Tag Archives: happy marriage

A surprising way to a stronger marriage – You are in control!

Posted on October 20, 2010 by in Marriage

Have you ever been utterly humiliated by your spouse in public? I (Amy) got to experience humiliation by the hands of my husband back in February of 2009. It was David’s, our youngest child, seventh birthday. I love this illustration because it is one of the times where I actually handled myself correctly (which is more than I can say for Michael) :-) . Usually I am the escalator and the one needing to apologize for mishandling myself during a conflict. But the disfunction falls directly on Michael’s shoulders this time!

Our son David loves routine and for the third year in a row he wanted to have his birthday at a place near our house called Pump It Up. It is a great venue for kids and is filled from floor to ceiling with these awesome air-blown trampolines, slides, and obstacle courses. We decided to download the birthday invitations so we could fold and hand them out to all the kids in his class.

Over the years, Michael has learned how to use graphic design programs like Photoshop and Adobe Indesign. When you can’t hire a graphic design team, you do the graphic design work yourself. After we downloaded the invitation, Michael had the idea of making custom changes to the invitation. I was thrilled by his suggestions and gave him the thumbs up to make some changes. We talked about what we wanted added to the cards and then he made the changes. I was quite excited about what we had done to the card! And this would be the last time I felt any kind of positive emotion about this invitation.

The very next morning was the start of a two-day Marriage Restoration Intensive with a couple in crisis for me. This is a program of ours that helps couples in crisis get through trama and hopefully regain a happy marriage. I had to leave early in the morning and was gone before my kids even awoke. Michael was in his office putting the finishing touches on the birthday invitation when our 7-year old walked in and excitedly asked what he was doing. He showed him the card on the computer and David loved it! Then our son asked a question. The answer Michael gave to his question will haunt me for the rest of my days. “Daddy, can you put on the card what I want for my birthday?”

Sounds like an innocent question, doesn’t it. But Michael had no idea of the consequences his decision would reap in only two short days.

Michael replied to David’s question with a resounding, “Of course! Daddy can put whatever you want on this card!” So our son asked for him to put on his birthday card (that was going to be handed over to every single mother in David’s class), “David is requesting CASH for his birthday present.”

I still have a hard time believing that Michael didn’t even consider how this request may come across as inappropriate and rude. But alas, he did not. Michael printed the cards, folded them up, and handed them out to each kid in the class. It wasn’t till later that day, when Michael was sitting under the big Oak tree at our kid’s school, that he wondered if it was weird to put such a request on a birthday card.
One of the moms in our son’s class was sitting next to him under the tree. Michael leaned over and asked her if she had opened the invitation yet. She said no. He then asked her if it was weird to put David’s request for CASH on the birthday invitation. Her response was classic, “Oh no. You did not put that on David’s birthday card?” He said yes. She then asked if I knew what had been added to the card, and he told her that I had not seen the cards yet. The mom then said to him, “Don’t tell her.”

We are not usually ones to endorse keeping secrets, but Michael did feel that this secret did have real implications on his life going on or ending. Which he was probably correct! I know the wives reading this story are weeping in empathy for me, thanks girls!

The party came and I was clueless about the invitation. I did wonder why all the moms were only bringing envelopes as gifts, however. I even brought this to Michael’s attention! It did not bother me, in fact, it was quite the opposite. I was actually pretty happy that the moms did not feel obligated to bring David more gifts. You see, I assumed that the cards were only cards. I did not know yet that the cards contained CASH! I just figured David already had enough toys and was content with no new presents to eventually organize and clean.

[I, Michael, must interject at this point of the story]

Can you imagine my horror at the total health of my wife! Here I was, getting prepared to be lambasted by my wife, and she pulls out this statement! I could not believe my ears. I knew Amy was loving and gracious, but this was crazy! I already felt bad for what she was about to find out, but then her attitude of graciousness at thinking no one was bringing any gifts only made my sickness even worse.

[I've said my peace, Amy can continue now]

Thanks for giving me permission to continue, sweetie =]. Michael was quickly becoming aware of how much trouble his little invitation was about to get him into. And then it happened. One of the moms, who is also a good friend of ours, came right up to me with David’s present. It was a nicely colored tin jar filled to the brim with coins. She was quite proud of her sarcastic moment and winked towards Michael, knowing full well that she was getting him into trouble! She knew what Michael had done and she was making sure he got in trouble for it. She then handed me the invitation and politely said, “I was so thankful your husband let us all know what David wanted for his birthday present.”

That was it. The secret was out and I did what any wife would do in that moment, I whacked Michael on the arm and then pulled him close to my lips and whispered, “We’ll talk about this later.”
I did it! I actually controlled my emotions and put them on hold until we could finish David’s birthday party. Nothing is worse than ruining a party with a horrible fight. I knew this and actually made a decision to put off the discussion until we got home. I wanted to keep David’s party sacred and the reality was that I did not have to respond with anger. I had a choice, and so do you.
Here is the reality. We all have a choice when it comes to our reactions. There are no victims in a healthy marriage, only two people totally responsible for their own emotions and reactions. We have already outlined for you in the beginning chapters on why you do not want to be a victim in any relationship. Victims feel powerless and out-of-control. The reality is that we are not powerless nor out-of-control. We contain the ability to choose how we respond to any circumstance or situation.

If we do not take control over our emotions and reactions, then Mr. Powerless and Mrs. Fear are going to take control for us. Because if we are not taking command of how we respond, then the only choice we leave ourselves is powerlessness and fear.

One of the more poignant things we learned early on in our marriage is that we did not make each other feel anything. This might sound like an impossible statement. But it is true. People, places, or things can not make us feel or do anything. It is our choice in response to someone’s demands or sin against us.

2 Corinthians 5:10 reads, “Sooner or later we’ll all have to face God, regardless of our conditions. We will appear before Christ and take what’s coming to us as a result of our actions, either good or bad.” Notice that this verse says nothing about other people. It only mentions us. We will appear in front of Christ one day and will take responsibility for how we handled ourself while living on Earth. There is no mention of circumstances or other people.

A Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage – Introduction

Posted on October 6, 2010 by in Marriage

Chapter 01
Introduction

Their faces were filled with anguish as they approached us after one of our sessions at a marriage seminar. They wanted to smile, but years of unhappiness and regret had taken its toll on them. We saw their desperation, but we couldn’t have been more surprised by what the husband said first.

“Can you fix this marriage in 30 second or less?”

Wow. We would like to fancy ourselves as talented marriage consultants, but this guy was asking for a miracle; and he was serious. Thirty seconds or less? Are you kidding? But then it hit us, like Mike Tyson hitting Michael Spinks, but it took less than 92 seconds for us to come up with his answer. “You want to fix your marriage in 30 seconds or less? Then start with changing yourself and decide to be a loving, supportive, active, and growing husband.”

Not surprisingly, he didn’t take to our answer. This guy is like a lot of people in our country. America is no longer the land of the free and the home of the brave, but more accurately the land of the irresponsible and home of the no fault lawsuit; the demise of our relationships are the proof.

It’s about time we all start growing up. Being an adult does not mean things become easier, in fact, it really means things become more difficult because, as adults, we are responsible for all of our own actions and feelings. We can no longer be victims, like we were as children, but instead we must start assuming the freedom and power we have in Christ honoring life, which is the simple solution to a happy marriage.

I, Amy, remember a couple I worked with. They were committed Christians. They volunteered in their church. They had small children. Yet something was missing. We went through the intensive. They learned about communication, conflict resolution, boundaries, effective time-outs, validation, love languages, etc. Yet there was something about her that I could tell her spirit wasn’t open to her husband. I cry every time I think of them because they struggled and struggled. She struggled because she didn’t know what was wrong with her- was she depressed? Did she not have enough faith? Was there something wrong with him? The answer didn’t come right away.Slowly the clouds lifted in their lives. Their children have a mom and dad still together. So what made the difference? They both wrestled with their own demons, I mean issues. He took the lead in loving her with so much unconditional love it humbled me. He dug so deep to try to find her he became bloodied and bruised along the way but he found her. He wasn’t a doormat, he drew boundaries when needed but he gently offered her his love over and over again. God did an amazing thing in their lives. Slowly she began to open up. He first contacted me, almost holding his breath not wanting to move in fear she might run away again, and he shared he could see she was trying. This is an exert from an email I got from him, “Vulnerability and honesty have freed her from her cage that had grown so dark and so deep. Amy, I could have never imagined the beauty of the woman that had become locked in that box- beauty you could see. I often wish that you were right around the corner so that you could step into our family for a moment and see how God has used you. You battled like a warrior against satan’s dark grip and as a result, I pray, your effort will continue to ripple into many other lives. I am still truly amazed in God’s grace; He spared our family from destruction. He restored freedom and love.” Are you willing to fight the good fight? God is willing to look you squarely in the eye and give you the wisdom you seek to draw you into intimacy. Are you willing? It’s simple but it takes time and energy.

One of our favorite first lines when working with a client in an intensive setting is, “What brings you in today.” We’re not the first people to ask this question, but it does have special meaning for us. “What brings you in today” is at the heart of many people’s issues. How people typically respond to this question will tell us a lot of how successful they will be in getting helped. If they start listing a long line of issues about their spouse as the reason they are coming to one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives, then we know we are in a battle. The problem with your marriage, however, is not your long list of issues or complaints about your spouse. Honestly, it is the level at which each of you is willing to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage. Issues are just issues. Many times couples are stressed out in their marriage because neither is willing to do the right thing (unless the other is willing to do it first). Then there are other times when one spouse wants to work on their marriage but the other has checked out long before they reach our door. There is hope for both! Whether you are in marital limbo, crisis, or growth- God has a plan for you. His plan is to release you from captivity (Isaiah 42:7) and free you to live a life worthy of your calling (2 Thessalonians 1:11). When you keep your own personal growth your goal you will not fail. God will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronmy 31:6), even if a spouse does.

What brings you to reading this book today? Are you frustrated? Does your spouse not meet your needs like you want? Do you feel alone, rejected, or disconnected? Has life turned out to be one huge disappointing experience after another? What brings you to reading this book today?

Be careful with your answer. It’s an important question. If you answer, “My spouse… my child… my boss…” Then you’re not ready for the following pages. In fact, they might even upset the very core of your being.

This book is not about what your spouse must do so you can enjoy a satisfied and happy marriage. This book is about learning what YOU can do to help create an environment where a satisfied and happy marriage is possible.

We are not slaves to our circumstances. We have a choice. We do not blow-up at the car in front of us because they cut us off. Every reaction we display is our choice. Let us say this another way, we decide whether or not we are going to be upset, sad, frustrated, mad, or hurt.

We are in control of our own well-being and emotions. People, places, or things do not make us unhappy in life. We choose to feel unhappy as a result of what happens around us. We will address this concept in much more depth later on in chapter seven. But it is important to note here, at the beginning of this book. You can choose how you respond to circumstances.

We know you can not control what happens to you by other people. If you catch your spouse in an affair, your initial reaction will be your gut reaction. Your gut reaction is what’s natural to you. We are not talking about controlling what initially happens to you when faced with hardships or heartache. We are talking about controlling how you move forward and how you respond to tough circumstances.

Is It Possible To Become Lastingly Happier?

Posted on August 25, 2009 by in Marriage

“To change one’s life, start immediately, do it flamboyantly,no exceptions.”

– William James

Why are some people happier than others? What are the benefits (and costs) of happiness? And is it possible to become permanently happier?

These are some of the questions that I hope to address in my new blog – the very questions that I tackled in my recent book, The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. My other goal is to comment on how research on emotions and well-being can inform our understanding of current events, as well as our own behavior.

I am an experimental social psychologist who has been doing research on happiness for almost 20 years. Along with my students and my collaborator Ken Sheldon, I have conducted the first experiments (called “randomized controlled experimental intervention studies”) that try to increase and maintain people’s happiness. In broadest terms, my research suggests that lasting happiness is attainable, if you are prepared to do the work. Much like with permanent weight loss and fitness, becoming lastingly happier demands making some permanent changes, requiring effort and commitment every day of your life.

via Is It Possible To Become Lastingly Happier? | Psychology Today.

Marriage Tip: The power of one

Posted on August 3, 2009 by in Marriage, Marriage Tip

power

Amy and I are currently writing a book for Focus on the Family titled, “A Simple Solution to a Happy Marriage”.  The book’s premise is quite simple.  The power of one.  What is the power of one?  It is a husband or wife who is willing to take responsibility for his or her actions, no matter what the other person is doing.

If you want things to change, then change yourself first.  Do not get sucked in to the lie that your spouse has to change in order for the marriage or you to get better.  You have tremendous influence over your spouse through your loving actions.  Do the right thing in your marriage and you can not lose.  Loving your spouse when your spouse is not “earning” love, is probably the greatest most powerful thing you could ever do!

Marriage Tip: Seriously, you have no excuses!

Posted on July 13, 2009 by in Featured, Marriage Tip

Did you know research shows that one of the most powerful things you can do to immediately impact the overall satisfaction of your marriage is to simply go out on a date? It is true and I know what you’re thinking, “Oh come on, this tip is a little on the shallow side.” You think to have a happy marriage you have to learn how to communicate, forgive often, complete trusting exercises like falling backwards in to your spouse’s arms, and more!  These are all good things, but just going out on a date and having fun together is just as powerful, if not more powerful!

When is the last time you and your mate went on a date (rhyming done purposefully)?  I bet the longer you have to go back and think about the last time you two went out the less satisfied you are compared to a couple who frequently go out on dates.  Gottman shows this in his research and others are discovering this as well (including my own brother).

So what is keeping you from going out on a date?  The excuses I’ve hear throughout the years are like, “We don’t have enough time.” “Our kids take up too much energy.”  ”We don’t have fun together because we always get in to a major discussion when we do get time alone.”  Hogwash! There is no excuse good enough to keep you from at least two date nights a month (preferably 4 dates a month).  Do not give me sob stories of how busy you are in life, change your schedule.  You are in charge of where and how you spend your time.  If your kids are involved in too many activities, then cut them back from a few of them.  What a great lesson to teach your kids.  A balanced schedule equals a balanced life.

If you get in to conflict every time you go out together, then stop doing that! Date nights or fun times together should be kept sacred from conflict.  Do not wait to share things with each other until you get alone time while on a date.  It is a horrible idea to try and resolve conflict during fun time, because trying to resolve conflict during fun time ruins the fun time.  Agree with each other that you will not discuss any major things (negative things) while out on a date.  My wife and I do this very agreement with each other every time we go out on a date.  We even shake hands in agreement that we will not have conflict.

My last bit of advice for this tip is to schedule time together.  If you do not get a date night on your calendar on a regular day, it will not happen.  You must be purposeful with the important things in life, and this is one of them.

SPECIAL SECTION

What do you do for fun together? Let other readers know so they can have creative date night ideas as well.  Just to clarify, I’m not talking about spending lots of money each date night having dinner and going to a movie.  Date nights can also consist of hanging out at home and doing something purposeful together.  So what are your ideas? Share them below as a comment.

The Top 10 mistakes couples make during conflict

Posted on June 9, 2009 by in Conflict Resolution, Featured, Marriage

What causes divorce? Seems like a complicated question, but in reality, it is quite simple.  Researchers like Drs. Scott Stanley, Howard Markman, and John Gottman have all discovered bascially four reasons why couples divorce.  Four! Not thousands, but only four reasons why couples end up divorcing.

I’ve written about these before, but let me give them to you once more.  Couples divorce when they respond to conflict by:

  1. Escalating – yelling, screaming, basically getting out of control.
  2. Avoiding – running away from conflict.
  3. Dishonoring – name-calling and basic character assassination.
  4. Developing negative beliefs – your spouse can not win, no matter what because you have a belief that is negative and possibly incorrect.

These four are the first four mistakes couples make when they get in to conflict. These are the primary mistakes that lead to divorce, but there are more mistakes couples make that do not lead to happy marriages and these other mistakes are secondary, and can most certainly relate back to the first four.

If you want a happy marriage, which I’m pretty sure each and every person who gets married wants, then you have to learn how to avoid these pitfalls during arguments. Arguments are not bad, it is how we respond to arguments that either makes or breaks our marriage (or any relationship).

The other six mistakes couples make during conflict are:

  1. They don’t take a time-out when feelings get hurt or things get heated.
  2. They play the blame game.
  3. They kitchen-sink every argument ever experienced.
  4. They go to a third party to complain.
  5. They flip flop who’s at fault.
  6. They invalidate each other’s feelings or needs.

1. They don’t take a time-out when feelings get hurt or things get heated
I just wrote a five part series on conflict resolution.  One of the parts was taking a time-out.  If you do not take a break and relax, your conflict is going to get out of control. Take a step back and breath. Calm down, and then reengage with each other.

2. They play the blame game.
Do you like it when you’re blamed for something? Probably not, so don’t do it to your spouse. Blaming only leads to more misery. The more you take personal responsibility, the better your marriage will get.

3. They kitchen-sink every argument ever experienced.
Does it feel helpful to bring up past arguments when you are arguing in the present? Does it ever go well to remind your spouse of other times they totally messed up? No. So don’t bring in the past, keep focused on the present and resolve one conflict at a time.

4. They go to a third party to complain.
It is okay to have a close friend where you can get validated and loved well. You can even complain from time to time about something that happened between you and your spouse. But do not make this a habit and you must only talk with a close friend of the same sex. It is never okay to complain about your spouse to the opposite sex, that will only lead to more problems and heartache. When you spend your days complaining about how “bad” your spouse is, you set yourself up to develop powerful negative beliefs that are very hard to get rid of.

5. They flip flop who’s at fault.
If your spouse comes to you with something you did to hurt or frustrate her, do not turn the table and point out something that bothers you. There is nothing more frustrating and hurtful than when your spouse turns the table on the conflict. If your spouse approaches you about an issue, take it like a man (or woman) and stick to that issue. No one likes a flip flopper!

6. They invalidate each other’s feelings or needs.
Validation is my wife’s biggest passion for couples. Her quote when she teaches this concept is so powerful, “You are more important to me than proving myself right or proving you wrong.” Just listen and validate. Do not argue with your spouse about facts or try to justify or explain your actions. Keep quiet and simply ask, “What do you need from me right now?” This is a powerful question that can disarm even the angriest person.

These are 10 of the craziest things people will do when they get in to conflict with their spouse. Great marriage do not just happen, they are built through enrichment and education. Either you are working on your marriage and learning how to better love each other, or you are getting worse.

How to Make More Free Time for Your Spouse or Family

Posted on January 20, 2009 by in Great Date Ideas

One of the easiest, most fun, and healthiest things you can do for your marriage is simply have fun together.  Do not think this is a “simpleton’s” idea of a healthy marriage (even though I am a simpleton), but take the advice seriously!

Why would you want to stay with someone, especially through the tough times, if you never have fun together? Think about that for a moment.  Do not let children, work, or busyness get in the way of having fun together.

I’m a happily married man and a father of 6 kids, and many readers ask me my secret to maintaining a happy marriage and a good relationship with my kids.

Well, there’s no one secret, but a huge key for me has been: finding time to spend with them on a regular basis.

How to Make More Free Time for Your Spouse or Family | Simple Marriage

The power of one confirmed

Posted on August 15, 2008 by in Conflict Resolution

My newest book is tentatively titled “A Simple Solution to a Happy Marriage”.  What’s the simple solution you ask? It is personal responsiblity.  Easily the most powerful thing you can do to change your marriage is change yourself.  If you do not believe me, then check out the following article:

“The study found that those patients who felt that they were responsible for making progress were more likely to feel the continued benefits of therapy at three-month follow-up than those patients who expected their therapist, or chance factors, to produce the improvement.” Read more here.