This is my last installment of a five part series on resolving conflict with your spouse (or anyone for that matter). So far you’ve learned how Chic-fil-a can help you turn any argument in to an opportunity to grow closer together. You’ve learned how to listen in a way that makes your spouse melt when trying to share feelings. And you’ve learned how to share your own feelings so your spouse can understand and validate you when things have gone awry.

The final piece of the puzzle in resolving conflict is learning how to reach a win/win solution after you understand each other’s feelings and needs surrounding an argument. Notice how I used the term “win/win”. I do not use this term lightly because when it comes to resolving conflict in a manner that draws you closer together, a win/win option is the only option. There is no such thing as a win/loss scenario in a healthy, satisfied marriage. If one of you feels like a solution is a loss, then both of you lose.

Several years ago my wife and I were transitioning from a job at a church. We were leaving the church and there is never an easy way to leave. We got in a huge conflict, and by huge I do not mean bad or ugly. I just mean that we were at complete opposite ends of how to leave the church on our last Sunday.

Amy felt we needed to disclose more details on why we were leaving and I felt like we couldn’t disclose enough information to give a full understanding. I felt like our inability to share the whole story would leave people with too many questions and then their imaginations would start formulating their own ideas. This is never good in a church environment.

On our way to our marriage class for our last Sunday, Amy and I reached a stand-still on what to do. She had very legitimate reasons for what she wanted to do and I had very legitimate reasons for what I wanted to do. This was a classic stand-off, so how do you reach a win/win solution when the two of you are on opposite ends? Easy.

Here are three suggestions on how to find win/win solutions when the solutions do not readily make themselves obvious:

1. Ask a trusted friend to act as a mediator
2. Go to a pastor or Christian marriage counselor
3. Be a servant

1. Ask a trusted friend to act as a mediator
If you have discussed an issue and both of you feel like you understand each other, but you still can not come to a win/win solution – call a friend. Do not be ashamed to ask a friend to step in and offer help in finding a win/win solution. If both of you trust this person, then allow him/her to listen to both sides and then offer a third alternative or even choose either of your ideas. Couples get stuck, this is not bad or abnormal, the problem occurs when couples refuse to seek outside help. Some conflicts do not merit professional help, so ask a friend to get involved and trust the friend to make a good decision that will benefit your marriage.

2. Go to a pastor or Christian marriage counselor
If the conflict you are experiencing is serious, like dealing with an affair, then seek out help from a pastor or Christian marriage counselor. When you get stuck and can’t seem to find the light of day in your conflict, get help. There are people in your community that have spent years (my wife and I have been helping couples for 15 years) helping couples resolve conflict. Use them as a resource to keep your marriage strong. Do not allow conflict to erode your marriage simply because you are not willing to humble yourself and ask for help.

3. Be a servant
The nuclear option is to always choose to be a servant. This does not mean you act like a doormat. But sometimes the most logical and helpful solution is deciding to serve your mate’s needs and to lay down your life for your mate. Being Christlike is a win for anyone! Step up to the plate of servanthood and boldly announce that you want to hit a home run of serving your mate. That is the kind of person people want to be married to.

How did my wife and I solve our dispute? We took option number one and asked our dear friend Dr. Peter Bigler (our family doctor) to provide a verdict on who’s idea was best. Of course we both trust Peter, but I knew that Peter would see the genius of my solution. So of course he decided that Amy was correct. Dang! But I agreed that I would take Peter’s influence because I trusted that Peter wanted what was best for both of us. He and Amy were right. The best course of action was her plan, I just needed a little help in seeing it.

Do you ever imagine how your spouse might react to a situation, and then get upset even though your spouse is still technically innocent because she hasn’t done what you’ve cooked up in your head that she might do? Two nights ago this very thing happened to me in one of the grossest and most embarrassing things I’ve done in a long time! And that is saying a lot!

It was about 11:00 p.m. at night and I was getting the house ready for bed. My final act was to walk to the front door and make sure it was locked. My wife is notoriously poor at making sure the doors are locked at night, so I casually walked down our foyer toward the front door to check it. This should be a fairly normal thing, walking, that is. But I was barefoot and traveling along our wood floors which are more like an ice rink, especially if any kind of liquid has found its way on to them.

Unwittingly, I walked straight toward a puddle of liquid that was in the middle of the wood floor. I was oblivious of what was about to happen. As my left foot stepped in to the middle of the puddle it lost all traction and literally flew ahead of my unsuspecting body! I went flying in to the air! No part of my body was touching the ground and I had no idea what had happened. I knew I’d slipped, but I had no idea what I’d slipped on.

I landed so hard on my rear end that I lost my breath as I slid along the floor wiping up the puddle with my bum. At first I can remember thinking that one of my kids must have stood at the base of our stairs and dripped this puddle in to existence from coming in from the pool. But then I realized that my kids hadn’t swam that evening. As I was laying on the ground, writhing in pain, a thought suddenly started to crystilize in my head. If my kids haven’t swam, then what the heck did I slip on? Oh No!

I rolled over, my neck and back already stiffening from the fall, and smelled what was left of the puddle. Yep! It was urine! One of my dogs had left a puddle of pee and the underwear I had on was soaked to the skin with it! What does all this have to do with conflict resolution? I’m not sure, and I’m about to make a major stretch to try and connect the two.

When I told my wife what had happened and how I’d just wiped out on the floor and soaked up a puddle of dog pee with my underwear…she laughed. To be fair, if she had come in to our bedroom at around 11 p.m. and told me the same thing, I would have laughed as well! But it is no where near as funny when you are the one being laughed at. The bottom line, I did not feel understood at that moment.

What can we do to feel understood and validated, especially when our feelings get hurt? Check out these four easy steps to being heard and validated and try them the next time you want to be understood:

1. Share feelings first
2. Share needs secondly
3. Do not blame, criticize or shame when you share your feelings and needs
4. Only use “I” statements one sentence at a time

I owe these rules to my training in PREP.  So I never want to forget how much Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley influenced me in my ability to share my feelings and needs in a way that can be heard and validated.

1. Share feelings first
If you really want to be heard, understood, and validated then you can not enter a conversation with guns blazing. It does you no good to have a stinky attitude and to “bite” in to your mate with bitterness and anger. I’ve posted extensively on feeling words (just enter the search term above of “hot buttons”). If you want to be heard, then use words like, “I’m feeling rejected” or “I felt ignored the other day”. If your spouse is normally dysfunctional, then I can promise you that he/she does not want you feeling these things. Normal people want to feel happy and loved and want to love and make other people happy as well. Starting off with how you feel is always the best bet to setting up your spouse to receive your hurt and to validate it.

2. Share needs secondly
Come with your needs after your feelings have been validated. Your needs must be simple and doable. Nothing crazy or impossible should ever be shared as a need. Telling your spouse, “I have a need for you to never hurt my feelings again”, would be a ridiculous request. Telling your spouse, “I need us to stop yelling at each other in front of the kids”, is a much better need. If your spouse responds negatively to your need, then share your need with someone you trust. If they have the same reaction, then I’d suggest that you come up with a different need. As Hillary Clinton once said, “It takes a village…” (sorry for the Hillary reference).

3. Do not blame, criticize, or shame when you share your feelings and needs
Doesn’t this one just make sense to you? Has anyone in your life ever truly responded well to being criticized or blamed? If you live on this planet, your answer is a resounding no! So keep the judgmental attitude at bay when you are wanting to be heard and validated. There is no room in conversation for blaming, criticizing, or shaming. It just does not work.

4. Only use “I” statements one sentence at a time
This last step is incredibly important. Never, ever, ever use the word “you” when trying to be understood and validated! This will help eliminate defensiveness and it will force you to really think about how you word your feelings and needs. Take a look at a poor way to word your feelings or needs, “You always make me feel rejected.” Notice how this kind of statement will create defensiveness, and I’d guess that some of you reading this post felt defensive. Say it out loud and see how it sounds, not very good – huh. Now try this same statement just worded differently, “The other night when I was left alone, I felt rejected.” This has a completely different tone and attitude.

The last part of #4 is to only use one sentence at a time. You are not allowed to go in to great detail when you are trying to be understood. Just keep it simple and use once sentence at a time to describe a feeling or a need. What is so cool about this is that you are only going to have 2 or 3 feelings and needs per conflict. So you can get all you need to be understood and validated in only a few short sentences! This dramatically shortens the length of your conflict, which is a good thing!

There you go. You now know what it takes to share your feelings and needs in a way that can be heard and validated. Isn’t this what you really want when your feelings get hurt? Try these out the next time you want to share something with your spouse and let me know how it goes.

You’ve learned in parts 1 and 2 of my conflict resolution series why it is important to have a structure on communicating when your buttons get pushed.  You’ve learned how to take a time-out when you initially get upset and how this simple act can keep your relationship healthy and fun.  Now we are going to learn how to be a really good listener.  This is the employee part of our communication system and is probably the most important role when it comes to effective communication when feelings get hurt (or your buttons get pushed).

Listening well is not a natural gift and actually has very little to do with your ear drum. Being a great listener, and thus a great employee, is more about seeking understanding and validating the customer’s feelings and needs (don’t worry, I’ll go over in details on the next post on how to be a great customer). Listening involves your ears, your posture, your head, and your heart. If all these elements are not working together, then you are not going to be a good listener and LUV Talk will be useless.

Being a great listener is critical, when it comes to resolving conflict well, because it allows you to actually understand what the conflict is about. When you learn to be a great listener you are setting up your marriage to succeed.  Listening is at the core of loving your spouse well.  When your spouse feels listened to, the doorway to intimacy will fly open!  Everyone loves to be heard and validated.  When your souse feels heard and validated, no matter what has happened in the past, he/she will melt at your ability to listen.  I’ve watched couples in my Marriage Restoration Intensive program embrace for the first time in years after they’ve validated and listened to each other.

So here are my five ways to becoming a great listener (Get these down and watch what happens in your marriage!):

1. Listen
2. Understand
3. Ask clarifying questions
4. Validate
5. Repeat back the order

1. Listen

How do you listen?  Listening involves not just your ears but your body language as well.  You want your entire focus to be toward your spouse when you are trying to listen as an employee.  Turn off the television, radio, or shut down your computer.  Turn your head and your body toward your spouse and make sure your eyes are focused on your spouse and not looking around.  Nothing is more discouraging than a spouse who can’t seem to keep his (or her) eyes on the prize (which is your spouse by the way).

2. Understand

How do you seek understanding? Simply ask an open ended question if you feel confused by your spouse’s feelings or needs.  No big deal.  Do not panic.  Just calmly and nicely ask your spouse to explain further so you can fully understand.  It might sound something like this, “Honey, I want to understand how this bothered you, but for some reason I am not getting it.  Can you help me understand what exactly happened that caused these feelings?”

3. Ask clarifying questions

Clarifying questions are absolute gold when it comes to validating your spouse! A clarifying questions delves deeper in to the feelings and needs of your spouse.  A clarifying question would sound like the following, “Okay, I think I hear you saying that you would like to spend more time with me on a regular basis.  Is that correct? (pause for answer) Now, can you help me understand what spending more time together would look like to you?”  Wow! If you want your spouse to really feel listened to and loved, then ask clarifying questions!  You ask these kinds of questions when your spouse shares a feeling or need that is too general.  Things like “I need to feel more loved” or “I want to go out more”.  If your spouse says something that is not specific, then ask for more specifics.  Just watch what happens!  You will see an attitude change right before your eyes.

4. Validate

I’ve posted a few things on validation here, here, and here. The easiest way to validate someone is by following these five rules for effective listening. Validation says you are right. Your feelings and needs are correct and okay in my eyes. There is no condemnation, criticizing, or judging in validation. Feelings and needs simple are…there is no right or wrong feeling and need.

5. Repeat back the order

This might be the easiest of all the five ways to becoming a great listener! All you have to do with this is repeat back what your spouse is saying. It is parrot talk at its best. When your spouse says, “I felt rejected when I was left alone at the party.” All you do is repeat back by saying, “It sounds like you felt rejected when I left you alone at the party all night.” You don’t have to use the exact same words, but they’d better be close enough to ensure order accuracy.

If you take these five things and apply them to your communication (with anyone), you will experience deeper and more connected relationships. Everyone wants to be listened to, so become a great listener!

If you want to check out the entire series on conflict resolution, just click.

In Part 1 of this 5 part series on conflict resolution you learned how Chic-fil-a can help you resolve your toughest conflicts. Do not forget this lesson because it will guide your interaction with each other as we continue to learn how to effectively resolve conflict.

Part 2 is all about walking away or taking a time-out when your buttons get pushed. What are your buttons? Just click on the word buttons to download a PDF of the most common buttons pushed in an argument. Our research has shown that most women report feeling disconnected or rejected as their most common button pushed in an argument. Men reported their biggest buttons as feeling controlled or like a failure when in an argument. Buttons are important to understand because they are the foundation of why you get upset.

We do not get upset because the trash wasn’t taken out. We get upset because when the trash was not taken out our button of being ignored or invalidated got pushed. The first rule in healthy conflict resolution is to not talk or engage when your buttons first get pushed. Can you tell when your buttons get pushed and you are feeling negative or threatened? If so, then use those negative feelings (i.e. hurt, discouraged, controlled, failure, rejected, ignored, etc.) as a reminder to call a time-out.

Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley discovered, in their groundbreaking 25-year longitudinal study, that couples really only divorce for 4 reasons:

1. Someone escalates when conflict occurs
2. Someone avoids when conflict occurs
3. Someone belittles or dishonors when conflict occurs
4. Someone develops negative beliefs as a result of conflict

(You can get a far more in-depth teaching on these things with our audio series “Embrace – seven powerful discoveries to strengthen any marriage”)

Always remember that conflict is not the problem in unhealthy marriages, those four reasons mentioned above are the problem. How you respond to your buttons getting pushed is the problem. If you respond with any of those four things, then you are headed for divorce. If you respond with a time-out, then you are at least giving your marriage a chance to be happy and satisfied.

Amy and I learned this lesson all too well on our honeymoon. I am the son of a world famous marriage and family expert (Dr. Gary Smalley) who has literally sold millions of books and videos on how to get along. So if anyone should have been ready for a healthy and vibrant marriage, it should have been me. At least that was what everyone was telling me, and I totally bought in to the idea. I bought in to the idea so well that Amy and I did not get premarital education before our wedding! We were young and cocky and our lack of education nearly cost us our marriage and it destroyed our honeymoon.

Embrace goes in to our story in a really crazy way, but I will at least mention here in the post that we ended our honeymoon early because of too much conflict. My feelings got hurt. Amy’s feelings got hurt. We did not know what to do about our constant fighting.

I need to pause here for a moment, because truthfully, Amy did try to tell me we should wait to discuss our conflict until we got home from the honeymoon, but I would not listen. I didn’t know any better. I wanted so desperately to resolve my hurt feelings, I was willing to destroy our honeymoon. You can not resolve hurt feelings (or buttons getting pushed) when on vacation or when you first get upset. We all need a time-out in order to cool down and to be able and think rationally about the situation.

The first major rule of a time-out is to call one when you are upset. Simply say, “I’m upset and I need a break before I can talk about this. Can we talk in an hour?” Now I know what you are thinking, “Isn’t a time-out just a way to avoid?” No. Avoidance is when you simply walk away from the discussion never to talk about it again. A time-out is different because you have to set a time-in. It is not a time-out unless you have a time-in. So before you walk away from each other, you’d better know the exact time you are going to walk back to each other.

Amy came up with a great little system that explains exactly what should happen during your time-out:

1. The first thing you do is let your spouse know that you need a time-out.
   (You might say something like, “I need a break.” “I’m about to say something I don’t mean.” “I don’t feel like this is going to a good place.”)
2. Now you negotiate a time to come back together and LUV Talk.
   (“I think I can talk in about 2 hours, is this okay with you?” “Can we talk about this in an hour?”)
3. The point is to negotiate a time that is agreeable to both of you.
4. Take the break and leave each other alone.
   (During the break, make sure you are thinking about y our part in the conflict. This is not a time to become more upset about your spouse. Try and think about how you could have handled the situation differently. For example things like your approach, tone of voice, nonverbals, defensiveness, or blaming.)
5. Before you come back together, ask yourself if you are ready to hear your spouse’s side of the conflict. If you are not, then reschedule another meeting time.
6. If you are ready to listen, then you can officially begin LUV Talk.
   (You will know you are ready when you are willing to listen and validate your spouse.)

This is how you take an effective time-out.  There is only one more thing I want to tell you before I’m done with part 2.  Never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever get in to conflict during fun time.  Date nights, vacations, family gatherings, school functions, etc. should all be sacred time and free from conflict.  I know you will do things from time to time during fun activities that will bother each other – call a time-out.  Do not try and resolve conflict during fun time.  Just call a time-out and say to each other, “I’m hurt right now, but we are out on a date, so let’s talk about this when we get home.”

Don’t give me any excuses about this final point.  We are not victims of our emotions.  We can tell ourselves to have fun even when things do not go our way.  The reason this last point is so important is because of the research of Dr. John Gottman.  He found a 5 to 1 positive to negative experience ratio with couples who are happily married.  If you protect fun time, then you can go for this 5 to 1 positive experience to every negative experience with each other.  If you reach this ratio, you will be happily married – which last I checked – was the goal of getting married in the first place.

If you want to check out the entire series on conflict resolution, just click.

What do Chic-fil-a and conflict resolution have in common? Everything! The method I’m going to teach you in this five-part series on conflict resolution is called LUV Talk. L-isten, U-nderstand, and V-alidate. The core principles in our communication method can be discovered at any drive-through at Chic-fil-a.

Chic-fil-a has spent millions of dollars to ensure they have happy, repeating customers. What they discovered (and basically any company who is customer oriented) is that people want their orders understood, correct, and they want to be validated if something goes wrong. If you have ever gone through the process at the drive-through window at Chic-fil-a, then you have successfully gone through the exact same process I am wanting you to replicate at home when conflict erupts in your relationship.

Think about this for a second. What happens when you first pull up to the drive-through at Chic-fil-a? A soothing voice (albeit somewhat crackly) comes through the speaker and says, “It’s a great day at Chic-fil-a, how may I serve you.” What a great way to be greeted. It’s friendly, helpful, and service oriented. What’s the next thing that happens? You give the voice in a box your order. And after your order is given, the employee repeats your order back to make sure he has order accuracy.

Just out of curiosity, do you ever give more input than simply your order? I mean, do you ever start telling the employee what you ordered last week at McDonalds? Do you go in to a 30-minute monologue describing your first experiences at Chic-fil-a as a child and the first car you owned when you made your first order alone? Probably not, which is a good thing. Not only would all that information be irrelevant, you’d probably never get the meal you ordered because there was too much discussion about the past and irrelevant information.

Or, have you ever been shamed or invalidated by a Chic-fil-a employee after giving your order? For example, have you ever ordered a Chic-fil-a sandwich, large fries, a cookies and creme milk shake, and a diet coke and then had the employee not give you the order because he felt like you were too fat to eat that meal? Could you imagine the hurt and embarrassment if an employee behaved in such a manner? It would be obnoxious and you would probably never eat there again.

But for some reason we feel like it is totally appropriate and helpful to bring up the past and other issues when we get in to conflict with our spouse (or anyone else). The reason LUV Talk is so powerful in helping you resolve conflict is that it forces you in to a system of communication that fosters understanding and validation. Couples can not resolve issues because, most of the time, they have no idea what they are actually arguing about.

The reason I’m giving you this word picture is because you need to replicate the experience you have at a Chic-fil-a drive-through in your home when conflict erupts. There are two roles you play when using LUV Talk to resolve your conflict. The first role is that of the employee. The second role is that of the customer. I will address these two roles in parts 3 and 4 of this series on conflict resolution.

The take-away from this post is recognizing the importance of the drive-through experience at Chic-fil-a when it comes to resolving conflict. You want to replicate that experience verbatim in your house. Stay tuned to the 2nd post on conflict resolution coming on Thursday. You will learn the first rule of LUV Talk, the taking of a time-out when you get hurt, offended, or just plain ticked-off.

This one rule would have literally saved my honeymoon, but alas, we did not understand the ways of the healthy communicator during our honeymoon. Unfortunately it lead to our honeymoon being a disaster and my wife and I actually cut the trip short because we were in so much conflict! This single rule of LUV Talk would have saved our honeymoon and our memories!

If you want to check out the entire series on conflict resolution, just click.

You want to know how to resolve conflict with your mate, so I am going to teach you in a five part series on conflict resolution! But I wanted to start with an introduction post, to make sure you have a healthy understanding of conflict resolution and why conflict occurs in marriage. I’ve been helping couples for almost 15 years, and if I’ve learned anything in all this time, it’s that couples fight. They fight a lot.

There is nothing abnormal or unhealthy about getting in to conflict with your spouse. Conflict is the natural progression of an intimate relationship. Conflict is actually very healthy and an important part of a balanced marriage (or breakfast). Conflict is natural. Conflict is inevitable. Conflict adds depth to your relationship because you are sharing differences of opinions and needs. When you get in to conflict, you are learning about each other and presenting an opportunity to better love each other.

The problem with conflict is that most couples don’t have a clue on how to resolve conflict. They just fight and never make up or draw closer together.

This five part series on how to resolve conflict with your spouse is going to shed some light on how to find a win/win solution in every argument. You don’t have to be miserable and avoid topics because they are “too sensitive”. My five part series will give you the structure and the system to find out why you are in conflict and to gain understanding about each other on a level you may not be used to – a close and connected level.

You will learn how to utilize conflict to help your marriage rather than being victims of conflict tearing your marriage apart. The five part series on resolving conflict will include:

1. Conflict Resolution part 1: Why the drive-through at Chic-fil-A will help you find peace
2. Part 2: The awesome power of a time-out
3. Part 3: Learn how to be a great employee for your spouse
4. Part 4: Learn how to be a great customer for your spouse
5. Part 5: Finding win/win solutions is as easy as 1-2-3

Get ready to resolve some of those conflicts you’ve kept on the shelf because you couldn’t seem to ever find a solution. Marriage can be your most precious and connected relationship here on earth, don’t allow conflict to keep you from true happiness with each other. Use conflict as a means to gain better insight of each other’s needs and as an opportunity to grow closer together.

If you want to check out the entire series on conflict resolution, just click.