Adam and Eve were caught in sin. They had just eaten from the forbidden tree. When God entered the garden, neither of them would take personal responsibility. Adam shifted the blame to Eve and God by saying, “This woman you gave me.” Eve shifted the blame to Satan. This is where the “blame game” got started.

When we stop blaming others for our shortcomings, we diffuse anger and resolve conflicts.

We encourage you to resist making “you” statements such as, “You’re the one who needs to change,” “You should have warned me that our marriage was in trouble,” “You’re not the same man I married,” and “You weren’t submissive enough,” as reasons for your behavior. These “you” statements are deadly to a relationship, and they seldom improve your situation. Avoid using these types of blaming statements. I have found that you can not change another person, it’s impossible. You can only change yourself with the power of God living within you. You might be able to influence a change in someone else, but your focus should be on the areas of your own life that need improvement. You influence people to change the most by first letting them see a change in you.

Using a statement such as, “You were just too sensitive,” stirs up more anger. As this happens, the blaming backfires and exposes your resistance to improve or change. When you experience the urge to blame, remember King Solomon’s wise words: “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered” (Proverbs 17:27).

When conflict raises its ugly head in your relationships, where do you place blame? Your spouse? Kids? Boss? Job? Church? Money?

What steps could you take to accept personal responsibility in your life?

The degree of self-control you have is in direct proportion to the degree of self-acceptance you have. Put another way, if you don’t value yourself, you won’t tend to put any “reins” on your behavior.

In Biblical Greek, the word picture for the word self-control is of a horseman “pulling in the reins” on a horse. In our lives, it’s a picture of our need to “pull in the reins” on a habit.

Ask yourself today, “Are there any habits or attitudes that you need to “pull in the reins” on? Like anger? Selfishness? Envy?

If we don’t see our tremendous value in Christ, our self-worth won’t be very high. And carrying around low self-worth is an open invitation to bad habits and a loss of control.

Thank You, Lord, that because I’m so valuable to You, I can say “no” to those things I need to.

2. Understand, as much as possible, what the other person has endured. It’s important to genuinely understand the pain your mate feels and how she has interpreted your offensive behavior. Ask for her interpretation of what occurred. The goal is to listen and understand what your mate is feeling. Resist defending yourself, lecturing, or questioning why she did or didn’t do something. The best way to accomplish this is by using the “Drive-through Talking” technique described on p. 18.

3. Admit the person has been wounded and admit any wrong in provoking that hurt. The third step is to take ownership of your offensive behavior. A person feels valuable when she hears you admit your mistake, and sees that you understand how she feels. Sometimes this is all it takes to open a closed spirit.

4. Touch the person gently. If you try to touch someone with a spirit knotted in anger, you will find out just how deep the hurt is. The first response may very well be a stiffening or pulling away—but persistent softness expressed in meaningful touches, like the gentle massage of a knotted muscle, can go a long way toward draining anger and negative feelings.

5. Seek forgiveness—and wait for a response. The final step is to give the person the opportunity to respond to your confession. Ask if she could find it in her heart to forgive you. You’ll know true restoration has occurred when forgiveness is granted and she allows you to touch her.