– William James

Why are some people happier than others? What are the benefits (and costs) of happiness? And is it possible to become permanently happier?

These are some of the questions that I hope to address in my new blog – the very questions that I tackled in my recent book, The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. My other goal is to comment on how research on emotions and well-being can inform our understanding of current events, as well as our own behavior.

I am an experimental social psychologist who has been doing research on happiness for almost 20 years. Along with my students and my collaborator Ken Sheldon, I have conducted the first experiments (called “randomized controlled experimental intervention studies”) that try to increase and maintain people’s happiness. In broadest terms, my research suggests that lasting happiness is attainable, if you are prepared to do the work. Much like with permanent weight loss and fitness, becoming lastingly happier demands making some permanent changes, requiring effort and commitment every day of your life.

via Is It Possible To Become Lastingly Happier? | Psychology Today.

Amy and I are currently writing a book for Focus on the Family titled, “A Simple Solution to a Happy Marriage”.  The book’s premise is quite simple.  The power of one.  What is the power of one?  It is a husband or wife who is willing to take responsibility for his or her actions, no matter what the other person is doing.

If you want things to change, then change yourself first.  Do not get sucked in to the lie that your spouse has to change in order for the marriage or you to get better.  You have tremendous influence over your spouse through your loving actions.  Do the right thing in your marriage and you can not lose.  Loving your spouse when your spouse is not “earning” love, is probably the greatest most powerful thing you could ever do!

When is the last time you and your mate went on a date (rhyming done purposefully)?  I bet the longer you have to go back and think about the last time you two went out the less satisfied you are compared to a couple who frequently go out on dates.  Gottman shows this in his research and others are discovering this as well (including my own brother).

So what is keeping you from going out on a date?  The excuses I’ve hear throughout the years are like, “We don’t have enough time.” “Our kids take up too much energy.”  ”We don’t have fun together because we always get in to a major discussion when we do get time alone.”  Hogwash! There is no excuse good enough to keep you from at least two date nights a month (preferably 4 dates a month).  Do not give me sob stories of how busy you are in life, change your schedule.  You are in charge of where and how you spend your time.  If your kids are involved in too many activities, then cut them back from a few of them.  What a great lesson to teach your kids.  A balanced schedule equals a balanced life.

If you get in to conflict every time you go out together, then stop doing that! Date nights or fun times together should be kept sacred from conflict.  Do not wait to share things with each other until you get alone time while on a date.  It is a horrible idea to try and resolve conflict during fun time, because trying to resolve conflict during fun time ruins the fun time.  Agree with each other that you will not discuss any major things (negative things) while out on a date.  My wife and I do this very agreement with each other every time we go out on a date.  We even shake hands in agreement that we will not have conflict.

My last bit of advice for this tip is to schedule time together.  If you do not get a date night on your calendar on a regular day, it will not happen.  You must be purposeful with the important things in life, and this is one of them.

SPECIAL SECTION

What do you do for fun together? Let other readers know so they can have creative date night ideas as well.  Just to clarify, I’m not talking about spending lots of money each date night having dinner and going to a movie.  Date nights can also consist of hanging out at home and doing something purposeful together.  So what are your ideas? Share them below as a comment.

I’ve written about these before, but let me give them to you once more.  Couples divorce when they respond to conflict by:

1. Escalating – yelling, screaming, basically getting out of control.
2. Avoiding – running away from conflict.
3. Dishonoring – name-calling and basic character assassination.
4. Developing negative beliefs – your spouse can not win, no matter what because you have a belief that is negative and possibly incorrect.

These four are the first four mistakes couples make when they get in to conflict. These are the primary mistakes that lead to divorce, but there are more mistakes couples make that do not lead to happy marriages and these other mistakes are secondary, and can most certainly relate back to the first four.

If you want a happy marriage, which I’m pretty sure each and every person who gets married wants, then you have to learn how to avoid these pitfalls during arguments. Arguments are not bad, it is how we respond to arguments that either makes or breaks our marriage (or any relationship).

The other six mistakes couples make during conflict are:

1. They don’t take a time-out when feelings get hurt or things get heated.
2. They play the blame game.
3. They kitchen-sink every argument ever experienced.
4. They go to a third party to complain.
5. They flip flop who’s at fault.
6. They invalidate each other’s feelings or needs.

1. They don’t take a time-out when feelings get hurt or things get heated
I just wrote a five part series on conflict resolution.  One of the parts was taking a time-out.  If you do not take a break and relax, your conflict is going to get out of control. Take a step back and breath. Calm down, and then reengage with each other.

2. They play the blame game.
Do you like it when you’re blamed for something? Probably not, so don’t do it to your spouse. Blaming only leads to more misery. The more you take personal responsibility, the better your marriage will get.

3. They kitchen-sink every argument ever experienced.
Does it feel helpful to bring up past arguments when you are arguing in the present? Does it ever go well to remind your spouse of other times they totally messed up? No. So don’t bring in the past, keep focused on the present and resolve one conflict at a time.

4. They go to a third party to complain.
It is okay to have a close friend where you can get validated and loved well. You can even complain from time to time about something that happened between you and your spouse. But do not make this a habit and you must only talk with a close friend of the same sex. It is never okay to complain about your spouse to the opposite sex, that will only lead to more problems and heartache. When you spend your days complaining about how “bad” your spouse is, you set yourself up to develop powerful negative beliefs that are very hard to get rid of.

5. They flip flop who’s at fault.
If your spouse comes to you with something you did to hurt or frustrate her, do not turn the table and point out something that bothers you. There is nothing more frustrating and hurtful than when your spouse turns the table on the conflict. If your spouse approaches you about an issue, take it like a man (or woman) and stick to that issue. No one likes a flip flopper!

6. They invalidate each other’s feelings or needs.
Validation is my wife’s biggest passion for couples. Her quote when she teaches this concept is so powerful, “You are more important to me than proving myself right or proving you wrong.” Just listen and validate. Do not argue with your spouse about facts or try to justify or explain your actions. Keep quiet and simply ask, “What do you need from me right now?” This is a powerful question that can disarm even the angriest person.

These are 10 of the craziest things people will do when they get in to conflict with their spouse. Great marriage do not just happen, they are built through enrichment and education. Either you are working on your marriage and learning how to better love each other, or you are getting worse.

Why would you want to stay with someone, especially through the tough times, if you never have fun together? Think about that for a moment.  Do not let children, work, or busyness get in the way of having fun together.

I’m a happily married man and a father of 6 kids, and many readers ask me my secret to maintaining a happy marriage and a good relationship with my kids.

Well, there’s no one secret, but a huge key for me has been: finding time to spend with them on a regular basis.

How to Make More Free Time for Your Spouse or Family | Simple Marriage

“The study found that those patients who felt that they were responsible for making progress were more likely to feel the continued benefits of therapy at three-month follow-up than those patients who expected their therapist, or chance factors, to produce the improvement.” Read more here.

The first thing you did was make a commitment on the day of your wedding to never divorce. You even went as far as signing a marriage covenant so you could make your emotional reality a legal reality as well. You looked in to each other’s eyes and you chose to never divorce and never give up.

You chose to forgive and to give grace. When you fought, and there were some doozies, you always came back to each other and settled on a solution that worked for both of you. You did not hide away resentment and bitterness, hoping it would not come back to hurt you. Instead, you rose above the hurt and frustration and loved each other as unconditionally as you could.

You got involved in a community that supported your marriage.  You met each week, for many years, with a group of close friends who were committed to the same kind of marriage you were committed to.  You learned together, resolved conflict together, and encouraged each other.  In fact, now that you have moved in to the retirement community, you have found a new group to continue living life together.

What an example you have been to your family, friends, and coworkers.  Your love is the kind of love that thrived because you worked at it every day.