Tag Archives: conflict

The art of timing

Posted on December 5, 2011 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Marriage

There’s more to effective communication than putting together and then practicing the right message. Picking the right time and place to convey it is also crucial. In a marriage, meaningful words bring life-giving water to the soil of a person’s life. In fact, all loving relationships need the continual intake of the water of communication or they simply dry up. No marriage can survive without it.

If a man is to be truly effective in his relationships both at home and at work, he needs to develop the ability to speak the “language of the heart” (facts and feelings). Right there under the same roof is a woman who can help him learn that skill, if he is willing to listen to her.

Without meaning to, we can communicate nonverbally that other people or activities are more important to us than fam- ily. You’ve heard of football widows. How about golf orphans? Those who know us best provide the best correction. In particular, our mates, who were designed by God to complete us, are most sensitive to the areas in which we need help.

We also need to give praise and thanks to each other for special acts of kindness. Many people complain that their mate is strangely silent when they do something above and beyond the norm.

The Salt Principle is a method of gaining and holding a person’s attention by arousing curiosity. It’s a way to create a thirst for constructive conversation in which both you and your spouse can learn about each other’s needs. First, identify the need or concern to be discussed, and then identify areas of high interest to the other person—areas you can tap into to pique interest.

One of the easiest ways to reduce misunderstandings and communication friction is to share only a few thoughts with someone and then allow the person to repeat back what he or she thinks you said, much as would happen when you place an order at a fast food drive-through. This method will also improve your listening skills.

Added benefits to this kind of drive-through talking: (a) It gives you a chance to fully understand what the other person is saying before you respond, which also prevents tuning out the other per- son while he or she is talking; (b) it validates the other person and his or her opinions. When you not only listen but also repeat back what someone says, you communicate that the person and his or her opinions are important to you and worth taking seriously.

(This article was excerpted from 4 Days to a Forever Marriage by Gary and Norma Smalley.)

The question is: How can I honor God and my husband?

Posted on November 14, 2010 by in Marriage, Q&A

Question:
I believe we should tithe, but my husband doesnt. My husband is a Christian, but he believes tithing isnt necessary. I disagree. How do I honor my husband and honor God? ?

Answer:
Tithing itself is not a difficult concept. Christians should live their lives open-handedacknowledging that they are merely stewards of God’s possessions. They should always be willing to give 100% of that which they steward at any time required by the Lord (Matthew 19:21). Indeed, they should even be willing to offer their very “…bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God….” (Romans 12:1).

While some argue that tithing is an Old Testament principle, Jesus never taught against it, pointing out that in Matthew 5:17 Jesus said He came to fulfill the law, not abolish it. Jesus actually affirms the practice of tithing in Matthew 23:23 while warning not to neglect the practice of “justice, mercy and faithfulness.” The New Testament teaches and encourages generous giving. 1 Corinthians 16:2 sets out four principles for givingit should be regular, personal, proportional and voluntary.??But tithing has raised some difficult questions. And, since tithing involves money, its a prime candidate for conflict between a husband and wife. The question do I tithe even if my spouse objects isnt an unusual situation, especially in light of our unpredictable economy. A recent study by researcher George Barna found that only 3 percent of Christians tithea decrease from 8 percent in 2001. The principle of tithing, it seems, is not widely practiced as it once was and certainly is not widely understood as a critical form of worship.?

First, the issue is how to honor your mate and the Lord. In terms of honoring your husband, if he strongly objects to tithing, we believe you need to respect those objections and place it on the back burner until you are able to discuss the issue together. Ignoring his objections and tithing anyway would be extremely dishonoring. Since tithing is a matter of the heart, God will honor your desire to tithe even if you are not able to give. The Lord is not concerned about money, or how much or how little you give. He is much more focused on the attitude of your heart. If you have made commitments to tithe and your husband objects to giving, God will see the desire of your heart to tithe and He will honor that commitment. God will bless you because of your attitude, not because of giving. The Scriptures make this very clear: Each man should give what he has decided in his own heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:7). Thus, there are no set amounts or percentages of income dictated, rather, “…if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have” (2 Corinthians 8:12).?

Wed also encourage you to understand the real issue. Dont get caught in the trap of making the issue about tithingto tithe or not to tithe. That discussion is a total waste of time. At this point, arguing about whos right or wrong, or what the Bible says about tithing is a waste of time because its not the real issue. Get to the real issue, but use curiosity instead of judgment. If your husband doesnt want to tithe, approach the issue with curiosity. If you say things like, We are commanded to tithe, or Youre not being a very good Christian, it will come across as judgmental. Were quite positive that judgment shuts the communication process down. Hell want to defend himself, remind you of what youre doing wrong, or whatever. The bottom line is that judgment wouldnt get you where you want to be.

The alternative to judgment is curiosity. Be curious about what the real issue is. Curiosity is honoring. Judgment is dishonoring. For your husband, the real issue might be his concerns about your financial security in an unstable economy. The real issue might be that your debt levels are so high and he feels you cant afford to tithe right now. Maybe he does not like the church you are currently attending and his lack of giving is more about supporting a church he doesnt believe in than it is about tithing? The point is to discover the real issue. And then just listenseeking to understand. Resist the urge to debate or argue his concerns or objections. That will shut down the conversation fast. When you discover the real issue, it has an amazing ability to bring empathy and understanding when there was little or none before.?

Crown Financial Ministries (www.crown.org) suggests a wonderful idea. You might want to ask your husband to let you give an amount smaller than the tithe for at least a year. If, at the end of the year, the family is worse off financially as a result of giving, you will agree to stop giving. If the family is better off, the husband may agree to give more. In Malachi 3:10, the Lord says to test Him in this thing (tithing). Often this is just the opportunity for God to prove Himself real to a doubting spouse. 2) We have tried and tried to have a devotional time as a couple and with our children. Nothing seems to work. What can we do to make this work? Are there any creative and practical ways to foster spiritual intimacy with my spouse? ?

Were all familiar with Moses and what he wrote more than 4,000 years ago in the book of Deuteronomy: Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates (Deut 6:5-9; NIV).

First, we can’t foster spiritual convictions in our children if its only during Sunday school, bedtime prayer, after dinner devotionals, or while driving to school. We must live them all day long. Our spiritual teaching should permeate throughout everything we do. It should not only be a thing we formally do, it should be informal as well. In other words, it should be in everything we do, not just during a pre-planned activity. We love the verse: pray continually (1Thes 5:17; NIV). Like prayer, passing on spiritual convictions is something that should be a part of all that we doit should never end. We need to reinforce spiritual teaching throughout the day. This teaching task is the most important assignment God has given to us as parents.

How we have meaningful devotions as a family, while keeping our children from being bored or uninvolved is the real question. And for this we have one word: Short! Or, one phrase: Keep is short silly (KISS). Children wont understand or sit through lengthy adult devotions. The rule of thumb is around five minuteswhich usually represent the attention span of young child. So, focus on one or two Bible verses and a quick prayer.

And the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate (Mark 10:8-9; NIV). This is one of the more challenging aspects in marriage: when a husband and wife begin to grow together spiritually. For many, spiritual growth can be difficult; growing spiritually as a couple presents even more challenges. What can we do?

In 1999, researcher George Barna came out with a study that showed born again Christians are more likely than others to experience divorce. This shocked many Christians and made us wonder what is going on in the church. As Erin and I pondered that question, we found a Gallup Poll that was done in 1997 by the National Association of Marriage Enhancement in Phoenix Arizona that showed the divorce rate among couples who pray together regularly is 1 out of 1,152. Thats a divorce rate of less than one percent. Could it be that prayer is the missing link in keeping couples together? Its prayer that makes two people one and binds two hearts together with the heart of God.

James, the brother of Jesus, wrote, Draw near to God and He will draw near to you (James 4:8). We believe that prayer, like no other resource in the universe, not only keeps couples together, but draws them into a deep, spiritual intimacy together.

Although we routinely encourage couples to pray together regularly, some couples do not feel comfortable praying together. Prayer is not the only way to foster spiritual intimacy together. Sadly, some couples get caught in the myth that we have to be praying together or reading the Bible together in order to grow spiritually. Dont fall into that trap. Some couples have found that listening to worship music together does the trick. Others have found participating in a small group with other couples deepens their spiritual intimacy. Make a list of all the different ways you could experience a spiritual relationship together. The longer the list the better. And then pick several. Rotate different activities. Dont think that prayer and Bible study are the only ways. The point is to do something together spiritually. Erin and I love listening to praise and worship music together. When we do that we feel very connected spiritually.

The fear dance – understanding why you fight

Posted on November 11, 2010 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution

My husband and I have been married for almost nine months. I must admit that marriage has been much more difficult than I’d expected. I knew we would have disagreements, but when we fight I shut down and don’t respond. I think this is because my family never talked things out. My husband’s family was totally the opposite. How can I learn to communicate what I’m feeling and thinking to my husband?

The key to learning how to communicate feelings and thoughts to our spouse is to be clear about what is actually driving our hurts and pain. In other words, we must get to the core and actually talk about what is beneath the surface. Instead of getting stuck arguing about the issue (i.e., money, sex, kids, work, etc.) or what the other person is doing, we have an opportunity to discuss what is really going on deep inside of us.

What drives our hurt and frustrations in marriage? Buttons. Every person on the planet has buttons. Whats a button? Think about how you feel when someone says something or does something that hurts you, or scares you, or frustrates you. Instantly, you find yourself reacting to them in some way. Maybe you start to defend yourself or criticize them, or perhaps you shut down and start to withdraw. Regardless of what you do, the key is to notice that your button just got pushed.

So what are some of the most common buttons and what do they sound like in the marriage?

  • Rejected: My spouse doesnt want me.
  • Abandoned: My spouse will ultimately leave me.
  • Failure: I am not successful at being a husband/wife.
  • Helpless: I will be controlled by my spouse.
  • Inadequate: I am incompetent.
  • Unloved: My spouse has little affection or desire for me.
  • Defective: Something is wrong with me.
  • Worthless: I have little value to my spouse.
  • Dont measure up: I am not good enough as a mate.
  • Unimportant: I am of little priority to my spouse.

And these are just a few of the buttons we may have. Actually, another word for buttons is fear. If you think about it, this shouldnt be so surprising. Fear is as old as the Garden of Eden. In the beginning, Adam and Eve enjoyed a perfect and satisfying relationship with God and with one another. But the moment they disregarded Gods instructions and chose instead to follow the serpents advice, fear took over. It spoiled their relationship to God and to each other. He answered, I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid (Genesis 3:10). And we have been feeling its destructive effects ever since.

The reason identifying your buttons or fear is important is that it is the music that starts the dance that keeps a marriage stuck in this vicious cycle. We call this the Fear Dance. You would think that the Fear Dance is not a dance anyone would choose to do. You would think most people would rather do a Love Dance or a Joy Dance, something positive. But unless we understand the Fear Dance and how we can choose not to do it, it seems to be the default dance in most relationships.

So how does the Fear Dance work? To make sure you understand the dance, lets take a look what the Fear Dance might look like for you.

Through thousands of counseling sessions, both in our clinic and with people around the world, we have come to realize that when a conflict stirs powerful emotions of hurt, it also touches specific fears. When someone pushes your fear button, you tend to react with unhealthy words or actions calculated to motivate the other person to change and give you what you want. What we want is usually the opposite of the fear. If we fear being a failure, we want to feel successful. If we fear being rejected, we desire to feel accepted. What causes fights and quarrels among you? Dont they come from your desires that battle within you? (James 4:1).

Often your reactions triggers fears in your mate, who then reacts with unhealthy words or actions to try to get you to fulfill his or her wants. And suddenly the two of you end up in a full-blown Fear Dance. The dance looks like this diagram:

Most peopleconsciously and unconsciouslyfall into this well-worn pattern of reacting when someone pushes their fear buttons. Theyll do anything to soothe their hurt and desires. Theyll do or say anything to calm their fears.

More often than not, emotions and thinking result in behavior that damages relationships. When you fear that your wants will not be fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control. You may fear losing connection, so you try to seize connection. Our team describes these reactions as your attempt to become the broker for your own wants. Reactions are strategies we employ to get the other person to help us with our desires. You desperately want your wayto be sovereign, to overcome your feelings of helplessness.

This means that its not merely your fears that disrupts and injures your relationships. Its how you choose to react when someone pushes your fear buttons. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our relationships.

The Fear Dance works with guaranteed success every time it goes in motion. It doesnt matter what you throw at it; it works perfectly to get you right to where you dont want to be. And it does it every time, without fail.

But we shouldnt be too hard on ourselves. We do cope in unhealthy ways, but we do it with a worthy goal of keeping the relationship going. You might call such a system functionally dysfunctional. Its functional in that it keeps two people bouncing off one another. It allows them to continue some sort of interaction, even if that interaction consistently hurts. It functions in a painful, crazy kind of way. At the same time, however, its deeply dysfunctional. The relationships it creates bring tremendous pain. The Fear Dance works in that it allows the people involved to continue some sort of relationship, but it has no power to create the kind of relationships they really want.

When we describe the Fear Dance, most everyone gets it. They quickly see how destructive the Fear Dance can be. They grasp its dangers and recognize its sorry track record in their own relationships.

One of the worst things about the Fear Dance is that, eventually, it makes us dependent on other people for our happiness and fulfillment. We look to our spouse to fulfill our desires. And theres something functionally dysfunctional about such a dependency. God created us to depend on him, and as human beings we naturally gravitate toward being dependent. But theres a problem: such dependency was designed and reserved for God alone, not for our spouses or friends or bosses. So although the Fear Dance works, after a fashion, it cannot bring us to where we want to be.

The key to breaking the fear dance is to first identify your buttons, and then your reactions. Remember, you can either talk on a surface level, arguing about the issue or what the other person does that hurts or frustrates you, or you can talk about what is really driving your hurt and frustrationyour buttons. Buttons or fears can be a very useful source of information, and acknowledging and discussing your buttons can open the door to an intimate moment.

A surprising way to a stronger marriage – Eliminate unhappiness

Posted on October 18, 2010 by in Marriage

We like starting off chapters with a powerful illustration that brings home the point of the chapter in a way that only illustrations can. It can feel daunting at times to keep finding new stories and metaphors that work for each chapter. We will scour the Web, browse through books and books of writing illustrations, and even borrow really good ones from other books we have read. And then sometimes, God drops the perfect illustration in to our lives through the complexity of our life. This morning, the perfect illustration to why defensiveness does not work and only makes things worse and marriages more unhappy occurred.

My (Michael) dear friend Casey McKown, who lives in the adjacent community of The Woodlands, came to pick us up and drive our family to the airport this morning. We are heading to Phoenix, Arizona to speak at a conference and the kids are joining us. I thought it would be fun to bring the kids to Phoenix and show them where their old man grew up.

As usual, we were all waiting outside in the car for my wife to finally exit the home. Like other crazy ladies out there, my wife has the excruciating need to thoroughly clean the house before leaving on vacation. I can not personally understand this need because my idea of cleanliness has more to do with stench than it does messes on the floor.

Casey and I were standing outside of the car chatting about life and discussing the linear equation to the mathematical equivalent of the speed of light (which I know there are several words in this sentence that are made up or used completely inaccurately). Or we were talking about the latest episode of Battle Star Galactica, because that is how we roll! Anyway, my wife finally comes outside to get in the car, and this is when it happened.

Casey and I were standing at the front of my Honda Odyssey as Amy passed us to get in the van. As she walked by she made a comment that only a wife can make, Casey, do you see the damage Michael did to the front bumper when he hit a tire yesterday on the freeway. My reaction was swift and immediate, What?! I was upset for two reasons. First, I was upset because I didn’t even know the front bumper was messed up which only further proves what an unmanly man I really am! Secondly, that was totally unfair!

As Amy knelt down by the damaged front bumper, she pointed out the massive black mark and how the side of the bumper was now detached from the van. Amy again highlighted how I’d hit the tire on the freeway which caused the extensive damage. I was beside myself and did what any normal human being does when getting unfairly blamed, I got defensive! In one quick, reactive statement I retorted Amy’s comment by saying, And by hit a tire on the freeway, do you mean a car swerved in front of us, cutting us off, and blew a tire which then flew across the ground at blinding speeds and smacked in to our front bumper?

What did I get for my brilliant argument? A simple, yet profound Nope, you hit it. And with that Amy got in the car with a wry smile on her face. The kind of smile that says, Gotcha. Luckily we are writing a book on personal responsibility, because as I was getting upset and preparing my you’re not allowed to blame me speech, God quietly reminded me that my defensiveness was getting me overly worked up. Amy was clearly messing with me, but I was allowing my pride to cause me to react poorly.

This is why defensiveness is so unhelpful in relationships.

We define defensiveness as a person’s attempt to resolve a problem through arguing, explaining away, or being combative. When we argue with someone about the facts surrounding a circumstance, we are being defensive. When conflict occurs between two people, the remembered facts of the situation are rarely accurate. It never does us any good to argue facts with our spouse (or anyone for that matter). Discussing the facts only causes defensiveness in the person we are arguing with about the facts!

Explaining away is one of the more popular ways to be defensive. It does not initially appear argumentative or combative, but this could not be further from the truth. Take for example a recent couple we saw in one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives. When we asked the wife what it would take to get her marriage from a 3 to a 10 (1 being horrible and 10 being great) she said, It would be nice if we could spend more time together at home just hanging out and not working on the computer. The wife’s voice was calm as she shared her need, but the husband’s reaction was swift. What do you mean spend more time together at home? When I’m home all you seem to want to do is sit on the couch and watch your favorite shows. How can that be spending time together? I would love to spend more time together at home, but it is not my fault this isn’t happening!

Can you see the breakdown in communication and the defensiveness? The wife was obviously not feeling like they were spending any time together at home. Her definition of spending time together was clearly different than her husband’s, but her husband reacted poorly by getting upset and defensive. The husband took her need as a direct assault on him, as if he was the person at fault for them not spending any time together. So he fought back with defensiveness by trying to explain away his wife’s opinion.

You know the drill. You get accused of something and you feel that if you could only convince your spouse about the inaccuracy of her opinion or experience, things would get better. But things do not get better, ever, when we try to explain away our spouse’s feelings or needs.

Defensiveness causes unhappiness and a breakdown in communication because it escalates the negative emotions we might be experiencing in a conflict (or potential conflict). Have you ever experienced your spouse calming down after being defensive? Probably not, so then why do we keep doing it? Because we are not taking personal responsibility of our emotions and choices. Defensiveness is a direct result of a lack of taking responsibility. Who wants to be told their feelings and needs are inaccurate or wrong? No one does.

So then why do we choose to react defensively even though we know it is not going to help the conflict? In our experience, we have found three reasons why people tend to get defensive:

1. We get defensive because we are sinful.

There is no escaping our sinfulness. We have already discussed this earlier in the book. But we want to keep reminding you of your brokenness. Not because we want you to feel bad about your sin, but because we want you to be humble and understand your spouse’s needs and feelings. Our sin does not define us, God does. In Genesis we learned that we were created in God’s image. This gives us tremendous value. No other part of God’s creation was given this distinction. So your sin does not define who you are. However, it does impact how you behave and that is where we need to be sensitive, humble, and understanding.

2. We get defensive because we want to prove we are right or our spouse is wrong.

How many arguments have you gotten in to with your spouse because you wanted to prove something? Does it feel good when your spouse or someone else tries to invalidate your feelings or needs? Probably not, we can all relate to how that might feel. Getting in to a who’s right or who’s wrong conversation is never a good thing. The conflict will only get worse and you will never come together as a team if you are constantly on opposing sides or counsel (like lawyers in a courtroom).

3. We get defensive because we feel bad that something we did was taken wrong or misunderstood.

This reason for defensiveness can be the hardest one to break. The first two reasons are pretty obvious and make logical sense in terms of their negative impact on a marriage. If we are going to be happy in our marriage, then we have to allow our spouse to feel negatively about something we may have unintentionally done. This seems unfair because why should we be punished for something we did not do? It sounds so logical to try and explain away the unintentional hurt of our spouse. If only he would listen to me and let me explain what I meant, he would feel better. But our spouse doesn’t feel better after we have tried to explain away the hurt, does he? We do this as well, and we both know it never seems to make things better.

A Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage Disclaimer

Posted on October 4, 2010 by in Marriage

Our newest book is “A Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage: how the power of one changes everything!” This book is the culmination of working many years with couples in conflict through our Marriage Restoration Intensive program. It is the most powerful thing a person can do to positively impact/influence their marriage. We want to be perfectly clear on the intended audience for this book. A Simple Solution to a Happy Marriage is for the normal marriage struggling with common issues that prevent the kind of intimacy most couples desire. Our book is not intended for anyone struggling in an abusive marriage. If your marriage has any of the following issues, then you are possibly in an abusive marriage:

  • Any kind of physical abuse like hitting or shoving.
  • Any kind of verbal abuse like character assassinations, threats of violence or other physical harm. It is important to understand that simply yelling at each other is not necessarily verbal abuse, but when the language becomes threatening and violent, then you are experiencing verbal abuse.
  • Someone in a marriage with a spouse who is dealing with a serious personality disorder as diagnosed by a Psychiatrist, medical doctor, or psychologist.
  • Any kind of criminal activity.
  • Any kind of drug/alcohol addiction.
  • Any kind of serial infidelity, where your spouse is committing multiple affairs.
  • Any kind of money laundering, draining of bank accounts without your permission, or hiding massive credit card debt from you.

The reason we wanted to list some of these major issues out at the beginning of our book is because personal responsibility will look very different to someone struggling with the above mentioned problems. We would never advocate for someone to remain in a marriage where abuse is taking place in any of its forms. Safety is always your main concern when dealing with the issues mentioned in this disclaimer.

This book is for the vast majority of marriages that do not involve abuse or other complex and dangerous problems. These issues absolutely need the intervention of a police officer or professionally trained counselor.

I Wish My Daddy Was A Dog

Posted on September 30, 2010 by in Parenting

“Daddy, would you please play like you’re a little doggie?” These were the words that greeted me (Greg) when I would return home from work. Instead of wanting me to play with her toys or read a book, my oldest daughter, Taylor, when she was two, wanted me to get down on all fours and bark like a dog. At first, I thought this request was cute. But having a doctorate in psychology, my concern slowly began to surface. Was this K-9 fixation normal? Should I consult a child therapist or perhaps, a veterinarian?

I thought about this for several weeks, and even asked other fathers if their children wanted them to be dogs. To my surprise, several dads relayed similar experiences. The situation continued to puzzle me until I picked Taylor up from daycare one day. It was there, that I discovered why Taylor wished I were a dog.

Walking into the daycare, I heard several children laughing uncontrollably in the next room. The laughter was intoxicating, and I found myself smiling at the anticipation of learning what was so funny. Entering the playroom, I quickly understood the reason for their laughter. A small puppy was chasing Taylor until she fell to the ground. Once on her back, the puppy began licking until her face dripped with puppy saliva.

I enjoyed watching my daughter have so much fun. However, I also felt a strange sense of jealousy. Seeing the excitement in her eyes, I began to wonder if I made Taylor that happy when we played together. Suddenly, I found myself watching the puppy. What was the dog doing that Taylor enjoyed so much?

Like a ton of bricks hitting me on the head, I instantly understood a very important parenting principle. As they played, the puppy was completely focused on my daughter. The puppy wasn’t thinking about other dogs or attacking the neighbors cat. In other words, the puppy had only one concern: Playing with Taylor. No wonder Taylor wished her daddy was a dog. She wanted my undivided attention. Taylor needed to look into my eyes and find me totally focused on her. Instead of playing in-between TV commercials, work, or household tasks, Taylor wanted to feel like the most important thing at that moment.

STRENGTHENING RELATIONSHIPS BY HAVING FUN

The stress in our lives from, work, household tasks, children and the demands of society, can feel overwhelming at times. As we struggle to keep our sanity in the midst of our busy lifestyles, it’s necessary to develop ways of coping with stress. One of the best methods for managing stress is through play.

In her excellent book, Traits of a Healthy Family, Dolores Curran makes this observation about healthy families, “The primary hallmark of a [strong] family seems to be its absence of guilt at times of play. Individuals and the family collectively give themselves permission to sit back, relax, dream, and enjoy. Further, they schedule play times onto the calendar; they don’t wait for free time…” (p. 143).

Playing with our children can be difficult because we all have more to do than can be done in one day. However, we need to develop the ability to divorce ourselves from work and other responsibilities in order to have the possibility for enjoyment. Therefore, healthy family relationships can be built when its members keep their work and play in perspective – when they feel no remorse by relaxing and having fun.

PROTECTING FUN TIMES

Not only do our families need fun time protected from thoughts of other things; more importantly, however, they need protection from conflict as well. The relaxed fun that strengthens the bonds between family members can be weakened or destroyed when conflict enters into the play. Therefore, make it a rule to keep play time – fun time. Set aside another time to deal with problems.

A great way to strengthen the relationships within your family is to provide times of fun and play. I encourage you to make fun play a regular habit – protected from outside distractions and conflict. In closing, I recently found an touching poem from Elrod Leany as he became aware that he was too busy and tired to be approached by this son.

As parents, God has given us the most precious gift – our children. More important than any accomplishment, our children are our greatest legacy. Let’s make sure we provide wonderful memories of the fun times we shared together. Or sadly, our children might wish someday, that their daddy had been a dog.

Becoming a great date

Posted on September 30, 2010 by in Great Date Ideas, Marriage

(This post is by Erin Smalley)

“Enjoy life with the woman [or man] whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which [God] has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life…” (Ecclesiastes 9:9). This encouragement was written around the year 935 B.C. Even thousands of years ago, King Solomon realized the importance of spending time enjoying your spouse. Current research supports this same mandate. Marital research experts Dr. Scott Stanley and Dr. Howard Markman conducted a survey to discover what creates a “strong” relationship. To their surprise, the amount of fun couples had together emerged as the strongest factor in understanding overall marital happiness.

If experiencing fun together as a couple is so important, what do you need to do in order to maximize your fun time? As Ive worked with couples through our seminars and counseling, one thing that weve consistently noticed is that the couples who learned how to out serve one another and learned how to protect their fun times seemed to enjoy each other more than other couples.

“BUT GREATEST AMONG YOU SHALL BE YOUR SERVANT.” (MATTHEW 23:11)

A few years ago, I discovered the tremendous value servanthood. While my husband, Greg, and I were shopping, Greg asked me if there was anything that he could do for me. “Yes,” I begged, “Can I please shop alone, without Taylor (our then eighteen month old daughter) hanging on me?”

After several last minute instructions, Taylor and Greg set off in search of a massive bookstore hed seen earlier. Once inside, Taylor and Greg discovered the biggest children’s section theyd ever seen. There were mountains of books, and an enormous stage where the kids could play. It was the “Disneyland” of children’s bookstores. Instantly, Taylor situated herself in the middle of the stage and began reading a book.

As Taylor and Greg interacted, he felt as if they were being watched. That’s when Greg discovered he was the only father present. Surveying the room, he noticed several mothers smiling at him. A few moms even commented about what a precious daughter he had. “This servant thing,” Greg thought to himself, “I’m on to something!” Im sure hed thought differently had I been with him!

Unfortunately, Gregs celebrity status was short-lived. Because instantly those mothers who’d been smiling, now seemed disgusted with him. Trying to determine why the quick change, Greg noticed that Taylor was now playing with finger paint. “Brown finger paint?” he wondered. “Where did she get that?” Then it dawned on my husband. That wasn’t paint!

Earlier that day, Taylor had developed a rash on her bottom. Consequently, the combination of her rash and a messy diaper, resulted in very itchy toddler. As a result of her scratching, Taylor “painted” some of the stage and several books with the contents of her diaper. To make matters worse, as they were trying to leave, Greg ended up having to purchase several more books than he had intended too buy.

The most interesting part of the experience, however, was when Greg told me about our daughter’s artistic expression. Instead of lecturing him about messy diapers or leaving Taylor unattended, I simply thanked him for letting me shop alone. I even apologized for the humiliation he must have felt. Greg was rightthis servant thinghe was definitely on to something!

Its amazing what can happen when you serve your mate: When you do something for your mate it motivates him to return the kindness. My positive response was my way of serving Greg in return. When you serve your mate, it’s essentially another way to communicate honor. Honor is defined as making the decision to attach “high value” to someoneto treat him as a priceless treasure in our lives. Honor [or service] is the single most important principle I know of for building healthy relationships. It’s important for a husband and wife to begin applying it toward each other. The results of allowing ‘honor’ to reign can be dramatic and life-changing.

As we serve our spouses, we make them feel as if they’re the most important thing to us. This is the essence of the second greatest commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:38). Serving our mate needs to be a decision that we make every day. I encourage you to wake up each morning and think of several ways to honor your mate by serving him unconditionally. Imagine how different marriages could be if couples tried to out serve one another each day. Furthermore, since each person interprets “service” differently, I encourage you to discover your mate’s unique definition. Asking questions like, “How could I make you feel like a priceless treasure today?” or “How can I help out around the house?” should help you decide how to best serve your spouse.

PROTECTING FUN ACTIVITIES FROM CONFLICT

Not only is serving your mate important, but its imperative that you learn how to protect fun times from conflict. When conflict or sensitive issues invade our recreation, it’s like throwing a red shirt into the washer with our white clothes. Even though it’s only one small shirt, it can destroy an entire load of laundry by turning it pink. Likewise, even though you may be discussing only one tiny issue, if allowed to enter into your relaxation, the entire experience can be damaged.

Conflict can be destructive to your recreation because it intensifies emotions. As this happens, it becomes difficult to relax and enjoy each other. If this pattern occurs too often, your mate may lose the desire to do fun things because the experience ends up turning “pink.”

Before your enjoyment is destroyed, I encourage you to interrupt arguments or sensitive discussions by agreeing to talk about the issue at a different time. In other words, reschedule the conversation when you can provide the necessary attention it deserves. By not allowing conflict to harm you recreation you are sending a very important message. The statement you’re conveying is that protecting your relationship is more important than impulsively arguing about a problem.

In order to become a great date and build a strong relationshipAs King Solomon mandatedwe must be able to enjoy life with the ones we love by protecting our fun times and making service a daily occurrence.

What’s the real problem in your relationship? DNA Series Part 5

Posted on September 30, 2010 by in Marriage

The Dance That Destroys Relationships

Understanding and avoiding the relationship dance creates the biggest and fastest change in couples who visit our center. They leave holding hands because they finally get the dance.
Between sessions at a marriage seminar in the Midwest, a clearly distressed couple, Dan and Celeste, approached my son Michael.8 He had just finished a segment on how couples should always try to find a win-win solution to their conflicts so that neither partner feels like a loser (see more about this in chapter 8).

They hadnt realized it yet, but they were doing the dance.

We just dont see how we can possibly find a win-win to our problem, the exasperated woman said.

Really? Michael answered.

Its impossible, Celeste insisted. My husband has been out of work for six months, and our conflict is about where we should live.

Dan cut in and quickly explained that he had been applying for work everywhere but had found nothing. Recently an employer about three states away had offered him a job. But my wife is not agreeing to the move, he said, irritation in his voice. She wont let us go. She just wont do it. Both partners seemed very tired, a little angry, and extremely frustrated.
So what do you think your problem is? Michael asked.

The problem is that my wife wants to stay here, in the town where weve lived for the last ten years, and I want to move so I can work and provide again for my family.
Okay, Michael said, so the conflict is about whether you stay or go?

Yes, basically, Dan agreed.

Michael shook his head. And then, to the great surprise of both husband and wife, he declared, Thats not actually your problem. And with that, he started teaching them about the dance that was destroying their relationship.

Whats the Problem?

What Michael was saying to Dan and Celeste is that their surface problem is not the real problem. He was touching on a DNA truth: The visible problem is rarely the problem. In other words, what appears to be the problem is often not the problem.

The surface problem is rarely the problem.

As we move into this chapter, think about the trouble spots in your own relationships. What do you think the problem is in each of them? Try to name it. Now keep an open mind as you think about the DNA truththat the conflict you’ve named may not be the core problem.

So what was Dan and Celestes problem? In order to help them find out what it was, Michael kept asking them one basic question: So what? This was not a flippant question that dismissed their problem as if it were nothing important. It was a serious question: Why, in your mind, is that a problem?

He started by asking Celeste, So what if you move to this new state? Why is that a problem?

Well, I wouldnt be around my family and my friends, she answered.

So? my son replied, trying to help the woman understand the deeper issue. Why is that a problem for you?
Because theyre an important support group for me, she said.

Okay, Michael replied, but you have a husband who will support you. And youll find other people. Why is it a problem that you would have to leave this particular support group?

After a few minutes of gentle probing, this visibly distressed woman finally came out with it: I just dont feel like Im No. 1 in my husbands life.

Ah, Michael declared. I think were finding out what the real problem is.

At last she found the words to articulate the real problem, and it wasnt the move. I feel unimportant, as if Im not a priority, she said to her husband, so it scares me to move. Im afraid Ill end up alone. Then she started crying.

As the husband silently took in all of this, Michael stopped and turned to him. For the next few minutes, the two men went down a similar line of questioning. At the end, the man also started crying. Honey, he said to his wife, I dont feel like a man. Im afraid that if we stay in your hometown, I will feel continue to feel powerless. I feel that your family controls everything about our lives.

Do you see it? The problem was not the move. The problem was that Celeste felt unimportant and that Dan did not feel as if he had control over his life.
And notice something else very important about their problem. At the heart of the matter, they both felt afraid.

What about you? Ask yourself the So what? question. Ask it several times. Where does it lead you? Where it leads you may be at the heart of your relationship problems?