Refrain from confronting your husband’s deficiencies in anger. A man has a tendency to fight his conscience, and if you become his conscience, he’ll either fight you or flee from you. Whichever route he takes, you’ve failed in your desire to spend more time with him.

Deciding someone is valuable is a major step in acting out our love for him or her. Love grows out of an attitude of honor.

Your husband might sometimes irritate you, belittle you, offend you, ignore you, or even nauseate you, but admiration looks beyond what he does to who he is. It’s unconditional. Men gravitate toward those who admire them.

Your husband will usually gain more intimacy from what he “does” with you than from what the two of you talk about. So plan activities each week where you can bond by enjoying each other as you do something together.

If a man is to be truly effective in his relationships both at home and at work, he needs to develop the ability to speak the “language of the heart” (facts and feelings). Right there under the same roof is a woman who can help him learn that skill, if he is willing to listen to her.

Without meaning to, we can communicate nonverbally that other people or activities are more important to us than fam- ily. You’ve heard of football widows. How about golf orphans? Those who know us best provide the best correction. In particular, our mates, who were designed by God to complete us, are most sensitive to the areas in which we need help.

We also need to give praise and thanks to each other for special acts of kindness. Many people complain that their mate is strangely silent when they do something above and beyond the norm.

The Salt Principle is a method of gaining and holding a person’s attention by arousing curiosity. It’s a way to create a thirst for constructive conversation in which both you and your spouse can learn about each other’s needs. First, identify the need or concern to be discussed, and then identify areas of high interest to the other person—areas you can tap into to pique interest.

One of the easiest ways to reduce misunderstandings and communication friction is to share only a few thoughts with someone and then allow the person to repeat back what he or she thinks you said, much as would happen when you place an order at a fast food drive-through. This method will also improve your listening skills.

Added benefits to this kind of drive-through talking: (a) It gives you a chance to fully understand what the other person is saying before you respond, which also prevents tuning out the other per- son while he or she is talking; (b) it validates the other person and his or her opinions. When you not only listen but also repeat back what someone says, you communicate that the person and his or her opinions are important to you and worth taking seriously.

(This article was excerpted from 4 Days to a Forever Marriage by Gary and Norma Smalley.)

It is such a lie to think you’ll change your spouse. Expectations are the number-one reason people are not happy. We keep expecting things and people to make us happy.

Explain how you feel in- stead of demanding that your partner improve. Use “I feel” state- ments, but wait for the right time, and abandon the “you” statements and the “I told you so” statements.

In defeating the arguments and problems that can crop up around any home, try seasoning each day with a liberal sprinkling of praise: “You’re so smart.” “What a treasure you are!” “That’s so creative!” “I’m praying for you.” “You’re wonderful!” “I’m with you all the way.” “Thank you for all your help.”

How quick we are to pick out the negative while ignoring five equally obvious positives! Unless we’re careful, our body language and facial expressions will tend to minimize our praise while maxi- mizing our criticisms. Make it your goal to praise your mate for something at least once each day.

Other approaches to criticism: Be soft—you can often say the hardest thing to someone, and he or she will receive it if you say it gently. Ask questions—help people discover for themselves what you’re trying to say. Use those visual word pictures. Communication takes perseverance—and the very strength and courage of God’s Spirit—to replace impatience, insensitivity, and self-preoccupation with loving communication patterns.

It’s crucial that a husband listen to his wife’s thoughts and feelings; even possible correction. Through listening to her, he can learn how to love her as Christ loves the Church, so that their relationship will blossom into the mature marriage God designed. We must let God change and transform us, and bring us happiness. We try to do it externally, but it won’t happen that way.

Many things have to happen if you’re going to agree on major decisions. Norma and I have had to reason together for long periods in order to discover the reasons behind each other’s perspectives. A couple cannot survive if one person always makes decisions independent of the other. It takes longer to make a decision if you insist on discussion that produces unity, but it removes the danger of hasty decisions that can cause a couple future problems in their marriage.

Work to avoid judgmental attitudes like “How stupid!”, “Oh no, that would never work!” or “You’ll never
understand!” If you criticize your mate in a condescending manner, you’re actually pushing him or her further away from you. No one enjoys being with a disrespectful person. And no one likes to be criticized. However, if you sandwich your criticism between two slices of sincere praise, you’ll be amazed at the difference in your mate’s reactions.

Norma: In the Bible, the Book of Genesis says God made the wife to be her husband’s completer—to give him strengths and insights he didn’t have on his own. As Gary’s work has developed over the years, I’ve tried to be that completer for him, but he hasn’t always listened because I’ve often had to say things he didn’t want to hear! One of the areas where he didn’t want to listen was the subject of how big and complex our ministry staff should (or shouldn’t) become.

Gary: As the ministry began to really grow a number of years ago, with new opportunities opening up nearly every day, it seemed natural to me that our staff should expand to meet those demands. There were seminars to run, books to publish, film series to produce, small-group studies to develop, and so on. I was ready to build an empire! I started interviewing and hiring people to help turn my dreams into reality. Norma didn’t think that was a good idea and told me so. I didn’t agree and told her so. Before too long, however, events would prove she was right.

Norma: Gary is a wonderfully gifted man in so many ways. But one of those ways is not administration. Based on his natural strengths and weaknesses, I don’t think God ever intended him to manage a large organization. There are other ministries and companies through which he can exercise his speaking and other gifts. Nonetheless, as he said, he wouldn’t hear that from me and so he went about hiring people. Some of them lasted only six months before they left in frustration and disappointment. Finally, though Gary still wasn’t convinced I was right, he could see there were problems, so he agreed to seek some outside counsel. A short time later, we went to dinner with Dr. James Dobson, whose own Focus on the Family ministry was already fairly large and continuing to grow.

Gary: We met him in a restaurant in Southern California. As soon as we were ready to get down to business, I told him, “Jim, I want a staff as big as yours,” and I explained all the things I thought God was calling us to do. “Well,” he said, “let me ask you a few things.” Then he asked a series of questions meant to reveal what kind of administrator I would be—things like “Are you good with details?” and “Can you make hard decisions and communicate them to your staff?” As he posed those questions, I had to answer no to every one. And all the time we were talking, Norma was kicking me under the table and smiling at me.

Norma: From talking with a lot of women, I know Gary was far from alone at that point in being willing to accept an insight from someone outside the family that he had been rejecting from his wife. To his credit, Gary listened to Jim that day, and from that time forward we’ve kept our ministry staff small and done a lot of work through others, like book publishers and churches. That experience was also a part of his learning process—learning to listen to me, even when he wanted to disagree, with the belief that I might have some helpful insight that he didn’t possess.

Gary: It took me a lot of years, but eventually I accepted the fact that I had better listen carefully when Norma speaks about my strengths and gifts, about people and projects, and so on. She knows me better than I know myself in some ways, and she has a wonderful intuitive sense about people and situations. As we look back on our time together now, we can see dozens and dozens of times when she has guided me, protected me, and kept me from doing foolish things. No less than a hundred times, I’ve thanked her for going through the pain of speaking up through the years when she knew I wasn’t going to like what she needed to say. If you want your mate to be all the help to you that God intended, start today to really listen to—and take to heart—what he or she has to say.

p.s. To purchase 4 Days to a Forever Marriage, please click here.

You and your marriage will experience less stress if you understand that men tend to be challenge oriented and often lose interest once they’ve “conquered” or met the challenge. That’s why they can be so romantic before marriage and afterward show little interest in romance. You can motivate your husband to love you by learning to be a courageous, persistent, and patient wife. As a completer and helper, you will need courage to help motivate change, gentle persistence to make sure it continues, and patience to wait on the Lord when change is long in coming.

Your husband needs to be made aware—in creative, loving ways—of how to meet your needs. Realize that your husband may well think he knows what you need. This perception can lead to frustration and discouragement for both of you. The more you clarify what you truly need, the more he will be able to love you. Remember, you’re in the process of sharing with him how to love you, and he’s in the process of learning. If you’re on the same train, don’t expect him to get to the destination before you do.

A woman’s native ability in the area of relationships is her greatest resource. With it, she can lovingly and persistently help her husband fulfill life’s most important responsibilities and reach the most crucial biblical mile- stones in life. Don’t feel hurt and condemn your husband because he doesn’t speak the “language of relationships” very well. To him, it’s like a foreign language. Instead, help him learn to use it as fluently as you do.

By diminishing your expectations— by not expecting your husband to provide a level of fulfillment that only God can give— you free your husband of a burden you otherwise force him to bear, and you free yourself from unnecessary disappointment. This doesn’t mean ignoring your needs or wants, just getting rid of your time limit and preconceived ideas about when and how those expectations will be met.

A man’s competitive nature, when turned toward gaining a successful relationship, can cause dramatic growth in his marriage. Once the knowledge and skills of good relationships are in sight, he can go after them the same way he “conquers” a project at work.

p.s. To purchase 4 Days to a Forever Marriage, please click here.

Reviewed by Barbara J. Peters, LPC, RN

Author of The Gift of a Lifetime: Building a Marriage That Lasts and He Said, She Said, I Said

How wonderful that a couple has the power of choice to impact the direction of their marriage!

In 4 Days to a Forever Marriage, Dr. Gary Smalley and his wife Norma show when love triumphs over anger, the insidiously destructive force of rage is destroyed.

Choosing love, the genuine concern for another, over anger with its focus on self and pride, encourages the growth of honor and respect in a marriage which are important values to shower upon one�s spouse. The conscious choice to act in love rather than anger creates a marriage which flourishes as experiences are enjoyed together, and is strengthened even when disappointments, set-backs, and challenges are faced.

The Smalleys share that even though we might be creatures of habit, choosing to be forgiving instead of vengeful, patient instead of anxious, and thankful instead of ungrateful can lead to a more satisfying marriage. Applying examples from their own marriage of 40-plus years, as well as lessons learned through counseling others, the Smalleys weave ways to create a faith-based marriage which is resilient and confident, without sacrificing the individuality of the partners.

This book is written in a comfortable style, making it easy to read and understand. I particularly enjoyed the section titled �What Creates Conflict,� knowing every marriage will face conflict many times, sometimes even daily. Identifying power and control, individuality, distance, distrust, and unmet needs as the main reasons for marital conflict gives each a name, which can help a couple discover, and ultimately accept, the roots of the clashes and struggles in their relationship.

Kernels of wisdom scattered throughout 4 Days to a Forever Marriage allow couples to skim the book and enjoy �ah-ha� moments as pages turn. Simple reminders like, �Unresolved anger in your home is more toxic than the radon gas . . . No one can long ignore considerate, loving actions . . . The real secret to becoming a close-knit couple is shared experiences that turn into shared trials,� and a really good one . . . �When a wife expresses frustration, she will be more receptive to her husband�s shoulders and arms than his mouth,� can do much to grow a marriage in a positive, loving way.

For long married couples, or those just starting out, 4 Days to a Forever Marriage is an insightful, interactive manual to lead couples to find the joy and wonder meant to be in their marriage.

The key to learning how to communicate feelings and thoughts to our spouse is to be clear about what is actually driving our hurts and pain. In other words, we must get to the core and actually talk about what is beneath the surface. Instead of getting stuck arguing about the issue (i.e., money, sex, kids, work, etc.) or what the other person is doing, we have an opportunity to discuss what is really going on deep inside of us.

What drives our hurt and frustrations in marriage? Buttons. Every person on the planet has buttons. What�s a button? Think about how you feel when someone says something or does something that hurts you, or scares you, or frustrates you. Instantly, you find yourself reacting to them in some way. Maybe you start to defend yourself or criticize them, or perhaps you shut down and start to withdraw. Regardless of what you do, the key is to notice that your �button� just got pushed.

So what are some of the most common �buttons� and what do they sound like in the marriage?

• Rejected: My spouse doesn�t want me.
• Abandoned: My spouse will ultimately leave me.
• Failure: I am not successful at being a husband/wife.
• Helpless: I will be controlled by my spouse.
• Inadequate: I am incompetent.
• Unloved: My spouse has little affection or desire for me.
• Defective: Something is wrong with me.
• Worthless: I have little value to my spouse.
• Don�t measure up: I am not good enough as a mate.
• Unimportant: I am of little priority to my spouse.

And these are just a few of the buttons we may have. Actually, another word for buttons is fear. If you think about it, this shouldn�t be so surprising. Fear is as old as the Garden of Eden. In the beginning, Adam and Eve enjoyed a perfect and satisfying relationship with God and with one another. But the moment they disregarded God�s instructions and chose instead to follow the serpent�s advice, fear took over. It spoiled their relationship to God and to each other. �He answered, �I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid� (Genesis 3:10). And we have been feeling its destructive effects ever since.

The reason identifying your buttons or fear is important is that it is the music that starts the dance that keeps a marriage stuck in this vicious cycle. We call this the �Fear Dance.� You would think that the Fear Dance is not a dance anyone would choose to do. You would think most people would rather do a Love Dance or a Joy Dance, something positive. But unless we understand the Fear Dance and how we can choose not to do it, it seems to be the default dance in most relationships.

So how does the Fear Dance work? To make sure you understand the dance, let�s take a look what the Fear Dance might look like for you.

Through thousands of counseling sessions, both in our clinic and with people around the world, we have come to realize that when a conflict stirs powerful emotions of hurt, it also touches specific fears. When someone pushes your fear button, you tend to react with unhealthy words or actions calculated to motivate the other person to change and give you what you want. What we want is usually the opposite of the fear. If we fear being a failure, we want to feel successful. If we fear being rejected, we desire to feel accepted. �What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don�t they come from your desires that battle within you?� (James 4:1).

Often your reactions triggers fears in your mate, who then reacts with unhealthy words or actions to try to get you to fulfill his or her wants. And suddenly the two of you end up in a full-blown Fear Dance. The dance looks like this diagram:

Most people�consciously and unconsciously�fall into this well-worn pattern of reacting when someone pushes their fear buttons. They�ll do anything to soothe their hurt and desires. They�ll do or say anything to calm their fears.

More often than not, emotions and thinking result in behavior that damages relationships. When you fear that your wants will not be fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control. You may fear losing connection, so you try to seize connection. Our team describes these reactions as your attempt to become the broker for your own wants. Reactions are �strategies� we employ to get the other person to help us with our desires. You desperately want your way�to be sovereign, to overcome your feelings of helplessness.

This means that it�s not merely your fears that disrupts and injures your relationships. It�s how you choose to react when someone pushes your fear buttons. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our relationships.

The Fear Dance works with guaranteed success every time it goes in motion. It doesn�t matter what you throw at it; it works perfectly to get you right to where you don�t want to be. And it does it every time, without fail.

But we shouldn�t be too hard on ourselves. We do cope in unhealthy ways, but we do it with a worthy goal of keeping the relationship going. You might call such a system �functionally dysfunctional.� It�s functional in that it keeps two people bouncing off one another. It allows them to continue some sort of interaction, even if that interaction consistently hurts. It functions in a painful, crazy kind of way. At the same time, however, it�s deeply dysfunctional. The relationships it creates bring tremendous pain. The Fear Dance �works� in that it allows the people involved to continue some sort of relationship, but it has no power to create the kind of relationships they really want.

When we describe the Fear Dance, most everyone �gets it.� They quickly see how destructive the Fear Dance can be. They grasp its dangers and recognize its sorry track record in their own relationships.

One of the worst things about the Fear Dance is that, eventually, it makes us dependent on other people for our happiness and fulfillment. We look to our spouse to fulfill our desires. And there�s something functionally dysfunctional about such a dependency. God created us to depend on him, and as human beings we naturally gravitate toward being dependent. But there�s a problem: such dependency was designed and reserved for God alone, not for our spouses or friends or bosses. So although the Fear Dance �works,� after a fashion, it cannot bring us to where we want to be.

The key to breaking the fear dance is to first identify your buttons, and then your reactions. Remember, you can either talk on a surface level, arguing about the issue or what the other person does that hurts or frustrates you, or you can talk about what is really driving your hurt and frustration�your buttons. Buttons or fears can be a very useful source of information, and acknowledging and discussing your buttons can open the door to an intimate moment.

What a difference it can make when you understand the DNA of relationships, the relationship dances, and the five dance steps. As you join me in this delightful adventure of discovery, you�ll experience God�s love and power in fresh and exciting ways:

You�ll learn about the amazing Power of One. You�ll see how to take personal responsibility for your part in all relationships. You�ll see how to become completely empowered to choose how you feel within all of your relationships. This message has completely changed our family, our staff, and our lives. We just have to send it out to the world, to churches and families and couples and singles, so that others can enjoy the same freedom and enthusiasm that we�re enjoying! Can you just imagine teenagers�or anyone else for that matter�not blaming others for being unhappy? They could learn how to be responsible for their own emotions. That would be a great day.

You�ll learn about Safety, about creating an environment that feels safe, where true intimacy can take root and bloom. You�ll learn how personal differences can enhance your relationship instead of causing problems and how you can adopt an attitude of curiosity that brings excitement to your life. And you�ll discover how to effectively and positively deal with �walls� that your partner may put up. Just imagine friends, couples and kids feeling completely safe to open up and share their deepest thoughts with others who love them.

You�ll learn about Self-care, how God wants you to take care of yourself so that you can become a channel of his love to others. We�ll show you how to make sure that your internal battery is charged, ready to connect for satisfied and fulfilled relationships. Imagine a host of people learning how to take care of themselves in ways that enable them to care for others. Can you see workplaces and churches filled with people who are not expecting others to fill them up, but rather are taking care of themselves during the week and come to work or church to enrich each other?
You�ll learn about Emotional Communication, a powerful communication method with the strength to eliminate the main causes of divorce and the primary causes of separation between friends. You�ll learn how to connect deeply with the heart of another person. We�ll show you how to find the emotional �nugget� that leads to effective and fulfilling communication, enabling you to feel confident that you will be understood. And we�re going to show you how to make communication easier and more efficient than you�ve ever experienced! Imagine feeling that others deeply understand you.

You�ll learn about Teamwork, about adopting a no-losers policy that will help you walk in harmony and complete unity with your spouse, family members, and friends so that you never again have to worry about losing an argument. We�ll show you how to identify the obstacles that make your relationships difficult, as well as how to clear those hurdles out of the way. Imagine families and neighbors and colleagues working through conflict in ways that don�t damage relationships.
Does any of this sound appealing to you? Does it sound like something you would like in your own life?

Well, how could it not?

After seeing the results of the patterns that Greg and Bob�s team had discovered, I started thinking, Wait a minute! If this material has so effectively helped me to handle my conflicts with Norma, maybe it can also help to explain why I lost some key friendships back in the seventies and eighties. I was closer than a brother to several men, and yet we fell out of fellowship and into terrible disharmony.

Dreadful memories flooded my mind, painful memories full of sadness and regret and grief. I thought of two men in particular, once dear and close friends, but from whom I had so totally disconnected that we no longer even spoke with one another. Here I was, a respected marriage and family �expert,� and yet I couldn�t even get along with men whom I once counted my closest friends! The thought deeply embarrassed and troubled me.

As I replayed old mental tapes and pondered what might have happened between us, eventually it dawned on me. I had followed with these friends the same pattern that had caused me so much grief with my wife! I began to see how these men and I had been involved in a destructive dance. As result we simply went our separate ways�angry, hurt, and confused. And so we lost a treasured friendship.

But maybe it didn�t have to be that way! Maybe I could employ the same principles that worked so well with Norma to strengthen my current friendships and rebuild damaged ones!

Once I started down this mental track, a number of other things started becoming clear. I looked back over my life and thought, Oh-oh, wait a minute. I had a major conflict a couple of years ago with a pastor right in my hometown. What happened? It looks as if exactly the same pattern occurred there, too!

As my mind continued to spin, I realized that something eerily similar had been taking place in my relationships with my daughter and two sons. I saw a similar pattern that fueled our worst conflicts. �Wow!� I said to myself, once these ugly patterns started coming clear to me. �I have to learn how to spot these things and put a stop to them before they can cause serious damage. I need to learn more about this relationship dance phenomenon. And I want to learn and master the five dance steps that make it possible for me to build harmonious, satisfying relationships.�

I�ve been learning ever since! And what I�ve been learning and applying in my own life, I want to teach you.

ANSWER
Can you name the devil�s greatest ploy to cause trouble in relationships? I�d like to suggest two words: power struggle. And why do power struggles cause us such trouble? It�s simple. In every power struggle, participants become adversaries; they take up opposing positions. And as soon as a husband and a wife set themselves up as antagonists, Satan can just fold his arms and walk away, because he knows they will destroy each other. He�s already accomplished his dirty work.

Many couples set themselves up for failure because, from the outset, the individuals face off as adversaries. This can be as subtle as insisting on �making a point.� Even if one member of the pair �wins� the point, it means an automatic loss for the relationship. If one person in the marriage �loses,� then both persons in the marriage lose. There is no other option.

Why is this so? It�s true because people in a marriage are on the same team. If one team member loses, every member of that team loses. If Jimmy and Bobby both play for the Lobos baseball team in a game against the Desperados, it is impossible for Jimmy to win and Bobby to lose. Either both win or both lose.

I encourage you to make a commitment to a new way of doing things and determined to abandon the failed, old model. This begins by establishing what our colleague Bob Paul calls a �No Losers Policy.� In a No Losers Policy, couples agree that it will never be acceptable, from this point on, for either of them to walk away from any interaction, feeling as if they had lost. Each spouse has to feel good about the solution.

Creating a No Losers Policy goes a long way toward creating the kind of relationships that yield joy and satisfaction rather than grief and frustration. It�s worked for my wife, Erin, and I, and it can work equally well for you, regardless of the type of relationship in which you apply it.

23 Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights.24 A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people.25 Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.26 Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants.

The bible is full of brilliant advice on how to handle your relationships, the difficult part is following through and being obedient to the word! �I am truly convinced, after 15 years of working with couples in conflict, that the best thing you can do when frustrated with your spouse is be patient and loving. �Unless you are being abused emotionally or physically, of course.

How could you live 2 Timothy 2:24 this week with your spouse? �Leave a comment and let us know what you want to do this week to love your spouse like you are challenged in 2 Timothy.

LADIES ONLY PLEASE

So thus begins a four part series on how men can better love their wives. �I want to encourage everyone reading this that the series is not going to be a male bashing experience. �Frankly, I’m tired of men continually getting picked on because we love differently than woman do. �It feels at times that the socially acceptable way to love someone is how a woman loves. �Men want to love and be loved just as much as women, we just tend to do it differently.

But the reality is that men marry women, so we need to learn how to love a woman better. �My dad, brother, and I wrote a book titled “The Men’s Relational Toolbox“. �We addressed this in the book, that men need to add certain skills to their relational toolbox in order to love their wives and daughters better. �This series is teaching four fundamentally important things that men can do to better love their wives!

The first week we learned how to truly “fix it” with our wives by learning how to better listen. �Men often get accused of trying to “fix it” too often by their wives. �The good news is that men care enough about their wives to want to fix it, but the bad news is that most men go about fixing it in an ineffective manner. �Usually the best course of action is to simply shut our mouths and listen.

James 1:19-21 teaches us, �Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human angers does not produce the righteousness God desires.So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.”

Listening is important because it’s important to our wives and it reflects a godly character (because we’re being obedient to James 1:19-21). But listening also helps increase our emotional and physical intimacy with our wife. When our wife feels loved and listened to, she will also feel more excited about the physical part of our relationship. Now let me be very clear, we do not listen because we want more sex, we listen because it’s the right way to love our wives better (more sex is just an awesome natural result of a close relationship).

Often times we read verses like the ones in James, and we thing, “That sounds great, but how do I do that practically?” Here’s the answer: you need to LUV your wife if you are going to be a better listener. LUV stands for Listen, Understand, and Validate. LUV is the main tenant to our communication method we teach couples at our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.

Listening is all about body language, eye contact, and intention…yes…whether or not we really want to listen.

Understanding comes when we ask questions of our wives when we feel confused or need further clarification. You want your wife to melt at your words, then just say something like, “Honey, I hear that you want to spend more time together, could you let me know what spending time together would look like to you?” �Proverbs 15:23; 28 23 �Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time! The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.�

Validating is saying things like, �Yes, I totally hear what you�re saying. Is there anything you need from me?� Validation is the art of allowing your wife the freedom of her own feelings and needs. Proverbs 13:3, “Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.”

This first week is about LUV, which is one of the most powerful ways you can “fix” anything for your wife. �Most wives just want to be heard and validated. �All you’ve been missing is how to accomplish this, and now you have some simply ways to listen effectively so you can have the kind of marriage you dreamt about during your engagement!

Where most people get stuck on learning how to validate is figuring out that validation does not mean you agree with your spouse’s feelings or needs, but rather that you understand what they are and accept them. �Validation says to your spouse, “I love you, I hear what you’re saying, so what can I do for you now?”

We must allow our spouse to experience her own feelings and needs. �We can not get involved with justifying, defending, or arguing about our spouse’s feelings or needs. �What does this look like on a practical level? If your spouse comes to you and say something like, “Hey, last night at the party I really felt ignored.” �You can not say in return things like, “Well, I felt ignored too!” or “Let me explain what happened…if you would just listen to my side of the story…” �These kinds of statements only push us farther apart and make our relationship dissatisfying.

What we need to say are things like, “I am so sorry you felt ignored last night.” �”It was not my intention to ignore you last night, but obviously, I came across that way. �What do you need from me to repair this?” �Couples need to stop arguing about the facts and simply worry about validating the feelings of their spouses.

I know some of you reading this are saying to yourselves, “Yea, but Michael, you don’t understand how ridiculous my spouse is!” I’m sorry that your spouse is frustrating you, but here’s the reality, the more you invalidate, the worse whatever the issue is gets. �Validation is like a puffer fish. �When your spouse feels hurt from something (fair or unfair) they puff up in defense. �Validation helps the puffer fish relax and get back to normal size.

These images of love leave us with serious myths, such as:

� Passion equals love. Most people love something that is new.
� My lover should meet all my needs. This is impossible and the reverse is true. No human can meet your needs. Only God can do that.
� Once love dies, you can�t get it back. The emotion of love may get blasted by words and hurt but the commitment of love should be rock solid.
� Chemistry is all that matters. Chemistry should be the last thing you trust.
� Love conquers all. God love conquers all but our love is not consistent.
� When things get tough, it means you have the wrong partner. This is the most selfish kind of love. Giving love is not dependent on your partner�s response. Certainly people would have been the wrong partner for God but He loved us in spite of our flaws.
� My lover should make me happy. True happiness can only come from God. People are not capable of providing happiness.
� Once in love, you stay on a high forever. This myth puts incredible pressure on the other person. This is not genuine love.
� Love is a feeling, and you either have it, or you don�t. Love is a decision and you commit to honor and care for someone no matter what their response is to you.

These are all lies, or at best, gross misunderstandings of the true nature of love. The chemistry plays out. You eventually come off the high of infatuation. But that does not mean that love is dead. Not at all. In fact, it may be just beginning. It looks dead only because our expectations lead us to misunderstand the way love grows. It grows over time and through our commitment. The better we understand what love really is, the better we adapt to lives changes and keep that love alive.

There�s a story about a husband who was known to be a man of few words. His wife longed for a little romantic conversation, but it never came. One evening when he was engrossed in his newspaper, she asked, �Steve, do you still love me?� He replied, �I said I did when we married, didn�t I? If anything ever changes, I�ll let you know.� Then he went back to reading his paper. His wife was sad because her need, like any of us, was to be loved by her best friend.

Steve may have thought all the right things. He may have chosen to focus on his wife�s good qualities. He may have cherished her as a pearl of untold value. He may even have felt that all this meant he was honoring her. But clearly honor wasn�t getting across to her as long as he kept his feelings bottled up inside. Love is not really honor until it is expressed and demonstrated. Those positive emotions for your mate that you hold in your heart must somehow find their way out through your mouth. You�ll find it much easier and almost natural to speak more positive words after you finish chapter four.

Better still, those thoughts take on even more meaning when they are expressed in action. Show your love not only in what you say, but also in what you do. I�m reminded of a letter that one young man wrote to his girlfriend across town back in the days before automobiles were common. �I would climb the highest mountain for you,� he gushed. �I would swim the deepest river just to be where you are. I would fight alligators, lions, and tigers to be by your side. I would walk through fire just for the privilege of gazing into your eyes. And by the way, I�ll see you Saturday night if it doesn�t rain.� The wimpiness of this young man�s intention yanked the rug out from under his high-sounding words, and all the love they expressed tumbled into meaningless rubble. The love you give your mate is not just in what you choose to think. It�s not even in what you feel about him or her. You show love in actions.

Honor is a way of accurately seeing the immense value of a person made in God�s image. God created each one of us as a one-of-a-kind person with unique gifts and a unique personality. He sees each of us as precious and valuable because he sees the innate worth he built into us.
When God brought to Adam the newly created Eve in all her naked glory, can you imagine what he thought? Wow! When God said he�d give me a companion, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine anything like this. Man, what a treasure! Can you imagine the tingling thrill Adam must have felt the moment he first touched her?
Now, think back. Didn�t you feel the same way when you married your mate? Didn�t it feel as if you had discovered a cave filled with priceless gold, silver, diamonds, and sparkling gemstones? And it was true. When you married, you received a treasure of unfathomable worth. You will never be able to understand all the wonders God has given you in your marriage partner. Just the physical differences alone are unimaginable. The cells, organs, hormones, features, and shape all combine into a magnificent being who has value above that of the angels. As the scriptures say, �You are a marvelous creation, a spectacular wonder with splendor above the worth of all creation.� Adam was right to gape in wonder when he first saw Eve. You were right to gape in wonder when you married your mate. And maintaining that wonder is critically important, because it means you are still finding in your husband or wife reasons for honor.
Picture your mate as personally autographed by God. Wouldn�t you feel thrilled to be seen with someone who bore God�s personal autograph? Wouldn�t you want to have your picture taken with such a person and hang that picture in a prominent place on your wall? Once you start thinking like God and realize the supreme value of that other person in your life, your treatment of him or her will be much like bending your knee in the presence of a highly honored person or giving a standing ovation to a soloist after an outstanding concert. When you look for the good and the honorable in your mate, you will find it, because it is there. God instilled his glory into each one of us.
Adam and Eve�s value was enormous as shown by God�s creation and love for them, but sin changed all that because they �showed God by their actions� the age-old, basic sin of all mankind, �God, we don�t trust your ways any more; we�ll go our way and you go yours.� But by taking this action, they tarnished the glory that God had built into them in the same way that rust ruins the glistening sheen of steel. C.S. Lewis reminded us, however, that the original glory is still there, lying just beneath the surface of every human, waiting for the day it will again be brought into the open. He said that in all our everyday dealings with each other, we must ��remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship. There are no ordinary people.� When we look at each other, it�s all too easy to see only the rust on the surface�the irritating habits, the failures, the broken promises�and forget that beneath the tarnish the true steel is still intact. All the glory that God created into us is still there, waiting for the moment when that coating of sin is scoured away. As we are transformed more and more into his image, we actually start looking more and more like him and reflecting his loving nature.
You can learn to see this inner, godlike glory that God�s own hand infused into your mate. It may not be easily visible at first, but when we look past the failures and weaknesses and affirm the immense value he created into every one of us, we see that honoring each other is appropriate. When I choose to look at the inner value of my wife, I�m simply looking at her as God looks at me. And I�m so very glad he sees me as he does. I would cringe to think that he sees only my weaknesses and judges me by my stumblings and bumblings. Instead he sees my potential, my innate worth, complete with all the godlikeness he instilled into me originally. Honor is so simple, really. All we need do is look at each other as God looks at us. When you develop that kind of honor for your mate, you help create a secure environment in which great relationships can flourish.
The Apostle Paul encouraged the early Christians to build their relationships on this kind of honor when he wrote, �Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor� (Romans 12:10).