“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)

Remember that majestic old farmhouse from the movie Twister that we described earlier? We hope this is slowly becoming your vision for what your remarriage can be. Your goal is to open hearts so that they feel like a safe haven, a place of warmth and security for all who enter. What will it take to accomplish this? One little phrase: Emotional Security. Next to your relationship with Christ and the transformation of your mind and beliefs, emotional security is the most important aspect of fostering a great remarriage.

The marital relationship is what makes or breaks a stepfamily. The husband and wife are the heart of every family, and we already know that the heart needs to remain wide open for love to flow through it. What does it take to keep the valves clear that’s different from what you may have heard or read in other marriage seminars, conferences, or books? Let us say it again: Emotional Security.

Here’s what we mean: After you examine yourself honestly and allow God to perform the necessary surgery to clear any blockages (Go back to Chapters Three and Four if you need to review), your now wide-open heart has to feel safe in order to stay that way. Oftentimes, remarriage relationships feel anything but safe. The walls were raised on a foundation of loss and change. The yard is filled with emotional landmines, ready to be tripped at any moment by an inadvertent gesture, look, or sharp tone that brings to mind a former spouse or painful divorce. Wham! Your heart doors slam shut, and the hard work must start all over again.

Since most remarriages take place after some sort of trauma (divorce or death), there is a built-in, underlying sense of insecurity. This is one of your primary battles. It’s not a knock on remarriage. It’s just what makes second unions and beyond unique from most first-married families. As if that’s not difficult enough, add in the fact that these new marriages are situated directly in the path of oncoming “tornadoes” trying to rip them apart. Tornadoes such as children still suffering from the effects of divorce, former spouses who loathe the new spouse (‘the intruder”), guilt over failed marriages, stepchildren who don’t want a stepparent in their lives, birth children who get “buried” underneath the wreckage of prodigal stepkids, and let’s not forget one of our favorites (heavy sarcasm here), the “ghosts” of marriages past that pop up at every turn! These are just a few of the common storms that barrel down on remarried couples. All of these situations and circumstances erode the sense of safety and security and send hearts back to square one.

Don’t let the emotional funnel clouds on your horizon send you bolting behind emotional barricades. As a couple, you can stand firm, even against an F5 storm, if you put considerable effort and energy into making your hearts feel like the safest place on earth. Can you picture it yet? You and your spouse are curled up together on the porch swing of that old farmhouse, the one that has survived tornado after tornado. You are cuddling, talking, and watching your children and stepchildren laugh and play. That’s the picture to keep in front of you. That’s the place where you want to raise your family—in an environment that is safe and secure—where hearts can feel safe and stay open.

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”
Romans 12:2, NKJV

We have learned some of the ways we can protect and guard our hearts, the wellspring of life, and help them feel safe so they can love openly and fully. But we can’t do it all on our own. The best way to build satisfied hearts in remarriage is to transform our beliefs, so that permanent change takes place in our hearts and is then reflected in every part of our thoughts, words and actions. That’s powerful, and we’ve discovered that it works.

Let us share another story from the Smalley family. When my (Gary’s) grandson, Michael, was ten years of age, he and I launched our own little scientific experiment on his behavior (with the permission of his parents, Kari and Roger, of course). When we began, I had no idea how it would turn out. But when Michael was ten years old, I began to teach him to memorize just a few key Bible verses. Over the next two years as we learned together, I watched Michael’s life and mine be transformed. We were both amazed at the changes, and his parents couldn’t thank me enough. This was a total accident. I had no idea he and I would start changing as much as we did.

My grandson’s actions, words, and thoughts changed from griping, whining and complaining at the age of ten to tenderhearted gratefulness by the age of twelve. By seeing the results of our little “lab experiment” in his life and my own, I became convinced even further how true God’s Word is and how vital it is to learn it if we want our lives to change and our hearts to feel safe.

My time with Michael brought to life Hebrews 4:12, which says that God’s Word is alive and powerful and sharper than a two-edged sword. Jesus says He is the “Word,” and He became flesh and dwelt among us as a gift from God. He also said that if we know the Truth (and part of the Truth is that Jesus Himself is the Word), the Truth will set us free. Memorizing His Word, hiding it in our hearts, is like tucking away Jesus Himself, who lives in us and dwells with us when we accept his gift of salvation. Memorizing the Word is an important aspect of keeping the wellspring of life flowing. It’s a key component of that vertical connection, a personal relationship with God. When we are filled with the Word, which is Christ, we are filled with love because God is love. Then and only then can we overflow His love to those around us.

In my own life over the past eight years, I have watched nearly one hundred Bible verses transform my life in amazing ways, and I know they can transform the love and lives of couples who have remarried so that they have loving, satisfied, safe hearts.

Following her divorce, Marci found strength and comfort when she memorized God’s Word. “The Scriptures felt like they were pumping new life into me, renewing my mind and healing my heart,” she says. “There are so many verses I have come to love, but one of my favorites is Psalm 107:19-20, which says, ‘They cried to the Lord in their trouble and He saved them from their distress. He sent forth His Word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave.’ What tremendous hope those verses gave me when I was in the midst of despair!”

Other verses that helped restore Marci’s quality of life and heal her heart include Psalm 145:8-9 and Jeremiah 29:11-14:

The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and great in mercy. The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them. (Ps. 145:8-9, NIV)

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. (Jer. 29:11-14, NKJV)

“This last verse has taken firm root in my heart,” Marci says. “I believe it with all that I am. It has changed my beliefs and restored my heart. It is TRUE! I am no longer hopeless or helpless.”

We often tell remarried couples that if we had only one hour to spend with them, we would use the entire time to talk about safety and open hearts—how to open your heart so that it’s the safest place on earth for your spouse and kids to come home to. Why? Because the common denominator of an experience like divorce or the death of a spouse is pain—massive amounts of hurt, regret, sorrow, grief, anguish, agony, torture or any other variation of the word. In addition to the loss and pain, you’re also experiencing a massive amount of change. Add emotional pain and change, and people feel very unsafe. To understand what we’re talking about, you merely have to think about the circumstances that were present when you got remarried and compare them to the events leading up to your first wedding day.

Remember back to your first marriage. After getting premarital counseling that actually seemed to fit, many couples experienced their dream wedding. They had looked forward to that special day for as far back as they could remember. Most were young (mid-twenties), blissfully in love, somewhat naïve, optimistic, and idealistic. Everything felt perfect and wonderful, and nothing seemed impossible. In essence, most couples getting married for the first time believe that they are participating in a very special relationship. The enthusiasm and excitement about the relationship help couples resolve any reluctance about marriage. They created such high expectations because they probably…

• Ignored each other’s flaws
• Believed that their spouse would make them whole and bring them true happiness.
• Denied the possibility of any future conflicts or problems.
• Placed each other on pedestals.
• Gave unqualified attention and admiration to one another.

Most people remarrying are a little more down-to-earth. They’re not total relationship cynics or overly pessimistic about love, or they wouldn’t dare head for the altar again. However, most couples are well aware that remarriage will introduce challenges that were not present in their first marriage, even if they aren’t quite clear on what the biggest difficulties will be. For example:

• Remarried couples often feel reluctant and insecure.
• Remarried couples can feel inadequate and fear failing in another marriage.
• Remarried couples are often still dealing with strong emotions like resentment, jealousy and rejection.
• Society has a negative perception of remarriage. Newly formed families may feel inferior and often hide from the world.
• The family hierarchy is reversed, with the new spouse often lower on the hierarchy than the children.
• There are many loyalty conflicts.
• Roles in remarriage can be very confusing.

Phew! And remarried couples are supposed to hang onto the Ephesians promise of the “good life”? That can seem like a very tall order in the wake of challenges, losses and pain that create an environment where everybody feels emotionally unsafe. And changes that produce insecurity inevitably lead to conflict. Let us reassure you of one thing right upfront: The presence of conflict in your remarriage is one hundred percent natural and normal. It is virtually impossible to avoid bumping into differences of opinions, beliefs, and behaviors as you deal with all of the remarriage and stepfamily issues. Add in the loss and pain you’ve experienced on top of the changes, and it’s no wonder that you’re going to encounter conflict.

As you endure arguments, disagreements, fights, struggles, or whatever you want to call them, the sense of being emotionally unsafe heightens among remarried couples. And the real danger in not being prepared for all this conflict is that it leads to a divorce rate that is higher for second marriages than first marriages, and the highest of all for those remarriages that include minor children. We don’t want this to happen to you! And it doesn’t have to. In fact, we believe that Christian remarried couples and the church bodies and leaders who love them can turn the tide of remarriage statistics.

We want stability and peace to reign supreme inside the walls of your heart and your home. We want you—no, we need you as fellow members of the body of Christ—to be able to do the “good works” God has planned for you (After all, your good works might be directly beneficial for us, and we don’t want to miss out!). You can and will, if hearts heal and remain tender and open. Again, we want your hearts to be the safest place on earth, so that you can be blessed by the benefits a healthy marriage and family have to offer.

What? We can hear you thinking, You’re admitting that there are advantages that can come with being part of a remarriage?

Absolutely.

There are incredible benefits that come with remarriage. This is part of God’s redemptive promise. Check out these six amazing benefits that remarried couples can experience:

1. Second marriages can be more fulfilling than first ones because individuals have the ability to learn from their past mistakes, are older, more experienced, and better prepared. They don’t want to fail again, so they try harder; and they are not as idealistic and unrealistic about what to expect.8
2. Partners in remarriage often appreciate each other more, because they know what it has been like to be betrayed or bereft. They know how hard it is to go it alone after being married and are grateful for the new, committed relationship they’ve created.
3. Remarried couples can let go of the guilt, fears, and stress associated with raising children in a single-parent home. A healthy remarriage can fulfill the deep emotional needs of children and adults as well as a healthy traditional family can—the needs to nurture one another by providing safe refuge, comfort, encouragement, companionship, loving confrontation, affirmation, stimulation, affection, a sense of belonging, acceptance, laughter, and unconditional love.
4. Remarriage provides the couple with physical, emotional, mental and spiritual intimacy and outlet. If the first marriage was riddled with conflict, then a healthy remarriage can help build new bridges of trust.
5. Remarriage gives single parents someone to share the workload; the new spouse also can serve as a sounding board.
6. Remarriage creates a foundation for new friendships and ministry opportunities.

Isn’t it awesome what God can do through pain and brokenness? Now add your own benefits to the list. What positives have been added to your life since you became a couple? What benefits have your children received? Pastors, what blessings do you see coming from the remarriages in your church? The benefits can be big, but they are based on one condition: Remarriages must be healthy. Families must be healthy. In order for second marriages and beyond to be healthy, members must feel safe.

When Matt and Mandy decided to get married, they vowed to do it right. They would love each other till death parted them, and get married in their church in a ceremony witnessed by friends and family. Excitedly, the couple booked their wedding date in the chapel and planned their reception. Mandy bought a beautiful wedding gown, and the pair picked out rings. They lined up their premarital counseling appointments and showed up a few minutes early for the first session, eager to hear the words of wisdom their pastor would impart for their blessed union.

They entered the pastor’s office, where the men shook hands and clapped each other lightly on the back, and Mandy gave the pastor a light hug. Then the couple sat down in chairs across from this man they respected—and waited.

Suddenly, the atmosphere turned slightly awkward. The pastor cleared his throat, obviously trying to find the right words. Matt and Mandy looked at each other anxiously. You see, Matt and Mandy were each getting married for the second time. She wasn’t the young, first-time bride but a divorcee with an ex-husband two states away and two small children. Matt had a former wife who now attended church across town and three kids who went back and forth between mom and dad. The comfortable, wood-paneled church office suddenly began to feel stifling.

This scenario, or something like it, happens in churches every day. Well-meaning couples who have experienced the pain of leaving a marriage or losing a spouse through death or divorce want to get married for the second (or more) time, and well-meaning, caring pastors and ministers feel uneasy or don’t have the right tools to counsel them on how to do it. Couples on the brink of remarriage desperately need wisdom, and their damaged hearts long for a blessing. They’ve heard the warnings of family and friends. They already know the odds against a second marriage making it. They live daily with the pain of “friends” who gossip, judge or just no longer invite them over since their marriage ended.
Still, Christian couples who believe that God has offered them a new chance at love for a lifetime make joyful plans for remarriage. They want to build a family that will honor God, and they desire to be used by Him as a living picture of redemption. They need acceptance and solid advice, and they turn to their churches to receive it.

Often, the pastor isn’t sure how to give it—the advice or the blessing. After all, praising the two for remaining sexually pure before the union doesn’t exactly fit, and talking about how the marriage will change when children enter the picture usually doesn’t apply. (Been there, done that.) Finances are muddied with child support coming and going, and simple suggestions for better communication hardly cover the sticky circumstances remarried couples will face, with former spouses who create chaos and children who may hate their stepparent. Plus, most loving pastors have counseled hundreds of marriages in trouble and watched remarriages fall apart right and left. They feel torn between hoping this union will last for the sake of all the kids involved and wanting to say, “Are you sure you want to do this?” (the polite version of shouting, “Run for the hills!”). They want to provide wisdom but aren’t sure what the right words are to say.

When premarital sessions are over, couples smile and shake hands with their pastor again, but the smiles are now strained, and all feel relieved to be parting. The three may engage in a few more of these stilted conversations before the wedding, most likely never getting past the past and on to issues of the heart that could heal. Instead of getting a good start for a healthy remarriage, couples often feel guilty or frustrated at the lack of empathy and understanding. And pastors and lay pastors who care about these couples and want to marry them with a blessing may feel like they have failed to give hope, wisdom and solid resources to give remarriages a great start.

That’s why we wrote The Heart of Remarriage. This book has a multi-fold purpose: to teach loving couples how to heal their own hearts from trauma associated with the death or divorce from a spouse, to give already remarried couples practical tools for keeping their hearts open to each other along this complicated journey, and to provide heart insight for loving pastors, lay pastors, counselors and even small group leaders who want to give advice filled with God’s wisdom that will help remarrying couples make it not only to the altar, but also through a fulfilling marriage that lasts the rest of their lives.

In full disclosure, both my wife and I use Facebook for our personal lives and our ministry along with my dad.  Facebook has not proven to hurt or negatively impact our marriage, but I could not resist posting this very interesting study done in the United Kingdom:

Facebook is bad for your marriage according to research carried out by an online divorce service in the United Kingdom. Divorce-Online scanned their divorce petition database for the use of the word “Facebook” and found 989 instances of the word in over 5,000 divorce petitions sampled.

This means that just under 20% of all the petitions filed through the company had references to Facebook within the text of the divorce petitions.

Managing Director Mark Keenan said “I had heard from my staff that there were a lot of people saying they had found out things about their partners on Facebook and I decided to see how prevalent it was I was really surprised to see 20% of all the petitions containing references to Facebook. The most common reason seemed to be people having inappropriate sexual chats with people they were not supposed to”.

Notes to Editors:

About http://www.Divorce-Online.Co.UK

Founded in 1999, Divorce-Online is the UK leader in online divorce services and solutions that help people obtain an uncontested divorce without the need to visit a solicitor. Divorce-Online.Co.UK has helped over 60,000 couples achieve an amicable divorce.

About the research

Research for Divorce-Online was carried out on 20th December 2009 with a sample size of 5,000 divorce petitions.

So why would Facebook be mentioned in 20% of divorce petitions? My guess is that these couples were abusing the use of Facebook in several different ways:

1. Their spouse may be developing inappropriate friendships with the opposite sex. Or maybe, they are even reconnecting with old flames via Facebook.
2. Their spouse may be simply using Facebook too much.  I’ve heard of people using Facebook for over 6 to 8 hours a day! That would be way too excessive.  I think getting on Facebook for about 30 minutes in a day is decent, maybe pushing the limit, but certainly not abusive.
3. Their spouse is airing out their dirty laundry through status updates.  I’ve certainly heard of people hurt by what their spouse put on Facebook as a status update.  An inability to communicate properly could tempt someone to handle their conflict through a social media as opposed to with their spouse.

What do you think? Why else might Facebook be hurting marriages, and have you been hurt by Facebook in your own marriage?

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Why do people have affairs? I’ve counseled many couples in crisis due to the damaging experience of an affair or infidelity and the victimized spouse almost always wants to know why. Why would he do this to me? Why would she need another man? The questions are painful and filled with hurt, anger, and frustration.

Smart Marriages is an organization founded and directed by Diane Sollee and I get Diane’s newsletter each week (sometimes daily). Peggy Vaughan recently wrote to Diane about the societal factors of infidelity, in other words, a powerful reason why someone might seek out an affair:

Dear Diane,

I just watched Oprah which featured a rare on-camera interview with an Amishcouple (taped prior to the Amish school shooting). The interview revealed that in Amish marriages, there are NO divorces and NO extramarital affairs.

As you know, beginning with the initial publication of “The Monogamy Myth” in 1989, I have advocated looking beyond just the personal failures of individuals or particular marriages to recognize that “societal factors” also play a role in affairs.

The Amish society is quite different from our more general society… which leads their attitudes about marriage to be drastically different as well.

Below are some quotes from the interview that demonstrate this:

Oprah: “What happens if you get tired of each other? What if you say, ‘I don’t want to be married to you anymore?’”

Amish: You go into marriage knowing this is for keeps. There is no divorce. You work on it, you talk about it, you go for counseling if need be.”

Oprah: “Is there any adultery?”

Amish: “No, not that I know of.”

Finally, perhaps the most amazing and inspiring comment of all: “We’re really happy. We have 100% contentment.”

Most of us think everything about the Amish way of life would be impossible, but their lives provide hope that it’s possible to change the larger society’s attitudes about marriage and about extramarital affairs.

Peggy Vaughan
website: http://www.dearpeggy.com
Blog: http://www.dearpeggy.com/blog/

Create an environment in your marriage where divorce is not an option and an affair is not an option and see what happens. If you ever think, “Well, if this doesn’t get any better, then I…” or “I wonder what it would be like to sleep with…” These kinds of thoughts undermine your commitment to the marriage and will have financial, emotional, and spiritual consequences if you continue to think about them.

Watch to see what Gary Smalley would say to Jon and Kate. It just might help your marriage as well!

You will not want to miss this video podcast! The question I received is one that hits to the core of many problems for marriages today. Watch and see how worked up I get in this one.