Norma: We’ve found that sometimes conflicts come to a head quickly, and sometimes they build up over a long period. In our case, one issue de- veloped over 30 years before it was resolved. The problem was that Gary started snoring, and it got worse as time went on. At first it was only irritating, even a little amusing. But as Gary’s volume increased, my patience decreased! After a while, I realized he might actually have a serious medical problem known as sleep apnea. He would literally stop breathing for a few seconds as he slept, then begin again with a start, waking up a little in the process. As a result, neither one of us was getting much quality sleep.

Gary: Like a typical man, however, I didn’t think the problem was all that serious. And I certainly was in no hurry to go to a doctor! I had to acknowl- edge, however, that neither of us was sleeping very well. But what finally drove me to seek medical help was when Norma said she would need to move into a separate bedroom if I didn’t get help! She had reached the point where she thought that was the only way she could get a little rest at night. I went to a sleep clinic, where they determined that I do, indeed, have sleep apnea. And they prescribed a breathing machine that forces air into my mouth and lungs while I sleep. It was incredible! The difference between “before” and “after” was like the difference between night and day. I soon found I had far more energy, a better ability to concentrate, and much less irritability than before.

Norma: Our experience with Gary’s sleep apnea has taught us a couple of things about marital conflict. First, if there’s frequently or sometimes even constantly a level of friction or tension between you and your spouse, it may have a physical cause. So before you draw negative conclusions about each other’s character or cooperativeness, look into that possibility. Solving your conflict could take a whole different direction from what you now think is need- ed if there is, in fact, a physical problem. (Conditions like sleep apnea, hormonal imbalances, and high blood pressure are more widespread than most people realize.) Second, when there is a conflict, we have to focus on the problem and look for solutions to it rather than focusing on the other person. Before Gary finally went and got treatment for his sleep apnea, I’ll admit there were times when I got upset with him for not taking appropriate action and so forcing me to live with his continued snoring. But most of the time, I was able to keep things in a more healthy perspective. His apnea was the problem, not Gary himself. If I had let myself get mad at Gary about it too often, we might have ended up sleeping in different houses.

Gary: That brings up another point that can’t be made too often: If a husband and wife are going to keep happily together for a lifetime, they simply must learn to give, ask for, and receive forgiveness. We will hurt each other from time to time, sometimes on purpose and sometimes without knowing it. If those injuries aren’t forgiven, the spirit of the person who was hurt will close, making real intimacy next to impossible. Because of living with me, Norma has had to become an expert at offering forgiveness!

Norma: Gary knows I’ve needed to be forgiven my share of the time, too. But I absolutely agree that a willingness to forgive and to seek forgiveness when needed is one of the most crucial foundation stones in any marriage.

If a man is to be truly effective in his relationships both at home and at work, he needs to develop the ability to speak the “language of the heart” (facts and feelings). Right there under the same roof is a woman who can help him learn that skill, if he is willing to listen to her.

Without meaning to, we can communicate nonverbally that other people or activities are more important to us than fam- ily. You’ve heard of football widows. How about golf orphans? Those who know us best provide the best correction. In particular, our mates, who were designed by God to complete us, are most sensitive to the areas in which we need help.

We also need to give praise and thanks to each other for special acts of kindness. Many people complain that their mate is strangely silent when they do something above and beyond the norm.

The Salt Principle is a method of gaining and holding a person’s attention by arousing curiosity. It’s a way to create a thirst for constructive conversation in which both you and your spouse can learn about each other’s needs. First, identify the need or concern to be discussed, and then identify areas of high interest to the other person—areas you can tap into to pique interest.

One of the easiest ways to reduce misunderstandings and communication friction is to share only a few thoughts with someone and then allow the person to repeat back what he or she thinks you said, much as would happen when you place an order at a fast food drive-through. This method will also improve your listening skills.

Added benefits to this kind of drive-through talking: (a) It gives you a chance to fully understand what the other person is saying before you respond, which also prevents tuning out the other per- son while he or she is talking; (b) it validates the other person and his or her opinions. When you not only listen but also repeat back what someone says, you communicate that the person and his or her opinions are important to you and worth taking seriously.

(This article was excerpted from 4 Days to a Forever Marriage by Gary and Norma Smalley.)

2. Quickly acknowledged the problem soon after the mistake and try to resolve it. Don’t hope the problem will just go away. (Prov. 27:23)

3. Encourage your mate to explain and respond. Use active listening. Repeat to the other person what you heard them say. Get their agreement about what you heard them say before responding (vice-versa). Learn to listen! (Prov. 14:33; 24:3-4)

4. Discuss only one thing at a time and stay in the present. Don’t dredge up past hurts or problems, whether real or perceived. Avoiding score keeping. “You are late for dinner. I feel angry. I wanted everything to be warm and tasty.” Rather than “You are late for dinner as usual. I remember when “, etc. (Prov. 19:10; 103:12)

5. Don’t argue about details, e.g. “You were 20 min. late,” “No, I was only 13 min. late.”

6. Avoid power statements and actions. For example: “I quit!” “You’re killing me.”, etc. (Prov. 17:27; 26:21; 28:16,25; II Tim. 2:7)

7. Avoid judgment words like “you statements”. Stay with self-responsible “I” messages. (Matt. 7:1)

8. Be honest in your statements and questions. Honesty needs to be accurate, rather than agreement or perfection. (Eph. 4:15; Prov. 12:19)

9. Don’t confront when you’re angry or stressed out (cool your jets). Learn to identify your body’s own natural signs when you’re getting angry, stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down.

10. Never walk out without agreeing to take a break. It is okay to temporally stop when a solution is unclear. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off. (Eph. 4:26; Prov. 11:14)

11. Don’t use the silent treatment. Nothing gets solved this way. (Prov. 3:27; 16:13,21,24)

12. Never threaten to withdraw love. (Prov. 28:25; 29:23)

13. Control your hands and tongue. Never use sarcasm or physical violence. (Prov. 15:4; 12:18; 29:2-3; 16:13)

14. Don’t use “hysterical” statements or exaggerations at the time of conflict. (Prov. 29:11; 16:21,24)

15. Select an appropriate time and place. Don’t make a scene. Never deliberately embarrass each other or others by arguing in public. Keep your arguments in private. Perhaps even away from siblings if necessary.(Prov. 15:23; Prov. 25:11)

16. Don’t drag in outsiders unless each member agrees that this person can help find a solution or help referee. The person needs to be someone who can maintain unbiased opinion and someone who everyone respects and feels safe with. (Prov. 1:5; 12:15; 19:20; 20:18; 27:9)

17. Surround criticism with encouragement (praise bombardment). Focus on your desired expectations or positive changes rather than on faults. (Prov. 15:1; Prov. 15:13)

18. Speak directly and personally to your mate. Avoid lecturing and stay with concrete specific behavioral detail(s). (Prov. 18:23)

19. Put yourself in your mate’s shoes.

20. Don’t compare your mate to others. Be aware of each others differences and accept them (lion, otter, beaver, and golden retriever). (Prov. 22:6)

21. Give value and consideration to the interests, goals, and desires of each person. (Prov. 29:7)

22. When you’re wrong admit it. Accept any blame for the past (Was the rule clearly defined? Was it written down? Was there miscommunication?, etc.). Identify your own contribution to the problem. (Prov. 28:13; 29:23)

23. Resolve your conflicts with “Win-Win” solutions. Both agree with the solution or outcome of the argument.

24. Forgive your mate and do not hold resentment. End a fight with an act of love. (Col. 3:12-13; I Peter 3:8-9)

25. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words or actions during a conflict. (Romans 12:10; 2:3)

26. Make conflict resolution a regular habit. (Prov. 13:24)

How? Simple, actually, if you believe the worst in your mate, then you will seek to prove your belief is true. Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley call this a negative belief. Negative beliefs are marriage destroyers because they suck the hope out of your relationship. If you believe your spouse is “bad”, then not matter what your spouse tries to do right, you will see their actions as “bad”. We hear the consequences of negative beliefs a lot in our Marriage Restoration Intensive program, “It’s like no matter what I try to do, she always receives it poorly. It’s like I just can’t win with her.”

The best way to eliminate negative beliefs is to do two things. 1. Make sure when you have a negative belief to ask a question, instead of judging your spouse. It might sound something like, “Hey, I might be wrong, but it feels like you’re upset with me over something. Is that accurate?” Questions can often end negative beliefs because you allow your spouse the opportunity to correct your negative belief. 2. Assume the best, instead of the worst. This can often be easier said than done. But the key is CHOOSING to believe the best and to then look for the best in your spouse.

When you ask questions and assume the best, you truly begin changing your mind and heart toward your spouse which leads to a better attitude and a better marriage.

Answer:
Tithing itself is not a difficult concept. Christians should live their lives open-handed�acknowledging that they are merely stewards of God’s possessions. They should always be willing to give 100% of that which they steward at any time required by the Lord (Matthew 19:21). Indeed, they should even be willing to offer their very “…bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God….” (Romans 12:1).

While some argue that tithing is an Old Testament principle, Jesus never taught against it, pointing out that in Matthew 5:17 Jesus said He came to fulfill the law, not abolish it. Jesus actually affirms the practice of tithing in Matthew 23:23 while warning not to neglect the practice of “justice, mercy and faithfulness.” The New Testament teaches and encourages generous giving. 1 Corinthians 16:2 sets out four principles for giving�it should be regular, personal, proportional and voluntary.??But tithing has raised some difficult questions. And, since tithing involves money, it�s a prime candidate for conflict between a husband and wife. The question �do I tithe even if my spouse objects� isn�t an unusual situation, especially in light of our unpredictable economy. A recent study by researcher George Barna found that only 3 percent of Christians tithe�a decrease from 8 percent in 2001. The principle of tithing, it seems, is not widely practiced as it once was and certainly is not widely understood as a critical form of worship.?

First, the issue is how to �honor� your mate and the Lord. In terms of honoring your husband, if he strongly objects to tithing, we believe you need to respect those objections and place it �on the back burner� until you are able to discuss the issue together. Ignoring his objections and tithing anyway would be extremely dishonoring. Since tithing is a matter of the heart, God will honor your desire to tithe even if you are not able to give. The Lord is not concerned about money, or how much or how little you give. He is much more focused on the attitude of your heart. If you have made commitments to tithe and your husband objects to giving, God will see the desire of your heart to tithe and He will honor that commitment. God will bless you because of your attitude, not because of giving. The Scriptures make this very clear: �Each man should give what he has decided in his own heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:7). Thus, there are no set amounts or percentages of income dictated, rather, “…if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have” (2 Corinthians 8:12).?

We�d also encourage you to understand the �real� issue. Don�t get caught in the trap of making the issue about �tithing��to tithe or not to tithe. That discussion is a total waste of time. At this point, arguing about who�s right or wrong, or what the Bible says about tithing is a waste of time because it�s not the real issue. Get to the real issue, but use �curiosity� instead of judgment. If your husband doesn�t want to tithe, approach the issue with curiosity. If you say things like, �We are commanded to tithe,� or �You�re not being a very good Christian,� it will come across as judgmental. We�re quite positive that judgment shuts the communication process down. He�ll want to defend himself, remind you of what you�re doing wrong, or whatever. The bottom line is that judgment wouldn�t get you where you want to be.

The alternative to judgment is curiosity. Be curious about what the real issue is. Curiosity is honoring. Judgment is dishonoring. For your husband, the real issue might be his concerns about your financial security in an unstable economy. The real issue might be that your debt levels are so high and he feels you can�t afford to tithe right now. Maybe he does not like the church you are currently attending and his lack of giving is more about supporting a church he doesn�t believe in than it is about tithing? The point is to discover the real issue. And then just listen�seeking to understand. Resist the urge to debate or argue his concerns or objections. That will shut down the conversation fast. When you discover the real issue, it has an amazing ability to bring empathy and understanding when there was little or none before.?

Crown Financial Ministries (www.crown.org) suggests a wonderful idea. You might want to ask your husband to let you give an amount smaller than the tithe for at least a year. If, at the end of the year, the family is worse off financially as a result of giving, you will agree to stop giving. If the family is better off, the husband may agree to give more. In Malachi 3:10, the Lord says to test Him in this thing (tithing). Often this is just the opportunity for God to prove Himself real to a doubting spouse.2) We have tried and tried to have a devotional time as a couple and with our children. Nothing seems to work. What can we do to make this work? Are there any creative and practical ways to foster spiritual intimacy with my spouse? ?

We�re all familiar with Moses and what he wrote more than 4,000 years ago in the book of Deuteronomy: �Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates� (Deut 6:5-9; NIV).

First, we can’t foster spiritual convictions in our children if it�s only during Sunday school, bedtime prayer, after dinner devotionals, or while driving to school. We must live them all day long. Our spiritual teaching should permeate throughout everything we do. It should not only be a thing we formally do, it should be informal as well. In other words, it should be in everything we do, not just during a pre-planned activity. We love the verse: �pray continually� (1Thes 5:17; NIV). Like prayer, passing on spiritual convictions is something that should be a part of all that we do�it should never end. We need to reinforce spiritual teaching throughout the day. This teaching task is the most important assignment God has given to us as parents.

How we have meaningful devotions as a family, while keeping our children from being bored or uninvolved is the real question. And for this we have one word: Short! Or, one phrase: Keep is short silly (KISS). Children won�t understand or sit through lengthy adult devotions. The rule of thumb is around five minutes�which usually represent the attention span of young child. So, focus on one or two Bible verses and a quick prayer.

�And the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate� (Mark 10:8-9; NIV). This is one of the more challenging aspects in marriage: when a husband and wife begin to grow together spiritually. For many, spiritual growth can be difficult; growing spiritually as a couple presents even more challenges. What can we do?

In 1999, researcher George Barna came out with a study that showed born again Christians are more likely than others to experience divorce. This shocked many Christians and made us wonder what is going on in the church. As Erin and I pondered that question, we found a Gallup Poll that was done in 1997 by the National Association of Marriage Enhancement in Phoenix Arizona that showed the divorce rate among couples who pray together regularly is 1 out of 1,152. That�s a divorce rate of less than one percent. Could it be that prayer is the missing link in keeping couples together? It�s prayer that makes two people one and binds two hearts together with the heart of God.

James, the brother of Jesus, wrote, �Draw near to God and He will draw near to you� (James 4:8). We believe that prayer, like no other resource in the universe, not only keeps couples together, but draws them into a deep, spiritual intimacy together.

Although we routinely encourage couples to pray together regularly, some couples do not feel comfortable praying together. Prayer is not the only way to foster spiritual intimacy together. Sadly, some couples get caught in the myth that we �have to� be praying together or reading the Bible together in order to grow spiritually. Don�t fall into that trap. Some couples have found that listening to worship music together does the trick. Others have found participating in a small group with other couples deepens their spiritual intimacy. Make a list of all the different ways you could experience a spiritual relationship together. The longer the list the better. And then pick several. Rotate different activities. Don�t think that prayer and Bible study are the only ways. The point is to do �something� together spiritually. Erin and I love listening to praise and worship music together. When we do that we feel very connected spiritually.

Good Sex Follows Good Communication

Sexuality is more than sex. Our sexuality includes our values, what we know, our attitudes, what we believe, and how we behave. Sexuality is about our bodies and how they work. It includes who we�re attracted to and what we desire. It�s influenced by our upbringing� our morals, our ethics, and our culture. Communication is what makes it work. Our spouse needs to know what we want, how we feel and what concerns us sexually. On the other hand, we must pay attention to our mate when he or she is trying to communicate wants, feelings and concerns as well. The solution then is to communicate in the bedroom.

My husband, Greg and I learned this lesson the hard way. Early on in our relationship, there were many nights of frustration, hurt, disappointment, confusion, and feelings of rejection and failure. Every marriage is susceptible to sexual problems and ours is no different. One of the more interesting experiences in our relationship happened on our honeymoon.

We spent our first night in a very romantic hotel overlooking the ocean in California. I will never forget how nervous we were trying to talk about what our first sexual experience would be like. In spite of our anxiety, we discussed our hopes, desires and fears. We talked about our expectations and what it would finally be like to experience sexual intimacy together.

Later that evening, Greg, being the more conscious one in our relationship, wanted to make sure the door was locked and the �do not disturb� sign was in place. This is when one of the most embarrassing moments of our marriage happened.

Our hotel room was actually a suite. So it had a separate bedroom and living area. Sadly for Greg, he did not hear the maid enter the room to tidy up. Worse, the maid didn�t know that we were in the back room so she must have thought the suite was empty. I�m sure you can guess what happened next.

Greg came flying out of the bedroom to lock the door, and to prevent the very thing that was about to take place. I guess the sight of my unclothed husband running full steam ahead towards the door was too much for the maid to endure. She screamed bloody murder, and ran out of the room. Greg�s first instinct was to give chase and try to explain himself, but this only made things worse. Needless to say, Greg and I have learned a lot about communication, especially in our sexual relationship, since that first day. I would like to encourage you to consider four key elements to improve your communication around sex.

1. Develop a Sexual Vocabulary. Between men and women, there can be a lot of double meanings, confusion, and missed communication. Sex will be better if you are able to communicate likes and dislikes. Each couple will discuss sexual intimacy in different ways. But the key is to talk in ways that neither of you find embarrassing, distasteful or just plain silly. Honor should always be at the core of your communication. Establishing a sexual vocabulary is not something that happens quickly or in some sort of formal sit-down discussion. It�s something that develops with time as trust develops.

2. Talk about what You�re not Talking about. Be aware that a number of factors may hinder your sexual satisfaction that has nothing to do with sex. If either person is unsympathetic to the pressures and worries of life�weight, children, finances, work�it most likely will detract from your sexual relationship. There will be times when neither spouse feels “sexy,” or �in the mood.� Talk about these things. When these things interfere with your sexual intimacy it�s critical to discuss what is really happening. Although it might be easier to withdraw and fade off to sleep hurt, frustrated or disappointed, it will not help the relationship if you do not talk about these other things.

3. Be Specific. Many couples forget to talk about what is working well for them sexually, or they feel awkward trying to figure out what pleases each other. Tell your spouse what he or she is doing that pleases you. How can you know what he or she likes, especially if they don�t say anything? Some people think it�s selfish to say what they like. Or they may think that they should pretend to like everything. That sets up a bad precedent for the future.

4. Earn a Ph.D. in Your Mate. In order to have a strong sexual relationship, it�s critical to learn everything you can about your mate. Your attitude about your spouse should be, �I am going spend the rest of my life learning about you. I am going to work so hard at deepening my knowledge of you that I will have earned a Ph.D. in you.� To accomplish this you must: Ask questions, ask questions, ask questions. I cannot stress the important of asking questions to have a great sex life. A huge part of the communication in your bedroom should be learning about the sexual likes and dislikes of your mate. Phrases like “I really enjoy it when you …” or “How do you feel about . . .” or “I think the thing I enjoy most about our intimacy is…” can add huge insight into your sexual relationship. Even if you think you know the answers to these questions, ask. You both will change over time and with each phase of your life.

Keep on Talking

To have a great sex life, we need to recognize that it requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to communicate together about this sacred aspect of our marriage. It will require frequent monitoring, for there must be a sharing of our own sexual feelings, preferences, and responses. We must be good teachers and humble students, for we have much to learn together. As the life cycle adds years, the complexities of our lives and physical changes may affect our sexual responses. Feelings and reactions are usually different during pregnancy, after child-birth, and in our later years. Sexual interest is never static. Although aging may affect hormonal levels, there is no reason why healthy couples should not find satisfaction in their sexual relations their entire lives as long as they keep talking.

My (Michael) dear friend Casey McKown, who lives in the adjacent community of The Woodlands, came to pick us up and drive our family to the airport this morning. We are heading to Phoenix, Arizona to speak at a conference and the kids are joining us. I thought it would be fun to bring the kids to Phoenix and show them where their old man grew up.

As usual, we were all waiting outside in the car for my wife to finally exit the home. Like other crazy ladies out there, my wife has the excruciating need to thoroughly clean the house before leaving on vacation. I can not personally understand this need because my idea of cleanliness has more to do with stench than it does messes on the floor.

Casey and I were standing outside of the car chatting about life and discussing the linear equation to the mathematical equivalent of the speed of light (which I know there are several words in this sentence that are made up or used completely inaccurately). Or we were talking about the latest episode of Battle Star Galactica, because that is how we roll! Anyway, my wife finally comes outside to get in the car, and this is when it happened.

Casey and I were standing at the front of my Honda Odyssey as Amy passed us to get in the van. As she walked by she made a comment that only a wife can make, �Casey, do you see the damage Michael did to the front bumper when he hit a tire yesterday on the freeway.� My reaction was swift and immediate, �What?!� I was upset for two reasons. First, I was upset because I didn’t even know the front bumper was messed up which only further proves what an unmanly man I really am! Secondly, that was totally unfair!

As Amy knelt down by the damaged front bumper, she pointed out the massive black mark and how the side of the bumper was now detached from the van. Amy again highlighted how I’d hit the tire on the freeway which caused the extensive damage. I was beside myself and did what any normal human being does when getting unfairly blamed, I got defensive! In one quick, reactive statement I retorted Amy’s comment by saying, �And by hit a tire on the freeway, do you mean a car swerved in front of us, cutting us off, and blew a tire which then flew across the ground at blinding speeds and smacked in to our front bumper?�

What did I get for my brilliant argument? A simple, yet profound �Nope, you hit it.� And with that Amy got in the car with a wry smile on her face. The kind of smile that says, �Gotcha.� Luckily we are writing a book on personal responsibility, because as I was getting upset and preparing my �you’re not allowed to blame me� speech, God quietly reminded me that my defensiveness was getting me overly worked up. Amy was clearly messing with me, but I was allowing my pride to cause me to react poorly.

This is why defensiveness is so unhelpful in relationships.

We define defensiveness as a person’s attempt to resolve a problem through arguing, explaining away, or being combative. When we argue with someone about the facts surrounding a circumstance, we are being defensive. When conflict occurs between two people, the �remembered� facts of the situation are rarely accurate. It never does us any good to argue facts with our spouse (or anyone for that matter). Discussing the facts only causes defensiveness in the person we are arguing with about the facts!

Explaining away is one of the more popular ways to be defensive. It does not initially appear argumentative or combative, but this could not be further from the truth. Take for example a recent couple we saw in one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives. When we asked the wife what it would take to get her marriage from a 3 to a 10 (1 being horrible and 10 being great) she said, �It would be nice if we could spend more time together at home just hanging out and not working on the computer.� The wife’s voice was calm as she shared her need, but the husband’s reaction was swift. �What do you mean spend more time together at home? When I’m home all you seem to want to do is sit on the couch and watch your favorite shows. How can that be spending time together? I would love to spend more time together at home, but it is not my fault this isn’t happening!�

Can you see the breakdown in communication and the defensiveness? The wife was obviously not feeling like they were spending any time together at home. Her definition of spending time together was clearly different than her husband’s, but her husband reacted poorly by getting upset and defensive. The husband took her need as a direct assault on him, as if he was the person at fault for them not spending any time together. So he fought back with defensiveness by trying to explain away his wife’s opinion.

You know the drill. You get accused of something and you feel that if you could only �convince� your spouse about the inaccuracy of her opinion or experience, things would get better. But things do not get better, ever, when we try to explain away our spouse’s feelings or needs.

Defensiveness causes unhappiness and a breakdown in communication because it escalates the negative emotions we might be experiencing in a conflict (or potential conflict). Have you ever experienced your spouse calming down after being defensive? Probably not, so then why do we keep doing it? Because we are not taking personal responsibility of our emotions and choices. Defensiveness is a direct result of a lack of taking responsibility. Who wants to be told their feelings and needs are inaccurate or wrong? No one does.

So then why do we choose to react defensively even though we know it is not going to help the conflict? In our experience, we have found three reasons why people tend to get defensive:

1. We get defensive because we are sinful.

There is no escaping our sinfulness. We have already discussed this earlier in the book. But we want to keep reminding you of your brokenness. Not because we want you to feel bad about your sin, but because we want you to be humble and understand your spouse’s needs and feelings. Our sin does not define us, God does. In Genesis we learned that we were created in God’s image. This gives us tremendous value. No other part of God’s creation was given this distinction. So your sin does not define who you are. However, it does impact how you behave and that is where we need to be sensitive, humble, and understanding.

2. We get defensive because we want to prove we are right or our spouse is wrong.

How many arguments have you gotten in to with your spouse because you wanted to prove something? Does it feel good when your spouse or someone else tries to invalidate your feelings or needs? Probably not, we can all relate to how that might feel. Getting in to a who’s right or who’s wrong conversation is never a good thing. The conflict will only get worse and you will never come together as a team if you are constantly on opposing sides or counsel (like lawyers in a courtroom).

3. We get defensive because we feel bad that something we did was taken wrong or misunderstood.

This reason for defensiveness can be the hardest one to break. The first two reasons are pretty obvious and make logical sense in terms of their negative impact on a marriage. If we are going to be happy in our marriage, then we have to allow our spouse to feel negatively about something we may have unintentionally done. This seems unfair because why should we be punished for something we did not do? It sounds so logical to try and explain away the unintentional hurt of our spouse. �If only he would listen to me and let me explain what I meant, he would feel better.� But our spouse doesn’t feel better after we have tried to explain away the hurt, does he? We do this as well, and we both know it never seems to make things better.

Their faces were filled with anguish as they approached us after one of our sessions at a marriage seminar. They wanted to smile, but years of unhappiness and regret had taken its toll on them. We saw their desperation, but we couldn�t have been more surprised by what the husband said first.

�Can you fix this marriage in 30 second or less?�

Wow. We would like to fancy ourselves as talented marriage consultants, but this guy was asking for a miracle; and he was serious. Thirty seconds or less? Are you kidding? But then it hit us, like Mike Tyson hitting Michael Spinks, but it took less than 92 seconds for us to come up with his answer. �You want to fix your marriage in 30 seconds or less? Then start with changing yourself and decide to be a loving, supportive, active, and growing husband.�

Not surprisingly, he didn�t take to our answer. This guy is like a lot of people in our country. America is no longer the land of the free and the home of the brave, but more accurately the land of the irresponsible and home of the no fault lawsuit; the demise of our relationships are the proof.

It�s about time we all start growing up. Being an adult does not mean things become easier, in fact, it really means things become more difficult because, as adults, we are responsible for all of our own actions and feelings. We can no longer be victims, like we were as children, but instead we must start assuming the freedom and power we have in Christ honoring life, which is the simple solution to a happy marriage.

I, Amy, remember a couple I worked with. They were committed Christians. They volunteered in their church. They had small children. Yet something was missing. We went through the intensive. They learned about communication, conflict resolution, boundaries, effective time-outs, validation, love languages, etc. Yet there was something about her that I could tell her spirit wasn’t open to her husband. I cry every time I think of them because they struggled and struggled. She struggled because she didn’t know what was wrong with her- was she depressed? Did she not have enough faith? Was there something wrong with him? The answer didn’t come right away.Slowly the clouds lifted in their lives. Their children have a mom and dad still together. So what made the difference? They both wrestled with their own demons, I mean issues. He took the lead in loving her with so much unconditional love it humbled me. He dug so deep to try to find her he became bloodied and bruised along the way but he found her. He wasn’t a doormat, he drew boundaries when needed but he gently offered her his love over and over again. God did an amazing thing in their lives. Slowly she began to open up. He first contacted me, almost holding his breath not wanting to move in fear she might run away again, and he shared he could see she was trying. This is an exert from an email I got from him, “Vulnerability and honesty have freed her from her cage that had grown so dark and so deep. Amy, I could have never imagined the beauty of the woman that had become locked in that box- beauty you could see. I often wish that you were right around the corner so that you could step into our family for a moment and see how God has used you. You battled like a warrior against satan�s dark grip and as a result, I pray, your effort will continue to ripple into many other lives. I am still truly amazed in God�s grace; He spared our family from destruction. He restored freedom and love.” Are you willing to fight the good fight? God is willing to look you squarely in the eye and give you the wisdom you seek to draw you into intimacy. Are you willing? It’s simple but it takes time and energy.

One of our favorite first lines when working with a client in an intensive setting is, �What brings you in today.� We�re not the first people to ask this question, but it does have special meaning for us. �What brings you in today� is at the heart of many people�s issues. How people typically respond to this question will tell us a lot of how successful they will be in getting helped. If they start listing a long line of issues about their spouse as the reason they are coming to one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives, then we know we are in a battle. The problem with your marriage, however, is not your long list of issues or complaints about your spouse. Honestly, it is the level at which each of you is willing to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage. Issues are just issues. Many times couples are stressed out in their marriage because neither is willing to do the right thing (unless the other is willing to do it first). Then there are other times when one spouse wants to work on their marriage but the other has checked out long before they reach our door. There is hope for both! Whether you are in marital limbo, crisis, or growth- God has a plan for you. His plan is to release you from captivity (Isaiah 42:7) and free you to live a life worthy of your calling (2 Thessalonians 1:11). When you keep your own personal growth your goal you will not fail. God will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronmy 31:6), even if a spouse does.

What brings you to reading this book today? Are you frustrated? Does your spouse not meet your needs like you want? Do you feel alone, rejected, or disconnected? Has life turned out to be one huge disappointing experience after another? What brings you to reading this book today?

Be careful with your answer. It�s an important question. If you answer, �My spouse� my child� my boss�� Then you�re not ready for the following pages. In fact, they might even upset the very core of your being.

This book is not about what your spouse must do so you can enjoy a satisfied and happy marriage. This book is about learning what YOU can do to help create an environment where a satisfied and happy marriage is possible.

We are not slaves to our circumstances. We have a choice. We do not blow-up at the car in front of us because they cut us off. Every reaction we display is our choice. Let us say this another way, we decide whether or not we are going to be upset, sad, frustrated, mad, or hurt.

We are in control of our own well-being and emotions. People, places, or things do not make us unhappy in life. We choose to feel unhappy as a result of what happens around us. We will address this concept in much more depth later on in chapter seven. But it is important to note here, at the beginning of this book. You can choose how you respond to circumstances.

We know you can not control what happens to you by other people. If you catch your spouse in an affair, your initial reaction will be your gut reaction. Your gut reaction is what�s natural to you. We are not talking about controlling what initially happens to you when faced with hardships or heartache. We are talking about controlling how you move forward and how you respond to tough circumstances.

What a difference it can make when you understand the DNA of relationships, the relationship dances, and the five dance steps. As you join me in this delightful adventure of discovery, you�ll experience God�s love and power in fresh and exciting ways:

You�ll learn about the amazing Power of One. You�ll see how to take personal responsibility for your part in all relationships. You�ll see how to become completely empowered to choose how you feel within all of your relationships. This message has completely changed our family, our staff, and our lives. We just have to send it out to the world, to churches and families and couples and singles, so that others can enjoy the same freedom and enthusiasm that we�re enjoying! Can you just imagine teenagers�or anyone else for that matter�not blaming others for being unhappy? They could learn how to be responsible for their own emotions. That would be a great day.

You�ll learn about Safety, about creating an environment that feels safe, where true intimacy can take root and bloom. You�ll learn how personal differences can enhance your relationship instead of causing problems and how you can adopt an attitude of curiosity that brings excitement to your life. And you�ll discover how to effectively and positively deal with �walls� that your partner may put up. Just imagine friends, couples and kids feeling completely safe to open up and share their deepest thoughts with others who love them.

You�ll learn about Self-care, how God wants you to take care of yourself so that you can become a channel of his love to others. We�ll show you how to make sure that your internal battery is charged, ready to connect for satisfied and fulfilled relationships. Imagine a host of people learning how to take care of themselves in ways that enable them to care for others. Can you see workplaces and churches filled with people who are not expecting others to fill them up, but rather are taking care of themselves during the week and come to work or church to enrich each other?
You�ll learn about Emotional Communication, a powerful communication method with the strength to eliminate the main causes of divorce and the primary causes of separation between friends. You�ll learn how to connect deeply with the heart of another person. We�ll show you how to find the emotional �nugget� that leads to effective and fulfilling communication, enabling you to feel confident that you will be understood. And we�re going to show you how to make communication easier and more efficient than you�ve ever experienced! Imagine feeling that others deeply understand you.

You�ll learn about Teamwork, about adopting a no-losers policy that will help you walk in harmony and complete unity with your spouse, family members, and friends so that you never again have to worry about losing an argument. We�ll show you how to identify the obstacles that make your relationships difficult, as well as how to clear those hurdles out of the way. Imagine families and neighbors and colleagues working through conflict in ways that don�t damage relationships.
Does any of this sound appealing to you? Does it sound like something you would like in your own life?

Well, how could it not?

After seeing the results of the patterns that Greg and Bob�s team had discovered, I started thinking, Wait a minute! If this material has so effectively helped me to handle my conflicts with Norma, maybe it can also help to explain why I lost some key friendships back in the seventies and eighties. I was closer than a brother to several men, and yet we fell out of fellowship and into terrible disharmony.

Dreadful memories flooded my mind, painful memories full of sadness and regret and grief. I thought of two men in particular, once dear and close friends, but from whom I had so totally disconnected that we no longer even spoke with one another. Here I was, a respected marriage and family �expert,� and yet I couldn�t even get along with men whom I once counted my closest friends! The thought deeply embarrassed and troubled me.

As I replayed old mental tapes and pondered what might have happened between us, eventually it dawned on me. I had followed with these friends the same pattern that had caused me so much grief with my wife! I began to see how these men and I had been involved in a destructive dance. As result we simply went our separate ways�angry, hurt, and confused. And so we lost a treasured friendship.

But maybe it didn�t have to be that way! Maybe I could employ the same principles that worked so well with Norma to strengthen my current friendships and rebuild damaged ones!

Once I started down this mental track, a number of other things started becoming clear. I looked back over my life and thought, Oh-oh, wait a minute. I had a major conflict a couple of years ago with a pastor right in my hometown. What happened? It looks as if exactly the same pattern occurred there, too!

As my mind continued to spin, I realized that something eerily similar had been taking place in my relationships with my daughter and two sons. I saw a similar pattern that fueled our worst conflicts. �Wow!� I said to myself, once these ugly patterns started coming clear to me. �I have to learn how to spot these things and put a stop to them before they can cause serious damage. I need to learn more about this relationship dance phenomenon. And I want to learn and master the five dance steps that make it possible for me to build harmonious, satisfying relationships.�

I�ve been learning ever since! And what I�ve been learning and applying in my own life, I want to teach you.

Think about a time when you have been hurt by your spouse. You instantly felt closed, shut down or disconnected. But have you noticed how quickly your heart reopened when the offender took responsibility for hurting you and sought forgiveness? You went from feeling completely closed to wide open in little more than a heartbeat. This is because openness is the default setting of our hearts. They were designed to be open. It�s all the junk�lies, negative messages, and hurtful behavior�that forces our hearts to shut down. But that isn�t how God created us.

Emotional safety is the bedrock of a close, open, intimate marital relationship. In this kind of secure environment, the couple wants to stay in love and harmony and feel very protected, rather than vulnerable, with each other. Emotional safety will help you create a climate in which you can build an open relationship that will grow and flourish. It will help you and your spouse feel cherished, honored, and fully alive.

Attend a marriage conference, join a couples� group, make time for daily devotions, or take up a new hobby or activity together. Invest time in doing something constructive as a couple, and your hearts will feel safer.

In your quest to have a satisfying remarriage, we want to encourage you to make emotional safety a top priority�it must be the foundation for your family to survive.

What Does Emotional Safety Mean?

Most marriage books coach you on how to use a new therapy technique, unpack some latest bit of research, or apply the five trendy steps or seven popular principles. What you really need is simply the know-how to create an emotionally safe environment.

We asked more than one thousand couples who attended a recent marriage seminar to define �emotional safety.� Listen to some of their responses:

• Feeling completely secure
• Knowing that you are loved
• Being accepted for who you are
• Feeling relaxed and less tense
• Being cared for above anyone else
• Feeling free to express who you really are
• Being loved unconditionally
• Feeling confident and less insecure
• Feeling respected
• Being with someone who is trustworthy
• Feeling comfortable around that person
• Being there for me
• Being fully understood
• Feeling valued and honored
• Loving reassurance
• Feeling a deep sense that the relationship is solid
• Allowing ourselves to open fully to give and receive love
• Not being judged
• Seeing me for who I am
• Accepting my flaws as part of the whole package
• Maintaining an atmosphere of open communication

That�s a pretty amazing list, isn�t it? Wouldn�t it feel wonderful to have all of these things as the foundation of your marital relationship? We define emotional safety as feeling free to open up and reveal who you really are, knowing that the other person will still love, understand, accept, and value you�no matter what. Wow! I want that in marriage. Don�t you?

Try to come up with five personal questions to ask your spouse that you do not know the answers to, such as her most embarrassing moment or his most memorable meal. Other suggestions? Find out what celebrities your mate has met, how many (and what kind) of pets your partner had growing up, and what your spouse has always secretly wanted to do.

You feel emotionally safe with someone when you believe that person will handle your heart�your deepest feelings and desires�with genuine interest, curiosity, and tender, loving care. In other words, you hold your heart out to the person and say, �Here is who I am�emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and mentally. I want you to know my heart and soul. I want you to get to know who I am and appreciate who I am and value who I am. I am a very fascinating person who will take you more than one lifetime to understand!�

But you will never offer your heart or reveal who you really are if you don’t feel that it is safe to do so.

ANSWER
Can you name the devil�s greatest ploy to cause trouble in relationships? I�d like to suggest two words: power struggle. And why do power struggles cause us such trouble? It�s simple. In every power struggle, participants become adversaries; they take up opposing positions. And as soon as a husband and a wife set themselves up as antagonists, Satan can just fold his arms and walk away, because he knows they will destroy each other. He�s already accomplished his dirty work.

Many couples set themselves up for failure because, from the outset, the individuals face off as adversaries. This can be as subtle as insisting on �making a point.� Even if one member of the pair �wins� the point, it means an automatic loss for the relationship. If one person in the marriage �loses,� then both persons in the marriage lose. There is no other option.

Why is this so? It�s true because people in a marriage are on the same team. If one team member loses, every member of that team loses. If Jimmy and Bobby both play for the Lobos baseball team in a game against the Desperados, it is impossible for Jimmy to win and Bobby to lose. Either both win or both lose.

I encourage you to make a commitment to a new way of doing things and determined to abandon the failed, old model. This begins by establishing what our colleague Bob Paul calls a �No Losers Policy.� In a No Losers Policy, couples agree that it will never be acceptable, from this point on, for either of them to walk away from any interaction, feeling as if they had lost. Each spouse has to feel good about the solution.

Creating a No Losers Policy goes a long way toward creating the kind of relationships that yield joy and satisfaction rather than grief and frustration. It�s worked for my wife, Erin, and I, and it can work equally well for you, regardless of the type of relationship in which you apply it.

They entered the pastor�s office, where the men shook hands and clapped each other lightly on the back, and Mandy gave the pastor a light hug. Then the couple sat down in chairs across from this man they respected�and waited.

Suddenly, the atmosphere turned slightly awkward. The pastor cleared his throat, obviously trying to find the right words. Matt and Mandy looked at each other anxiously. You see, Matt and Mandy were each getting married for the second time. She wasn�t the young, first-time bride but a divorcee with an ex-husband two states away and two small children. Matt had a former wife who now attended church across town and three kids who went back and forth between mom and dad. The comfortable, wood-paneled church office suddenly began to feel stifling.

This scenario, or something like it, happens in churches every day. Well-meaning couples who have experienced the pain of leaving a marriage or losing a spouse through death or divorce want to get married for the second (or more) time, and well-meaning, caring pastors and ministers feel uneasy or don�t have the right tools to counsel them on how to do it. Couples on the brink of remarriage desperately need wisdom, and their damaged hearts long for a blessing. They�ve heard the warnings of family and friends. They already know the odds against a second marriage making it. They live daily with the pain of �friends� who gossip, judge or just no longer invite them over since their marriage ended.
Still, Christian couples who believe that God has offered them a new chance at love for a lifetime make joyful plans for remarriage. They want to build a family that will honor God, and they desire to be used by Him as a living picture of redemption. They need acceptance and solid advice, and they turn to their churches to receive it.

Often, the pastor isn�t sure how to give it�the advice or the blessing. After all, praising the two for remaining sexually pure before the union doesn�t exactly fit, and talking about how the marriage will change when children enter the picture usually doesn�t apply. (Been there, done that.) Finances are muddied with child support coming and going, and simple suggestions for better communication hardly cover the sticky circumstances remarried couples will face, with former spouses who create chaos and children who may hate their stepparent. Plus, most loving pastors have counseled hundreds of marriages in trouble and watched remarriages fall apart right and left. They feel torn between hoping this union will last for the sake of all the kids involved and wanting to say, �Are you sure you want to do this?� (the polite version of shouting, �Run for the hills!�). They want to provide wisdom but aren�t sure what the right words are to say.

When premarital sessions are over, couples smile and shake hands with their pastor again, but the smiles are now strained, and all feel relieved to be parting. The three may engage in a few more of these stilted conversations before the wedding, most likely never getting past the past and on to issues of the heart that could heal. Instead of getting a good start for a healthy remarriage, couples often feel guilty or frustrated at the lack of empathy and understanding. And pastors and lay pastors who care about these couples and want to marry them with a blessing may feel like they have failed to give hope, wisdom and solid resources to give remarriages a great start.

That�s why we wrote The Heart of Remarriage. This book has a multi-fold purpose: to teach loving couples how to heal their own hearts from trauma associated with the death or divorce from a spouse, to give already remarried couples practical tools for keeping their hearts open to each other along this complicated journey, and to provide heart insight for loving pastors, lay pastors, counselors and even small group leaders who want to give advice filled with God�s wisdom that will help remarrying couples make it not only to the altar, but also through a fulfilling marriage that lasts the rest of their lives.

So thus begins a four part series on how men can better love their wives. �I want to encourage everyone reading this that the series is not going to be a male bashing experience. �Frankly, I’m tired of men continually getting picked on because we love differently than woman do. �It feels at times that the socially acceptable way to love someone is how a woman loves. �Men want to love and be loved just as much as women, we just tend to do it differently.

But the reality is that men marry women, so we need to learn how to love a woman better. �My dad, brother, and I wrote a book titled “The Men’s Relational Toolbox“. �We addressed this in the book, that men need to add certain skills to their relational toolbox in order to love their wives and daughters better. �This series is teaching four fundamentally important things that men can do to better love their wives!

The first week we learned how to truly “fix it” with our wives by learning how to better listen. �Men often get accused of trying to “fix it” too often by their wives. �The good news is that men care enough about their wives to want to fix it, but the bad news is that most men go about fixing it in an ineffective manner. �Usually the best course of action is to simply shut our mouths and listen.

James 1:19-21 teaches us, �Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human angers does not produce the righteousness God desires.So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.”

Listening is important because it’s important to our wives and it reflects a godly character (because we’re being obedient to James 1:19-21). But listening also helps increase our emotional and physical intimacy with our wife. When our wife feels loved and listened to, she will also feel more excited about the physical part of our relationship. Now let me be very clear, we do not listen because we want more sex, we listen because it’s the right way to love our wives better (more sex is just an awesome natural result of a close relationship).

Often times we read verses like the ones in James, and we thing, “That sounds great, but how do I do that practically?” Here’s the answer: you need to LUV your wife if you are going to be a better listener. LUV stands for Listen, Understand, and Validate. LUV is the main tenant to our communication method we teach couples at our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.

Listening is all about body language, eye contact, and intention…yes…whether or not we really want to listen.

Understanding comes when we ask questions of our wives when we feel confused or need further clarification. You want your wife to melt at your words, then just say something like, “Honey, I hear that you want to spend more time together, could you let me know what spending time together would look like to you?” �Proverbs 15:23; 28 23 �Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time! The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.�

Validating is saying things like, �Yes, I totally hear what you�re saying. Is there anything you need from me?� Validation is the art of allowing your wife the freedom of her own feelings and needs. Proverbs 13:3, “Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.”

This first week is about LUV, which is one of the most powerful ways you can “fix” anything for your wife. �Most wives just want to be heard and validated. �All you’ve been missing is how to accomplish this, and now you have some simply ways to listen effectively so you can have the kind of marriage you dreamt about during your engagement!

Couples miss out on true happiness when they give up during the tough times.

Make your marriage a covenant, not just a contract. God intended marriage to be much more than the contractual relationship it typically is in our society. Viewed as a contract, marriage is simply about what and your spouse agree to do for each other (and if either of you fail, the relationship can be canceled). But God designed marriage to be a covenant, a permanent relationship that’s built on unconditional love. The first step in effectively communicating with your spouse is for both of you to view your marriage as a covenant. Be willing to love your spouse with a steadfast love. Decide to focus on what you can do for your spouse, instead of on what you want your spouse to do for you.

Speak Your Spouse’s Language

A: (Part 3 of 4)

We are taking an entire month to answer the above question. The goal of this time is for you to discover your spouse’s personality type and learn many ways to understand and appreciate him or her. I want to encourage you to go back and review Parts 1 and 2 if you have not already done so.

This week we are looking at THE PARTY PERSONALITY (also called the Otter)

Ah, the best personality. Just kidding. This is my personality. The party personality is all about fun. We are going to have a ball. The Party Personality will cheer you on. If you think something is not such a good idea, just call a Party Personality. They’ll tell you, “That’s the most brilliant thing I have ever heard in my life!”

The Party Personality is always on the go. They’re ready to try a new sport, jump out of a plane, or catch a concert�last minute. Along the way, they’ll make sure the laughter is loud and everyone gets to hear some of their best stories.

PARTY PERSONALITY

Relational Strengths:
Optimistic.?Energetic.?Motivators.?Future oriented.

Strengths Out of Balance:
Unrealistic or day- dreamer.?Impatient or over bearing.?Manipulator or pushy.?Avoids details or lacks follow-through.

Communication Style:
Can inspire others.?Optimistic or enthusiastic.?One-way.?Weakness: High energy can manipulate others.

Relational Needs:
Approval.?Opportunity to verbalize.?Visibility.?Social recognition.

Relational Balance:
Be attentive to mates needs.?There is such a thing as too much optimism.

Those with the Party Personality are often daydreamers. They’re constantly imagining what could be as well as how much fun it could all be! They tend to come up with great ideas, and love to be spontaneous.

PARTY PERSONALITY EXPECTATIONS:

• Let’s have fun with whatever we are doing
• Let’s not to be too serious
• We must learn to laugh at ourselves

Unfortunately, as enjoyable as the Party Personality is to be around, they also have their blind spots�like doing the work needed to throw the party. Though they may love to be the center of attention at the party that doesn’t mean they should be the ones to throw the party! Their organizational skills leave much to be desired. All their excitement can lead to an overbearing presence. While they have a lot to say when it comes to making a decision, they may be too busy having fun to actually be a part of following through on that decision.

The Precise Personality wants to get things done right. The Pleaser Personality wants to get things done together. The Party Personality wants to make sure that everyone is having fun.

Tips to Getting Along with the Party Personality: We could all stand to lighten up just a bit. The party personality reminds us to do just that. Avoid belittling this personality with constant words like, “Come on get serious!” or “Why don’t you ever take things seriously?” If your spouse is a Party Personality then celebrate their motivation and visionary talents. Those are powerful factors of a great home. Don’t stifle their creativity. Give them room to explore new ideas and projects.

Tips to Getting Along if you’re the Party Personality: Learn to follow through on your ideas and especially your commitments. If you go to Lowe’s and buy tools to do a project around the house �do the project. If you don’t you’ll drive the Precise Personality nuts and frustrate the Powerful Personality. Remember that just because the fun leaves the project, doesn’t mean the project is over.

Next week we will look at THE POWERFUL PERSONALITY (also known as the Lion)