After seeing the results of the patterns that Greg and Bob’s team had discovered, I started thinking, Wait a minute! If this material has so effectively helped me to handle my conflicts with Norma, maybe it can also help to explain why I lost some key friendships back in the seventies and eighties. I was closer than a brother to several men, and yet we fell out of fellowship and into terrible disharmony.

Dreadful memories flooded my mind, painful memories full of sadness and regret and grief. I thought of two men in particular, once dear and close friends, but from whom I had so totally disconnected that we no longer even spoke with one another. Here I was, a respected marriage and family “expert,” and yet I couldn’t even get along with men whom I once counted my closest friends! The thought deeply embarrassed and troubled me.

As I replayed old mental tapes and pondered what might have happened between us, eventually it dawned on me. I had followed with these friends the same pattern that had caused me so much grief with my wife! I began to see how these men and I had been involved in a destructive dance. As result we simply went our separate ways—angry, hurt, and confused. And so we lost a treasured friendship.

But maybe it didn’t have to be that way! Maybe I could employ the same principles that worked so well with Norma to strengthen my current friendships and rebuild damaged ones!

Once I started down this mental track, a number of other things started becoming clear. I looked back over my life and thought, Oh-oh, wait a minute. I had a major conflict a couple of years ago with a pastor right in my hometown. What happened? It looks as if exactly the same pattern occurred there, too!

As my mind continued to spin, I realized that something eerily similar had been taking place in my relationships with my daughter and two sons. I saw a similar pattern that fueled our worst conflicts. “Wow!” I said to myself, once these ugly patterns started coming clear to me. “I have to learn how to spot these things and put a stop to them before they can cause serious damage. I need to learn more about this relationship dance phenomenon. And I want to learn and master the five dance steps that make it possible for me to build harmonious, satisfying relationships.”

I’ve been learning ever since! And what I’ve been learning and applying in my own life, I want to teach you.

Here, a couple simply tries to avoid each other and when they do speak, it is usually shallow conversation or exchanging clichés. They say things like:

“How you doing?”
“I’m fine.”
“Please pass the salt.”

At this level, there is little discussion about life or each other.

The Second Level

Here, the couple is sharing basic facts about themselves or life in general. At this point, there is little risk in starting an argument. They say things like:

“It was sure hot today, wasn’t it?”
“Can you believe what the President did today!”

A couple tends to avoid “facts” that could lead to conflict.

The Third Level

Here, the couple is at a greater risk in starting an argument. At this level, they can share their opinions, concerns or expectations.

“You never listen to me.”
“You’re wrong and you know it.”
“If I had known how stubborn you are, we wouldn’t be married.”

It’s at this point that an argument can ensue. If the couple has not learned how to handle arguments at this level, they are at risk for becoming infected with one or all of the four relational “germs.”

The Fourth Level

The fourth level is achieved when a couple feels safe to share their deepest feelings and they treat each other’s feelings as very valuable. When one mate asks the other about his or her concerns, opinions, or an expectation, the one sharing is open, honest and responsible for his or her own feelings. They say things like:

“Tell me if this is right, you feel afraid for our daughter because she is getting her driver’s license.”
“It’s not that you mind me watching TV, it’s that you feel cheated that we don’t spend more time together.”
“I could be way off, but I feel sad when my parents don’t come by and see us like they used to.”

There is an atmosphere of honor, that is, the listener is trying to understand and validate what is being communicated. When we share our feelings, it is a person’s attempt to express his or her deepest needs. Conflicts usually reveal that a person’s feelings and needs are not being understood, validated or fulfilled.

The Fifth Level

Level five is different than previous levels because this is where a person feels safe to share his or her own deepest needs. Safety is of the utmost importance. Also, when a mate shares his or her deepest relational needs, there is a feeling that those needs will be understood and valued. They usually say things like:

“See if this is right. You need some alone time at night after work and it’s not that you don’t want time with me, it’s that you need to recoup?”
“Are you saying you need more tenderness when we talk? Describe tenderness. What does it look like to you?”
“Wait a minute, I don’t understand. Am I getting this right, you’re saying that we need to be saving more each month? What does that mean to you?”

Since feelings reflect whether a person’s needs are being met, a couple can honor each other as they move through the fourth level (feelings) into the fifth level (needs). For example, if a person has a need to be treated with tenderness, one might see expressions of frustration or hurt on the face of the offended person. Honor, at the fifth level of intimacy, would involve asking the offended person to share what is needed. If an environment of safety was established, he or she could express the need for more tenderness. The feelings of hurt, frustration or fear are reflections of a person’s deeper need for tenderness.

In conflicts or arguments, a couple can either move toward deeper intimacy or move toward the four relational “Germs.”

Adam and Eve were caught in sin. They had just eaten from the forbidden tree. When God entered the garden, neither of them would take personal responsibility. Adam shifted the blame to Eve and God by saying, “This woman you gave me.” Eve shifted the blame to Satan. This is where the “blame game” got started.

When we stop blaming others for our shortcomings, we diffuse anger and resolve conflicts.

We encourage you to resist making “you” statements such as, “You’re the one who needs to change,” “You should have warned me that our marriage was in trouble,” “You’re not the same man I married,” and “You weren’t submissive enough,” as reasons for your behavior. These “you” statements are deadly to a relationship, and they seldom improve your situation. Avoid using these types of blaming statements. I have found that you can not change another person, it’s impossible. You can only change yourself with the power of God living within you. You might be able to influence a change in someone else, but your focus should be on the areas of your own life that need improvement. You influence people to change the most by first letting them see a change in you.

Using a statement such as, “You were just too sensitive,” stirs up more anger. As this happens, the blaming backfires and exposes your resistance to improve or change. When you experience the urge to blame, remember King Solomon’s wise words: “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered” (Proverbs 17:27).

When conflict raises its ugly head in your relationships, where do you place blame? Your spouse? Kids? Boss? Job? Church? Money?

What steps could you take to accept personal responsibility in your life?

Here, a couple simply tries to avoid each other and when they do speak, it is usually shallow conversation or exchanging clichés. They say things like:

“How you doing?”
“I’m fine.”
“Please pass the salt.”

At this level, there is little discussion about life or each other.

The Second Level

Here, the couple is sharing basic facts about themselves or life in general. At this point, there is little risk in starting an argument. They say things like:

“It was sure hot today, wasn’t it?”
“Can you believe what the President did today!”

A couple tends to avoid “facts” that could lead to conflict.

The Third Level

Here, the couple is at a greater risk in starting an argument. At this level, they can share their opinions, concerns or expectations.

“You never listen to me.”
“You’re wrong and you know it.”
“If I had known how stubborn you are, we wouldn’t be married.”

It’s at this point that an argument can ensue. If the couple has not learned how to handle arguments at this level, they are at risk for becoming infected with one or all of the four relational “germs.”

The Fourth Level

The fourth level is achieved when a couple feels safe to share their deepest feelings and they treat each other’s feelings as very valuable. When one mate asks the other about his or her concerns, opinions, or an expectation, the one sharing is open, honest and responsible for his or her own feelings. They say things like:

“Tell me if this is right, you feel afraid for our daughter because she is getting her driver’s license.”
“It’s not that you mind me watching TV, it’s that you feel cheated that we don’t spend more time together.”
“I could be way off, but I feel sad when my parents don’t come by and see us like they used to.”

There is an atmosphere of honor, that is, the listener is trying to understand and validate what is being communicated. When we share our feelings, it is a person’s attempt to express his or her deepest needs. Conflicts usually reveal that a person’s feelings and needs are not being understood, validated or fulfilled.

The Fifth Level

Level five is different than previous levels because this is where a person feels safe to share his or her own deepest needs. Safety is of the utmost importance. Also, when a mate shares his or her deepest relational needs, there is a feeling that those needs will be understood and valued. They usually say things like:

“See if this is right. You need some alone time at night after work and it’s not that you don’t want time with me, it’s that you need to recoup?”
“Are you saying you need more tenderness when we talk? Describe tenderness. What does it look like to you?”
“Wait a minute, I don’t understand. Am I getting this right, you’re saying that we need to be saving more each month? What does that mean to you?”

Since feelings reflect whether a person’s needs are being met, a couple can honor each other as they move through the fourth level (feelings) into the fifth level (needs). For example, if a person has a need to be treated with tenderness, one might see expressions of frustration or hurt on the face of the offended person. Honor, at the fifth level of intimacy, would involve asking the offended person to share what is needed. If an environment of safety was established, he or she could express the need for more tenderness. The feelings of hurt, frustration or fear are reflections of a person’s deeper need for tenderness.

In conflicts or arguments, a couple can either move toward deeper intimacy or move toward the four relational “Germs.”