Tag Archives: happiness

A Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage – Introduction

Posted on October 6, 2010 by in Marriage

Chapter 01
Introduction

Their faces were filled with anguish as they approached us after one of our sessions at a marriage seminar. They wanted to smile, but years of unhappiness and regret had taken its toll on them. We saw their desperation, but we couldn’t have been more surprised by what the husband said first.

“Can you fix this marriage in 30 second or less?”

Wow. We would like to fancy ourselves as talented marriage consultants, but this guy was asking for a miracle; and he was serious. Thirty seconds or less? Are you kidding? But then it hit us, like Mike Tyson hitting Michael Spinks, but it took less than 92 seconds for us to come up with his answer. “You want to fix your marriage in 30 seconds or less? Then start with changing yourself and decide to be a loving, supportive, active, and growing husband.”

Not surprisingly, he didn’t take to our answer. This guy is like a lot of people in our country. America is no longer the land of the free and the home of the brave, but more accurately the land of the irresponsible and home of the no fault lawsuit; the demise of our relationships are the proof.

It’s about time we all start growing up. Being an adult does not mean things become easier, in fact, it really means things become more difficult because, as adults, we are responsible for all of our own actions and feelings. We can no longer be victims, like we were as children, but instead we must start assuming the freedom and power we have in Christ honoring life, which is the simple solution to a happy marriage.

I, Amy, remember a couple I worked with. They were committed Christians. They volunteered in their church. They had small children. Yet something was missing. We went through the intensive. They learned about communication, conflict resolution, boundaries, effective time-outs, validation, love languages, etc. Yet there was something about her that I could tell her spirit wasn’t open to her husband. I cry every time I think of them because they struggled and struggled. She struggled because she didn’t know what was wrong with her- was she depressed? Did she not have enough faith? Was there something wrong with him? The answer didn’t come right away.Slowly the clouds lifted in their lives. Their children have a mom and dad still together. So what made the difference? They both wrestled with their own demons, I mean issues. He took the lead in loving her with so much unconditional love it humbled me. He dug so deep to try to find her he became bloodied and bruised along the way but he found her. He wasn’t a doormat, he drew boundaries when needed but he gently offered her his love over and over again. God did an amazing thing in their lives. Slowly she began to open up. He first contacted me, almost holding his breath not wanting to move in fear she might run away again, and he shared he could see she was trying. This is an exert from an email I got from him, “Vulnerability and honesty have freed her from her cage that had grown so dark and so deep. Amy, I could have never imagined the beauty of the woman that had become locked in that box- beauty you could see. I often wish that you were right around the corner so that you could step into our family for a moment and see how God has used you. You battled like a warrior against satan’s dark grip and as a result, I pray, your effort will continue to ripple into many other lives. I am still truly amazed in God’s grace; He spared our family from destruction. He restored freedom and love.” Are you willing to fight the good fight? God is willing to look you squarely in the eye and give you the wisdom you seek to draw you into intimacy. Are you willing? It’s simple but it takes time and energy.

One of our favorite first lines when working with a client in an intensive setting is, “What brings you in today.” We’re not the first people to ask this question, but it does have special meaning for us. “What brings you in today” is at the heart of many people’s issues. How people typically respond to this question will tell us a lot of how successful they will be in getting helped. If they start listing a long line of issues about their spouse as the reason they are coming to one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives, then we know we are in a battle. The problem with your marriage, however, is not your long list of issues or complaints about your spouse. Honestly, it is the level at which each of you is willing to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage. Issues are just issues. Many times couples are stressed out in their marriage because neither is willing to do the right thing (unless the other is willing to do it first). Then there are other times when one spouse wants to work on their marriage but the other has checked out long before they reach our door. There is hope for both! Whether you are in marital limbo, crisis, or growth- God has a plan for you. His plan is to release you from captivity (Isaiah 42:7) and free you to live a life worthy of your calling (2 Thessalonians 1:11). When you keep your own personal growth your goal you will not fail. God will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronmy 31:6), even if a spouse does.

What brings you to reading this book today? Are you frustrated? Does your spouse not meet your needs like you want? Do you feel alone, rejected, or disconnected? Has life turned out to be one huge disappointing experience after another? What brings you to reading this book today?

Be careful with your answer. It’s an important question. If you answer, “My spouse… my child… my boss…” Then you’re not ready for the following pages. In fact, they might even upset the very core of your being.

This book is not about what your spouse must do so you can enjoy a satisfied and happy marriage. This book is about learning what YOU can do to help create an environment where a satisfied and happy marriage is possible.

We are not slaves to our circumstances. We have a choice. We do not blow-up at the car in front of us because they cut us off. Every reaction we display is our choice. Let us say this another way, we decide whether or not we are going to be upset, sad, frustrated, mad, or hurt.

We are in control of our own well-being and emotions. People, places, or things do not make us unhappy in life. We choose to feel unhappy as a result of what happens around us. We will address this concept in much more depth later on in chapter seven. But it is important to note here, at the beginning of this book. You can choose how you respond to circumstances.

We know you can not control what happens to you by other people. If you catch your spouse in an affair, your initial reaction will be your gut reaction. Your gut reaction is what’s natural to you. We are not talking about controlling what initially happens to you when faced with hardships or heartache. We are talking about controlling how you move forward and how you respond to tough circumstances.

Why can’t you wait just another day?

Posted on April 14, 2010 by in Intimacy, Marriage Tip

Patience.

The word of the day is patience.  I’ve been working with couples for almost 16 years now, and what I’ve realized over all this time is that too many couples quit before they can experience growth and healing.  Why can’t we wait for another day?  We can get so determined that life is over, our marriage is horrible, and nothing is ever going to change, that we forget there is always hope in Christ!

It is never too late, too long, or too anything.  Your marriage is worth the wait.  I know many of you are hurting, but if you focus on the hurting then your life will slow down and feel miserable.  If you focus on God and what you can do to change your circumstances emotionally without your spouse ever changing, then things begin to look up.  If you believe that your current level of happiness is determined by what your spouse does or does not do, then good luck! That is a recipe for disaster.

Our feelings are the result of our choices.  So choose to make it today.  Choose to stay in this marriage as long as it takes. Never give up, never stop trying to figure out a way to be a better spouse (especially if your spouse is misbehaving or being hurtful).  Of course I’m not talking to those people who are being abused physically or emotionally.  I’m talking to the majority of people who simply do not feel they can stay in a marriage any longer because they are not getting along or communicating well.

A great marriage is only great because two people were willing to stick it out through the tough times and were humble enough to learn (individually) how to be a better spouse. Am I being too harsh?  What do you think?

The Marriage Crisis in America

Posted on January 24, 2010 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Getting married, Marriage

Most couples enter marriage hoping to achieve happiness. And for each of us, that vision of happiness takes a different form. Maybe you longed to be whole or competed; to have perfect kids, and a family that everyone looks up to; to live securely and comfortably; to have someone always there so you wouldn’t feel lonely, abandoned, rejected, or sad. Your goal may have been to satisfy your sexual desires; for your mate to be the lover who would love you the way you always wanted to be loved. In other words, you expected to find your “soul mate” in your husband or wife
It may surprise you to hear me say that your marriage is in big trouble when you pursue these goals. If happiness or finding your soul mate is the objective, you are more than likely setting yourself up for failure and possibly facing years of hurt and frustration. When the marriage does not fulfill your expectations you’ll wonder if there is something wrong with you or with your mate. Sadly, a person may often ask, “Did I marry the wrong person?”
Disappointment hits most couples shortly after the wedding because each partner begins to see faults and chinks in the armor of the other. That new husband or wife really needs some work. It appears that she is far from ready to meet all his needs and expectations. Instead of being sold out to her ideas of marriage, he came with his own goals—expecting her to be sold out to his. So your goal of finding happiness in your soul mate must be put aside until you change your spouse into the person you want him or her to be. You buy into the myth that will not die—that if your mate would change just a few key things, your marriage would be great.
And it’s happening all around us. Marriages in America are in a horrendous mess. Although 93% of Americans rate having a happy marriage as one of their most important objectives in life, and more than 70% believe that marriage involves a lifelong commitment that should be ended only under extreme circumstances, couples marrying for the first time in the US continue to face a 40 to 50 percent chance of divorcing, with approximately two-thirds of these divorces occurring within five to seven years of marriage. Equally disturbing is that many distressed couples never divorce, remaining in unsatisfying and/or conflicted relationships. At least one researcher suggests that fewer than half of the marriages that avoid divorce can be described as truly happy.
• Rutgers sociologists Dr. David Popenoe and Dr. Barbara Defoe Whitehead confirm these grim facts in their report on marriage titled, The State of Our Unions—The Social Health of Marriage in America, showing that key social indicators suggest a substantial weakening of the institution of marriage.
Thanks to Hollywood characters and celebrities who promote the benefits of single parenthood, being a married parent is no longer viewed as the ideal for raising a family.
Could it be that marriage has diminished to a relationship entered for the sole purpose of meeting the sexual and emotional needs of each partner? I believe that is at the heart of the problem. Today the goal in marriage is personal satisfaction. “Will my needs get met? What’s in it for me?” And the biggest question of all: “Will it be pleasurable for me?” If the marriage no longer meets the personal needs of partners, they move on to the next relationship. So what’s the solution? I’m convinced that once we understand and commit to God’s purpose in marriage instead using it for self-satisfaction, serious marriage problems will diminish greatly.
Though it seems paradoxical, this means if you want a satisfying marriage you’ve got to forget about happiness. I don’t mean that you should want to be unhappy. In fact, I don’t think that’s possible. Everyone wants to be happy. And because we want so much to be happy, we naturally make happiness our goal and set out to find the things we think will make us happy. The problem is that happiness never comes when you make it the goal. It’s like a desert mirage. It shimmers invitingly in the sunlight until you reach it, and then poof!—it vanishes. You can’t go to happiness; happiness must come to you. And it only comes as a by-product of achieving a higher goal.
Happiness doesn’t work as a goal, because meeting our terms for happiness depends on what happens around us. It requires just the right circumstances and the cooperation of other people. Unfortunately, those circumstances seldom align. That cooperation rarely happens. Furthermore, when a marriage is all about finding happiness, it creates dependency as we turn to our mate or require ideal circumstances to meet our expectations. And that dependency puts a heavy burden on the mate. It’s true that we do have something inside that is seeking completeness and fulfillment. We all yearn to connect to a source that can fulfill all our needs. But the problem comes when we misdirect that search toward the wrong object. Your mate is not that source. God, through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, can be the only source of happiness.

What’s Your Personality Like?

Posted on October 1, 2009 by in Life

An important part of improving one’s life, searching for happiness, and even helping us with mental health issues or our relationships in life is self-discovery. The more you know about yourself — your preferences, your way of thinking, your way of looking at the world — the more you can actually go ahead and make changes in your life. If you’re a big question mark to yourself, it’s lot more difficult to start to improve those areas of your life that you’d like to improve upon.

For years now, Psych Central and other websites have offered online personality quizzes and tests that help give you some insight into your personality. And while these work well for what they can say about you, they don’t always give you as much information as you might like. They also don’t always present the information in a manner that makes it immediately clear what your strengths and weaknesses are, or what are really the most important aspects of your personality.

via What’s Your Personality Like? | World of Psychology.

Is It Possible To Become Lastingly Happier?

Posted on August 25, 2009 by in Marriage

“To change one’s life, start immediately, do it flamboyantly,no exceptions.”

– William James

Why are some people happier than others? What are the benefits (and costs) of happiness? And is it possible to become permanently happier?

These are some of the questions that I hope to address in my new blog – the very questions that I tackled in my recent book, The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. My other goal is to comment on how research on emotions and well-being can inform our understanding of current events, as well as our own behavior.

I am an experimental social psychologist who has been doing research on happiness for almost 20 years. Along with my students and my collaborator Ken Sheldon, I have conducted the first experiments (called “randomized controlled experimental intervention studies”) that try to increase and maintain people’s happiness. In broadest terms, my research suggests that lasting happiness is attainable, if you are prepared to do the work. Much like with permanent weight loss and fitness, becoming lastingly happier demands making some permanent changes, requiring effort and commitment every day of your life.

via Is It Possible To Become Lastingly Happier? | Psychology Today.

The best way to increase praying together

Posted on June 25, 2009 by in Featured, Marriage

praying-couple

If you attend church regularly, then you have heard it said that “couples who pray together, stay together.”  There are even rumors out there that say couples who pray together regularly only have about a 1% divorce rate.  I can not seem to locate that research, but I think I’ve believed that through the years of teaching couples!  Is it true?  I am not sure, but I do know this…Squire Rushnell wrote a book titled “Couples Who Pray”.  In his book he shares the following information:

The results were astonishing. A 20 to 30% elevation in romance, conversation, and various levels of marital happiness.

He is apparently working with Baylor University and a new, thorough research study on the effects of prayer on marriage.  Way to go Baylor!  But lets get real for a moment.  We all know how important prayer is in relation to our walk with God, so why is it so difficult to pray together?  What is the best way to begin a life of prayer together as a couple?  I’ve put some thought in to this one and come up with 4 things you can do to help make praying together more natural:

  1. Make prayer a priority
  2. Let go of your religious dogma
  3. Resist darts of darkness
  4. Pray, no matter what

Before I unpack these four things you can do to make prayer more of a natural part of your marriage, let me tackle the issue of why it is so difficult to pray together. Our marriage is not perfect, and to be completely honest, we have struggled praying together for most of our marriage.  I would say the last several years have easily been the best years of praying together in our almost 15 years of marriage!  This is awesome, but at the same time, I think back on 13 years of not praying well together and I get  a little sad.

Why did we struggle so much in our prayer life?  We did not understand the four ways to making prayer a priority in our marriage!  These four things are not just something I made up, but they are the result of several years of finally praying together on a regular basis (this includes my children as well).  When we started implementing these four things, we started praying together more regularly.

But I must give a shout out to a new found mentor of mine, Colin Millar (who’s official title is Prayer Strategist – how cool of a title is that!).  Colin’s prayer life is incredible!  He takes to heart the idea of praying without ceasing.  I’ve never known anyone who prays more passionately and frequently than Colin.  The cool thing is, however, that his constant prayer is authentic and meaningful.  I’ve never felt annoyed or distracted by the many times he has interuppted our meetings to pray.  In fact, he is finally starting to rub off on me and I’ve begun to pray far more regular for my own life and the lives of people I interact with!  Thanks Colin for being such a wonderful example of the power of prayer.

So let’s unpack these four ways you can begin to build a stronger prayer life as a couple!

1. Make prayer a priority
If you do not decide, as an individual, to make prayer a priority in your life, then it ain’t going to be a priority in your marriage.  Prayer is important, but you have to make it important.  Prayer does not do the work for you.  Wake up each morning and whisper out loud, “Today I am going to pray.”  Discuss prayer with your spouse.  If there is any apprehension or resistance, take it easy, never force prayer on anyone but pray fervently for everyone!

2. Let go of your religious dogma
No matter how similar you think your religious upbringing is to your mate’s, there are always differences.  Learn how to value each other’s spiritual differences and allow your differences to make your spiritual lives (especially prayer) even stronger.  If your differences feel too dramatic, then learn how to LUV Talk about your differences and come to a healthy resolution.

3. Resist darts of darkness
The evil one has a vested interest in sabotaging your efforts at praying together.  One of the most common methods to mess with your spiritual life of evil is to throw thoughts and ideas your way that will ultimately cause your demise.  I call this tactic “Darts of Darkness”.  These darts are in the form of seemingly helpful thoughts, but thoughts that eventually lead you to unhealthy and destructive behaviors and decisions.  That’s the genius of the Darts of Darkness.  They seem innocent at first, but then once firmly implanted in your brain, they do the real work of bringing you down.  One such thought might be something like, “I need to wait to pray with my mate until he reaches a more spiritually mature level.”  This thought does not initially seem hurtful, but imagine what would happen if you actually acted on it?

4. Pray, no matter what
There is no excuse for not praying, period.  At some point you have to resist your own selfish desires or attacks from evil and trudge ahead with praying together.  Especially when you are stressed out together as a couple!  A classic strategy of evil is to use your arguments to foster even more disconnection between you.  ”I can’t pray with her because she hurt me!”  ”I can’t pray with him because I feel so disconnected!”  Whatever the excuse, ignore it.  Prayer is too important to ignore and too important to allow relational conflict to get in the way of praying together.  Will it feel awkward?  Yes.  But so what, do it anyway.

If you take these 4 things seriously, you will see an increase in your prayer life together.  The reality is that great marriages don’t just happen, they are the result of working together toward the common goal of love.

Marriage Tip: Pray that you already know this one

Posted on May 25, 2009 by in Featured, Marriage Tip

My marriage tip for the day is to pray together. Pretty easy, right? Not so fast my friend. Too many couples do not take the time to simply sit down, kneel down, lay down, stand down, or any other kind of down and pray together. Prayer is at the heart of any healthy, satisfied marriage. Barna has shown through some pretty spectacular research that couples who pray together consistently only have about a 1% divorce rate! This is by far the best thing you could ever do for your marriage and ultimate happiness with each other.

So why is it so difficult to pray together, especially if it is so powerful? I will give you three common reasons couples do not pray together as I’ve experience through our Marriage Restoration Intensive program:

  1. Couples do not know how to pray together so they get frustrated or intimidated.
    If you do not know how to pray, you will not be encouraged to pray – especially with your spouse.  Prayer is not difficult, but it is extremely intimate.  One of the most common mistakes I see in individuals who feel intimidated or weak in their prayer is how they compare themselves to other “more spiritual” people.  Do not get in to the compare game.  God loves you for you.  God did not create you uniquely so you would become more like someone else.  God just wants you! Be yourself and don’t worry if your prayer time looks, sounds, feels, and last less/longer than other people you respect spiritually.  God loves you unconditionally and just wants your attention.  Prayer is a great way to give God attention.
  2. Couples do not acknowledge the spiritual warfare keeping them from praying together.
    Satan does not, and I repeat, does not want you to have an active prayer life.  Let me expose Satan’s agenda against your prayer life.  His basic strategy is to flood your mind with thoughts of insecurity about prayer, resistance about prayer, comparison’s about prayer (i.e. point #1), and confusion about prayer.  He wants you to think that you are actually thinking the things he is planting in your head.  Be careful.  Not every thought you have is actually yours.  Some are a specific and detailed attack against you from the evil ones.  Do not allow they to impact your thought life and be on guard to reject untrue or false thoughts.
  3. Couples do not take it seriously enough to make it a priority.
    They simply do not realize how important  prayer is to their marriage, so they do not pray.  This is a huge mistake because, when we do not pray, we miss out on the guidance, support, and encouragement of God.

A five part series featuring conflict resolution for couples

Posted on May 14, 2009 by in Conflict Resolution, Featured

Conflict Resolution

You want to know how to resolve conflict with your mate, so I am going to teach you in a five part series on conflict resolution! But I wanted to start with an introduction post, to make sure you have a healthy understanding of conflict resolution and why conflict occurs in marriage. I’ve been helping couples for almost 15 years, and if I’ve learned anything in all this time, it’s that couples fight. They fight a lot.

There is nothing abnormal or unhealthy about getting in to conflict with your spouse. Conflict is the natural progression of an intimate relationship. Conflict is actually very healthy and an important part of a balanced marriage (or breakfast). Conflict is natural. Conflict is inevitable. Conflict adds depth to your relationship because you are sharing differences of opinions and needs. When you get in to conflict, you are learning about each other and presenting an opportunity to better love each other.

The problem with conflict is that most couples don’t have a clue on how to resolve conflict. They just fight and never make up or draw closer together.

This five part series on how to resolve conflict with your spouse is going to shed some light on how to find a win/win solution in every argument. You don’t have to be miserable and avoid topics because they are “too sensitive”. My five part series will give you the structure and the system to find out why you are in conflict and to gain understanding about each other on a level you may not be used to – a close and connected level.

You will learn how to utilize conflict to help your marriage rather than being victims of conflict tearing your marriage apart. The five part series on resolving conflict will include:

  1. Conflict Resolution part 1: Why the drive-through at Chic-fil-A will help you find peace
  2. Part 2: The awesome power of a time-out
  3. Part 3: Learn how to be a great employee for your spouse
  4. Part 4: Learn how to be a great customer for your spouse
  5. Part 5: Finding win/win solutions is as easy as 1-2-3

Get ready to resolve some of those conflicts you’ve kept on the shelf because you couldn’t seem to ever find a solution. Marriage can be your most precious and connected relationship here on earth, don’t allow conflict to keep you from true happiness with each other. Use conflict as a means to gain better insight of each other’s needs and as an opportunity to grow closer together.

If you want to check out the entire series on conflict resolution, just click.