, including marriage. When you put to- gether two people, male and female, from different backgrounds, with different customs and traditions, with varying expectations and dreams—disagreements are going to happen. The key issue is how you’re going to deal with them.

Norma: We’ve found that sometimes conflicts come to a head quickly, and sometimes they build up over a long period. In our case, one issue de- veloped over 30 years before it was resolved. The problem was that Gary started snoring, and it got worse as time went on. At first it was only irritating, even a little amusing. But as Gary’s volume increased, my patience decreased! After a while, I realized he might actually have a serious medical problem known as sleep apnea. He would literally stop breathing for a few seconds as he slept, then begin again with a start, waking up a little in the process. As a result, neither one of us was getting much quality sleep.

Gary: Like a typical man, however, I didn’t think the problem was all that serious. And I certainly was in no hurry to go to a doctor! I had to acknowl- edge, however, that neither of us was sleeping very well. But what finally drove me to seek medical help was when Norma said she would need to move into a separate bedroom if I didn’t get help! She had reached the point where she thought that was the only way she could get a little rest at night. I went to a sleep clinic, where they determined that I do, indeed, have sleep apnea. And they prescribed a breathing machine that forces air into my mouth and lungs while I sleep. It was incredible! The difference between “before” and “after” was like the difference between night and day. I soon found I had far more energy, a better ability to concentrate, and much less irritability than before.

Norma: Our experience with Gary’s sleep apnea has taught us a couple of things about marital conflict. First, if there’s frequently or sometimes even constantly a level of friction or tension between you and your spouse, it may have a physical cause. So before you draw negative conclusions about each other’s character or cooperativeness, look into that possibility. Solving your conflict could take a whole different direction from what you now think is need- ed if there is, in fact, a physical problem. (Conditions like sleep apnea, hormonal imbalances, and high blood pressure are more widespread than most people realize.) Second, when there is a conflict, we have to focus on the problem and look for solutions to it rather than focusing on the other person. Before Gary finally went and got treatment for his sleep apnea, I’ll admit there were times when I got upset with him for not taking appropriate action and so forcing me to live with his continued snoring. But most of the time, I was able to keep things in a more healthy perspective. His apnea was the problem, not Gary himself. If I had let myself get mad at Gary about it too often, we might have ended up sleeping in different houses.

Gary: That brings up another point that can’t be made too often: If a husband and wife are going to keep happily together for a lifetime, they simply must learn to give, ask for, and receive forgiveness. We will hurt each other from time to time, sometimes on purpose and sometimes without knowing it. If those injuries aren’t forgiven, the spirit of the person who was hurt will close, making real intimacy next to impossible. Because of living with me, Norma has had to become an expert at offering forgiveness!

Norma: Gary knows I’ve needed to be forgiven my share of the time, too. But I absolutely agree that a willingness to forgive and to seek forgiveness when needed is one of the most crucial foundation stones in any marriage.

The art of timing

Posted on December 5, 2011 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Marriage

There’s more to effective communication than putting together and then practicing the right message. Picking the right time and place to convey it is also crucial. In a marriage, meaningful words bring life-giving water to the soil of a person’s life. In fact, all loving relationships need the continual intake of the water of communication or they simply dry up. No marriage can survive without it.

If a man is to be truly effective in his relationships both at home and at work, he needs to develop the ability to speak the “language of the heart” (facts and feelings). Right there under the same roof is a woman who can help him learn that skill, if he is willing to listen to her.

Without meaning to, we can communicate nonverbally that other people or activities are more important to us than fam- ily. You’ve heard of football widows. How about golf orphans? Those who know us best provide the best correction. In particular, our mates, who were designed by God to complete us, are most sensitive to the areas in which we need help.

We also need to give praise and thanks to each other for special acts of kindness. Many people complain that their mate is strangely silent when they do something above and beyond the norm.

The Salt Principle is a method of gaining and holding a person’s attention by arousing curiosity. It’s a way to create a thirst for constructive conversation in which both you and your spouse can learn about each other’s needs. First, identify the need or concern to be discussed, and then identify areas of high interest to the other person—areas you can tap into to pique interest.

One of the easiest ways to reduce misunderstandings and communication friction is to share only a few thoughts with someone and then allow the person to repeat back what he or she thinks you said, much as would happen when you place an order at a fast food drive-through. This method will also improve your listening skills.

Added benefits to this kind of drive-through talking: (a) It gives you a chance to fully understand what the other person is saying before you respond, which also prevents tuning out the other per- son while he or she is talking; (b) it validates the other person and his or her opinions. When you not only listen but also repeat back what someone says, you communicate that the person and his or her opinions are important to you and worth taking seriously.

(This article was excerpted from 4 Days to a Forever Marriage by Gary and Norma Smalley.)

Rules for couple’s conflict

Posted on April 7, 2011 by in Conflict Resolution

1. Clearly define the problem. Clarify what the actual conflict is first. Then, see if there is any other reason this conflict is here. (Prov. 13:10; 18:13; 22:3)

2. Quickly acknowledged the problem soon after the mistake and try to resolve it. Don’t hope the problem will just go away. (Prov. 27:23)

3. Encourage your mate to explain and respond. Use active listening. Repeat to the other person what you heard them say. Get their agreement about what you heard them say before responding (vice-versa). Learn to listen! (Prov. 14:33; 24:3-4)

4. Discuss only one thing at a time and stay in the present. Don’t dredge up past hurts or problems, whether real or perceived. Avoiding score keeping. “You are late for dinner. I feel angry. I wanted everything to be warm and tasty.” Rather than “You are late for dinner as usual. I remember when “, etc. (Prov. 19:10; 103:12)

5. Don’t argue about details, e.g. “You were 20 min. late,” “No, I was only 13 min. late.”

6. Avoid power statements and actions. For example: “I quit!” “You’re killing me.”, etc. (Prov. 17:27; 26:21; 28:16,25; II Tim. 2:7)

7. Avoid judgment words like “you statements”. Stay with self-responsible “I” messages. (Matt. 7:1)

8. Be honest in your statements and questions. Honesty needs to be accurate, rather than agreement or perfection. (Eph. 4:15; Prov. 12:19)

9. Don’t confront when you’re angry or stressed out (cool your jets). Learn to identify your body’s own natural signs when you’re getting angry, stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down.

10. Never walk out without agreeing to take a break. It is okay to temporally stop when a solution is unclear. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off. (Eph. 4:26; Prov. 11:14)

11. Don’t use the silent treatment. Nothing gets solved this way. (Prov. 3:27; 16:13,21,24)

12. Never threaten to withdraw love. (Prov. 28:25; 29:23)

13. Control your hands and tongue. Never use sarcasm or physical violence. (Prov. 15:4; 12:18; 29:2-3; 16:13)

14. Don’t use “hysterical” statements or exaggerations at the time of conflict. (Prov. 29:11; 16:21,24)

15. Select an appropriate time and place. Don’t make a scene. Never deliberately embarrass each other or others by arguing in public. Keep your arguments in private. Perhaps even away from siblings if necessary.(Prov. 15:23; Prov. 25:11)

16. Don’t drag in outsiders unless each member agrees that this person can help find a solution or help referee. The person needs to be someone who can maintain unbiased opinion and someone who everyone respects and feels safe with. (Prov. 1:5; 12:15; 19:20; 20:18; 27:9)

17. Surround criticism with encouragement (praise bombardment). Focus on your desired expectations or positive changes rather than on faults. (Prov. 15:1; Prov. 15:13)

18. Speak directly and personally to your mate. Avoid lecturing and stay with concrete specific behavioral detail(s). (Prov. 18:23)

19. Put yourself in your mate’s shoes.

20. Don’t compare your mate to others. Be aware of each others differences and accept them (lion, otter, beaver, and golden retriever). (Prov. 22:6)

21. Give value and consideration to the interests, goals, and desires of each person. (Prov. 29:7)

22. When you’re wrong admit it. Accept any blame for the past (Was the rule clearly defined? Was it written down? Was there miscommunication?, etc.). Identify your own contribution to the problem. (Prov. 28:13; 29:23)

23. Resolve your conflicts with “Win-Win” solutions. Both agree with the solution or outcome of the argument.

24. Forgive your mate and do not hold resentment. End a fight with an act of love. (Col. 3:12-13; I Peter 3:8-9)

25. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words or actions during a conflict. (Romans 12:10; 2:3)

26. Make conflict resolution a regular habit. (Prov. 13:24)

How’s your attitude

Posted on January 20, 2011 by in Marriage

I (Michael) am currently reading a great book titled, The Energy Bus by Jon Gordon. It was recommended to me and Amy to read from a friend of ours here in The Woodlands. The essence of the book is that your attitude determines your life. We agree, and we also believe that your attitude will determine the success or failure of your marriage.

How? Simple, actually, if you believe the worst in your mate, then you will seek to prove your belief is true. Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley call this a negative belief. Negative beliefs are marriage destroyers because they suck the hope out of your relationship. If you believe your spouse is “bad”, then not matter what your spouse tries to do right, you will see their actions as “bad”. We hear the consequences of negative beliefs a lot in our Marriage Restoration Intensive program, “It’s like no matter what I try to do, she always receives it poorly. It’s like I just can’t win with her.”

The best way to eliminate negative beliefs is to do two things. 1. Make sure when you have a negative belief to ask a question, instead of judging your spouse. It might sound something like, “Hey, I might be wrong, but it feels like you’re upset with me over something. Is that accurate?” Questions can often end negative beliefs because you allow your spouse the opportunity to correct your negative belief. 2. Assume the best, instead of the worst. This can often be easier said than done. But the key is CHOOSING to believe the best and to then look for the best in your spouse.

When you ask questions and assume the best, you truly begin changing your mind and heart toward your spouse which leads to a better attitude and a better marriage.

The question is: How can I honor God and my husband?

Posted on November 14, 2010 by in Marriage, Q&A

Question:
I believe we should tithe, but my husband doesnt. My husband is a Christian, but he believes tithing isnt necessary. I disagree. How do I honor my husband and honor God? ?

Answer:
Tithing itself is not a difficult concept. Christians should live their lives open-handedacknowledging that they are merely stewards of God’s possessions. They should always be willing to give 100% of that which they steward at any time required by the Lord (Matthew 19:21). Indeed, they should even be willing to offer their very “…bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God….” (Romans 12:1).

While some argue that tithing is an Old Testament principle, Jesus never taught against it, pointing out that in Matthew 5:17 Jesus said He came to fulfill the law, not abolish it. Jesus actually affirms the practice of tithing in Matthew 23:23 while warning not to neglect the practice of “justice, mercy and faithfulness.” The New Testament teaches and encourages generous giving. 1 Corinthians 16:2 sets out four principles for givingit should be regular, personal, proportional and voluntary.??But tithing has raised some difficult questions. And, since tithing involves money, its a prime candidate for conflict between a husband and wife. The question do I tithe even if my spouse objects isnt an unusual situation, especially in light of our unpredictable economy. A recent study by researcher George Barna found that only 3 percent of Christians tithea decrease from 8 percent in 2001. The principle of tithing, it seems, is not widely practiced as it once was and certainly is not widely understood as a critical form of worship.?

First, the issue is how to honor your mate and the Lord. In terms of honoring your husband, if he strongly objects to tithing, we believe you need to respect those objections and place it on the back burner until you are able to discuss the issue together. Ignoring his objections and tithing anyway would be extremely dishonoring. Since tithing is a matter of the heart, God will honor your desire to tithe even if you are not able to give. The Lord is not concerned about money, or how much or how little you give. He is much more focused on the attitude of your heart. If you have made commitments to tithe and your husband objects to giving, God will see the desire of your heart to tithe and He will honor that commitment. God will bless you because of your attitude, not because of giving. The Scriptures make this very clear: Each man should give what he has decided in his own heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:7). Thus, there are no set amounts or percentages of income dictated, rather, “…if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have” (2 Corinthians 8:12).?

Wed also encourage you to understand the real issue. Dont get caught in the trap of making the issue about tithingto tithe or not to tithe. That discussion is a total waste of time. At this point, arguing about whos right or wrong, or what the Bible says about tithing is a waste of time because its not the real issue. Get to the real issue, but use curiosity instead of judgment. If your husband doesnt want to tithe, approach the issue with curiosity. If you say things like, We are commanded to tithe, or Youre not being a very good Christian, it will come across as judgmental. Were quite positive that judgment shuts the communication process down. Hell want to defend himself, remind you of what youre doing wrong, or whatever. The bottom line is that judgment wouldnt get you where you want to be.

The alternative to judgment is curiosity. Be curious about what the real issue is. Curiosity is honoring. Judgment is dishonoring. For your husband, the real issue might be his concerns about your financial security in an unstable economy. The real issue might be that your debt levels are so high and he feels you cant afford to tithe right now. Maybe he does not like the church you are currently attending and his lack of giving is more about supporting a church he doesnt believe in than it is about tithing? The point is to discover the real issue. And then just listenseeking to understand. Resist the urge to debate or argue his concerns or objections. That will shut down the conversation fast. When you discover the real issue, it has an amazing ability to bring empathy and understanding when there was little or none before.?

Crown Financial Ministries (www.crown.org) suggests a wonderful idea. You might want to ask your husband to let you give an amount smaller than the tithe for at least a year. If, at the end of the year, the family is worse off financially as a result of giving, you will agree to stop giving. If the family is better off, the husband may agree to give more. In Malachi 3:10, the Lord says to test Him in this thing (tithing). Often this is just the opportunity for God to prove Himself real to a doubting spouse. 2) We have tried and tried to have a devotional time as a couple and with our children. Nothing seems to work. What can we do to make this work? Are there any creative and practical ways to foster spiritual intimacy with my spouse? ?

Were all familiar with Moses and what he wrote more than 4,000 years ago in the book of Deuteronomy: Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates (Deut 6:5-9; NIV).

First, we can’t foster spiritual convictions in our children if its only during Sunday school, bedtime prayer, after dinner devotionals, or while driving to school. We must live them all day long. Our spiritual teaching should permeate throughout everything we do. It should not only be a thing we formally do, it should be informal as well. In other words, it should be in everything we do, not just during a pre-planned activity. We love the verse: pray continually (1Thes 5:17; NIV). Like prayer, passing on spiritual convictions is something that should be a part of all that we doit should never end. We need to reinforce spiritual teaching throughout the day. This teaching task is the most important assignment God has given to us as parents.

How we have meaningful devotions as a family, while keeping our children from being bored or uninvolved is the real question. And for this we have one word: Short! Or, one phrase: Keep is short silly (KISS). Children wont understand or sit through lengthy adult devotions. The rule of thumb is around five minuteswhich usually represent the attention span of young child. So, focus on one or two Bible verses and a quick prayer.

And the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate (Mark 10:8-9; NIV). This is one of the more challenging aspects in marriage: when a husband and wife begin to grow together spiritually. For many, spiritual growth can be difficult; growing spiritually as a couple presents even more challenges. What can we do?

In 1999, researcher George Barna came out with a study that showed born again Christians are more likely than others to experience divorce. This shocked many Christians and made us wonder what is going on in the church. As Erin and I pondered that question, we found a Gallup Poll that was done in 1997 by the National Association of Marriage Enhancement in Phoenix Arizona that showed the divorce rate among couples who pray together regularly is 1 out of 1,152. Thats a divorce rate of less than one percent. Could it be that prayer is the missing link in keeping couples together? Its prayer that makes two people one and binds two hearts together with the heart of God.

James, the brother of Jesus, wrote, Draw near to God and He will draw near to you (James 4:8). We believe that prayer, like no other resource in the universe, not only keeps couples together, but draws them into a deep, spiritual intimacy together.

Although we routinely encourage couples to pray together regularly, some couples do not feel comfortable praying together. Prayer is not the only way to foster spiritual intimacy together. Sadly, some couples get caught in the myth that we have to be praying together or reading the Bible together in order to grow spiritually. Dont fall into that trap. Some couples have found that listening to worship music together does the trick. Others have found participating in a small group with other couples deepens their spiritual intimacy. Make a list of all the different ways you could experience a spiritual relationship together. The longer the list the better. And then pick several. Rotate different activities. Dont think that prayer and Bible study are the only ways. The point is to do something together spiritually. Erin and I love listening to praise and worship music together. When we do that we feel very connected spiritually.

Communicating in the bedroom

Posted on October 25, 2010 by in Intimacy

The marriage experts say that communication is the key to great sex. But how many times have you found yourself tongue-tied when it comes to discussing sexual matters with your mate? As you attempt to talk about your sexual relationship, maybe you feel confused, frustrated, disappointed, fearful, and hurt, to name a few.

Good Sex Follows Good Communication

Sexuality is more than sex. Our sexuality includes our values, what we know, our attitudes, what we believe, and how we behave. Sexuality is about our bodies and how they work. It includes who were attracted to and what we desire. Its influenced by our upbringing our morals, our ethics, and our culture. Communication is what makes it work. Our spouse needs to know what we want, how we feel and what concerns us sexually. On the other hand, we must pay attention to our mate when he or she is trying to communicate wants, feelings and concerns as well. The solution then is to communicate in the bedroom.

My husband, Greg and I learned this lesson the hard way. Early on in our relationship, there were many nights of frustration, hurt, disappointment, confusion, and feelings of rejection and failure. Every marriage is susceptible to sexual problems and ours is no different. One of the more interesting experiences in our relationship happened on our honeymoon.

We spent our first night in a very romantic hotel overlooking the ocean in California. I will never forget how nervous we were trying to talk about what our first sexual experience would be like. In spite of our anxiety, we discussed our hopes, desires and fears. We talked about our expectations and what it would finally be like to experience sexual intimacy together.

Later that evening, Greg, being the more conscious one in our relationship, wanted to make sure the door was locked and the do not disturb sign was in place. This is when one of the most embarrassing moments of our marriage happened.

Our hotel room was actually a suite. So it had a separate bedroom and living area. Sadly for Greg, he did not hear the maid enter the room to tidy up. Worse, the maid didnt know that we were in the back room so she must have thought the suite was empty. Im sure you can guess what happened next.

Greg came flying out of the bedroom to lock the door, and to prevent the very thing that was about to take place. I guess the sight of my unclothed husband running full steam ahead towards the door was too much for the maid to endure. She screamed bloody murder, and ran out of the room. Gregs first instinct was to give chase and try to explain himself, but this only made things worse. Needless to say, Greg and I have learned a lot about communication, especially in our sexual relationship, since that first day. I would like to encourage you to consider four key elements to improve your communication around sex.

1. Develop a Sexual Vocabulary. Between men and women, there can be a lot of double meanings, confusion, and missed communication. Sex will be better if you are able to communicate likes and dislikes. Each couple will discuss sexual intimacy in different ways. But the key is to talk in ways that neither of you find embarrassing, distasteful or just plain silly. Honor should always be at the core of your communication. Establishing a sexual vocabulary is not something that happens quickly or in some sort of formal sit-down discussion. Its something that develops with time as trust develops.

2. Talk about what Youre not Talking about. Be aware that a number of factors may hinder your sexual satisfaction that has nothing to do with sex. If either person is unsympathetic to the pressures and worries of lifeweight, children, finances, workit most likely will detract from your sexual relationship. There will be times when neither spouse feels “sexy,” or in the mood. Talk about these things. When these things interfere with your sexual intimacy its critical to discuss what is really happening. Although it might be easier to withdraw and fade off to sleep hurt, frustrated or disappointed, it will not help the relationship if you do not talk about these other things.

3. Be Specific. Many couples forget to talk about what is working well for them sexually, or they feel awkward trying to figure out what pleases each other. Tell your spouse what he or she is doing that pleases you. How can you know what he or she likes, especially if they dont say anything? Some people think its selfish to say what they like. Or they may think that they should pretend to like everything. That sets up a bad precedent for the future.

4. Earn a Ph.D. in Your Mate. In order to have a strong sexual relationship, its critical to learn everything you can about your mate. Your attitude about your spouse should be, I am going spend the rest of my life learning about you. I am going to work so hard at deepening my knowledge of you that I will have earned a Ph.D. in you. To accomplish this you must: Ask questions, ask questions, ask questions. I cannot stress the important of asking questions to have a great sex life. A huge part of the communication in your bedroom should be learning about the sexual likes and dislikes of your mate. Phrases like “I really enjoy it when you …” or “How do you feel about . . .” or “I think the thing I enjoy most about our intimacy is…” can add huge insight into your sexual relationship. Even if you think you know the answers to these questions, ask. You both will change over time and with each phase of your life.

Keep on Talking

To have a great sex life, we need to recognize that it requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to communicate together about this sacred aspect of our marriage. It will require frequent monitoring, for there must be a sharing of our own sexual feelings, preferences, and responses. We must be good teachers and humble students, for we have much to learn together. As the life cycle adds years, the complexities of our lives and physical changes may affect our sexual responses. Feelings and reactions are usually different during pregnancy, after child-birth, and in our later years. Sexual interest is never static. Although aging may affect hormonal levels, there is no reason why healthy couples should not find satisfaction in their sexual relations their entire lives as long as they keep talking.

A surprising way to a stronger marriage – Eliminate unhappiness

Posted on October 18, 2010 by in Marriage

We like starting off chapters with a powerful illustration that brings home the point of the chapter in a way that only illustrations can. It can feel daunting at times to keep finding new stories and metaphors that work for each chapter. We will scour the Web, browse through books and books of writing illustrations, and even borrow really good ones from other books we have read. And then sometimes, God drops the perfect illustration in to our lives through the complexity of our life. This morning, the perfect illustration to why defensiveness does not work and only makes things worse and marriages more unhappy occurred.

My (Michael) dear friend Casey McKown, who lives in the adjacent community of The Woodlands, came to pick us up and drive our family to the airport this morning. We are heading to Phoenix, Arizona to speak at a conference and the kids are joining us. I thought it would be fun to bring the kids to Phoenix and show them where their old man grew up.

As usual, we were all waiting outside in the car for my wife to finally exit the home. Like other crazy ladies out there, my wife has the excruciating need to thoroughly clean the house before leaving on vacation. I can not personally understand this need because my idea of cleanliness has more to do with stench than it does messes on the floor.

Casey and I were standing outside of the car chatting about life and discussing the linear equation to the mathematical equivalent of the speed of light (which I know there are several words in this sentence that are made up or used completely inaccurately). Or we were talking about the latest episode of Battle Star Galactica, because that is how we roll! Anyway, my wife finally comes outside to get in the car, and this is when it happened.

Casey and I were standing at the front of my Honda Odyssey as Amy passed us to get in the van. As she walked by she made a comment that only a wife can make, Casey, do you see the damage Michael did to the front bumper when he hit a tire yesterday on the freeway. My reaction was swift and immediate, What?! I was upset for two reasons. First, I was upset because I didn’t even know the front bumper was messed up which only further proves what an unmanly man I really am! Secondly, that was totally unfair!

As Amy knelt down by the damaged front bumper, she pointed out the massive black mark and how the side of the bumper was now detached from the van. Amy again highlighted how I’d hit the tire on the freeway which caused the extensive damage. I was beside myself and did what any normal human being does when getting unfairly blamed, I got defensive! In one quick, reactive statement I retorted Amy’s comment by saying, And by hit a tire on the freeway, do you mean a car swerved in front of us, cutting us off, and blew a tire which then flew across the ground at blinding speeds and smacked in to our front bumper?

What did I get for my brilliant argument? A simple, yet profound Nope, you hit it. And with that Amy got in the car with a wry smile on her face. The kind of smile that says, Gotcha. Luckily we are writing a book on personal responsibility, because as I was getting upset and preparing my you’re not allowed to blame me speech, God quietly reminded me that my defensiveness was getting me overly worked up. Amy was clearly messing with me, but I was allowing my pride to cause me to react poorly.

This is why defensiveness is so unhelpful in relationships.

We define defensiveness as a person’s attempt to resolve a problem through arguing, explaining away, or being combative. When we argue with someone about the facts surrounding a circumstance, we are being defensive. When conflict occurs between two people, the remembered facts of the situation are rarely accurate. It never does us any good to argue facts with our spouse (or anyone for that matter). Discussing the facts only causes defensiveness in the person we are arguing with about the facts!

Explaining away is one of the more popular ways to be defensive. It does not initially appear argumentative or combative, but this could not be further from the truth. Take for example a recent couple we saw in one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives. When we asked the wife what it would take to get her marriage from a 3 to a 10 (1 being horrible and 10 being great) she said, It would be nice if we could spend more time together at home just hanging out and not working on the computer. The wife’s voice was calm as she shared her need, but the husband’s reaction was swift. What do you mean spend more time together at home? When I’m home all you seem to want to do is sit on the couch and watch your favorite shows. How can that be spending time together? I would love to spend more time together at home, but it is not my fault this isn’t happening!

Can you see the breakdown in communication and the defensiveness? The wife was obviously not feeling like they were spending any time together at home. Her definition of spending time together was clearly different than her husband’s, but her husband reacted poorly by getting upset and defensive. The husband took her need as a direct assault on him, as if he was the person at fault for them not spending any time together. So he fought back with defensiveness by trying to explain away his wife’s opinion.

You know the drill. You get accused of something and you feel that if you could only convince your spouse about the inaccuracy of her opinion or experience, things would get better. But things do not get better, ever, when we try to explain away our spouse’s feelings or needs.

Defensiveness causes unhappiness and a breakdown in communication because it escalates the negative emotions we might be experiencing in a conflict (or potential conflict). Have you ever experienced your spouse calming down after being defensive? Probably not, so then why do we keep doing it? Because we are not taking personal responsibility of our emotions and choices. Defensiveness is a direct result of a lack of taking responsibility. Who wants to be told their feelings and needs are inaccurate or wrong? No one does.

So then why do we choose to react defensively even though we know it is not going to help the conflict? In our experience, we have found three reasons why people tend to get defensive:

1. We get defensive because we are sinful.

There is no escaping our sinfulness. We have already discussed this earlier in the book. But we want to keep reminding you of your brokenness. Not because we want you to feel bad about your sin, but because we want you to be humble and understand your spouse’s needs and feelings. Our sin does not define us, God does. In Genesis we learned that we were created in God’s image. This gives us tremendous value. No other part of God’s creation was given this distinction. So your sin does not define who you are. However, it does impact how you behave and that is where we need to be sensitive, humble, and understanding.

2. We get defensive because we want to prove we are right or our spouse is wrong.

How many arguments have you gotten in to with your spouse because you wanted to prove something? Does it feel good when your spouse or someone else tries to invalidate your feelings or needs? Probably not, we can all relate to how that might feel. Getting in to a who’s right or who’s wrong conversation is never a good thing. The conflict will only get worse and you will never come together as a team if you are constantly on opposing sides or counsel (like lawyers in a courtroom).

3. We get defensive because we feel bad that something we did was taken wrong or misunderstood.

This reason for defensiveness can be the hardest one to break. The first two reasons are pretty obvious and make logical sense in terms of their negative impact on a marriage. If we are going to be happy in our marriage, then we have to allow our spouse to feel negatively about something we may have unintentionally done. This seems unfair because why should we be punished for something we did not do? It sounds so logical to try and explain away the unintentional hurt of our spouse. If only he would listen to me and let me explain what I meant, he would feel better. But our spouse doesn’t feel better after we have tried to explain away the hurt, does he? We do this as well, and we both know it never seems to make things better.

A Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage – Introduction

Posted on October 6, 2010 by in Marriage

Chapter 01
Introduction

Their faces were filled with anguish as they approached us after one of our sessions at a marriage seminar. They wanted to smile, but years of unhappiness and regret had taken its toll on them. We saw their desperation, but we couldnt have been more surprised by what the husband said first.

Can you fix this marriage in 30 second or less?

Wow. We would like to fancy ourselves as talented marriage consultants, but this guy was asking for a miracle; and he was serious. Thirty seconds or less? Are you kidding? But then it hit us, like Mike Tyson hitting Michael Spinks, but it took less than 92 seconds for us to come up with his answer. You want to fix your marriage in 30 seconds or less? Then start with changing yourself and decide to be a loving, supportive, active, and growing husband.

Not surprisingly, he didnt take to our answer. This guy is like a lot of people in our country. America is no longer the land of the free and the home of the brave, but more accurately the land of the irresponsible and home of the no fault lawsuit; the demise of our relationships are the proof.

Its about time we all start growing up. Being an adult does not mean things become easier, in fact, it really means things become more difficult because, as adults, we are responsible for all of our own actions and feelings. We can no longer be victims, like we were as children, but instead we must start assuming the freedom and power we have in Christ honoring life, which is the simple solution to a happy marriage.

I, Amy, remember a couple I worked with. They were committed Christians. They volunteered in their church. They had small children. Yet something was missing. We went through the intensive. They learned about communication, conflict resolution, boundaries, effective time-outs, validation, love languages, etc. Yet there was something about her that I could tell her spirit wasn’t open to her husband. I cry every time I think of them because they struggled and struggled. She struggled because she didn’t know what was wrong with her- was she depressed? Did she not have enough faith? Was there something wrong with him? The answer didn’t come right away.Slowly the clouds lifted in their lives. Their children have a mom and dad still together. So what made the difference? They both wrestled with their own demons, I mean issues. He took the lead in loving her with so much unconditional love it humbled me. He dug so deep to try to find her he became bloodied and bruised along the way but he found her. He wasn’t a doormat, he drew boundaries when needed but he gently offered her his love over and over again. God did an amazing thing in their lives. Slowly she began to open up. He first contacted me, almost holding his breath not wanting to move in fear she might run away again, and he shared he could see she was trying. This is an exert from an email I got from him, “Vulnerability and honesty have freed her from her cage that had grown so dark and so deep. Amy, I could have never imagined the beauty of the woman that had become locked in that box- beauty you could see. I often wish that you were right around the corner so that you could step into our family for a moment and see how God has used you. You battled like a warrior against satans dark grip and as a result, I pray, your effort will continue to ripple into many other lives. I am still truly amazed in Gods grace; He spared our family from destruction. He restored freedom and love.” Are you willing to fight the good fight? God is willing to look you squarely in the eye and give you the wisdom you seek to draw you into intimacy. Are you willing? It’s simple but it takes time and energy.

One of our favorite first lines when working with a client in an intensive setting is, What brings you in today. Were not the first people to ask this question, but it does have special meaning for us. What brings you in today is at the heart of many peoples issues. How people typically respond to this question will tell us a lot of how successful they will be in getting helped. If they start listing a long line of issues about their spouse as the reason they are coming to one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives, then we know we are in a battle. The problem with your marriage, however, is not your long list of issues or complaints about your spouse. Honestly, it is the level at which each of you is willing to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage. Issues are just issues. Many times couples are stressed out in their marriage because neither is willing to do the right thing (unless the other is willing to do it first). Then there are other times when one spouse wants to work on their marriage but the other has checked out long before they reach our door. There is hope for both! Whether you are in marital limbo, crisis, or growth- God has a plan for you. His plan is to release you from captivity (Isaiah 42:7) and free you to live a life worthy of your calling (2 Thessalonians 1:11). When you keep your own personal growth your goal you will not fail. God will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronmy 31:6), even if a spouse does.

What brings you to reading this book today? Are you frustrated? Does your spouse not meet your needs like you want? Do you feel alone, rejected, or disconnected? Has life turned out to be one huge disappointing experience after another? What brings you to reading this book today?

Be careful with your answer. Its an important question. If you answer, My spouse my child my boss Then youre not ready for the following pages. In fact, they might even upset the very core of your being.

This book is not about what your spouse must do so you can enjoy a satisfied and happy marriage. This book is about learning what YOU can do to help create an environment where a satisfied and happy marriage is possible.

We are not slaves to our circumstances. We have a choice. We do not blow-up at the car in front of us because they cut us off. Every reaction we display is our choice. Let us say this another way, we decide whether or not we are going to be upset, sad, frustrated, mad, or hurt.

We are in control of our own well-being and emotions. People, places, or things do not make us unhappy in life. We choose to feel unhappy as a result of what happens around us. We will address this concept in much more depth later on in chapter seven. But it is important to note here, at the beginning of this book. You can choose how you respond to circumstances.

We know you can not control what happens to you by other people. If you catch your spouse in an affair, your initial reaction will be your gut reaction. Your gut reaction is whats natural to you. We are not talking about controlling what initially happens to you when faced with hardships or heartache. We are talking about controlling how you move forward and how you respond to tough circumstances.