For marriage choices it narrows down to two critical things every married individual must exercise: unconditional love and personal responsibility. Unconditional love means you accept and cherish your mate as he or she is. Personal responsibility means you take charge of correcting your own faults instead of your mate’s. That, in a nutshell, is it. Intimacy, happiness, growth, communication and all the other vital aspects of a good marriage grow out of these two choices. If both partners recognize this fact, there will be no victims in the marriage. Each person’s happiness will rest entirely in his or her own hands. And the end result is the safety and security that every marriage must have in order to thrive.

Do you believe this? Really believe this? Since it’s my contention that all behavior is a result of what we believe, this is a crucial question. Do you believe that you can take personal responsibility for the success of your marriage? If you don’t, then you must believe the opposite—that your spouse or circumstances are in control of what happens to you. You must believe that you are a victim. Therefore you must react and put the blame on your mate when the marriage does not meet your expectations. This is a tragedy, because when you blame your mate you not only divest yourself of your responsibility, you also reduce the choices you have to change the relationship. You forfeit the ability to control your own destiny.

So if you want your marriage to be the most exciting and rewarding journey of your life, the question to ask is not whether your mate is doing enough to make the marriage work, but rather: Are you loving your mate unconditionally by taking responsibility for your role in the relationship? A good way to turn this intention into a commitment is to make a promise of it. Promise to look at yourself first, to take responsibility for your own part of the marriage, and to stop trying to change your mate. Such a promise puts legs on unconditional love. It says you are willing to put your personal dreams and needs on hold for a while and make what’s best for the relationship a priority.

These images of love leave us with serious myths, such as:

• Passion equals love. Most people love something that is new.
• My lover should meet all my needs. This is impossible and the reverse is true. No human can meet your needs. Only God can do that.
• Once love dies, you can’t get it back. The emotion of love may get blasted by words and hurt but the commitment of love should be rock solid.
• Chemistry is all that matters. Chemistry should be the last thing you trust.
• Love conquers all. God love conquers all but our love is not consistent.
• When things get tough, it means you have the wrong partner. This is the most selfish kind of love. Giving love is not dependent on your partner’s response. Certainly people would have been the wrong partner for God but He loved us in spite of our flaws.
• My lover should make me happy. True happiness can only come from God. People are not capable of providing happiness.
• Once in love, you stay on a high forever. This myth puts incredible pressure on the other person. This is not genuine love.
• Love is a feeling, and you either have it, or you don’t. Love is a decision and you commit to honor and care for someone no matter what their response is to you.

These are all lies, or at best, gross misunderstandings of the true nature of love. The chemistry plays out. You eventually come off the high of infatuation. But that does not mean that love is dead. Not at all. In fact, it may be just beginning. It looks dead only because our expectations lead us to misunderstand the way love grows. It grows over time and through our commitment. The better we understand what love really is, the better we adapt to lives changes and keep that love alive.

There’s a story about a husband who was known to be a man of few words. His wife longed for a little romantic conversation, but it never came. One evening when he was engrossed in his newspaper, she asked, “Steve, do you still love me?” He replied, “I said I did when we married, didn’t I? If anything ever changes, I’ll let you know.” Then he went back to reading his paper. His wife was sad because her need, like any of us, was to be loved by her best friend.

Steve may have thought all the right things. He may have chosen to focus on his wife’s good qualities. He may have cherished her as a pearl of untold value. He may even have felt that all this meant he was honoring her. But clearly honor wasn’t getting across to her as long as he kept his feelings bottled up inside. Love is not really honor until it is expressed and demonstrated. Those positive emotions for your mate that you hold in your heart must somehow find their way out through your mouth. You’ll find it much easier and almost natural to speak more positive words after you finish chapter four.

Better still, those thoughts take on even more meaning when they are expressed in action. Show your love not only in what you say, but also in what you do. I’m reminded of a letter that one young man wrote to his girlfriend across town back in the days before automobiles were common. “I would climb the highest mountain for you,” he gushed. “I would swim the deepest river just to be where you are. I would fight alligators, lions, and tigers to be by your side. I would walk through fire just for the privilege of gazing into your eyes. And by the way, I’ll see you Saturday night if it doesn’t rain.” The wimpiness of this young man’s intention yanked the rug out from under his high-sounding words, and all the love they expressed tumbled into meaningless rubble. The love you give your mate is not just in what you choose to think. It’s not even in what you feel about him or her. You show love in actions.

Honor is a way of accurately seeing the immense value of a person made in God’s image. God created each one of us as a one-of-a-kind person with unique gifts and a unique personality. He sees each of us as precious and valuable because he sees the innate worth he built into us.
When God brought to Adam the newly created Eve in all her naked glory, can you imagine what he thought? Wow! When God said he’d give me a companion, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine anything like this. Man, what a treasure! Can you imagine the tingling thrill Adam must have felt the moment he first touched her?
Now, think back. Didn’t you feel the same way when you married your mate? Didn’t it feel as if you had discovered a cave filled with priceless gold, silver, diamonds, and sparkling gemstones? And it was true. When you married, you received a treasure of unfathomable worth. You will never be able to understand all the wonders God has given you in your marriage partner. Just the physical differences alone are unimaginable. The cells, organs, hormones, features, and shape all combine into a magnificent being who has value above that of the angels. As the scriptures say, “You are a marvelous creation, a spectacular wonder with splendor above the worth of all creation.” Adam was right to gape in wonder when he first saw Eve. You were right to gape in wonder when you married your mate. And maintaining that wonder is critically important, because it means you are still finding in your husband or wife reasons for honor.
Picture your mate as personally autographed by God. Wouldn’t you feel thrilled to be seen with someone who bore God’s personal autograph? Wouldn’t you want to have your picture taken with such a person and hang that picture in a prominent place on your wall? Once you start thinking like God and realize the supreme value of that other person in your life, your treatment of him or her will be much like bending your knee in the presence of a highly honored person or giving a standing ovation to a soloist after an outstanding concert. When you look for the good and the honorable in your mate, you will find it, because it is there. God instilled his glory into each one of us.
Adam and Eve’s value was enormous as shown by God’s creation and love for them, but sin changed all that because they “showed God by their actions” the age-old, basic sin of all mankind, “God, we don’t trust your ways any more; we’ll go our way and you go yours.” But by taking this action, they tarnished the glory that God had built into them in the same way that rust ruins the glistening sheen of steel. C.S. Lewis reminded us, however, that the original glory is still there, lying just beneath the surface of every human, waiting for the day it will again be brought into the open. He said that in all our everyday dealings with each other, we must “…remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship. There are no ordinary people.” When we look at each other, it’s all too easy to see only the rust on the surface—the irritating habits, the failures, the broken promises—and forget that beneath the tarnish the true steel is still intact. All the glory that God created into us is still there, waiting for the moment when that coating of sin is scoured away. As we are transformed more and more into his image, we actually start looking more and more like him and reflecting his loving nature.
You can learn to see this inner, godlike glory that God’s own hand infused into your mate. It may not be easily visible at first, but when we look past the failures and weaknesses and affirm the immense value he created into every one of us, we see that honoring each other is appropriate. When I choose to look at the inner value of my wife, I’m simply looking at her as God looks at me. And I’m so very glad he sees me as he does. I would cringe to think that he sees only my weaknesses and judges me by my stumblings and bumblings. Instead he sees my potential, my innate worth, complete with all the godlikeness he instilled into me originally. Honor is so simple, really. All we need do is look at each other as God looks at us. When you develop that kind of honor for your mate, you help create a secure environment in which great relationships can flourish.
The Apostle Paul encouraged the early Christians to build their relationships on this kind of honor when he wrote, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor” (Romans 12:10).

My all time favorite comic strip is the one from Peanuts where Charlie Brown attempts to kick a football held by Lucy. But she always jerks it away at the last minute, causing poor Charlie to fall flat on his back. Each year Lucy promises Charlie Brown that this time she will keep the football on the ground so he can kick it. Each year Charlie Brown is doubtful. He wavers. He remembers all the times that Lucy has yanked the football away. Each year Lucy gives Charlie plausible, sincere explanations why this time it will be different. And each year Charlie Brown finally believes her, races determinedly across the yard, and falls with a thud when yet again Lucy yanks the football away.
If you are like me, you feel sorry for Charlie Brown. You also probably feel angry at Lucy. She’s really being unkind. But has it ever occurred to you that Charlie brown is being stupid? After all, he’s been falling for the same old trick for years. When will he ever learn? What is he thinking? Well, obviously he thinks that this time, at long last, Lucy will not jerk the football away. And when she does, what does Charlie Brown do? He blames Lucy! Now think about this for a moment. Who’s really at fault here?
I believe Charlie Brown is at fault. Here’s why. Who, in the final analysis, is the cause of the problem? It’s not Lucy. Lucy is not doing it to Charlie Brown. He is allowing this to happen to him. He hasn’t learned a thing in all the years Lucy has been snatching the ball away. Unless Charlie Brown decides for himself to stop trying to kick the football, nothing will ever change. But if he changes his behavior and stops trying to kick the ball, two positive things happen: He avoids disappointment and Lucy’s behavior changes. She has no choice. She won’t be able to take the football away.
Saying all this doesn’t make Lucy right; it just means that Charlie Brown’s happiness is always in his own hands. Happiness is always your choice, as we will see in a moment. When you feel unhappy or unfulfilled in your marriage, more than likely it means you have not done enough to create a secure environment where unconditional love can flourish. You need to focus your attention entirely on what you can do to become more loving—not on trying to change your partner—because that’s what will make the greatest difference in your marriage and in your happiness. As long as we focus on being right and in control, insisting on the appearance of being correct while making our spouse appear to be wrong, the secure environment in which love can grow will elude us.
You probably don’t want to hear this, but it’s true. If you are unhappy in a relationship, you’re the one who’s probably at fault. A strong statement? Absolutely. But if you can come to grips with the truth of it, it will change your marriage and your life.

This is the key to real, lasting love in your marriage: change yourself first and accept your mate unconditionally just the way he or she is. Then as you work with God to become more like Him, watch how your mate will eventually try to emulate you. But don’t do this just to change your mate; do it for yourself and for your own personal relationship with God. By taking responsibility for your actions and changing even small behaviors, you demonstrate unconditional love and thus create an emotionally secure atmosphere in which your marriage can thrive. Pushing your spouse to change in order to make you feel safer is hardly the way of unconditional love. When you want to change your mate, 99.99% of the time there’s a selfish motive behind it. Expecting him or her to change to meet your expectations is putting self first, and if your mate does the same thing, then you have two selves in conflict, each fighting to fulfill his or her own needs. The only way to improve the relationship is to shine the spotlight on yourself and expose your own faults and weaknesses. Your mate may not want to deal with his or her problems, but you will be surprised at how great an impact your own example can have when you choose to deal with your own. You must not give in to hopelessness and helplessness even if you are convinced that your partner is the real problem. Even if that is true, by changing yourself, you can affect things dramatically and positively. I can hardly wait for you to reach chapter 6, because there I’ll show you the easiest and fastest way possible to change anything about yourself.
Here’s why you will influence change in your mate when you change yourself. As one person makes changes, those changes have a ripple effect on the other simply because your lives are connected and interact at many levels. Over time, you and your mate have shaped each other’s behavior by consciously and unconsciously rewarding some behaviors and punishing others. Habits of behavior have been established. Patterns of relating ingrained. In every marriage these patterns cause the relationship to achieve a certain kind of complementary balance. I don’t mean it’s necessarily a formal balance with equality of happiness and responsibility on both sides. One partner may be very aggressive and even overbearing, while the other responds by becoming very passive and compliant. By balance I mean that the two partner’s attributes and responses adjust to accommodate each other. And they maintain some kind of equilibrium that way. Therefore, if one partner changes, the relationship changes, because the other automatically moves to adjust and maintain the balance.
So, when you take it upon yourself to change, you automatically change the balance of the marriage, and your mate must also change in order to maintain equilibrium. Even the slightest change is like adding a weight to one side of the balance. Your partner will sense the imbalance, feel uncomfortable, and adjust. I’ll admit that now and then the partner’s adjustment is for the worse. But not usually. When you make a truly positive change, it’s highly likely that the corresponding change your partner makes will also be positive.
There are two kinds of changes you can make to improve a relationship: you can either increase pleasure or decrease pain. To put it in behaviorist’s terms, you can eliminate undesirable behaviors or increase desirable ones. The latter approach is not only more effective, it’s also easier. It’s much easier to do more of something a partner likes than to stop doing something he hates. And research indicates that this approach works better. Adding loving behaviors will reduce annoying ones.
Sometimes your mate may resist your new behavior. He or she might find even positive changes threatening simply because the balance has been upset. But if you persevere and remain consistent with your change, chances are excellent that your mate will eventually come around and change his or her behavior too, and most often in a positive direction. This is what I call the “principle of reciprocity.” When you do even simple random acts of kindness, such as back rubs, washing the dishes, giving flowers, or making a favorite dessert, your partner is likely to respond in a positive way. Your behavior influences your mate’s behavior, and your mate’s behavior rewards your behavior, making you want to reciprocate. It’s not a vicious circle; it’s a delicious circle.

All the behavioral skills in the world won’t pump life back into an ailing marriage if the couple doesn’t trust each other, if they don’t feel safe, unconditionally loved, valued, and understood. In fact, some couples I’ve counseled used their newfound communication skills to fight more effectively. Now, I’m not saying marriage skills aren’t helpful. I teach them frequently through seminars, interviews and books I have written. What I am saying is that unless couples feel emotionally safe, close, cherished, and respected, all the skill building books and conferences in the world will fail to help them build the kind of marriage God wants for them.

And just what is the secret to building this kind of marriage? Unconditionally love. Love without condemnation. It’s the hardest kind of love to give, but the one that brings all the blessings you can hold. Would you like one good reason why you should love that blundering, frustrating, badly flawed spouse of yours unconditionally? It’s simple…because he or she needs it. When a baby is born, we love that child because he needs it. When people are starving, we feed them because they are hungry. When a friend is in emotional distress, we comfort her. And that’s the reason Jesus expressed His unconditional love for us on the cross . . . because we needed it.

He didn’t require anything from us first. As He said, even “sinners” love the people who love them. The real test is how well we love someone who does not love us well. That is the true calling of Christ (Luke 6:32-33). A safe marriage is one in which each partner loves the other simply because he or she needs it. That is the best kind of love and the secret to a secure marriage.

This is my last installment of a five part series on resolving conflict with your spouse (or anyone for that matter). So far you’ve learned how Chic-fil-a can help you turn any argument in to an opportunity to grow closer together. You’ve learned how to listen in a way that makes your spouse melt when trying to share feelings. And you’ve learned how to share your own feelings so your spouse can understand and validate you when things have gone awry.

The final piece of the puzzle in resolving conflict is learning how to reach a win/win solution after you understand each other’s feelings and needs surrounding an argument. Notice how I used the term “win/win”. I do not use this term lightly because when it comes to resolving conflict in a manner that draws you closer together, a win/win option is the only option. There is no such thing as a win/loss scenario in a healthy, satisfied marriage. If one of you feels like a solution is a loss, then both of you lose.

Several years ago my wife and I were transitioning from a job at a church. We were leaving the church and there is never an easy way to leave. We got in a huge conflict, and by huge I do not mean bad or ugly. I just mean that we were at complete opposite ends of how to leave the church on our last Sunday.

Amy felt we needed to disclose more details on why we were leaving and I felt like we couldn’t disclose enough information to give a full understanding. I felt like our inability to share the whole story would leave people with too many questions and then their imaginations would start formulating their own ideas. This is never good in a church environment.

On our way to our marriage class for our last Sunday, Amy and I reached a stand-still on what to do. She had very legitimate reasons for what she wanted to do and I had very legitimate reasons for what I wanted to do. This was a classic stand-off, so how do you reach a win/win solution when the two of you are on opposite ends? Easy.

Here are three suggestions on how to find win/win solutions when the solutions do not readily make themselves obvious:

1. Ask a trusted friend to act as a mediator
2. Go to a pastor or Christian marriage counselor
3. Be a servant

1. Ask a trusted friend to act as a mediator
If you have discussed an issue and both of you feel like you understand each other, but you still can not come to a win/win solution – call a friend. Do not be ashamed to ask a friend to step in and offer help in finding a win/win solution. If both of you trust this person, then allow him/her to listen to both sides and then offer a third alternative or even choose either of your ideas. Couples get stuck, this is not bad or abnormal, the problem occurs when couples refuse to seek outside help. Some conflicts do not merit professional help, so ask a friend to get involved and trust the friend to make a good decision that will benefit your marriage.

2. Go to a pastor or Christian marriage counselor
If the conflict you are experiencing is serious, like dealing with an affair, then seek out help from a pastor or Christian marriage counselor. When you get stuck and can’t seem to find the light of day in your conflict, get help. There are people in your community that have spent years (my wife and I have been helping couples for 15 years) helping couples resolve conflict. Use them as a resource to keep your marriage strong. Do not allow conflict to erode your marriage simply because you are not willing to humble yourself and ask for help.

3. Be a servant
The nuclear option is to always choose to be a servant. This does not mean you act like a doormat. But sometimes the most logical and helpful solution is deciding to serve your mate’s needs and to lay down your life for your mate. Being Christlike is a win for anyone! Step up to the plate of servanthood and boldly announce that you want to hit a home run of serving your mate. That is the kind of person people want to be married to.

How did my wife and I solve our dispute? We took option number one and asked our dear friend Dr. Peter Bigler (our family doctor) to provide a verdict on who’s idea was best. Of course we both trust Peter, but I knew that Peter would see the genius of my solution. So of course he decided that Amy was correct. Dang! But I agreed that I would take Peter’s influence because I trusted that Peter wanted what was best for both of us. He and Amy were right. The best course of action was her plan, I just needed a little help in seeing it.

A marriage crisis is a faith crisis. I’m convinced of it more everyday. I am on my knees praying for you hoping you will listen to God’s wisdom and deep longing to understand your pain. God does see you, but do you see Him? If you are in a marriage and miserable then don’t give up, reach out and reach up. Reach out to someone who will first listen to you and try to understand what you are going through then challenge you to grow. Bitterness is never an option! Tell yourself you will not be bitter you will be better and your marriage can survive. Humble yourself before someone who cares.  First go to God- then a counselor or a mentor. Don’t go to the world for advice. Don’t revisit your old high school crushes on Facebook. You are in trouble! You become apart of the problem when you grow bitter. My heart goes out to you because that bitterness is born out of hurt and frustration and for that I am truly sorry. But please don’t shut your heart with bitterness. You are walling yourself off to your Healer and Deliverer. The warm blanket of anger I know full well. It seems like a comfort, like a release of care but it will strangle your life, your passion, and everything good about you.

Please love yourself enough to get help before you do loose hope.  In your darkest hours you hear a voice that calls out, “The change isn’t real.  You can’t be happy with your spouse.  It’s too late.” Oh my friend I’m so glad Jesus didn’t say that to the thief on the cross. As long as we have breathe and conviction we have an opportunity to truly live. Truly living is truly loving.  It is the hardest most fulfilling opportunity you’ll ever have.

Can you hear my pain? I need to know that someone has seen the other side. What do I tell these men and women who have admittedly blown it (not physical abuse, affairs or chemical dependence, personality disorder stuff, or just plain stupidity)? How long do they hang on? How long do they try to love their spouse well. How long do they stay out on the limb hoping the other person will see their change? If you have been through this and come out on the other side I want to hear from you. Tell me how to encourage them. I’ve tried validating feelings and challenging negative beliefs but it seems too late.

God help me find a way to make it through. There are so many children’s lives at stake. I know we have free will but why don’t we have compassion? I listen to these cold bitter people and my heart breaks for them because they are hurting too but they don’t see the light. They don’t see joy on the other side of the pain. Let me hear from you. How can I pray for you? Please if you have gone through this post your response.

This past weekend my wife and I traveled to Florida for a family wedding with our two kids, ages 1 and 3, in tow. Admittedly, before the trip we were both apprehensive.

Would we be asked to get off the plane at one of our layover stops due to one of our kids “loosing it” during the flight? Would something happen that we hadn’t planned on while at the hotel?

To prepare for all possible occurrences, we packed too much stuff. This was confirmed when we had a 30 minute layover in Houston and our next flight left from a different terminal.

Upon returning home after the trip, my wife and I discussed what we learned.

First, we can travel with our kids. They did great. My son even had an ear infection while there which allowed me to meet our hotel neighbors. In fact, the introductions began one evening when they banged on the wall and screamed “come on, are you gonna let the baby scream all night again?”

Second, we carried too much stuff. We need to work on traveling light. I now have a vision of our next trip being one where each member of the family has a backpack. That’s it.

In the spirit of traveling light, what if this idea were applied to marriage? Can you travel light relationally? Sure. Here’s a few essential rules:

via Essential Rules For Traveling Light In Marriage | Simple Marriage.

Hi everyone! This is my first post to this site, although I have been looking around for the past week and everyone seems very helpful.

Here’s my situation. I’m 27, husband is 31. We’ve been together for about 8 years, and will be married for 4 in May. We have 2 kids, ages 2 and 5 months. 2 weeks ago, my husband dropped a bomb on me and told me he was no longer in love with me, and was afraid that if things didn’t change we would be heading for a divorce. I was/am devastated. I knew that some things needed to change in our relationship, but I had no idea that these things were affecting my husband so much to the point where he was considering leaving and was no longer in love with me.

via Need some help – Talk About Marriage.

Always remember that the event is never the problem, it is the button the event pushes that truly stresses you out.  For example, it is not that this woman’s husband dropped a bombshell of divorce that is so hurting to her.  It is that when he dropped the bombshell, he pushed a button of her’s like feeling rejected, like a failure, disconnected, or maybe even defective.

You can download a sheet (for free) of the main hot buttons that get pushed by various events. The most important question you can learn to start asking yourself when you are experiencing a negative emotion with your spouse is, “What is actually bothering me about this?”  Keep asking yourself this question until you get to a hot button.

If God did not want us to have fun with sex, then why on earth would He give us so many wonderful nerve endings at our sexual parts? Sex is to be another way to serve our mate, and we can be as creative as we want when it comes to satisfying our spouse sexually. So have fun and talk with each other about new and creative things you’d like to try sexually. We actually have a great resource on sexual intimacy (The Secret to Sexual Intimacy), it’s a DVD session and CD-ROM that has a special His and Her folder with creative ideas for pleasuring each other. It is totally clean and appropriate, but it is packed with lots of fun ideas.

I always ask people if they feel like they married an “evil person”. Someone straight from the bowels of Hell itself. Do you wonder how many people feel they married pure evil? Not many, in fact, the only times I’ve had someone respond yes is when she is married to a Narcissist!

Who wants to take this challenge with me? Let me know by leaving a comment if you are willing to stop complaining for the next 21 straight days. I’m creating a Facebook group to keep track of the couples willing to take this challenge, so join the group if you want to improve your marriage and increase your satisfaction!

Almost a year ago I came across the complaint free experiment on Tim Ferriss’ blog. Since New Years, my wife and I have embarked on a 21-day complaint free marriage experiment, again. If you’ve been a reader of Simple Marriage for a while, this experiment will not be new to you. If you are a more recent reader, the following is part of the original post.

So why try this again? Why not!

It took me almost 3 months to complete this experiment the first time. And totally throwing my wife under the bus – she hasn’t made it yet. So we’re trying it again.

The idea is simple; go 21 days in a row without complaining. Sounds easy, right?

Nope!

The 21-Day Complaint Free Marriage Experiment, Part Deux | Simple Marriage

In fact, Barack Obama is in a position to affect far more than book purchases. He could have an effect on the culture of marriage in America.

The data are familiar. More than one-third of American children are born out of wedlock (two-thirds for black kids) and divorce plays havoc with children’s security. Some 40 percent will spend some time in a cohabiting family arrangement before their 16th birthdays.

Mona Charen : The Good Obama Can Do – Townhall.com

Emotional Fitness: Ideas for cool and inexpensive wintertime fun for couples : Columnists : Ventura County Star.

Layoffs put a strain on relationships – Business – MiamiHerald.com.

According to the poll on the side bar the wife does. The vast majority of our readers said the “wife”.

Who Controls the Money?