All couples will face making decisions during their married life. While some issues involve easier decisions like who handles the remote control or where to eat dinner. Others may require careful consideration because they involve important issues. Career choices, child care and major investments can fall under this category. As you and your spouse face significant choices, it’s important to have a method of decision making which allows you to remain in harmony. In other words, a way to help create a situation where peace is kept in the midst of negotiation. Having a system can also help guard against a major harmony roadblock: manipulation.

A couple saw the negative affects of manipulation when they were buying life-insurance. Despite a great sales pitch, a salesman was unable to convince the couple to purchase his policy. “I absolutely don’t want to pressure you into a decision,” he proclaimed while walking towards the door. “Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you’ve decided.”

As this couple found out, being manipulated is not a helpful way to make a wise decision. Likewise, when your mate pressures you during an important choice, it can cause major conflict.

The Art of Marital Negotiation

One of the most helpful methods my wife, Erin, and I use as we negotiate major decisions is called a “Pro and Con” list. Erin and I used this while in the middle of an argument concerning my schooling.

During my doctoral studies, I had to take a statistics class. Trouble began when during the first meeting, the professor recited a list of formulas that we should know. My stomach sickened when nothing he said sounded remotely familiar. I rushed home and informed Erin that I was dropping the class! Unfortunately, Erin didn’t agree and a major argument erupted.

The “negotiation” might have lasted longer except our two-year old daughter, Taylor, interceded. “That’s enough guys!” she yelled, and walloped me on the backside with a wooden spoon. The shock of being reprimanded by a two-year old caused us to double over with laughter. Once the tense moment ended, Erin and I were able to use the “pro and con” list to make a wise decision regarding my class.

First, after dividing a piece of paper into a “pro” and “con” side, we started brainstorming why dropping the class would be a poor decision. We repeated the same process for the pro side–listing any reason why dropping the class would be a good choice. It’s important when brainstorming to keep from evaluating the reasons until you’ve recorded every idea.

Our next step was to evaluate each “pro” and “con” and tease out the more relevant or important ones. Finally, when all the important factors were highlighted, we discussed what seemed like the best decision. Although I wasn’t thrilled, the wise choice was to remain in the class.

Regardless of whether I passed or failed the class (Amazingly, I ended up with an “A”), the main issue was that we agreed that our decision was the best choice. If a choice is not obvious or agreed upon, then continue listing additional pros and cons. You might need to take a break or show the list to a neutral third party for advice. Remember King Solomon’s encouragement, “…But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.” (Proverbs 12:15).

Using the pro and con list allowed Erin and I to stay in harmony through a major disagreement. As you and your spouse negotiate important decisions, I encourage you to use a method to help keep the peace.

My wife, Norma, is an expert at sniffing out the child who has Mom and Dad wrapped around his or her little finger. We’re not judgmental; we’re just old, and we eat out a lot. It gives us plenty of time to observe.

I am my own scientific study of one. Over the years, I have studied research comparing the biological brain patterns in preschoolers and how they translate into the gender differences. Through our work with thousands of couples at the Smalley Relationship Center, we have learned the best practices for working with crisis couples. I have personally interviewed over sixty thousand women to discover what leads to deep and lasting intimacy. Now at it for more than forty years, I am convinced that my own personal scientific study has impacted me the most. My entire ministry has been built on making mistakes in my marriage and family, repairing the relationships, and passing on what I have learned. I have even been accused of messing up on purpose so I would have something to write about. Ha! I wish I were nearing perfection to the point I had to fake mistakes. Wouldn’t that be something?

Alive for seventy years, I have observed a lot. Moses says we get seventy years, eighty if we’re strong, but I’m pushing for ninety. Married for forty-five of those years, I have now observed four generations within my own family. First I observed my parents and how they raised me. My second observation included everything Norma and I did with our children, most of which was opposite of my parents. My third observation could possibly be my favorite: my kids’ correcting everything Norma and I did wrong with them. It hurts sometimes, but it is hilarious more often than not. They have also picked and passed along our good habits. And my last observation (which is in its very early stages) is of my grandkids and how they are experiencing life reacting to their moms and dads. Lord knows, I love being the patriarch.

Every generation has unique characteristics. I have been particularly interested in the differences of each generation when it comes to marriage and parenting. The parents of today view the world and their role in it entirely differently than Norma and I. It hasn’t been that long, but I don’t remember ever having guilt as part of our parenting style. Sure there were times when I returned home from a speaking trip and felt guilty for being away. Or the times when I corrected or disciplined the kids only to learn that I was the one who was wrong. Guilt was rare. We did the best we could with the skills we had. Looking back, there are many, many things I would do differently. That’s the beauty of hindsight. But for the most part, I have few regrets.

Not so with today’s parents. They live for each and every moment as though they are going to miss something. Birthday parties seem more extravagant than ever. Disney is an annual goal, rather than a lifetime achievement. Kids get their own rooms; heaven forbid they share one. They have their first car at three, albeit a Barbie Jeep or John Deere Gator. Every day is a special day at school. Wear something green day. Funky hair day. Silly socks day. Awards assembly day. Pajama party day. You get the gist. When I was a kid, we were lucky to get an annual field trip to the library. Oh no! Did I just give the “When I was a kid” line? Am I coming across like a grumpy old man? I promise I’m not grumpy. But this is fun. Let’s keep going.

Parents today are rushing their kids from karate to dance while doing homework in the car and grabbing a bite at a drive-through. We sign our kids up for everything special. Forget about making costumes for Halloween; Target and Walmart have the latest and greatest in Hannah Montana and superhero attire. “Seize the day” has turned into “soak up everything out there, and squeeze every last drop of life out of the day.” We give all of our time and energy to the kids and very little to the marriage. Every hour a parent is not working or sleeping is given with a big bow on top to the kids. To not do so makes you a bad parent.

My young friend Jon Jenkins in Branson put it best when he said, “Gary, my dad loved me very much. I have never questioned that. He worked hard, and I don’t ever remember him coming home and spending hours playing with me and my brother. At best we would get a quick game of catch or a pickup basketball game, but then he was on to mow the lawn, change the oil in the car, grill dinner for Mom, or fix little things around the house. When he moved on to household chores, I don’t ever remember feeling like he didn’t love me. Why do I feel so guilty if I need to get something done around the house? Heather believes that we need to spend way more time with our kids than our parents could or would spend with us.”

The LORD God said, “It isn’t good for the man to live alone. I need to make a suitable partner for him.”
Genesis 2:18 (CEV)

A gorgeous white gown with a shimmery, ethereal veil. A sparkling diamond ring. Breathtaking floral arrangements, and the man of your dreams standing at the front of a church altar in a tuxedo, beaming with adoration and unable to take his eyes off you as you float toward him down the aisle. Sigh. This is the dream most American women have of their longed-awaited wedding day. In remarriage, it’s not often the reality.

As a remarried wife, you may have had the dream wedding the first time, but the marriage quickly became a nightmare. Or you may have given up the wedding dream to marry a man who already had an elaborate wedding to someone else. Your remarriage wedding ceremony was most likely done quickly and economically, without huge crowds and tons of fanfare. Even if you had a fancy ceremony and reception, you may have caught yourself wondering if it was as good as your spouse’s “other” wedding. Or the day might have had a damper on it because kids or stepkids were not allowed by former spouses to attend. It may have been tense because relatives or friends weren’t fully approving of the new union, or worries and fear might have surfaced in you that this marriage could end up one day just like your former one. (We actually know of one remarried husband who jokingly sent a condolence card into the dressing room of his bride-to-be on their wedding day. Yes, she still married him.)

No matter what your wedding day looked like, the picture painted in the first sentences of this chapter capture what the heart of a wife longs for: love and romance. To be more specific, most wives desire unconditional love, and they want to be romanced long after the dating days and “I Do’s” are done. It’s perfectly natural for a wife to desire to be loved and cherished. In fact, God wired women this way. But unconditional love and romance can be a tall order in remarriage, when wives, husbands and kids get caught in the loyalty triangle and former spouses come between you and your husband. The heart of a remarried wife can quickly get bruised or broken in the conflict and chaos that accompany remarriage.

Love, Remarriage Style: What Unconditional Love Looks Like

If you read the last chapter, “The Heart of a Remarried Husband” (And we hope you did. If you skipped it, go back and read it before you go on to Chapter Nine. It will give you valuable insight into the heart of the man you married.), then you know that God designed men to need unconditional respect. He also commanded wives to give it to them (Ephesians 5:33). In the same verse, God orders men to love their wives like they love their own bodies. The reason He commanded this was twofold: 1) Men don’t naturally express love very easily and 2) Women need love as much as they need oxygen or, for many women, chocolate!

A wife with an open heart knows and believes she is adored. She knows she is special in the eyes of someone who loves her no matter what her mood. She feels like she comes first, placed in her husband’s esteem above his work, the children, and especially his former wife. She believes that she is physically attractive and that her husband desires her body. When a husband loves his wife the way God calls him to do in Ephesians 5:33, a wife’s heart will have a much easier time staying open. But the remarried wife can’t depend on her husband to do all her heart work.

No human can love perfectly, including your husband. Whether your husband falls on the short end of the measuring stick when it comes to outward shows of affection and romantic gestures or is the kind of guy who still brings you flowers regularly, plans date nights and continues to croon loves songs in your ear (hopefully on-key), he can’t give you enough love to fulfill you.

The heart of a remarried wife requires proper tending, not only by her husband, but also by herself. That’s right. Remember our advice in the beginning of this book about tending your own heart? The wife has heart repairs of her own to make in order to get rid of all the clogs that might keep her from overflowing God’s love to her husband and family.

When you feel like you haven’t received a token of love lately, don’t always depend on your husband to act and feel disappointed when he doesn’t. Instead, give yourself a boost. Schedule a spa day, lunch with a good friend at a favorite restaurant, or indulge in a special treat. Consider it a kiss on the cheek from your Creator.

In order to have a fully open heart as a wife, you have to let God’s love fill and heal you. Your husband cannot fill up your love tank completely. He will never be able to make you feel pretty enough, show that he desires you enough, or tell you he loves you enough to fill the void that must be filled with a personal relationship with Christ. Your mate can never love you enough to bolster your self-esteem or make you believe you are a unique, beautiful woman created to live out a divine purpose. That kind of heart filling only comes from God.

Your husband can’t heal the heart hurts that have been inflicted over the years by adolescent classmates, former boyfriends or spouses, and the “mean girls” you’ve encountered. Only God’s love can erase the damage done by Satan, who has whispered in your ear for years that you aren’t worth anything, and that you will never be good enough, attractive enough, smart enough or talented enough to amount to much.

To experience true unconditional love, you must put time and energy into your relationship with Christ. He has to become your best friend, your comforter, the one from whom you derive your identity, your passion and your purpose. Then and only then can you believe the words of love that come from your husband and receive the gestures of love your spouse offers. Your husband is not—and never will be—your soul mate. (Sorry to burst your bubble once again.) Only God, who created your soul to long for Him, is your true soul mate. That’s why He calls His followers His “bride.”

The remarried wife who learns to love herself and her family by first loving God takes the pressure off of herself (for never feeling “good enough”) and her husband (for never giving her enough). She will feel loved and will be able to be more loving.

According to 1 Corinthians 13, real love is a tall order for us humans. Like we’ve noted before, it is patient and kind. It is not jealous, rude or self-serving. It is slow to become angry, does not delight in evil and doesn’t keep track of wrongs. It always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. Phew! Have you ever loved or known love like that? We haven’t. Yet that is the standard God sets of what “real love” looks like. It isn’t when eyes meet across a crowded room or when a leg “pops” up during a kiss. It isn’t even a happy ending. True love sticks around when things aren’t great, when they aren’t easy, when it seems easier to quit than do the hard work to go on, and when others are not loving you in return.

Examine your bookshelf and DVD collection. Look at the romance novels and romantic comedy films and get rid of any that make you feel restless or breed discontent in you about your remarriage. Novels, in particular, can give you a warped sense of what romantic love entails.

When you connect with Christ and allow Him to speak healing into your heart, then you can finally know unconditional love. And you can overflow some of that love to your husband and family. The heart of a remarried wife is uniquely created. You are beautiful, cherished, and adored. Don’t believe the lies of Satan anymore. You have a special call on your life that only you can fulfill. Think of it this way: Out of all the women in the world, God chose you to be the wife of this particular husband, the mother to your particular children and the stepmother to your particular stepchildren. Why? Because God must have seen that you have a combination of talents, skills, and gifts to share with them that no one else has. You are one-of-a-kind, and your family needs your heart to be filled with love and overflowing.

This post is not about some idea I have or something I want to educate you on. This post is about why you love your wife! So let the comments flow on reasons you love your wife.

Who knows, maybe the reason you love your wife will inspire another man to love his wife better! In fact, I will give a free copy of my latest study just for men, About a Girl, to the guy who inspires me the most!

(shameless plug)
I did recently finish and produce a new study for men titled, “About a Girl: the definitive guide on how a man can better love his wife!” It’s four lessons and DVD intros that can be used as a self study or small group. Click here to check it out.

http://smalleyonlinestore.com/about-a-girl-a-definitive-guide-on-how-a-man-can-love-his-wife.aspx

“Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.”
Titus 2:2, NIV

Let’s face it. In America today, men tend to get a bad rap. In movies and on TV, husbands are often lumped into two categories: abusive or comically stupid. We read stories in the news about deadbeat dads and watch fallen politicians and televangelists apologize for their sexual exploits. We want to reassure you right up front that we know there are still many intelligent men with integrity who want to embody the great character qualities found in Titus 2:2. We know there are a lot of men who marry the woman they love and stay faithful to her, men who plan to work hard to keep their marriage and family intact. If you’re reading this book (or your wife is reading it to you), we applaud you for being one of those men, a husband who isn’t afraid to learn how to love better and who wants to see his remarriage succeed. If we were standing next to you now, we’d give you a hearty handshake or a solid clap on the back. We know you want your remarriage to thrive, and we want to stand with you as you work toward that goal.

In the first section of this book, you learned a lot about the damage that has been done to your heart over the years and how to undo it by healing and guarding your heart. We pray that you are now (if you weren’t before) firmly connected in a rich personal relationship with Christ and are allowing Him to transform your mind and beliefs by meditating on His Word and memorizing it. If you love God, and His love is flowing through you to your wife and family, you are off to a great start.

Now we want to take you a step further into the unique role that a remarried husband plays. We’ll lay out some of the challenges and circumstances you may face in your remarriage that could cause your heart to harden and then give you insight into your own feelings and behaviors, as well as offer some practical ways to keep your heart as a remarried husband feeling like the safest place on earth (without getting overly mushy or anything).

The Remarried Husband’s Need for Respect

A few years ago, a senior pastor named Emerson Eggerichs uncovered a biblical secret he says was a “truth hidden in plain sight for 2,000 years.”22 It is found in Ephesians 5:33, and you probably know it by heart. It’s the verse that instructs husbands to love their wives as they love their own bodies. Pastors have preached this message to the men in their congregations over and over again. Every Christian husband knows he is supposed to love his wife unconditionally. That means he loves her on bad hair days, bad mood days, bad everything days. He has to love her, no matter what. The Bible tells him so.

What Eggerichs discovered was the second half of this verse, the part that is often glossed over but says, “and the wife must respect her husband.” A light bulb went off when he realized the implications of this in marriage, and he went on to develop highly successful marriage conferences and a best-selling book called Love & Respect from his revelation. Eggerichs believes (and we agree) that men were commanded by God to love their wives with no conditions attached because loving doesn’t come naturally for men, yet their wives were created with a deep need to feel loved and cherished. The pastor then quickly connected the dots that wives must have been commanded to respect their husbands for the same reason. Wives are to respect their husbands unconditionally because respect does not come easy for women, but men need it, as Eggerichs puts it, “like they need air to breathe.”

Men need unconditional respect from their wives, but a remarried husband may quickly feel like he’s having a tough time getting it. We want you to know that your desire for respect is normal and okay. It’s a deep-seated part of the way God wired you as a man. You need to recognize that, as a husband, you want your wife to respect you more than anyone else does. Her opinion of you counts the most, and you need to feel that she is your biggest cheerleader. In the workplace, at church, and among male friends and acquaintances, respect is the code of honor you live by. But once you walk through the front door after work, respect may feel like it goes right out the window. When your wife hands you the trash you forgot to take out and complains that your ex-wife just called asking for more money that you don’t have, the feeling of disrespect may rear its ugly head.

Thank your wife for being your biggest fan.

You feel respected when your wife puts you first, ahead of the kids, her phone calls, her friends, or her work. You are the head of your household, called by God to provide for it and protect it. But if your wife was a single mom before you two married, she may have been used to looking out for herself. Learning to live under your headship may feel unnatural, and you may interpret her discomfort as disrespect. As a remarried husband, you will need to work with your wife to define each of your roles in the home and distribute the balance of power so that you feel respected, and your wife doesn’t feel stripped of her identity or purpose.

When men feel disrespected, their natural tendency is to do one of two things: 1) shut their hearts down or 2) lash out in anger. Neither reaction is healthy, and both can do serious damage to a marriage. When remarriage occurs, the feeling of disrespect can be compounded because both spouses bring some of the emotional baggage from their former marriages with them. If you are a remarried husband who experienced divorce, you may have felt disrespected by your former wife for years, so you may approach every encounter with your new wife with built-in wariness that she is not going to respect you. You may also be battling a loss of respect for yourself because of the damage divorce did to your children, the financial comfort that was stripped away, or the behavior you displayed in your angriest moments. You may not respect yourself because you were unfaithful or did things in your past you are not proud of, and that can create very shaky ground in remarriage. The walls around your poor, disrespected heart may be high and almost impenetrable. It will be a top priority for you in remarriage to start dismantling those barriers and reveal the real you to your wife.

When you fell in love and remarried, part of what you fell for was the mirror image you saw reflected in your new spouse’s eyes. She adored you, and that felt great. It made you stand taller, forget your mistakes, and once again feel like you could conquer the world. When the routine and pressures of remarriage set in, you may think the stars in your spouse’s eyes have faded and she can’t possible respect you, the man she lives with everyday. You have to ask God to remove the lie etched on your heart that your wife does not respect you and replace it with the belief that she deeply respects you—and that as a husband now living for God and his family you are worthy of respect.

Your wife also brings her emotional past to your marriage, and she may speak to you or look at you in ways that come across as disrespectful, especially in times of conflict. A disdainful look or sarcastic tone violates your code of honor as a man, and your heart clamps down. You will have to be vigilant in remarriage in guarding your heart from hardening when you feel disrespected. It is also important to determine whether your wife is truly acting disrespectfully or if you are seeing her actions through the lens of your past.

In a time of non-conflict, talk openly with your wife about what specific actions, facial expressions, body language or speaking tones set you off or cause you to shut down.

You and your wife need to learn to recognize what triggers feelings of disrespect in you as a remarried husband, so that you don’t fall into the same unhealthy patterns that reigned in your former marriage. When you feel respected, your heart can remain fully open and engaged. You will experience more satisfaction and will want to love your wife more.

“There are three things that amaze me— ?no, four things that I don’t understand: ?how an eagle glides through the sky, ?how a snake slithers on a rock, ?how a ship navigates the ocean, ?how a man loves a woman.”
Proverbs 30:18-19 (NLT)

We’ve spent a lot of time so far focusing on how important our hearts are, how easily they’ve been wounded and shut down by events in our pasts, and how to reopen them again. We have learned how we can transform our beliefs and meditate on key Bible verses to change our lives. And in the last chapter, we unpacked many of the ways we can nurture and nourish each other’s hearts in marriage so that they remain open, with love flowing freely. But right about now we can hear you saying, This is good stuff about the heart, Smalleys and Cretsingers, but I thought this book was going to focus on my remarriage. Seems like open hearts and love for God and others are important in any healthy, loving relationship. What makes remarriage different?

Ahh, we’re glad you asked. If you are preparing for remarriage or helping couples prepare for remarriage, you need to know there are many unique circumstances and situations that make remarried hearts more vulnerable to confusion, hurt, anger and conflict than hearts looking forward to being joined in a first marriage. If you’re already remarried, you probably know exactly what we mean. (But don’t skip this chapter, because we’re going to outline ways to make sure you both have healed hearts in your remarriage, so that it can last a lifetime.)
Closed for Business

When a marriage ends because of death or divorce, it leaves a void, an empty space in the heart, whether you experienced the loss or were the one who did the leaving. Regardless of how a marriage ends, it causes devastation, even when it is accompanied by a feeling of relief. The Bible says that when two people are married, they become “one flesh.” If that is true, and we believe all of God’s Word is true, then when a marriage ends, it tears that one flesh apart. Ouch!

When a loss of such magnitude is suffered, people react in a variety of ways to try to fill the now-empty space inside or to dull the guilt and pain of the consequences that came with their actions. Some numb the pain with alcohol drugs, food, work, television or any other method or substance they can think of to escape. Some let their anger take over the space inside, growing roots of bitterness toward a former spouse or at God and dead-bolting the doors of their heart. The most common way that most people fill the void left by a spouse who is no longer there is to jump too quickly into a new romantic relationship.

Talk to remarried couples about what they did right and wrong during their courtship. Find out how they feel they could have better prepared for remarriage.

The problem with all of these misguided efforts is that they cut off the healing process and keep the heart in pain—but the one in agony doesn’t know it! The “good” feelings induced by alcohol, drugs and even food, or the emotional high of receiving affection and admiration from a new person form a nice, neat scab over the heart’s gaping wounds. But without taking time to clean out the heart first, the deep emotional wounds will eventually fester and hearts will become closed for business

Intimacy occurs effortlessly and naturally when two hearts are open to one another. In its most basic sense, intimacy is the experience of being close to another person and openly sharing something with them. This may or may not include words. It doesn’t necessarily require work or effort. The best approach to fostering intimacy in remarriage is to focus on creating a safe environment for yourself and your spouse. When both of you feel safe, you will naturally be inclined to relax and be open. Then, intimacy simply happens. It does not require effort or conscious attention.

Think about a time when you have been hurt by your spouse. You instantly felt closed, shut down or disconnected. But have you noticed how quickly your heart reopened when the offender took responsibility for hurting you and sought forgiveness? You went from feeling completely closed to wide open in little more than a heartbeat. This is because openness is the default setting of our hearts. They were designed to be open. It’s all the junk—lies, negative messages, and hurtful behavior—that forces our hearts to shut down. But that isn’t how God created us.

Emotional safety is the bedrock of a close, open, intimate marital relationship. In this kind of secure environment, the couple wants to stay in love and harmony and feel very protected, rather than vulnerable, with each other. Emotional safety will help you create a climate in which you can build an open relationship that will grow and flourish. It will help you and your spouse feel cherished, honored, and fully alive.

Attend a marriage conference, join a couples’ group, make time for daily devotions, or take up a new hobby or activity together. Invest time in doing something constructive as a couple, and your hearts will feel safer.

In your quest to have a satisfying remarriage, we want to encourage you to make emotional safety a top priority—it must be the foundation for your family to survive.

What Does Emotional Safety Mean?

Most marriage books coach you on how to use a new therapy technique, unpack some latest bit of research, or apply the five trendy steps or seven popular principles. What you really need is simply the know-how to create an emotionally safe environment.

We asked more than one thousand couples who attended a recent marriage seminar to define “emotional safety.” Listen to some of their responses:

• Feeling completely secure
• Knowing that you are loved
• Being accepted for who you are
• Feeling relaxed and less tense
• Being cared for above anyone else
• Feeling free to express who you really are
• Being loved unconditionally
• Feeling confident and less insecure
• Feeling respected
• Being with someone who is trustworthy
• Feeling comfortable around that person
• Being there for me
• Being fully understood
• Feeling valued and honored
• Loving reassurance
• Feeling a deep sense that the relationship is solid
• Allowing ourselves to open fully to give and receive love
• Not being judged
• Seeing me for who I am
• Accepting my flaws as part of the whole package
• Maintaining an atmosphere of open communication

That’s a pretty amazing list, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it feel wonderful to have all of these things as the foundation of your marital relationship? We define emotional safety as feeling free to open up and reveal who you really are, knowing that the other person will still love, understand, accept, and value you—no matter what. Wow! I want that in marriage. Don’t you?

Try to come up with five personal questions to ask your spouse that you do not know the answers to, such as her most embarrassing moment or his most memorable meal. Other suggestions? Find out what celebrities your mate has met, how many (and what kind) of pets your partner had growing up, and what your spouse has always secretly wanted to do.

You feel emotionally safe with someone when you believe that person will handle your heart—your deepest feelings and desires—with genuine interest, curiosity, and tender, loving care. In other words, you hold your heart out to the person and say, “Here is who I am—emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and mentally. I want you to know my heart and soul. I want you to get to know who I am and appreciate who I am and value who I am. I am a very fascinating person who will take you more than one lifetime to understand!”

But you will never offer your heart or reveal who you really are if you don’t feel that it is safe to do so.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)

Remember that majestic old farmhouse from the movie Twister that we described earlier? We hope this is slowly becoming your vision for what your remarriage can be. Your goal is to open hearts so that they feel like a safe haven, a place of warmth and security for all who enter. What will it take to accomplish this? One little phrase: Emotional Security. Next to your relationship with Christ and the transformation of your mind and beliefs, emotional security is the most important aspect of fostering a great remarriage.

The marital relationship is what makes or breaks a stepfamily. The husband and wife are the heart of every family, and we already know that the heart needs to remain wide open for love to flow through it. What does it take to keep the valves clear that’s different from what you may have heard or read in other marriage seminars, conferences, or books? Let us say it again: Emotional Security.

Here’s what we mean: After you examine yourself honestly and allow God to perform the necessary surgery to clear any blockages (Go back to Chapters Three and Four if you need to review), your now wide-open heart has to feel safe in order to stay that way. Oftentimes, remarriage relationships feel anything but safe. The walls were raised on a foundation of loss and change. The yard is filled with emotional landmines, ready to be tripped at any moment by an inadvertent gesture, look, or sharp tone that brings to mind a former spouse or painful divorce. Wham! Your heart doors slam shut, and the hard work must start all over again.

Since most remarriages take place after some sort of trauma (divorce or death), there is a built-in, underlying sense of insecurity. This is one of your primary battles. It’s not a knock on remarriage. It’s just what makes second unions and beyond unique from most first-married families. As if that’s not difficult enough, add in the fact that these new marriages are situated directly in the path of oncoming “tornadoes” trying to rip them apart. Tornadoes such as children still suffering from the effects of divorce, former spouses who loathe the new spouse (‘the intruder”), guilt over failed marriages, stepchildren who don’t want a stepparent in their lives, birth children who get “buried” underneath the wreckage of prodigal stepkids, and let’s not forget one of our favorites (heavy sarcasm here), the “ghosts” of marriages past that pop up at every turn! These are just a few of the common storms that barrel down on remarried couples. All of these situations and circumstances erode the sense of safety and security and send hearts back to square one.

Don’t let the emotional funnel clouds on your horizon send you bolting behind emotional barricades. As a couple, you can stand firm, even against an F5 storm, if you put considerable effort and energy into making your hearts feel like the safest place on earth. Can you picture it yet? You and your spouse are curled up together on the porch swing of that old farmhouse, the one that has survived tornado after tornado. You are cuddling, talking, and watching your children and stepchildren laugh and play. That’s the picture to keep in front of you. That’s the place where you want to raise your family—in an environment that is safe and secure—where hearts can feel safe and stay open.