1. Expect problems and misunderstandings. Even the best communicators sometimes fail to understand others, or they fall short of making themselves understood. We’re all human. We don’t always follow through on what we know to be best. We don’t always use the proven techniques that we know work. Often we don’t even know for sure why we act or feel a certain way. Effective communicators expect problems and misunderstandings.

2. Expect that you’ll need a lot of patience. Effective communication takes time. You and the other person may not connect or get on the same wavelength on the first or second (or third or even fourth) attempt. Impatience can doom the goal of genuine understanding. Being in a hurry works against the commitment to care that is essential to all effective communication. How can you genuinely care for someone while you’re tapping your feet and reaching for the door?

Instead, relax. Be careful. Recognize that effective communication deserves patience and a deliberate attempt to understand not only the words being said but also the emotions behind the words. Slow down until you get that. It will make the communication much easier and much more effective.

3. Expect a lot of trial and error. People have different ways of communicating. While all of us can master and use a powerful set of tools for effective communication, the way we use those tools varies from person to person. We get the best use out of them by adapting them for our own style and personal bent—and that requires trial and error.

You didn’t give up on driving a car just because you felt a little intimidated the first time you sat behind the wheel, did you? You didn’t abandon your pursuit of reading when you choked on a few words from The Cat in the Hat, did you? You didn’t swear off all future attempts at tying your shoes when you bungled your first attempts, did you? Of course not. It takes trial and error to get good at any skill—and that includes the skill of communicating effectively.

You may make mistakes, but in the end the practice will pay off.

Will you keep trying, even when effective communication gets frustrating?

Maybe you’re a blamer. Frustrated with your job, you struggle through all of your relationships. You blame your problems on trivial things. Blaming others make winning almost impossible because arguments and fighting usually result.

I encourage you to resist making “you” statements such as, “You’re the one who needs to change,” “You should have warned me that our marriage was in trouble,” “You’re not the same woman I married,” and “You weren’t submissive enough,” as reasons for your behavior. These “you” statements are devastating, and they seldom improve your situation.

Using a statement such as, “You were just too sensitive,” stirs up more anger. As this happens, the blaming backfires and exposes your resistance to improve or change.

You are not at the mercy of those who push your buttons. They do not have to control how you react. You do not have to give them the power to determine what you think or what you do. You must take control of yourself and your emotions. You must learn that blaming others for our insecurities and fears is a dead end.

When we stop blaming others for our shortcomings, we diffuse anger and resolve conflicts.

There are three main components to maintaining a relational balance in your life. Neglect or overlook any of the three, and you’ll soon be heading for trouble.

Receiving. To stay healthy, you have to receive from others. You need the help and assistance of others. To practice good self-care, you must learn to let the love of others penetrate.

Attending. Good self-care means that you must learn to attend to your own legitimate needs. That means that you have to understand what your emotions are telling you about your circumstances. Remember, your feelings provide information essential for effective self-care.

All of these sources—signals from the body, mind, and heart—provide helpful information that can guide and direct your self-care process.

Giving. You stop self-care from degenerating into selfishness. Why? Because you realize that you take care of yourself so that you have something to give to others.

Let me say it as strongly as possible: there’s no way that you can really take care of yourself without truly giving and serving others. If you’re not giving—if you’re focused only on receiving—then you’re working against your own best interests.

If your spouse gets upset because of something you did (or sometimes something you did not do) then all you have to do to legitemately calms things down, and literally suck the negative energy out of the conflict, is to validate.  What does it mean to validate?  My wife Amy has one of the greatest quotes on validation I’ve ever heard, “I love you more than proving myself right or proving you wrong.”  I have to give her the credit for that one!

Validation has nothing to do with facts, who’s right and who’s wrong, but rather validation is all about the feelings.  Feelings are never right or wrong, they just are.  If you have ever had your feelings hurt or experienced a negative emotion with someone, what do you want?  Ultimately you want to be validate that you are hurting and from that point on it can vary widely on  what needs to happen to ultimately repair the damage.  But the first thing people want is to simply be heard and validated for their experience.

If you want to instantly stop a fight and destroy the negative emotions, all you have to do is validate your spouse.  Let him know you understand and can see how you hurt him.  Let her know that what she is feeling is real.  If you go to facts (instead of validation) the argument will get worse and more ugly.  If you go toward validation, things will calm down immediately and you two will be able to have a rational discussion about whatever the conflict was about.

“Does crossing your arms indicate that you’re feeling defensive? Are shifty eyes the mark of a liar? There has been a significant amount of research on nonverbal communication and behavior, which has revealed a myriad of ways to communicate meaning without words. From the way we dress to the way we move, our nonverbal signals can reveal a great deal about our emotions, perceptions, and intentions, although many of these behaviors are so subtle that we rarely notice them consciously. The following article outlines some of the major types of nonverbal communication and behavior that have been described and studied by psychologists and other researchers. Learn more about Types of Nonverbal Communication.” (Types of Nonverbal Communication By Kendra Van Wagner, About.com)

What you can do is go to counseling.  There is a misconception about the need for both the husband and wife to attend counseling together.  This is not totally necessary.  You can experience incredible change simply by changing yourself.  Whatever dysfunctional pattern your marriages has adopted, when you finally start doing things differently, the pattern is permanently changed.