In Part 1 of this 5 part series on conflict resolution you learned how Chic-fil-a can help you resolve your toughest conflicts. Do not forget this lesson because it will guide your interaction with each other as we continue to learn how to effectively resolve conflict.

Part 2 is all about walking away or taking a time-out when your buttons get pushed. What are your buttons? Just click on the word buttons to download a PDF of the most common buttons pushed in an argument. Our research has shown that most women report feeling disconnected or rejected as their most common button pushed in an argument. Men reported their biggest buttons as feeling controlled or like a failure when in an argument. Buttons are important to understand because they are the foundation of why you get upset.

We do not get upset because the trash wasn’t taken out. We get upset because when the trash was not taken out our button of being ignored or invalidated got pushed. The first rule in healthy conflict resolution is to not talk or engage when your buttons first get pushed. Can you tell when your buttons get pushed and you are feeling negative or threatened? If so, then use those negative feelings (i.e. hurt, discouraged, controlled, failure, rejected, ignored, etc.) as a reminder to call a time-out.

Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley discovered, in their groundbreaking 25-year longitudinal study, that couples really only divorce for 4 reasons:

1. Someone escalates when conflict occurs
2. Someone avoids when conflict occurs
3. Someone belittles or dishonors when conflict occurs
4. Someone develops negative beliefs as a result of conflict

(You can get a far more in-depth teaching on these things with our audio series “Embrace – seven powerful discoveries to strengthen any marriage”)

Always remember that conflict is not the problem in unhealthy marriages, those four reasons mentioned above are the problem. How you respond to your buttons getting pushed is the problem. If you respond with any of those four things, then you are headed for divorce. If you respond with a time-out, then you are at least giving your marriage a chance to be happy and satisfied.

Amy and I learned this lesson all too well on our honeymoon. I am the son of a world famous marriage and family expert (Dr. Gary Smalley) who has literally sold millions of books and videos on how to get along. So if anyone should have been ready for a healthy and vibrant marriage, it should have been me. At least that was what everyone was telling me, and I totally bought in to the idea. I bought in to the idea so well that Amy and I did not get premarital education before our wedding! We were young and cocky and our lack of education nearly cost us our marriage and it destroyed our honeymoon.

Embrace goes in to our story in a really crazy way, but I will at least mention here in the post that we ended our honeymoon early because of too much conflict. My feelings got hurt. Amy’s feelings got hurt. We did not know what to do about our constant fighting.

I need to pause here for a moment, because truthfully, Amy did try to tell me we should wait to discuss our conflict until we got home from the honeymoon, but I would not listen. I didn’t know any better. I wanted so desperately to resolve my hurt feelings, I was willing to destroy our honeymoon. You can not resolve hurt feelings (or buttons getting pushed) when on vacation or when you first get upset. We all need a time-out in order to cool down and to be able and think rationally about the situation.

The first major rule of a time-out is to call one when you are upset. Simply say, “I’m upset and I need a break before I can talk about this. Can we talk in an hour?” Now I know what you are thinking, “Isn’t a time-out just a way to avoid?” No. Avoidance is when you simply walk away from the discussion never to talk about it again. A time-out is different because you have to set a time-in. It is not a time-out unless you have a time-in. So before you walk away from each other, you’d better know the exact time you are going to walk back to each other.

Amy came up with a great little system that explains exactly what should happen during your time-out:

1. The first thing you do is let your spouse know that you need a time-out.
   (You might say something like, “I need a break.” “I’m about to say something I don’t mean.” “I don’t feel like this is going to a good place.”)
2. Now you negotiate a time to come back together and LUV Talk.
   (“I think I can talk in about 2 hours, is this okay with you?” “Can we talk about this in an hour?”)
3. The point is to negotiate a time that is agreeable to both of you.
4. Take the break and leave each other alone.
   (During the break, make sure you are thinking about y our part in the conflict. This is not a time to become more upset about your spouse. Try and think about how you could have handled the situation differently. For example things like your approach, tone of voice, nonverbals, defensiveness, or blaming.)
5. Before you come back together, ask yourself if you are ready to hear your spouse’s side of the conflict. If you are not, then reschedule another meeting time.
6. If you are ready to listen, then you can officially begin LUV Talk.
   (You will know you are ready when you are willing to listen and validate your spouse.)

This is how you take an effective time-out.  There is only one more thing I want to tell you before I’m done with part 2.  Never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever get in to conflict during fun time.  Date nights, vacations, family gatherings, school functions, etc. should all be sacred time and free from conflict.  I know you will do things from time to time during fun activities that will bother each other – call a time-out.  Do not try and resolve conflict during fun time.  Just call a time-out and say to each other, “I’m hurt right now, but we are out on a date, so let’s talk about this when we get home.”

Don’t give me any excuses about this final point.  We are not victims of our emotions.  We can tell ourselves to have fun even when things do not go our way.  The reason this last point is so important is because of the research of Dr. John Gottman.  He found a 5 to 1 positive to negative experience ratio with couples who are happily married.  If you protect fun time, then you can go for this 5 to 1 positive experience to every negative experience with each other.  If you reach this ratio, you will be happily married – which last I checked – was the goal of getting married in the first place.

If you want to check out the entire series on conflict resolution, just click.

When I proposed 22-days of not complaining, I truly thought Amy would struggle the most (because clearly she is the unhealthy one in our marriage)! But I believe it has been harder for me

One of my theories is that people who struggle more with negative beliefs might have a more difficult time not complaining. I am a big negative belief kind of guy because I am so passive and tend to keep my irritation and hurt private (until I blow up of course).

What do you think?

But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
—James 1:19

Dr. Howard Markman and Dr. Scott Stanley have discovered through over 20 years of research that there are four main risk factors that can lead to divorce. In their excellent book, Fighting For Your Marriage, they share that we greatly increase our chances of staying in love and in harmony if we avoid these four negative patterns. Here are the four main patterns that can produce too much anger and possibly lead to divorce:

Four Destructive Relational Patterns

•Withdrawal. Walking away from an argument without resolving it.
•Escalation. Emotions increase to name calling, yelling or anger.
•Invalidation. Not allowing someone to feel like his own needs, feeling, or thoughts are valid.
•Negative Beliefs. Believing that the other person is intentionally trying to hurt or upset you.
In order to deal with these four patterns and start divorce-proofing your relationship, we encourage mastering one of the greatest communication tools we’ve found. We call this “Drive-Through Talking.” The reason we call this “Drive-Through Talking” is because of what takes place at the drive-through window of any fast-food restaurant. Let us explain!

How To Start “Drive-Through Talking”

The rules for this communication method are simple, but they are very important in keeping the argument honoring. One person agrees to start INSIDE the fast food restaurant (the employee) and the other starts the discussion OUTSIDE in the car by the menu (the customer). The employee says something like, “Welcome to the Smith home, may I take your order?”

The customer can only share his feelings or his needs about the current conflict. Also, the customer can’t bring up anything from the past or start a new argument. We can deal with only one argument at a time. Finally, the customer needs to share small amounts of information at a time. Making large statements or blending two ideas together can cause the employee to forget or miss something important that you said.

The employee’s job is to only repeat what is said by the customer, and isn’t allowed to evaluate anything that is said. For example, have you ever heard McDonalds say after you order a Super-Sized Meal: “Sir, I can see you in my mirror and you look like a rather large individual. Are you sure you want the Big Mac? Do you know how many fat grams it has? May I recommend the McLean.” Absolutely not! You’d drive away furious and maybe never visit again.

The key for “Drive-Through Talking” success is helping your mate to feel safe in order to share his or her current needs and feelings. Safety is extremely important. Safety develops when your mate trusts that your goal is on listening and understanding, not on defending and challenging. This is why when listening to someone share his or her needs or feelings, we do not evaluate, edit or defend ourselves. Instead, we simply listen and repeat. Listen and repeat.

How do we know if “Drive-Through Talking” will really work with our spouse? If you enter into this method with a spirit of honor by listening and repeating, you will provide her with a tremendously safe environment to share her feelings. Sit back and let God do the rest. Remember, the reason that we call this “Drive-Through Talking” is that McDonalds and others have spent millions of dollars testing their ordering methods. Have you ever seen their signs “Over Six Billion Happy & Satisfied Customers.” If they can satisfy that many people, why don’t we use their knowledge to keep our “family customers” happy and satisfied? We can!

The amazing part of this method is how fast anger is resolved. When you have someone who is listening with great concern and they are valuing who you are, the anger seems to drain away. Once each person feels heard, understood and validated, then you can begin to look for solutions to the problem if necessary. You’ll be amazed at how easy some arguments are solved after you both feel understood and valued. We have not left out how to find solutions to your conflicts. Instead, before you think about solving your argument, we want to practice mastering “Drive-Through Talking.”

Summary of “Drive-Through Talking” Rules

McDONALDS’ EMPLOYEE (Listener)
•This person receives the order inside the fast food restaurant.
•When receiving an order, you must only repeat back what you’ve heard. No editing, evaluating, or defending one’s self. You can ask to have the order repeated if you did not understand something. However, this is only for clarity—you don’t have to agree.

CUSTOMER (speaker)
•This person places an order at the drive-through menu/speaker box.
•While placing an order, this person must only share needs or feelings using “I” statements. No bringing up past issues, starting new argument, or make blaming “You” statements (e.g., “You always …”)
•Share small thoughts or information so that the other person can remember in order to repeat it back correctly.

General Rules
•When the customer feels heard and validated then you switch places.
•You are not looking for solutions at this time. Solutions can be dealt with after each person feels heard and validated.
•Agree to take a time-out if withdrawal, escalation, invalidation, or negative beliefs creep into the conversation.
•Above all else, strive to honor one another in all that is said and repeated!