So thus begins a four part series on how men can better love their wives.  I want to encourage everyone reading this that the series is not going to be a male bashing experience.  Frankly, I’m tired of men continually getting picked on because we love differently than woman do.  It feels at times that the socially acceptable way to love someone is how a woman loves.  Men want to love and be loved just as much as women, we just tend to do it differently.

But the reality is that men marry women, so we need to learn how to love a woman better.  My dad, brother, and I wrote a book titled “The Men’s Relational Toolbox“.  We addressed this in the book, that men need to add certain skills to their relational toolbox in order to love their wives and daughters better.  This series is teaching four fundamentally important things that men can do to better love their wives!

The first week we learned how to truly “fix it” with our wives by learning how to better listen.  Men often get accused of trying to “fix it” too often by their wives.  The good news is that men care enough about their wives to want to fix it, but the bad news is that most men go about fixing it in an ineffective manner.  Usually the best course of action is to simply shut our mouths and listen.

James 1:19-21 teaches us, ”Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human angers does not produce the righteousness God desires.So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.”

Listening is important because it’s important to our wives and it reflects a godly character (because we’re being obedient to James 1:19-21). But listening also helps increase our emotional and physical intimacy with our wife. When our wife feels loved and listened to, she will also feel more excited about the physical part of our relationship. Now let me be very clear, we do not listen because we want more sex, we listen because it’s the right way to love our wives better (more sex is just an awesome natural result of a close relationship).

Often times we read verses like the ones in James, and we thing, “That sounds great, but how do I do that practically?” Here’s the answer: you need to LUV your wife if you are going to be a better listener. LUV stands for Listen, Understand, and Validate. LUV is the main tenant to our communication method we teach couples at our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.

Listening is all about body language, eye contact, and intention…yes…whether or not we really want to listen.

Understanding comes when we ask questions of our wives when we feel confused or need further clarification. You want your wife to melt at your words, then just say something like, “Honey, I hear that you want to spend more time together, could you let me know what spending time together would look like to you?”  Proverbs 15:23; 28 23 “Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time! The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.”

Validating is saying things like, “Yes, I totally hear what you’re saying. Is there anything you need from me?” Validation is the art of allowing your wife the freedom of her own feelings and needs. Proverbs 13:3, “Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.”

This first week is about LUV, which is one of the most powerful ways you can “fix” anything for your wife.  Most wives just want to be heard and validated.  All you’ve been missing is how to accomplish this, and now you have some simply ways to listen effectively so you can have the kind of marriage you dreamt about during your engagement!

Couples miss out on true happiness when they give up during the tough times.

Make your marriage a covenant, not just a contract. God intended marriage to be much more than the contractual relationship it typically is in our society. Viewed as a contract, marriage is simply about what and your spouse agree to do for each other (and if either of you fail, the relationship can be canceled). But God designed marriage to be a covenant, a permanent relationship that’s built on unconditional love. The first step in effectively communicating with your spouse is for both of you to view your marriage as a covenant. Be willing to love your spouse with a steadfast love. Decide to focus on what you can do for your spouse, instead of on what you want your spouse to do for you.

Speak Your Spouse’s Language

I would like this question answered if possible…My wife thinks sex is a want, and I say sex is a need!!! I have heard and read conflicting answers and would like to know what you think.

Answer:

This is not as complicated as it might feel to the two of you. The most important thing that needs to be accomplished here is validation. It sounds to me, that sex is a need to you. I don’t have a problem with this. There’s nothing wrong with sex being a need for someone. If sex is a need for you to gain intimacy with your wife, to feel loved, to feel desired, to feel wanted, to feel connected, then sex is a need. End of story.

For your wife, it sounds like sex is a want. No problem, then sex for your wife is a want. I can live with that as well. She needs to validated for her viewpoint as well.

But here is where I get on my soapbox. I’m tired of women (and I’m not saying your wife is doing this, because I don’t know, but I’m taking an opportunity to make a point.) being irritated with men needing sex. Sex is a way for men to connect with their wives emotionally. Most women like to connect with their husbands through communication, which seems to be the “accepted” means of connecting emotionally. Most men connect to women emotionally through physical intimacy, or sex, and that should not be “wrong”!

There…I said it and I feel better.

One day, while driving in northern California, our family became very tired and irritable. After a family vote we all (Dad, Mom, Michael, Kari, and me) decided to stretch our legs. Up the road a few miles, we found a beautiful river that had a special surprise.

As we were exploring the river, I (Greg) discovered that moss had formed over the rocks, creating a very slick river bottom. What was even more amazing was that the water had carved out a natural slide. However, there was one minor problem. As you slid down, unless you landed in a small pool, you were in danger of going over a waterfall.

After several practice runs we determined that you could slide about ten yards and still make it into the landing pool. We were having a relaxing time until Dad showed up. Watching us slide down the river, he felt this would make a great picture. Having never met a camera I didn’t like, I enthusiastically volunteered to go first. However, somehow Dad talked me into starting at the very top. Looking down at the steep slide, I realized that it would be difficult to stop in the landing pool. As he attempted to persuade me, Dad said something that would eventually cause me much pain. “Trust me. You’ll do fine. If you don’t hit the pool, I’ll stop you!”

As he got into position, I pushed off and went racing down the slide. Suddenly, I hit a bump and flew off course. Instantly I passed my father (who was still trying to take the picture) and headed straight for the waterfall.

As I went over the falls, I tried to push off to keep my balance. Unfortunately, I kicked too hard and landed flat on my back. Slapppp! The sound of my back flop echoed throughout the canyon. As I struggled toward the riverbank, my father’s words, “Trust me, I’ll stop you!” haunted me. When he appeared at the top of the falls, I started to scream at him but quickly stopped. Watching my mother race down the trail was like watching a mother bear rear up to attack the person who had wounded her cub. It was awesome! I didn’t know my mom could move that fast. Through this experience, it was my sensitive mom who was shaken up the most. In fact, this was one time in her life when if she could have reached Dad, there’s no telling what she would have done to him!

After the disaster at the waterfall, my dad and I (Greg) could have used LUV Talk to discuss the situation. If I had been the customer, first I could have started by saying something like, “I feel frustrated when you try to talk me into things that you aren’t sure about.” He then would have repeated back what I said. “I hear you saying that it’s frustrating when I talk you into doing things when I have no idea how it’s going to turn out.” Yes!

I might have continued with, “I feel hurt because it seemed like you were more interested in taking a ‘fun’ picture than making sure I was safe.” He might have said in response, “It sounds like I hurt your feelings because I was more focused on taking a picture than on your safety.” Yes!

Once I shared all my feeling and-or needs, then we could switch places, with Dad becoming the customer. Dad might have said, “I truly believed that taking a picture of you sliding down the river was completely safe.” I’d respond, “I hear you saying that you thought I’d be safe.” Yes!

“I felt that if there was any danger, I’d be able to stop you.”

“So you’re saying that you believed you could stop me if there was a problem.” Yes!

“I felt extremely scared when I realized you were going over the edge.” And so on …

Do you get the point? The process is simply one person sharing his feelings or need sand the other person repeating back what he heard. If the person repeats it back wrong, you don’t panic. You simply restate what you said. Then when one person finishes expressing his feelings and needs, you trade places. This process goes on until both feel listened to, understood, and validated. It’s that simple.

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

Recommended Resources: The DNA of Parent-Teen Relationships

If love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage, then money may be the carriage’s driver. Finances play a huge role in relationships and sometimes can serve as a catalyst for a breakup.

If love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage, then money may be the carriage’s driver. Finances play a huge role in relationships and sometimes can serve as a catalyst for a breakup.

If love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage, then money may be the carriage’s driver. Finances play a huge role in relationships and sometimes can serve as a catalyst for a breakup.

via Save Your Marriage: Learn Better Financial Communication – ABC News.