1. Praise is such a great gift, and it’s so easy to give. So look at the things that make your spouse and others unique and develop the habit of praising them for those special things.
2. Every painful trial is like an oyster, and there is a precious pearl—a personal benefit—in every one; every single one.
3. Don’t go it alone. Welcome fresh insights of other perspectives—from extended family, friends, good marriage books, or a qualified marriage counselor.
4. In a mutually satisfying relationship, both people’s needs are expressed, and they have the flexibility to give and take.
5. Honor goes hand in glove with love, a verb whose very definition is doing worthwhile things for someone who is valuable to us.
6. All our trials, great and small, can bring more of the two best things in life: love for life and love for others.
7. Oneness does not mean that one mate dominates the other or that the stronger controls the weaker.
8. Anger is our choice. We can choose to see its powerful potential for destruction and take steps to reduce it within us. Otherwise, it’s and iceberg sinking our love.
9. Better understanding of the motivations and actions that grow out of our basic personalities can help us achieve personal and marital satisfaction.
10. Sharing deep feelings with each other is emotional intercourse, and it’s vital to sexual satisfaction.
11. As we reach out to another, our own needs for fulfillment and love are met.
12. Give seven or more praises for every one fault-finding suggestion.

You know it’s important to check with your doctor and dentist on a regular basis in order to stay healthy. So could a regular “marriage checkup” help keep your relationship in tip-top shape, as well?

Time to check in for an annual marriage tune-up? – 12/03/08 – Los Angeles-Southern California-LA Breaking News, Weather, Traffic, Sports – abc7.com.

Marriages get better after the children grow up and move out, according to a UC Berkeley study that analyzed the marital satisfaction of more than 100 women over 18 years.

Marriage gets better when kids leave the nest.

by Dr. Greg Smalley

Do you ever do something you feel is loving for your mate, but he or she does not respond in a positive manner? One day, a well-meaning husband ran into this same frustration. The man wanted to do something special for his wife so he left work early and bought his wife some flowers, candy and a card. When he arrived home, with great pride, he presented the gifts and exclaimed, “Hi honey! I love you so much!”

Immediately his wife started crying. “Everything’s gone wrong today,” she explained sobbing. “The baby’s grouchy, the dishwasher won’t work, and now you come home drunk!”

As illustrated by the wife’s reaction, sometimes we can do things for our mate to demonstrate our love, but it’s not want they need. Many of us understand what we need to feel loved. However, what we may need isn’t necessarily what our mate requires. For example, my wife Erin, likes me to compliment her appearance. On the other hand, if Erin never mentioned my appearance I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Therefore, since I don’t need Erin to compliment my appearance to feel loved, I then have a tendency not to notice her appearance. This is a common problem couples face: we have a tendency to demonstrate our love in the same manner that we like to receive it. The problem is that our mate may need something totally different than what we may provide. One important factor in marital satisfaction is discovering the specific things that your mate needs to feel loved. In other words, discovering his or her built-in marriage manual.

One simple way to uncover your mate’s marriage manual is by making a list of what he or she needs to feel loved. I encourage you to set aside several hours of uninterrupted time and write down these specific things. As you construct your list, remember not to judge, disagree, or invalidate the things that your mate says. Remember, this is what he or she needs to feel loved. Also, write down things which are observable. In other words, instead of writing down “I want intimacy,” write, “I need you to say you love me at least once a day,” “We will make love twice a week,” and “I need you to ask me about my day.” These behaviorally specific statements can help your mate to translate vague statements into specific behaviors.

After you understand what your mate needs to feel loved, then you need to be held accountable to follow through. Your spouse has given you a tremendous gift by listing what he or she needs to feel loved. You literally now possess your mate’s marriage manual. I strongly encourage you not to let this precious information go to waste. One of the best ways to be accountable is by asking a very simple question. On a regular basis, ask “On a scale from zero to ten, with ten being the best, how have I done this week in making you feel loved according to your needs?” As you consistently ask this question, you will be able to love your mate according to her needs and not your own.

Recommended Resource: I Promise Book

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

1. Praise is such a great gift, and it’s so easy to give. So look at the things that make your spouse and others unique and develop the habit of praising them for those special things.

2. Every painful trial is like an oyster, and there is a precious pearl—a personal benefit—in every one; every single one.

3. Don’t go it alone. Welcome fresh insights of other perspectives—from extended family, friends, good marriage books, or a qualified marriage counselor.

4. In a mutually satisfying relationship, both people’s needs are expressed, and they have the flexibility to give and take.

5. Honor goes hand in glove with love, a verb whose very definition is doing worthwhile things for someone who is valuable to us.

6. All our trials, great and small, can bring more of the two best things in life: love for life and love for others.

7. Oneness does not mean that one mate dominates the other or that the stronger controls the weaker.

8. Anger is our choice. We can choose to see its powerful potential for destruction and take steps to reduce it within us. Otherwise, it’s and iceberg sinking our love.

9. Better understanding of the motivations and actions that grow out of our basic personalities can help us achieve personal and marital satisfaction.

10. Sharing deep feelings with each other is emotional intercourse, and it’s vital to sexual satisfaction.

11. As we reach out to another, our own needs for fulfillment and love are met.

12. Give seven or more praises for every one fault-finding suggestion.