Remember that majestic old farmhouse from the movie Twister that we described earlier? We hope this is slowly becoming your vision for what your remarriage can be. Your goal is to open hearts so that they feel like a safe haven, a place of warmth and security for all who enter. What will it take to accomplish this? One little phrase: Emotional Security. Next to your relationship with Christ and the transformation of your mind and beliefs, emotional security is the most important aspect of fostering a great remarriage.

The marital relationship is what makes or breaks a stepfamily. The husband and wife are the heart of every family, and we already know that the heart needs to remain wide open for love to flow through it. What does it take to keep the valves clear that’s different from what you may have heard or read in other marriage seminars, conferences, or books? Let us say it again: Emotional Security.

Here’s what we mean: After you examine yourself honestly and allow God to perform the necessary surgery to clear any blockages (Go back to Chapters Three and Four if you need to review), your now wide-open heart has to feel safe in order to stay that way. Oftentimes, remarriage relationships feel anything but safe. The walls were raised on a foundation of loss and change. The yard is filled with emotional landmines, ready to be tripped at any moment by an inadvertent gesture, look, or sharp tone that brings to mind a former spouse or painful divorce. Wham! Your heart doors slam shut, and the hard work must start all over again.

Since most remarriages take place after some sort of trauma (divorce or death), there is a built-in, underlying sense of insecurity. This is one of your primary battles. It’s not a knock on remarriage. It’s just what makes second unions and beyond unique from most first-married families. As if that’s not difficult enough, add in the fact that these new marriages are situated directly in the path of oncoming “tornadoes” trying to rip them apart. Tornadoes such as children still suffering from the effects of divorce, former spouses who loathe the new spouse (‘the intruder”), guilt over failed marriages, stepchildren who don’t want a stepparent in their lives, birth children who get “buried” underneath the wreckage of prodigal stepkids, and let’s not forget one of our favorites (heavy sarcasm here), the “ghosts” of marriages past that pop up at every turn! These are just a few of the common storms that barrel down on remarried couples. All of these situations and circumstances erode the sense of safety and security and send hearts back to square one.

Don’t let the emotional funnel clouds on your horizon send you bolting behind emotional barricades. As a couple, you can stand firm, even against an F5 storm, if you put considerable effort and energy into making your hearts feel like the safest place on earth. Can you picture it yet? You and your spouse are curled up together on the porch swing of that old farmhouse, the one that has survived tornado after tornado. You are cuddling, talking, and watching your children and stepchildren laugh and play. That’s the picture to keep in front of you. That’s the place where you want to raise your family—in an environment that is safe and secure—where hearts can feel safe and stay open.

We have learned some of the ways we can protect and guard our hearts, the wellspring of life, and help them feel safe so they can love openly and fully. But we can’t do it all on our own. The best way to build satisfied hearts in remarriage is to transform our beliefs, so that permanent change takes place in our hearts and is then reflected in every part of our thoughts, words and actions. That’s powerful, and we’ve discovered that it works.

Let us share another story from the Smalley family. When my (Gary’s) grandson, Michael, was ten years of age, he and I launched our own little scientific experiment on his behavior (with the permission of his parents, Kari and Roger, of course). When we began, I had no idea how it would turn out. But when Michael was ten years old, I began to teach him to memorize just a few key Bible verses. Over the next two years as we learned together, I watched Michael’s life and mine be transformed. We were both amazed at the changes, and his parents couldn’t thank me enough. This was a total accident. I had no idea he and I would start changing as much as we did.

My grandson’s actions, words, and thoughts changed from griping, whining and complaining at the age of ten to tenderhearted gratefulness by the age of twelve. By seeing the results of our little “lab experiment” in his life and my own, I became convinced even further how true God’s Word is and how vital it is to learn it if we want our lives to change and our hearts to feel safe.

My time with Michael brought to life Hebrews 4:12, which says that God’s Word is alive and powerful and sharper than a two-edged sword. Jesus says He is the “Word,” and He became flesh and dwelt among us as a gift from God. He also said that if we know the Truth (and part of the Truth is that Jesus Himself is the Word), the Truth will set us free. Memorizing His Word, hiding it in our hearts, is like tucking away Jesus Himself, who lives in us and dwells with us when we accept his gift of salvation. Memorizing the Word is an important aspect of keeping the wellspring of life flowing. It’s a key component of that vertical connection, a personal relationship with God. When we are filled with the Word, which is Christ, we are filled with love because God is love. Then and only then can we overflow His love to those around us.

In my own life over the past eight years, I have watched nearly one hundred Bible verses transform my life in amazing ways, and I know they can transform the love and lives of couples who have remarried so that they have loving, satisfied, safe hearts.

Following her divorce, Marci found strength and comfort when she memorized God’s Word. “The Scriptures felt like they were pumping new life into me, renewing my mind and healing my heart,” she says. “There are so many verses I have come to love, but one of my favorites is Psalm 107:19-20, which says, ‘They cried to the Lord in their trouble and He saved them from their distress. He sent forth His Word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave.’ What tremendous hope those verses gave me when I was in the midst of despair!”

Other verses that helped restore Marci’s quality of life and heal her heart include Psalm 145:8-9 and Jeremiah 29:11-14:

The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and great in mercy. The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them. (Ps. 145:8-9, NIV)

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. (Jer. 29:11-14, NKJV)

“This last verse has taken firm root in my heart,” Marci says. “I believe it with all that I am. It has changed my beliefs and restored my heart. It is TRUE! I am no longer hopeless or helpless.”

Remember back to your first marriage. After getting premarital counseling that actually seemed to fit, many couples experienced their dream wedding. They had looked forward to that special day for as far back as they could remember. Most were young (mid-twenties), blissfully in love, somewhat naïve, optimistic, and idealistic. Everything felt perfect and wonderful, and nothing seemed impossible. In essence, most couples getting married for the first time believe that they are participating in a very special relationship. The enthusiasm and excitement about the relationship help couples resolve any reluctance about marriage. They created such high expectations because they probably…

• Ignored each other’s flaws
• Believed that their spouse would make them whole and bring them true happiness.
• Denied the possibility of any future conflicts or problems.
• Placed each other on pedestals.
• Gave unqualified attention and admiration to one another.

Most people remarrying are a little more down-to-earth. They’re not total relationship cynics or overly pessimistic about love, or they wouldn’t dare head for the altar again. However, most couples are well aware that remarriage will introduce challenges that were not present in their first marriage, even if they aren’t quite clear on what the biggest difficulties will be. For example:

• Remarried couples often feel reluctant and insecure.
• Remarried couples can feel inadequate and fear failing in another marriage.
• Remarried couples are often still dealing with strong emotions like resentment, jealousy and rejection.
• Society has a negative perception of remarriage. Newly formed families may feel inferior and often hide from the world.
• The family hierarchy is reversed, with the new spouse often lower on the hierarchy than the children.
• There are many loyalty conflicts.
• Roles in remarriage can be very confusing.

Phew! And remarried couples are supposed to hang onto the Ephesians promise of the “good life”? That can seem like a very tall order in the wake of challenges, losses and pain that create an environment where everybody feels emotionally unsafe. And changes that produce insecurity inevitably lead to conflict. Let us reassure you of one thing right upfront: The presence of conflict in your remarriage is one hundred percent natural and normal. It is virtually impossible to avoid bumping into differences of opinions, beliefs, and behaviors as you deal with all of the remarriage and stepfamily issues. Add in the loss and pain you’ve experienced on top of the changes, and it’s no wonder that you’re going to encounter conflict.

As you endure arguments, disagreements, fights, struggles, or whatever you want to call them, the sense of being emotionally unsafe heightens among remarried couples. And the real danger in not being prepared for all this conflict is that it leads to a divorce rate that is higher for second marriages than first marriages, and the highest of all for those remarriages that include minor children. We don’t want this to happen to you! And it doesn’t have to. In fact, we believe that Christian remarried couples and the church bodies and leaders who love them can turn the tide of remarriage statistics.

We want stability and peace to reign supreme inside the walls of your heart and your home. We want you—no, we need you as fellow members of the body of Christ—to be able to do the “good works” God has planned for you (After all, your good works might be directly beneficial for us, and we don’t want to miss out!). You can and will, if hearts heal and remain tender and open. Again, we want your hearts to be the safest place on earth, so that you can be blessed by the benefits a healthy marriage and family have to offer.

What? We can hear you thinking, You’re admitting that there are advantages that can come with being part of a remarriage?

Absolutely.

There are incredible benefits that come with remarriage. This is part of God’s redemptive promise. Check out these six amazing benefits that remarried couples can experience:

1. Second marriages can be more fulfilling than first ones because individuals have the ability to learn from their past mistakes, are older, more experienced, and better prepared. They don’t want to fail again, so they try harder; and they are not as idealistic and unrealistic about what to expect.8
2. Partners in remarriage often appreciate each other more, because they know what it has been like to be betrayed or bereft. They know how hard it is to go it alone after being married and are grateful for the new, committed relationship they’ve created.
3. Remarried couples can let go of the guilt, fears, and stress associated with raising children in a single-parent home. A healthy remarriage can fulfill the deep emotional needs of children and adults as well as a healthy traditional family can—the needs to nurture one another by providing safe refuge, comfort, encouragement, companionship, loving confrontation, affirmation, stimulation, affection, a sense of belonging, acceptance, laughter, and unconditional love.
4. Remarriage provides the couple with physical, emotional, mental and spiritual intimacy and outlet. If the first marriage was riddled with conflict, then a healthy remarriage can help build new bridges of trust.
5. Remarriage gives single parents someone to share the workload; the new spouse also can serve as a sounding board.
6. Remarriage creates a foundation for new friendships and ministry opportunities.

Isn’t it awesome what God can do through pain and brokenness? Now add your own benefits to the list. What positives have been added to your life since you became a couple? What benefits have your children received? Pastors, what blessings do you see coming from the remarriages in your church? The benefits can be big, but they are based on one condition: Remarriages must be healthy. Families must be healthy. In order for second marriages and beyond to be healthy, members must feel safe.

They entered the pastor’s office, where the men shook hands and clapped each other lightly on the back, and Mandy gave the pastor a light hug. Then the couple sat down in chairs across from this man they respected—and waited.

Suddenly, the atmosphere turned slightly awkward. The pastor cleared his throat, obviously trying to find the right words. Matt and Mandy looked at each other anxiously. You see, Matt and Mandy were each getting married for the second time. She wasn’t the young, first-time bride but a divorcee with an ex-husband two states away and two small children. Matt had a former wife who now attended church across town and three kids who went back and forth between mom and dad. The comfortable, wood-paneled church office suddenly began to feel stifling.

This scenario, or something like it, happens in churches every day. Well-meaning couples who have experienced the pain of leaving a marriage or losing a spouse through death or divorce want to get married for the second (or more) time, and well-meaning, caring pastors and ministers feel uneasy or don’t have the right tools to counsel them on how to do it. Couples on the brink of remarriage desperately need wisdom, and their damaged hearts long for a blessing. They’ve heard the warnings of family and friends. They already know the odds against a second marriage making it. They live daily with the pain of “friends” who gossip, judge or just no longer invite them over since their marriage ended.
Still, Christian couples who believe that God has offered them a new chance at love for a lifetime make joyful plans for remarriage. They want to build a family that will honor God, and they desire to be used by Him as a living picture of redemption. They need acceptance and solid advice, and they turn to their churches to receive it.

Often, the pastor isn’t sure how to give it—the advice or the blessing. After all, praising the two for remaining sexually pure before the union doesn’t exactly fit, and talking about how the marriage will change when children enter the picture usually doesn’t apply. (Been there, done that.) Finances are muddied with child support coming and going, and simple suggestions for better communication hardly cover the sticky circumstances remarried couples will face, with former spouses who create chaos and children who may hate their stepparent. Plus, most loving pastors have counseled hundreds of marriages in trouble and watched remarriages fall apart right and left. They feel torn between hoping this union will last for the sake of all the kids involved and wanting to say, “Are you sure you want to do this?” (the polite version of shouting, “Run for the hills!”). They want to provide wisdom but aren’t sure what the right words are to say.

When premarital sessions are over, couples smile and shake hands with their pastor again, but the smiles are now strained, and all feel relieved to be parting. The three may engage in a few more of these stilted conversations before the wedding, most likely never getting past the past and on to issues of the heart that could heal. Instead of getting a good start for a healthy remarriage, couples often feel guilty or frustrated at the lack of empathy and understanding. And pastors and lay pastors who care about these couples and want to marry them with a blessing may feel like they have failed to give hope, wisdom and solid resources to give remarriages a great start.

That’s why we wrote The Heart of Remarriage. This book has a multi-fold purpose: to teach loving couples how to heal their own hearts from trauma associated with the death or divorce from a spouse, to give already remarried couples practical tools for keeping their hearts open to each other along this complicated journey, and to provide heart insight for loving pastors, lay pastors, counselors and even small group leaders who want to give advice filled with God’s wisdom that will help remarrying couples make it not only to the altar, but also through a fulfilling marriage that lasts the rest of their lives.

In full disclosure, both my wife and I use Facebook for our personal lives and our ministry along with my dad.  Facebook has not proven to hurt or negatively impact our marriage, but I could not resist posting this very interesting study done in the United Kingdom:

Facebook is bad for your marriage according to research carried out by an online divorce service in the United Kingdom. Divorce-Online scanned their divorce petition database for the use of the word “Facebook” and found 989 instances of the word in over 5,000 divorce petitions sampled.

This means that just under 20% of all the petitions filed through the company had references to Facebook within the text of the divorce petitions.

Managing Director Mark Keenan said “I had heard from my staff that there were a lot of people saying they had found out things about their partners on Facebook and I decided to see how prevalent it was I was really surprised to see 20% of all the petitions containing references to Facebook. The most common reason seemed to be people having inappropriate sexual chats with people they were not supposed to”.

Notes to Editors:

About http://www.Divorce-Online.Co.UK

Founded in 1999, Divorce-Online is the UK leader in online divorce services and solutions that help people obtain an uncontested divorce without the need to visit a solicitor. Divorce-Online.Co.UK has helped over 60,000 couples achieve an amicable divorce.

About the research

Research for Divorce-Online was carried out on 20th December 2009 with a sample size of 5,000 divorce petitions.

So why would Facebook be mentioned in 20% of divorce petitions? My guess is that these couples were abusing the use of Facebook in several different ways:

1. Their spouse may be developing inappropriate friendships with the opposite sex. Or maybe, they are even reconnecting with old flames via Facebook.
2. Their spouse may be simply using Facebook too much.  I’ve heard of people using Facebook for over 6 to 8 hours a day! That would be way too excessive.  I think getting on Facebook for about 30 minutes in a day is decent, maybe pushing the limit, but certainly not abusive.
3. Their spouse is airing out their dirty laundry through status updates.  I’ve certainly heard of people hurt by what their spouse put on Facebook as a status update.  An inability to communicate properly could tempt someone to handle their conflict through a social media as opposed to with their spouse.

What do you think? Why else might Facebook be hurting marriages, and have you been hurt by Facebook in your own marriage?

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Smart Marriages is an organization founded and directed by Diane Sollee and I get Diane’s newsletter each week (sometimes daily). Peggy Vaughan recently wrote to Diane about the societal factors of infidelity, in other words, a powerful reason why someone might seek out an affair:

Dear Diane,

I just watched Oprah which featured a rare on-camera interview with an Amishcouple (taped prior to the Amish school shooting). The interview revealed that in Amish marriages, there are NO divorces and NO extramarital affairs.

As you know, beginning with the initial publication of “The Monogamy Myth” in 1989, I have advocated looking beyond just the personal failures of individuals or particular marriages to recognize that “societal factors” also play a role in affairs.

The Amish society is quite different from our more general society… which leads their attitudes about marriage to be drastically different as well.

Below are some quotes from the interview that demonstrate this:

Oprah: “What happens if you get tired of each other? What if you say, ‘I don’t want to be married to you anymore?’”

Amish: You go into marriage knowing this is for keeps. There is no divorce. You work on it, you talk about it, you go for counseling if need be.”

Oprah: “Is there any adultery?”

Amish: “No, not that I know of.”

Finally, perhaps the most amazing and inspiring comment of all: “We’re really happy. We have 100% contentment.”

Most of us think everything about the Amish way of life would be impossible, but their lives provide hope that it’s possible to change the larger society’s attitudes about marriage and about extramarital affairs.

Peggy Vaughan
website: http://www.dearpeggy.com
Blog: http://www.dearpeggy.com/blog/

Create an environment in your marriage where divorce is not an option and an affair is not an option and see what happens. If you ever think, “Well, if this doesn’t get any better, then I…” or “I wonder what it would be like to sleep with…” These kinds of thoughts undermine your commitment to the marriage and will have financial, emotional, and spiritual consequences if you continue to think about them.

If you don’t want your marriage to end in divorce, but you don’t know how to keep it together, then our Marriage Restoration Intensives programs are the solution you are looking for. The Marriage Restoration Intensive is based on over a decade of intense clinical research by the Smalleys proven to increase marital satisfaction and significantly decrease your chances of divorce.

What is a Marriage Restoration Intensive?

A One-day or two-day Marriage Restoration Intensive is designed for one couple and one licensed counselor or highly trained marriage consultant. These are scheduled at your convenience and are available upon request. You can call us during business hours at 832.381.4374 to schedule a Marriage Restoration Intensive to fit your schedule.

If you want someone to email you or call you back with more information on the Marriage Restoration Intensive program, please fill out the form at the bottom of this page.

What makes an MRI different from a counseling program?

Our program is unique because it focuses on a spiritually based model of working with couples developed by the Smalleys. This model has been utilized all over the country and has been found to be successful with the vast majority of couples who attend our marriage intensive program.

Experience a profound change

No matter what state your marriage is in, our intensives will make a profound impact on your marriage. Couples who are stressed will learn why they are stressed and actually be able to significantly increase their marital satisfaction through learning practical and applicable relationship skills like conflict resolution, communication, forgiveness, and more!

Have you said or thought any of the following:

• “There’s no hope for us.”
• “My husband says he doesn’t love me any more.”
• “My wife has had an affair.”

No marriage is too hurting or too conflicted to be restored through our Marriage Restoration Intensive.

• 99% of the couples who’ve attended our Marriage Restoration Intensive would recommend it to other couples.
• When couples were asked how they would rate their satisfaction with our retreat, in terms of how it helped their marriage, on a scale from 1 (meaning that it didn’t help at all) to 10 (meaning that it was very helpful) the average couple ranked our Marriage Restoration Retreat at a 9.5.

What is the intensive like?

In today’s society it is difficult to commit an hour a week for several months to anything, let alone the health of your marriage. Typically, this is what you are asked to do when you seek marriage counseling. Often, you find yourself experiencing more stress just trying to get into counseling because you have to take off work early, find a baby sitter, coordinate each other’s schedules, etc. In the end, counseling becomes more of a hassle than an asset. Our intensives are focused help for your marriage.

There are no awkward exercises during the intensive but rather focused and individualized help to move you forward in love and harmony. The time is flexible yet purposeful. You will learn specific key concepts that are proven to revitalize even the most stressed and wounded couples.

Proven success for our intensives

The Marriage Restoration Intensive is based on the wildly successful Couples Intensive program by The Smalley Relationship Center that was over 87% successful in keeping couples together and satisfied in their marriage!

The retreats are not a traditional counseling program.The intensives are located approximately 30 miles north of Houston in The Woodlands, Texas. The Woodlands is a local attraction with its variety of shopping, top-rated golf courses, and outstanding selection of restaurants. Let this be a time for you and your spouse to escape the stress of everyday life to enjoy time together and focus on your relationship.

Why should you seek help?

• Because the average divorce, at least in The Woodlands, Texas costs nearly $60,000!
• Because nearly every possible negative behavior for a child increases after a divorce.
• Because of the brilliant work of some of the most respected marriage and family researchers today, we now know what it takes for a marriage to over come most any conflict it will face.

For this reason, the Smalley Marriage and Family Center believes you can survive whatever conflict or hurt your marriage is suffering from! Our Marriage Restoration Intensive is proven to turn even the most hurting or devastated marriages into thriving and committed ones!

So how can you know if you need to attend one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives?

Signs of a couple in crisis:

• Difficulty communicating well, especially when you disagree.
• Avoidance/Withdrawal-one or both partners choose to avoid or withdrawal from conversations as a result of negative discussion.
• Invalidation-when one talks negatively about the beliefs, feelings, thoughts, looks, etc. of the other partner.
• Negative Interpretations-when one partner believes that the other partner is constantly behaving/speaking in a more negative way than is actually the case.
• Escalation-when in a discussion, one or both partners begin to escalate the conversation to hostile levels.
• Not handling disagreements as a team.
• Unrealistic beliefs about marriage.
• Difference in beliefs about important issues.
• A low level of commitment to one another (infidelity, no long-term goals, etc.)
• Not practicing faith/spirituality together.

A snapshot of our content

• Why do couples get into trouble
• The greatest act of love no one wants to try
• Creating a marriage worth being in
• LUV Talk: the key to resolving conflict
• The most important thing to do every week for your marriage
• Building a community of support in to your marriage

If you want to talk with someone about attending one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives, then please call us at 888-536-2722 or feel free to fill our our online contact form.

Cost of the MRI

The cost can vary depending on who you are scheduled to see in the MRI and what your current financial situation is, but be assured that we offer scholarships to couples who are in need of help.

Where are the intensives located?

• The Smalley’s official Marriage Restoration Intensive program is held in The Woodlands, Texas.  The nearest airport is George Bush International (airport code IAH).

CANCELLATION POLICY

Once an intensive is purchased, there can be a 50% refund of the total purchase price up to a month in advance of the date of the retreat. There are no refunds accepted within a month of the date of a scheduled retreat for any reason.

This man is on his second marriage and he is panicked about getting divorced again, should he be worried?

LET’S say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s — gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny — have for the most part come true.

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Christopher Silas Neal

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Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

via Modern Love – Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear – NYTimes.com.

Effective parenting comes from a solid foundation of unconditional love and acceptance.  You do not have that initially as a stepparent.  Worry more about building up your relationship with the stepchildren through unconditional love and acceptance than worrying about disciplining them.  Often times it is the biological parent that initially needs to keep up the work as the primary discipline force for the kids.  Remember, most kids did not want the divorce and are not happy about it, so don’t push yourself on to them because you want them to accept you.

Take the time to show them you’re serious about their parent and them.  Prove to them that you’re there to stay.  Once they figure out that you are for real, then you will be given the opportunity to have more influence on their lives.

Some legitimate reasons to get remarried are:

• After fixing what was broken in your life with the first marriage, you find a loving and compassionate man who is equally excited to grow spiritually together and work on the new marriage together.
• After fixing what was broken in your life with the first marriage, you meet a person who fits your top 10 qualities (or deal breakers) you want in a person.
• After fixing what was broken in your life with the first marriage, you discover love (not out of desperation) but out of patience and maybe even a little surprise.

Are you catching the theme with these legitimate reasons to get remarried? The worst thing you can do is get remarried before you’ve healed and grown from the mistakes of your first marriage. There’s a reason that second marriage have around a 67% divorce rate. Don’t even think about a relationship until you’ve had someone walk you through what your part was in the demise of the first marriage. And you had a part, whether you want to admit that or not. No one is perfect and it does not place more blame on your shoulders by acknowledging what you did to hurt the first marriage.

Heal. Learn. Grow. Now you are ready to get remarried.

If you watch the news or read the tabloids, then you are well aware of the issues plaguing Jon and Kate from the hit reality show Jon and Kate plus 8. We’ve been contacted by several friends telling us to offer to help them with one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives. Unfortunately, we do not know them or how to get in contact with them.

So I felt like I should write this tip. First of all, do not believe anything you read in the tabloids. I have several close friends who are tabloid magnets, in a major way, and I can assure you that the rumors and lies spread through the tabloids are obscene and totally false! Who knows what is really going on with Jon and Kate, and I would suggest we all hold on assumptions until we hear it directly from them.

What advice would I give Jon and Kate? Ask for help. If you need help, then reach out and search someone who can help you avoid divorce (if that is really what is happening for them). The worst mistake couples make when they are facing a trial in their marriage is when they shut out the world and begin believing they are the only ones hurting. Lots of couples are hurting and we all need to be more authentic with our pain.

The second bit of advice I would give to Jon and Kate would be to slow down and take a step back. When your marriage is in trouble, the best thing you can do is to figure what you have done to contribute. The more you point fingers and blame your spouse, the worse your marriage is going to get. Take personal responsibility for your own actions. This will cause your spouse to relax and it will create an opportunity for self-reflection.

I’ve written about these before, but let me give them to you once more.  Couples divorce when they respond to conflict by:

1. Escalating – yelling, screaming, basically getting out of control.
2. Avoiding – running away from conflict.
3. Dishonoring – name-calling and basic character assassination.
4. Developing negative beliefs – your spouse can not win, no matter what because you have a belief that is negative and possibly incorrect.

These four are the first four mistakes couples make when they get in to conflict. These are the primary mistakes that lead to divorce, but there are more mistakes couples make that do not lead to happy marriages and these other mistakes are secondary, and can most certainly relate back to the first four.

If you want a happy marriage, which I’m pretty sure each and every person who gets married wants, then you have to learn how to avoid these pitfalls during arguments. Arguments are not bad, it is how we respond to arguments that either makes or breaks our marriage (or any relationship).

The other six mistakes couples make during conflict are:

1. They don’t take a time-out when feelings get hurt or things get heated.
2. They play the blame game.
3. They kitchen-sink every argument ever experienced.
4. They go to a third party to complain.
5. They flip flop who’s at fault.
6. They invalidate each other’s feelings or needs.

1. They don’t take a time-out when feelings get hurt or things get heated
I just wrote a five part series on conflict resolution.  One of the parts was taking a time-out.  If you do not take a break and relax, your conflict is going to get out of control. Take a step back and breath. Calm down, and then reengage with each other.

2. They play the blame game.
Do you like it when you’re blamed for something? Probably not, so don’t do it to your spouse. Blaming only leads to more misery. The more you take personal responsibility, the better your marriage will get.

3. They kitchen-sink every argument ever experienced.
Does it feel helpful to bring up past arguments when you are arguing in the present? Does it ever go well to remind your spouse of other times they totally messed up? No. So don’t bring in the past, keep focused on the present and resolve one conflict at a time.

4. They go to a third party to complain.
It is okay to have a close friend where you can get validated and loved well. You can even complain from time to time about something that happened between you and your spouse. But do not make this a habit and you must only talk with a close friend of the same sex. It is never okay to complain about your spouse to the opposite sex, that will only lead to more problems and heartache. When you spend your days complaining about how “bad” your spouse is, you set yourself up to develop powerful negative beliefs that are very hard to get rid of.

5. They flip flop who’s at fault.
If your spouse comes to you with something you did to hurt or frustrate her, do not turn the table and point out something that bothers you. There is nothing more frustrating and hurtful than when your spouse turns the table on the conflict. If your spouse approaches you about an issue, take it like a man (or woman) and stick to that issue. No one likes a flip flopper!

6. They invalidate each other’s feelings or needs.
Validation is my wife’s biggest passion for couples. Her quote when she teaches this concept is so powerful, “You are more important to me than proving myself right or proving you wrong.” Just listen and validate. Do not argue with your spouse about facts or try to justify or explain your actions. Keep quiet and simply ask, “What do you need from me right now?” This is a powerful question that can disarm even the angriest person.

These are 10 of the craziest things people will do when they get in to conflict with their spouse. Great marriage do not just happen, they are built through enrichment and education. Either you are working on your marriage and learning how to better love each other, or you are getting worse.

Part 2 is all about walking away or taking a time-out when your buttons get pushed. What are your buttons? Just click on the word buttons to download a PDF of the most common buttons pushed in an argument. Our research has shown that most women report feeling disconnected or rejected as their most common button pushed in an argument. Men reported their biggest buttons as feeling controlled or like a failure when in an argument. Buttons are important to understand because they are the foundation of why you get upset.

We do not get upset because the trash wasn’t taken out. We get upset because when the trash was not taken out our button of being ignored or invalidated got pushed. The first rule in healthy conflict resolution is to not talk or engage when your buttons first get pushed. Can you tell when your buttons get pushed and you are feeling negative or threatened? If so, then use those negative feelings (i.e. hurt, discouraged, controlled, failure, rejected, ignored, etc.) as a reminder to call a time-out.

Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley discovered, in their groundbreaking 25-year longitudinal study, that couples really only divorce for 4 reasons:

1. Someone escalates when conflict occurs
2. Someone avoids when conflict occurs
3. Someone belittles or dishonors when conflict occurs
4. Someone develops negative beliefs as a result of conflict

(You can get a far more in-depth teaching on these things with our audio series “Embrace – seven powerful discoveries to strengthen any marriage”)

Always remember that conflict is not the problem in unhealthy marriages, those four reasons mentioned above are the problem. How you respond to your buttons getting pushed is the problem. If you respond with any of those four things, then you are headed for divorce. If you respond with a time-out, then you are at least giving your marriage a chance to be happy and satisfied.

Amy and I learned this lesson all too well on our honeymoon. I am the son of a world famous marriage and family expert (Dr. Gary Smalley) who has literally sold millions of books and videos on how to get along. So if anyone should have been ready for a healthy and vibrant marriage, it should have been me. At least that was what everyone was telling me, and I totally bought in to the idea. I bought in to the idea so well that Amy and I did not get premarital education before our wedding! We were young and cocky and our lack of education nearly cost us our marriage and it destroyed our honeymoon.

Embrace goes in to our story in a really crazy way, but I will at least mention here in the post that we ended our honeymoon early because of too much conflict. My feelings got hurt. Amy’s feelings got hurt. We did not know what to do about our constant fighting.

I need to pause here for a moment, because truthfully, Amy did try to tell me we should wait to discuss our conflict until we got home from the honeymoon, but I would not listen. I didn’t know any better. I wanted so desperately to resolve my hurt feelings, I was willing to destroy our honeymoon. You can not resolve hurt feelings (or buttons getting pushed) when on vacation or when you first get upset. We all need a time-out in order to cool down and to be able and think rationally about the situation.

The first major rule of a time-out is to call one when you are upset. Simply say, “I’m upset and I need a break before I can talk about this. Can we talk in an hour?” Now I know what you are thinking, “Isn’t a time-out just a way to avoid?” No. Avoidance is when you simply walk away from the discussion never to talk about it again. A time-out is different because you have to set a time-in. It is not a time-out unless you have a time-in. So before you walk away from each other, you’d better know the exact time you are going to walk back to each other.

Amy came up with a great little system that explains exactly what should happen during your time-out:

1. The first thing you do is let your spouse know that you need a time-out.
   (You might say something like, “I need a break.” “I’m about to say something I don’t mean.” “I don’t feel like this is going to a good place.”)
2. Now you negotiate a time to come back together and LUV Talk.
   (“I think I can talk in about 2 hours, is this okay with you?” “Can we talk about this in an hour?”)
3. The point is to negotiate a time that is agreeable to both of you.
4. Take the break and leave each other alone.
   (During the break, make sure you are thinking about y our part in the conflict. This is not a time to become more upset about your spouse. Try and think about how you could have handled the situation differently. For example things like your approach, tone of voice, nonverbals, defensiveness, or blaming.)
5. Before you come back together, ask yourself if you are ready to hear your spouse’s side of the conflict. If you are not, then reschedule another meeting time.
6. If you are ready to listen, then you can officially begin LUV Talk.
   (You will know you are ready when you are willing to listen and validate your spouse.)

This is how you take an effective time-out.  There is only one more thing I want to tell you before I’m done with part 2.  Never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever get in to conflict during fun time.  Date nights, vacations, family gatherings, school functions, etc. should all be sacred time and free from conflict.  I know you will do things from time to time during fun activities that will bother each other – call a time-out.  Do not try and resolve conflict during fun time.  Just call a time-out and say to each other, “I’m hurt right now, but we are out on a date, so let’s talk about this when we get home.”

Don’t give me any excuses about this final point.  We are not victims of our emotions.  We can tell ourselves to have fun even when things do not go our way.  The reason this last point is so important is because of the research of Dr. John Gottman.  He found a 5 to 1 positive to negative experience ratio with couples who are happily married.  If you protect fun time, then you can go for this 5 to 1 positive experience to every negative experience with each other.  If you reach this ratio, you will be happily married – which last I checked – was the goal of getting married in the first place.

If you want to check out the entire series on conflict resolution, just click.

1. The negative effects of divorce on children
2. Why marriage matters
3. Why marriage education works

Just click on any of the titles above to download the PDF.  I want to be clear that I am not someone who hates people who divorce.  I try to love everyone, no matter what their past is or no matter how they have hurt themselves or others.  I help people who’ve never been divorced, those who are divorced, and even those who are on their 6th, 7th, and 8th marriages. Everyone deserves to be loved and to experience unconditional acceptance and grace.

What gets me angry, however, is when people try to downplay divorce, especially those people who have been divorced. Divorce stinks and it does have negative effects on children and society as a whole. In my opinion, the only valid reasons for divorce are the following:

• Affair/s have taken place and the spouse has not been loyal to the marriage vows.
• Your life has been threatened (i.e. “I am going to kill you.”) or you are being physically abused (i.e. bruising, cuts, etc).
• Emotional abuse is taking place (i.e. “You are so *&*^%$ stupid! I hate you! You are worthless!” In other words, very serious character assassinations.) I have experienced individuals who have tried to use this term unfairly because they are stressed out with their spouse.  Do not use this term lightly, and you should have your relationship evaluated by a professional psychologist before claiming emotional abuse.

Outside of these reasons, I can’t seem to agree with couples getting divorced.  Telling me that you’ve “fallen out of love” is bogus.  Saying that “you just don’t love her anymore” is bogus.  It is not smart to get divorced because you are not getting along.  The reason this is not a good idea is because your next marriage will have the exact same issues.  This is why second marriages have an even higher divorce rate!

Momlogic’s Jackie got steaming mad when Ryan Seacrest told a married father of four, who claimed he was in an emotionally abusive marriage, to leave his wife. Here’s what a relationship expert has to say.

Dr. Michelle Golland: Married but having problems? The best advice is not to divorce, but to go directly into couple’s counseling. I have seen the most damaged and difficult marriages work out and become stronger and healthier than they ever were in the past.

All marriages struggle, but if you have children, they deserve to live in a home free of conflict and anger. This will not end when you divorce, but will most likely increase when you separate and divorce. You will still both be the same people who entered into the marriage and will continue your personal dysfunction in your life apart unless you do some personal work in therapy.

If you are in the battlefield of a difficult marriage, it can seem like you spend most of the day avoiding minefields. The problems seem so overwhelming that they seem impossible to sort out, especially when each partner has created their war chest of hurts, anger, and resentments. Most unhappy marriages begin in the same way and follow a downward spiral that seems to end in the inevitable sadness of divorce. You are not alone: More than half of all marriages end in divorce, and 60% of second marriages fail also. What is frightening is many people can’t understand why.

John Gottman, Ph.D., has coined the phrase the “four horsemen.” These are destructive ways of interacting that directly sabotage any relationship. As each of these become more entrenched, they contribute to the ever-rising negativity in the relationship.

read the rest here Why Divorce Isn’t Always the Answer | Momlogic.

No one likes divorce, especially a guy who works very hard at helping couples to avoid it. But there are literally millions of couples and families dealing with the hurtful effects from divorce, and I need to do a better job reaching out and posting specific articles, research, and other helpful tips for couples who want to be successful in their second (or more) marriages.

Our intensive program is full of couples who are on their second marriage. Even though I have not experienced divorce myself, I do get the chance to work many hours with the effects and special issues of second marriages and stepfamilies through our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.

How do you ensure a successful second marriage? Easy. Work. Education. Work. Patience. Work. More education. Lots more work. And tons of grace. I’m not trying to be goofy, but the very real reality is that second marriages have an even higher divorce rate than first marriages. My simplified understanding to this problem is because of the amount of hurt, conflict, and stress the second marriage begins with.

If you want to be successful at your second marriage then you are going to have to put in the time to love each other well and learn each others’ love language (check out Gary Chapman’s book on this). But here are three concrete things you can do to make your second marriage a success:

1. Recognize what you did wrong in the first marriage and fix that immediately.
   You were not perfect, even if you were only at fault for 20% of the problems in your first marriage, you need to spend 100% of your time fixing that 20%.  Whatever dysfunction you had in the first marriage will not magically disappear in your second marriage.  Negative patterns and behaviors have a way of repeating themselves.  Your new marriage will have its own set of issues, so please do not bring in old issues.
2. Learn new ways of dealing with hurt feelings (LUV Talk), anger (LUV Talk), and unmet expectations (LUV Talk).
   LUV Talk is our communication method that you can learn through Embrace, The DNA of Relationships, or Don’t Date Naked and More than a Match.  When things go wrong you need a strict way of communicating feelings and needs.  You need a system to follow in order to keep the conversation safe and productive.  But let me just say this, one of the greatest things you can do when you experience a negative reaction is to simply take a time-out.  This is not permission to withdraw or avoid, but simply permission to say something like, “I am really upset right now and I need about an hour to calm down.  Can we talk in an hour?”
3. Give your stepchildren a break and simply take a big breath.
   One of the most stressful things about a second marriage are the stepkids.  This is not a slam on stepchildren, but rather a reality of second marriages.  Kids from divorce usually do not like the fact that their parents got divorced.  This anger and sadness carries itself in to the stepfamily.  Relax.  Give the kids room to be hurt and upset.  Work on validating any feelings or needs that come out (even if they do it unfairly or angrily).  They need time to adjust to the new family and forcing them to like the new parent will never work out in your best interest.

Well what do you think?  Do these three ideas seem possible?  You can make a second marriage work, it just takes work.  Do not give up, another divorce is only going to make things even more difficult and more painful.  You can do this and you will if you work at becoming more loving and caring toward your spouse and children.