For marriage choices it narrows down to two critical things every married individual must exercise: unconditional love and personal responsibility. Unconditional love means you accept and cherish your mate as he or she is. Personal responsibility means you take charge of correcting your own faults instead of your mate’s. That, in a nutshell, is it. Intimacy, happiness, growth, communication and all the other vital aspects of a good marriage grow out of these two choices. If both partners recognize this fact, there will be no victims in the marriage. Each person’s happiness will rest entirely in his or her own hands. And the end result is the safety and security that every marriage must have in order to thrive.

Do you believe this? Really believe this? Since it’s my contention that all behavior is a result of what we believe, this is a crucial question. Do you believe that you can take personal responsibility for the success of your marriage? If you don’t, then you must believe the opposite—that your spouse or circumstances are in control of what happens to you. You must believe that you are a victim. Therefore you must react and put the blame on your mate when the marriage does not meet your expectations. This is a tragedy, because when you blame your mate you not only divest yourself of your responsibility, you also reduce the choices you have to change the relationship. You forfeit the ability to control your own destiny.

So if you want your marriage to be the most exciting and rewarding journey of your life, the question to ask is not whether your mate is doing enough to make the marriage work, but rather: Are you loving your mate unconditionally by taking responsibility for your role in the relationship? A good way to turn this intention into a commitment is to make a promise of it. Promise to look at yourself first, to take responsibility for your own part of the marriage, and to stop trying to change your mate. Such a promise puts legs on unconditional love. It says you are willing to put your personal dreams and needs on hold for a while and make what’s best for the relationship a priority.

Hamming it up, I told the young kids to give me a count down. Five…Four…Three…Two…One…Blastoff! I turned the ignition and away from the dock we flew like a rocket ship from its launch pad. I overheard the five-year-old boy say to his father, “This is the coolest boat on the lake!” I loved it. I was in boat heaven. But then something happened; the engine stopped and we started losing speed.
“Don’t worry everyone; I’ll have this fixed in a second.” I turned the ignition key several times and the engine roared back to life. Once again we were off. But then it happened again. The engine died. What was going on? This pattern of the engine starting and stopping went on for the next few minutes. I checked the gas level, oil, and anything else I could possibly think of to create the illusion that I knew what I was doing. But no matter what I did, shortly after I’d get the engine running, it would die.

“Why won’t this boat work!” My voice boomed across the lake. I was completely frustrated and totally embarrassed. “Nothing is made with quality any more.” I wanted to sink that stupid boat right then and there, but I figured that drowning a missionary wouldn’t help my reputation.

That’s when Greg said, “Hey, Dad, what’s this cord for? Every time I pull it, the engine stops.” And then he started laughing. That cord was the emergency engine kill. I had been ready to blow up my boat, while all along it had been Greg playing a practical joke on me. At that moment I understood how it was possible for Abraham to place his son upon an altar.

For a boat, or anything electrical to function as it was designed, it needs to be connected to a power source. If human relationships are to function as they were designed, they too need to be connected to a power source. It’s as if you have a built-in battery that needs daily charges to keep you feeling complete and satisfied. For a long time I believed that I could keep that battery charged if I just plugged a 110-volt electrical cord into other people or my wife. Many of us enter marriage looking to our mate as the source of that power charge. We think, “Now that I have this person in my life, I am really going to have my needs met and be happy.” We ultimately find, however, that our mates cannot recharge our battery. Indeed, husbands and wives can be frustrating and irritating and drain away more emotional energy than they give. Our mates can be tremendous sources of help and encouragement, but if we expect them to be the source of our happiness, they are sure to disappoint us in the long run.

When coming face-to-face with this inevitable disappointment, many people assume they must have married the wrong person. Some may resort to an affair to recharge their battery. The stolen charge may light up the circuits for a moment, but after the glow fades they will feel emptier and more miserable than before. Even if they divorce and remarry the “right person,” they will encounter the same frustration. The problem is not in the person they marry; it is in their expectations that that person will make them happy and keep them charged day after day. Wrong.

Sooner or later we run headlong into an inescapable fact: no person on earth is capable of giving us the fulfillment we crave. We can never plug in to enough people to keep our lives filled with the happiness we want. It’s no wonder so many people consider suicide as a way out. By depending on people to make us happy, we not only miss the positive emotions we crave, we also saddle ourselves with the very negative emotions we want to avoid—deep frustration, disappointment, hurt feelings, worry, anxiety, fear, unrest, uncertainty, and confusion. These emotions are the inevitable result of depending on a person, place, or thing for your fulfillment. Bottom line: We’re just not wired to plug into other people as our power source. God made a way for us to find fulfillment and true happiness. God created us. God designed us for a relationship with Him. But the power cord must be connected through His son Jesus Christ. Jesus himself said he was the way to connect to God.

These images of love leave us with serious myths, such as:

• Passion equals love. Most people love something that is new.
• My lover should meet all my needs. This is impossible and the reverse is true. No human can meet your needs. Only God can do that.
• Once love dies, you can’t get it back. The emotion of love may get blasted by words and hurt but the commitment of love should be rock solid.
• Chemistry is all that matters. Chemistry should be the last thing you trust.
• Love conquers all. God love conquers all but our love is not consistent.
• When things get tough, it means you have the wrong partner. This is the most selfish kind of love. Giving love is not dependent on your partner’s response. Certainly people would have been the wrong partner for God but He loved us in spite of our flaws.
• My lover should make me happy. True happiness can only come from God. People are not capable of providing happiness.
• Once in love, you stay on a high forever. This myth puts incredible pressure on the other person. This is not genuine love.
• Love is a feeling, and you either have it, or you don’t. Love is a decision and you commit to honor and care for someone no matter what their response is to you.

These are all lies, or at best, gross misunderstandings of the true nature of love. The chemistry plays out. You eventually come off the high of infatuation. But that does not mean that love is dead. Not at all. In fact, it may be just beginning. It looks dead only because our expectations lead us to misunderstand the way love grows. It grows over time and through our commitment. The better we understand what love really is, the better we adapt to lives changes and keep that love alive.

Most married couples begin their marriage with lots of loving words and actions. Over time life gets busy and there may be words of affirmation but the actions don’t match the words. It’s important to remember that you thoughts generate your emotions. You get excited about the things you think about the most. Our emotions go on to motivate our behavior. So we should not only must you pledge to honor your mate by thinking positively of him or her in our mind; but we must also convey that honor through our words and actions.
There’s a story about a husband who was known to be a man of few words. His wife longed for a little romantic conversation, but it never came. One evening when he was engrossed in his newspaper, she asked, “Steve, do you still love me?” He replied, “I said I did when we married, didn’t I? If anything ever changes, I’ll let you know.” Then he went back to reading his paper. His wife was sad because her need, like any of us, was to be loved by her best friend.
Steve may have thought all the right things. He may have chosen to focus on his wife’s good qualities. He may have cherished her as a pearl of untold value. He may even have felt that all this meant he was honoring her. But clearly honor wasn’t getting across to her as long as he kept his feelings bottled up inside. Love is not really honor until it is expressed and demonstrated. Those positive emotions for your mate that you hold in your heart must somehow find their way out through your mouth. You’ll find it much easier and almost natural to speak more positive words after you finish chapter four.
Better still, those thoughts take on even more meaning when they are expressed in action. Show your love not only in what you say, but also in what you do. I’m reminded of a letter that one young man wrote to his girlfriend across town back in the days before automobiles were common. “I would climb the highest mountain for you,” he gushed. “I would swim the deepest river just to be where you are. I would fight alligators, lions, and tigers to be by your side. I would walk through fire just for the privilege of gazing into your eyes. And by the way, I’ll see you Saturday night if it doesn’t rain.” The wimpiness of this young man’s intention yanked the rug out from under his high-sounding words, and all the love they expressed tumbled into meaningless rubble. The love you give your mate is not just in what you choose to think. It’s not even in what you feel about him or her. You show love in actions.

Honor is a way of accurately seeing the immense value of a person made in God’s image. God created each one of us as a one-of-a-kind person with unique gifts and a unique personality. He sees each of us as precious and valuable because he sees the innate worth he built into us.
When God brought to Adam the newly created Eve in all her naked glory, can you imagine what he thought? Wow! When God said he’d give me a companion, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine anything like this. Man, what a treasure! Can you imagine the tingling thrill Adam must have felt the moment he first touched her?
Now, think back. Didn’t you feel the same way when you married your mate? Didn’t it feel as if you had discovered a cave filled with priceless gold, silver, diamonds, and sparkling gemstones? And it was true. When you married, you received a treasure of unfathomable worth. You will never be able to understand all the wonders God has given you in your marriage partner. Just the physical differences alone are unimaginable. The cells, organs, hormones, features, and shape all combine into a magnificent being who has value above that of the angels. As the scriptures say, “You are a marvelous creation, a spectacular wonder with splendor above the worth of all creation.” Adam was right to gape in wonder when he first saw Eve. You were right to gape in wonder when you married your mate. And maintaining that wonder is critically important, because it means you are still finding in your husband or wife reasons for honor.
Picture your mate as personally autographed by God. Wouldn’t you feel thrilled to be seen with someone who bore God’s personal autograph? Wouldn’t you want to have your picture taken with such a person and hang that picture in a prominent place on your wall? Once you start thinking like God and realize the supreme value of that other person in your life, your treatment of him or her will be much like bending your knee in the presence of a highly honored person or giving a standing ovation to a soloist after an outstanding concert. When you look for the good and the honorable in your mate, you will find it, because it is there. God instilled his glory into each one of us.
Adam and Eve’s value was enormous as shown by God’s creation and love for them, but sin changed all that because they “showed God by their actions” the age-old, basic sin of all mankind, “God, we don’t trust your ways any more; we’ll go our way and you go yours.” But by taking this action, they tarnished the glory that God had built into them in the same way that rust ruins the glistening sheen of steel. C.S. Lewis reminded us, however, that the original glory is still there, lying just beneath the surface of every human, waiting for the day it will again be brought into the open. He said that in all our everyday dealings with each other, we must “…remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship. There are no ordinary people.” When we look at each other, it’s all too easy to see only the rust on the surface—the irritating habits, the failures, the broken promises—and forget that beneath the tarnish the true steel is still intact. All the glory that God created into us is still there, waiting for the moment when that coating of sin is scoured away. As we are transformed more and more into his image, we actually start looking more and more like him and reflecting his loving nature.
You can learn to see this inner, godlike glory that God’s own hand infused into your mate. It may not be easily visible at first, but when we look past the failures and weaknesses and affirm the immense value he created into every one of us, we see that honoring each other is appropriate. When I choose to look at the inner value of my wife, I’m simply looking at her as God looks at me. And I’m so very glad he sees me as he does. I would cringe to think that he sees only my weaknesses and judges me by my stumblings and bumblings. Instead he sees my potential, my innate worth, complete with all the godlikeness he instilled into me originally. Honor is so simple, really. All we need do is look at each other as God looks at us. When you develop that kind of honor for your mate, you help create a secure environment in which great relationships can flourish.
The Apostle Paul encouraged the early Christians to build their relationships on this kind of honor when he wrote, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor” (Romans 12:10).

My all time favorite comic strip is the one from Peanuts where Charlie Brown attempts to kick a football held by Lucy. But she always jerks it away at the last minute, causing poor Charlie to fall flat on his back. Each year Lucy promises Charlie Brown that this time she will keep the football on the ground so he can kick it. Each year Charlie Brown is doubtful. He wavers. He remembers all the times that Lucy has yanked the football away. Each year Lucy gives Charlie plausible, sincere explanations why this time it will be different. And each year Charlie Brown finally believes her, races determinedly across the yard, and falls with a thud when yet again Lucy yanks the football away.
If you are like me, you feel sorry for Charlie Brown. You also probably feel angry at Lucy. She’s really being unkind. But has it ever occurred to you that Charlie brown is being stupid? After all, he’s been falling for the same old trick for years. When will he ever learn? What is he thinking? Well, obviously he thinks that this time, at long last, Lucy will not jerk the football away. And when she does, what does Charlie Brown do? He blames Lucy! Now think about this for a moment. Who’s really at fault here?
I believe Charlie Brown is at fault. Here’s why. Who, in the final analysis, is the cause of the problem? It’s not Lucy. Lucy is not doing it to Charlie Brown. He is allowing this to happen to him. He hasn’t learned a thing in all the years Lucy has been snatching the ball away. Unless Charlie Brown decides for himself to stop trying to kick the football, nothing will ever change. But if he changes his behavior and stops trying to kick the ball, two positive things happen: He avoids disappointment and Lucy’s behavior changes. She has no choice. She won’t be able to take the football away.
Saying all this doesn’t make Lucy right; it just means that Charlie Brown’s happiness is always in his own hands. Happiness is always your choice, as we will see in a moment. When you feel unhappy or unfulfilled in your marriage, more than likely it means you have not done enough to create a secure environment where unconditional love can flourish. You need to focus your attention entirely on what you can do to become more loving—not on trying to change your partner—because that’s what will make the greatest difference in your marriage and in your happiness. As long as we focus on being right and in control, insisting on the appearance of being correct while making our spouse appear to be wrong, the secure environment in which love can grow will elude us.
You probably don’t want to hear this, but it’s true. If you are unhappy in a relationship, you’re the one who’s probably at fault. A strong statement? Absolutely. But if you can come to grips with the truth of it, it will change your marriage and your life.

This is the key to real, lasting love in your marriage: change yourself first and accept your mate unconditionally just the way he or she is. Then as you work with God to become more like Him, watch how your mate will eventually try to emulate you. But don’t do this just to change your mate; do it for yourself and for your own personal relationship with God. By taking responsibility for your actions and changing even small behaviors, you demonstrate unconditional love and thus create an emotionally secure atmosphere in which your marriage can thrive. Pushing your spouse to change in order to make you feel safer is hardly the way of unconditional love. When you want to change your mate, 99.99% of the time there’s a selfish motive behind it. Expecting him or her to change to meet your expectations is putting self first, and if your mate does the same thing, then you have two selves in conflict, each fighting to fulfill his or her own needs. The only way to improve the relationship is to shine the spotlight on yourself and expose your own faults and weaknesses. Your mate may not want to deal with his or her problems, but you will be surprised at how great an impact your own example can have when you choose to deal with your own. You must not give in to hopelessness and helplessness even if you are convinced that your partner is the real problem. Even if that is true, by changing yourself, you can affect things dramatically and positively. I can hardly wait for you to reach chapter 6, because there I’ll show you the easiest and fastest way possible to change anything about yourself.
Here’s why you will influence change in your mate when you change yourself. As one person makes changes, those changes have a ripple effect on the other simply because your lives are connected and interact at many levels. Over time, you and your mate have shaped each other’s behavior by consciously and unconsciously rewarding some behaviors and punishing others. Habits of behavior have been established. Patterns of relating ingrained. In every marriage these patterns cause the relationship to achieve a certain kind of complementary balance. I don’t mean it’s necessarily a formal balance with equality of happiness and responsibility on both sides. One partner may be very aggressive and even overbearing, while the other responds by becoming very passive and compliant. By balance I mean that the two partner’s attributes and responses adjust to accommodate each other. And they maintain some kind of equilibrium that way. Therefore, if one partner changes, the relationship changes, because the other automatically moves to adjust and maintain the balance.
So, when you take it upon yourself to change, you automatically change the balance of the marriage, and your mate must also change in order to maintain equilibrium. Even the slightest change is like adding a weight to one side of the balance. Your partner will sense the imbalance, feel uncomfortable, and adjust. I’ll admit that now and then the partner’s adjustment is for the worse. But not usually. When you make a truly positive change, it’s highly likely that the corresponding change your partner makes will also be positive.
There are two kinds of changes you can make to improve a relationship: you can either increase pleasure or decrease pain. To put it in behaviorist’s terms, you can eliminate undesirable behaviors or increase desirable ones. The latter approach is not only more effective, it’s also easier. It’s much easier to do more of something a partner likes than to stop doing something he hates. And research indicates that this approach works better. Adding loving behaviors will reduce annoying ones.
Sometimes your mate may resist your new behavior. He or she might find even positive changes threatening simply because the balance has been upset. But if you persevere and remain consistent with your change, chances are excellent that your mate will eventually come around and change his or her behavior too, and most often in a positive direction. This is what I call the “principle of reciprocity.” When you do even simple random acts of kindness, such as back rubs, washing the dishes, giving flowers, or making a favorite dessert, your partner is likely to respond in a positive way. Your behavior influences your mate’s behavior, and your mate’s behavior rewards your behavior, making you want to reciprocate. It’s not a vicious circle; it’s a delicious circle.

All the behavioral skills in the world won’t pump life back into an ailing marriage if the couple doesn’t trust each other, if they don’t feel safe, unconditionally loved, valued, and understood. In fact, some couples I’ve counseled used their newfound communication skills to fight more effectively. Now, I’m not saying marriage skills aren’t helpful. I teach them frequently through seminars, interviews and books I have written. What I am saying is that unless couples feel emotionally safe, close, cherished, and respected, all the skill building books and conferences in the world will fail to help them build the kind of marriage God wants for them.

And just what is the secret to building this kind of marriage? Unconditionally love. Love without condemnation. It’s the hardest kind of love to give, but the one that brings all the blessings you can hold. Would you like one good reason why you should love that blundering, frustrating, badly flawed spouse of yours unconditionally? It’s simple…because he or she needs it. When a baby is born, we love that child because he needs it. When people are starving, we feed them because they are hungry. When a friend is in emotional distress, we comfort her. And that’s the reason Jesus expressed His unconditional love for us on the cross . . . because we needed it.

He didn’t require anything from us first. As He said, even “sinners” love the people who love them. The real test is how well we love someone who does not love us well. That is the true calling of Christ (Luke 6:32-33). A safe marriage is one in which each partner loves the other simply because he or she needs it. That is the best kind of love and the secret to a secure marriage.

On January 15-16, Gary Smalley and I will be hosting our 2nd annual Love and Laughter Getaway at the Chateau on the Lake in beautiful Branson, MO. We have invited back our good friend, Paul Harris, to give us some of that vitamin D. So many of you have asked if he would be back, and we have heard you plea. He’s back and with a whole lot more time to do his stuff this year. We’re also adding the Woodland Hills Family Church worship band to the day so we can worship together as well.

Gary will be speaking on how to play as a couple and how to give The Blessing to your spouse. I will be speaking on how to work through conflict with the theology of laughter and how to enjoy life with your spouse.

The cost for this event is $159, which includes one night’s stay (Friday night) and the event on Saturday (9am-3pm). If you would like to attend the event on Saturday without staying Friday night, then the cost is only $79.

Two ways to sign up…
1. Call (417)336-5452
2. visit us online at www.woodhills.org/llg

You can also become a fan of the Love and Laughter Getaway on facebook.

I look forward to seeing you there and can’t wait to take some of the medicine of laughter with you.

Blessings,
Ted Cunningham

As these thoughts raced through my mind, I recalled the many times she had told me how she needed to be treated in upsetting situations. I walked up to her, put my arms around her with a smile, and choked out the words, “I’ll bet you really feel bad. Let’s go into the house and talk about it. I don’t want you to feel bad for my sake.”

Inside, I held her for a minute without saying anything. She told me she had dreaded my reaction as much as the accident. “That’s okay, honey,” I said. “We’ll fix it. Don’t worry about it.” The longer I held her and the more I comforted her, the better we felt.

When we walked out to survey the damage, I realized it wasn’t as bad as it looked. The roof hadn’t splintered; the part that fell had sheared off neatly like a puzzle piece. All that was needed were some nails and a little paint. Within a few minutes, a friend had heard about the accident and had driven into my driveway with a pickup and tools; in an hour we had it completely fixed.

When we were finished, I thought to myself, A couple of hours ago I could have crushed my wife’s spirit, strained our relationship, and made her feel like an idiot … all over an hour’s work.

Even though I thought Norma would be the only one to gain from my understanding attitude, in the long run I actually benefited the most. The increased admiration and respect I received from her provided an even greater incentive to comfort her.

It is next to impossible to have an open heart, receptive to God’s will, if we are in serious conflict with others. God desires a sincere gift, not tarnished with unreconciled differences and past hurts. We are responsible to make sure people we have offended, or been offended by, are freed from the bondage’s of anger, vengeance, or hate.

So is anyone excluded from receiving our forgiveness? According to Matthew 5:44-48, even our enemies are worthy of forgiveness:

“But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”.What a verse! Again it touches on the very nature of our incredible God who is merciful and gracious to all. We are called to be perfect, “as your heavenly Father is perfect”. Understanding that we cannot be perfect while existing on this planet, the verse is calling us to strive for Christ’s perfection. Christ’s willingness to love those who were unlovable. To care for those who were prostitutes, thieves, and yes, even tax collectors. To forgive those who most offend us. Why our enemies? God knows how much unresolved anger kills the spirit within, and designs this command to help free us from eternal regret.

No one is to be excluded from our forgiveness. Some of the greatest verses exploring the complexity of forgiveness are Romans 12:14-21. We will quote the passage at length because of their foundational quality regarding forgiveness:

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live I harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary:
‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’”.We are encouraged to bless people who persecute us. To some Christians, and probably many nonChristians, this seems very masochistic. Bless our enemies! Sure, if we were Christ maybe we could pull that off, but we are human. Remember, being human means we are created in God’s image, therefore we have the capacity to pull this off. Trust in God that this humanitarian rule serves to better the human condition rather than defile it. Think of all the hate crimes that never seem to find a resolution. This idea of blessing reminds us of turning the other cheek. Evil begets evil and love begets love.

In the passage we also read, “In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head”. When I first read this passage I imagined that forgiveness and love toward those who hurt us is painful for the perpetrator. My mind wanted to believe that loving and forgiving made evil people suffer. However, this was not Christ’s message. In further study I learned the custom of placing hot coals on someone’s head was actually a kind gesture. A surprise to me! I’m not sure how I would receive someone placing hot coals on my head. But it was a different time.

Placing coals on someone’s head was helpful because it kept the weary traveler warm throughout the cold desert nights. It was a way of honoring someone. This is why we are commanded to forgive. Remember the “Golden Rule”? We need to do for others what we would want done to us. Would we want someone to refuse to forgive us because we sinned against him or her?

Here, a couple simply tries to avoid each other and when they do speak, it is usually shallow conversation or exchanging clichés. They say things like:

“How you doing?”
“I’m fine.”
“Please pass the salt.”

At this level, there is little discussion about life or each other.

The Second Level

Here, the couple is sharing basic facts about themselves or life in general. At this point, there is little risk in starting an argument. They say things like:

“It was sure hot today, wasn’t it?”
“Can you believe what the President did today!”

A couple tends to avoid “facts” that could lead to conflict.

The Third Level

Here, the couple is at a greater risk in starting an argument. At this level, they can share their opinions, concerns or expectations.

“You never listen to me.”
“You’re wrong and you know it.”
“If I had known how stubborn you are, we wouldn’t be married.”

It’s at this point that an argument can ensue. If the couple has not learned how to handle arguments at this level, they are at risk for becoming infected with one or all of the four relational “germs.”

The Fourth Level

The fourth level is achieved when a couple feels safe to share their deepest feelings and they treat each other’s feelings as very valuable. When one mate asks the other about his or her concerns, opinions, or an expectation, the one sharing is open, honest and responsible for his or her own feelings. They say things like:

“Tell me if this is right, you feel afraid for our daughter because she is getting her driver’s license.”
“It’s not that you mind me watching TV, it’s that you feel cheated that we don’t spend more time together.”
“I could be way off, but I feel sad when my parents don’t come by and see us like they used to.”

There is an atmosphere of honor, that is, the listener is trying to understand and validate what is being communicated. When we share our feelings, it is a person’s attempt to express his or her deepest needs. Conflicts usually reveal that a person’s feelings and needs are not being understood, validated or fulfilled.

The Fifth Level

Level five is different than previous levels because this is where a person feels safe to share his or her own deepest needs. Safety is of the utmost importance. Also, when a mate shares his or her deepest relational needs, there is a feeling that those needs will be understood and valued. They usually say things like:

“See if this is right. You need some alone time at night after work and it’s not that you don’t want time with me, it’s that you need to recoup?”
“Are you saying you need more tenderness when we talk? Describe tenderness. What does it look like to you?”
“Wait a minute, I don’t understand. Am I getting this right, you’re saying that we need to be saving more each month? What does that mean to you?”

Since feelings reflect whether a person’s needs are being met, a couple can honor each other as they move through the fourth level (feelings) into the fifth level (needs). For example, if a person has a need to be treated with tenderness, one might see expressions of frustration or hurt on the face of the offended person. Honor, at the fifth level of intimacy, would involve asking the offended person to share what is needed. If an environment of safety was established, he or she could express the need for more tenderness. The feelings of hurt, frustration or fear are reflections of a person’s deeper need for tenderness.

In conflicts or arguments, a couple can either move toward deeper intimacy or move toward the four relational “Germs.”

As you explain the list to your husband, remember to discuss one need at a time until you’ve covered each subject. Your husband may have trouble accepting the importance of some of your needs, so you may have to discuss the difference between men and women where sensitivity is concerned. But be sure to maintain the right attitude while explaining. When you appeal to him for understanding, avoid self-pity, jealousy, and whining. These approaches are repulsive to anyone, especially your husband.

Finally, as you begin to discuss your needs, be sure to use the salt principle when appropriate. Look for creative ways and times to share these needs. For example, you might want to write your husband a letter explaining a few of your deepest longings. Be careful not to accuse or imply failure on his part; just explain how you feel. Let him read it alone if he chooses. Be sure he can read it during a calm, tension-free time of the day.

The Worst Approach

One woman told me she was extremely discouraged about her husband’s lack of interest in her. He had a tremendous drive and interest in his work, his friends, his pastimes, but almost no interest in her or their children. She talked on and on about how much she had tried to get him to change. Nothing seemed to work. When I discussed it with her husband, I found she had continually confronted him with his failures as a husband. He said she always seemed to choose the wrong time to talk about their problems—”Just when I was trying to unwind.” To top it all off, she came across as a combination of prosecutor, judge, and jury. Just before he went to bed, just as he got home from work, almost anytime he “let down” around her, she started condemning and reasoning.

I began to see that she had what I call a “contentious spirit,” one that always contends for its own way. She was constantly pushing him into a corner, trying to make him see her point of view. Even the Bible describes the effects of a contentious woman. She drives out a man like the searing desert sun; she drives a man to the corner of a rooftop; she drips on a man like a steady rain (Prov. 25:24; 21:19; 27:15).

What perfect analogies. Around the house this woman’s habits were as annoying as a constant dripping—like a leaky faucet. Her contention was like the sun beating down on a wayfarer in the desert. No matter where her husband turned, he couldn’t get away from it. He found no oasis of relief because she continually reminded him of his failures. Finally, her actions forced him to the corner of the rooftop with nowhere else to go.

Want to know what brought him down off the rooftop in a hurry? His wife got rid of her contentious spirit. Consequently, she inspired a tremendous change in her husband. Today she describes him as a much more loving husband who meets her needs in ways she never even dreamed possible.

Explaining your feelings and needs is not the same as voicing complaints. One couple, who constantly bickered, determined to go through a whole week without voicing any criticism. Rather than argue, each time either of them became irritated, they wrote it down. Each time either was annoyed by the other’s failure, he or she wrote it down. They placed each “complaint” slip in one of two boxes, a “his” and a “hers” box. At the end of the week, they planned to open the boxes. He would read her complaints and she would read his.

Saturday night finally arrived, and he decided to go first. He opened the box and began to read the dozens of little notes, one at a time. His eyes reflected the hurt and disappointment in himself as he read the complaints. “You’ve been promising to fix the screen door for six months, and it’s still not fixed.” “You never put your socks in the dirty clothes.” “I’m getting sick and tired of having to pick up after you everywhere you go.” He was sincerely grieved by all the ways that he had offended his wife.

Then it was her turn. She opened the box and pulled out the first slip of paper. She read it with a lump in her throat. The next note brought tears to her eyes. Picking up three more notes, she read them quickly and began to weep. Every note in the box read, “I love you.” “I love you.” “I love you.”

Like many wives, you have been fooled into thinking that one day your complaints would finally remold your husband into the perfect mate. But I hope the example above clearly illustrates that unconditional love and tenderness, not complaints, can transform a cranky opponent into a humble, loving partner.

However, it is important to verbalize your feelings. One wife touched her husband’s heart with the note she wrote him. He actually changed his weekly schedule to include more time with her. The note read: “Many days I feel like a shining little red apple—one of the top ones in a barrel. Everyday you come by and choose one, but never me. Your hand comes close, sometimes you even lift me up, but always you choose another. I’ve got a little worm growing inside me, and each day I become less attractive. I long for the day that you choose me!”

In LUV Talk a couple follows the same basic actions that occur at the majority of fast-food restaurants. In this illustration, the wife first “places her feelings and needs order,” then her husband acts like the employee. He repeats what he heard her order. “Let me see if I heard you. You are saying that it’s very frustrating when I seem to ignore your feelings of fear when I don’t call to let you know I am safe.” She answers, “Yes, that’s how I feel.” Or she can make corrections to the order if he heard her incorrectly. He then responds by thinking or saying, “So, that’s who you are” (validation). He doesn’t have to agree with her or change any of his behaviors, or feel it’s somehow his fault that she is frustrated. That’s just the way she chose to react to her circumstances. After she feels understood and validated, it’s his turn to share his feelings or needs. Therefore, the couple reverses positions. Now the husband has a turn to respond to his wife’s order or place his own order. She becomes the restaurant employee in order to listen and validate his feelings and needs.

It has been scientifically proven that if a couple can speak to each other with honor, understanding and validation during an argument, the four divorce germs can be eliminated. However, there are very simple rules that must be followed when using “LUV Talk.”

Employee

Customer

L isten
U nderstand
V alidate
R epeat

Talk for yourself

Bite size phrases

Win/Win solutions

For more information on see the book Secrets to Lasting Love or the DVD series Secrets to Lasting Love