Touch has the power to instantly calm, reassure, transfer courage, and stabilize a situation beginning to spin out of control. With touch, we push back the threatening shadows of anger, bitterness, loneliness, and insecurity. Romantic touching and hugging can convey peace and comfort, as well as love. To the degree that we employ it with our mate, we remove the emotional threats that block intimacy.

Men nurture a forever marriage by finding out how their wives like to be touched, how often, when, and where.

Meaningful touching outside the bedroom can create sparks in a marriage, and meaningful communication can fan the flames. Most women report that they need to feel emotionally connected to enjoy physical intimacy. They need to feel loved and cherished. They need displays of physical affection, but not necessarily the sex act itself. Men, however, are motivated by the sexual act. They need sexual intimacy and state that physical affection and feeling cherished aren’t always necessary for them to feel sexually satisfied. However, men still need affection and cherishing in the overall relationship.

These are the four elements of marital intimacy:

1. Unconditional security, a lifetime commitment to care for someone.
2. Meaningful communication, daily sharing your feelings, needs, hopes, and dreams (and being a good listener when the other person speaks).
3. Romantic experiences, setting your schedule to include intimate times together rather than letting the pressures of life set your schedule for you.
4. Intimate touch, since 8 to 10 loving touches a day keep the marriage counselor away!

When used correctly, the differences in the way men and women respond to sex can complement each other. When not taken into consideration, these differences will tear apart the very fabric of your mutual fulfillment. Decide to stop waiting for things to get better. Only the two of you working together toward love will make the intimate difference. Acquire and practice new attitudes and skills that lead to fulfilling relationships.

Norma: One way I’ve tried to build security in our marriage is that I’ve consciously and deliberately never used the words hate or divorce or leave with Gary, even in our most heated “discussions.” I’ll admit I thought the words on a number of occasions in years gone by. But I’ve seen the devastation done to individuals – men and women as well as children – and families by separation and divorce, and I never want any part of that. Even more, when I vowed on our wedding day to love and remain faithful to Gary, I was making that promise to God. I was making it to Gary as well, but I was especially making it to God, and I take that very seriously.

Gary: Another thing that has helped to build security in our relationship is that we pray together about anything in our family or ministry that looks challenging. There’s a great sense of peace and oneness that comes from going to God together and placing a difficult matter in His hands.

We also know that when we’re both seeking His will for a particular concern, we’re on the right track to finding a good answer, because self-centeredness and ego have been taken out of play. We both want what’s best for each other, for our marriage, for our family, or whatever the case may be.

Norma: It’s nice to get flowers and to go out for fancy dinners. Those kinds of things do develop the feelings of romance that are so enjoyable, and I certainly like it when they’re a part of our relationship. I’ve learned, however, that as nice as the feelings of romance are, they’re no substitute for the security of a rock-solid commitment. Knowing that your love and your marriage will truly last “till death do us part” is the greatest feeling of all! During hard times, when I don’t feel love toward Gary, I always remember that feelings change so many times during the day because situations change—but my decision to love him was a commitment for life.

Gary: Intimacy does not start in the bedroom; it has its fulfillment in the bedroom. Romantic expressions shared throughout your days can keep the sense of warmth and desire alive even when difficult times arise. The small things, good or bad, often are the ones that shape your relationship in the long term.

Many men don’t realize it, but more than 80 percent of a woman’s need for meaningful touch is nonsexual. Sex does not begin in the bedroom. It actually starts in the everyday acts of truthfulness, consistency, kindness, touching, and talking that build a growing desire in a woman.

No one can long ignore considerate, loving actions. Make your mate feel special and you increase his or her desire to do the same for you.

Genuine love doesn’t necessarily spring from feelings. Its basis is primarily a concern for the welfare of another. Although the feelings of affection will follow, genuine love is initially an action directed toward fulfilling an- other person’s needs. Persistent love—like the dripping of water on a rock can wear away a person’s resistance. It’s nearly impossible to stay angry with or emotionally distant from someone who unconditionally loves and values you.

So many men and women treat each other as objects to be used. They may not verbalize it, but they maintain an inward conviction that their mate should do things that have never been discussed. This is like steadily pouring acid on intimacy. From time to time, my wife and I get together on a date, for breakfast out or just a retreat from home. During that time, we list our personal goals and com- mit ourselves to helping each other fulfill those desires. I feel so satisfied knowing that my wife is committed enough to sacrifice for my goals and that I have the same commitment toward her.

True happiness comes by reaching out to others with a desire for them to feel love from us.

One way intimacy is blocked is when lives are filled with unhealthy behavior, poor health choices or sexual addictions that affect our daily conduct. To change those habits and addictions, we should first recognize our mistakes and admit when we’re at fault. Second, we must keep an attitude of wanting to improve. Third, we should share our feelings and needs with our mate and seek his or her understanding and support.

Keeping your written relationship menu posted in a prominent household location provides a continual reminder of which values and rules you’re working toward. It generally takes about 30 days to start a new habit. So if you’re regularly working on attaining your goals, it will only take a month before you notice significant changes in your relationship.

4 ways of building intimacy:

1. Stop waiting for things to get better —make a decision to work on them.
2. Acquire and practice new attitudes and skills that lead to fulfilling relation- ships.
3. Commit to changing your own be- haviors first, without expecting your partner to change his or hers.
4. Support each other in your efforts so that neither of you feels alone or inferior.

When you go to a restaurant, you request items off a menu. The same principle can be applied to a relationship. Request what you want from your mate for example, a daily hug, help around the house, or appreciation for a job well done. Decide what’s most important in your marriage, and put those things in writing. One menu item I suggest you include is an agreement that during an argument, you’ll both list all the positive and negative aspects of the issue at hand. Seeing both sides can bring about a quicker resolution and also the unity you both desire.

It’s crucial that we develop healthy relationships. Doctors have found that tension from a poor marriage or friendship can actually cause illness and shorten a person’s life! Not only that, but our children also gain or suffer from the model we provide them every day. One of the keys in any healthy relationship is a willingness to say, “I’m more interested in understanding what you’re saying than in thinking of what I’m going to say once you’re done talking.”

A husband and wife need to establish a routine pattern of meaningful communication—times of sharing feelings, hopes, dreams, and fears. “Weather report” comments like “How’s it going?” “How was the traffic today?” and other safe questions aren’t enough. Every day, spouses need to add the water of well spoken words to keep their relationship strong and healthy.

In a nurturing and healthy relationship, you perceive that your ideas and insights are valuable, and you learn how to negoti- ate and listen to the other person’s views. You hear things like “What did you say?” “You always know the right thing to say,” or “Let’s talk about this.”

In a healthy relationship, not only are you encouraged to feel, but you’re also sensitive to others’ feelings. You perceive that how you feel is valuable and that you’re safe when sharing your feelings. You might hear things like “How do you feel about this?” “It’s okay to feel like that,” or “What can I do to make you feel better?”

When you honor your spouse above yourself, you develop close- knit feelings of belonging. In this atmosphere, you spend a great deal of quality time together. You might hear things like “Let’s spend some time together,” “What can I do to become closer to you?” or “What can I do to make you feel closer to me?”

When you and your spouse agree to live in oneness, you’re con- sequently willing to spend more time listening and discussing in order to resolve important issues and so build intimacy. When-
ever a husband and wife agree on the main areas of their lives, they become bonded together and achieve a unique strength. Two people united are much stronger than one.

Frequent praise builds strength. The simplest way to make your spouse feel good is to say, “Well done!”

One way to cherish our mates is to help them become fulfilled as people. We can do this by discovering their personal goals and looking for ways to help them reach those objectives. We all love knowing someone is pulling for us. We should discuss our roles in marriage and what areas we need encouragement with. We should choose areas based on genuine love and not on expectations that have never been discussed.

Norma: Going by that definition of intimacy, I have to say that we really didn’t have it for the first 20 years of our marriage. It took me that long to realize the importance of sharing my feelings and to feel safe enough to do it. For 49 example, when we got married, I moved to Gary’s town and started attending his big church. We were surrounded by “his people.” I wanted them to see clearly that he really cared for me. But he never showed me any affection in public.

It was frustrating and disappointing, yet I didn’t say anything. Partly because I thought, That’s just the way he is, and partly I thought he should just know I was hurting it seemed so obvious to me.

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’ and said, ‘For this rea- son a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” — Matthew 19:4–6

Gary: There’s a good lesson for us men in that, since we’re the ones who most often are cool toward our mates in public. Namely, we can simply ask our wives, “What would you like me to do to show publicly that I love you?” And wives, if your husband doesn’t ask that question or just isn’t doing what you’d like (even if it’s only holding hands as you walk together), please take the initiative to tell him—in a loving and gentle way, of course. Please don’t expect him to read your mind!

Norma: I’m reminded of another thing we’ve learned that can greatly increase marital intimacy. In our case, I would say it has doubled it! I used to get real excited when Gary would be asked to speak on a cruise, at a beach resort, or at some other nice vacation-type spot, and I was invited to go along. My thought would be that when he wasn’t speaking, this would be a romantic, intimate getaway for the two of us. But I never told Gary that was my expectation. Again, I thought he should just know. Then, what happened every time was that about two days into the trip, Gary would want to start talking about setting goals and solving problems. I would be crushed, my dream shattered. Then I would withdraw from him physically and emotionally, be- cause I knew that kind of discussion would be long and intense.

Gary: We’ll talk in the next few pages about a couple of the things that have helped to develop more of a sense of security in our relationship. But one thing we’ve learned about how to increase intimacy in a situation like those trips is to simply agree beforehand on what we will and won’t discuss. Couples often use a date night to catch up on issues and concerns between them. That’s almost certain to escalate arguments rather than resolve them. Fortunately, I finally figured that out.

Norma: A woman equates “date” with “intimacy,” which is why she looks forward to it so much. But when the conversation turns to dealing with issues instead, it kills that feeling and ruins the evening as far as she’s concerned. What a simple thing it is to have an agreement before a date or a special vacation about what you will and won’t talk about! Yet I can say without hesitation that it has increased our intimacy and our enjoyment of those times together, by at least 100 percent. Give it a try in your marriage.