All the behavioral skills in the world won’t pump life back into an ailing marriage if the couple doesn’t trust each other, if they don’t feel safe, unconditionally loved, valued, and understood. In fact, some couples I’ve counseled used their newfound communication skills to fight more effectively. Now, I’m not saying marriage skills aren’t helpful. I teach them frequently through seminars, interviews and books I have written. What I am saying is that unless couples feel emotionally safe, close, cherished, and respected, all the skill building books and conferences in the world will fail to help them build the kind of marriage God wants for them.

And just what is the secret to building this kind of marriage? Unconditionally love. Love without condemnation. It’s the hardest kind of love to give, but the one that brings all the blessings you can hold. Would you like one good reason why you should love that blundering, frustrating, badly flawed spouse of yours unconditionally? It’s simple…because he or she needs it. When a baby is born, we love that child because he needs it. When people are starving, we feed them because they are hungry. When a friend is in emotional distress, we comfort her. And that’s the reason Jesus expressed His unconditional love for us on the cross . . . because we needed it.

He didn’t require anything from us first. As He said, even “sinners” love the people who love them. The real test is how well we love someone who does not love us well. That is the true calling of Christ (Luke 6:32-33). A safe marriage is one in which each partner loves the other simply because he or she needs it. That is the best kind of love and the secret to a secure marriage.

“What do you need…right now…to feel loved…to know you’re number one…?”

Ezra 7:28 (Those who honor God will be honored; the same is true with earthly relationships)
“And praise him for demonstrating such unfailing love to me by honoring me before the king, his council, and all his mighty princes! I felt encouraged because the gracious hand of the LORD my God was on me. And I gathered some of the leaders of Israel to return with me to Jerusalem.”

Romans 12:10 (Giving honor is better than receiving honor)
“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.”

When you learn to ask this kind of question, the focus of your relationship goes from problem focused to solution focused or a positive focus.

When you ask the question, you had better make sure you LISTEN

L ook your mate in the eyes
I nquire for clarity
S earch for the meaning
Mark 4:12
‘They see what I do, but they don’t perceive its meaning. They hear my words, but they don’t understand. So they will
not turn from their sins and be forgiven.”’
T alk in aggreement
E ngage in solutions
N ever critisize

You can not listen if you are not humble. Proud is loud!

1 Kings 19:12-13 (If we are proud we are loud and we can’t hear the gentle whisper of God, like Elijah)
“And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave.”

In Middle Eastern countries, it was the slaves who washed the feet of guests; here Christ took the place of a slave. He makes this clear to His disciples: if their Lord and Teacher has washed their feet, then they should wash one another’s feet, that is, serve each other in humility. This must have been a striking rebuke to the Twelve, for just that evening they had been debating who was to be the greatest!

Luke 22:24–26
“And they began to argue among themselves as to who would be the greatest in the coming Kingdom. Jesus told them, “In this world the kings and great men order their people around, and yet they are called ‘friends of the people.’ But among you, those who are the greatest should take the lowest rank, and the leader should be like a servant.”

Listening allows us to learn from our spouse. Talking too much can indicate that our ideas are better than our spouse’s.

James 1:19-20
“My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God’s sight.”

When we truly LISTEN, it is always followed by action.

The economic downturn of recent times has affected many individuals. However, as it turns out, this is a great time to look for love.

Over the past few months there has been a surge in numbers of people signing up to online dating sites, making them more popular than ever. Meeting someone online is fast becoming the most popular way to find a partner, but it’s also a far cheaper dating prospect than visiting bars, or for example, joining the local gym with the hope that fate will bring you and another person together.

As the credit crunch bites we all tighten our belts and contemplate the priorities in our lives. It’s why in times of economic hardship marriage and birth rates rise. Love, family and relationships become more important than buying a new car or flat screen TV.

I came across this article in the Wall Street Journal and it truly upset me:

On Sunday night, actress Marisa Tomei could take home an Academy Award for her portrayal of a kind-hearted stripper in the critically acclaimed film “The Wrestler.” In a tradition that dates as far back as the Oscar show itself, Ms. Tomei is the latest actress to win Hollywood acclaim for playing a character with a job in the sex industry, such as a striptease artist or streetwalker.

Four years ago, Natalie Portman was nominated for playing a young stripper in Mike Nichols’s steamy drama “Closer,” and just a year earlier Charlize Theron won an Oscar for her role as a real-life prostitute-turned-serial killer (in “Monster”). In the decade before that, Elisabeth Shue, Mira Sorvino and Julia Roberts all became Oscar nominees (or winners) for playing women who sell their bodies but guard their hearts — one of Hollywood’s longtime fascinations.

Taking the job was a no-brainer for Ms. Tomei, who hopes her performance will help her land leading roles in future films. “When I was offered the part, I was told it was going to be emotionally taxing — but those things to an actor are sweet sounds. I’ve always felt that there was such strong creative expression in [pole] dancing, even if it’s deemed low-brow entertainment,” says Ms. Tomei, who wore little more than a G-string in several scenes in the movie. (you can read the rest here)

Why does Hollywood want to normalize hurtful behavior?  They constantly attack our minds, our children, our values by shoving their own agenda down our virtual throats! Stripping is not cool, fabulous, fancy, funky, or anything any other non-negative word.  It is hurtful, harmful, damaging, and a disgusting abuse on women.  Hollywood will try to “sex” it up but I promise you, if you were to meet and have an honest discussion with a stripper, you are not going to hear a glamorous story.

We need to be vigilant about guarding the minds and the hearts of our children against Hollywood’s attack on our moral values.  Do not panic when Hollywood tries to shove their agenda in to the minds of your children.  Use it against them by addressing it head on with honesty.  Let their gross understanding of life be your opportunity to teach your children what God says about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness.

There are five acts of love that will totally rock your marriage!  They might sound kind of cliche at first, but stay with me because if you and your spouse will implement these five things in to your marriage you will never stop thanking me for this post!

You see, when people first get married they simply believe that their love is true and their love will last.  But as many suffer through the effects of divorce, this belief is obviously not enough to keep the marriage healthy and thriving.  No matter how you start off in your marriage, happy, sad, thriving, or stumbling through the gate, every couple has to learn these five acts of love if they are going to remain happy.

ACT ONE – HAVE FUN TOGETHER

I know this first act seems a tad obvious, but ask yourself this (especially if you are stressed out in your marriage), when is the last time you just went out together and had fun? Been a while hasn’t it.  Kids, the economy, the fact that you don’t like each other are all forces working against you simply going out and having fun.  But do not (absolutely refuse) allow these factors to keep you from having fun together!

Pick a night of the week you can designate as fun time for your marriage. Keep this night sacred.  Do not give yourself excuses to miss this night and do not allow yourself to have conflict on this night.  If something happens during the evening and you get your feelings hurt, save the discussion for later when you return home.  If it is still an issue for you, then you can have a calm discussion about the problem, but just not on your date.

ACT TWO – JOIN A SMALL GROUP TOGETHER

One of the best predictors of health for a couple is whether or not they are actively involved in a small group or Sunday school class with other couples.  Whenever I do a Marriage Restoration intensive I make sure and have the couple agree to joining a small group if they are not already involved in one (most of them are not, which is not surprising).

Small groups provide support, encouragement, and accountability.  These are all things that help encourage you to be healthy and out of conflict.

ACT THREE – LEARN TO RESOLVE CONFLICT

Do you know how to resolve conflict? Probably not, and believe me when I write, most people do not know how to resolve conflict when they get married.  Conflict resolution is not a natural skill, in fact, we are more naturally prone to mess up conflict resolution!

We teach a communication skill called LUV Talk, you can learn more about this through our Embrace audio series and the DNA of Relationships DVD series.  If books are more your style, then check out The Marriage You’ve Always Dreamed of and More Than a Match.

ACT FOUR – KEEP FUN TIME SACRED

And no, this act is not the same as act one, but it does compliment act one quite nicely.  Dr. John Gottman says that couples who are happily married have a 5 to 1 positive experience to every negative experience together.  So one of the smartest things you will ever do for your marriage is keep fun time sacred.  What does this mean you ask? It means that you do not argue or mess up fun time if one of your buttons gets pushed.  You simply call a time-out and agree to discuss whatever came up later at home or after the vacation is over.  Do not ruin a perfectly good date night be getting in to conflict. You will start noticing that some of the things you get all worked up over end up not being that big of a deal by the time you get home.

ACT FIVE – GIVE ALLOWANCES FOR EACH OTHER’S FAULTS

Your spouse is not perfect, and the big secret is, neither are you! So relax a little bit when your spouse makes a mistake.  Giving allowances for each other’s faults is like giving your spouse a present they did not ask for, but are blown away by.  The more we can take a deep breath and relax with our spouse, the more we will create an environment our spouse actually enjoys.  The more our spouse enjoys our company, the better our marriage is going to be.

I hope you take each of these five recommendations to heart and implement them in to your marriage.  Great marriages do not just magically happen, they are the result of your own hard work.

In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busily working when a new voice came over the loud speaker asking for a carry out at register 4. Kurtis was almost finished, and wanted to get some fresh air, and decided to answer the call. As he approached the check-out stand a distant smile caught his eye, the new check-out girl was beautiful. She was an older woman (maybe 26, and he was only 22) and he fell in love.

Later that day, after his shift was over, he waited by the punch clock to find out her name. She came into the break room, smiled softly at him, took her card and punched out, then left. He looked at her card, BRENDA. He walked out only to see her start walking up the road. Next day, he waited outside as she left the supermarket, and offered her a ride home. He looked harmless enough, and she accepted. When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could see her again, outside of work. She simply said it wasn’t possible.

He pressed and she explained she had two children and she couldn’t afford a baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the baby-sitter. Reluctantly she accepted his offer for a date for the following Saturday. That Saturday night he arrived at her door only to have her tell him that she was unable to go with him. The baby-sitter had called and canceled. To which Kurtis simply said, “Well, let’s take the kids with us.”

She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option, but again not taking no for an answer, he pressed. Finally Brenda, brought him inside to meet
her children. She had an older daughter Jessie, who was just as cute as a bug, Kurtis thought, then Brenda brought out her son, Zachary in a wheelchair. He was born a
paraplegic with Down Syndrome.

Kurtis asked Brenda, “I still don’t understand why the kids can’t come with us?” Brenda was amazed. Most men would run away from a woman with two kids, especially if one had disabilities – just like her first husband and father of her children had done. Kurtis was not ordinary – - – he had a different mindset.

That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to dinner and the movies. When her son needed anything Kurtis would take care of him. When he needed to use the restroom, he picked him up out of his wheelchair, took him and brought him back. The kids loved Kurtis. At the end of the evening, Brenda knew this was the man she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life with.

A year later, they were married and Kurtis adopted Jessie and Zachary. Since then Brenda and Kurtis have added five children of their own: sons Elijah and Kade, daughter Jada, and twin girls Sierra Rose and Sienna Rae.

So what happened to Kurtis the stock boy and Brenda the check-out girl? Well, Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona , where he is currently employed as the quarterback of the National Football League Arizona Cardinals and has his Cardinals in the hunt for a possible appearance in the Super Bowl. Is this a surprise ending or could you have guessed that he was not an ordinary person. Both Brenda and Kurt are active born-again Christians.

It should be noted that he also quarterbacked the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI. He has also been the NLF’s Most Valuable Player twice and the Super Bowl’s Most Valuable Player.

The picture above was taken Feb. 12, 2005 while, then, New York quarterback Kurt Warner, and his wife Brenda Warner, listen as they are explained the medical capabilities of the Military Sealift Command (MSC) hospital ship USNS Mercy (T-AH 19) as they visit an injured Indonesian boy. Warner and his,then, teammate, Giants wide receiver Amani Toomer, visited the crew and patients aboard the hospital ship. Mercy was off the waters of Indonesia in support of Operation Unified Assistance, the humanitarian relief effort to aid the victims of the tsunami that struck Southeast Asia.

IF YOU, AS I DO, THINK THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY, PASS IT ON.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13: 6 – 7

I carry a secret weapon with me 24-7. I sleep with it, shower with it, run with it, and carpool with it. I even travel with it, making it through airport security unseen. I slip right through with no alarm systems beeping at me, with this weapon at my side.

This secret weapon is called empathy, and I’ve learned to keep it with me at all times. The word “empathy” means identifying and understanding another’s situation, feelings and motives, and I’ve learned to use it daily in my life. I’ve found that my marriage particularly benefits from a daily injection of empathy!

“Holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes, Prof and Dr Sambili sang together: “I want God to use me…”"

http://www.eastandard.net/InsidePage.php?id=1143997841&cid=499

Hi Michael I have a favor to ask you…What is the different between love and being in love?

Here was my answer, I thought many of you might like reading this response and I pray it is encouraging to you:

What a great question Belky! Here’s the difference, when you are “in love”, that can always go away, because feelings come and go. That kind of love is situational and based on feelings and how well you’re being treated or feel at the time. But when you love someone, that is a decision and is not prone to emotional quirks, but rather fortified through commitment. That is the kind of love that is real. And incidentally, when you choose to love someone, no matter what, the feelings of love always follow =]

The first thing you did was make a commitment on the day of your wedding to never divorce. You even went as far as signing a marriage covenant so you could make your emotional reality a legal reality as well. You looked in to each other’s eyes and you chose to never divorce and never give up.

You chose to forgive and to give grace. When you fought, and there were some doozies, you always came back to each other and settled on a solution that worked for both of you. You did not hide away resentment and bitterness, hoping it would not come back to hurt you. Instead, you rose above the hurt and frustration and loved each other as unconditionally as you could.

You got involved in a community that supported your marriage.  You met each week, for many years, with a group of close friends who were committed to the same kind of marriage you were committed to.  You learned together, resolved conflict together, and encouraged each other.  In fact, now that you have moved in to the retirement community, you have found a new group to continue living life together.

What an example you have been to your family, friends, and coworkers.  Your love is the kind of love that thrived because you worked at it every day.

This is one way to tackle the divorce problem here in the America.  Check out IHateHimSoMuch.com and discover what they are encouraging you to do to help your marriage:

Your honeymoon is over. Your wedding album is gathering dust. And now the man of your dreams is giving you nightmares.

Welcome to the real world.

Real marriages take real work. But they offer real rewards. 
How to get the marriage you want:

• The voodoo doll. Go ahead: Stick a pin where he deserves it. You might get some ideas along the way.
• Make a love potion. OK, so you can’t drink it: But the right emotional ingredientswill work magic on your marriage. Click on the tabs above to learn how.

The reason I am posting these images is two fold: 1. They are hilarious, and frightening! 2. They remind me, believe it or not, of a marriage principle.

How could these photos possibly remind me of a marriage principle? The point of the photos in the email I received from a friend was to show that the last picture is always the worst. In marriage, this can be equally true when you do not know how to communicate effectively.

Usually the last word ends up being the last.

Here are some great resources we have to help you learn how to better communicate:

• Embrace: 7 powerful discoveries to help any marriage! This series has an excellent session on LUV Talk, which is our communication method for when you are in conflict.
• Reconstructing Love: 4 essentials for lasting love. This DVD series comes with a free workbook and has two really great sessions on how to handle anger and to communicate more effectively with each other.

The greatest example a family can be for those around them is one.  When a family loves each other, serves each other, cares for each other’s needs the rest of the world will take notice.  

John 17:20-24 (NLT)

20 “I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. 21 I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.

 22 “I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. 23 I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me. 24 Father, I want these whom you have given me to be with me where I am. Then they can see all the glory you gave me because you loved me even before the world began!

If you want to know how to be one as a family, look no further than Jesus’ 8 Beatitudes:

Matthew 5:3-10 (NLT)

3 “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. 4 God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 5 God blesses those who are humble,  for they will inherit the whole earth. 6 God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,  for they will be satisfied.  7 God blesses those who are merciful,  for they will be shown mercy.  8 God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. 9 God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God. 10 God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

When you take on the kind of personality described in Matthew 5 it makes it easier for you to become one as a family.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1. Why do we want to be one as a family?
2. What is a ‘beatitude’?
3. How can we apply this as a family to our neighbors?

I believe making plans together, for the future, is a critical element to a happy and satisfied marriage. At one point during our ride we purposefully headed toward this fancy neighborhood in our area because Amy wanted me to see the framing job of a new house (Her dad has been a framer for over 40 years!).

When we stepped inside the home we started dreaming together on the kind of home we’d like to build some day with her dad. It was only about 10 minutes worth of exploring the newly framed house, but that 10 minutes provided a lifetime of love for each other and plans for the future.