If a man is to be truly effective in his relationships both at home and at work, he needs to develop the ability to speak the “language of the heart” (facts and feelings). Right there under the same roof is a woman who can help him learn that skill, if he is willing to listen to her.

Without meaning to, we can communicate nonverbally that other people or activities are more important to us than fam- ily. You’ve heard of football widows. How about golf orphans? Those who know us best provide the best correction. In particular, our mates, who were designed by God to complete us, are most sensitive to the areas in which we need help.

We also need to give praise and thanks to each other for special acts of kindness. Many people complain that their mate is strangely silent when they do something above and beyond the norm.

The Salt Principle is a method of gaining and holding a person’s attention by arousing curiosity. It’s a way to create a thirst for constructive conversation in which both you and your spouse can learn about each other’s needs. First, identify the need or concern to be discussed, and then identify areas of high interest to the other person—areas you can tap into to pique interest.

One of the easiest ways to reduce misunderstandings and communication friction is to share only a few thoughts with someone and then allow the person to repeat back what he or she thinks you said, much as would happen when you place an order at a fast food drive-through. This method will also improve your listening skills.

Added benefits to this kind of drive-through talking: (a) It gives you a chance to fully understand what the other person is saying before you respond, which also prevents tuning out the other per- son while he or she is talking; (b) it validates the other person and his or her opinions. When you not only listen but also repeat back what someone says, you communicate that the person and his or her opinions are important to you and worth taking seriously.

(This article was excerpted from 4 Days to a Forever Marriage by Gary and Norma Smalley.)

Norma: In the Bible, the Book of Genesis says God made the wife to be her husband’s completer—to give him strengths and insights he didn’t have on his own. As Gary’s work has developed over the years, I’ve tried to be that completer for him, but he hasn’t always listened because I’ve often had to say things he didn’t want to hear! One of the areas where he didn’t want to listen was the subject of how big and complex our ministry staff should (or shouldn’t) become.

Gary: As the ministry began to really grow a number of years ago, with new opportunities opening up nearly every day, it seemed natural to me that our staff should expand to meet those demands. There were seminars to run, books to publish, film series to produce, small-group studies to develop, and so on. I was ready to build an empire! I started interviewing and hiring people to help turn my dreams into reality. Norma didn’t think that was a good idea and told me so. I didn’t agree and told her so. Before too long, however, events would prove she was right.

Norma: Gary is a wonderfully gifted man in so many ways. But one of those ways is not administration. Based on his natural strengths and weaknesses, I don’t think God ever intended him to manage a large organization. There are other ministries and companies through which he can exercise his speaking and other gifts. Nonetheless, as he said, he wouldn’t hear that from me and so he went about hiring people. Some of them lasted only six months before they left in frustration and disappointment. Finally, though Gary still wasn’t convinced I was right, he could see there were problems, so he agreed to seek some outside counsel. A short time later, we went to dinner with Dr. James Dobson, whose own Focus on the Family ministry was already fairly large and continuing to grow.

Gary: We met him in a restaurant in Southern California. As soon as we were ready to get down to business, I told him, “Jim, I want a staff as big as yours,” and I explained all the things I thought God was calling us to do. “Well,” he said, “let me ask you a few things.” Then he asked a series of questions meant to reveal what kind of administrator I would be—things like “Are you good with details?” and “Can you make hard decisions and communicate them to your staff?” As he posed those questions, I had to answer no to every one. And all the time we were talking, Norma was kicking me under the table and smiling at me.

Norma: From talking with a lot of women, I know Gary was far from alone at that point in being willing to accept an insight from someone outside the family that he had been rejecting from his wife. To his credit, Gary listened to Jim that day, and from that time forward we’ve kept our ministry staff small and done a lot of work through others, like book publishers and churches. That experience was also a part of his learning process—learning to listen to me, even when he wanted to disagree, with the belief that I might have some helpful insight that he didn’t possess.

Gary: It took me a lot of years, but eventually I accepted the fact that I had better listen carefully when Norma speaks about my strengths and gifts, about people and projects, and so on. She knows me better than I know myself in some ways, and she has a wonderful intuitive sense about people and situations. As we look back on our time together now, we can see dozens and dozens of times when she has guided me, protected me, and kept me from doing foolish things. No less than a hundred times, I’ve thanked her for going through the pain of speaking up through the years when she knew I wasn’t going to like what she needed to say. If you want your mate to be all the help to you that God intended, start today to really listen to—and take to heart—what he or she has to say.

p.s. To purchase 4 Days to a Forever Marriage, please click here.

Reviewed by Barbara J. Peters, LPC, RN

Author of The Gift of a Lifetime: Building a Marriage That Lasts and He Said, She Said, I Said

How wonderful that a couple has the power of choice to impact the direction of their marriage!

In 4 Days to a Forever Marriage, Dr. Gary Smalley and his wife Norma show when love triumphs over anger, the insidiously destructive force of rage is destroyed.

Choosing love, the genuine concern for another, over anger with its focus on self and pride, encourages the growth of honor and respect in a marriage which are important values to shower upon one�s spouse. The conscious choice to act in love rather than anger creates a marriage which flourishes as experiences are enjoyed together, and is strengthened even when disappointments, set-backs, and challenges are faced.

The Smalleys share that even though we might be creatures of habit, choosing to be forgiving instead of vengeful, patient instead of anxious, and thankful instead of ungrateful can lead to a more satisfying marriage. Applying examples from their own marriage of 40-plus years, as well as lessons learned through counseling others, the Smalleys weave ways to create a faith-based marriage which is resilient and confident, without sacrificing the individuality of the partners.

This book is written in a comfortable style, making it easy to read and understand. I particularly enjoyed the section titled �What Creates Conflict,� knowing every marriage will face conflict many times, sometimes even daily. Identifying power and control, individuality, distance, distrust, and unmet needs as the main reasons for marital conflict gives each a name, which can help a couple discover, and ultimately accept, the roots of the clashes and struggles in their relationship.

Kernels of wisdom scattered throughout 4 Days to a Forever Marriage allow couples to skim the book and enjoy �ah-ha� moments as pages turn. Simple reminders like, �Unresolved anger in your home is more toxic than the radon gas . . . No one can long ignore considerate, loving actions . . . The real secret to becoming a close-knit couple is shared experiences that turn into shared trials,� and a really good one . . . �When a wife expresses frustration, she will be more receptive to her husband�s shoulders and arms than his mouth,� can do much to grow a marriage in a positive, loving way.

For long married couples, or those just starting out, 4 Days to a Forever Marriage is an insightful, interactive manual to lead couples to find the joy and wonder meant to be in their marriage.

2. Quickly acknowledged the problem soon after the mistake and try to resolve it. Don’t hope the problem will just go away. (Prov. 27:23)

3. Encourage your mate to explain and respond. Use active listening. Repeat to the other person what you heard them say. Get their agreement about what you heard them say before responding (vice-versa). Learn to listen! (Prov. 14:33; 24:3-4)

4. Discuss only one thing at a time and stay in the present. Don’t dredge up past hurts or problems, whether real or perceived. Avoiding score keeping. “You are late for dinner. I feel angry. I wanted everything to be warm and tasty.” Rather than “You are late for dinner as usual. I remember when “, etc. (Prov. 19:10; 103:12)

5. Don’t argue about details, e.g. “You were 20 min. late,” “No, I was only 13 min. late.”

6. Avoid power statements and actions. For example: “I quit!” “You’re killing me.”, etc. (Prov. 17:27; 26:21; 28:16,25; II Tim. 2:7)

7. Avoid judgment words like “you statements”. Stay with self-responsible “I” messages. (Matt. 7:1)

8. Be honest in your statements and questions. Honesty needs to be accurate, rather than agreement or perfection. (Eph. 4:15; Prov. 12:19)

9. Don’t confront when you’re angry or stressed out (cool your jets). Learn to identify your body’s own natural signs when you’re getting angry, stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down.

10. Never walk out without agreeing to take a break. It is okay to temporally stop when a solution is unclear. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off. (Eph. 4:26; Prov. 11:14)

11. Don’t use the silent treatment. Nothing gets solved this way. (Prov. 3:27; 16:13,21,24)

12. Never threaten to withdraw love. (Prov. 28:25; 29:23)

13. Control your hands and tongue. Never use sarcasm or physical violence. (Prov. 15:4; 12:18; 29:2-3; 16:13)

14. Don’t use “hysterical” statements or exaggerations at the time of conflict. (Prov. 29:11; 16:21,24)

15. Select an appropriate time and place. Don’t make a scene. Never deliberately embarrass each other or others by arguing in public. Keep your arguments in private. Perhaps even away from siblings if necessary.(Prov. 15:23; Prov. 25:11)

16. Don’t drag in outsiders unless each member agrees that this person can help find a solution or help referee. The person needs to be someone who can maintain unbiased opinion and someone who everyone respects and feels safe with. (Prov. 1:5; 12:15; 19:20; 20:18; 27:9)

17. Surround criticism with encouragement (praise bombardment). Focus on your desired expectations or positive changes rather than on faults. (Prov. 15:1; Prov. 15:13)

18. Speak directly and personally to your mate. Avoid lecturing and stay with concrete specific behavioral detail(s). (Prov. 18:23)

19. Put yourself in your mate’s shoes.

20. Don’t compare your mate to others. Be aware of each others differences and accept them (lion, otter, beaver, and golden retriever). (Prov. 22:6)

21. Give value and consideration to the interests, goals, and desires of each person. (Prov. 29:7)

22. When you’re wrong admit it. Accept any blame for the past (Was the rule clearly defined? Was it written down? Was there miscommunication?, etc.). Identify your own contribution to the problem. (Prov. 28:13; 29:23)

23. Resolve your conflicts with “Win-Win” solutions. Both agree with the solution or outcome of the argument.

24. Forgive your mate and do not hold resentment. End a fight with an act of love. (Col. 3:12-13; I Peter 3:8-9)

25. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words or actions during a conflict. (Romans 12:10; 2:3)

26. Make conflict resolution a regular habit. (Prov. 13:24)

Yet feeling secure in the relationship is vital to true romance. How can you give yourself fully and without reservation to your spouse unless you’re confident he or she will still be with you, loving and supporting you, next week, next year, 10-years from now, and so on until the day that death finally separates you?

Norma: One way I’ve tried to build security in our marriage is that I’ve consciously and deliberately never used the words hate or divorce or leave with Gary, even in our most heated “discussions.” I’ll admit I thought the words on a number of occasions in years gone by. But I’ve seen the devastation done to individuals, men and women as well as children, and families by separation and divorce, and I never wanted any part of that.

Even more, when I vowed on our wedding day to love and remain faithful to Gary, I was making that promise to God. I was making it to Gary as well, but I was especially making it to God, and I take that very seriously.

Gary: Another thing that has helped to build security in our relationship is that we pray together about anything in our family or ministry that looks challenging. There’s a great sense of peace and oneness that comes from going to God together and placing a difficult matter in His hands.

We also know that when we’re both seeking His will for a particular concern, we’re on the right track to finding a good answer, because self-centeredness and ego have been taken out of play. We both want what’s best for each other, for our marriage, for our family, or whatever the case may be.

Norma: It’s nice to get flowers and to go out for fancy dinners. Those kinds of things do develop the feelings of romance that are so enjoyable, and I certainly like it when they’re a part of our relationship.

I’ve learned, however, that as nice as the feelings of romance are, they’re no substitute for the security of a rock-solid commitment. Knowing that your love and your marriage will truly last “till death do us part” is the greatest feeling of all!

During hard times, when I don’t feel love toward Gary, I always remember that feelings change so many times during the day because situations change, but my decision to love him was a commitment for life.

The key to learning how to communicate feelings and thoughts to our spouse is to be clear about what is actually driving our hurts and pain. In other words, we must get to the core and actually talk about what is beneath the surface. Instead of getting stuck arguing about the issue (i.e., money, sex, kids, work, etc.) or what the other person is doing, we have an opportunity to discuss what is really going on deep inside of us.

What drives our hurt and frustrations in marriage? Buttons. Every person on the planet has buttons. What�s a button? Think about how you feel when someone says something or does something that hurts you, or scares you, or frustrates you. Instantly, you find yourself reacting to them in some way. Maybe you start to defend yourself or criticize them, or perhaps you shut down and start to withdraw. Regardless of what you do, the key is to notice that your �button� just got pushed.

So what are some of the most common �buttons� and what do they sound like in the marriage?

• Rejected: My spouse doesn�t want me.
• Abandoned: My spouse will ultimately leave me.
• Failure: I am not successful at being a husband/wife.
• Helpless: I will be controlled by my spouse.
• Inadequate: I am incompetent.
• Unloved: My spouse has little affection or desire for me.
• Defective: Something is wrong with me.
• Worthless: I have little value to my spouse.
• Don�t measure up: I am not good enough as a mate.
• Unimportant: I am of little priority to my spouse.

And these are just a few of the buttons we may have. Actually, another word for buttons is fear. If you think about it, this shouldn�t be so surprising. Fear is as old as the Garden of Eden. In the beginning, Adam and Eve enjoyed a perfect and satisfying relationship with God and with one another. But the moment they disregarded God�s instructions and chose instead to follow the serpent�s advice, fear took over. It spoiled their relationship to God and to each other. �He answered, �I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid� (Genesis 3:10). And we have been feeling its destructive effects ever since.

The reason identifying your buttons or fear is important is that it is the music that starts the dance that keeps a marriage stuck in this vicious cycle. We call this the �Fear Dance.� You would think that the Fear Dance is not a dance anyone would choose to do. You would think most people would rather do a Love Dance or a Joy Dance, something positive. But unless we understand the Fear Dance and how we can choose not to do it, it seems to be the default dance in most relationships.

So how does the Fear Dance work? To make sure you understand the dance, let�s take a look what the Fear Dance might look like for you.

Through thousands of counseling sessions, both in our clinic and with people around the world, we have come to realize that when a conflict stirs powerful emotions of hurt, it also touches specific fears. When someone pushes your fear button, you tend to react with unhealthy words or actions calculated to motivate the other person to change and give you what you want. What we want is usually the opposite of the fear. If we fear being a failure, we want to feel successful. If we fear being rejected, we desire to feel accepted. �What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don�t they come from your desires that battle within you?� (James 4:1).

Often your reactions triggers fears in your mate, who then reacts with unhealthy words or actions to try to get you to fulfill his or her wants. And suddenly the two of you end up in a full-blown Fear Dance. The dance looks like this diagram:

Most people�consciously and unconsciously�fall into this well-worn pattern of reacting when someone pushes their fear buttons. They�ll do anything to soothe their hurt and desires. They�ll do or say anything to calm their fears.

More often than not, emotions and thinking result in behavior that damages relationships. When you fear that your wants will not be fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control. You may fear losing connection, so you try to seize connection. Our team describes these reactions as your attempt to become the broker for your own wants. Reactions are �strategies� we employ to get the other person to help us with our desires. You desperately want your way�to be sovereign, to overcome your feelings of helplessness.

This means that it�s not merely your fears that disrupts and injures your relationships. It�s how you choose to react when someone pushes your fear buttons. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our relationships.

The Fear Dance works with guaranteed success every time it goes in motion. It doesn�t matter what you throw at it; it works perfectly to get you right to where you don�t want to be. And it does it every time, without fail.

But we shouldn�t be too hard on ourselves. We do cope in unhealthy ways, but we do it with a worthy goal of keeping the relationship going. You might call such a system �functionally dysfunctional.� It�s functional in that it keeps two people bouncing off one another. It allows them to continue some sort of interaction, even if that interaction consistently hurts. It functions in a painful, crazy kind of way. At the same time, however, it�s deeply dysfunctional. The relationships it creates bring tremendous pain. The Fear Dance �works� in that it allows the people involved to continue some sort of relationship, but it has no power to create the kind of relationships they really want.

When we describe the Fear Dance, most everyone �gets it.� They quickly see how destructive the Fear Dance can be. They grasp its dangers and recognize its sorry track record in their own relationships.

One of the worst things about the Fear Dance is that, eventually, it makes us dependent on other people for our happiness and fulfillment. We look to our spouse to fulfill our desires. And there�s something functionally dysfunctional about such a dependency. God created us to depend on him, and as human beings we naturally gravitate toward being dependent. But there�s a problem: such dependency was designed and reserved for God alone, not for our spouses or friends or bosses. So although the Fear Dance �works,� after a fashion, it cannot bring us to where we want to be.

The key to breaking the fear dance is to first identify your buttons, and then your reactions. Remember, you can either talk on a surface level, arguing about the issue or what the other person does that hurts or frustrates you, or you can talk about what is really driving your hurt and frustration�your buttons. Buttons or fears can be a very useful source of information, and acknowledging and discussing your buttons can open the door to an intimate moment.

What a difference it can make when you understand the DNA of relationships, the relationship dances, and the five dance steps. As you join me in this delightful adventure of discovery, you�ll experience God�s love and power in fresh and exciting ways:

You�ll learn about the amazing Power of One. You�ll see how to take personal responsibility for your part in all relationships. You�ll see how to become completely empowered to choose how you feel within all of your relationships. This message has completely changed our family, our staff, and our lives. We just have to send it out to the world, to churches and families and couples and singles, so that others can enjoy the same freedom and enthusiasm that we�re enjoying! Can you just imagine teenagers�or anyone else for that matter�not blaming others for being unhappy? They could learn how to be responsible for their own emotions. That would be a great day.

You�ll learn about Safety, about creating an environment that feels safe, where true intimacy can take root and bloom. You�ll learn how personal differences can enhance your relationship instead of causing problems and how you can adopt an attitude of curiosity that brings excitement to your life. And you�ll discover how to effectively and positively deal with �walls� that your partner may put up. Just imagine friends, couples and kids feeling completely safe to open up and share their deepest thoughts with others who love them.

You�ll learn about Self-care, how God wants you to take care of yourself so that you can become a channel of his love to others. We�ll show you how to make sure that your internal battery is charged, ready to connect for satisfied and fulfilled relationships. Imagine a host of people learning how to take care of themselves in ways that enable them to care for others. Can you see workplaces and churches filled with people who are not expecting others to fill them up, but rather are taking care of themselves during the week and come to work or church to enrich each other?
You�ll learn about Emotional Communication, a powerful communication method with the strength to eliminate the main causes of divorce and the primary causes of separation between friends. You�ll learn how to connect deeply with the heart of another person. We�ll show you how to find the emotional �nugget� that leads to effective and fulfilling communication, enabling you to feel confident that you will be understood. And we�re going to show you how to make communication easier and more efficient than you�ve ever experienced! Imagine feeling that others deeply understand you.

You�ll learn about Teamwork, about adopting a no-losers policy that will help you walk in harmony and complete unity with your spouse, family members, and friends so that you never again have to worry about losing an argument. We�ll show you how to identify the obstacles that make your relationships difficult, as well as how to clear those hurdles out of the way. Imagine families and neighbors and colleagues working through conflict in ways that don�t damage relationships.
Does any of this sound appealing to you? Does it sound like something you would like in your own life?

Well, how could it not?

After seeing the results of the patterns that Greg and Bob�s team had discovered, I started thinking, Wait a minute! If this material has so effectively helped me to handle my conflicts with Norma, maybe it can also help to explain why I lost some key friendships back in the seventies and eighties. I was closer than a brother to several men, and yet we fell out of fellowship and into terrible disharmony.

Dreadful memories flooded my mind, painful memories full of sadness and regret and grief. I thought of two men in particular, once dear and close friends, but from whom I had so totally disconnected that we no longer even spoke with one another. Here I was, a respected marriage and family �expert,� and yet I couldn�t even get along with men whom I once counted my closest friends! The thought deeply embarrassed and troubled me.

As I replayed old mental tapes and pondered what might have happened between us, eventually it dawned on me. I had followed with these friends the same pattern that had caused me so much grief with my wife! I began to see how these men and I had been involved in a destructive dance. As result we simply went our separate ways�angry, hurt, and confused. And so we lost a treasured friendship.

But maybe it didn�t have to be that way! Maybe I could employ the same principles that worked so well with Norma to strengthen my current friendships and rebuild damaged ones!

Once I started down this mental track, a number of other things started becoming clear. I looked back over my life and thought, Oh-oh, wait a minute. I had a major conflict a couple of years ago with a pastor right in my hometown. What happened? It looks as if exactly the same pattern occurred there, too!

As my mind continued to spin, I realized that something eerily similar had been taking place in my relationships with my daughter and two sons. I saw a similar pattern that fueled our worst conflicts. �Wow!� I said to myself, once these ugly patterns started coming clear to me. �I have to learn how to spot these things and put a stop to them before they can cause serious damage. I need to learn more about this relationship dance phenomenon. And I want to learn and master the five dance steps that make it possible for me to build harmonious, satisfying relationships.�

I�ve been learning ever since! And what I�ve been learning and applying in my own life, I want to teach you.

That is why for the past thirty-five years, I have felt passionate about helping couples, families, and individuals to strengthen, deepen, and enrich their most important relationships. That is what God has called me to do.

In this quest to improve relationships, I am always searching for what works and identifying what doesn�t work. I love to take relationship theories, apply it to my own relationships, and see if it works for me personally. It makes no difference to me if I make the discovery on my own or if the new relationship idea comes from someone else. I�m always hunting.

So for three and a half decades I have traveled all over the world, delivering my message about how to improve relationships. Everywhere I go, I meet people who tell me that one of my conferences or one of my videos or books has helped save their marriage or improve their friendships or reconnect with family members. I feel deeply humbled and grateful for each of these encouraging reports.

Yet I also frequently hear something else, not quite so thrilling. Many people take me aside to say, �I watched your videos�but I lost my marriage.� Or, �I read your book�but my wife still left me.� Or, �I tried your material�but things just didn�t work out.� Whenever I hear stories like these, a deep sadness fills my heart. I know my message has helped a lot of people, but I also know it hasn�t helped everyone. That�s why I�m constantly on the lookout for anything that really works for the vast majority of people I meet.

A Revolutionary Discovery
Two years ago, while searching for information to improve relationships, I made what I now believe is the greatest discovery of my lifetime. Interestingly, it happened right under my nose, in my own backyard. It came from my son Greg�s marriage counseling and research center, the Smalley Marriage Institute.
Soon after Greg earned his doctorate in psychology, he began assembling a team of professional counselors, headed by Robert Paul. Almost immediately they started hearing reports, both encouraging and challenging, about my ministry. People told they that they loved the books and videos and conferences�but many said they wanted more. They needed someone to come alongside them, to get �life-on-life� with them, and to help them put our material into practice.
Greg, Bob, and their highly trained relationship experts began doing what they call �marriage intensives,� where couples on the brink of divorce come for two or four days of intensive work on their relationships. While I wholeheartedly endorsed Greg and Bob�s efforts, at that point I didn�t get deeply involved. I left them alone to do their good work.

But when team recently finished its first five-year study of the couples who came for the intensives, the results were staggering. The team found that 93 percent of the couples are still together�and thriving in solid, healthy relationships! Take a moment to digest that amazing number: That�s a success rate of better than nine in ten! When highly distressed couples learned and applied the material you�re about to read, 93 percent of them not only managed to keep their marriages intact but also have reported much higher satisfaction with their relationships!

After hearing such glowing accounts, I finally decided that I had to find out for myself what was going on. The team penciled me in to take part in both a four-day intensive and a two-day intensive. What I saw was nothing short of amazing. I haven�t been the same since.

As the intensives began, I observed angry couples who couldn�t even stand to look at each other. They refused to hold hands. Many clearly didn�t even want to be there. Tears flowed freely from both the men and the women. I heard wrenching details of illicit affairs and habitual cheating, of serious financial problems, of fierce arguments and violent shouting matches.

Let me share the story of one couple to illustrate what I mean. Jim and Mary were at the end of their rope. After fifteen years of marriage and three children, the couple came to the marriage intensive as a final attempt to salvage their marriage. I heard Jim say that if the marriage intensive didn�t change things, he was going to file for divorce the following week.

To me their situation felt impossible. I wondered if they had any chance at all. They sat glaring at each other, hostility and tension written all over them.
The first years of their marriage had been reasonably good, but as Jim became increasing involved in work and Mary became focused on the kids, their relationship began to spiral into worsening emotional distance, combined with periodic angry outbursts toward one another. Mary felt Jim abandoned her, and she did everything she could to get him to talk about their problems and to work with her to make their marriage and family better. In response to Mary�s pursuit, Jim grew cold, and at the time they entered the intensive, he admitted that he had lost all feelings of love toward Mary. He talked about being so tired of her trying to control his every movement and to manipulate him to do the marriage her way. Over the years they had sought help from several marriage counselors and a pastor, but nothing seemed to make any lasting difference.

The final straw was when Mary discovered that Jim was having an affair with a coworker. Mary felt completely devastated and deeply betrayed. The pain of losing her husband to another woman felt like the death of a loved one. She felt totally alone. But most of all, she felt helpless to keep Jim from this other woman. Mary had seriously considered ending the marriage, but her faith in God and her concern for her children caused her to look for an alternative. She was unsure if she could ever forgive Jim and wondered if she could ever trust him again.

Jim felt just as confused and distraught. His love for his wife was such a distant memory that he seriously doubted whether he could ever love her again. Worst of all, he questioned whether he even wanted to try. The only reason he came to the intensive was concern for his children and a desire to be able to say that he had tried �everything� to save the marriage. Neither Jim nor Mary was overly motivated to make things work.

Before they left for the intensive, their thirteen-year-old daughter, Sandra, had left a note for them:

Dear Mom and Dad,
I don�t know how God will solve this, but I just can�t imagine my parents divorcing and our family breaking apart. Thank you for trying. Yet, I feel like a young puppy left outside in the cold with no shelter. It feels like it�s getting colder and colder each night, and winter will soon be here. The other dogs tell me that I won�t believe how cold it will get. I know the snow is coming, and I feel so helpless to find a way to keep warm. I�m so scared that I�ll freeze to death before it�s over. It�s such a terrible feeling to be alone, and to feel like no one understands what I�m going through. My friends have explained the pain I�ll feel once you divorce, and it scares me. I feel so helpless, like I�m just sitting in my room waiting for the ice storm to hit. Each day is longer and longer, and it feels darker and darker. I�m sick inside all of the time. Please keep trying!
Sandra

Before the intensive begins, the team asks each couple, �Do you believe that God could do a miracle in your marriage and provide a way for you not only to stay together but actually to fall back in love the way you once were?� During the four-day intensive, both Jim and Mary had a series of miraculous encounters that totally surprised them. They began to understand the powerful truths I will unpack for you throughout this book. As they worked through the various steps I�ll share with you, they felt a deep sense of compassion and care for the other. They hadn�t felt this way toward one another for a long time. They also became aware of several significant beliefs that had led to frustration and failure. At one point Jim said, �No wonder our marriage has felt impossible for so long.� And Mary asked with exasperation, �Why hasn�t anyone ever told us about this before?�

By the end of the four days, they both recognized they had a challenging road ahead, but they each felt tremendous hope for the future of their marriage and their family. Jim�s heart began opening to his wife, and he was overwhelmed with gratitude toward God. Mary was thrilled with a new understanding of herself, let alone Jim and their marriage. She felt the new knowledge and key skills were exactly what they needed to create a satisfying and safe marriage that both could be thrilled with. Like most couples who attend one of these intensives, after the third day, Jim and Mary were seen holding hands on the way to dinner.
When Jim and Mary arrived home, they sat down with their children. Jim began, �Kids, we have good news and some bad news. The bad news is that your mom and I will need more prayer and help with our relationship. The good news is that we are staying together. We believe with God�s help and the things we learned in the intensive that we can make it. We want this for us and for you. We love you and want to stay together as a family.�

Instantly, Sandra jumped into their arms. With tears running down her checks, her words were powerful, �Thanks for getting me out of the cold and letting me back into the warm house. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!�

The astounding turnaround just floored me. I�m in my early sixties, and this new discovery not only has changed me but also has taken me to a whole new level of understanding how to enjoy my important relationships. What Greg�s team has taught me these past few years has empowered me to determine how happy I am with each relationship, no matter what others are doing. I get to choose how fulfilled I am and that other people can�t rob me of my being full. When you finish this book, you�ll understand why I�m so excited about this new way of living.

Can you imagine my joy as I saw dozens of couples stabilize their relationships? And it made me wonder: What is the secret to these miraculous turnarounds?

(If you realize that you need one of our intensives for your marriage, then please click here for more information.)

ANSWER
Can you name the devil�s greatest ploy to cause trouble in relationships? I�d like to suggest two words: power struggle. And why do power struggles cause us such trouble? It�s simple. In every power struggle, participants become adversaries; they take up opposing positions. And as soon as a husband and a wife set themselves up as antagonists, Satan can just fold his arms and walk away, because he knows they will destroy each other. He�s already accomplished his dirty work.

Many couples set themselves up for failure because, from the outset, the individuals face off as adversaries. This can be as subtle as insisting on �making a point.� Even if one member of the pair �wins� the point, it means an automatic loss for the relationship. If one person in the marriage �loses,� then both persons in the marriage lose. There is no other option.

Why is this so? It�s true because people in a marriage are on the same team. If one team member loses, every member of that team loses. If Jimmy and Bobby both play for the Lobos baseball team in a game against the Desperados, it is impossible for Jimmy to win and Bobby to lose. Either both win or both lose.

I encourage you to make a commitment to a new way of doing things and determined to abandon the failed, old model. This begins by establishing what our colleague Bob Paul calls a �No Losers Policy.� In a No Losers Policy, couples agree that it will never be acceptable, from this point on, for either of them to walk away from any interaction, feeling as if they had lost. Each spouse has to feel good about the solution.

Creating a No Losers Policy goes a long way toward creating the kind of relationships that yield joy and satisfaction rather than grief and frustration. It�s worked for my wife, Erin, and I, and it can work equally well for you, regardless of the type of relationship in which you apply it.

Our expectations were to hit Branson at around 6pm, barbecue with my family, and then have a couple of days in Branson to play before going to Kamp. These plans were instantly changed as we sat in a parking lot trying to get a hold of a transmission repair guy. Now I want (need) to be honest at this point, so with full disclosure, my attitude stunk big time! I snapped at my wife, my children, and some poor woman driving in front of me completely clueless to why I was honking at her to get moving through the light before the van died again.

The question is, why did I get upset and snap at my family and a random female driver? Because reality and my expectations were too far a part. Is it bad to have expectations? No, not necessarily. But how are we to handle ourselves when our expectations are not met? That is the key to a healthy relationship.

It is unrealistic to think our expectations are always going to be met, because they will not. Instead of blowing up at my family and a random female driver, I could have done the following:

* Taken a time-out
This is easily the best thing we can do when our expectations are not met. We need time to gather ourselves and to begin the process of choosing the best reaction possible. If you do not take the time to think about your reactions, your reactions will most likely be hurtful and immature (i.e. honking at a random female driver). A time-out gives you perspective and also gives time for the Holy Spirit to give you guidance in how you could respond.

* Adjusted my expectations on the fly
The moment I realized that my expectations were not going to be met, I could have begun the process of adjusting my expectations. I could have realized that getting to Branson on Friday was no longer possible, so how could I make the best out of the current situation. Asking yourself the question, “How can I make the best out of this situation?” is a great way to adjust expectations.

* Prayed
I know, prayer always seems to be the answer, but guess what, it always is the answer! I think the evil one wants us to feel like mentioning prayer is trivial, but it is not, and should always be utilized when things get out-of-hand. I could have cried out to God in my moment of need and let the Holy Spirit do the job the Holy Spirit does, to influence and guide me through the fog of unmet expectations.

2. Understand, as much as possible, what the other person has endured. It’s important to genuinely understand the pain your mate feels and how she has interpreted your offensive behavior. Ask for her interpretation of what occurred. The goal is to listen and understand what your mate is feeling. Resist defending yourself, lecturing, or questioning why she did or didn’t do something. The best way to accomplish this is by using the “Drive-through Talking” technique described on p. 18.

3. Admit the person has been wounded and admit any wrong in provoking that hurt. The third step is to take ownership of your offensive behavior. A person feels valuable when she hears you admit your mistake, and sees that you understand how she feels. Sometimes this is all it takes to open a closed spirit.

4. Touch the person gently. If you try to touch someone with a spirit knotted in anger, you will find out just how deep the hurt is. The first response may very well be a stiffening or pulling away—but persistent softness expressed in meaningful touches, like the gentle massage of a knotted muscle, can go a long way toward draining anger and negative feelings.

5. Seek forgiveness and wait for a response. The final step is to give the person the opportunity to respond to your confession. Ask if she could find it in her heart to forgive you. You’ll know true restoration has occurred when forgiveness is granted and she allows you to touch her.

April 15, 2010 — Despite saving us time, fast food may make us impatient and more likely to seek instant gratification, new research finds.

University of Toronto researchers Chen-Bo Zhong, PhD, and Sanford E. DeVoe, PhD, conducted a trio of experiments before coming to that conclusion in a report published in Psychological Science.

The first experiment found that exposure to fast-food symbols increases reading speed even when there’s no pressure to read fast. In the experiment, they randomly assigned 57 college students to look at the center of a computer screen but ignore the corners. Those in the fast-food group were exposed to fast-food logos, flashed in the corners too quickly for the conscious mind to register the images. Those in the comparison group looked at blank squares in the corners. Next, when they all read a passage, those exposed to the logos had a faster reading speed.

You can read the whole article here.

23 Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights.24 A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people.25 Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.26 Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants.

The bible is full of brilliant advice on how to handle your relationships, the difficult part is following through and being obedient to the word! �I am truly convinced, after 15 years of working with couples in conflict, that the best thing you can do when frustrated with your spouse is be patient and loving. �Unless you are being abused emotionally or physically, of course.

How could you live 2 Timothy 2:24 this week with your spouse? �Leave a comment and let us know what you want to do this week to love your spouse like you are challenged in 2 Timothy.

LADIES ONLY PLEASE

So thus begins a four part series on how men can better love their wives. �I want to encourage everyone reading this that the series is not going to be a male bashing experience. �Frankly, I’m tired of men continually getting picked on because we love differently than woman do. �It feels at times that the socially acceptable way to love someone is how a woman loves. �Men want to love and be loved just as much as women, we just tend to do it differently.

But the reality is that men marry women, so we need to learn how to love a woman better. �My dad, brother, and I wrote a book titled “The Men’s Relational Toolbox“. �We addressed this in the book, that men need to add certain skills to their relational toolbox in order to love their wives and daughters better. �This series is teaching four fundamentally important things that men can do to better love their wives!

The first week we learned how to truly “fix it” with our wives by learning how to better listen. �Men often get accused of trying to “fix it” too often by their wives. �The good news is that men care enough about their wives to want to fix it, but the bad news is that most men go about fixing it in an ineffective manner. �Usually the best course of action is to simply shut our mouths and listen.

James 1:19-21 teaches us, �Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human angers does not produce the righteousness God desires.So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.”

Listening is important because it’s important to our wives and it reflects a godly character (because we’re being obedient to James 1:19-21). But listening also helps increase our emotional and physical intimacy with our wife. When our wife feels loved and listened to, she will also feel more excited about the physical part of our relationship. Now let me be very clear, we do not listen because we want more sex, we listen because it’s the right way to love our wives better (more sex is just an awesome natural result of a close relationship).

Often times we read verses like the ones in James, and we thing, “That sounds great, but how do I do that practically?” Here’s the answer: you need to LUV your wife if you are going to be a better listener. LUV stands for Listen, Understand, and Validate. LUV is the main tenant to our communication method we teach couples at our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.

Listening is all about body language, eye contact, and intention…yes…whether or not we really want to listen.

Understanding comes when we ask questions of our wives when we feel confused or need further clarification. You want your wife to melt at your words, then just say something like, “Honey, I hear that you want to spend more time together, could you let me know what spending time together would look like to you?” �Proverbs 15:23; 28 23 �Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time! The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.�

Validating is saying things like, �Yes, I totally hear what you�re saying. Is there anything you need from me?� Validation is the art of allowing your wife the freedom of her own feelings and needs. Proverbs 13:3, “Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.”

This first week is about LUV, which is one of the most powerful ways you can “fix” anything for your wife. �Most wives just want to be heard and validated. �All you’ve been missing is how to accomplish this, and now you have some simply ways to listen effectively so you can have the kind of marriage you dreamt about during your engagement!

Where most people get stuck on learning how to validate is figuring out that validation does not mean you agree with your spouse’s feelings or needs, but rather that you understand what they are and accept them. �Validation says to your spouse, “I love you, I hear what you’re saying, so what can I do for you now?”

We must allow our spouse to experience her own feelings and needs. �We can not get involved with justifying, defending, or arguing about our spouse’s feelings or needs. �What does this look like on a practical level? If your spouse comes to you and say something like, “Hey, last night at the party I really felt ignored.” �You can not say in return things like, “Well, I felt ignored too!” or “Let me explain what happened…if you would just listen to my side of the story…” �These kinds of statements only push us farther apart and make our relationship dissatisfying.

What we need to say are things like, “I am so sorry you felt ignored last night.” �”It was not my intention to ignore you last night, but obviously, I came across that way. �What do you need from me to repair this?” �Couples need to stop arguing about the facts and simply worry about validating the feelings of their spouses.

I know some of you reading this are saying to yourselves, “Yea, but Michael, you don’t understand how ridiculous my spouse is!” I’m sorry that your spouse is frustrating you, but here’s the reality, the more you invalidate, the worse whatever the issue is gets. �Validation is like a puffer fish. �When your spouse feels hurt from something (fair or unfair) they puff up in defense. �Validation helps the puffer fish relax and get back to normal size.