Norma: We’ve found that sometimes conflicts come to a head quickly, and sometimes they build up over a long period. In our case, one issue de- veloped over 30 years before it was resolved. The problem was that Gary started snoring, and it got worse as time went on. At first it was only irritating, even a little amusing. But as Gary’s volume increased, my patience decreased! After a while, I realized he might actually have a serious medical problem known as sleep apnea. He would literally stop breathing for a few seconds as he slept, then begin again with a start, waking up a little in the process. As a result, neither one of us was getting much quality sleep.

Gary: Like a typical man, however, I didn’t think the problem was all that serious. And I certainly was in no hurry to go to a doctor! I had to acknowl- edge, however, that neither of us was sleeping very well. But what finally drove me to seek medical help was when Norma said she would need to move into a separate bedroom if I didn’t get help! She had reached the point where she thought that was the only way she could get a little rest at night. I went to a sleep clinic, where they determined that I do, indeed, have sleep apnea. And they prescribed a breathing machine that forces air into my mouth and lungs while I sleep. It was incredible! The difference between “before” and “after” was like the difference between night and day. I soon found I had far more energy, a better ability to concentrate, and much less irritability than before.

Norma: Our experience with Gary’s sleep apnea has taught us a couple of things about marital conflict. First, if there’s frequently or sometimes even constantly a level of friction or tension between you and your spouse, it may have a physical cause. So before you draw negative conclusions about each other’s character or cooperativeness, look into that possibility. Solving your conflict could take a whole different direction from what you now think is need- ed if there is, in fact, a physical problem. (Conditions like sleep apnea, hormonal imbalances, and high blood pressure are more widespread than most people realize.) Second, when there is a conflict, we have to focus on the problem and look for solutions to it rather than focusing on the other person. Before Gary finally went and got treatment for his sleep apnea, I’ll admit there were times when I got upset with him for not taking appropriate action and so forcing me to live with his continued snoring. But most of the time, I was able to keep things in a more healthy perspective. His apnea was the problem, not Gary himself. If I had let myself get mad at Gary about it too often, we might have ended up sleeping in different houses.

Gary: That brings up another point that can’t be made too often: If a husband and wife are going to keep happily together for a lifetime, they simply must learn to give, ask for, and receive forgiveness. We will hurt each other from time to time, sometimes on purpose and sometimes without knowing it. If those injuries aren’t forgiven, the spirit of the person who was hurt will close, making real intimacy next to impossible. Because of living with me, Norma has had to become an expert at offering forgiveness!

Norma: Gary knows I’ve needed to be forgiven my share of the time, too. But I absolutely agree that a willingness to forgive and to seek forgiveness when needed is one of the most crucial foundation stones in any marriage.

2. Quickly acknowledged the problem soon after the mistake and try to resolve it. Don’t hope the problem will just go away. (Prov. 27:23)

3. Encourage your mate to explain and respond. Use active listening. Repeat to the other person what you heard them say. Get their agreement about what you heard them say before responding (vice-versa). Learn to listen! (Prov. 14:33; 24:3-4)

4. Discuss only one thing at a time and stay in the present. Don’t dredge up past hurts or problems, whether real or perceived. Avoiding score keeping. “You are late for dinner. I feel angry. I wanted everything to be warm and tasty.” Rather than “You are late for dinner as usual. I remember when “, etc. (Prov. 19:10; 103:12)

5. Don’t argue about details, e.g. “You were 20 min. late,” “No, I was only 13 min. late.”

6. Avoid power statements and actions. For example: “I quit!” “You’re killing me.”, etc. (Prov. 17:27; 26:21; 28:16,25; II Tim. 2:7)

7. Avoid judgment words like “you statements”. Stay with self-responsible “I” messages. (Matt. 7:1)

8. Be honest in your statements and questions. Honesty needs to be accurate, rather than agreement or perfection. (Eph. 4:15; Prov. 12:19)

9. Don’t confront when you’re angry or stressed out (cool your jets). Learn to identify your body’s own natural signs when you’re getting angry, stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down.

10. Never walk out without agreeing to take a break. It is okay to temporally stop when a solution is unclear. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off. (Eph. 4:26; Prov. 11:14)

11. Don’t use the silent treatment. Nothing gets solved this way. (Prov. 3:27; 16:13,21,24)

12. Never threaten to withdraw love. (Prov. 28:25; 29:23)

13. Control your hands and tongue. Never use sarcasm or physical violence. (Prov. 15:4; 12:18; 29:2-3; 16:13)

14. Don’t use “hysterical” statements or exaggerations at the time of conflict. (Prov. 29:11; 16:21,24)

15. Select an appropriate time and place. Don’t make a scene. Never deliberately embarrass each other or others by arguing in public. Keep your arguments in private. Perhaps even away from siblings if necessary.(Prov. 15:23; Prov. 25:11)

16. Don’t drag in outsiders unless each member agrees that this person can help find a solution or help referee. The person needs to be someone who can maintain unbiased opinion and someone who everyone respects and feels safe with. (Prov. 1:5; 12:15; 19:20; 20:18; 27:9)

17. Surround criticism with encouragement (praise bombardment). Focus on your desired expectations or positive changes rather than on faults. (Prov. 15:1; Prov. 15:13)

18. Speak directly and personally to your mate. Avoid lecturing and stay with concrete specific behavioral detail(s). (Prov. 18:23)

19. Put yourself in your mate’s shoes.

20. Don’t compare your mate to others. Be aware of each others differences and accept them (lion, otter, beaver, and golden retriever). (Prov. 22:6)

21. Give value and consideration to the interests, goals, and desires of each person. (Prov. 29:7)

22. When you’re wrong admit it. Accept any blame for the past (Was the rule clearly defined? Was it written down? Was there miscommunication?, etc.). Identify your own contribution to the problem. (Prov. 28:13; 29:23)

23. Resolve your conflicts with “Win-Win” solutions. Both agree with the solution or outcome of the argument.

24. Forgive your mate and do not hold resentment. End a fight with an act of love. (Col. 3:12-13; I Peter 3:8-9)

25. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words or actions during a conflict. (Romans 12:10; 2:3)

26. Make conflict resolution a regular habit. (Prov. 13:24)

Their faces were filled with anguish as they approached us after one of our sessions at a marriage seminar. They wanted to smile, but years of unhappiness and regret had taken its toll on them. We saw their desperation, but we couldn�t have been more surprised by what the husband said first.

�Can you fix this marriage in 30 second or less?�

Wow. We would like to fancy ourselves as talented marriage consultants, but this guy was asking for a miracle; and he was serious. Thirty seconds or less? Are you kidding? But then it hit us, like Mike Tyson hitting Michael Spinks, but it took less than 92 seconds for us to come up with his answer. �You want to fix your marriage in 30 seconds or less? Then start with changing yourself and decide to be a loving, supportive, active, and growing husband.�

Not surprisingly, he didn�t take to our answer. This guy is like a lot of people in our country. America is no longer the land of the free and the home of the brave, but more accurately the land of the irresponsible and home of the no fault lawsuit; the demise of our relationships are the proof.

It�s about time we all start growing up. Being an adult does not mean things become easier, in fact, it really means things become more difficult because, as adults, we are responsible for all of our own actions and feelings. We can no longer be victims, like we were as children, but instead we must start assuming the freedom and power we have in Christ honoring life, which is the simple solution to a happy marriage.

I, Amy, remember a couple I worked with. They were committed Christians. They volunteered in their church. They had small children. Yet something was missing. We went through the intensive. They learned about communication, conflict resolution, boundaries, effective time-outs, validation, love languages, etc. Yet there was something about her that I could tell her spirit wasn’t open to her husband. I cry every time I think of them because they struggled and struggled. She struggled because she didn’t know what was wrong with her- was she depressed? Did she not have enough faith? Was there something wrong with him? The answer didn’t come right away.Slowly the clouds lifted in their lives. Their children have a mom and dad still together. So what made the difference? They both wrestled with their own demons, I mean issues. He took the lead in loving her with so much unconditional love it humbled me. He dug so deep to try to find her he became bloodied and bruised along the way but he found her. He wasn’t a doormat, he drew boundaries when needed but he gently offered her his love over and over again. God did an amazing thing in their lives. Slowly she began to open up. He first contacted me, almost holding his breath not wanting to move in fear she might run away again, and he shared he could see she was trying. This is an exert from an email I got from him, “Vulnerability and honesty have freed her from her cage that had grown so dark and so deep. Amy, I could have never imagined the beauty of the woman that had become locked in that box- beauty you could see. I often wish that you were right around the corner so that you could step into our family for a moment and see how God has used you. You battled like a warrior against satan�s dark grip and as a result, I pray, your effort will continue to ripple into many other lives. I am still truly amazed in God�s grace; He spared our family from destruction. He restored freedom and love.” Are you willing to fight the good fight? God is willing to look you squarely in the eye and give you the wisdom you seek to draw you into intimacy. Are you willing? It’s simple but it takes time and energy.

One of our favorite first lines when working with a client in an intensive setting is, �What brings you in today.� We�re not the first people to ask this question, but it does have special meaning for us. �What brings you in today� is at the heart of many people�s issues. How people typically respond to this question will tell us a lot of how successful they will be in getting helped. If they start listing a long line of issues about their spouse as the reason they are coming to one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives, then we know we are in a battle. The problem with your marriage, however, is not your long list of issues or complaints about your spouse. Honestly, it is the level at which each of you is willing to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage. Issues are just issues. Many times couples are stressed out in their marriage because neither is willing to do the right thing (unless the other is willing to do it first). Then there are other times when one spouse wants to work on their marriage but the other has checked out long before they reach our door. There is hope for both! Whether you are in marital limbo, crisis, or growth- God has a plan for you. His plan is to release you from captivity (Isaiah 42:7) and free you to live a life worthy of your calling (2 Thessalonians 1:11). When you keep your own personal growth your goal you will not fail. God will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronmy 31:6), even if a spouse does.

What brings you to reading this book today? Are you frustrated? Does your spouse not meet your needs like you want? Do you feel alone, rejected, or disconnected? Has life turned out to be one huge disappointing experience after another? What brings you to reading this book today?

Be careful with your answer. It�s an important question. If you answer, �My spouse� my child� my boss�� Then you�re not ready for the following pages. In fact, they might even upset the very core of your being.

This book is not about what your spouse must do so you can enjoy a satisfied and happy marriage. This book is about learning what YOU can do to help create an environment where a satisfied and happy marriage is possible.

We are not slaves to our circumstances. We have a choice. We do not blow-up at the car in front of us because they cut us off. Every reaction we display is our choice. Let us say this another way, we decide whether or not we are going to be upset, sad, frustrated, mad, or hurt.

We are in control of our own well-being and emotions. People, places, or things do not make us unhappy in life. We choose to feel unhappy as a result of what happens around us. We will address this concept in much more depth later on in chapter seven. But it is important to note here, at the beginning of this book. You can choose how you respond to circumstances.

We know you can not control what happens to you by other people. If you catch your spouse in an affair, your initial reaction will be your gut reaction. Your gut reaction is what�s natural to you. We are not talking about controlling what initially happens to you when faced with hardships or heartache. We are talking about controlling how you move forward and how you respond to tough circumstances.

What a difference it can make when you understand the DNA of relationships, the relationship dances, and the five dance steps. As you join me in this delightful adventure of discovery, you�ll experience God�s love and power in fresh and exciting ways:

You�ll learn about the amazing Power of One. You�ll see how to take personal responsibility for your part in all relationships. You�ll see how to become completely empowered to choose how you feel within all of your relationships. This message has completely changed our family, our staff, and our lives. We just have to send it out to the world, to churches and families and couples and singles, so that others can enjoy the same freedom and enthusiasm that we�re enjoying! Can you just imagine teenagers�or anyone else for that matter�not blaming others for being unhappy? They could learn how to be responsible for their own emotions. That would be a great day.

You�ll learn about Safety, about creating an environment that feels safe, where true intimacy can take root and bloom. You�ll learn how personal differences can enhance your relationship instead of causing problems and how you can adopt an attitude of curiosity that brings excitement to your life. And you�ll discover how to effectively and positively deal with �walls� that your partner may put up. Just imagine friends, couples and kids feeling completely safe to open up and share their deepest thoughts with others who love them.

You�ll learn about Self-care, how God wants you to take care of yourself so that you can become a channel of his love to others. We�ll show you how to make sure that your internal battery is charged, ready to connect for satisfied and fulfilled relationships. Imagine a host of people learning how to take care of themselves in ways that enable them to care for others. Can you see workplaces and churches filled with people who are not expecting others to fill them up, but rather are taking care of themselves during the week and come to work or church to enrich each other?
You�ll learn about Emotional Communication, a powerful communication method with the strength to eliminate the main causes of divorce and the primary causes of separation between friends. You�ll learn how to connect deeply with the heart of another person. We�ll show you how to find the emotional �nugget� that leads to effective and fulfilling communication, enabling you to feel confident that you will be understood. And we�re going to show you how to make communication easier and more efficient than you�ve ever experienced! Imagine feeling that others deeply understand you.

You�ll learn about Teamwork, about adopting a no-losers policy that will help you walk in harmony and complete unity with your spouse, family members, and friends so that you never again have to worry about losing an argument. We�ll show you how to identify the obstacles that make your relationships difficult, as well as how to clear those hurdles out of the way. Imagine families and neighbors and colleagues working through conflict in ways that don�t damage relationships.
Does any of this sound appealing to you? Does it sound like something you would like in your own life?

Well, how could it not?

After seeing the results of the patterns that Greg and Bob�s team had discovered, I started thinking, Wait a minute! If this material has so effectively helped me to handle my conflicts with Norma, maybe it can also help to explain why I lost some key friendships back in the seventies and eighties. I was closer than a brother to several men, and yet we fell out of fellowship and into terrible disharmony.

Dreadful memories flooded my mind, painful memories full of sadness and regret and grief. I thought of two men in particular, once dear and close friends, but from whom I had so totally disconnected that we no longer even spoke with one another. Here I was, a respected marriage and family �expert,� and yet I couldn�t even get along with men whom I once counted my closest friends! The thought deeply embarrassed and troubled me.

As I replayed old mental tapes and pondered what might have happened between us, eventually it dawned on me. I had followed with these friends the same pattern that had caused me so much grief with my wife! I began to see how these men and I had been involved in a destructive dance. As result we simply went our separate ways�angry, hurt, and confused. And so we lost a treasured friendship.

But maybe it didn�t have to be that way! Maybe I could employ the same principles that worked so well with Norma to strengthen my current friendships and rebuild damaged ones!

Once I started down this mental track, a number of other things started becoming clear. I looked back over my life and thought, Oh-oh, wait a minute. I had a major conflict a couple of years ago with a pastor right in my hometown. What happened? It looks as if exactly the same pattern occurred there, too!

As my mind continued to spin, I realized that something eerily similar had been taking place in my relationships with my daughter and two sons. I saw a similar pattern that fueled our worst conflicts. �Wow!� I said to myself, once these ugly patterns started coming clear to me. �I have to learn how to spot these things and put a stop to them before they can cause serious damage. I need to learn more about this relationship dance phenomenon. And I want to learn and master the five dance steps that make it possible for me to build harmonious, satisfying relationships.�

I�ve been learning ever since! And what I�ve been learning and applying in my own life, I want to teach you.

A couple saw the negative affects of manipulation when they were buying life-insurance. Despite a great sales pitch, a salesman was unable to convince the couple to purchase his policy. “I absolutely don’t want to pressure you into a decision,” he proclaimed while walking towards the door. “Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you’ve decided.”

As this couple found out, being manipulated is not a helpful way to make a wise decision. Likewise, when your mate pressures you during an important choice, it can cause major conflict.

The Art of Marital Negotiation

One of the most helpful methods my wife, Erin, and I use as we negotiate major decisions is called a “Pro and Con” list. Erin and I used this while in the middle of an argument concerning my schooling.

During my doctoral studies, I had to take a statistics class. Trouble began when during the first meeting, the professor recited a list of formulas that we should know. My stomach sickened when nothing he said sounded remotely familiar. I rushed home and informed Erin that I was dropping the class! Unfortunately, Erin didn’t agree and a major argument erupted.

The “negotiation” might have lasted longer except our two-year old daughter, Taylor, interceded. “That’s enough guys!” she yelled, and walloped me on the backside with a wooden spoon. The shock of being reprimanded by a two-year old caused us to double over with laughter. Once the tense moment ended, Erin and I were able to use the “pro and con” list to make a wise decision regarding my class.

First, after dividing a piece of paper into a “pro” and “con” side, we started brainstorming why dropping the class would be a poor decision. We repeated the same process for the pro side–listing any reason why dropping the class would be a good choice. It’s important when brainstorming to keep from evaluating the reasons until you’ve recorded every idea.

Our next step was to evaluate each “pro” and “con” and tease out the more relevant or important ones. Finally, when all the important factors were highlighted, we discussed what seemed like the best decision. Although I wasn’t thrilled, the wise choice was to remain in the class.

Regardless of whether I passed or failed the class (Amazingly, I ended up with an “A”), the main issue was that we agreed that our decision was the best choice. If a choice is not obvious or agreed upon, then continue listing additional pros and cons. You might need to take a break or show the list to a neutral third party for advice. Remember King Solomon’s encouragement, “…But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.” (Proverbs 12:15).

Using the pro and con list allowed Erin and I to stay in harmony through a major disagreement. As you and your spouse negotiate important decisions, I encourage you to use a method to help keep the peace.

ANSWER
Can you name the devil�s greatest ploy to cause trouble in relationships? I�d like to suggest two words: power struggle. And why do power struggles cause us such trouble? It�s simple. In every power struggle, participants become adversaries; they take up opposing positions. And as soon as a husband and a wife set themselves up as antagonists, Satan can just fold his arms and walk away, because he knows they will destroy each other. He�s already accomplished his dirty work.

Many couples set themselves up for failure because, from the outset, the individuals face off as adversaries. This can be as subtle as insisting on �making a point.� Even if one member of the pair �wins� the point, it means an automatic loss for the relationship. If one person in the marriage �loses,� then both persons in the marriage lose. There is no other option.

Why is this so? It�s true because people in a marriage are on the same team. If one team member loses, every member of that team loses. If Jimmy and Bobby both play for the Lobos baseball team in a game against the Desperados, it is impossible for Jimmy to win and Bobby to lose. Either both win or both lose.

I encourage you to make a commitment to a new way of doing things and determined to abandon the failed, old model. This begins by establishing what our colleague Bob Paul calls a �No Losers Policy.� In a No Losers Policy, couples agree that it will never be acceptable, from this point on, for either of them to walk away from any interaction, feeling as if they had lost. Each spouse has to feel good about the solution.

Creating a No Losers Policy goes a long way toward creating the kind of relationships that yield joy and satisfaction rather than grief and frustration. It�s worked for my wife, Erin, and I, and it can work equally well for you, regardless of the type of relationship in which you apply it.

So thus begins a four part series on how men can better love their wives. �I want to encourage everyone reading this that the series is not going to be a male bashing experience. �Frankly, I’m tired of men continually getting picked on because we love differently than woman do. �It feels at times that the socially acceptable way to love someone is how a woman loves. �Men want to love and be loved just as much as women, we just tend to do it differently.

But the reality is that men marry women, so we need to learn how to love a woman better. �My dad, brother, and I wrote a book titled “The Men’s Relational Toolbox“. �We addressed this in the book, that men need to add certain skills to their relational toolbox in order to love their wives and daughters better. �This series is teaching four fundamentally important things that men can do to better love their wives!

The first week we learned how to truly “fix it” with our wives by learning how to better listen. �Men often get accused of trying to “fix it” too often by their wives. �The good news is that men care enough about their wives to want to fix it, but the bad news is that most men go about fixing it in an ineffective manner. �Usually the best course of action is to simply shut our mouths and listen.

James 1:19-21 teaches us, �Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human angers does not produce the righteousness God desires.So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.”

Listening is important because it’s important to our wives and it reflects a godly character (because we’re being obedient to James 1:19-21). But listening also helps increase our emotional and physical intimacy with our wife. When our wife feels loved and listened to, she will also feel more excited about the physical part of our relationship. Now let me be very clear, we do not listen because we want more sex, we listen because it’s the right way to love our wives better (more sex is just an awesome natural result of a close relationship).

Often times we read verses like the ones in James, and we thing, “That sounds great, but how do I do that practically?” Here’s the answer: you need to LUV your wife if you are going to be a better listener. LUV stands for Listen, Understand, and Validate. LUV is the main tenant to our communication method we teach couples at our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.

Listening is all about body language, eye contact, and intention…yes…whether or not we really want to listen.

Understanding comes when we ask questions of our wives when we feel confused or need further clarification. You want your wife to melt at your words, then just say something like, “Honey, I hear that you want to spend more time together, could you let me know what spending time together would look like to you?” �Proverbs 15:23; 28 23 �Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time! The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.�

Validating is saying things like, �Yes, I totally hear what you�re saying. Is there anything you need from me?� Validation is the art of allowing your wife the freedom of her own feelings and needs. Proverbs 13:3, “Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.”

This first week is about LUV, which is one of the most powerful ways you can “fix” anything for your wife. �Most wives just want to be heard and validated. �All you’ve been missing is how to accomplish this, and now you have some simply ways to listen effectively so you can have the kind of marriage you dreamt about during your engagement!

If I�m honest I can�t say that every time Michael gave me a gentle answer I turned from my wrath. So does it mean that this scripture doesn�t apply to me or us? I know that�s not the right answer but that�s how I feel. As a Christ follower, I am confronted with my own questioning and doubt in this area of my life. And as we hear from so many of you I hear your frustration of wanting and doing the right thing- like turning away anger with a gentle response. So what gives?

When I don�t know the answers to my questions I go back to a prayer I have prayed since high school. �God give me wisdom and understanding.� Solomon was the wisest and richest man that supposedly ever lived. He seemed like a great person to pattern my life after. He was rich and he made wise choices. Asking for wisdom is like a buy one get three free coupon. I ask for wisdom but what I get has multiple positive outcomes.

Gaining wisdom helps me gain perspective. Do you remember the Matrix movie? Remember Orpheus asking Neal if he wanted to take the red pill or the blue pill? Neal chose to see the alternate dimension that was a reality he wasn�t aware of before. I like to think of wisdom as choosing to see the multiple layers of the human condition that is happening all around. I want to know why so I can understand and possibly react in a way that might help that person make a better choice. Some of you may be married to someone like me who flies off the handle- I�m not physically abusive but my words can pierce like an arrow. I am learning how to deal with my tongue and can see the freedom of taking responsibility for my tone, my harshness, my unrealistic expectations, etc. that drive people away from me.

It is in my nature to want to fight, to pursue, and to finish what I start. I�m not a quitter and in the past I felt like if I stopped an argument I was giving up�so I left my Michael verbally bloodied and bruised. I�m not saying he didn�t throw a few verbal punishes my way, but I was the professional at anger, and still am, unfortunately. So what has made a difference? Michael�s gentle answers, firm boundaries, and the conviction of the Holy Spirit have set me up to succeed. If you know someone who struggles with a temper like me- I want you to feel the freedom to stand up for yourself. If the person you love is a Christ follower then by confronting the person in love you are keeping them from sinning against you.

I suggest you start taking some time to think and pray about what to say. Second, pick the right time and place. And then when you are ready, humbly approach the person by saying something like, �I recognize our relationship has been difficult and there are some things I want to do differently. ___________ Fill in the blank with something personal you want to change that doesn�t blame, shame, or criticize your spouse. �I don�t want to allow things to build up and for me to become more resentful. I want to commit to handling myself better.� Then, and only then, share your need for change in the dynamic of your relationship. You might say something like, �I need us to commit to allowing each other to take a time-out when either one of us feels like the conversation isn�t going well. I will commit to coming back to the topic at a specified time, but I cannot allow us to demean each other like we have in the past. It is not good for you or me to get out of hand like we have.” (The �we� statements will help the other person not feel totally at fault- remember it�s not about assigning blame it�s about setting a boundary)

If your spouse shuts down and seems to punish you when you share hurtful feelings then approaching the situation with prayer, good timing, and vulnerability looks a little different. When I do it right I say things like this to Michael when I know he is shut down, �It seems like you are really upset right now. I want to let you know when you are ready to talk I will be open to hearing your feelings and needs.� Then I walk away and leave the ball in his court. He has tested me for a while but if I don�t act mad or upset he usually opens up and let�s me know what is bothering him. If days were to go by and I could still tell he was shut down then I would call in back up, like our small group or a trusted mentor.

I recently visited with a couple where the man shut down because he felt that by not engaging, he was being loving because he wasn�t adding to the chaos of the argument. If this is the case please try to understand that not engaging might be sending the message of not caring. His intention may very well be to care enough to not allow chaos to rein or to hurt the relationship more than what it was currently experiencing. But it might just send the wrong signal and end up hurting the relationship anyways. I like to call this behavior the �peace at all cost� type.

The war rages underneath the pleasant and many times not so pleasant surface. If you identify with this scenario know those around you feel the tension and the jabs you take at each other. Your kids rarely miss jabs.

So to finish this post, I think the thing that has changed the most in me is my self-justification of my anger. I no longer blame others for my poor response. I recognize the absolute dishonor and sin that it is. There�s something about agreeing with God and allowing Him to use my sin to draw me into a more humble attitude. I no longer want to tolerate my anger as just �how I am.� I am a child of a King, dearly loved, and called by my Father to love others fully and completely. And allowing my defensive, critical, and blaming attitude does not produce the righteous life God desires.

I have been set free to love others- even when I�m cranky- I really do have a choice and the more I recognize it the more freedom I have through Christ to live free from the bondage of my anger or expectations of others. My slavery probably looks different than many of yours but my deliverer doesn�t. I love this verse �It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery Gal. 5:1.

If you really want to learn how to resolve conflict and to improve your marital satisfaction, then check out our Embrace series instant download. �You get our full seminar for couples on audio, powerpoint files, handouts, and a great workbook that you can print out as many times as you want! Click here to purchase today for only $49.95!

Couples can use the language between them to make love or to make war. Sadly, verbal aggression can be a dangerous trigger to destructive exchanges or even physical violence. Effective communication techniques, on the other hand, help couples manage difficulties and anger in a way that is constructive and adds to relationship satisfaction.

When working with couples to develop more effective communication skills we always ask:

Do you speak in a way that makes your partner listen? Do you listen in a way that makes your partner speak?

If when he walks in she says “ You really don’t get it – I do everything in this house and you do nothing!” There is a very good chance that he will walk right past her into another room, flick on the remote and respond with a comparable put-down.

Essentially this couple would have enacted what is labeled by Christensen and Heavey ( 1990) as the “ demand/withdrawal” sequence in which a complaint or demand made by a partner in a negative way predictably triggers the other partner’s withdrawal and defensiveness. His refusal to listen and in most cases his actual withdrawal is likely to escalate her negative feelings and “ keep her speaking” but not in a positive way. Soon he will be telling her “ She never lets up.” The pattern leaves them both feeling victimized and angry. The chances of mutual understanding or positive resolutions are very low.

Effective Couple Communication Techniques

Drawing upon couple communication ideas offered in two of my previous blogs, (Couples Psychological First Aid and Reconsidering the Anger in Your Relationship) we might suggest to her that she communicate her needs at a more appropriate time ( A partner’s first steps into the house are never a good time) and with an “ I message” – “I’m not sure I can manage all the chores.” “I think I need some help.”

via Couple Communication for Anger Management | Healing Together for Couples.

I’ve written about these before, but let me give them to you once more. �Couples divorce when they respond to conflict by:

1. Escalating – yelling, screaming,�basically�getting out of control.
2. Avoiding – running away from conflict.
3. Dishonoring – name-calling and�basic�character assassination.
4. Developing negative beliefs – your spouse can not win, no matter what because you have a belief that is negative and possibly incorrect.

These four are the first four mistakes couples make when they get in to conflict. These are the primary mistakes that lead to divorce, but there are more mistakes couples make that do not lead to happy marriages and these other mistakes are secondary, and can most certainly relate back to the first four.

If you want a happy marriage, which I’m pretty sure each and every person who gets married wants, then you have to learn how to avoid these pitfalls during arguments. Arguments are not bad, it is how we respond to arguments that either makes or breaks our marriage (or any relationship).

The other six mistakes couples make during conflict are:

1. They don’t take a time-out when feelings get hurt or things get heated.
2. They play the blame game.
3. They kitchen-sink every argument ever experienced.
4. They go to a third party to complain.
5. They flip flop who’s at fault.
6. They invalidate each other’s feelings or needs.

1.�They don’t take a time-out when feelings get hurt or things get heated
I just wrote a five part series on conflict resolution. �One of the parts was taking a time-out. �If you do not take a break and relax, your conflict is going to get out of control. Take a step back and breath. Calm down, and then reengage with each other.

2. They play the blame game.
Do you like it when you’re blamed for something? Probably not, so don’t do it to your spouse. Blaming only leads to more misery. The more you take personal responsibility, the better your marriage will get.

3. They kitchen-sink every argument ever experienced.
Does it feel helpful to bring up past arguments when you are arguing in the present? Does it ever go well to remind your spouse of other times they totally messed up? No. So don’t bring in the past, keep focused on the present and resolve one conflict at a time.

4. They go to a third party to complain.
It is okay to have a close friend where you can get validated and loved well. You can even complain from time to time about something that happened between you and your spouse. But do not make this a habit and you must only talk with a close friend of the same sex. It is never okay to complain about your spouse to the opposite sex, that will only lead to more problems and heartache. When you spend your days complaining about how “bad” your spouse is, you set yourself up to develop powerful negative beliefs that are very hard to get rid of.

5. They flip flop who’s at fault.
If your spouse comes to you with something you did to hurt or frustrate her, do not turn the table and point out something that bothers you. There is nothing more frustrating and hurtful than when your spouse turns the table on the conflict. If your spouse approaches you about an issue, take it like a man (or woman) and stick to that issue. No one likes a flip flopper!

6. They invalidate each other’s feelings or needs.
Validation is my wife’s biggest passion for couples. Her quote when she teaches this concept is so powerful, “You are more important to me than proving myself right or proving you wrong.” Just listen and validate. Do not argue with your spouse about facts or try to justify or explain your actions. Keep quiet and simply ask, “What do you need from me right now?” This is a powerful question that can disarm even the angriest person.

These are 10 of the craziest things people will do when they get in to conflict with their spouse. Great marriage do not just happen, they are built through enrichment and education. Either you are working on your marriage and learning how to better love each other, or you are getting worse.

It was about 11:00 p.m. at night and I was getting the house ready for bed. My final act was to walk to the front door and make sure it was locked. My wife is notoriously poor at making sure the doors are locked at night, so I casually walked down our foyer toward the front door to check it. This should be a fairly normal thing, walking, that is. But I was barefoot and traveling along our wood floors which are more like an ice rink, especially if any kind of liquid has found its way on to them.

Unwittingly, I walked straight toward a puddle of liquid that was in the middle of the wood floor. I was oblivious of what was about to happen. As my left foot stepped in to the middle of the puddle it lost all traction and literally flew ahead of my unsuspecting body! I went flying in to the air! No part of my body was touching the ground and I had no idea what had happened. I knew I’d slipped, but I had no idea what I’d slipped on.

I landed so hard on my rear end that I lost my breath as I slid along the floor wiping up the puddle with my bum. At first I can remember thinking that one of my kids must have stood at the base of our stairs and dripped this puddle in to existence from coming in from the pool. But then I realized that my kids hadn’t swam that evening. As I was laying on the ground, writhing in pain, a thought suddenly started to crystilize in my head. If my kids haven’t swam, then what the heck did I slip on? Oh No!

I rolled over, my neck and back already stiffening from the fall, and smelled what was left of the puddle. Yep! It was urine! One of my dogs had left a puddle of pee and the underwear I had on was soaked to the skin with it! What does all this have to do with conflict resolution? I’m not sure, and I’m about to make a major stretch to try and connect the two.

When I told my wife what had happened and how I’d just wiped out on the floor and soaked up a puddle of dog pee with my underwear…she laughed. To be fair, if she had come in to our bedroom at around 11 p.m. and told me the same thing, I would have laughed as well! But it is no where near as funny when you are the one being laughed at. The bottom line, I did not feel understood at that moment.

What can we do to feel understood and validated, especially when our feelings get hurt? Check out these four easy steps to being heard and validated and try them the next time you want to be understood:

1. Share feelings first
2. Share needs secondly
3. Do not blame, criticize or shame when you share your feelings and needs
4. Only use “I” statements one sentence at a time

I owe these rules to my training in PREP.  So I never want to forget how much Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley influenced me in my ability to share my feelings and needs in a way that can be heard and validated.

1. Share feelings first
If you really want to be heard, understood, and validated then you can not enter a conversation with guns blazing. It does you no good to have a stinky attitude and to “bite” in to your mate with bitterness and anger. I’ve posted extensively on feeling words (just enter the search term above of “hot buttons”). If you want to be heard, then use words like, “I’m feeling rejected” or “I felt ignored the other day”. If your spouse is normally dysfunctional, then I can promise you that he/she does not want you feeling these things. Normal people want to feel happy and loved and want to love and make other people happy as well. Starting off with how you feel is always the best bet to setting up your spouse to receive your hurt and to validate it.

2. Share needs secondly
Come with your needs after your feelings have been validated. Your needs must be simple and doable. Nothing crazy or impossible should ever be shared as a need. Telling your spouse, “I have a need for you to never hurt my feelings again”, would be a ridiculous request. Telling your spouse, “I need us to stop yelling at each other in front of the kids”, is a much better need. If your spouse responds negatively to your need, then share your need with someone you trust. If they have the same reaction, then I’d suggest that you come up with a different need. As Hillary Clinton once said, “It takes a village…” (sorry for the Hillary reference).

3. Do not blame, criticize, or shame when you share your feelings and needs
Doesn’t this one just make sense to you? Has anyone in your life ever truly responded well to being criticized or blamed? If you live on this planet, your answer is a resounding no! So keep the judgmental attitude at bay when you are wanting to be heard and validated. There is no room in conversation for blaming, criticizing, or shaming. It just does not work.

4. Only use “I” statements one sentence at a time
This last step is incredibly important. Never, ever, ever use the word “you” when trying to be understood and validated! This will help eliminate defensiveness and it will force you to really think about how you word your feelings and needs. Take a look at a poor way to word your feelings or needs, “You always make me feel rejected.” Notice how this kind of statement will create defensiveness, and I’d guess that some of you reading this post felt defensive. Say it out loud and see how it sounds, not very good – huh. Now try this same statement just worded differently, “The other night when I was left alone, I felt rejected.” This has a completely different tone and attitude.

The last part of #4 is to only use one sentence at a time. You are not allowed to go in to great detail when you are trying to be understood. Just keep it simple and use once sentence at a time to describe a feeling or a need. What is so cool about this is that you are only going to have 2 or 3 feelings and needs per conflict. So you can get all you need to be understood and validated in only a few short sentences! This dramatically shortens the length of your conflict, which is a good thing!

There you go. You now know what it takes to share your feelings and needs in a way that can be heard and validated. Isn’t this what you really want when your feelings get hurt? Try these out the next time you want to share something with your spouse and let me know how it goes.

Listening well is not a natural gift and actually has very little to do with your ear drum. Being a great listener, and thus a great employee, is more about seeking understanding and validating the customer’s feelings and needs (don’t worry, I’ll go over in details on the next post on how to be a great customer). Listening involves your ears, your posture, your head, and your heart. If all these elements are not working together, then you are not going to be a good listener and LUV Talk will be useless.

Being a great listener is critical, when it comes to resolving conflict well, because it allows you to actually understand what the conflict is about. When you learn to be a great listener you are setting up your marriage to succeed.  Listening is at the core of loving your spouse well.  When your spouse feels listened to, the doorway to intimacy will fly open!  Everyone loves to be heard and validated.  When your souse feels heard and validated, no matter what has happened in the past, he/she will melt at your ability to listen.  I’ve watched couples in my Marriage Restoration Intensive program embrace for the first time in years after they’ve validated and listened to each other.

So here are my five ways to becoming a great listener (Get these down and watch what happens in your marriage!):

1. Listen
2. Understand
3. Ask clarifying questions
4. Validate
5. Repeat back the order

1. Listen

How do you listen?  Listening involves not just your ears but your body language as well.  You want your entire focus to be toward your spouse when you are trying to listen as an employee.  Turn off the television, radio, or shut down your computer.  Turn your head and your body toward your spouse and make sure your eyes are focused on your spouse and not looking around.  Nothing is more discouraging than a spouse who can’t seem to keep his (or her) eyes on the prize (which is your spouse by the way).

2. Understand

How do you seek understanding? Simply ask an open ended question if you feel confused by your spouse’s feelings or needs.  No big deal.  Do not panic.  Just calmly and nicely ask your spouse to explain further so you can fully understand.  It might sound something like this, “Honey, I want to understand how this bothered you, but for some reason I am not getting it.  Can you help me understand what exactly happened that caused these feelings?”

3. Ask clarifying questions

Clarifying questions are absolute gold when it comes to validating your spouse! A clarifying questions delves deeper in to the feelings and needs of your spouse.  A clarifying question would sound like the following, “Okay, I think I hear you saying that you would like to spend more time with me on a regular basis.  Is that correct? (pause for answer) Now, can you help me understand what spending more time together would look like to you?”  Wow! If you want your spouse to really feel listened to and loved, then ask clarifying questions!  You ask these kinds of questions when your spouse shares a feeling or need that is too general.  Things like “I need to feel more loved” or “I want to go out more”.  If your spouse says something that is not specific, then ask for more specifics.  Just watch what happens!  You will see an attitude change right before your eyes.

4. Validate

I’ve posted a few things on validation here, here, and here. The easiest way to validate someone is by following these five rules for effective listening. Validation says you are right. Your feelings and needs are correct and okay in my eyes. There is no condemnation, criticizing, or judging in validation. Feelings and needs simple are…there is no right or wrong feeling and need.

5. Repeat back the order

This might be the easiest of all the five ways to becoming a great listener! All you have to do with this is repeat back what your spouse is saying. It is parrot talk at its best. When your spouse says, “I felt rejected when I was left alone at the party.” All you do is repeat back by saying, “It sounds like you felt rejected when I left you alone at the party all night.” You don’t have to use the exact same words, but they’d better be close enough to ensure order accuracy.

If you take these five things and apply them to your communication (with anyone), you will experience deeper and more connected relationships. Everyone wants to be listened to, so become a great listener!

If you want to check out the entire series on conflict resolution, just click.

Part 2 is all about walking away or taking a time-out when your buttons get pushed. What are your buttons? Just click on the word buttons to download a PDF of the most common buttons pushed in an argument. Our research has shown that most women report feeling disconnected or rejected as their most common button pushed in an argument. Men reported their biggest buttons as feeling controlled or like a failure when in an argument. Buttons are important to understand because they are the foundation of why you get upset.

We do not get upset because the trash wasn’t taken out. We get upset because when the trash was not taken out our button of being ignored or invalidated got pushed. The first rule in healthy conflict resolution is to not talk or engage when your buttons first get pushed. Can you tell when your buttons get pushed and you are feeling negative or threatened? If so, then use those negative feelings (i.e. hurt, discouraged, controlled, failure, rejected, ignored, etc.) as a reminder to call a time-out.

Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley discovered, in their groundbreaking 25-year longitudinal study, that couples really only divorce for 4 reasons:

1. Someone escalates when conflict occurs
2. Someone avoids when conflict occurs
3. Someone belittles or dishonors when conflict occurs
4. Someone develops negative beliefs as a result of conflict

(You can get a far more in-depth teaching on these things with our audio series “Embrace – seven powerful discoveries to strengthen any marriage”)

Always remember that conflict is not the problem in unhealthy marriages, those four reasons mentioned above are the problem. How you respond to your buttons getting pushed is the problem. If you respond with any of those four things, then you are headed for divorce. If you respond with a time-out, then you are at least giving your marriage a chance to be happy and satisfied.

Amy and I learned this lesson all too well on our honeymoon. I am the son of a world famous marriage and family expert (Dr. Gary Smalley) who has literally sold millions of books and videos on how to get along. So if anyone should have been ready for a healthy and vibrant marriage, it should have been me. At least that was what everyone was telling me, and I totally bought in to the idea. I bought in to the idea so well that Amy and I did not get premarital education before our wedding! We were young and cocky and our lack of education nearly cost us our marriage and it destroyed our honeymoon.

Embrace goes in to our story in a really crazy way, but I will at least mention here in the post that we ended our honeymoon early because of too much conflict. My feelings got hurt. Amy’s feelings got hurt. We did not know what to do about our constant fighting.

I need to pause here for a moment, because truthfully, Amy did try to tell me we should wait to discuss our conflict until we got home from the honeymoon, but I would not listen. I didn’t know any better. I wanted so desperately to resolve my hurt feelings, I was willing to destroy our honeymoon. You can not resolve hurt feelings (or buttons getting pushed) when on vacation or when you first get upset. We all need a time-out in order to cool down and to be able and think rationally about the situation.

The first major rule of a time-out is to call one when you are upset. Simply say, “I’m upset and I need a break before I can talk about this. Can we talk in an hour?” Now I know what you are thinking, “Isn’t a time-out just a way to avoid?” No. Avoidance is when you simply walk away from the discussion never to talk about it again. A time-out is different because you have to set a time-in. It is not a time-out unless you have a time-in. So before you walk away from each other, you’d better know the exact time you are going to walk back to each other.

Amy came up with a great little system that explains exactly what should happen during your time-out:

1. The first thing you do is let your spouse know that you need a time-out.
   (You might say something like, “I need a break.” “I’m about to say something I don’t mean.” “I don’t feel like this is going to a good place.”)
2. Now you negotiate a time to come back together and LUV Talk.
   (“I think I can talk in about 2 hours, is this okay with you?” “Can we talk about this in an hour?”)
3. The point is to negotiate a time that is agreeable to both of you.
4. Take the break and leave each other alone.
   (During the break, make sure you are thinking about y our part in the conflict. This is not a time to become more upset about your spouse. Try and think about how you could have handled the situation differently. For example things like your approach, tone of voice, nonverbals, defensiveness, or blaming.)
5. Before you come back together, ask yourself if you are ready to hear your spouse’s side of the conflict. If you are not, then reschedule another meeting time.
6. If you are ready to listen, then you can officially begin LUV Talk.
   (You will know you are ready when you are willing to listen and validate your spouse.)

This is how you take an effective time-out.  There is only one more thing I want to tell you before I’m done with part 2.  Never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever get in to conflict during fun time.  Date nights, vacations, family gatherings, school functions, etc. should all be sacred time and free from conflict.  I know you will do things from time to time during fun activities that will bother each other – call a time-out.  Do not try and resolve conflict during fun time.  Just call a time-out and say to each other, “I’m hurt right now, but we are out on a date, so let’s talk about this when we get home.”

Don’t give me any excuses about this final point.  We are not victims of our emotions.  We can tell ourselves to have fun even when things do not go our way.  The reason this last point is so important is because of the research of Dr. John Gottman.  He found a 5 to 1 positive to negative experience ratio with couples who are happily married.  If you protect fun time, then you can go for this 5 to 1 positive experience to every negative experience with each other.  If you reach this ratio, you will be happily married – which last I checked – was the goal of getting married in the first place.

If you want to check out the entire series on conflict resolution, just click.

You want to know how to resolve conflict with your mate, so I am going to teach you in a five part series on conflict resolution! But I wanted to start with an introduction post, to make sure you have a healthy understanding of conflict resolution and why conflict occurs in marriage. I’ve been helping couples for almost 15 years, and if I’ve learned anything in all this time, it’s that couples fight. They fight a lot.

There is nothing abnormal or unhealthy about getting in to conflict with your spouse. Conflict is the natural progression of an intimate relationship. Conflict is actually very healthy and an important part of a balanced marriage (or breakfast). Conflict is natural. Conflict is inevitable. Conflict adds depth to your relationship because you are sharing differences of opinions and needs. When you get in to conflict, you are learning about each other and presenting an opportunity to better love each other.

The problem with conflict is that most couples don’t have a clue on how to resolve conflict. They just fight and never make up or draw closer together.

This five part series on how to resolve conflict with your spouse is going to shed some light on how to find a win/win solution in every argument. You don’t have to be miserable and avoid topics because they are “too sensitive”. My five part series will give you the structure and the system to find out why you are in conflict and to gain understanding about each other on a level you may not be used to – a close and connected level.

You will learn how to utilize conflict to help your marriage rather than being victims of conflict tearing your marriage apart. The five part series on resolving conflict will include:

1. Conflict Resolution part 1: Why the drive-through at Chic-fil-A will help you find peace
2. Part 2: The awesome power of a time-out
3. Part 3: Learn how to be a great employee for your spouse
4. Part 4: Learn how to be a great customer for your spouse
5. Part 5: Finding win/win solutions is as easy as 1-2-3

Get ready to resolve some of those conflicts you’ve kept on the shelf because you couldn’t seem to ever find a solution. Marriage can be your most precious and connected relationship here on earth, don’t allow conflict to keep you from true happiness with each other. Use conflict as a means to gain better insight of each other’s needs and as an opportunity to grow closer together.

If you want to check out the entire series on conflict resolution, just click.

There are five acts of love that will totally rock your marriage!  They might sound kind of cliche at first, but stay with me because if you and your spouse will implement these five things in to your marriage you will never stop thanking me for this post!

You see, when people first get married they simply believe that their love is true and their love will last.  But as many suffer through the effects of divorce, this belief is obviously not enough to keep the marriage healthy and thriving.  No matter how you start off in your marriage, happy, sad, thriving, or stumbling through the gate, every couple has to learn these five acts of love if they are going to remain happy.

ACT ONE – HAVE FUN TOGETHER

I know this first act seems a tad obvious, but ask yourself this (especially if you are stressed out in your marriage), when is the last time you just went out together and had fun? Been a while hasn’t it.  Kids, the economy, the fact that you don’t like each other are all forces working against you simply going out and having fun.  But do not (absolutely refuse) allow these factors to keep you from having fun together!

Pick a night of the week you can designate as fun time for your marriage. Keep this night sacred.  Do not give yourself excuses to miss this night and do not allow yourself to have conflict on this night.  If something happens during the evening and you get your feelings hurt, save the discussion for later when you return home.  If it is still an issue for you, then you can have a calm discussion about the problem, but just not on your date.

ACT TWO – JOIN A SMALL GROUP TOGETHER

One of the best predictors of health for a couple is whether or not they are actively involved in a small group or Sunday school class with other couples.  Whenever I do a Marriage Restoration intensive I make sure and have the couple agree to joining a small group if they are not already involved in one (most of them are not, which is not surprising).

Small groups provide support, encouragement, and accountability.  These are all things that help encourage you to be healthy and out of conflict.

ACT THREE – LEARN TO RESOLVE CONFLICT

Do you know how to resolve conflict? Probably not, and believe me when I write, most people do not know how to resolve conflict when they get married.  Conflict resolution is not a natural skill, in fact, we are more naturally prone to mess up conflict resolution!

We teach a communication skill called LUV Talk, you can learn more about this through our Embrace audio series and the DNA of Relationships DVD series.  If books are more your style, then check out The Marriage You’ve Always Dreamed of and More Than a Match.

ACT FOUR – KEEP FUN TIME SACRED

And no, this act is not the same as act one, but it does compliment act one quite nicely.  Dr. John Gottman says that couples who are happily married have a 5 to 1 positive experience to every negative experience together.  So one of the smartest things you will ever do for your marriage is keep fun time sacred.  What does this mean you ask? It means that you do not argue or mess up fun time if one of your buttons gets pushed.  You simply call a time-out and agree to discuss whatever came up later at home or after the vacation is over.  Do not ruin a perfectly good date night be getting in to conflict. You will start noticing that some of the things you get all worked up over end up not being that big of a deal by the time you get home.

ACT FIVE – GIVE ALLOWANCES FOR EACH OTHER’S FAULTS

Your spouse is not perfect, and the big secret is, neither are you! So relax a little bit when your spouse makes a mistake.  Giving allowances for each other’s faults is like giving your spouse a present they did not ask for, but are blown away by.  The more we can take a deep breath and relax with our spouse, the more we will create an environment our spouse actually enjoys.  The more our spouse enjoys our company, the better our marriage is going to be.

I hope you take each of these five recommendations to heart and implement them in to your marriage.  Great marriages do not just magically happen, they are the result of your own hard work.

Actually, neither.

‘Satisfied Dissatisfaction’ is Key to Marital Growth.