Touch has the power to instantly calm, reassure, transfer courage, and stabilize a situation beginning to spin out of control. With touch, we push back the threatening shadows of anger, bitterness, loneliness, and insecurity. Romantic touching and hugging can convey peace and comfort, as well as love. To the degree that we employ it with our mate, we remove the emotional threats that block intimacy.

Men nurture a forever marriage by finding out how their wives like to be touched, how often, when, and where.

Meaningful touching outside the bedroom can create sparks in a marriage, and meaningful communication can fan the flames. Most women report that they need to feel emotionally connected to enjoy physical intimacy. They need to feel loved and cherished. They need displays of physical affection, but not necessarily the sex act itself. Men, however, are motivated by the sexual act. They need sexual intimacy and state that physical affection and feeling cherished aren’t always necessary for them to feel sexually satisfied. However, men still need affection and cherishing in the overall relationship.

These are the four elements of marital intimacy:

1. Unconditional security, a lifetime commitment to care for someone.
2. Meaningful communication, daily sharing your feelings, needs, hopes, and dreams (and being a good listener when the other person speaks).
3. Romantic experiences, setting your schedule to include intimate times together rather than letting the pressures of life set your schedule for you.
4. Intimate touch, since 8 to 10 loving touches a day keep the marriage counselor away!

When used correctly, the differences in the way men and women respond to sex can complement each other. When not taken into consideration, these differences will tear apart the very fabric of your mutual fulfillment. Decide to stop waiting for things to get better. Only the two of you working together toward love will make the intimate difference. Acquire and practice new attitudes and skills that lead to fulfilling relationships.

Many men don’t realize it, but more than 80 percent of a woman’s need for meaningful touch is nonsexual. Sex does not begin in the bedroom. It actually starts in the everyday acts of truthfulness, consistency, kindness, touching, and talking that build a growing desire in a woman.

No one can long ignore considerate, loving actions. Make your mate feel special and you increase his or her desire to do the same for you.

Genuine love doesn’t necessarily spring from feelings. Its basis is primarily a concern for the welfare of another. Although the feelings of affection will follow, genuine love is initially an action directed toward fulfilling an- other person’s needs. Persistent love—like the dripping of water on a rock can wear away a person’s resistance. It’s nearly impossible to stay angry with or emotionally distant from someone who unconditionally loves and values you.

So many men and women treat each other as objects to be used. They may not verbalize it, but they maintain an inward conviction that their mate should do things that have never been discussed. This is like steadily pouring acid on intimacy. From time to time, my wife and I get together on a date, for breakfast out or just a retreat from home. During that time, we list our personal goals and com- mit ourselves to helping each other fulfill those desires. I feel so satisfied knowing that my wife is committed enough to sacrifice for my goals and that I have the same commitment toward her.

True happiness comes by reaching out to others with a desire for them to feel love from us.

One way intimacy is blocked is when lives are filled with unhealthy behavior, poor health choices or sexual addictions that affect our daily conduct. To change those habits and addictions, we should first recognize our mistakes and admit when we’re at fault. Second, we must keep an attitude of wanting to improve. Third, we should share our feelings and needs with our mate and seek his or her understanding and support.

Keeping your written relationship menu posted in a prominent household location provides a continual reminder of which values and rules you’re working toward. It generally takes about 30 days to start a new habit. So if you’re regularly working on attaining your goals, it will only take a month before you notice significant changes in your relationship.

4 ways of building intimacy:

1. Stop waiting for things to get better —make a decision to work on them.
2. Acquire and practice new attitudes and skills that lead to fulfilling relation- ships.
3. Commit to changing your own be- haviors first, without expecting your partner to change his or hers.
4. Support each other in your efforts so that neither of you feels alone or inferior.

When you go to a restaurant, you request items off a menu. The same principle can be applied to a relationship. Request what you want from your mate for example, a daily hug, help around the house, or appreciation for a job well done. Decide what’s most important in your marriage, and put those things in writing. One menu item I suggest you include is an agreement that during an argument, you’ll both list all the positive and negative aspects of the issue at hand. Seeing both sides can bring about a quicker resolution and also the unity you both desire.

It’s crucial that we develop healthy relationships. Doctors have found that tension from a poor marriage or friendship can actually cause illness and shorten a person’s life! Not only that, but our children also gain or suffer from the model we provide them every day. One of the keys in any healthy relationship is a willingness to say, “I’m more interested in understanding what you’re saying than in thinking of what I’m going to say once you’re done talking.”

A husband and wife need to establish a routine pattern of meaningful communication—times of sharing feelings, hopes, dreams, and fears. “Weather report” comments like “How’s it going?” “How was the traffic today?” and other safe questions aren’t enough. Every day, spouses need to add the water of well spoken words to keep their relationship strong and healthy.

In a nurturing and healthy relationship, you perceive that your ideas and insights are valuable, and you learn how to negoti- ate and listen to the other person’s views. You hear things like “What did you say?” “You always know the right thing to say,” or “Let’s talk about this.”

In a healthy relationship, not only are you encouraged to feel, but you’re also sensitive to others’ feelings. You perceive that how you feel is valuable and that you’re safe when sharing your feelings. You might hear things like “How do you feel about this?” “It’s okay to feel like that,” or “What can I do to make you feel better?”

When you honor your spouse above yourself, you develop close- knit feelings of belonging. In this atmosphere, you spend a great deal of quality time together. You might hear things like “Let’s spend some time together,” “What can I do to become closer to you?” or “What can I do to make you feel closer to me?”

When you and your spouse agree to live in oneness, you’re con- sequently willing to spend more time listening and discussing in order to resolve important issues and so build intimacy. When-
ever a husband and wife agree on the main areas of their lives, they become bonded together and achieve a unique strength. Two people united are much stronger than one.

Frequent praise builds strength. The simplest way to make your spouse feel good is to say, “Well done!”

One way to cherish our mates is to help them become fulfilled as people. We can do this by discovering their personal goals and looking for ways to help them reach those objectives. We all love knowing someone is pulling for us. We should discuss our roles in marriage and what areas we need encouragement with. We should choose areas based on genuine love and not on expectations that have never been discussed.

Starting a conversation with your spouse can be difficult, especially when you’re feelings are hurt. Your hands get sweaty, your mouth dries up, and usually, like most couples, you abandon the idea entirely.

But you don’t have to! Ask God to give you the right attitude and timing on when to talk with your spouse. And by the way, the right time is never during fun time or family outings.

When the moment finally arrives, a humble spirit is the best option. You can say, “Would it be okay if I shared something with you?” The reason you ask, is because you always want permission when potentially confronting an adult. If she says no, then you know the time is not right, and choose to wait in God’s patience.

This has been a Smalley Short, find more at smalleypodcast.com.