I know, I know. Separation and divorce are supposed to be bad. Marriage is a sacrament to many, a promise and a moral commitment to God and each other. Certainly everyone I talked to was shocked that the Gores were letting go of that commitment. “How sad” was their initial reaction.

But there’s another way to look at it. The Gores have handled their decision to separate with dignity and grace. In doing so, they have given us all a great gift — an opportunity for a deeply important and mature conversation about the changing nature of marriage in a time when women have equal opportunities, when people are getting married later in life and when life expectancy is much longer.

Not only should we respect their decision, but in some ways we should rejoice in it.

I have known Al and Tipper Gore for almost as long as they have been married. There is no question they were very much in love. They were affectionate with each other, warm, teasing and respectful. I never heard a hint of any scandal.

They were together for 40 years, raised four kids, shared a lot of pain and a lot of joy, they have had an extraordinarily exciting life together and they should be proud of that. But people change, even those who are deeply committed to each other.

Remember, the Gores were 20 and 21 when they married. Today, the median age for marriage is 27 or 28. Most 20-year-olds don’t even know who they are and certainly not who they will become. The person you commit to at age 20 might not be the same person 20, 30, 40 years later. “Til death do us part” is a vestige of a time when life expectancy wasn’t much lower. Given the normal span of our lives these days, such a vow is totally unrealistic.

People change and grow in different directions. That’s seems to be what happened to the Gores.

(read the rest here)

What drivel! It is still amazing to me how our society is trying to force feed divorce right down our throats! It’s like no one is actually spending the time to read the overwhelming research (secular mostly and some Christian) of the negative effects of divorce on children, adults, and society. Entire counties here in Texas are going bankrupt because of divorce. Divorce cost the tax payers more than the Iraq war when measured over the same period of time!

There, I finally got that one off my chest. But maybe some of you agree with the Washington Post…so what say you?

2. Understand, as much as possible, what the other person has endured. It’s important to genuinely understand the pain your mate feels and how she has interpreted your offensive behavior. Ask for her interpretation of what occurred. The goal is to listen and understand what your mate is feeling. Resist defending yourself, lecturing, or questioning why she did or didn’t do something. The best way to accomplish this is by using the “Drive-through Talking” technique described on p. 18.

3. Admit the person has been wounded and admit any wrong in provoking that hurt. The third step is to take ownership of your offensive behavior. A person feels valuable when she hears you admit your mistake, and sees that you understand how she feels. Sometimes this is all it takes to open a closed spirit.

4. Touch the person gently. If you try to touch someone with a spirit knotted in anger, you will find out just how deep the hurt is. The first response may very well be a stiffening or pulling away—but persistent softness expressed in meaningful touches, like the gentle massage of a knotted muscle, can go a long way toward draining anger and negative feelings.

5. Seek forgiveness and wait for a response. The final step is to give the person the opportunity to respond to your confession. Ask if she could find it in her heart to forgive you. You’ll know true restoration has occurred when forgiveness is granted and she allows you to touch her.

I can’t tell you how God can change your bitterness to blessing but obedience is the start.  Start drawing yourself to Christ and He will release you from your darkness and pain.  God never puts more on us than we can bare, so don’t you think drawing closer to Him might be a good idea? God has a plan for your life.   Will you trust him with your obedience and see where He takes you?  Staying in a marriage that’s terrible is painful but living a life away from God is unbearable- so don’t try.  Try true obedience- real obedience- only you know if you are holding something back from God.  Allow God to handle the big stuff; your job is to open your heart to Him. 

Don’t look for reasons to divorce but seek the benefits of obedience.  You have such an opportunity to feel God’s presence in your life like you haven’t before.  Why are we so scared God doesn’t want to give us the abundant life only He can give?  We seek the love of our spouse that may not be obtainable instead of the complete love of our true prince. 
 
Take the time to be obedient, do the right thing, and walk out your commitment to Christ first and you’ll find peace in God before you make any big decisions.  When you are bitter you can’t be close to God- so you know you aren’t ready to make a big decision. God will be patient with you, take the opportunity to allow Him to guide you into a deeper relationship with Him first.  God is good even when we are in pain.  Wrestle with it until you believe it!  You may come out with a limp like Jacob but you will be blessed.

Feel discouraged yet? Don’t be. Parenting is both the greatest and hardest job you will ever face.  But it is also the most rewarding, too. There are going to be times when your kid really messes up things for you and your family.  In those moments, you have to respond in a way that is loving, honoring, and respectful.

For example, if your kid gets arrested for a DWI, this is one of those moments where you can not blow it.  You can not arrive to the station and humiliate, shame, or belittle your child.  You can not make wild accusations like, “You’ll never see the sunlight again! You’re grounded forever!”  Big mistakes require parents to make big decisions in terms of how you are going to respond.

If you respond as poorly as your child’s poor behavior, nothing good is going to come out of the experience.  There’s no positive message to be learned from a major mistake by your child when you blow it with your own horrible behavior.

I’m not saying that your child does not need to be punished, your child will need to experience a consequence.  I’m trying to say that in these big moments, it’s like there are three seconds left on the clock to win the National Championship for your school, you’re down by two points and your teammate passes you the ball where you shoot a three pointer for the win.

If your response to your child’s very poor behavior is to freak out, or shame, then you’ve just shot a horrible air ball to lose the National Championship game.  It would be no ordinary air ball either, it would be the kind that stays with you for the rest of your life!

If your response to your child’s very poor behavior is to handle yourself well, and to lovingly carry out the proper consequence and help your child learn from their decision, then you just swished the shot to win the National Championship game!

So what do you think?  Am I on to something good for parents, or am I being a naive goofball?

The greatest advice no one wants to hear is that of taking personal responsibility for your own thoughts, actions, and emotions.  When your spouse is hurting your feelings or frustrating you, it is difficult to hear someone say, “I hear what you’re saying, but where do you need to change?”  But this question is exactly the question that is going to get your relationship headed in the right direction.

Until you recognize that God alone changes people (especially your spouse), you will remain stuck in your relationship.  The worst posture we can take in our marriage is when we point the finger and blame.  When we look at our spouse and think, “You are both the problem and the solution to my sadness.”  What this means is that we look at our spouse’s poor behavior and believe that if only they would change, then we could be happy.  But this is a lie!

The only thing you can do to truly make an impact on your marriage is work night and day on being the best husband or wife possible.  What other choice do you have?  If you enter into the dysfunction of your spouse, then things are guaranteed to get worse.  If you decide to do the right thing (patience, mercy, kindness, forgiveness) then at least you are setting up the relationship to change for the better.

What do you think keeps you from working on yourself?

Secondly, what are your top two beliefs or truths that you think everyone should have inside themselves or hold onto with great respect? I will pick some winners to receive my latest book, signed of course, As Long As You Both Shall Live.

Thanks for helping me with this new project, and I can’t wait to utilize your input!

23 Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights.24 A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people.25 Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.26 Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants.

The bible is full of brilliant advice on how to handle your relationships, the difficult part is following through and being obedient to the word!  I am truly convinced, after 15 years of working with couples in conflict, that the best thing you can do when frustrated with your spouse is be patient and loving.  Unless you are being abused emotionally or physically, of course.

How could you live 2 Timothy 2:24 this week with your spouse?  Leave a comment and let us know what you want to do this week to love your spouse like you are challenged in 2 Timothy.

So thus begins a four part series on how men can better love their wives.  I want to encourage everyone reading this that the series is not going to be a male bashing experience.  Frankly, I’m tired of men continually getting picked on because we love differently than woman do.  It feels at times that the socially acceptable way to love someone is how a woman loves.  Men want to love and be loved just as much as women, we just tend to do it differently.

But the reality is that men marry women, so we need to learn how to love a woman better.  My dad, brother, and I wrote a book titled “The Men’s Relational Toolbox“.  We addressed this in the book, that men need to add certain skills to their relational toolbox in order to love their wives and daughters better.  This series is teaching four fundamentally important things that men can do to better love their wives!

The first week we learned how to truly “fix it” with our wives by learning how to better listen.  Men often get accused of trying to “fix it” too often by their wives.  The good news is that men care enough about their wives to want to fix it, but the bad news is that most men go about fixing it in an ineffective manner.  Usually the best course of action is to simply shut our mouths and listen.

James 1:19-21 teaches us, ”Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human angers does not produce the righteousness God desires.So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.”

Listening is important because it’s important to our wives and it reflects a godly character (because we’re being obedient to James 1:19-21). But listening also helps increase our emotional and physical intimacy with our wife. When our wife feels loved and listened to, she will also feel more excited about the physical part of our relationship. Now let me be very clear, we do not listen because we want more sex, we listen because it’s the right way to love our wives better (more sex is just an awesome natural result of a close relationship).

Often times we read verses like the ones in James, and we thing, “That sounds great, but how do I do that practically?” Here’s the answer: you need to LUV your wife if you are going to be a better listener. LUV stands for Listen, Understand, and Validate. LUV is the main tenant to our communication method we teach couples at our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.

Listening is all about body language, eye contact, and intention…yes…whether or not we really want to listen.

Understanding comes when we ask questions of our wives when we feel confused or need further clarification. You want your wife to melt at your words, then just say something like, “Honey, I hear that you want to spend more time together, could you let me know what spending time together would look like to you?”  Proverbs 15:23; 28 23 “Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time! The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.”

Validating is saying things like, “Yes, I totally hear what you’re saying. Is there anything you need from me?” Validation is the art of allowing your wife the freedom of her own feelings and needs. Proverbs 13:3, “Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.”

This first week is about LUV, which is one of the most powerful ways you can “fix” anything for your wife.  Most wives just want to be heard and validated.  All you’ve been missing is how to accomplish this, and now you have some simply ways to listen effectively so you can have the kind of marriage you dreamt about during your engagement!

So as you can imagine, when I heard that my own father was guest appearing on one of their newest videos, I couldn’t believe my ears!  My own father, THE GARY SMALLEY, on a video with my comedy heroes.  Then I heard what they talked him in to doing at the end of the video, and I couldn’t wait to see it personally!  Following below is my interview with Johnny and Chachi, but I’d recommend that all of you CLICK HERE to watch the actual video of my dad and the 6 Killer Marriage Tips.  You will want to watch the whole thing because you won’t believe what happens at the end of the video! It will be something you’ve never seen before from Gary Smalley, and I believe you will love it! [As a side note, I do want to apologize for my abnormally large head in this interview! It was my first Skype interview, and I now understand that I need to back off the camera a little bit =]

We ended up dancing the night away and had one of the funnest nights ever!  Which I will say again, simply going out and having fun together is one of the most powerful things you can do to improve the level of happiness and joy in your marriage.  Even if you are stressed out with each other, do not give up having fun.  I know this sounds strange, because, how can you have fun with each other if you are stressed out with each other?  Easy.  Make a choice.  We are not victims of our emotions, our emotions are victims of our choices.

So have a Lover’s Day celebration in memory of ours from Saturday night! (you’ll have to watch the video to understand that one)

And by the way, what did you do for Valentine’s Day? Leave us a comment on the post and we’ll pick the best one of the group and send you a free DNA of Relationships DVD series!

If you want to preorder Faithbook of Jesus now, please click on the Amazon.com link below:

Valentine’s day is coming (just in case you haven’t noticed the color red overload everywhere).  Believe it or not, Amy and I are attending a Valentine’s Day party at Taquerias Arandas where we will sing the night away with karaoke and cheap tacos!

If cheap tacos and karaoke are not your thing for Valentine’s Day, then maybe snuggling up with your honey on the couch to watch a great love story would do the trick.  I’ve compiled a list of the top 25 romantic movies of all time spanning 5 different eras!  These make my list, but what is missing? Let me know with your comments and let the debate begin!

TOP ROMANCE MOVIES FROM THE 50′s

“The African Queen” – 1951
“Singing’ in the Rain” – 1952 – How can anyone ever forget the famous scene in this movie! Hollywood at it’s best!
“Roman Holiday” – 1953
“From Here to Eternity” – 1953
“An Affair to Remember” – 1957

TOP ROMANCE MOVIES FROM THE 60′s

“West Side Story” – 1961
“My Fair Lady” – 1964
“Doctor Zhivago” – 1965
“The Sound of Music” – 1965 – I had to include this one because…I had to.  No good reason other than we always feel good after watching it.
“Funny Girl” – 1968

TOP ROMANCE MOVIES FROM THE 70′s

“Love Story” – 1970
“Annie Hall” – 1977
“Grease” – 1978
“Manhattan” – 1979

TOP ROMANCE MOVIES FROM THE 80′s

“Witness” – 1985
“Moonstruck” – 1987
“Roxanne” – 1987 – Amy and I are always suckers for the romantic and funny comedies!
“The Princess Bride” – 1987 – That goes for this one too!
“When Harry Met Sally” – 1989

TOP ROMANCE MOVIES FROM THE 90′s

“Ghost” – 1990
“Beauty and the Beast” – 1991
“Titanic” – 1997
“Sense and Sensibility” – 1995 – I am embarrassed to admit that I’ve watched this movie probably 10 times over my life! I can not watch it enough.
“Shakespeare in Love” – 1998

So this is my list…what say you?

ONE LUCKY COMMENTER WILL WIN MY DAD’S LATEST BOOK, “AS LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE”.  I WILL MAKE SURE AND GET IT SIGNE FOR YOU AS WELL.  BUT YOU HAVE TO LEAVE A COMMENT HERE ON THE BLOG POST TO WIN.

The 100th survey filled out wins The Comedy of Love DVD by me! It’s my first comedy show ever, and I think you’ll enjoy it (at least I hope you will).

Michael and I are heart-broken over the lost lives in Haiti. I’m writing this article for accountability and prayer. Our family wants to care for the orphans and widows in Haiti. We are not sure what this looks like yet, but we know our first step is getting our paper work and training done to become a foster family.

I would like to challenge all of us to find a way to help Haiti that fits your family. We’ve opened our home to big sisters before, now we’re feeling the urgency from the Holy Spirit to DO SOMETHING. I hope we have the pleasure of being used by God in this way. We are looking for direction and are open to many possibilities. I think it’s hard to even ask for prayers for us when they are needed for survival in Haiti- but as you are praying for Haiti- pray for clear direction and movement of supplies and care. God is good – even in disaster! I pray we can live a life worthy of our calling.

Hamming it up, I told the young kids to give me a count down. Five…Four…Three…Two…One…Blastoff! I turned the ignition and away from the dock we flew like a rocket ship from its launch pad. I overheard the five-year-old boy say to his father, “This is the coolest boat on the lake!” I loved it. I was in boat heaven. But then something happened; the engine stopped and we started losing speed.
“Don’t worry everyone; I’ll have this fixed in a second.” I turned the ignition key several times and the engine roared back to life. Once again we were off. But then it happened again. The engine died. What was going on? This pattern of the engine starting and stopping went on for the next few minutes. I checked the gas level, oil, and anything else I could possibly think of to create the illusion that I knew what I was doing. But no matter what I did, shortly after I’d get the engine running, it would die.

“Why won’t this boat work!” My voice boomed across the lake. I was completely frustrated and totally embarrassed. “Nothing is made with quality any more.” I wanted to sink that stupid boat right then and there, but I figured that drowning a missionary wouldn’t help my reputation.

That’s when Greg said, “Hey, Dad, what’s this cord for? Every time I pull it, the engine stops.” And then he started laughing. That cord was the emergency engine kill. I had been ready to blow up my boat, while all along it had been Greg playing a practical joke on me. At that moment I understood how it was possible for Abraham to place his son upon an altar.

For a boat, or anything electrical to function as it was designed, it needs to be connected to a power source. If human relationships are to function as they were designed, they too need to be connected to a power source. It’s as if you have a built-in battery that needs daily charges to keep you feeling complete and satisfied. For a long time I believed that I could keep that battery charged if I just plugged a 110-volt electrical cord into other people or my wife. Many of us enter marriage looking to our mate as the source of that power charge. We think, “Now that I have this person in my life, I am really going to have my needs met and be happy.” We ultimately find, however, that our mates cannot recharge our battery. Indeed, husbands and wives can be frustrating and irritating and drain away more emotional energy than they give. Our mates can be tremendous sources of help and encouragement, but if we expect them to be the source of our happiness, they are sure to disappoint us in the long run.

When coming face-to-face with this inevitable disappointment, many people assume they must have married the wrong person. Some may resort to an affair to recharge their battery. The stolen charge may light up the circuits for a moment, but after the glow fades they will feel emptier and more miserable than before. Even if they divorce and remarry the “right person,” they will encounter the same frustration. The problem is not in the person they marry; it is in their expectations that that person will make them happy and keep them charged day after day. Wrong.

Sooner or later we run headlong into an inescapable fact: no person on earth is capable of giving us the fulfillment we crave. We can never plug in to enough people to keep our lives filled with the happiness we want. It’s no wonder so many people consider suicide as a way out. By depending on people to make us happy, we not only miss the positive emotions we crave, we also saddle ourselves with the very negative emotions we want to avoid—deep frustration, disappointment, hurt feelings, worry, anxiety, fear, unrest, uncertainty, and confusion. These emotions are the inevitable result of depending on a person, place, or thing for your fulfillment. Bottom line: We’re just not wired to plug into other people as our power source. God made a way for us to find fulfillment and true happiness. God created us. God designed us for a relationship with Him. But the power cord must be connected through His son Jesus Christ. Jesus himself said he was the way to connect to God.

These images of love leave us with serious myths, such as:

• Passion equals love. Most people love something that is new.
• My lover should meet all my needs. This is impossible and the reverse is true. No human can meet your needs. Only God can do that.
• Once love dies, you can’t get it back. The emotion of love may get blasted by words and hurt but the commitment of love should be rock solid.
• Chemistry is all that matters. Chemistry should be the last thing you trust.
• Love conquers all. God love conquers all but our love is not consistent.
• When things get tough, it means you have the wrong partner. This is the most selfish kind of love. Giving love is not dependent on your partner’s response. Certainly people would have been the wrong partner for God but He loved us in spite of our flaws.
• My lover should make me happy. True happiness can only come from God. People are not capable of providing happiness.
• Once in love, you stay on a high forever. This myth puts incredible pressure on the other person. This is not genuine love.
• Love is a feeling, and you either have it, or you don’t. Love is a decision and you commit to honor and care for someone no matter what their response is to you.

These are all lies, or at best, gross misunderstandings of the true nature of love. The chemistry plays out. You eventually come off the high of infatuation. But that does not mean that love is dead. Not at all. In fact, it may be just beginning. It looks dead only because our expectations lead us to misunderstand the way love grows. It grows over time and through our commitment. The better we understand what love really is, the better we adapt to lives changes and keep that love alive.

The personal pain of the Tiger Woods and his family hits home to so many Michael and I come into contact with. I have seen the hurt in the wife’s eyes as she realizes the reality she once lived in was a lie. I’m not sure how to deal with it. I have to be honest, I asked Michael, “Are you living some other life I don’t know about?” I was half kidding but I was still questioning it too. I think I know Michael more than anyone else. I think I know his hurts, what he likes, what he doesn’t like, but I’m not in his mind. I don’t know what thoughts Satan tries to put into his head. To his credit Michael’s response was… of course funny… but reassuring. He, after cracking a joke first, did look me in the eyes and say, “No I’m not having an affair.”ť Sometimes I just need that security said out loud. You can say I’m over emotional, insecure, or whatever but to know that I can ask my husband an important question like that and he not become defensive, but humor me and validate why I might be questioning any man’s loyalty right now was comforting.

I think we can brush this off as too much money, too many women throwing themselves at Tiger, or too much fame, but I want to take the opportunity to challenge myself and my marriage. Will you do the same? I do not want to instigate fear and insecurity but I do want to learn how to listen to Michael in a better way. The only way to prevent this type of situation from happening is to draw closer to God and closer as couple, because we are all vulnerable.

Listening, really listening, takes a great deal of effort. Because Michael and I are so different every time he has something going on that’s really big I have to literally step outside myself and put myself in his shoes, the way he wears them. He cares about things but not in the same way I do. If you haven’t noticed social norms are not a priority to him. He wants to succeed on his terms and it makes it difficult for me to identify with him many times because he doesn’t feel the way I do. I am challenged continually to look at the world through his eyes. And I’m so thankful because I don’t want to see things only from one perspective. Michael’s world has so much color, noise, and excitement! If I didn’t appreciate that about him it would drive us apart and I wouldn’t care about listening to him.

Compassion means going to the depths of whatever the other person is feeling. I’m so glad I can have an honest and understanding conversation with my spouse about a current trial and feel I’m met with the same. If you don’t feel like you are being understood or over looked please seek the great Counselor first then maybe one of us. I have the privilege of meeting with people who are truly struggling to bind themselves to Christ in the middle of troubling marriages and divorces and I believe I can testify for them in this, without Christ they wouldn’t be making it! There is a strength and humility that comes when we draw ourselves to Christ. The blessed assurance of Christ sets us free indeed, no matter what.

If the rumors are true, and some very damaging evidence is coming out daily to prove these women’s stories, then Tiger is not just having affairs, he’s in the midst of a potential sexual addiction. Did you know The National Council on Sexual Addiction Compulsivity estimated that:

6%-8% of Americans are sex addicts, which is 16 million-21.5 million people. (Source: Cooper, Alvin, Dana E. Putnam, Lynn A. Planchon, and Sylvain C. Boies. “Online Sexual Compulsivity: Getting Tangled in the Net.” Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 6:79-104.)

Sexual addiction is not rampant, but it certainly is affecting a lot of people in the United States. What is sexual addiction? PsychCentral.com gives a good definition:

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.

For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.

In normal terms, someone with a sexual addiction is not just struggling with affairs or pornography, they are totally engrossed in these activities. It’s like they can not stop themselves and their behavior dramatically hurts their families and work life. Addiction is a horrible thing for people because many addicts do not want to do what ever it is they are addicted to, and most feel horrible about their addiction, but they can not stop themselves without a serious intervention.

I hope Tiger gets his intervention. He needs one and I know he is involved in marital counseling, but he is going to need individual work as well.