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You’re getting ready for your day and you want everything to be picture perfect—the gown, the flowers, the cake, the venue, your nail polish, and even the weather. And it better not rain, or the heavens will pay. That’s because you have high standards and you’ve been planning for months and months, so of course you expect absolute flawlessness in every possible way.

Pretty soon, as your day nears, you find that you are not having a good time. Everything is wrong. The gown has a beige hue, the cake is too sweet, and the weatherman says it’s going to rain. What will this do to your image and who you are? You bark at your husband to be, your mother, your sister, and even the darn dog. It’s not surprising to find a bride fussing over minutia. And it’s not surprising that she is driven to crazy making.

The perfectionist seems to have it all together, appearing competent and confident. However, she does not feel perfect, nor does she feel in control of her wedding or her life for that matter. This precision takes away from enjoying and engaging in the people around her. After all, that is the real point.

via The Perfect Wedding | Psychology Today.

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Michael Smalley, Founder

Michael Smalley specializes in teaching couples the principles of loving well and loving for a lifetime. His popularity as a nationally renowned marriage builder and couples counselor quickly grew through his signature straightforward, no-nonsense advice. Michael’s message inspires, motivates and challenges people to thrive in their most important relationships.

For the past 15 years he has spoken to millions of people around the world through his live events, international evangelistic events, and special speaking. Michael’s style in the Marriage Restoration Intensive program is to bring use his humor to help couples move through difficult times and learn new skills through laughter.

We live in a fallen world. We are going to make mistakes that not only affect ourselves, but the people around us. Particularly the people that are most important to us, and there is no relationship more influential than the marital relationship. But why is forgiveness important?

I will offer three major reasons why forgiveness is important for your relationship with your mate. The first reason is the reality we are made in God’s image. Being made in God’s image carries with it a tremendous amount of honor and responsibility. Honor in knowing our innate value because of our likeness with the Creator. Responsibility because it is God’s nature to forgive.

1 John 1:9 reads, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” If we are to strive to be more Christ like in everything we do, then forgiveness is incredibly important. If God’s nature did not consist of forgiveness, where would we be? God knows the awesome power of forgiveness, and God graciously uses it to cleanse us all of our sins.

It is our nature to hunger for God, and to be in God’s light. Most people, if given the choice between two tunnels, one with light at the end and the other a cavernous black, would choose the tunnel with the light. We work better in the light, we see better in the light, and are usually less afraid in the light. “Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother (i.e. does not forgive or reconcile) is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him (1 John 2:10).” When we refuse to follow in God’s likeness and will, we only find pain and suffering.

The second reason why forgiveness is important lies in the essence of love. Forgiveness is one of the only ways we can love like God loves. When we decide to forgive someone of wrongfully harming us, we are deciding to love him or her unconditionally. The French writer and moralist, Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, wrote in the 1600’s “We pardon to the extent that we love”. If we choose not to forgive, then we are putting up limits and boundaries to our love for other people. Doubtlessly the greatest verses on love are in 1 Corinthians 13. They are quoted in weddings, sonnets, and aspiring romances. The verses speak of what love is, and how we should go about the business of love. All we will quote here is the last verse in this passage, 1 Corinthians 13:13 reads, “And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Thirdly, forgiveness is freeing to the soul. Forgiveness allows us to break the bonds of anger, rage, hatred, and vengeance. All these lead down the path of destruction. They are like toxins to the soul, and forgiveness is the cleanser. Much of the work in therapy often focuses around the issue of forgiveness. Anger, rage, hatred, and vengeance prevent us from growing to become the mature adults God intends us to be.

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

Love … What a powerful experience to know you are with the one person you believe to be the only person right for you! There’s a magical moment when you realize you can’t imagine ever spending another day without this person next to you. Every thought is consumed with fantasies and incredible expectations for the future! Sound familiar?

You might be experiencing these very feelings this moment. Excitement, Anticipation, and Confidence. Amy and I (Michael) were in this mode just two weeks after we started dating! We actually discussed marriage on the second day! There was no doubt for either of us that we were meant to be together. I felt like nothing or no one could ever prevent our being together “till death do us part”. That is, till I made a visit to Conroe, Texas just two weeks after we started dating.

Amy gave me permission to use this illustration from our own lives because it was such a major turning point in our relationship, TWICE.

I couldn’t believe I was on a plane going to see the one woman I had dreamed about for three years! I met Amy as a freshman at Baylor and she was a sophomore. I became a Yell-leader, which is just a masculine way to say I was a Cheerleader, just to be close to her and to try and win her over! My plans didn’t quite work out like I’d hoped, for when I made the team and became closer to Amy, I found out she was practically engaged. Which turned out to be the case only three months after making the Yell-leading squad, which Amy had been the only reason for being on the squad.

Obviously things worked out, and it is a long and incredible story of God’s grace and miraculous power. But only two weeks into our budding relationship, Amy shared something that would change the course of our relationship forever.

We had just spent a wonderful day on Lack Conroe. Jet-skiing, sun tanning, and having fun in the humid and stifling heat of Conroe, Texas, just North of Houston. It felt like I was living a dream, which was partly true because a dream was all I had for three years prior to this day. Everything seemed perfect, everything seemed blessed by God, well, almost everything.

After spending the day at Lake Conroe, Amy and I were sitting on the couch upstairs in her parents house. I don’t remember exactly what we were doing, but I remember vividly what happened next. As we were sitting on the couch, Amy looked up at me cautiously. “I have to tell you something,” she said in a quiet voice. “OK,” I quickly responded like it was no big deal. “Well, it’s serious, and I don’t want to hide anything from you in this relationship,” she said with hesitation. I wanted to stop her, because her face appeared to say, “this might end what we have here!” Which I didn’t want any part of, but thanks to God, what Amy shared next opened my eyes to a new world of the power of forgiveness.

“I want you to know that I’m not a virgin.” Amy almost seemed to grimace at the sound of her own voice, like she was now something less than what she’d been only seconds before. Luckily the statement took me by surprise, so I didn’t say anything at first. This allowed Amy to open up even more, “I wanted you to know because I wanted to give you the opportunity to end this relationship before it got any more serious.”

“End this relationship!” I thought to myself, “Did I just hear that?” The one woman I’ve dreamt about for three years now believes she is not worth me pursuing any longer because she’s not a virgin. I was stunned. Not to hear she wasn’t a virgin, but because she thought I might not want to date her because of it.

Thankfully God had prepared me for this moment years before when my brother shared with me the same news. Amy began to cry ever so slightly, and I noticed the gleam of her tears running down the side of her cheek in the dim light of the room. Since this moment, Amy has said that what happened next freed her to experience the full weight of God’s forgiveness and allowed her to move gracefully into her future by forgiving her past.

I’d like to admit that what I did was all my idea. But I would be less than honest in doing so. However, I am glad it happened. As we both sat on the couch in an awkward silence, Amy wondering what our future was to be, and myself wondering what to say next. God reminded me of a story.

I didn’t say a word, but instead, got up from the couch and went into the bathroom. I came out of the bathroom with a bucket and cloth. She must have been confused. Still remaining silent, I knelt down before Amy in a humble fashion and began cleansing her feet with the cloth and bucket of water. The moment is forever etched in the memory of our beginning.

With every stroke of the cloth touching her bare feet, I reminded Amy of all the ways she was blessed by God. I reminded her of the innocence that was hers in Christ. I reminded her that if I expected to marry someone perfect, I’d never get married. We both started weeping! It was magical for the two of us.

This moment is what makes forgiveness a necessity for any relationship, especially the relationship of a husband and wife. A privilege of being an adult is to experience life’s greatest joys and its greatest sorrows. We are now capable of very important decisions affecting the rest of their lives. Our decisions may require the seeking or accepting of forgiveness.

Dick Vitale, the sports announcer for ESPN, has a common refrain: “Take a time-out, baby!” We doubt he ever thought he’d be used to help parents in conflict with their teenagers. However, this idea of taking a time-out is critical to decreasing tension in your home immediately, especially if you feel the need to defuse an emotional time bomb.

We’re going to get into greater detail about taking time-outs when we talk about loving communication in the chapters to come. But as an immediate “life-support” kind of intervention, a time-out can be a real lifesaver.

When the sparks fly and conflict erupts between you and your teenager, don’t allow things to spiral out of control. Cut the huge bursts of anger short with a time-out.

We encourage you to actually say, “Whoa, this is getting way out of hand. Let’s call a time-out and take a break for a while.” A time-out stops the conflict immediately and allows both parties to calm down and collect their emotions.

Dr. John Gottman is a leading researcher in the area of relationships and conflict management, and his primary focus has been marital conflict. He has found that simply getting a couple to refocus their energy on something different for twenty minutes allows them to come back together to restart their conversation, better be able to calmly discuss and start working toward solutions.

The same thing can happen with your teenager! Take a time-out when you feel the argument is no longer productive and is starting to heat up. It’s important to know that you’re only calling a temporary break. This is not your chance to completely avoid the argument—it’s merely a time to calm down before coming back together to resolve the conflict. The key is to make a commitment to resolve the conflict at a later time. A time-out that doesn’t eventually attempt to resolve the problem is, in reality, a withdrawal.

If you follow this rule, you’ll see immediate results; fewer angry words exchanged, fewer hurt feelings, and more peaceful resolution. That’s worth the effort!

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

Recommended resources: Parenting Bookpack, The DNA of Parent/Teen Relationships

One day, while driving in northern California, our family became very tired and irritable. After a family vote we all (Dad, Mom, Michael, Kari, and me) decided to stretch our legs. Up the road a few miles, we found a beautiful river that had a special surprise.

As we were exploring the river, I (Greg) discovered that moss had formed over the rocks, creating a very slick river bottom. What was even more amazing was that the water had carved out a natural slide. However, there was one minor problem. As you slid down, unless you landed in a small pool, you were in danger of going over a waterfall.

After several practice runs we determined that you could slide about ten yards and still make it into the landing pool. We were having a relaxing time until Dad showed up. Watching us slide down the river, he felt this would make a great picture. Having never met a camera I didn’t like, I enthusiastically volunteered to go first. However, somehow Dad talked me into starting at the very top. Looking down at the steep slide, I realized that it would be difficult to stop in the landing pool. As he attempted to persuade me, Dad said something that would eventually cause me much pain. “Trust me. You’ll do fine. If you don’t hit the pool, I’ll stop you!”

As he got into position, I pushed off and went racing down the slide. Suddenly, I hit a bump and flew off course. Instantly I passed my father (who was still trying to take the picture) and headed straight for the waterfall.

As I went over the falls, I tried to push off to keep my balance. Unfortunately, I kicked too hard and landed flat on my back. Slapppp! The sound of my back flop echoed throughout the canyon. As I struggled toward the riverbank, my father’s words, “Trust me, I’ll stop you!” haunted me. When he appeared at the top of the falls, I started to scream at him but quickly stopped. Watching my mother race down the trail was like watching a mother bear rear up to attack the person who had wounded her cub. It was awesome! I didn’t know my mom could move that fast. Through this experience, it was my sensitive mom who was shaken up the most. In fact, this was one time in her life when if she could have reached Dad, there’s no telling what she would have done to him!

After the disaster at the waterfall, my dad and I (Greg) could have used LUV Talk to discuss the situation. If I had been the customer, first I could have started by saying something like, “I feel frustrated when you try to talk me into things that you aren’t sure about.” He then would have repeated back what I said. “I hear you saying that it’s frustrating when I talk you into doing things when I have no idea how it’s going to turn out.” Yes!

I might have continued with, “I feel hurt because it seemed like you were more interested in taking a ‘fun’ picture than making sure I was safe.” He might have said in response, “It sounds like I hurt your feelings because I was more focused on taking a picture than on your safety.” Yes!

Once I shared all my feeling and-or needs, then we could switch places, with Dad becoming the customer. Dad might have said, “I truly believed that taking a picture of you sliding down the river was completely safe.” I’d respond, “I hear you saying that you thought I’d be safe.” Yes!

“I felt that if there was any danger, I’d be able to stop you.”

“So you’re saying that you believed you could stop me if there was a problem.” Yes!

“I felt extremely scared when I realized you were going over the edge.” And so on …

Do you get the point? The process is simply one person sharing his feelings or need sand the other person repeating back what he heard. If the person repeats it back wrong, you don’t panic. You simply restate what you said. Then when one person finishes expressing his feelings and needs, you trade places. This process goes on until both feel listened to, understood, and validated. It’s that simple.

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

Recommended Resources: The DNA of Parent-Teen Relationships

At a marriage seminar we lead every month, we asked the adults: “What do you wish your parents had done differently during times of conflict when you were a teenager?” Can you guess what the top two answers were?

1.Adults wished their parents would have listened more.
2.Adults wished they could have talked more about their feelings.
We also asked these adults, “Now as parents, which things most frustrate you about your teenagers?” Amazingly, the exact things they wished their parents would have done differently are the things they get upset about with their teens.

1.Teens don’t talk about how they feel.
2.Teens don’t always listen.
Communication, listening, and sharing feelings are at the heart of validation. The amazing truth about conflict is that, if used correctly, it allows you to validate your teenagers by listening to them and understanding them. Validation simply means that you value a person’s opinions, ideas, concerns, needs, and feelings. It doesn’t mean that you agree with what they’re saying but you give them a sense that you really “get” them. During a conflict, either you can force your teen to agree with your position or you can provide him with an experience of being heard and understood. The latter option is validation. When you validate someone, you don’t argue about what he’s saying; instead, you seek first to understand. If you are able to validate your son, he should walk away with a very clear message: “Mom thinks my opinions, needs, and feelings are valuable.” What tremendous gift!

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

Recommended Resource: The DNA of Parent-Teen Relationships