A: The more I study Scripture the more convinced I become that God wants me to get a good night’s sleep. Worse than caffeine, unresolved anger and conflict has caused many sleepless nights for me.

Some allow their anger to turn to evil plotting and scheming about how they can get even the very next day. The prophet Micah pointed out the sleeplessness of the leaders of Judah calling them to integrity:

Woe to those who plan iniquity,
to those who plot evil on their beds!
At morning’s light they carry it out
because it is in their power to do it. Micah 2:1

Have you ever laid your head on the pillow with thoughts of revenge towards another? Your immediate answer may be “No.” But have you ever rehearsed a conversation in your head at night and think of a few more slams/arguments you could use to get even. You then lose sleep anticipating your arrival at work the next day. Unresolved anger is quick to plot evil late at night.

Maybe it is for this reason that God challenges us to “not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). It is as much for your wellbeing as it is for the wellbeing of the relationship.

A sound, peaceful, loving and forgiving spirit will give you great rest. If your anger permits you no sleep, and before you go out and spends thousands on a new mattress, turn your anger over to the Lord so that you can sleep. Follow the prescription from Proverbs 3:21-24:

My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment,
do not let them out of your sight;
they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble;
when you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

Are you going to allow yourself to rehearse the same emotional turmoil, or are you going to turn things around by recognizing that no situation is beyond God’s redemption. No matter what you’ve been through God can use you to bring healing to others—but only after you’ve experienced the healing yourself. You can read the complete explanation of this concept in my book, Change Your Heart, Change Your Life.

A marriage crisis is a faith crisis. I’m convinced of it more everyday. I am on my knees praying for you hoping you will listen to God’s wisdom and deep longing to understand your pain. God does see you, but do you see Him? If you are in a marriage and miserable then don’t give up, reach out and reach up. Reach out to someone who will first listen to you and try to understand what you are going through then challenge you to grow. Bitterness is never an option! Tell yourself you will not be bitter you will be better and your marriage can survive. Humble yourself before someone who cares.  First go to God- then a counselor or a mentor. Don’t go to the world for advice. Don’t revisit your old high school crushes on Facebook. You are in trouble! You become apart of the problem when you grow bitter. My heart goes out to you because that bitterness is born out of hurt and frustration and for that I am truly sorry. But please don’t shut your heart with bitterness. You are walling yourself off to your Healer and Deliverer. The warm blanket of anger I know full well. It seems like a comfort, like a release of care but it will strangle your life, your passion, and everything good about you.

Please love yourself enough to get help before you do loose hope.  In your darkest hours you hear a voice that calls out, “The change isn’t real.  You can’t be happy with your spouse.  It’s too late.” Oh my friend I’m so glad Jesus didn’t say that to the thief on the cross. As long as we have breathe and conviction we have an opportunity to truly live. Truly living is truly loving.  It is the hardest most fulfilling opportunity you’ll ever have.

Can you hear my pain? I need to know that someone has seen the other side. What do I tell these men and women who have admittedly blown it (not physical abuse, affairs or chemical dependence, personality disorder stuff, or just plain stupidity)? How long do they hang on? How long do they try to love their spouse well. How long do they stay out on the limb hoping the other person will see their change? If you have been through this and come out on the other side I want to hear from you. Tell me how to encourage them. I’ve tried validating feelings and challenging negative beliefs but it seems too late.

God help me find a way to make it through. There are so many children’s lives at stake. I know we have free will but why don’t we have compassion? I listen to these cold bitter people and my heart breaks for them because they are hurting too but they don’t see the light. They don’t see joy on the other side of the pain. Let me hear from you. How can I pray for you? Please if you have gone through this post your response.

The reason couples stress out, and eventually get divorced, is because they don’t know what it is they are arguing about.  Couples usually believe they are arguing about finances, children, parenting strategies, affairs, chores (or the chores not being finished in the case of my house).

But these things are not why couples argue, couples argue because of core relational fears, or core fears.  Core relational fears are at the very heart of conflict.  They are at the deepest level of your hurt and they drive your anger and your frustration in your arguments with each other.

I want you to download this list of core relational fears, or core fears, and print this list out and put it in your wallet or your purse.  The next time you get upset about something and experience a negative feeling (fear, frustration, or hurt) I want you to pull this list out and pick which word (or words) that stands out the most to you at that moment.  Which ever word, or words, that stands out the most to you at that moment is your core relational fear.  The word you choose is what I want you to discuss from that moment forward.  Nothing else is as important as the feeling words on the list you can download from this post.

If you are discussing any other thing than the core relational fears list you can download from this post, you are just wasting your time arguing about meaningless things.