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Get the ebook of 4 Days to a Forever Marriage for only $2.99

Posted on February 2, 2012 by in Marriage

My book is on sale at the following digital sites for only $2.99:

THE SALE ENDS ON VALENTINE’S DAY, FEBRUARY 14TH!

Choosing the Treasure

Posted on January 17, 2012 by in Marriage

Treasuring is an attitude we carry in our hearts, a conviction we hold deep down inside. It’s one big decision that plays itself out in 10,000 little decisions every day of our lives. This one giant choice to treasure your husband lights up a home like nothing else. Become a channel of God’s love to your husband.

Jesus calls on you to love God with your whole heart and your neighbor (especially your husband) as you do yourself.

Every man needs to know that someone, somewhere in the world, cares about him. He needs to feel warm, friendly acceptance from a committed, intimate friend who will be devoted to him no matter what he does. In other words, just like you, your husband needs the security of genuine love. Be the person he knows is always in his corner.

As a wife, doing recreational things with your husband can be a key to keeping his interest. That doesn’t mean you have to take up hunting or hang gliding, but picking an inter- est of his and making it one you can share with him—can pay rich dividends.

Men need to feel appreciated. Many husbands think their biggest con- tribution to you and the family is the financial support they provide. One of the best ways to show your appreciation is to thank him for his faithfulness on the job. Even if you’re providing part of the income (or most of it!), it’s crucial that you show him how grateful you are for his provision.

A wife skilled at meeting her husband’s needs will become indispensable to him.

Let your husband know you’re proud of him and you accept him even if you don’t completely agree with the decisions he makes and the direction he’s going. When your husband is down, don’t react with disgust as though he has lost his masculinity. Maintain the attitude that he’s important.

Those days are gonna come

Posted on December 12, 2011 by in Marriage

Gary: Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship, including marriage. When you put to- gether two people, male and female, from different backgrounds, with different customs and traditions, with varying expectations and dreams—disagreements are going to happen. The key issue is how you’re going to deal with them.

Norma: We’ve found that sometimes conflicts come to a head quickly, and sometimes they build up over a long period. In our case, one issue de- veloped over 30 years before it was resolved. The problem was that Gary started snoring, and it got worse as time went on. At first it was only irritating, even a little amusing. But as Gary’s volume increased, my patience decreased! After a while, I realized he might actually have a serious medical problem known as sleep apnea. He would literally stop breathing for a few seconds as he slept, then begin again with a start, waking up a little in the process. As a result, neither one of us was getting much quality sleep.

Gary: Like a typical man, however, I didn’t think the problem was all that serious. And I certainly was in no hurry to go to a doctor! I had to acknowl- edge, however, that neither of us was sleeping very well. But what finally drove me to seek medical help was when Norma said she would need to move into a separate bedroom if I didn’t get help! She had reached the point where she thought that was the only way she could get a little rest at night. I went to a sleep clinic, where they determined that I do, indeed, have sleep apnea. And they prescribed a breathing machine that forces air into my mouth and lungs while I sleep. It was incredible! The difference between “before” and “after” was like the difference between night and day. I soon found I had far more energy, a better ability to concentrate, and much less irritability than before.

Norma: Our experience with Gary’s sleep apnea has taught us a couple of things about marital conflict. First, if there’s frequently or sometimes even constantly a level of friction or tension between you and your spouse, it may have a physical cause. So before you draw negative conclusions about each other’s character or cooperativeness, look into that possibility. Solving your conflict could take a whole different direction from what you now think is need- ed if there is, in fact, a physical problem. (Conditions like sleep apnea, hormonal imbalances, and high blood pressure are more widespread than most people realize.) Second, when there is a conflict, we have to focus on the problem and look for solutions to it rather than focusing on the other person. Before Gary finally went and got treatment for his sleep apnea, I’ll admit there were times when I got upset with him for not taking appropriate action and so forcing me to live with his continued snoring. But most of the time, I was able to keep things in a more healthy perspective. His apnea was the problem, not Gary himself. If I had let myself get mad at Gary about it too often, we might have ended up sleeping in different houses.

Gary: That brings up another point that can’t be made too often: If a husband and wife are going to keep happily together for a lifetime, they simply must learn to give, ask for, and receive forgiveness. We will hurt each other from time to time, sometimes on purpose and sometimes without knowing it. If those injuries aren’t forgiven, the spirit of the person who was hurt will close, making real intimacy next to impossible. Because of living with me, Norma has had to become an expert at offering forgiveness!

Norma: Gary knows I’ve needed to be forgiven my share of the time, too. But I absolutely agree that a willingness to forgive and to seek forgiveness when needed is one of the most crucial foundation stones in any marriage.

The art of timing

Posted on December 5, 2011 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Marriage

There’s more to effective communication than putting together and then practicing the right message. Picking the right time and place to convey it is also crucial. In a marriage, meaningful words bring life-giving water to the soil of a person’s life. In fact, all loving relationships need the continual intake of the water of communication or they simply dry up. No marriage can survive without it.

If a man is to be truly effective in his relationships both at home and at work, he needs to develop the ability to speak the “language of the heart” (facts and feelings). Right there under the same roof is a woman who can help him learn that skill, if he is willing to listen to her.

Without meaning to, we can communicate nonverbally that other people or activities are more important to us than fam- ily. You’ve heard of football widows. How about golf orphans? Those who know us best provide the best correction. In particular, our mates, who were designed by God to complete us, are most sensitive to the areas in which we need help.

We also need to give praise and thanks to each other for special acts of kindness. Many people complain that their mate is strangely silent when they do something above and beyond the norm.

The Salt Principle is a method of gaining and holding a person’s attention by arousing curiosity. It’s a way to create a thirst for constructive conversation in which both you and your spouse can learn about each other’s needs. First, identify the need or concern to be discussed, and then identify areas of high interest to the other person—areas you can tap into to pique interest.

One of the easiest ways to reduce misunderstandings and communication friction is to share only a few thoughts with someone and then allow the person to repeat back what he or she thinks you said, much as would happen when you place an order at a fast food drive-through. This method will also improve your listening skills.

Added benefits to this kind of drive-through talking: (a) It gives you a chance to fully understand what the other person is saying before you respond, which also prevents tuning out the other per- son while he or she is talking; (b) it validates the other person and his or her opinions. When you not only listen but also repeat back what someone says, you communicate that the person and his or her opinions are important to you and worth taking seriously.

(This article was excerpted from 4 Days to a Forever Marriage by Gary and Norma Smalley.)

How to bridge the differences

Posted on November 28, 2011 by in Intimacy, Marriage

As mentioned earlier, an emotional word picture is a communication tool that uses a story or object to activate simultaneously the emo- tions and the intellect of a person.

In so doing, it causes the person to experience our words, not just hear them. You might think of them as vivid metaphors or similes. They can be as simple as stating, “I feel like I’m in a jungle surrounded by tigers,” if expressing fear or anxiety at work.

How do you honestly tell the one you love about something you find displeasing or aggravating without prompting that familiar defensive stare or indifferent shrug?

You can help your mate become more sensitive to the problem by using a word picture rather than direct confrontation. Use examples that interest him or her, such as hobbies, everyday objects, or imaginary stories.

A lot of men avoid soft words and tender comfort because they’ve never been taught how to use them. Nor do they understand the positive effects those things will have on their wives and the sense of wellbeing they themselves will receive.

People who consistently use word pictures to point out the faults of others are misusing this communication method. They may make you feel terrible with their words and somehow convince you it’s your fault. Word pictures are to be used to convey how you feel, not to attack the other person.

The communication bridge between you and your spouse can be an emotional word picture, which can be a tremendous help in adding depth and impact to your conversations. Added to this, consistent, gentle touching is a powerful way to increase feelings of security, prime the pump for meaningful communication, and set the stage for emotionally bonding and romantic times. That’s because a gentle hug is a powerful nonverbal word picture of love.

Meaningful communication is sharing your feelings, goals, and ideas – your very personhood. But it isn’t always easy to express those deeper things to one another. That’s where the right word picture can help to bring your thoughts to life, activating your mate’s emotions as well as intellect.

(This article was excerpted from Gary and Norma’s 4 Days to a Forever Marriage.)

I told you so

Posted on November 13, 2011 by in Communication, Marriage

Words have awesome power to build us up or tear us down emotionally. Many people can clearly remember words of praise their parents spoke years ago. Others can remember negative, cutting words—in extraordinary detail. Com- munication within the family is like the body’s circulatory system. When we stop listening to each other, it’s as though the family suffers a stroke. We become disabled. Certain members no longer respond to other members.

It is such a lie to think you’ll change your spouse. Expectations are the number-one reason people are not happy. We keep expecting things and people to make us happy.

Explain how you feel in- stead of demanding that your partner improve. Use “I feel” state- ments, but wait for the right time, and abandon the “you” statements and the “I told you so” statements.

In defeating the arguments and problems that can crop up around any home, try seasoning each day with a liberal sprinkling of praise: “You’re so smart.” “What a treasure you are!” “That’s so creative!” “I’m praying for you.” “You’re wonderful!” “I’m with you all the way.” “Thank you for all your help.”

How quick we are to pick out the negative while ignoring five equally obvious positives! Unless we’re careful, our body language and facial expressions will tend to minimize our praise while maxi- mizing our criticisms. Make it your goal to praise your mate for something at least once each day.

Other approaches to criticism: Be soft—you can often say the hardest thing to someone, and he or she will receive it if you say it gently. Ask questions—help people discover for themselves what you’re trying to say. Use those visual word pictures. Communication takes perseverance—and the very strength and courage of God’s Spirit—to replace impatience, insensitivity, and self-preoccupation with loving communication patterns.

It’s crucial that a husband listen to his wife’s thoughts and feelings; even possible correction. Through listening to her, he can learn how to love her as Christ loves the Church, so that their relationship will blossom into the mature marriage God designed. We must let God change and transform us, and bring us happiness. We try to do it externally, but it won’t happen that way.

Many things have to happen if you’re going to agree on major decisions. Norma and I have had to reason together for long periods in order to discover the reasons behind each other’s perspectives. A couple cannot survive if one person always makes decisions independent of the other. It takes longer to make a decision if you insist on discussion that produces unity, but it removes the danger of hasty decisions that can cause a couple future problems in their marriage.

Work to avoid judgmental attitudes like “How stupid!”, “Oh no, that would never work!” or “You’ll never
understand!” If you criticize your mate in a condescending manner, you’re actually pushing him or her further away from you. No one enjoys being with a disrespectful person. And no one likes to be criticized. However, if you sandwich your criticism between two slices of sincere praise, you’ll be amazed at the difference in your mate’s reactions.

Communicating from the Word “Go”

Posted on November 8, 2011 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Marriage

Gary: A lot has been written and said about how to communicate in marriage. I should know—I’ve done my share of the talking in my previous books and seminars! But the fact is that it took me a long time to learn one of the most important communication skills—how to listen. I especially needed to learn how to listen to Norma!

Norma: In the Bible, the Book of Genesis says God made the wife to be her husband’s completer—to give him strengths and insights he didn’t have on his own. As Gary’s work has developed over the years, I’ve tried to be that completer for him, but he hasn’t always listened because I’ve often had to say things he didn’t want to hear! One of the areas where he didn’t want to listen was the subject of how big and complex our ministry staff should (or shouldn’t) become.

Gary: As the ministry began to really grow a number of years ago, with new opportunities opening up nearly every day, it seemed natural to me that our staff should expand to meet those demands. There were seminars to run, books to publish, film series to produce, small-group studies to develop, and so on. I was ready to build an empire! I started interviewing and hiring people to help turn my dreams into reality. Norma didn’t think that was a good idea and told me so. I didn’t agree and told her so. Before too long, however, events would prove she was right.

Norma: Gary is a wonderfully gifted man in so many ways. But one of those ways is not administration. Based on his natural strengths and weaknesses, I don’t think God ever intended him to manage a large organization. There are other ministries and companies through which he can exercise his speaking and other gifts. Nonetheless, as he said, he wouldn’t hear that from me and so he went about hiring people. Some of them lasted only six months before they left in frustration and disappointment. Finally, though Gary still wasn’t convinced I was right, he could see there were problems, so he agreed to seek some outside counsel. A short time later, we went to dinner with Dr. James Dobson, whose own Focus on the Family ministry was already fairly large and continuing to grow.

Gary: We met him in a restaurant in Southern California. As soon as we were ready to get down to business, I told him, “Jim, I want a staff as big as yours,” and I explained all the things I thought God was calling us to do. “Well,” he said, “let me ask you a few things.” Then he asked a series of questions meant to reveal what kind of administrator I would be—things like “Are you good with details?” and “Can you make hard decisions and communicate them to your staff?” As he posed those questions, I had to answer no to every one. And all the time we were talking, Norma was kicking me under the table and smiling at me.

Norma: From talking with a lot of women, I know Gary was far from alone at that point in being willing to accept an insight from someone outside the family that he had been rejecting from his wife. To his credit, Gary listened to Jim that day, and from that time forward we’ve kept our ministry staff small and done a lot of work through others, like book publishers and churches. That experience was also a part of his learning process—learning to listen to me, even when he wanted to disagree, with the belief that I might have some helpful insight that he didn’t possess.

Gary: It took me a lot of years, but eventually I accepted the fact that I had better listen carefully when Norma speaks about my strengths and gifts, about people and projects, and so on. She knows me better than I know myself in some ways, and she has a wonderful intuitive sense about people and situations. As we look back on our time together now, we can see dozens and dozens of times when she has guided me, protected me, and kept me from doing foolish things. No less than a hundred times, I’ve thanked her for going through the pain of speaking up through the years when she knew I wasn’t going to like what she needed to say. If you want your mate to be all the help to you that God intended, start today to really listen to—and take to heart—what he or she has to say.

p.s. To purchase 4 Days to a Forever Marriage, please click here.

The Path to Less Stress…for Both of You

Posted on November 8, 2011 by in Communication, Marriage

(excerpted from 4 Days to a Forever Marriage by Gary and Norma Smalley)

You and your marriage will experience less stress if you understand that men tend to be challenge oriented and often lose interest once they’ve “conquered” or met the challenge. That’s why they can be so romantic before marriage and afterward show little interest in romance. You can motivate your husband to love you by learning to be a courageous, persistent, and patient wife. As a completer and helper, you will need courage to help motivate change, gentle persistence to make sure it continues, and patience to wait on the Lord when change is long in coming.

Your husband needs to be made aware—in creative, loving ways—of how to meet your needs. Realize that your husband may well think he knows what you need. This perception can lead to frustration and discouragement for both of you. The more you clarify what you truly need, the more he will be able to love you. Remember, you’re in the process of sharing with him how to love you, and he’s in the process of learning. If you’re on the same train, don’t expect him to get to the destination before you do.

A woman’s native ability in the area of relationships is her greatest resource. With it, she can lovingly and persistently help her husband fulfill life’s most important responsibilities and reach the most crucial biblical mile- stones in life. Don’t feel hurt and condemn your husband because he doesn’t speak the “language of relationships” very well. To him, it’s like a foreign language. Instead, help him learn to use it as fluently as you do.

By diminishing your expectations— by not expecting your husband to provide a level of fulfillment that only God can give— you free your husband of a burden you otherwise force him to bear, and you free yourself from unnecessary disappointment. This doesn’t mean ignoring your needs or wants, just getting rid of your time limit and preconceived ideas about when and how those expectations will be met.

A man’s competitive nature, when turned toward gaining a successful relationship, can cause dramatic growth in his marriage. Once the knowledge and skills of good relationships are in sight, he can go after them the same way he “conquers” a project at work.

p.s. To purchase 4 Days to a Forever Marriage, please click here.