1. Become soft and tender with the person. The first step is to become soft in your mind and spirit. Lower your voice and relax your facial expressions. This reflects honor and humility; and as Proverbs 15:1 suggests, “A gentle answer turns away anger.”

2. Understand, as much as possible, what the other person has endured. It’s important to genuinely understand the pain your mate feels and how she has interpreted your offensive behavior. Ask for her interpretation of what occurred. The goal is to listen and understand what your mate is feeling. Resist defending yourself, lecturing, or questioning why she did or didn’t do something. The best way to accomplish this is by using the “Drive-through Talking” technique described on p. 18.

3. Admit the person has been wounded and admit any wrong in provoking that hurt. The third step is to take ownership of your offensive behavior. A person feels valuable when she hears you admit your mistake, and sees that you understand how she feels. Sometimes this is all it takes to open a closed spirit.

4. Touch the person gently. If you try to touch someone with a spirit knotted in anger, you will find out just how deep the hurt is. The first response may very well be a stiffening or pulling away—but persistent softness expressed in meaningful touches, like the gentle massage of a knotted muscle, can go a long way toward draining anger and negative feelings.

5. Seek forgiveness and wait for a response. The final step is to give the person the opportunity to respond to your confession. Ask if she could find it in her heart to forgive you. You’ll know true restoration has occurred when forgiveness is granted and she allows you to touch her.

In 1990 one of the world’s most famous prisoners was released from Robben Island Prison, Nelson Mandela.  Mandela then went on to win the election for President of South Africa becoming the country’s first black president!  That’s right, South Africa, which used to be known as a nation of haters because of their Apartheid government was now run by a black man.  This man, Nelson Mandela, if you allow his principles and life’s work to sink in, can truly save your marriage.  How? What I love about this post is that I do not even have to make a stretch on how to relate the ultimate work of Nelson Mandela to the saving of your marriage.

When Mandela took office I can remember wondering if he was going to go about the business of paying back all the harm done to blacks in South Africa through Apartheid.  It would make sense, right?  The way blacks were treated for generations in South Africa was disgusting, cruel, and on a level with evil.  As a white American, I can not even begin to relate or understand what it must have been like for blacks during Apartheid.  So it made sense to me that they would go after all the main leaders of the hate and punish them severely.  No mercy!

Strangely, Mandela did not promote the idea of “getting back” at all the people who were leaders in Apartheid.  In fact, he did just the opposite.  He issued the strategy of Reconciliation.  He wanted his country to move forward, no backward, and to do this he knew the only way was to forgive and reconcile with the enemy.  This is not a history post of all the details of Mandela’s policy of reconciliation, but it is important to note that his policy worked.  I’ve personally been to South Africa three different times, and I can assure you that things in that country are very different, and for the better, since Mandela took over and lead the way to lasting and authentic change.

How can Mandela save your marriage?  One word, reconciliation.  If your spouse has hurt you through an affair or lack of interest in the marriage and you decide to hold that against your spouse, then things will never get better.  If you are consistently holding the mistakes of your spouse over her head, then you will never recover and experience the joy and healing power of reconciliation.  Reconciliation is the only way to move forward in any relationship, but especially in the relationship with your husband or wife.

Reconciliation is not only forgiving someone for their mistakes it is a decision to move forward and go about the work of repairing the damage done in the relationship.  Charles Hauss had this to say about further defining reconciliation, “However, almost everyone acknowledges that it [reconciliation] includes at least four critical components identified by John Paul Lederach — truth, justice, mercy, and peace.”

Each one of the four components of reconciliation work beautifully in saving a marriage.  If your marriage is stressed out, then first start with the truth.  Keeping secrets does not grow couples closer together.  Secrets push you further a part.  When we keep secrets from our spouse, we are denying access to our full selves.  When we deny access to ourselves, fully, then our spouse will feel disconnected.  No one wants to feel disconnected.  Truth is about loving each other enough to have integrity, even when it is going to hurt.

Justice.  At first this word might feel scary.  It did to me.  But justice is not about punishment.  I am understanding justice as being more about love.  In the context of marriage, justice can be doing the right thing and standing up for the marriage even thought things are not going well.  Justice is about doing good and avoiding harm.  Justice fits with reconciliation because it moves us forward and does not take us backward toward revenge or hate.  Justice says to me, “I want this to work, so what is it going to take?”  Justice is doing good for your spouse and not punishing.

Mercy and peace are easy ones to see in the process of saving a marriage.  If you can not have mercy toward each other, you can not have peace.  What does every couple want when going through a crisis?  Peace.  But before peace we must have an attitude of mercy.  Mercy is when we decide to love our spouse even though we are not being loved back.  Mercy is about making a loud noise with our kindness, graciousness, and humility rather than our shouting, blaming, or pride.  When we are merciful, our spouse will respond in kind.  It is the natural law of human relationships.  Be good to others and they will be good to you.  When mercy is running at full speed, peace is not far behind.

Peace is the idea that you can live together in harmony and enjoy each other’s company.  Who doesn’t want that in a relationship? Peace is the goal.  Peace allows us to sit back and relax on the pleasure of our relationship.  There is no crisis in peace.  If you want to save your marriage, then spend your energy on reconciliation.  Spending energy on bitterness or unforgiveness will only make your life more miserable.  It does not have to be that way.  You have a choice through the power of one to really turn your attitude around.  If you clothe yourself in reconciliation, then you will be setting up the marriage to thrive!

“What do you need…right now…to feel loved…to know you’re number one…?”

Ezra 7:28 (Those who honor God will be honored; the same is true with earthly relationships)
“And praise him for demonstrating such unfailing love to me by honoring me before the king, his council, and all his mighty princes! I felt encouraged because the gracious hand of the LORD my God was on me. And I gathered some of the leaders of Israel to return with me to Jerusalem.”

Romans 12:10 (Giving honor is better than receiving honor)
“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.”

When you learn to ask this kind of question, the focus of your relationship goes from problem focused to solution focused or a positive focus.

When you ask the question, you had better make sure you LISTEN

L ook your mate in the eyes
I nquire for clarity
S earch for the meaning
Mark 4:12
‘They see what I do, but they don’t perceive its meaning. They hear my words, but they don’t understand. So they will
not turn from their sins and be forgiven.”’
T alk in aggreement
E ngage in solutions
N ever critisize

You can not listen if you are not humble. Proud is loud!

1 Kings 19:12-13 (If we are proud we are loud and we can’t hear the gentle whisper of God, like Elijah)
“And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave.”

In Middle Eastern countries, it was the slaves who washed the feet of guests; here Christ took the place of a slave. He makes this clear to His disciples: if their Lord and Teacher has washed their feet, then they should wash one another’s feet, that is, serve each other in humility. This must have been a striking rebuke to the Twelve, for just that evening they had been debating who was to be the greatest!

Luke 22:24–26
“And they began to argue among themselves as to who would be the greatest in the coming Kingdom. Jesus told them, “In this world the kings and great men order their people around, and yet they are called ‘friends of the people.’ But among you, those who are the greatest should take the lowest rank, and the leader should be like a servant.”

Listening allows us to learn from our spouse. Talking too much can indicate that our ideas are better than our spouse’s.

James 1:19-20
“My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God’s sight.”

When we truly LISTEN, it is always followed by action.

My wife just gave me an incredible quote, which was inspired by her Beth Moore study on Esther, “Truth is freedom and freedom is living in truth.” How authentic are you in your marriage? I am not talking about being brutally honest about your spouse’s weight gain, or frankly, any fault of your spouse. I am talking about being honest with your own junk and not hiding your weaknesses.

This is not about a huge confessional time with your spouse, but it is about being humble enough to admit your own shortcomings. When you take a humble attitude with your mate, that is when your relationship can truly grow. Growth lies in the shadow of humility. You can not grow in life if you do not first admit where you need to grow.

So how does this imprison your marriage? If you are not getting better, you are getting worse. If you are trapped in an unloving, unsatisfying marriage – you are imprisoned.

This is a rather deep thought by 10:00 a.m. in the morning, but it is a good thought.

Humility is the supreme virtue according to Calvin, not only in attitude but in all of life. The Christian’s humility should shine forth into the pompous darkness of this world. It is neither our eloquence nor our brilliance that directs men to God; rather, it is God who directs men to Himself through the seeming foolishness of preaching. Consequently, humility should conquer our minds and transform our hearts, arising from our study of God’s majesty in His majestic Word.

Humility as Supreme Virtue