How often do we hear that said? Well, there�s a reason for that. It�s the DNA: You are made to need relationships. Even when they are hard, difficult, or just plain frustrating, you need relationships. It�s the way you are wired. You have a longing to belong to someone, to be wanted and cherished for the valued person you are.

Relationships are not an option. From the moment you�re born, you�re in relationship to parents. Soon you�re in relationship with other children. Later you have relationships in the workplace, and you develop relationships with close friends. And eventually most develop a relationship with someone in marriage.

When a relationship becomes difficult or painful, we tend to dismiss the relationship and maybe for a while try to abandon all relationships. But eventually we come back and seek connection once again.

While we can choose how we will participate in relationships, we have no choice about whether we will participate in them. This is a critical point. Your only real choice is whether you will work to make your relationships healthy, whether you will do things that hinder or enhance them.

Let�s look more closely at the components of the first strand of the DNA of relationships. Encoded in the Adam and Eve story is the same relationship truth given by Christ as the greatest commandment: Love God and others like yourself. Similarly, we have found that when you actively develop the same three relationships, you lay the foundation to a healthier you in every way. Our DNA is that you are hardwired for three kinds of relationships�with others, with yourself, and with God. This design feature is true for all of us�whether or not we recognize it and whether or not we act in line with it. It just is.

Most people understand how they�re in relationship to others. Many people don�t really understand how they�re in relationship to themselves (and this is a key problem in making sense of all relationships). And some people don�t want to admit they�re in relationship to God. But they are.
You are made for three kinds of relationships: with others, with yourself, and with God.

As we will see, each of these relationships is not only important, but each is intricately interrelated. If one relationship is out of balance, the others will be affected.

What�s exciting is that we can unravel the secrets of this DNA code, and by doing so discover the answers to our relationship problems.

You Have a Relationship with Others

You are created for relationship with others. That seems like a no-brainer. We all have relationships�with family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, teammates, and others. What are your relationships like? Are they strong, satisfying, nurturing, respectful, and exciting? Or are they disappointing, strained, distant, painful, and frustrating? You probably have some of both. If you accept the DNA truth that you are made for relationships with others, every chapter in this book will help you build more loving and satisfying relationships. But it�s a life time of necessary and satisfying work.

Not long ago I was on a plane to San Francisco for a relationship conference and a woman recognized me, introduced herself, and mentioned that she had used some of the videotapes I did some years back. Sarah thanked me for helping her though a difficult time. Expecting to hear a success story, I asked her how the relationship was going now.

Sarah hesitated, then simply said, �Well, that relationship ended awhile ago.�
�Sorry to hear that,� I said. �What was the problem?�
This time she didn�t hesitate: �The problem was him. He didn�t really respect me.�
�I see,� I responded.
�I�m in another relationship now. This one�s better.� Sarah laughed. �He�s got problems too, but this one�s better.�

Sarah�s story is really not that remarkable. And that�s the point. Her situation is a common one, repeated in many lives over and over: �The problem was him.�

Does this sound at all familiar? Things haven�t changed much through the millennia. It�s the same blame game that Adam and Eve played, pointing to the other person as the source of the problem.

What about your troubled relationships? Do you hear yourself making similar statements about the other people? Do you see the problems as their fault?

Most psychologists and counselors recognize this basic relationship truth: It�s never just about the other person. If the problem were always the other person, then we wouldn�t have counselors and therapists. We�d hire a �relationship repairperson� and send him or her over to the other person�s house!

It�s never just about the other person.

I want you to think about this: The problem you have with another person is often a problem you have with yourself. Now, you may be talking back at me, saying, �No, Gary, I have to tell you, this other person really bad and did me wrong.�

Maybe so. But I�m guessing that there�s more to it than that. Because usually there is.
Usually the pain that another person causes you is coming out of a fear or insecurity you have about yourself. Think about it: If someone says something about you that you know isn�t true, then it�s not really a problem. You are hurt by what people say or do only when something rings true.
Let me use a simple and obvious example. Let�s say you�re six feet two inches tall. By most standards, you�re considered a tall person. Let�s say that at a party a friend calls you �Shorty.� Now, there�s no reason for you to take offense, and you probably wouldn�t. In fact, other people would look at your friend oddly because she was saying something that was obviously not true about you. You aren�t particularly offended because you are confident inside yourself that what was said wasn�t true.

But let�s say that at the same party, your friend calls you �Skyscraper.� Now this bothers you. Why? Perhaps because you�re insecure about being too tall. What she said pushes a button inside you. You�re thinking, It might be true. I�m too tall. I�m faulty as a person.

At that point, you assume your friend was doing you wrong, was making fun of you. Yet, for all you know, maybe she was saying it as friendly teasing, or even perhaps she (being on the short side) admired you for being taller. And yes, it�s possible she was being mean. But even then, the real problem isn�t really what she said. The problem is how you see yourself. You reacted to what she said based on some inner fear of not being normal or feeling somehow defective. How many times in relationships are you blinded by what others say? You�re offended by someone else, and that, then, becomes a relationship problem. Instead you need to take a look at yourself, clearly and objectively. You need to point the camera at yourself through the right lens.

Note that I�m not saying that the problem here is that you are too tall. You may not be. Many times the statement that offends us isn�t true at all. The problem is how we react to what others do or say. Any accurate snapshot of a relationship problem never focuses just on the other person�the picture must also include you.

You can probably see the third DNA strand�You are made for responsibility for yourself�weaving itself through this discussion. When you violate that DNA and blame other people, you are placing the responsibility for the relationship problems on them. Only when you recognize your own responsibility will you begin to find a way out of the problem. I call this the Power of One, and because it is so important, I�ll discuss it fully in chapter 4.

You Have a Relationship with Yourself

Does it surprise you to think about having a relationship with yourself? Somehow this simple relationship truth escapes so many of us so much of the time. But this understanding is critical to successful relationships.

Part of your resistance to paying attention to your relationship to yourself may be that it sounds, well, self-centered. And it is to some extent. But as with all relationships, it�s all about balance. It is unhealthy to be too focused on your relationship to yourself; it can lead to what psychologists call narcissism. However, it is just as unhealthy to belittle, dismiss, or ignore yourself.

Do you have a healthy, dynamic relationship with yourself? Are you on good terms? Do you think of yourself as important? Do you like yourself? Do you accept yourself? Do you forgive yourself? Do you take care of yourself?

One of the things I see so clearly in our intensive center is the difference between people who don�t have a healthy relationship with themselves and those who do.

One of the women who came to see us is Mary and she had been dealing with alcoholism. It�s quite a struggle. Besides the problem of her dependency on alcohol, her addiction affects all the relationships in her life. She had become distant from her husband and neglectful of her children. She has good days when she was more communicative, but other days she dropped out of sight for hours on end. She barely spoke to her husband Tom, and she often forgot to pick up her kids at school.

Mary is unaware of what she does to the people in her life, unaware of how her behaviors affect relationships. When asked why she does what she does, she mutters, �I dunno� and had a blank look on her face. She looked and sounded helpless about herself. She consistently seemed unable to see her own behaviors, to understand anything about she affected others, or ultimately to have any perspective about herself in the world.

Now, addictions are very hard to overcome, no question. I don�t minimize the difficulties that Mary faced on a daily basis. But we helped her see that she�ll never climb out of her situation until she sees herself honestly and objectively which is the starting place for her developing a healthy relationship with herself.

Susan also struggles with alcoholism. She was much like Mary, helpless in the face of her addiction and unaware of herself. But then she gave birth to a baby girl. Once the baby was born it caused her to see how her addiction could hurt her child in a major way. She wasn�t as motivated to change because the addiction was hurting just her, but when the baby came and with it the potential of hurting her child, then she made major changes.

She was able to step apart from herself and see herself objectively as if �she� were another person. It was as if she saw herself through a camera lens with her daughter in the picture. She didn�t like everything she saw�an addicted woman who thought she had no choices�but facing that reality helped her begin the process of change. Once she saw her own actions and how they affected others, she could take personal responsibility for those actions.

Soon Susan started making changes in her lifestyle and fighting the addiction that had controlled her. (Do you see the third strand here again? You are made for responsibility for yourself.) She started taking care of herself. She got into AA, which has been immensely helpful.

All of this started when Susan saw herself through the camera lens and started developing a healthy relationship with herself.

People who do have a healthy relationship with themselves�who take responsibility and take care of themselves�are better positioned to deal with relationship problems because they can see themselves objectively.

The relationship truth is this: Put yourself in the picture. When you master this skill�seeing a picture image of both the other person and yourself in the same frame�you suddenly have a perspective on yourself with others. You can see the consequence of your own actions and the effect they have on the feelings of your friends and family. And you can adjust your words and behaviors accordingly.

Put yourself in the picture.

One of the things you immediately notice about people who have a healthy relationship with themselves is that they take care of themselves�their bodies, their minds, their emotions, and their spirits. This relates to the importance of self-care, which I�ll discuss fully in chapter 5. When we teach this concept of a relationship with self at our intensives, people just come alive. When they accept this truth and start thinking about the future of taking better care of themselves, they get very excited and hopeful.

But be prepared for something else.

I have to admit, sometimes when I see snapshots of myself, I don�t always like what I see. I look across a row of beautiful smiling faces�my children and grandchildren, my wife, and then I see my smiling self�and I think, Is that really me?

If you look at yourself through the camera lens, you may not like what you see. Some of what you see�in your behaviors, in the responses of other people, in the attitudes that you cast out among others�just won�t be pretty.

The danger is that you�ll run from the ugly stuff and put away the camera. In fact, that�s why people avoid developing an honest, objective relationship with themselves in the first place�because they�re afraid of what they�ll see. But some people dare to look at themselves, and when they do, it yields great results in their relationships.

Although it�s good for us to look at ourselves through a camera lens, many of us use the wrong lens. Sometimes we use the lens that Hollywood uses when filming aging actors and actresses�the soft-focus lens that blurs out the wrinkles. Other times we use distorted lens, like carnival funhouse mirrors, which makes us look uglier than we are.

I believe that the most objective and true camera lens is God�s. And that brings us to the third key relationship in our DNA. Again, as soon as our intensive couples realize that they need a relationship with God for many reasons. They need God for the empowerment to change in the first place and they need him because he fulfills us in supernatural ways. God takes the pressure off of our mate, children, friends because he is our primary source of fulfillment.

You Have a Relationship with God

Your most important relationship is with God, the source of all life. Some people may not want to admit that they have a relationship with God. They may say, �I abandoned God a long time ago. I have no relationship with him.�

I maintain that we all have a relationship with God, whether or not we like it. Even people who don�t believe he exists nevertheless have a relationship with him�a bad or dysfunctional one, but a relationship nonetheless. Think of the physical world. You have a father, whether or not you like it. He may be living or dead, a man of integrity or a criminal. But you have a father. Your relationship with him may be wonderfully nurturing or deeply hurtful. It may be intimate or cold as ice. But you have a relationship with him.

The reality is that you have a relationship with God, and he created you to need a relationship with him. In fact, recent scientific findings have led researchers to believe that the human brain itself is �hardwired� for God. A Newsweek cover story carried the intriguing headline, �God and the Brain: How We�re Wired for Spirituality.�

God is serious about his relationship to you. In fact, the Bible says that �He is a God who is passionate about his relationship with you.� If you ignore this relationship, if it becomes out of balance, then all of your other relationships will also be out of kilter.

All the behavioral skills in the world won�t pump life back into an ailing marriage if the couple doesn�t trust each other, if they don�t feel safe, unconditionally loved, valued, and understood. In fact, some couples I�ve counseled used their newfound communication skills to fight more effectively. Now, I�m not saying marriage skills aren�t helpful. I teach them frequently through seminars, interviews and books I have written. What I am saying is that unless couples feel emotionally safe, close, cherished, and respected, all the skill building books and conferences in the world will fail to help them build the kind of marriage God wants for them.

And just what is the secret to building this kind of marriage? Unconditionally love. Love without condemnation. It�s the hardest kind of love to give, but the one that brings all the blessings you can hold. Would you like one good reason why you should love that blundering, frustrating, badly flawed spouse of yours unconditionally? It�s simple�because he or she needs it. When a baby is born, we love that child because he needs it. When people are starving, we feed them because they are hungry. When a friend is in emotional distress, we comfort her. And that�s the reason Jesus expressed His unconditional love for us on the cross . . . because we needed it.

He didn�t require anything from us first. As He said, even �sinners� love the people who love them. The real test is how well we love someone who does not love us well. That is the true calling of Christ (Luke 6:32-33). A safe marriage is one in which each partner loves the other simply because he or she needs it. That is the best kind of love and the secret to a secure marriage.

“What do you need…right now…to feel loved…to know you’re number one…?”

Ezra 7:28 (Those who honor God will be honored; the same is true with earthly relationships)
“And praise him for demonstrating such unfailing love to me by honoring me before the king, his council, and all his mighty princes! I felt encouraged because the gracious hand of the LORD my God was on me. And I gathered some of the leaders of Israel to return with me to Jerusalem.”

Romans 12:10 (Giving honor is better than receiving honor)
“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.”

When you learn to ask this kind of question, the focus of your relationship goes from problem focused to solution focused or a positive focus.

When you ask the question, you had better make sure you LISTEN

L ook your mate in the eyes
I nquire for clarity
S earch for the meaning
Mark 4:12
‘They see what I do, but they don’t perceive its meaning. They hear my words, but they don’t understand. So they will
not turn from their sins and be forgiven.”’
T alk in aggreement
E ngage in solutions
N ever critisize

You can not listen if you are not humble. Proud is loud!

1 Kings 19:12-13 (If we are proud we are loud and we can’t hear the gentle whisper of God, like Elijah)
“And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave.”

In Middle Eastern countries, it was the slaves who washed the feet of guests; here Christ took the place of a slave. He makes this clear to His disciples: if their Lord and Teacher has washed their feet, then they should wash one another’s feet, that is, serve each other in humility. This must have been a striking rebuke to the Twelve, for just that evening they had been debating who was to be the greatest!

Luke 22:24–26
“And they began to argue among themselves as to who would be the greatest in the coming Kingdom. Jesus told them, “In this world the kings and great men order their people around, and yet they are called ‘friends of the people.’ But among you, those who are the greatest should take the lowest rank, and the leader should be like a servant.”

Listening allows us to learn from our spouse. Talking too much can indicate that our ideas are better than our spouse’s.

James 1:19-20
“My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God’s sight.”

When we truly LISTEN, it is always followed by action.

The economic downturn of recent times has affected many individuals. However, as it turns out, this is a great time to look for love.

Over the past few months there has been a surge in numbers of people signing up to online dating sites, making them more popular than ever. Meeting someone online is fast becoming the most popular way to find a partner, but it’s also a far cheaper dating prospect than visiting bars, or for example, joining the local gym with the hope that fate will bring you and another person together.

As the credit crunch bites we all tighten our belts and contemplate the priorities in our lives. It’s why in times of economic hardship marriage and birth rates rise. Love, family and relationships become more important than buying a new car or flat screen TV.

I came across this article in the Wall Street Journal and it truly upset me:

On Sunday night, actress Marisa Tomei could take home an Academy Award for her portrayal of a kind-hearted stripper in the critically acclaimed film “The Wrestler.” In a tradition that dates as far back as the Oscar show itself, Ms. Tomei is the latest actress to win Hollywood acclaim for playing a character with a job in the sex industry, such as a striptease artist or streetwalker.

Four years ago, Natalie Portman was nominated for playing a young stripper in Mike Nichols’s steamy drama “Closer,” and just a year earlier Charlize Theron won an Oscar for her role as a real-life prostitute-turned-serial killer (in “Monster”). In the decade before that, Elisabeth Shue, Mira Sorvino and Julia Roberts all became Oscar nominees (or winners) for playing women who sell their bodies but guard their hearts — one of Hollywood’s longtime fascinations.

Taking the job was a no-brainer for Ms. Tomei, who hopes her performance will help her land leading roles in future films. “When I was offered the part, I was told it was going to be emotionally taxing — but those things to an actor are sweet sounds. I’ve always felt that there was such strong creative expression in [pole] dancing, even if it’s deemed low-brow entertainment,” says Ms. Tomei, who wore little more than a G-string in several scenes in the movie. (you can read the rest here)

Why does Hollywood want to normalize hurtful behavior?  They constantly attack our minds, our children, our values by shoving their own agenda down our virtual throats! Stripping is not cool, fabulous, fancy, funky, or anything any other non-negative word.  It is hurtful, harmful, damaging, and a disgusting abuse on women.  Hollywood will try to “sex” it up but I promise you, if you were to meet and have an honest discussion with a stripper, you are not going to hear a glamorous story.

We need to be vigilant about guarding the minds and the hearts of our children against Hollywood’s attack on our moral values.  Do not panic when Hollywood tries to shove their agenda in to the minds of your children.  Use it against them by addressing it head on with honesty.  Let their gross understanding of life be your opportunity to teach your children what God says about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness.

There are five acts of love that will totally rock your marriage!  They might sound kind of cliche at first, but stay with me because if you and your spouse will implement these five things in to your marriage you will never stop thanking me for this post!

You see, when people first get married they simply believe that their love is true and their love will last.  But as many suffer through the effects of divorce, this belief is obviously not enough to keep the marriage healthy and thriving.  No matter how you start off in your marriage, happy, sad, thriving, or stumbling through the gate, every couple has to learn these five acts of love if they are going to remain happy.

ACT ONE – HAVE FUN TOGETHER

I know this first act seems a tad obvious, but ask yourself this (especially if you are stressed out in your marriage), when is the last time you just went out together and had fun? Been a while hasn’t it.  Kids, the economy, the fact that you don’t like each other are all forces working against you simply going out and having fun.  But do not (absolutely refuse) allow these factors to keep you from having fun together!

Pick a night of the week you can designate as fun time for your marriage. Keep this night sacred.  Do not give yourself excuses to miss this night and do not allow yourself to have conflict on this night.  If something happens during the evening and you get your feelings hurt, save the discussion for later when you return home.  If it is still an issue for you, then you can have a calm discussion about the problem, but just not on your date.

ACT TWO – JOIN A SMALL GROUP TOGETHER

One of the best predictors of health for a couple is whether or not they are actively involved in a small group or Sunday school class with other couples.  Whenever I do a Marriage Restoration intensive I make sure and have the couple agree to joining a small group if they are not already involved in one (most of them are not, which is not surprising).

Small groups provide support, encouragement, and accountability.  These are all things that help encourage you to be healthy and out of conflict.

ACT THREE – LEARN TO RESOLVE CONFLICT

Do you know how to resolve conflict? Probably not, and believe me when I write, most people do not know how to resolve conflict when they get married.  Conflict resolution is not a natural skill, in fact, we are more naturally prone to mess up conflict resolution!

We teach a communication skill called LUV Talk, you can learn more about this through our Embrace audio series and the DNA of Relationships DVD series.  If books are more your style, then check out The Marriage You’ve Always Dreamed of and More Than a Match.

ACT FOUR – KEEP FUN TIME SACRED

And no, this act is not the same as act one, but it does compliment act one quite nicely.  Dr. John Gottman says that couples who are happily married have a 5 to 1 positive experience to every negative experience together.  So one of the smartest things you will ever do for your marriage is keep fun time sacred.  What does this mean you ask? It means that you do not argue or mess up fun time if one of your buttons gets pushed.  You simply call a time-out and agree to discuss whatever came up later at home or after the vacation is over.  Do not ruin a perfectly good date night be getting in to conflict. You will start noticing that some of the things you get all worked up over end up not being that big of a deal by the time you get home.

ACT FIVE – GIVE ALLOWANCES FOR EACH OTHER’S FAULTS

Your spouse is not perfect, and the big secret is, neither are you! So relax a little bit when your spouse makes a mistake.  Giving allowances for each other’s faults is like giving your spouse a present they did not ask for, but are blown away by.  The more we can take a deep breath and relax with our spouse, the more we will create an environment our spouse actually enjoys.  The more our spouse enjoys our company, the better our marriage is going to be.

I hope you take each of these five recommendations to heart and implement them in to your marriage.  Great marriages do not just magically happen, they are the result of your own hard work.

In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busily working when a new voice came over the loud speaker asking for a carry out at register 4. Kurtis was almost finished, and wanted to get some fresh air, and decided to answer the call. As he approached the check-out stand a distant smile caught his eye, the new check-out girl was beautiful. She was an older woman (maybe 26, and he was only 22) and he fell in love.

Later that day, after his shift was over, he waited by the punch clock to find out her name. She came into the break room, smiled softly at him, took her card and punched out, then left. He looked at her card, BRENDA. He walked out only to see her start walking up the road. Next day, he waited outside as she left the supermarket, and offered her a ride home. He looked harmless enough, and she accepted. When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could see her again, outside of work. She simply said it wasn’t possible.

He pressed and she explained she had two children and she couldn’t afford a baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the baby-sitter. Reluctantly she accepted his offer for a date for the following Saturday. That Saturday night he arrived at her door only to have her tell him that she was unable to go with him. The baby-sitter had called and canceled. To which Kurtis simply said, “Well, let’s take the kids with us.”

She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option, but again not taking no for an answer, he pressed. Finally Brenda, brought him inside to meet
her children. She had an older daughter Jessie, who was just as cute as a bug, Kurtis thought, then Brenda brought out her son, Zachary in a wheelchair. He was born a
paraplegic with Down Syndrome.

Kurtis asked Brenda, “I still don’t understand why the kids can’t come with us?” Brenda was amazed. Most men would run away from a woman with two kids, especially if one had disabilities – just like her first husband and father of her children had done. Kurtis was not ordinary – - – he had a different mindset.

That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to dinner and the movies. When her son needed anything Kurtis would take care of him. When he needed to use the restroom, he picked him up out of his wheelchair, took him and brought him back. The kids loved Kurtis. At the end of the evening, Brenda knew this was the man she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life with.

A year later, they were married and Kurtis adopted Jessie and Zachary. Since then Brenda and Kurtis have added five children of their own: sons Elijah and Kade, daughter Jada, and twin girls Sierra Rose and Sienna Rae.

So what happened to Kurtis the stock boy and Brenda the check-out girl? Well, Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona , where he is currently employed as the quarterback of the National Football League Arizona Cardinals and has his Cardinals in the hunt for a possible appearance in the Super Bowl. Is this a surprise ending or could you have guessed that he was not an ordinary person. Both Brenda and Kurt are active born-again Christians.

It should be noted that he also quarterbacked the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI. He has also been the NLF’s Most Valuable Player twice and the Super Bowl’s Most Valuable Player.

The picture above was taken Feb. 12, 2005 while, then, New York quarterback Kurt Warner, and his wife Brenda Warner, listen as they are explained the medical capabilities of the Military Sealift Command (MSC) hospital ship USNS Mercy (T-AH 19) as they visit an injured Indonesian boy. Warner and his,then, teammate, Giants wide receiver Amani Toomer, visited the crew and patients aboard the hospital ship. Mercy was off the waters of Indonesia in support of Operation Unified Assistance, the humanitarian relief effort to aid the victims of the tsunami that struck Southeast Asia.

IF YOU, AS I DO, THINK THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY, PASS IT ON.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13: 6 – 7

I carry a secret weapon with me 24-7. I sleep with it, shower with it, run with it, and carpool with it. I even travel with it, making it through airport security unseen. I slip right through with no alarm systems beeping at me, with this weapon at my side.

This secret weapon is called empathy, and I’ve learned to keep it with me at all times. The word “empathy” means identifying and understanding another’s situation, feelings and motives, and I’ve learned to use it daily in my life. I’ve found that my marriage particularly benefits from a daily injection of empathy!

“Holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes, Prof and Dr Sambili sang together: “I want God to use me…”"

http://www.eastandard.net/InsidePage.php?id=1143997841&cid=499

Hi Michael I have a favor to ask you…What is the different between love and being in love?

Here was my answer, I thought many of you might like reading this response and I pray it is encouraging to you:

What a great question Belky! Here’s the difference, when you are “in love”, that can always go away, because feelings come and go. That kind of love is situational and based on feelings and how well you’re being treated or feel at the time. But when you love someone, that is a decision and is not prone to emotional quirks, but rather fortified through commitment. That is the kind of love that is real. And incidentally, when you choose to love someone, no matter what, the feelings of love always follow =]

The first thing you did was make a commitment on the day of your wedding to never divorce. You even went as far as signing a marriage covenant so you could make your emotional reality a legal reality as well. You looked in to each other’s eyes and you chose to never divorce and never give up.

You chose to forgive and to give grace. When you fought, and there were some doozies, you always came back to each other and settled on a solution that worked for both of you. You did not hide away resentment and bitterness, hoping it would not come back to hurt you. Instead, you rose above the hurt and frustration and loved each other as unconditionally as you could.

You got involved in a community that supported your marriage.  You met each week, for many years, with a group of close friends who were committed to the same kind of marriage you were committed to.  You learned together, resolved conflict together, and encouraged each other.  In fact, now that you have moved in to the retirement community, you have found a new group to continue living life together.

What an example you have been to your family, friends, and coworkers.  Your love is the kind of love that thrived because you worked at it every day.

This is one way to tackle the divorce problem here in the America.  Check out IHateHimSoMuch.com and discover what they are encouraging you to do to help your marriage:

Your honeymoon is over. Your wedding album is gathering dust. And now the man of your dreams is giving you nightmares.

Welcome to the real world.

Real marriages take real work. But they offer real rewards. 
How to get the marriage you want:

• The voodoo doll. Go ahead: Stick a pin where he deserves it. You might get some ideas along the way.
• Make a love potion. OK, so you can’t drink it: But the right emotional ingredientswill work magic on your marriage. Click on the tabs above to learn how.

The reason I am posting these images is two fold: 1. They are hilarious, and frightening! 2. They remind me, believe it or not, of a marriage principle.

How could these photos possibly remind me of a marriage principle? The point of the photos in the email I received from a friend was to show that the last picture is always the worst. In marriage, this can be equally true when you do not know how to communicate effectively.

Usually the last word ends up being the last.

Here are some great resources we have to help you learn how to better communicate:

• Embrace: 7 powerful discoveries to help any marriage! This series has an excellent session on LUV Talk, which is our communication method for when you are in conflict.
• Reconstructing Love: 4 essentials for lasting love. This DVD series comes with a free workbook and has two really great sessions on how to handle anger and to communicate more effectively with each other.

The greatest example a family can be for those around them is one.  When a family loves each other, serves each other, cares for each other’s needs the rest of the world will take notice.  

John 17:20-24 (NLT)

20 “I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. 21 I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.

 22 “I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. 23 I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me. 24 Father, I want these whom you have given me to be with me where I am. Then they can see all the glory you gave me because you loved me even before the world began!

If you want to know how to be one as a family, look no further than Jesus’ 8 Beatitudes:

Matthew 5:3-10 (NLT)

3 “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. 4 God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 5 God blesses those who are humble,  for they will inherit the whole earth. 6 God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,  for they will be satisfied.  7 God blesses those who are merciful,  for they will be shown mercy.  8 God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. 9 God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God. 10 God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

When you take on the kind of personality described in Matthew 5 it makes it easier for you to become one as a family.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1. Why do we want to be one as a family?
2. What is a ‘beatitude’?
3. How can we apply this as a family to our neighbors?