Most marriage, remarriage, and stepfamily books go to great lengths to show you how to invest in the other people in your family, how to give of yourself and pour out your own heart. That’s not our advice. At least not yet.

We believe that your journey towards feeling safe and having a healthy remarriage begins with taking care of your own heart first. What? That doesn’t sound very Christian, to put myself first, you might be thinking. But, yes, you read that right. Before you can love others effectively, you have to feel safe. And before you can feel safe, you have to know exactly how to take care of your own heart. When we share this truth, most people give us looks like we’ve just said something in a foreign language. (Which probably isn’t a bad analogy, because taking care of our own hearts is foreign to most of us.)

What about you? Did you grow up in a home where your parent(s) taught you how to care for your own heart—how to effectively deal with the hurt, pain and difficulties that came your way as a child, an adolescent, and as a teen? We honestly have never had anyone say, “Absolutely, my parents taught me precisely how to deal with my emotions—pain, anger, frustration, conflict, hurt, disappointment, fear, etc.—in only healthy ways.” Most of us didn’t learn how to do what King Solomon told us to do, which is to “guard our hearts.” As a matter of fact, if we heard that phrase at all, it was usually from our youth pastor when he was giving the sexual purity talk.

Certainly sexual purity is an important part of guarding our hearts, but it is only one part of the meaning behind Solomon’s words. We believe that guarding your heart is so much more than keeping pure sexually. It’s much more like watching the way those barn swallows guard their nests. It’s about learning what to do with painful emotions, how to heal after hurt, fear, frustration or disappointment. It’s about being a barn swallow for your heart, vigilantly caring about it and fiercely protecting it.

Maintain a close connection with God through prayer. Prayer is a great way to open your heart and keep it open.

You will never feel truly safe in any relationship until you are confident in your own ability to guard and care for your own heart. The foundation of a great marriage is an open heart, so that God’s love can flow through both hearts. Thus, it’s not selfish or self-centered but necessary and healthy to learn how to take great care of your heart. Only by investing in your own heart will you be able to keep it open, so that you can minister to your spouse’s hearts. Then both of you can help heal the rest of the hearts in your stepfamily.

QUESTION
My wife and I are constantly getting in power struggles. How can we get beyond this?

ANSWER
Can you name the devil’s greatest ploy to cause trouble in relationships? I’d like to suggest two words: power struggle. And why do power struggles cause us such trouble? It’s simple. In every power struggle, participants become adversaries; they take up opposing positions. And as soon as a husband and a wife set themselves up as antagonists, Satan can just fold his arms and walk away, because he knows they will destroy each other. He’s already accomplished his dirty work.

Many couples set themselves up for failure because, from the outset, the individuals face off as adversaries. This can be as subtle as insisting on “making a point.” Even if one member of the pair “wins” the point, it means an automatic loss for the relationship. If one person in the marriage “loses,” then both persons in the marriage lose. There is no other option.

Why is this so? It’s true because people in a marriage are on the same team. If one team member loses, every member of that team loses. If Jimmy and Bobby both play for the Lobos baseball team in a game against the Desperados, it is impossible for Jimmy to win and Bobby to lose. Either both win or both lose.

I encourage you to make a commitment to a new way of doing things and determined to abandon the failed, old model. This begins by establishing what our colleague Bob Paul calls a “No Losers Policy.” In a No Losers Policy, couples agree that it will never be acceptable, from this point on, for either of them to walk away from any interaction, feeling as if they had lost. Each spouse has to feel good about the solution.

Creating a No Losers Policy goes a long way toward creating the kind of relationships that yield joy and satisfaction rather than grief and frustration. It’s worked for my wife, Erin, and I, and it can work equally well for you, regardless of the type of relationship in which you apply it.

Q: My marriage struggles are keeping me up at night. I so bad want to roll over and tell my husband to go sleep in the other room. He is clueless how repulsed I am by his words and behavior. I am tired of losing sleep over him. My frustration is at an all time high and costing me rest. I want to sleep again. Please help!

A: The more I study Scripture the more convinced I become that God wants me to get a good night’s sleep. Worse than caffeine, unresolved anger and conflict has caused many sleepless nights for me.

Some allow their anger to turn to evil plotting and scheming about how they can get even the very next day. The prophet Micah pointed out the sleeplessness of the leaders of Judah calling them to integrity:

Woe to those who plan iniquity,
to those who plot evil on their beds!
At morning’s light they carry it out
because it is in their power to do it. Micah 2:1

Have you ever laid your head on the pillow with thoughts of revenge towards another? Your immediate answer may be “No.” But have you ever rehearsed a conversation in your head at night and think of a few more slams/arguments you could use to get even. You then lose sleep anticipating your arrival at work the next day. Unresolved anger is quick to plot evil late at night.

Maybe it is for this reason that God challenges us to “not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). It is as much for your wellbeing as it is for the wellbeing of the relationship.

A sound, peaceful, loving and forgiving spirit will give you great rest. If your anger permits you no sleep, and before you go out and spends thousands on a new mattress, turn your anger over to the Lord so that you can sleep. Follow the prescription from Proverbs 3:21-24:

My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment,
do not let them out of your sight;
they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble;
when you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

Are you going to allow yourself to rehearse the same emotional turmoil, or are you going to turn things around by recognizing that no situation is beyond God’s redemption. No matter what you’ve been through God can use you to bring healing to others—but only after you’ve experienced the healing yourself. You can read the complete explanation of this concept in my book, Change Your Heart, Change Your Life.

I work with couples, and many times I wish they had learned how to handle frustration early on in life.  If you are going to get married, you are going to experience frustration at some point.  It is just part of the game.  But I believe many people learn the exact wrong way to handle frustration, much like this skateboarder…

I am so grieved today by the lost opportunities for true happiness and love because one spouse didn’t see how bad the other was truly hurting. One partner finally wises up and it’s too late- what a shame. Can we promise each other that we will leave our hearts open for our spouses to change at any point God gives them the wake up call?

A marriage crisis is a faith crisis. I’m convinced of it more everyday. I am on my knees praying for you hoping you will listen to God’s wisdom and deep longing to understand your pain. God does see you, but do you see Him? If you are in a marriage and miserable then don’t give up, reach out and reach up. Reach out to someone who will first listen to you and try to understand what you are going through then challenge you to grow. Bitterness is never an option! Tell yourself you will not be bitter you will be better and your marriage can survive. Humble yourself before someone who cares.  First go to God- then a counselor or a mentor. Don’t go to the world for advice. Don’t revisit your old high school crushes on Facebook. You are in trouble! You become apart of the problem when you grow bitter. My heart goes out to you because that bitterness is born out of hurt and frustration and for that I am truly sorry. But please don’t shut your heart with bitterness. You are walling yourself off to your Healer and Deliverer. The warm blanket of anger I know full well. It seems like a comfort, like a release of care but it will strangle your life, your passion, and everything good about you.

Please love yourself enough to get help before you do loose hope.  In your darkest hours you hear a voice that calls out, “The change isn’t real.  You can’t be happy with your spouse.  It’s too late.” Oh my friend I’m so glad Jesus didn’t say that to the thief on the cross. As long as we have breathe and conviction we have an opportunity to truly live. Truly living is truly loving.  It is the hardest most fulfilling opportunity you’ll ever have.

Can you hear my pain? I need to know that someone has seen the other side. What do I tell these men and women who have admittedly blown it (not physical abuse, affairs or chemical dependence, personality disorder stuff, or just plain stupidity)? How long do they hang on? How long do they try to love their spouse well. How long do they stay out on the limb hoping the other person will see their change? If you have been through this and come out on the other side I want to hear from you. Tell me how to encourage them. I’ve tried validating feelings and challenging negative beliefs but it seems too late.

God help me find a way to make it through. There are so many children’s lives at stake. I know we have free will but why don’t we have compassion? I listen to these cold bitter people and my heart breaks for them because they are hurting too but they don’t see the light. They don’t see joy on the other side of the pain. Let me hear from you. How can I pray for you? Please if you have gone through this post your response.

Understanding why you fight is half the battle; actually, it is the battle when it comes to conflict resolution.

The reason couples stress out, and eventually get divorced, is because they don’t know what it is they are arguing about.  Couples usually believe they are arguing about finances, children, parenting strategies, affairs, chores (or the chores not being finished in the case of my house).

But these things are not why couples argue, couples argue because of core relational fears, or core fears.  Core relational fears are at the very heart of conflict.  They are at the deepest level of your hurt and they drive your anger and your frustration in your arguments with each other.

I want you to download this list of core relational fears, or core fears, and print this list out and put it in your wallet or your purse.  The next time you get upset about something and experience a negative feeling (fear, frustration, or hurt) I want you to pull this list out and pick which word (or words) that stands out the most to you at that moment.  Which ever word, or words, that stands out the most to you at that moment is your core relational fear.  The word you choose is what I want you to discuss from that moment forward.  Nothing else is as important as the feeling words on the list you can download from this post.

If you are discussing any other thing than the core relational fears list you can download from this post, you are just wasting your time arguing about meaningless things.

Q: My wife and I need help getting on the same page. With each step in this marriage it feels like we are going in opposite directions. We live in constant frustration towards each other. Please help.

A: (Part 2 of 4)

We are taking an entire month to answer the above question. The goal of this time is for you to discover your spouse’s personality type and learn many ways to understand and appreciate him or her. I want to encourage you to go back and review Part 1 if you have not already done so.

This week we are looking at THE PLEASER PERSONALITY (also called the Golden Retriever)

The Pleaser Personality is warm and relational. They tend to be extremely loyal. They maintain a sense of calmness in the most stressful of situations and they have a knack for being natural peacemakers. The Pleaser Personality is often concerned with group dynamics and the atmosphere of the room. More than anything they want to make sure that everyone and everything is good.

The world is a better place because of Pleaser Personalities. They tend to be the ones who are the glue that hold people and organizations together. They are quick to welcome, serve, and embrace others. Without Pleaser Personalities, it would be hard to build a strong community.

My pastor’s wife, Amy, exhibits many traits of the Pleaser Personality. She is a natural servant and loves people. She’s warm, relational and impressively loyal. In addition, she is extremely sensitive to make sure everyone feels like they’re a part of whatever we’re doing.

Holidays and family are synonymous around the Cunningham home. Year after year, Amy rises to the occasion and overwhelms her family with her ability to make every person feel extra special. She knows how to throw great parties. Whether she entertains two or 20 people at a party, she always ends the night by asking this simple question: “Do you think everyone had a good time?” She wants to make sure bonding took place and everyone felt connected and special.

PLEASER PERSONALITY
Relational Strengths:
Warm and relational.?Loyal.?Enjoys routine.?Peace-Maker.?Sensitive to others feelings.

Strengths Out of Balance:
Attract the hurting.?Missed opportunities.?Stays in a rut.?Sacrifices own feelings for harmony.?Easily hurt or holds a grudge.

Communication Style:
Indirect.?Two-way.?Great listener.?Weakness: Uses too many words or provides too many details.

Relational Needs:
Emotional security.?Agreeable Environment.

Relational Balance:
Learn to say “NO”…establish emotional boundaries.?Learn to confront when your feelings are hurt.

The theme of Amy’s life is “let’s do this together!” When it comes to a task, the Precise Personality will make sure the job gets done right and on time. The Pleaser Personality will not focus on the job as much as the relational aspect and making sure everyone is a part of the task. The Pleaser Personality wants everyone to feel part of the team.

PLEASER PERSONALITY EXPECTATIONS:

• Let’s do everything together
• Let’s meet each other’s needs
• Let’s have plenty of conversations
• Let’s stay in harmony

One of the struggles of the Pleaser Personality is that they can inadvertently wear their heart on their sleeve. Because they care so much about relationships, they can get emotionally involved. They usually need time to go home and mull things over and then will return asking, “What exactly did you mean by that?” The Pleaser Personality is so concerned with others, that they tend to second-guess their responses as well as others.

Tips to Getting Along with the Pleaser Personality: Be cautious of their feelings. They can be taken advantage of easily, so work at valuing their loyalty. If your spouse does not embrace all of your friends, it’s not because they are bad people. They prefer to go deep with fewer people. Don’t expect them to be a party mixer. Invite them to join you for dinner dates with associates rather than always going to the large group gatherings.

Tips to Getting Along if you’re the Pleaser Personality: You must be careful not to wear your heart on your sleeve. People, including your mate, may take advantage of that. Release past hurt. Let your spouse off the hook for past mistakes. Learn to make decisions in the midst of uncertainty about what is best for everyone. Branch out and meet new people.

Next week we will look at THE PARTY PERSONALITY (also known as the Otter)

Q: My wife and I need help getting on the same page. With each step in this marriage it feels like we are going in opposite directions. We live in constant frustration towards each other. Please help.

A: (Part 1 of 4)
There’s a lot of truth to the old adage that opposites attract. Because your personality is different from your spouse’s you approach and respond to situations and people differently. That’s why it’s so important to understand personalities—not just your own, but also your spouse’s. When you understand the way you’re both wired, then you’re less likely to cross wires and cause hurtful issues in your marriage!
Odds are that if you’ve been experiencing conflict or frustration in your marriage, it’s a direct result of not understanding and appreciating how God made your spouse.

Since I do not know you’re the personality types of you and your wife, I want to take the next several weeks to walk through each of the four main personality types and give you some tips for dealing with each personality. Make it your goal to discover your wife’s personality, or personality blend, and find ways to appreciate the way she approaches life.

Let’s start with THE PRECISE PERSONALITY (also called the Beaver Personality)

The Precise Personality loves analyzing. They pay attention to statistics. They enjoy keeping a budget and balancing the check book. They love measuring and comparing things. For the precise personality, most issues are clearly black or white. The precise personality is constantly evaluating. They’ll happily tell you what you’ve done wrong and how you can do it better.

The world is a better place because of Precise Personalities. They make sure that there’s order in life. They make sure the guardrails are in place so people don’t hurt each other. And precise personalities make sure organizations run effectively and efficiently.

My wife, Norma, has a precise personality. She naturally expects that we will always do things the right way at the right time. I love this about her—except for those moments when I go to the ATM and forget to grab the receipt. Or those moments when she schedules dinner with friends and I decide to replace the brakes on the car at the last minute—making us late! Or those moments when she carefully organizes the closet and I haphazardly throw my things in.

Years ago we were audited by the IRS for the first time and Norma got all excited. You know why? She was convinced that after all the scrutiny was done, they would award her a blue ribbon. I love that about her! Precise personalities tend to love order, structure and timeliness.

Norma doesn’t like to admit this, but she is energized and excited after a two-hour phone call with American Airlines organizing our next trip. I really couldn’t do ministry without her! Since I am the dreamer and Norma is the dream maker, we do function as a well oiled machine. Together we can accomplish so much more than we could do apart. But, it’s important to add that it can take a few hours or days to start the machine with each new project we do together. We accept and honor each other’s differences, but it can certainly become too slow for me getting started up. She wants to wait until all of the “ducks” are lined up. And who decides how many ducks are necessary in the first place…. Norma.

PRECISE PERSONALITY
Relational Strengths:
Accurate and precise.?Quality control.?Discerning.?Analytical.

Strengths Out of Balance:
Too critical or too strict.?Too controlling.?Too negative of new opportunities.?Lose overview.

Communication Style:
Factual.?Two-way.?Great listener (tasks).?Weakness: Desire for detail and precision can frustrate others.

Relational Needs:
Quality.?Exact expectations.

Relational Balance:
Total support is not always possible.?Thorough explanation isn’t everything.

The Precise Personality has many strengths. They tend to be detailed, accurate, analytical, and sensitive. They are generally great with numbers; they are great with keeping your company, your organization, your church, your family on task.

PRECISE PERSONALITY EXPECTATIONS:

• Let’s do everything right and in order
• Let’s be on time to appointments and family events
• Give me ALL the details in the conversation
• Don’t lie about the facts (I just say I’m leaving out some details so that the story is more interesting.)

Now there are areas where you can get out of balance with this personality. You can become a perfectionist. Or become driven by doing everything so well that you never move forward on decisions creating “paralysis by analysis”.

Tips to Getting Along with the Precise Personality: Recognize that they just want you to honor all of their questions. They want you to answer them in the most detail that you can. Honoring detail builds intimacy in a marriage with the precise personality. Going the extra mile to complete a project the “right” way says “I value you” to your mate.

Tips to Getting Along if you’re the Precise Personality: Remember that you may have to move forward without having everything figured out perfectly. You may need to complete the project or household chore even though it’s not perfect. Even when it feels uncomfortable, you need to risk or embrace adventure. Do not expect your spouse to share every detail of the day. And by all means, he or she is not lying when details get left unsaid. Stretch yourself by not taking yourself or life too seriously.

Next week we will look at THE PLEASER PERSONALITY (also known as the Golden Retriever)