Raising three kids was quite an adventure for Norma and myself. We felt overwhelmed so we met with our own pediatrician Dr. Shellenberger in Waco, Texas. He recommended some clear limits and to be creative he suggested we make our own family contract. His enthusiasm and experience sold us on the idea. For young kids the contract had to be quite simple. We taught them to obey God, our parents, and to be kind to people and things. These principles stemmed from Matthew 22:37-39. As our physical, emotional and mental abilities grew so did the contract. The family contract included these areas: Honoring God, others and His creation; obedience; cleanliness; chores; manners; and inner character qualities. We realized later as we adapted that the contract has some important detail to its construction and content. Here were some:

1. Wording
An effective contract begins by clearly defining the exact behaviors the child is expected to do or refrain from doing. In other words, limit the use of vague or ambiguous words that are open to alternative interpretations. For example, instead of saying that the child needs to obey, carefully define the exact behaviors and meaning of the word “obey.” You might say, “Once mom or dad gives a direction, you are to immediately do it without complaining, arguing or nagging.” Of course you will need to clarify the meaning of those words as well. Remember that a child is able to conform to his parent’s wishes when he understands their exact expectation. Therefore, a written contract is preferred since it reduces the possibility of misunderstanding and provides an objective reference when disagreement about contract terms arises.

2. Clear Rewards and Consequences
A helpful contract will specify the rewards or privileges that may be gained or lost as a result of the child’s behavior. For example, if a child is required to take the trash out after dinner then he needs to know that not doing this will result in no after-school snack for 24 hours. Likewise, it’s important for the child to understand how he can earn rewards for positive behaviors as well. This can be achieved through allowance, special snack or extra TV time to name a few.

3. Child & Parent As Co-Creators
The key to setting limits is to work “with” your children. Together, establish the rules, consequences and rewards that you all believe to be important. When you involve the children, from the earliest ages, in creating the rules, they consider them their limits, rather than standards their parents are imposing on them. It becomes easier for them to take ownership of the contract because the rules seem fair.

4. Re-negotiation
An effective contract should be open for re-negotiation. As the children grow older, you can all upgrade the rewards and consequences to include age appropriate items. For example, teenagers might need more significant consequences for more significant offenses. However, they will also need to have opportunities to earn rewards that allow greater independence and individuation. Once again, always have them help choose and agree upon the changes. A teenager’s need for independence from the family sometimes makes them reluctant contributors. Let them know that they can decide not to participate, but that the decisions will be binding for the family.

5. Signatures
After you and your family create the contract, it’s important to make a place for everyone to sign and date the document. Even if you have young children, they can scribble in the appropriate place. This shows that everyone agrees with the direction the family is going. Also having children sign may greatly increase their commitment to the contract.

6. Inspect What You Expect
Once the contract is up and running, it’s helpful to inspect and evaluate each child’s behavior on a daily basis. Up until our high school years, we met for ten to fifteen minutes each night after dinner to review how everyone was doing in each area. We kept a chart on the refrigerator so we could mark on it with a grease pencil and erase it the next evening. Instead of having to continually correct a child’s behavior throughout the day, the family meeting is a great way to set aside a specific time for this–unless of course the child commits a serious offense, then you immediately deal with it.

Summary
You will discover that having a written, objective contract can greatly contribute to your family’s harmony. It can also make disciplining the children much easier because you simply point to the family contract, and the children can be much more willing to cooperate and adjust to it. Children need to learn control at the very beginning of life so they appreciate people and property within the family as well as the value of rules and limits for getting along with others later on in adult life. By using a family contract you are helping your children to learn a valuable lesson that they will benefit from for the rest of their lives.

To find out more check out our book, The Key to Your Child’s Heart.

There are things your children are going to do that will make you want to trade them in for another child!  They will hurt you, frustrate you, embarrass you, humiliate you, disappoint you, discourage you, and basically wipe you out from time to time.  No child is perfect, therefore no parent will ever miss out on the opportunity of being wounded emotionally by their child.

Feel discouraged yet? Don’t be. Parenting is both the greatest and hardest job you will ever face.  But it is also the most rewarding, too. There are going to be times when your kid really messes up things for you and your family.  In those moments, you have to respond in a way that is loving, honoring, and respectful.

For example, if your kid gets arrested for a DWI, this is one of those moments where you can not blow it.  You can not arrive to the station and humiliate, shame, or belittle your child.  You can not make wild accusations like, “You’ll never see the sunlight again! You’re grounded forever!”  Big mistakes require parents to make big decisions in terms of how you are going to respond.

If you respond as poorly as your child’s poor behavior, nothing good is going to come out of the experience.  There’s no positive message to be learned from a major mistake by your child when you blow it with your own horrible behavior.

I’m not saying that your child does not need to be punished, your child will need to experience a consequence.  I’m trying to say that in these big moments, it’s like there are three seconds left on the clock to win the National Championship for your school, you’re down by two points and your teammate passes you the ball where you shoot a three pointer for the win.

If your response to your child’s very poor behavior is to freak out, or shame, then you’ve just shot a horrible air ball to lose the National Championship game.  It would be no ordinary air ball either, it would be the kind that stays with you for the rest of your life!

If your response to your child’s very poor behavior is to handle yourself well, and to lovingly carry out the proper consequence and help your child learn from their decision, then you just swished the shot to win the National Championship game!

So what do you think?  Am I on to something good for parents, or am I being a naive goofball?

Thought this might be helpful to all those stressed out in their marriage or parenting lives:

1. Avoid stimulants and sugar.

Here’s the catch-22: the more stressed you get, the more you crave coffee and doughnuts, pizza and Coke. But the more coffee, Coke, doughnuts, and pizza in your system, the more stressed you get. It’s not your imagination. When you are stressed and have low levels of serotonin, your brain produces cravings for sugar and simple carbohydrates, which primes the beta-endorphin system to want more and more. The same with caffeine. It’s a powerful drug that affects a number of neurochemicals in your brain, which means it produces withdrawal symptoms that can make you very very very very irritable.

2. Compare and despair.

The last thing you should do when you’re stressed–which I always do when I’m stressed–is start looking around at other people’s package (job, family support, balanced brain) and pine for some of that. I grow especially jealous of non-addict friends who can enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or those with moms nearby that offer to take the kids for sleepovers.

via 10 More Stress Busters | World of Psychology.

Do you ever hear this question rolling around your head when you’re out in public and your kid does something embarrassing? It’s like every single person is staring you down and judging you for your kid’s outburst! I hate this feeling, and unfortunately, I rarely handle myself well when I feel it.

Today’s tip is about remaining clear headed when in public. First of all, there’s no way every person is thinking negative thoughts about your kid or parenting skills. You probably don’t about other parents, and if you’re like me, you probably feel empathy for the parent and not disgust.

Secondly, call a time-out and do not deal with your kid immediately. If she is throwing a fit, then remove her from the area and get her to the car. The last thing you want to do is to really “get into it” with your kid publicly. That is humiliating to your child and it will end up being even more humiliating to you. If your kid starts getting in to the habit of throwing a fit in public and ruining your chance to be out of the house, then talk with a friend and have her come and get the child. I did this once with Reagan and she never threw a fit again at the mall. She was shocked to see our babysitter pull up to the mall and take her home for a time-out until I returned home. Her face was classic as I got to stay with my son and continue having fun at the mall!

You all have been awesome in trying to help choose the new URL for a parenting site idea I had this week! Thanks so much for your insight and time for voting.  After a great (albeit quick) conversation this morning with Amy (not my wife but the owner of the blog MomsToolbox.com) that I needed to give more details on what I want the site to be so you can give even better feedback on a URL.

So here is the big idea, a website dedicated to moms and dads everywhere that will help create a community to better discipline our children.  For example, if your child acts up and freaks out every time you try and go to the mall, you could come to the site and post your issue with the child and then get feedback on effective discipline ideas from other parents from around the world!  How cool would that be.

I feel stuck lots of times when a new issue comes up with one of my kids and I don’t know what an appropriate and effective punishment would be.  With that in mind, here are a few new URL ideas, and once again, if you can think of a better one just leave it as a comment below.

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I am getting ready to launch a new website for parents that is going to rock the parenting world! I could not be more excited about a new project than I am about this new website! Have I added enough exclamation points to the paragraph yet to prove just how excited I am? I do not want to give out a ton of details about what this website is going to do to revolutionize parenting, but I do want feedback on potential URL’s.

So let me know which one of the two below you like the most.  If you do not like either of them, then please feel free to leave a comment with a better URL for me to consider.

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If you did not like either of those URL’s, then please leave a comment below with a better idea. Remember, criticism without possible solutions is not very nice =]

Is your husband to blame for your anger?

What’s better than the lazy, lump-on-a-log dad stereotype? Well, the whiney, nagging wife stereotype of course. Thanks to Melissa Kossler Dutton at Patagraph.com we got a decent dose of both. In her March 9^th article, “Moms mad at dad: A touch of rage on the homefront” Dutton aims blame squarely on dads as she assesses, “Men still don’t pull their weight.”

Dutton’s article focuses on the fact that moms are filled with rage because of their husbands. Moms almost walk on water and their anger is given a pass time and time again. Her article is a reactionary piece like many similar gripe session articles that all were born from the article “Mad at Dad” from Parenting.com. The “Mad at Dad” article is a real gem and pulls on such great statistics like:

Fatherhood Examiner: Angry Wives Examined: Who’s to Blame?.

Just to be clear, NO YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ANGER!  Did I make my point clear enough? No one makes us angry, we choose to be angry no matter how worthless your husband may be with the kids, it is up to you on how you respond to it.

Psychology Today: When Parenting Ends

Over and over again I am reminded that the goal of parenthood is to raise kids who can stand on their own two feet. And their own brains. Kids who begin to learn at an early age how to think for themselves and who get practice at it, and encouragement for doing so.

Of course, raising such kids isn’t easy. It’s a process of negotiating decision-making every step of the way and, eventually, handing over authority. Kindly tell me what parent today has time for protracted debate over every single little facet of experience, or negotiating which elements of a developing child’s life are in fact negotiable.

Add to that the fact that kids raised to be thoughtful don’t always automatically do what you say. They are given to questioning things, including you and every other voice and symbol of authority.

I personally think those are small and necessary prices to pay, because today’s kids create tomorrow’s society. We want them to be steeped in the democratic process and capable of independent thinking on all kinds of issues great and small. We want them to have all the equipment for successful lives of their own.