23 Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights.24 A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people.25 Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.26 Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants.

The bible is full of brilliant advice on how to handle your relationships, the difficult part is following through and being obedient to the word!  I am truly convinced, after 15 years of working with couples in conflict, that the best thing you can do when frustrated with your spouse is be patient and loving.  Unless you are being abused emotionally or physically, of course.

How could you live 2 Timothy 2:24 this week with your spouse?  Leave a comment and let us know what you want to do this week to love your spouse like you are challenged in 2 Timothy.

Couples can use the language between them to make love or to make war. Sadly, verbal aggression can be a dangerous trigger to destructive exchanges or even physical violence. Effective communication techniques, on the other hand, help couples manage difficulties and anger in a way that is constructive and adds to relationship satisfaction.

When working with couples to develop more effective communication skills we always ask:

Do you speak in a way that makes your partner listen? Do you listen in a way that makes your partner speak?

If when he walks in she says “ You really don’t get it – I do everything in this house and you do nothing!” There is a very good chance that he will walk right past her into another room, flick on the remote and respond with a comparable put-down.

Essentially this couple would have enacted what is labeled by Christensen and Heavey ( 1990) as the “ demand/withdrawal” sequence in which a complaint or demand made by a partner in a negative way predictably triggers the other partner’s withdrawal and defensiveness. His refusal to listen and in most cases his actual withdrawal is likely to escalate her negative feelings and “ keep her speaking” but not in a positive way. Soon he will be telling her “ She never lets up.” The pattern leaves them both feeling victimized and angry. The chances of mutual understanding or positive resolutions are very low.

Effective Couple Communication Techniques

Drawing upon couple communication ideas offered in two of my previous blogs, (Couples Psychological First Aid and Reconsidering the Anger in Your Relationship) we might suggest to her that she communicate her needs at a more appropriate time ( A partner’s first steps into the house are never a good time) and with an “ I message” – “I’m not sure I can manage all the chores.” “I think I need some help.”

via Couple Communication for Anger Management | Healing Together for Couples.

Maybe you’re a blamer. Frustrated with your job, you struggle through all of your relationships. You blame your problems on trivial things. Blaming others make winning almost impossible because arguments and fighting usually result.

I encourage you to resist making “you” statements such as, “You’re the one who needs to change,” “You should have warned me that our marriage was in trouble,” “You’re not the same woman I married,” and “You weren’t submissive enough,” as reasons for your behavior. These “you” statements are devastating, and they seldom improve your situation.

Using a statement such as, “You were just too sensitive,” stirs up more anger. As this happens, the blaming backfires and exposes your resistance to improve or change.

You are not at the mercy of those who push your buttons. They do not have to control how you react. You do not have to give them the power to determine what you think or what you do. You must take control of yourself and your emotions. You must learn that blaming others for our insecurities and fears is a dead end.

When we stop blaming others for our shortcomings, we diffuse anger and resolve conflicts.

It is next to impossible to have an open heart, receptive to God’s will, if we are in serious conflict with others. God desires a sincere gift, not tarnished with unreconciled differences and past hurts. We are responsible to make sure people we have offended, or been offended by, are freed from the bondage’s of anger, vengeance, or hate.

So is anyone excluded from receiving our forgiveness? According to Matthew 5:44-48, even our enemies are worthy of forgiveness:

“But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

What a verse! Again it touches on the very nature of our incredible God who is merciful and gracious to all. We are called to be perfect, “as your heavenly Father is perfect”. Understanding that we cannot be perfect while existing on this planet, the verse is calling us to strive for Christ’s perfection. Christ’s willingness to love those who were unlovable. To care for those who were prostitutes, thieves, and yes, even tax collectors. To forgive those who most offend us. Why our enemies? God knows how much unresolved anger kills the spirit within, and designs this command to help free us from eternal regret.

No one is to be excluded from our forgiveness. Some of the greatest verses exploring the complexity of forgiveness are Romans 12:14-21. We will quote the passage at length because of their foundational quality regarding forgiveness:

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live I harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary:
‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’”
We are encouraged to bless people who persecute us. To some Christians, and probably many nonChristians, this seems very masochistic. Bless our enemies! Sure, if we were Christ maybe we could pull that off, but we are human. Remember, being human means we are created in God’s image, therefore we have the capacity to pull this off. Trust in God that this humanitarian rule serves to better the human condition rather than defile it. Think of all the hate crimes that never seem to find a resolution. This idea of blessing reminds us of turning the other cheek. Evil begets evil and love begets love.

In the passage we also read, “In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head”. When I first read this passage I imagined that forgiveness and love toward those who hurt us is painful for the perpetrator. My mind wanted to believe that loving and forgiving made evil people suffer. However, this was not Christ’s message. In further study I learned the custom of placing hot coals on someone’s head was actually a kind gesture. A surprise to me! I’m not sure how I would receive someone placing hot coals on my head. But it was a different time.

Placing coals on someone’s head was helpful because it kept the weary traveler warm throughout the cold desert nights. It was a way of honoring someone. This is why we are commanded to forgive. Remember the “Golden Rule”? We need to do for others what we would want done to us. Would we want someone to refuse to forgive us because we sinned against him or her?

I imagine there are people reading this entry who feel a lot like the middle east in their marriage. Thousands of years of fighting, no resolution in sight, cease fires that never last, and hopelessness about the future.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

I’m reading a good book by Joseph Girzone titled, “Joshua in a troubled world”.

Joshua, who is Jesus in our time, has a very creative solution to solving the mid east crisis between Jews and Arabs. You’ll have to read the book to get the whole story. But here’s what is important. You can’t solve any kind of conflict, whether it’s in the Middle East or in your living room by taking opposite sides in the issue.

You have to realize that you’re on the same team or the conflict will never get solved. The second step is that you have to offer forgiveness, without strings attached. Retribution only keeps the cylce of hate moving. Forgiveness stops it dead in its tracks. Nelson Mandela is an excellent real world example of this kind of attitude.

In your marriage you have to take up the business of working as a team and constantly forgiving each other.  There should be no limits to how much you forgive each other in a marriage!  Marriage works for couples who are willing to work together toward the common goal of happiness.  If you do not want to work together then you will not experience the joy you intended when you first got married.

I would need serious medication if I kept treating total strangers like I treat my own family.  We are harder on the people we actually care about, which is why we need to put some structure on what we say and don’t say.

Following is a list of things you should not say in a fight that some of my counselors and retreat attendees at The Smalley Marriage and Family Center came up with:

• Don’t use never or always in statements (this only causes defensiveness and raises the intensity of the conflict)
• Don’t comment on the person’s appearance negatively
• Don’t bring up the past and use it against someone
• Don’t curse at each other
• Don’t mention divorce (I can not stress this one enough; you can never threaten divorce because you can never take that statement back)
• Don’t say “I hate you!”
• Don’t say “You’re just like your mother!” (in other words, try and keep extended family out of the argument)
• Don’t use “You” in blaming, intense sentences
• Don’t make personal attacks like, “You’re so lazy!” “You’re worthless!”
• Don’t turn the table on someone, in other words, you can’t say something like “Well, I’m not the only one who doesn’t clean the house…you…”
• Don’t kitchen sink (which means you can’t bring up everything the person has ever done to you.  Keep it to the here and now.)

Copy and print this list and put it somewhere so you can be reminded of how to keep your conflict as safe as possible.

“Honey (or insert your own pet phrase), what can I do for you right now?”

Now all you have to do is receive what is said without judging or criticizing what your spouse needs, and do it! This one question will help your spouse feel validated, understood, and cared for. But be careful, if you do not follow through with what was shared, you might as well get comfortable on the couch!

In response to a recent post on resolving conflicts in a marriage, many of you shared thoughtful – and sometimes opposing – views on an important question: Is it OK to argue with your spouse in front of the kids? And if so, how?

As my friend’s experience shows, children are kind of like little litmus strips, the canaries in the coal mine of marital stress: they absorb the emotional climate around them. Posting here, another mother was similarly alarmed when her three-year-old son, after seeing her and her husband have a minor disagreement, stomped angrily up to his father and chastised him for “being mean to Mama.”

In thoughtful comments, some of you aired the “little pitchers have big ears” view, that parents should avoid fighting in front of the kids. But other commenters said children “need to see examples of healthy disagreements and resolution,” as one poster wrote. An adult child of divorce added: “My parents almost never fought, and they were suddenly divorced. I personally think it’s good for (children) to see glimpses of your struggles, so they understand that marriage really is for better or for worse.”

via When Is It OK To Fight In Front Of The Kids? – The Juggle – WSJ.

This trip has been awesome because we have kept it relatively conflict free.  It is not that we are avoiding discipline for our kids, because we’ve had to get involved a couple of times.  But for the most part, we have worked hard at creating an environment where our family is relaxed.

No conflict = fun time! Keep this in mind the next time you take a trip with your family.

If your spouse gets upset because of something you did (or sometimes something you did not do) then all you have to do to legitemately calms things down, and literally suck the negative energy out of the conflict, is to validate.  What does it mean to validate?  My wife Amy has one of the greatest quotes on validation I’ve ever heard, “I love you more than proving myself right or proving you wrong.”  I have to give her the credit for that one!

Validation has nothing to do with facts, who’s right and who’s wrong, but rather validation is all about the feelings.  Feelings are never right or wrong, they just are.  If you have ever had your feelings hurt or experienced a negative emotion with someone, what do you want?  Ultimately you want to be validate that you are hurting and from that point on it can vary widely on  what needs to happen to ultimately repair the damage.  But the first thing people want is to simply be heard and validated for their experience.

If you want to instantly stop a fight and destroy the negative emotions, all you have to do is validate your spouse.  Let him know you understand and can see how you hurt him.  Let her know that what she is feeling is real.  If you go to facts (instead of validation) the argument will get worse and more ugly.  If you go toward validation, things will calm down immediately and you two will be able to have a rational discussion about whatever the conflict was about.

If you want to have a great Valentine’s Day, then please (I beg you) listen to the only advice you need to hear.  Keep your Valentine’s Day sacred.  What does this mean?  It means that when you wake up tomorrow morning together, all you need to say to each other is, “Happy Valentine’s Day honey, so let’s make this day awesome by not arguing or getting in to conflict.”

You can work with the wording to make it your own, but the principle needs to stay the same.  The greatest gift you can give each other on Valentine’s Day is the gift of grace and patience.  Do not allow yourselves to get into any kind of conflict.  Just call a time-out and tell each other that you will resolve whatever happened the next day, but for V-D day, you will simply choose to have fun.

Do not ruin Valentine’s Day by arguing and getting in to a fight! Just say no to conflict and choose to smile and give allowances for each other’s faults.

A Florida couple is behind bars after their infant was slashed with a knife during an argument.

Sarasota police arrested Stacie Carr and her boyfriend William Geeslin after Carr allegedly lunged at Geeslin with a butcher knife and accidentally striking the baby instead.

kare11.com | Twin Cities, MN | FL mom slashes infant while lunging at boyfriend with knife

1. Clearly define the problem.  Clarify what the actual conflict is first.  Then, see if there is any other reason this conflict is here:  tired, low sugar level, etc. (Prov. 13:10; 18:13; 22:3)
2. Quickly acknowledged the problem soon after the mistake and try to resolve it.  Don’t hope the problem will just go away. (Prov. 27:23)
3. Encourage the child to explain and respond.  Use active listening (parrot talking).  Repeat to the other person what you heard them say.  Get their agreement about what you heard them say before responding (vice-versa).  Learn to listen! (Prov. 14:33; 24:3-4)
4. Discuss only one thing at a time and stay in the present.  Don’t dredge up past hurts or problems, whether real or perceived.  Avoiding score keeping.  “You are late for dinner.  I feel angry.  I wanted everything to be warm and tasty.”  Rather than “You are late for dinner as usual.  I remember when…”, etc. (Prov. 19:10; 103:12)
5. Don’t argue about details, e.g. “You were 20 min. late,” “No, I was only 13 min. late.”
6. Avoid power statements and actions.  For example:  “I quit!” “You’re killing me.”, etc. (Prov. 17:27; 26:21; 28:16,25; II Tim. 2:7)
7. Avoid judgment.  Stay with self-responsible “I” messages. (Matt. 7:1)
8. Be honest in your statements and questions.  Honesty needs to be accurate, rather than agreement or perfection. (Eph. 4:15; Prov. 12:19)
9. Don’t confront when you’re angry or stressed out (cool your jets).  Learn to identify your body’s own natural signs when you’re getting angry, stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down.  Then help your children to identify their own bodily signs.(Prov. 10:12; 14:17,29; 15:18; 16:32; 19:19; 22:24; 29:11,22; 30:33; Eph. 6:4)
10. Never walk out without agreeing to take a break.  It is okay to temporally stop when a solution is unclear. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off. (Eph. 4:26; Prov. 11:14)
11. Don’t use the silent treatment.  Nothing gets solved this way. (Prov. 3:27; 16:13,21,24)
12. Never threaten to withdraw love. (Prov. 28:25; 29:23)
13. Control your hands and tongue.  Never use sarcasm or physical violence.  (Prov. 15:4; 12:18; 29:2-3; 16:13)
14. Don’t use “hysterical” statements or exaggerations at the time of conflict. (Prov. 29:11; 16:21,24)
15. Select an appropriate time and place.  Don’t make a scene.  Never deliberately embarrass each other or others       by arguing in public.  Keep your arguments in private.  Perhaps even away from siblings if necessary.(Prov. 15:23; Prov. 25:11)
16. Don’t drag in outsiders unless each member agrees that this person can help find a solution or help referee.  The person needs to be someone who can maintain unbiased opinion and someone who everyone respects and feels safe with. (Prov. 1:5; 12:15; 19:20; 20:18; 27:9)
17. Surround criticism with encouragement (praise bombardment).  Focus on your desired expectations or positive changes rather than on faults. (Prov. 15:1; Prov. 15:13)
18. Speak directly and personally to your child.  Avoid lecturing and stay with concrete specific behavioral detail(s).  (Prov. 18:23)
19. Initiate some type of loving behavior toward the child during the conflict (i.e., holding hands, have the child sit in your lap, take a walk, etc.) (I John 4:18)
20. Put yourself in your child’s shoes.
21. Don’t compare one child to another.  Be aware of each others differences and accept them (lion, otter, beaver, and golden retriever). (Prov. 22:6)
22. Give value and consideration to the interests, goals, and desires of each person. (Prov. 29:7)
23. When you’re wrong admit it.  Accept any blame for the past (Was the rule clearly defined?  Was it written  down?  Was there miscommunication?, etc.).  Identify your own contribution to the problem. (Prov. 28:13; 29:23)
24. Assign responsibility for the future.  Make sure it is written down so the child knows exactly what is expected of him/her.  Then hold the child accountable. (Prov. 22:15; 23:13; 29:15, 17; Heb. 12:9; Prov. 15:31; 1:8; 3:11; 13:1; 13:24; Eph. 6:4)
25. Resolve your conflicts with “Win-Win” solutions.  Both agree with the solution or outcome of the argument.
26. Forgive your child and do not hold resentment.  End a fight with an act of love. (Col. 3:12-13; I Peter 3:8-9)
27. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words or actions during a conflict. (Romans 12:10; 2:3)
28. Make conflict resolution a regular habit. (Prov. 13:24)

The reason I am posting these images is two fold: 1. They are hilarious, and frightening! 2. They remind me, believe it or not, of a marriage principle.

How could these photos possibly remind me of a marriage principle? The point of the photos in the email I received from a friend was to show that the last picture is always the worst. In marriage, this can be equally true when you do not know how to communicate effectively.

Usually the last word ends up being the last.

Here are some great resources we have to help you learn how to better communicate:

• Embrace: 7 powerful discoveries to help any marriage! This series has an excellent session on LUV Talk, which is our communication method for when you are in conflict.
• Reconstructing Love: 4 essentials for lasting love. This DVD series comes with a free workbook and has two really great sessions on how to handle anger and to communicate more effectively with each other.

When families manage their conflicts poorly, more trouble follows. Maybe your teen loses respect for your advice and becomes constantly critical of your words and actions. Maybe your daughter develops an argumentative attitude all the time—and not just with you. Or maybe your son, in anger and hurt, intentionally seeks out friends who are the opposite of the ones you’d choose for him. Maybe her language becomes increasingly disrespectful or foul. Maybe his facial expressions begin to reflect constant anger or even violence. Sometimes your kids will purposely avoid you, or at least turn their backs on you. Other times, they withhold affection, along with any expression of caring feelings. Sometimes teens begin to “medicate” their emotional pain with sex, alcohol, or drugs.

Unless you’re a superhuman parent, it’s likely that some of these downsides of conflict have crept into your conflict style. But conflict can bring opportunities for improving your relationship with your teen, you can begin immediately to handle conflicts in a more productive way. In the next chapter we’ll look at some tangible ways you can do just that.

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

Recommended Resources: Parenting Bookpack, The DNA of Parent/Teen Relationship

Conflict is not a surprising topic when we mention the words parents and teenagers in the same sentence. Our (Mike) household did not miss any of the top conflicts we will discuss further along in this chapter. I remember a specific argument I used to have with my mother on a weekly basis. I was the fun-loving, active teenager who struggled with the idea of cleanliness. But I especially struggled with cleaning the day the cleaning person would come to detail our house. I never grasped the concept of why I had to clean the house before the cleaning person arrived. This made no logical sense to a teenager. In fact, I still struggle with the same issue with my wife! Although, that is another book. In this case, week after week my mother and I would do battle over me cleaning the day of the house-cleaner. You see in my mind, somewhat typical of most teenagers, I did not think she was the cleaning lady. To me, she was the JUDGE. She was the lady who went from house to house awarding families with the “Cleanest House Award”. I wanted to know where our ribbon was!

We all recognize that parents and teenagers are going to have conflicts, even the so called “experts”. At this point, we understand why parents and teenagers experience conflict, and we know the specific conflicts teenagers rated in our research. We want to make one important point before we unveil the top conflicts as rated by parents.

First, and this is so important in regards to the initial steps to learning how to cope and resolve conflicts with our teenagers, conflict is normal. Mr. and Mrs. K. arrived early for their appointment. I noticed their uneasy faces as I passed them in the hall of my counseling clinic. Along side Mr. and Mrs. K was their daughter, seething about having to spend her Friday night in my office. Teenagers are rarely excited to work on family issues. I invited the K family into my office and like the beginning of a highly energized fighting bout, they each chose separate corners of my office. The parents in the red corner, and the unruly teen in the blue corner.

Like families before them, the K family looked nervous and even slightly embarrassed about being in counseling. After listening to the initial background of their presenting problem the mother asked a very common question. “Is this normal?” If I had a dollar for every time I heard that question in my office.

“Is this normal?” The million dollar question individuals and families alike ask when first entering counseling. The majority of people I see in counseling situations often feel that they are the only ones struggling with a particular issue. It is reassuring when I offer them the statement back, “You’re not the first ones to struggle with this”. You can see the relief on their faces, and I know what they are thinking because I’ve thought it myself, “Whew! I’m not different”.

We are not alone in our struggles with teenagers. Many families experience some or all of the top conflicts we will examine in this book. So do not be embarrassed, and do not be afraid. Because, like the many families who struggled before you, and made it to the other side, you can do the same.

The Top Ten Conflicts of Parents with Teenagers

We surveyed over 7,000 parents asking them the same question, “What are your biggest conflicts with your teenager?” Instead of the “experts” telling you what problems you encounter with your teen, we thought it might be nice to ask parents. We knew parents were struggling in the relationship with their teens, but in what specific ways. This book’s premise is to provide explicit help in dealing with concrete questions and concrete answers. It is not a book offering the reader a parenting theory in which to model their disciplining and child rearing strategies after. Theory is a wonderful tool in developing new and advanced thought, but sometimes theory is not easily understood or implemented; especially in the realm of child-rearing. This is why we are looking at the top ten specific conflicts parents rated as the most troublesome. We hope to offer easily understood parenting techniques to resolve the top conflicts. However, we do not want to limit the techniques discussed in this book to the top ten conflicts. The specific parenting methods will be able to work in many of the problems faced in raising a responsible teenager beyond the items in our list.

THE TOP TEN CONFLICTS

TV/Video games
Talking/Communicating with your teen
Chores
Cleaning
Taking care of family property
Setting limits, enforcing rules, being too lenient
Spending time with family
Siblings
The way your teenager speaks to you
Teenager not telling you how he “feels” or “thinks”

You are not alone with the difficulties you might be facing at this very moment with your teenager. Interestingly, the list does not contain major conflicts like teen pregnancy, alcohol, or drug abuse. The list contains common, everyday struggles of living in a family. It shows families striving toward intimacy, acceptance, understanding, and validation. It is within these conflicts that the game of parenting is won. Not the spectacular, but the common is where great parenting lurks for any unsuspecting teenager. In fact, it is when parents lose sight of the ordinary, everyday conflicts, that families suffer the toughest consequences of parent and teenager friction.

Tears flowed down the cheek of the seventeen year-old girl sitting across from me in my office. Broken and ashamed of her life at just seventeen, she shared openly of her troubles. The drugs, the sex, the alcohol were all part of her weekly routine. She had lost the innocence of childhood because of poor choices and even poorer parenting. I will never forget what she told me one day near the end of her session.

“If they just cared about the little things”, she said looking away to avoid eye contact with me. “The little things”. What a powerful statement. We both realized through the course of therapy that her pain did not start at the point it was now. It started because, she and her parents, allowed her to get away with the little things. Her parents had allowed the normal, more easily handled conflicts, to slip through their fingers into bigger, more painful issues.

This is why the common, top ten conflicts, is so important when it comes to parenting. We are writing this book because our prayer is that parents and teenagers can solve the less serious issues before they turn into life altering events.

With that in mind, what can we accomplish with the knowledge of the list? Working with families for a living has allowed us to see that some parents feel their child is different, or even more misbehaving. The list shows that parents all over the country are facing many of the same concerns and difficulties with their teenagers. Let the knowledge of the list free you from undue embarrassment, loneliness, and frustration.

Also, let the list open up opportunities to talk with other parents in your community. Too often our Western culture values individualism and privacy over community and support. Remember, some of the best advice out for parents is from parents. Especially parents who have traveled down the road of raising adolescents and survived! Look for peers in your neighborhoods, schools, and churches to seek guidance and encouragement.

Remember when Moses was leading the Israelites in battle and every time he let his arms down they would start losing. Moses learned a valuable lesson that day. He learned that we can not always do things on our own. Sometimes we need a friend to help us along the way. The Israelites might have lost the battle if it were not for Moses’ willingness to accept help from others. Parenting is not the time for pride. Pride will only eat away at the core of security so important to the family unit. We all need to be enthusiastic about seeking wisdom from others. Like Proverbs says, “Only the wise seek counsel”. There is great truth found within that verse. Because when we are willing to seek counsel, we are willing to listen and to allow God to work miracles through his greatest creation, US! And unquestionably, you do not want to miss out on the opportunity of learning from mature adults who have the time and desire to help young families avoid and recover from the inevitable hardships of parenting. Grandparents are sometimes accused of offering unwarranted advice when it comes to raising children. “I wouldn’t have done it that way”, or “You’ll regret that move”. Maybe if we asked for advice more often, they wouldn’t be accused of tampering so much.

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

For more information on this topic, you can read “The Key to Your Child’s Heart .”